All Credit to @Aeonian_V

Please do not steal the translation. No. No. Not. You may translate into different languages or repost with “CREDIT” If I see my translation without any credits I’m deleting it. Thank you. (In process of editing grammars and typos)

HOSEOK

23 July YEAR 10 (TEAR Y Ver)

When I heard the sound of laughter, it was when I counted till 4. Next, my younger-self grabbed someone’s hand and passed by. I quickly turned back but there were only my classmates looking at me. ‘Hoseok-ah’ my teacher called. Only then I realized where I was. It was math time. I was counting fruits drawn in the textbook. Five, six, I counted again, but as the number increased, my voice trembled and my hand sweated. I kept remembering back to that time.

I don’t really remember my mom’s face that day. The only thing I remember is her handing a chocolate bar to me when I was at an amusement park. ‘Hoseok-ah from this point you are going to open your eyes after counting till 10’ when I finished counting mom wasn’t there. I waited and waited but she didn’t come back. Nine was the last number I counted till. I just had to count one more but my voice didn’t come out. My ears were ringing and my vision was getting unclear. The teacher was giving my hand gestures to go on. Friends were looking at me. I couldn’t remember my mom’s face clearly. I really felt that if I count one more my mom will never come look for me.

I collapsed right on the floor.

TAEHYUNG

29 December YEAR 10 (HER Lver)

I took off my shoes, threw my backpack, and entered the room. Dad was really there. I didn’t even think about how long it has been or where he has been. I only ran to his embrace. I don’t remember clearly what happened next. Whether it was the smell of alcohol first, or the cursing, or the slap on my cheek. I couldn’t even tell what was happening. There was a reek of alcohol, heavy breathing, and stench. His eyes were bloodshot and his beard was grown wildly. With his big hands he slapped me. He slapped me again asking what I was looking at. Then he lifted me up. His scarlet red eyes were frightening but I was too afraid to even cry. This wasn’t my dad. No. It was my dad but it wasn’t. My two feet dangled in the air. Then I hit my head hard on the wall and crashed on the floor. I felt like my head was about to explode. The vision was getting unclear and then dark. My head was only filled with the heavy breathing of my dad’s.

JIMIN

6 April YEAR 11 (TEAR O ver)

I walked out the entrance of  PulKkot Arboretum alone. The weather was a little cloudy so it was kind of chilly but I was happy. Although it was a field trip day mom and dad were still busy. So at first I was sad. But I got complimented on the flower drawing contest and my friend’s mother said Jimin is very mature. From that moment I felt like I was a little cool.

‘Jimin-ah. wait here. Teacher will be right back’ while leaving the Arboretum after the field trip my teacher made sure, but I didn’t wait. I was confident I could go by myself. I held my backpack strap tightly and walked proudly. It felt like people were looking at me so I straightened my shoulder more. It started to rain way later. All my friends and their mothers all left, there was no one looking at me anymore, and my legs started to hurt. I covered my head with my bag and crouched down below a tree. The rain started coming down even harder and there was no one passing by. In the end, I started to run through the rain. I couldn’t see any houses nor stores. I arrived at the back of the Arboretum in the end. The side door was opened and inside there was something like a storage.

YOONGI

19 September YEAR 16 (TEAR O ver)

The red flame burned brightly. The house that I was living in until this morning was wrapped in flames. The people who noticed me ran towards me screaming. The town people jumped nervously. The fire trucks were unable to come through because the road wasn’t clear. I stopped at that location.

End of Summer. It was the start of Autumn. The sky was blue and the air was dry. I don’t know what I was supposed to think, feel, or do. I couldn’t figure out anything. And then I suddenly thought ‘Ah, Mom’. At that moment with a loud sound the house collapsed. The house that was covered in flames, no, the house which now became part of the flame the house, the roof, the pillar, the wall, the room that I lived in collapsed like a sand. Blankly I stared at that scene.

Someone pushed me while passing by. They said the fire truck has arrived. Another person grabbed me and kept asking. The person was looking right into my eyes while talking to me but nothing came through my head.

‘Is there someone in there?’ The person asked ‘Is your mom in there?’ The person grabbed me by my shoulder and shook me. I answered without realization. ‘No there isn’t anyone’ ‘what are you talking about’ said my neighbor ‘Your mom? Where did your mom go?’ ‘No one is there’ I didn’t know what I was saying. Someone pushed past by me

SEOKJIN

2 March YEAR 19 (HER L ver.)

The principal’s office I followed my father had a damp smell. It has been 10 days since I came back from the US and only yesterday I found out I will be enrolling a grade lower due to a different school system. ‘Please take care of him.’ I flinched as my father put his hand on my shoulder. ‘School is a very dangerous place. There needs to be regulations.’ The principal looked at me. Every time he talked, the cheek with wrinkles and fats near his mouth trembled and inside the dark lips was all dark red. “Don’t you think so too Mr.Seokjin.” As I hesitated from the sudden question, my father's grip on my shoulder got stronger. His grip was strong enough to stiffen my muscles on my neck. “I believe you will do well” The principal persistently tried to make eye contact and father’s grip got stronger. My body shook and I sweated cold sweat. “You need to tell me. Mr. Seokjin, you need to be a good student.” The principal looked at me with no smile on his face. “Yes.” When I was barely able to answer the question the pain on my shoulder disappeared. I heard the sound of my father and principal laughing. I couldn’t put my head up. I looked down at my father's brown shoes and principal’s black shoes. I didn’t know where the light was coming from but the shoes shined. I was afraid of that shine.

JUNGKOOK

28 May YEAR 19 (ANSWER S ver)

‘Hyung, what are your dreams?’ They turned around as I asked. ‘No, I need to write like a research for dream.’ As I mumbled, Seokjin opened his mouth starting with hmm. ‘I don’t think I have a dream. Maybe if I’m hoping to become a good person?’ He mumbled his last words if he was embarrassed. When he said that, Yoongi said as he was lying on the piano chair. ‘You don’t need to have a dream. I don’t dream such thing. I’m going to be  anything.’ Everyone started laughing because it was something Yoongi would say.

‘I’m going to be a superhero. I’m going to save the world from the bad guys.’ Hoseok blickered with Taehyung who went up the chair making pose putting his one arm up saying he will get hurt and come down fast. He added. ‘I want to live happily after finding my mom. Wanting to be happy is my dream.’ Hyung gave such a smile that looked so happy. ‘Then are you unhappy now?’ Jimin asked. Hoseok replied ‘ah does that turn out like that?’ And gave a thinking hard look. ‘Then what’s your dream?’ ‘Me?’ Jimin looked surprised and blinked. ‘I wanted to be a president when I was in kindergarten but now I don’t know what I want to be.’

Now Namjoon hyung was the only one left. Guessing he felt everyone’s stares, hyung shrugged and opened his mouth. ‘I want to say good things but I don’t really have a dream. I just would like my wage for my part time job to increase.’ I nodded as I looked down at my announcement. The future job section is separated by the student and parent section. What I want to be. I didn’t know what to write.

YOONGI

12 June YEAR 19 (TEAR Y ver)

I ditched school but in reality I had nowhere to go. Day was hot, had no money, and had nothing to do. It was Namjoon, who wanted to go to the sea. The younger ones seemed excited but I wasn’t really for it nor hated the idea. ‘Do you have money?’ With my word, Namjoon made everyone empty their pockets. Few bills and coins. I don’t think we could go. ‘We could walk there’ it was probably Taehyung who said that. Namjoon gave a ‘Please think’ expression and others said random stuff laughed while acting like rolling on the street and continued to walk. I had no urge to respond so I got behind. The sunray was hot. As it was broad day time, even trees couldn’t make shadow and road that didn’t have sidewalks had cars pass by with dust everywhere.

‘Let’s go there’ once again it was Taehyung. Or was it Hoseok. I wasn’t interested so I didn’t look carefully but it was one of them. I was walking, kicking the ground with my head down when I bumped into someone and almost fell so I raised my head. Jimin was standing there stiff. Like as if he saw something really terrifying, his face muscles trembled. ‘You ok?’ I asked but it didn’t seem like he could hear. What Jimin was looking at was a sign directing ‘PulKkot Arboretum 2.2Km’

‘I don’t want to walk’ I heard Jungkook say. Sweat was dripping from Jimin’s face. His face was pale like he was about to drop on the floor. What is it? It gave me an odd feeling ‘Park Jimin’ I called but he didn’t even move. I looked up at the sign again

‘Hey it’s hot what do you mean Arboretum, let’s just go to the beach’ I said with an unconcerned look. I didn’t know what PulKkot Arboretum was, but it didn’t seem like a place we should go. I didn’t know the reason but Jimin seemed weird. ‘We don’t have enough money’ Hoseok replied to me ‘then let’s walk’ Taehyung supported ‘I think it would be ok if we walked till the train station’ Namjoon said ‘but we have to skip dinner’ Jungkook and Taehyung made a whining noise and Seokjin Hyung laughed. It was when we started to walk to the train station when Jimin started to walk again. I looked at the sign again. The five words was slowly getting further away from us.

SEOKJIN

25 June YEAR 19 (ANSWER S ver)

On the classroom window sill there was a flower pot occupying the space which I didn’t know who brought, taking space. Who could be a person among my brothers that will bring a flower pot. I took my cell phone out. From the dark classroom with no electricity, I was able to mostly see green grass with the unclear light that came through the dirty window. The picture taken from the phone didn’t come out well. It wasn’t just because of the phone. I always had in mind that pictures can’t bring out exactly what human eyes can see.

As I approached the pot I saw the letter ‘H’. I held up the pot. “Hoseok’s Flower Pot” showed on the pot. It made me smile. If there was one person who would bring a flower pot it could only be Hoseok. After I put down the pot until the letter H wasn’t visible, I looked around. I have not noticed once till now but the window was covered with graffiti. Not only the windows but walls, and even the ceiling had graffiti. Accepted or Death. The name of the person of their one side love, date, and so many other names that was not readable anymore.

This classroom couldn’t be a storage room from the beginning. It probably was a room where students took lesson and was emptied out by afternoon. The classroom would have been empty the whole summer and when it was day the school started, the student would have came in the room all loud and chit chatting. Even back then were there students like us, who would get in trouble for being tardy and missing class? Were there teachers who would brutally beat students, endless tests, and homework? Was there someone like me? A person, who would talk to the principal about his friends.

In the middle of all these names, I wondered if there was my father’s name. This school was also my father’s home school. Father was a person who believed that attending the same high school, same college generation after generation would bring elegance to the tradition of the family. After skimming through the names I found father’s name. Left wall in the center between those few names. Under that it’s said a phrase ‘It all started from here’

JIMIN

30 August YEAR 19 (HER L ver)

As I waited for Hoseok hyung to finish the call, I kicked the ground under his shadow. Hoseok hyung chuckled and made a Jimin-you’ve-all-grown-up face. From school to home was a two-hour walk. If we rode the bus, it would take less than 30 minutes, and you can save at least 20 minutes if you walk through the big road. However, Hyung always insisted we walk through the narrow alley, full of curves, over a small hill, and over the pedestrian overpass. It was a year ago when I was discharged from hospital and transferred school. School was far from home and I knew no one there. I thought it was fine. I’ve already moved schools multiple times, and I didn’t know when I’d get admitted to the hospital again, so I didn’t think it was a big of a deal.

Then I met Hyung. It was a little after the new semester had started. Hyung came next to me and walked with me for two hours. It was after a while that I found out that his house was in a completely opposite direction. I couldn’t ask hyung why. I wished the shadow walking beside me, the two hours of sunlight we walked together, could last at least one more day.

I kicked Hyung’s shadow, who was still talking on the phone, and ran away. Hyung ended the call and started to chase me. On the hot sun, the ice cream dripped down, and the sound of cicadas hurt my ears. I suddenly got afraid. How many of these days are left?

TAEHYUNG

20 March YEAR 20 (TEAR Y ver)

I ran in the hallway making stepping noises and then slid down. Then I stopped. All the way there I saw Namjoon standing in front of ‘our classroom’. Our classroom. No one knew but I called that place ‘our classroom’. Me, My brothers, Jungkook, our seven classroom. I crept closer without breathing. I planned to surprise him.

‘Principal’ I heard a desperate voice over the classroom window. It sounded like Seokjin hyung. I stopped. Is Seokjin hyung talking with the principal? In our classroom? Why? Then I heard Yoongi hyung’s and my name and I noticed Namjoon hyung gasping, looking like he was surprised. I guess Seokjin felt the presence, he opened the door. In Seokjin hyung’s hand, he was holding a phone. His face looked surprised and taken back. I couldn’t see Namjoon hyung’s expression. I looked at the scene, while hiding. Seokjin hyung opened his mouth as if he was trying to explain but Namjoon hyung raised his hand and said ‘It’s ok’ Seokjin hyung gave a confused face ‘you must have a reason’ With that statement Namjoon hyung passed by Seokjin hyung and entered classroom. I couldn’t believe it. Seokjin hyung told the principal what Yoongi hyung and I have been doing over the past days. He told about us skipping class, jumping over the fence, and that we fought with people. But Namjoon Hyung said it was all ok.

‘What are you doing here’ I turned around surprised. It was Hoseok hyung and Jimin. Hoseok hyung acted like he was more surprised and wrapped his arms around me. I got dragged into the classroom by Hoseok hyung. Namjoon hyung and Seokjin hyung was talking and turned around. Seokjin hyung hurried out of the classroom saying he had urgent thing that came up. Namjoon hyung checked his expression. After looking at Seokjin hyung’s back Namjoon hyung acted like nothing happened and laughed with everyone. I had a sudden thought. There must be a reason Namjoon hyung reacted that way. He knows more, he’s smarter, and much adult like. Plus this our classroom. I gave my box smile that everyone teases me with as I entered the class. I wasn’t planning to tell anyone that I heard the conversation.

NAMJOON

15 May YEAR 20 (HER L Ver.)

The storage room provided a place to hang out for us who had no place to go. I walked across the room while putting up some chairs straight. While doing so, I put up the fallen table and wiped the dust with my palm. “Last” makes a person emotional. Today was the last day I come to this school. It’s been two weeks since we decided that we were moving. I might not be able to ever return. Maybe I won’t be able to see my brothers again.

I folded a paper in half, put it on the table, and pulled out a pencil, but I couldn’t think of what to write and time passed by. While scribbling few meaningless words, the pencil lead snapped. “You have to survive.” On top of the paper where smudges were left from the broken lead, there was a phrase I wrote without realizing. Between the dark lead powder and doodles, words such as poverty, parent, sibling, and moving was scattered throughout the paper.

I crumpled the paper and shoved it in my pocket and stood up from the seat. As I pushed the table, dust rose up. While trying to leave, I stopped and fogged the dirty window with my breath and wrote three words. No farewell was enough, even if I don’t say anything, this will deliver all the message. ‘See you again.’ Rather than a promise, it was a wish.

JUNGKOOK

25 June YEAR 20 (HER O ver.)

As I stroked the piano tile, dust got on my fingers. As I put force on my finger, a tune, different from what Hyung played, came out. It has been already 10 days since Hyung didn’t come to school. Today a rumor that he got expelled went around. Namjoon hyung and Hoseok Hyung didn’t tell me a word and I was afraid something that I was unable to ask. 2 weeks ago, that day, when the teacher came through the door of our agit, there were only him and me. It was the day when parent come to class. I didn’t want to be at classroom so I blindly went to our agit. Hyung continued to play the piano without even turning around, I put two tables together laid down, and closed my eyes to act as if I was sleeping. Hyung and the Piano seem different but at the same time they were one, something that you couldn’t think to separate. When I hear Hyung’s piano for some reason, I wanted to cry.

I felt my tears falling so I was rolled around but the door busted open as if it was going to break and the sound of piano stopped. I got slapped on my face, stumbled and fell in the end. As I curled up  to withstand the violence, the voice suddenly stopped. When I raised my head up, Hyung pushed teacher’s shoulder and stood in front of me. Over hyung’s shoulder I saw teacher’s stunned face.

I pressed the piano tiles one more time. I tried to copy the song Hyung used to play. Has he really gotten expelled? Will he ever come back. For Hyung, he said it was common happening for him to get few punches and kicks. If I wasn’t there* would he have not stand against the teacher? If I wasn’t there* would he be still playing piano here?

* could be translated to “wasn’t there” at the room or “didn’t exist” at all

YOONGI

25 June YEAR 20 (HER L ver.)

I swung the door open, entered the room, and pulled out a bag I put away in the last drawer of my desk. When I flipped it, a piano tile dropped from the bag. I threw the half burnt tile in the trash can and laid down on the bed. My breathing was unstable as my seething heart did not cool down and the soot was already on my finger.

I once visited the burnt down house alone after the funeral. When I entered mother’s room, the piano that was unrecognizable from the fire caught my eyes. I dropped on the floor beside it. The afternoon sun rays came through the window, and I just sat there until it went away. On the last light, there were a few piano tiles lying around. I thought, “Which note played when it was pressed? How many times did mother’s fingers touch this tile?” I put the tile in my pocket and exited the room.

It has been four years since then. The house was quiet. It was crazily quiet. It was past 10 p.m. so father would have gone to sleep and everything had to come to a silence. That was the rule at this house. It was too hard for me to withstand this silence. It wasn’t easy to follow the time, the rule, and the principle. But the hardest part was the fact that even with those conditions I still lived in this house. I received the allowance father gave me, I ate with father, and I received scolding from father. Though I rebelled and caused trouble, I did not have the courage to leave father, this house, and become alone. I did not have the courage to take action unlike what I have said.

I got up the bed. I took out the piano tile from the trash can under the desk. The night breeze rushed in the room as I opened the window. The wind took all of what has happened today and slapped me on the cheeks. I threw the piano tile as hard as I can in the air. It has been 10 days since I stopped going to school. I heard the news that I had been expelled. Now, even if I don’t want to, I might get kicked out of this house. I concentrated on the sound but I have not heard the piano tile touch the ground. No matter how hard I try to think, I will not be able to figure out what sound that tile made. No matter how much time has passed, there won’t be a time the tile makes a sound again. I will not play the piano again.

SEOKJIN

17 July YEAR 20 (TEAR Y ver.)

As I exited out the school building, sound of cicada pierced through my ears. The field was filled with kids laughing, joking, and running around. The start of summer vacation, everyone's’ excitement reached to the max. Through the crowd, I put my head down and walked ahead. I wanted to get out of the school as soon as possible.

‘Hyung’ I raised my head from the surprise due to someone’s shadow that popped out. It was Hoseok and Jimin. Like always they looked at me with big pure smile and eyes filled with mischief. ‘Today is vacation you are just going to leave?’ Hoseok said while pulling my arm. I gave few meaningless responses, ok’s, and then turned my head. What happened that day was purely an accident that I didn’t mean. I did not think Yoongi and Jungkook would be in the storage room at that time. The principle suspected I was protecting my brothers. He said he could tell my father that I wasn’t a good student. I had to say something. The talk about our hangout place was because I thought there was no one. But it led to Yoongi getting expelled. No one knew I was involved in that incident.

‘Have nice vacation Hyung! I’ll call you’ as if Hoseok understood my ignorance, he slowly put his hand down and gave bright greeting. Again, I couldn’t say anything. There wasn’t anything I could say. After I stepped out of school I remembered the first day I came to this school. I was late and everyone got in trouble with me. That was why I was able to smile. But I ruined those memories.

HOSEOK

15 September YEAR 20 (HER L ver)

Jimin’s mother walked across the emergency room. After checking the name on the bed and the IV shots, she removed the leaf on Jimin’s shoulder with her fingers. I felt that I had to explain why Jimin was in the emergency room and the reason for the seizure at the bus station, so I hesitantly went up to her. Jimin’s mother finally noticed me and stared at me for a long time as if she was judging something. I didn’t know what to do, so I awkwardly stood there. Jimin’s mother said, “Thank you,” and turned back.

When Jimin’s mother faced me again, the doctor and nurses were moving the bed and I tried to follow. Jimin’s mother thanked me once again and pushed my shoulders. Rather than pushing, putting her hand on my shoulder for a short amount of time, would be the correct word. Suddenly, there was a line that you can’t see between Jimin’s mother and myself. The line was clear and hard. Cold and firm. It was a line I would never cross. I lived in the orphanage for 10 years. With that I can tell, with my body, the look, and the atmosphere. I walked back and stumbled on the cold ground. Jimin’s mother looked down at me. She was a small and beautiful person but the shadow was big and cold. That shadow covered me, who was on the hospital floor. When I looked up, Jimin’s bed was already out of the emergency room and it was out of my sight. After that day, Jimin didn’t return to school.

JIMIN

28 September YEAR 20 (HER O ver.)

I stopped counting how many days it has been since I admitted to the hospital. That is something you do when you want to go out or have hope. Looking from trees, plants, and people’s outfit it didn’t look like the time passed much. One month at most. Sometimes I would see people who wore school uniforms but now that didn’t seem any special to me now. I wasn’t sure if was medicine but everything was boring and dull. However today was a special day. A day if I wrote diary, I would definitely write about but I didn’t write a diary nor did I want to create trouble writing about it. Today I lied for the first time. I looked at doctor’s eyes with a gloomy eye and said “I can’t remember anything.”

JUNGKOOK

30 September YEAR 20 (TEAR Y Ver)

‘Jeon Jungkook. You are not still going there?’ I didn’t answer. I just looked down at my shoes. I got hit by the attendance book for not answering. I still didn’t open my mouth. It was the room I was with my brothers. Ever since discovering the room while wandering around with brothers there wasn’t a day I didn’t go. Even the hyungs probably didn’t know. They sometimes didn’t come because they had an appointment or they were too busy with their part time job. Yoongi hyung and Seokjin Hyung sometimes didn’t show up for multiple days. But I wasn’t. I came to that classroom every single day. There would be days where no one would show up the whole day. But it was ok. The fact that the place exist means even if it’s not today, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, they will come.

‘You only learned bad stuff from hanging out with the group’ and then I got hit again. I looked up and glared. I got hit again. I remembered when Yoongi Hyung was getting hit. I clenched my jaw and contained myself. I didn’t want to lie that I wasn’t going to the room.

I’m standing in front of the room once again. It felt like if I open this door the hyungs would be there. I felt like they will be playing games and asking me why I was so late. Seokjin hyung and Namjoon hyung reading, Taehyung hyung playing games, Yoongi hyung playing piano, and Hoseok and Jimin hyung dancing.

But when I opened the door there was only Hoseok hyung. He was cleaning up the items we left in the classroom. I just stood there holding the door knob. He came and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He took me outside ‘let’s go now’ and the door closed behind my back. I realized. Those days are over and it will never come again.

HOSEOK

25 February YEAR 21 (HER O ver.)

I danced without taking off my eyes away from myself in the mirror. In there, I lifted up without my feet touching the ground and I was free from all the gaze and standards of the world. Other than moving my body, following the rhythm of the music, putting my heart in my body, other than that nothing was important.

The first time I danced was back when I was round 12 years old. It should be during a field trip talent show. I stood on the stage led by my school friends. The event that still remains in my memory from that day was sound of applause, cheering, and for the first time, I felt like I was myself. Of course, at that time I enjoyed from just moving my body following the music. It was after a while when I realized, that the joy did not come from the applause but from no other than myself.

Myself,  from outside was hung up on too many things. I couldn’t stay for more than few seconds after my feet lifted up from ground, I smiled even if I was sad, and even though I ate medicine that I didn’t need, I collapsed in random places. So I try not to take off my eyes from myself in the mirror. The moment I can truly be myself. The moment I can lift up after leaving behind the heavy things and the moment I can have faith that I can be happy. I look at that moment

NAMJOON
17 December YEAR 21 (TEAR Y Ver)

The people waiting for the first bus rubbed their hands from the cold wind. I looked at the ground while holding on to my backpack strap tightly. I tried to not make any eye contact with people. Country town where bus comes 2 times a day. From afar, I saw the first bus coming.

I got on the bus following the crowd. I did not turn back. If there is something desperately I want and I barely got hold of it. When all I have left is to escape there always followed conditions. Do not look back. The moment you turn back all your hard work is gone. Turning back. That is suspicion, lingering, also fear. The moment you withstand that you are able to escape.

Bus took off. It wasn’t like I had a plan. There wasn’t anything I was desperate for nor I got something I need and I’m escaping with it. It was more of thoughtlessly escaping. From Mother’s tired face, confused and lost sister, and father’s illness. House that demanded sacrifice and peace due to hard family situations, myself who’s trying to ignore all and try to live, and mostly away from the poverty.

If anyone asks if poverty is a crime they would say no. But is it? Poverty wears everything away. The precious belongings become nothing. It leads to giving up things you would not want to give up. You suspect, fear, give up, and acknowledge it.

In few hours, bus would stop in familiar bus stop. One year ago when I left without making any farewell. Right now I’m going back without any notice. I tried to remember friends’ faces. I’ve lost contact with everyone. How is everyone doing? Will they be happy to see me? Will we be able to smile all together like before? Because of the fogged up  window I was unable to see the outside scenery. On top of that I slowly moved my fingers

‘You must survive’

HOSEOK

2 March YEAR 22 (ANSWER S Ver)

I like being with people. When I became independent from the Orphanage I started part time working at a fast food restaurant. It was a job that required me: to deal with a lot people, always smile, and be bright. I liked that job. To be honest there was nothing in my life that made me smile or have bright days. It was clear I saw more bad people than good people. Maybe that’s the reason I liked that job. When I force myself to smile and talk loudly sometimes it makes me mistaken as if I was really happy. When I laughed loudly I felt happier, as I acted politely I became a polite person. There were days when it was hard. When I had to clean up the store, on my way back home it so tiring to even move a single step. There were days where I had significantly a lot of rude customers. But back when I was with my friends it was easier than now.

Sometimes looking over customers who filled the store, I thought of my friends. Seokjin hyung, who moved school without saying a word, Namjoon, who disappeared one morning, Yoongi hyung, who lost contact after getting expelled from school. Taehyung, who I don’t know where he would run off and cause trouble, and Jimin, who I last saw at the emergency room and never returned to school. I saw Jungkook recently passing by going home wearing his uniform but he didn’t visit the store. I thought ‘did those days really end?’

I welcomed loudly as customer entered. Then I put a bright healthy smile and looked at the door.

TAEHYUNG

29 March YEAR 22 (ANSWER E ver)

The owner of the gas station left while spitting on the floor. I lay on the floor in a making myself into a ball. I got caught graffiting back wall of the gas station and got hit by the owner. I rolled on the ground. Getting hit was something I was used to but also something it was something I never got used to.

It was only few days ago when I started to draw graffiti. I picked up a spray someone left and sprayed on the wall. I think it was yellow. I just sprayed it and looked at it. On the gray wall, I looked at the bright yellow and picked up another spray. I sprayed my feelings that I didn’t know about for a long time. I finally stopped my hand after emptying all the bottles. I threw the bottle and stepped back. I ran out of breath as if I ran as fast as I can.

I didn’t know what these colors on the wall meant. What I did, why I did, I didn’t know. But I knew one thing, that this is my feeling. I expressed my feeling on the wall. At first it looked ugly; it looked dirty, looked stupid, useless, and pitied it. I didn’t like it. I rubbed the undried paint on the wall with my hand. I wanted to erase everything. Instead of the paint going away, the color smudged in to new color and formed a new shape. I leaned against the wall. It wasn’t the problem with liking it or not. It wasn’t the problem with looking beautiful or not. That was just me.

As I stood up I coughed. Guessing mouth ripped blood came out as I coughed. Then I saw someone pick up the spray can. As I followed the hand I saw the face it was Namjoon hyung. I chuckled. I thought I was hallucinating. He held out his hand. I just looked up. He pulled my hand. The hand was warm.

YOONGI

7 April YEAR 22 (HER O ver)

I stopped as I heard a piano sound that was very unskilled. The only sound in the empty construction at night was the popping of fire that someone lit inside a drum*. I knew it was the song I used to play but I thought, “what does that matter?” I wobbled with drunken feet. I closed my eyes and purposely walked more carelessly. As the heat from the fire got stronger, the sound of the piano, night air, and intoxication all grew lighter.

As I opened my eyes from sudden honking, a car grazed narrowly passed me. Headlights’ brightness and the wind that the car brought, in intoxication and confusion, I helplessly stumbled around. I heard the sound of a driver cursing. As I was about to stop and curse back, I realized that I couldn’t hear the sound of the piano anymore. Amidst the sound of fire blazing, the wind, and the small noise the car left behind, it was clear I couldn’t hear the sound of the piano anymore. It seemed like it stopped. Why did they stop? Who played the piano?

With a sharp noise, the sparks from the fire in the drum surged up to the darkness. I looked at it for a long time, blanked out. My face heated up from the warmth. Bang! It was that moment when I heard the sound of a fist slamming down on a piano. I turned back on instinct. In a short amount of time, my blood rushed strongly, and the sound of my breath became irregular. Nightmare of childhood, it sounded like what I heard back then.

Next, I was running. Without my will, my body turned back and ran toward the music store. It felt like something I had done countless times. I didn’t know what it was but I had a sensation that I had forgotten something.

Music store with broken window. In front of the piano, someone was sitting. Although many years have passed, I was able to recognize immediately. They were crying. I clenched my fists. I didn’t want to interfere with someone’s life. I didn’t want to comfort someone’s loneliness. I didn’t want to become a meaningful person for someone. I could be confident that I can protect them. I didn’t have confidence that I can stay next to them ‘till the end. I didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want to get hurt.

I slowly moved my footsteps. I planned to turn back, but before I even noticed, I walked towards it and corrected the wrong note. Jungkook lifted his head up. “Hyung.” It was our first time seeing each other since I quit school.

*drum that would contain oil.

JUNGKOOK

11 April YEAR 22 (HER L ver.)

In the end, it turned out how I wanted. I purposely bumped into thugs I met on the street and got beaten up hard. As I laughed while getting beaten up, they called me a crazy bastard and hit me more. I looked up to the sky while leaning against the shutter door. It was already night time. On the pitch black sky, there was nothing. I saw a clump of grass in the distance. It laid down as the wind blew. It looked like myself. I felt the tears coming so I purposely laughed.

As I closed my eyes, I saw an image of my step-father coughing. My step-brother laughed. Relatives of my step-father looked at other places or talked about unrelated topics. As if my existence was not there, they acted like my existence meant nothing. My mother didn’t know what to do in front of them. As I put my hand on the floor and stood up, the dust came up, and it made me cough. The pit of my stomach hurt like I had been stabbed. I went up the roof of the construction building. The night of the city stretched with horrible colors. I climbed up the railing and walked with my arms spread out. That moment, my leg wobbled and I almost lost balance. I thought, “One step, I probably would die. If I die, it would be all over, no one would be sad because I’m gone.”

11 April YEAR 22 (ANSWER L ver)

I walked on the railing on the roof. A building that was abandoned with the stop of construction. As I put my foot on the air starting from the tip my foot darkness filled. Beneath the rail was scenery of night of the city. Neon sign and car honking, the dust whirled in the darkness. For a sudden moment I felt dizzy and wobbled. I raised my arms on to catch my balance. Then I thought. It was just one step. If I just make one step everything was over. I leaned closer to the darkness. The darkness that started from my feet already spread as if it was going to consume my whole body. As I closed my eyes the distracting city, the sound, and the fear disappeared. I held my breath. Then slowly leaned forward. I didn’t think about anything. I didn’t think about anyone. I didn’t want to leave anything behind. I was not going to remember anything. This was the end.

It was that moment when the phone rang. I got back to my sense like I woke up from a long dream. All the sense came back. I took out my phone. It was Yoongi hyung.

SEOKJIN

11 April YEAR 22 (HER E ver.)

I came to the sea alone. Through the viewfinder, the sea was always wider, blue, and open. The scattering sunlight after being reflected the water, the wind that passed through the Pine Tree forest. It was all same. The only thing that had changed was that I was alone. As I pressed the shutter, the scenery flickered and the moment from 2 year and 10 month ago appeared and disappeared. That day we were sitting next to each other facing the sea. We were tired, had nothing, and desolated but we were together.

I turned the car around and stepped on the accelerator. Passed through the tunnel and passed the resting stop. I opened the car window as I reached near the school we all attended. It was Spring Night. The air was warm and cherry blossom petals fluttered down from the trees that were lined up on school wall. I passed the school, passed few intersections, and had multiple left turns and right turns. From a far I saw the light from gas station Namjoon works at.

11 April YEAR 22 (TEAR R ver.)

With a screech, the car barely stopped. Lost in thought, I didn’t see the light turn red. Students with familiar uniforms were staring at me behind the window. There were people pointing fingers. I put an awkward smile and put my head down.

I knew what I had to do. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t scared. Can I put an end to this scar and unhappiness? With these multiple failures is it telling me that I’ll never succeed. Telling me to give up. Our happiness is a false hope. So many thoughts crossed my mind.

I was already at four-way intersectin of the gas station and I spotted Namjoon putting gas. I breathed deeply and let it out. Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, Jungkook, I thought of their individual faces. Then I changed my route and entered the gas station. I couldn’t give up. If there is 1% chance I’ll not give up. I saw Namjoon approaching towards me.

11 April YEAR 22 (ANSWER F ver.)

When I opened my eyes it was April 11th again. Sunlight shined through the open curtain. When I got up I got dizzy that I closed my eyes again. The surroundings turned red and an image of Taehyung was formed. He was standing alone on top of the observatory platform at the beach. This happened on May 22. It was both the past and the future, something that happened before and could happen in the future. It all happened when I thought everything was solved.

It was around when sun was setting when I saw Taehyung climbing up the platform. The sky was still blue but the dark red atmosphere was creeping in. I was looking around and saw Taehyung climbing up. When Taehyung reached to the top hle looked down at us for a short time. Then he jumped. Like a bird, he flew as if he had wings. It seemed like he was in the air for a second, then it felt like a glass shattering, the curtain opening bringing wave of cold air.

Then when I opened my eyes again it was today, April 11th.

YOONGI

11 April YEAR 22 (ANSWER S ver)

I walked with notice of Jungkook walking behind me. Following the straight path of railroad there was rows of container box. ‘It’s the container fourth from the back.’  Hoseok said Namjoon and Taehyung was going to meet him and added that to follow him. I told him ok though I didn’t really have thought of going. I hated getting with people and Hoseok knew this as a fact. He probably thought that I wouldn’t really come.

As I open the door Hoseok gave me a surprised look. And when he noticed Jungkook behind me he approached with the usual over reacting method showing mixed emotions on his face. I passed by those two and headed inside of the container. It’s been so long. I heard the quarrel between Hoseok who’s trying to hug and embarrassed Jungkook.

Namjoon entered with Taehyung. One of the t-shirt sleeves of Taehyung’s was ripped. Namjoon acted like punching Taehyung when I asked what happened. It took me some time because I had to get him out of the police station for doing graffiti. Taehyung gave exaggerated sorry and said his t-shirt ripped from running away from the police.

I looked as I sat in the corner. Namjoon gave t-shirt to change for Taehyung; Hoseok was taking out hamburger and drinks. Jungkook stood awkwardly in the middle not knowing what to do. It seemed like that even at high school. Namjoon was getting made fun of when trying to calm Taehyung in the corner of the classroom, Hoseok was moving around and Jungkook stood by not knowing what to do.

How long as it been, I don’t remember. I wondered what happened to Seokjin and Jimin. I thought unlike my usual self. Even though it’s my first time being there I felt comfortable.

NAMJOON

11 April YEAR 22 (HER V ver.)

As I was going through t-shirts which I barely had, Taehyung reached out and grabbed a shirt. It was a shirt that had the same letters printed as what I was currently wearing. With an awkward laugh, Taehyung took off his ripped shirt. Under the low lighting hung on trailer ceiling I saw glimpse of his bruised back. Hoseok looked at me with surprised eyes. Taehyung looked at himself through a dirty mirror after putting on my shirt. Then laughed.

‘I was late because I had to get him out of the police station from running around doing graffiti’ I acted like I was going to hit Taehyung and Taehyung made a exaggerated action saying he was sorry. Yoongi hyung, who was sitting in the corner of the trailer came closer slowly and hit Taehyung’s shoulder lightly.

11 April YEAR 22  (ANSWER E ver.)

When I turned around after filling up the gas something past my face and dropped on the floor. As I stepped back and looked down there was crumbled bill. I bent down and reached down as a reflex. The people sitting in the car laughed loudly. I stopped in an instinct. From the far Seokjin hyung would probably be watching me. I couldn’t raise my head. How do I deal with people whose riding expensive cars making fun of others? I need to fight it. If what they are doing is unjustly you must fight it. That isn’t problem with courage, pride, and equality. It was something that should be done.

But this is a gas station and I’m gas station part time worker. If the customer throws trash i have to pick it up, if the customer curses at me I have to listen, if they throw the money on the floor I have to pick it up. The insult made my body tremble. I clenched my fist. My nails digged through my skin.

At that moment someone picked up the bill and passed it to me. The people in the car left as the fun died down. I couldn’t raise my head even after they left. I didn’t have the courage to face Seokjin hyung. My cowardliness, my poverty, and my situation hyung wasn’t the person who doesn’t know that. But I still didn’t want to show it openly. He stood there on the tip of my eyes and didn’t move. He didn’t come closer nor did he start the conversation.

NAMJOON

28 April YEAR 22 (ANSWER S ver)

I had a feeling something has happened to Taehyung for a while now. Although he acted like nothing happened, from the sudden act, expression, and the way he talked showed the uncertainty and anxiety. He frequently visited the police station and I saw injuries on his body. And he had nightmares.

‘What happened, talk about it’ I didn’t ask that because I was waiting for Taehyung to talk about it himself. At one point I thought if I even had the right to hear about his worries. Acting likes his hyung, acting like an adult but I wasn’t a real adult. I was hesitating without realizing the reality in front of me.

‘Yoongi hyung is dead.’ Taehyung once again had a nightmare. As I grabbed his shoulder and shook him he woke up with a surprise and sat there for a while. Without even thinking to wipe his tears he kept talking nonsense. He said Yoongi hyung died, Jungkook got into an accident, and I got in a fight. He said he kept dreaming these and it’s so real that it seems like that the dream is reality and the reality is dream. ‘Hyung don’t go anywhere.’ Taehyung’s voice trembled uneasily.

JUNGKOOK

2 May YEAR 22 (TEAR U ver)

When I put my head up I was in front of Namjoon hyung’s container. I opened it and climbed up. I collected all the clothes scattered, put them over me, and curled up to sleep. The coldness came up. My body was shaking and I felt like crying but I couldn’t even cry.

When I entered Yoongi hyung was standing on top of the bed. On tips of the bed sheets was flames rising up. At that moment unbearable anger and fear wrapped my whole body. I wasn’t the type who could talk well. I wasn’t good at expressing myself nor was I good at convincing people. With tears and coughs coming up I couldn’t talk. The only thing I was able to say while jumping into the fire was ‘we promised to go to the sea together’

‘What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?’ I opened my eyes because someone shook my shoulder. It was Namjoon hyung. Wave of relief came. He put his hand on my head and said I had slight fever. I felt that I really did. My mouth was boiling hot but I was cold. I had headaches and my throat was hurting. I barely took the medicine Namjoon Hyung bought me. ‘Sleep, let’s talk later’ I nodded and said ‘can I be an adult like you?’ Namjoon hyung turned back

YOONGI

2 May YEAR 22 (ANSWER L Ver)

The bed sheet that caught on fire quickly flamed up. In the unbearable heat everything that looked poor lost its existence. Sour moldy smell, the unknown humidity, and the damp light all lost its presence. The only thing left was pain. The physical pain from the heat, fingertips, the skin, and it was so hot that it felt like I would get blister and melt down instantly. Finally the emotionless father’s face and the sound of the music deserted.

Between father and I, a lot of things were different. Father didn’t understand me and I didn’t understand my father. Would I have been able to persuade him if I tried? Probably not. The only thing I was able to do was hide, rebel, and run away. Then I think that the thing I’m trying to run away from is not actually father. Then a wave of fear came to me. What am I running away from? How do I get away from myself? Everything felt impossible.

It sounded like someone was calling me but I didn’t raise my head. Whether it was the heat or the pain, I couldn’t breathe. I had no energy to move. But, I was able to tell. It was Jungkook. I was sure he was probably mad. He would probably be sad for me. I just wanted to slump down here. Smoke and the heat, pain and fear I wanted to end everything here. Jungkook shouted something again but I couldn’t hear him still. My vision collapsed down. For the last time, I turned around. The last scenery I see from this world, just dirty lonely room, scarlet red flames and heat, and Jungkook’s face.

HOSEOK

12 May YEAR 22 (ANSWER E ver)

I opened the emergency staircase door and ran down. I ran like the heart was about to explode. The face I passed by at the hallway of the hospital was definitely mom’s face. The moment I turned around the elevator door opened and people swarmed out. I desperately pushed away people to move forward and saw from afar that she entered the emergency staircase. Desperately I went down 2 stairs at a time. Without stopping I went down multiple floors.

‘Mom!’ She stopped. I made a step forward. She turned her body around. I went down another step. Mom’s face was now visible. It was that moment, my heels slipped on the tip of the stair and body balance leaned forward. I closed my eyes thinking I was going to fall. Someone grabbed my arm. To that I was able to catch my balance. When I turned around I saw Jimin with surprised look on his face. Without being able to say thank you I turned my head around.

I saw a woman. She had surprised look on her face. Next to her a little boy blinking his big eyes looked at me. It wasn’t mom. I looked at her stood there on the stairs without saying a word.

I don’t remember what I said to get out of that situation. I didn’t even ask how Jimin was there. To question small things my head was filled with complications. The lady wasn’t my mother. Perhaps I already knew from the beginning. It’s been 10 years since I was left in the amusement park alone. Mom probably has aged and would probably be different than what I remember. Even if I were to meet mom I won’t be able to recognize her face. No, I don’t remember her face anymore now.

I turned back. Jimin was following me without a word. After getting separated in the emergency room during high school, Jimin said he had stayed in the hospital since then. When I asked if he didn’t want to go out, I remember him not being able to do anything. Maybe Jimin is locked in the memory without being able to let go like me. I step forward to Jimin

Jimin let’s get out of here.

JIMIN

15 May YEAR 22 (ANSWER E ver)

When I opened my eyes Hoseok hyung was standing in front of me. He looked down at me in familiar ceiling, familiar darkness. When I got up from the surprise he put his finger on his lips. Seemed like everyone was a sleep the room was quiet. Hyung handed me a shirt. Then pointed to the door.

Everyone came. I was told that Namjoon hyung is on the lookout and Yoongi hyung was stopping the nurse. Jungkook and Taehyung will be joining in the elevator later. At first I couldn’t understand what he was saying. He held out his hand to me.

The day I get out of the hospital. I used to dream about that day. Get out of the hospital and meet friends. I wanted to have fun, laugh and spend times together like before. But now I don’t know. Is it a good idea to get out? My parents who hid me here treating me like I don’t exist, people who talk about me that I have mental issues, maybe even Hoseok hyung might be thinking the same thing. Deep inside that I’m a weird guy that it’s uncomfortable to hang out with a person like me.

‘Come on. We have no time.’ I don’t know if it’s because he hurried me but it felt like the ticking of the clock seemed to be faster. Click, click, a footstep that sounded like a hallucination came closer to the room. Hyung and I both looked at the door and looked back at each other. His hands were still in front of me.

JIMIN

16 May YEAR 22 (ANSWER S ver)

Hoseok hyung’s house was located in a very high altitude. A small rooftop house you see after passing by big street and walk past the cramped twisted roads the house’s rooftop, which was hyung’s home. As we entered the house that only has a room, hyung showed off that this was the real place everywhere we grew up was located under our feet, the city’s highest floor. Like what hyung said, at the rooftop you can see a lot of things. Not far you could see the train station and following the railroads there was containers. One of them was Namjoon hyung lived. And if I moved my eyes just a little there was the school we all attended together.

When I was looking for the school I turned to the opposite side of the city. Following the mountain line there was bunch of apartment buildings. There was our house, no, my parents’ home. Right now I ran away from the hospital without giving any notice. My parents probably got contacted. Perhaps it could be that they might be looking for me right now. I wasn’t ready to face my parents yet. I came out of the hospital but I couldn’t go home. That did not mean I wanted to return back to the hospital. But I had nowhere to go and I had no money. While I stood there fidgeting hyung told me to follow him and lead the way. That’s where I ended up, Hyung’s house.

I looked up again and saw the apartments. There will be one day I will have to go there. I would need to face my parents and tell them that I won’t go to hospital ever again. I breathed deeply. Just thinking about it felt like I was going to have seizure. I couldn’t trust myself that I could live here perfectly fine away from the hospital. I might be sent to hospital again. I was too scared contain myself

JIMIN

19 May YEAR 22 (TEAR Y ver)

In the end I had to go to PulKkot Arboretum. I had to stop lying that I don’t remember what happened there. Hiding in the hospital, having seizures, I had to put an end to all that. To do that, I had to go there. With that thought, I came to this bus station for the last couple days but I couldn’t ride the PulKkot Arboretum shuttle bus.

It was when I passed three buses, when Yoongi hyung came next to me. With the question what he was doing here he replied that he had nothing to do and he was just bored. Then asked why I was sitting here. I kicked the ground with tip of my shoes while looking down. I thought about why I was sitting here. It was because I didn’t have courage. I wanted to act as if I’m fine, I know something, I could get over with it easily but in reality I was scared. What I’m going to face if I could confront that, if I wasn’t going have seizure again I was scared.

Yoongi hyung looked relaxed. Like there was nothing to hurry he said random stuff like the day it good. After that I realized the day is really good. I was too tensed to notice the surroundings. The sky was blue. Sometimes warm breeze was blowing. Far there PulKkot Arboretum shuttle bus was coming. Bus stopped and the door opened. The bus driver looked at me. I said impulsively

‘Hyung, can you come with me?’

HOSEOK

20 MAY YEAR 22 (TEAR O ver)

I took Taehyung out from the police station. ‘Thank you for your hard work’ I bowed but in reality I wasn’t in the mood. Taehyung’s home wasn’t very far from the police station. If he lived far away from it would he not have come to police station this often? Why did Taehyung’s parents decide to live near a police station? To this stupidly pure and nice kid the world was too cruel. I wrapped my arm around Taehyung’s shoulder and asked ‘are you hungry?’ Like nothing has happened. Taehyung shook his head. I asked ‘did police officers buy you food welcoming for coming back?’ But Taehyung didn’t reply.

We walked through the sun ray together. But in the inside cold wind blew. I feel this bad how bad is he feeling. How many times did his heart rip and break? Is his heart even left? How much pain is he holding in.? After those thoughts, I couldn’t face Taehyung so I looked up the sky instead. Through slightly unclear sky there was airplane flying by. The first time I saw scars on Taehyung’s back was when I went to Namjoon’s hangout place. I couldn’t say anything in front of Taehyung’s childish smile that he made for just getting on T-shirt but in the corner of my heart, I collapsed.

I don’t have a parent. I don’t have a single memory of my father and only up to when I was 7 for mom. I wouldn’t lose to anyone about scars from family and childhood that I have received. People say. You have to endure withstand and accept, make up and forgive that’s how you survive I’m not doing it because I don’t know how to. I’m not rejecting it because I hate it. Some stuff you just can’t achieve no matter how hard you try. No one tells you how. The world gave me scar even before I got use to the world. I know everyone in the world has scars. But is this amount of pain necessary. Why is it necessary? Why are these happening?

‘Hyung it’s ok I could go alone’ Taehyung said in crossroad ‘I know’ I didn’t budge and led the way ‘I’m really fine look I’m fine’ Taehyung smiled. I didn’t answer. He couldn’t be fine. He isn’t fine but if he acknowledges it he can’t endure it. He’s ignoring it. It became a habit. Taehyung started following me while putting his hoodie on. ‘You really not hungry right?’ I asked again hallway leading to Taehyung’s home. He nodded with a big smile. I turned back after looking at him leave. The hallway he was walking the road I was going back was so narrow and empty. He and I were both alone. Phone rang while I was trying to turn around

TAEHYUNG

20 MAY YEAR 22 (TEAR O ver)

I looked at my hands. There was blood. My leg lost its strength. I was dropping when someone hugged me from the back. Through the window, foggy sun ray was coming through. My sister was crying and Hoseok hyung stood there without saying anything. Dirty house items and blankets were all over the place like always. Where after stood there was no one. I couldn’t remember when he got out of the room

The anger and sadness I had when I was dashing to my father still remained in my heart. The moment I was going to stab my father I don’t know what exactly prevented me from doing so. I didn’t know how to calm myself from losing my mind. I didn’t want to kill my father but I want to kill myself. If I could I want to kill myself right this moment. Not even tears were coming out. I wanted to cry scream, kick everything, break, and destroy everything I wanted to be broken but I couldn’t do single thing.

‘Hyung I’m ok so you can go’ my voice came out dry unlike my mind which was going crazy. It didn’t sound like myself. After sending Hoseok away and looked down on my hands. Through the bandages blood was seeping through. Instead of stabbing my father I smashed the bottle on the floor. When I did I ripped my hands. The world spun when I closed my eyes. What I should think, do, or how I should live. I realized I was looking down at Namjoon hyung’s number. Even in this situation no because of this situation I was more desperate for his existence. I wanted to tell him. Hyung. I. My father. My own father. The one who beats me every day. I almost killed him. I was really close to killing him. No honestly I killed him. So many times. In my head I killed him numerous times. I wanted to kill him. I want to kill him. I don’t know what I should do anymore. Hyung. I just want to see you

NAMJOON

22 May YEAR 22 (TEAR U ver)

‘He’s only one year apart. No, did I say that. Yes, I’m older I know. But he’s not a kid anymore. I’m saying isn’t he old enough to take care of himself now. Ok I get it. I get it. No I’m not getting mad. Sorry.’

I ended the call and looked at the floor. Lukewarm ocean wind was going through the pine tree forest. My heart was about to explode due to this frustration. The ground that mixed with half sand and dirt the ants were going somewhere in a line. If some physical, symbolic someone who’s way bigger than me was watching over where I’m going why I’m going would it be able to see where I’m going in the end.

It’s not that I don’t love my parents. It’s not that I’m not worried about my sister. If I can ignore it I would but because it’s me I can’t. Then what is the meaning of struggling, getting mad, frustrated, wanting to get away.

All the way there was someone who was standing stiff as me. It was Jungkook. He once told me ‘I want to be an adult like you’ At that time I couldn’t say anything. That I wasn’t a good adult no I wasn’t even an adult at that time I felt that saying that is too cruel. For a kid who didn’t get the attention love and trust, because you get older, taller and live more doesn’t make you an adult. I want Jungkook’s future to be more hopeful than me but I couldn’t promise that I would be a help in the process. I approached to him and wrapped my arm around his shoulder. Jungkook raised his eyes and looked at me

TAEHYUNG

22 May YEAR 22 (HER V ver)

It was when we were passing through Pine Tree forest when I noticed hyung was getting behind from answering his call. This has been happening often lately. He would stand far to answer his calls so no one can hear the conversation. I purposely slowed down and hid myself towards the beach. Hyung couldn’t see me and passed by me. “He is only one year younger than me. No, I don’t really care too. It’s not like I can take responsibility for it, I'm sure he can manage by himself.”

Something cold ran down my back. It felt like the whole world was crashing. I felt like floating alone in the middle of the deep ocean. I was afraid and scared. Miserable and pathetic. I was angry. I was so angry I couldn’t hold it. I wanted to cause something. I wanted to break, destroy, and become a mess. I was always afraid. Father’s blood ran in my veins. I had a thought that violence hid inside me. It felt like something I had wrapped tightly was piercing through the barrier.

TAEHYUNG ( ANSWER S Ver )

22 May YEAR 22

‘Hyung, is that all? Isn’t there something else you are hiding from us?’ The surroundings got quiet at once. Everyone’s eyes turned on me. I looked straight at Seokjin hyung’s eyes. Hyung looked at me. From the stare showed a little bit of tiredness, annoyance, and shame was mixed together. I tried to ask again, but someone stopped me by grabbing my arm. I didn’t turn around but I knew who it was. It was Namjoon hyung.

‘What does it have to do with you hyung? You are not even my real brother.’ I felt Namjoon’s stare. Even without turning my head and I shook off hyung’s hand. I knew. I knew that I was getting mad at hyung for unnecessary reasons. That it was my way of saying I was showing my anger by repeating the same message he delivered to someone on the call. There was nothing wrong about what he said. I was only a year younger than hyung. I wasn’t even his real brother. He was right that I had to do my things by myself. But I was sad. I was more mad that I couldn’t say anything back. I wanted him to know how I feel.

‘Taehyung, I’m sorry. Let’s stop talking about this issue here.’ Seokjin was the one who broke the silence. The person who called my name and the person who said sorry was all Seokjin hyung. Namjoon hyung didn’t say a word. ‘What do you mean stop. Tell us everything while we are on the topic. Hyung, you have something you are hiding from us.’

‘Let’s talk about this outside.’ Namjoon spoke as he grabbed my arm again. I tried to let go of his hand but this time held my arm tightly and tried to pull me outside. I tried to resist. ‘Let go of me. What gave you the right to stop me. What do you know? You don’t know anything. Hyung you think you are something great don’t you?’ It was that moment. He let go of my arm. From that I stumbled from the reflex. No, I didn't stumble because of the reflex. The moment hyung let go of my arm it felt like the mid ring broke. It felt like everything I relied on started to crack and crumble down. Maybe I didn’t want hyung to let go of my arms. Just drag me out while getting mad at me. Like you would do for a real brother, because it’s a person who is so important that you can’t let go. I wished that he would scold me more.

But he let go of my arm. It just made me laugh. ‘What’s so important about being together. What are we to each other. In the end we are all alone.’ That was when Seokjin hyung hit me.

JUNGKOOK

22 May YEAR 22 (TEAR)

I thought my body lifted up from the ground but was already on the hard ground. For a while I couldn’t feel anything. My body was just so heavy I couldn’t even lift my eyelids. Couldn’t even swallow saliva nor could I breathe. My conscious was scattering and my surroundings were getting blurry.

As if I was surprised by something my body started shaking like I was having a seizure. In an unknown pain and thirst, I opened my eyes. The vision that was unclear as if I had sand in my eye something behind was lingering. At first I thought it was light but it wasn’t. It was bright and big but unclear. It wasn’t moving but floating on the sky. From staring into it for a long time it started to become clear. It was the moon

My head must have been flipped the world was flipped backwards. The moon from that world was flipped backwards too. To breathe I tried to cough but my body didn’t move. And chill went through my body. I was scared. Moved my mouth but no sound came out. I didn’t even close my eyes but darkness was covering me. From the thin consciousness someone started to talk to me.

‘Living is more painful than dying, do you still want to live?’

HOSEOK

31 May YEAR 22 (HER L ver)

I broke the gaze instinctively as my breath suddenly ran out. After dancing for such a long time, I would  run out of breath, but this wasn’t the case. I thought it reminded me of my mother. No, this wasn't something you can think, realize, or explain. I couldn’t see my friend’s face whom I knew for the past 10 years. We learned how to dance together, faced failures, faced frustrations, and worked harder. We even used to lay on the floor and played around with towels after getting covered in sweat. I hurriedly got up as a feeling that I haven’t felt got triggered. As I got around the corner, I leaned my back against the wall. Even before I tried to catch my breath, I heard a voice saying, “Where are you going, Hoseok?” I thought it could be the voice. The voice calling “Hoseok,” the voice that I don’t even remember clearly, the voice I have to go back to in my memories from when I was seven years old.

YOONGI

8 June YEAR 22 (HER L ver)

I took off the T-shirt again. The person in the mirror did not seem like me. The shirt that had the word “DREAM’ written on it was not my style in any way. Red, the word ‘dream’, and the fact that it was a tight shirt, nothing was my style. I took out a cigarette out of frustration and started to look for a lighter. I looked through the bag since it wasn’t in my pocket then realized. Took it. Without any hesitation, took it away from my hand. Then what was thrown at me were this lollipop and this shirt.

As I was getting up while messing my hair, I heard the sound of a text message arriving. The moment I saw the 3 letters of the name, the surroundings got brighter and my heart dropped. I folded the cigarette in half right as I checked the message. The next moment, myself in the mirror was smiling. Wearing the red tight T-shirt that has ‘DREAM’ written, I was smiling like an idiot as if something good had happened.

SEOKJIN

13 June YEAR 22 (HER)

After we came back from the beach, we were all alone.

As if it was promised, we did not contact each other. We were only able to check our existence by the graffiti left on the streets, lights on the gas station, and piano sounds coming from the old building. Every time, the memories from that night came back. Taehyung's glare that looked like fire was dripping from, all those stares that looked like they heard something unbelievable, Namjoon's hand that was stopping Taehyung, and myself who couldn't stop myself and punched Taehyung.

When I came back to the beach house after not being able to find Taehyung who ran away, there was no one left. Only the broken glass cup, blood stains that started to clump up and broken crackers crumbs were telling what happened few hours ago. Between those, there was one picture. In the picture, with the background facing the beach, we were together, and we were smiling.

Once again I passed by the gas station today. One day, there will be a day where we all meet again. There will be a day when we go back to when we all smiled together like in the picture. There will be a day when I get the courage to face myself. However, right now, it wasn't the time. Like that day, a damp wind blew today. Then like a warning, the phone rang. The picture hanging from the room mirror swayed. On the screen Hoseok's name came up.

"Hyung, Jungkook got into a car accident that night."

YOONGI

15 June YEAR 22 (TEAR Y ver)

The loud sound of music was the only sound I was able to notice. How much I drank, where I was, what I was doing, I didn’t want to know and I didn’t care. When I walked out wobbly it was already night time. I just walked. Pedestrian, newsstands, or it was a wall I bumped into everything. I didn’t care. I wanted to forget everything.

I could still hear Jimin’s voice clearly. ‘Hyung. Jungkook is’ The next thing I remember is climbing up the hospital stairs like crazy. The hospital hallway was unusually long and dark. People wearing patient clothes passed by. My heart was beating hard. Everyone’s face was pale. They had no expression. They all looked dead. The sound of breathing in my head shook me.

Through the small space between the doors, Jungkook was lying down. Without thinking, I turned my head. I couldn’t look. That moment, a sudden sound of piano, fire, collapsing of the building played. I dropped on the floor while covering my face. They said it was my fault. They said if I didn’t exist. My mother’s voice, no, my voice, no someone’s voice. Because of that I suffered for an enormous amount of time. I wanted to believe it wasn’t true. But Jungkook was lying down there. A hallway where patients who has soul less expression was walking by Jungkook was there. I couldn’t dare to go in. I couldn’t confirm. As I stood up my leg was shaking. Tears came down as I exited the building. It was a funny thing. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried.

As I was crossing the street I turned around because someone grabbed me. Who is it? No, it didn’t matter. No matter who it was. Please don’t come near me. Please leave me alone. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to get hurt. So please don’t come near me.

TAEHYUNG

25 June YEAR 22

I purposely slowed down my walking pace and focused on the small sound of someone following me. It’s been three times already, we bumped into each other at a convenience store. One thing different about today was that the moment the kid saw me, the kid ran away, then wandered around a small field behind the store and hid again as I appeared. To that kid, it was hiding, but the shadow stretched long across the field. It gave me a chuckle. As I started to walk away acting like I didn’t see, the kid started to follow me again.

I entered a narrow alley. This was the only place in town where the street lights were not broken. The alley was long and the light was located midway. When the light is ahead, the shadow forms from behind, so my shadows should be stretched far behind me. Perhaps, it might have reached the footsteps that slowly followed me from behind. As I reached right under the streetlight, the shadow hid under my feet. I started to speed up my walking pace. As the light went behind me, the shadow stretched ahead of me. Not long after, a shadow that was not mine appeared on the cement road. As I stopped, the presence behind me stopped along. The two shadows with different heights stood side by side.

I spoke, “I’m going to wait till you come here.’’ The shadow jumped from surprise. Then it held its breath as if they were to say they were not there. “I can see everything.” I pointed to the shadow with my fingers. Finally, I heard the footsteps getting close to me, purposely making loud steps. I laughed.

NAMJOON

30 June YEAR 22 (HER L ver)

As if my hand had its own will, it pressed the open button, and I looked at my hand with confusion. I had those moments. When I realized it was definitely the 1st time but had a feeling that I’ve done this multiple times, the elevator that was about to close, opened and a wave of people rushed in. In the crowd, I spotted a person who tied their hair with a yellow rubber band. Not that I pressed the button knowing the person was there but I felt like it was obvious that the person should have been there. I took a few step back. When I turned my head as the cold elevator wall touched my back, the yellow rubber caught my eyes.

The back of a person tells you a lot of stories. From those, I am only able to understand a few. I can make assumptions on a few of them and some are left without being able to understand. When I could finally understand everything just by looking at their back, I thought that would be time when you can really say you know the person. Then wouldn’t there be someone who can understand me by just looking at me from my back? As I put my head up, I caught my eyes on the mirror. I quickly avoided my eyes. When I raised my head again, I only saw my face in the mirror. I couldn’t see my back.

JIMIN

3 July YEAR 22 (HER L ver)

In the end, I laid on the floor. The surroundings got quiet immediately as I turned off the music, and other than the sound of my breathing and heartbeat, I couldn’t hear anything. I took out my phone and played the choreography video of the dance I learned today. In the video, hyung’s moves were smooth and exact. That was the result of many hours and sweat, the result of practicing, that for me, who recently started, was greed. But I kept sighing as understanding and expectation are different. I got up. I could copy the spin but I kept messing up the steps. I kept messing up the part where I moved to the places. We were supposed to put it together tomorrow. ‘Till then, I wanted to make it as perfect as possible. ‘You’re good’ rather than a compliment mixed with jokes, when I work together with Hoseok hyung I wanted to be acknowledged as a serious and equal leveled partner.

HOSEOK

4 July YEAR 22 (TEAR Y Ver)

While they were performing emergency care I stepped out to the hallway. It was middle of the night but quite a lot of people were still there. From the sweat and rainwater, water was dropping from the hair. While drying the hair I dropped her backpack. Many miscellaneous items dropped out. Coins were rolling, pens, and towels scattered. In middle of all, there was E-Ticket for a plane. I shortly scanned the while picking up the items

That moment the doctor called me. It was a slight concussion and I didn’t have to worry that much. Shortly after, she came out, ‘Are you ok?’ She said her head hurts a little and told me to hold her bag. She noticed the e-ticket poking out from the bag and stared at my face. I switched the bag to the other shoulder as if nothing happened and hurried her outside. When we exited it was still raining and we stood by the door

‘Hoseok-ah’ she called her face looked like she was about to say something. I dashed out to the rain saying ‘Wait I’ll go buy some umbrella’ the convenient store was just there. I knew she recently auditioned for dance team out of the country. The ticket probably meant that she was accepted. I didn’t want to hear her words. I had no confidences in wishing her congratulations.

JIMIN

4 July YEAR 22 (TEAR Y ver)

When I got myself together I realized I was washing my arm like I’m going skim myself. My hands were shaking and my breathing was inconsistent. Blood was going down my arm. My eye reflected through the mirror was filled with blood shots. I remembered incident little by little.

My concentration broke all of a sudden. It was a partner dance with the dance club older sister but our moves tangled and bumped into each other. I fell on rough floor I was bleeding from my arm. That moment the incident that happened in PulKkot Arboretum popped in my head. I thought I overcame this but I didn’t. I had to run away. Wash it away. Ignore it. The person in the mirror is still the small eight-year-old kid who was running away through the rain. Suddenly I remember she fell with me.

There was no one in the practice room. The small opening through the door rain was pouring. I saw far away Hoseok hyung running. He was getting hit by all the rain. I ran out with the umbrella. I ran. But stopped

There wasn’t anything I can do. Someone like me will just make someone hurt and tremble from my own injury and leave them behind, or chase them when it’s too late and stop that was all I can do. I walked back. Every step I made rain splashed on my shoe. Car headlights swished past me. I wasn’t ok. No I was ok. I wasn’t hurt. Something like this didn’t affect me. I was really fine.

NAMJOON

13 July YEAR 22 (TEAR Y ver)

I put my head against the bus window. From library to gas station. The streets I pass by every day. The scenery I got sick of passed by me. Would there be a day I get out of this frame of life. It seemed impossible to imagine tomorrow or even wish for something.

Just front of me I saw a girl who tied her hair with yellow rubber band. As if she was heavily breathing her shoulder went up and down. Then put her head against the bus window. It’s been about a month we studied in the same library and rode the same bus. We did not have a single conversation but looked at the same scenery coexisted in same time and breathed the same time. In my pocket the hair tie was still there

The girl always got off 3 stops ahead of me. Every time she got off I wondered if she was going to hand out the flyers again. I thought. ‘What kind of time does she have to go through, what kind of things does she have to go through? The feeling of tomorrow will never come tomorrow never existed, that feeling how much does she think about those.’

The stop the girl getting off was coming near. Someone ringed the stop sign and people started to stand up. But the girl wasn’t part of the crowd. She just sat there with her head besides the window. She seemed like she fell asleep. Should I wake her up? I hesitated. It reached the stop. The girl was still there. People got off. The door closed and bus left.

Even after 3 stops she didn’t wake up. As I walk toward the exit I hesitated again. If I get off, it was clear no one would care about her. She will wake up far away from where she has to get off and due to that her day would be more tiring than ever.

Past the bus stop I started to walk toward the gas station. The bus took off and I didn’t look back. I put the hair tie on top of her backpack but that was it. That wasn’t the start nor the end. Starting from the beginning there wasn’t anything and there was no reason to have one. So I thought it really was nothing.

JUNGKOOK

16 July YEAR 22 (HER L ver)

I stood on the windowsill with earphones in my ears and sang along a little. It has already been a week. Now I can sing along without looking at the lyrics. I took off the earphone from one ear and practiced listening to my voice. They liked the song because of the lyrics, but that lyric was embarrassing for me. I scratched my head. Through the big window, July’s sunlight poured in. While the leaves swayed a little due to wind, it shined, and the feeling of sunlight that fell on my face felt different. I closed my eyes. I continued to sing while seeing yellowish, reddish, and bluish colors inside my closed eyes. Maybe because of the lyrics or the sunlight, but somewhere in my heart something swelled up, it was ticklish and it tingled.

TAEHYUNG

17 July YEAR 22 (TEAR Y ver)

My side hurt like it was going to rip. Sweat was dropping. Corner of railway, field behind the convenient store, under the highway driveway, the kid was nowhere to be found. I ran all the way till bus stop but I still couldn’t find the kid. People waiting for the bus looked at me weird. How did this happen? Although we didn’t make any promise on meeting it was weird. The kid always popped out of nowhere and always followed me. It didn’t matter even if said I was annoyed. But she wasn’t anywhere we went together.

I stopped in front of familiar wall. It was graffiti we drew together. It was her first too. But on top of them was a big x. It was her. I didn’t see it happen but I knew. Why? There was no answer. Many memories flashed on the wall.

When she was trying to lie down on the railroad and she bumped her head so she was in pain. The moment when she helped me get up when I fell while running away, the expression she gave when I ate her bread. Sad face whenever we passed by photo studio and see family photos. When she was unknowingly following students with her eyes. I told her while spraying on this wall ‘if something is hard don’t suffer alone and tell me’ The x Mark was drawn on top of all the memories like as if they were saying it was all fake. It felt like it way lying. Without knowing I clenched my fist. Why? There was no answer. I walked back. I was alone once again. Me and the kid too

NAMJOON

20 July YEAR 22 (ANSWER S ver)

I raised my head while flipping through magazine ad sections. On other side table window side for days a person with different face was sitting down. Thick book, big bag, and the white paper cup it was all similar but it wasn’t her. I put my attention back to the magazine. I looked at the same page for hours. Due to the repeated thoughts words were not coming in my head. Why am I sitting here? I couldn’t think of an answer. In middle of all these people who are paying attention to something I was just flipping magazine with no energy. I did have the anxiety and hurry to do something. I knew it’s not good to be just like this.

I returned the magazine and went between the bookcases. On the bookcases that was taller than me had rows of books. The wind that came through the open window the smell of books and dust blew in the air. It reminded me of high school days. When I hung out with kids in the classroom. Even then the smell of the book was like this. Did ‘Me now’ grow up a little from “Me from the past’. I couldn’t be really positive. Perhaps everything about me might have stopped that that time. I shifted myself to the bookcase on the other side. I picked up the book I used to study back then. I had to start again. Starting from the ones I gave up and everything.

JUNGKOOK

26 July YEAR 22 (TEAR Y)

I secretly got flowers off the hospital garden. I put my head down because smile was keep coming out. Summer’s bright sun rays. I knocked the the hospital door but there was no answer. I tried to knock again but instead I opened it. The room was cold and there was no one. Only a very quiet darkness.

I came out. I met her when I was pushing my wheelchair fast because of the tiring and suffocating feeling. She came out all of a sudden so I barely stopped and there was a girl with a ponytail. Outside of the hospital there was a bench. I remember when we listened to songs together while drawing. And on the roof we drank strawberry milk together. I still had flower in my hand but now it lost its owner

JUNGKOOK

26 July YEAR 22 (ANSWER S ver)

When I turned around, the hospital was pretty far from me. The bench that I left the floor, the window I looked at the river together with her was now out of sight. Looking back she gave the breathing room in the suffocating hospital. Late evening, if I talked with her on the hospital bench the sun set down. What happened in our hang out place, when we went to the beach for a trip and I told her about when we walked all the way to the train station. She talked about corner places of the hospital. Which window shows river, which stair leads to the rooftop secretly. She knew everything about the hospital.

Her room was empty. Whether she got discharged, or moved to another hospital. I asked the nurses but I got no information. Some reason my heart felt empty. I turned around and started walking again. Far away I was able to see school. I realized that most of the stories that I told the kid all was about what I did with hyung, what I told her all started with ‘Hyung’. For me who was always alone, brothers were my friend, family, and my teacher. My story was all in Hyung’s story and I only existed within the relationship with hyungs.

But for some reason I kept having this thought. That one day they won’t be by my side anymore. There might be when I visited and no one is there and no one would tell me the reason. No something worse might happen.

I remembered that night. The night when a big moon was up, flipped world. The headlight light that came in my eyes from the flipped sight. The silhouette of the car that passed my me, tail lamp red light, engine sound that sounded somehow familiar. I didn’t want to make false accusation. But I kept remembering that moment.

JIMIN

28 July YEAR 22 (ANSWER S ver)

Even today I stayed behind in the practice room. It was already past 12 and the bus was already unavailable. To be honest I waited for the bus to be unavailable. That way I could use the room by myself to practice. When I practice with others I only saw my lacking. So I got anxious. I was also scared. But I wanted to do it somehow. So I stayed behind every night.

Days passed and surprisingly feeling scared was gone from my head. The only thing left was the fact that dancing was so fun. For a long time, I thought the small weak me that I made inside my head was the real me. As I danced the weight of my body, length of my arm, I constantly thought of the speed and the power I could pull out. The dancing me, was not small nor weak. My skills in dancing improved honestly. Movements that were not smooth, as I practiced in the end I was able to pull it off. I was growing. It was only by fingernails but I was growing. I also realized I was a talkative person. When I dance stories I couldn’t tell, the ones I didn’t talk about I was able to express it. As I started to dance for the first time I started to like myself.

YOONGI

29 July YEAR 22 (ANSWER S ver)

Why is it that I start to think about the melody after the person who will play the guitar and play with me left my side. I looked at the piano from the far, lying on my sofa. After getting expelled from the school I had trashed mother’s piano tile. The only item that I was able to take with me from the collapsed house due to fire, I threw the half burnt tile from the apartment window. I thought it was the end. I promised to myself that I would never put my fingers on piano.

It was the next day morning when I climbed down the stairs because I couldn’t wait for the elevator. I thought I slept for a short amount of time but the sun was already coming up. There was nothing on the flower bed under the window. The security man told me the trash pickup truck came by few days ago. I lost mother’s piano tiles like that.

Even after that I tried to give up music multiple times. I won’t do it anymore. I’m not going back. Music is nothing. But even when I was running away I knew. Like when I went down the stairs tripping, that I’m going to start music again. Music was that to me. In music it was painful but I was also free. It was total confusion but also clear. Fear and confidence, hope and fear, in all the contradicting feeling I felt like living.

I wanted to play piano all of a sudden. From the inside, I wanted to meet my true self show acts strong but is actually fearful and cowardice. I wanted to curse, scoff, hurt, hit, break, hug, and cry with myself. And I didn’t want to run away. I wanted to finish the melody that was made with piano and guitar. This time I felt like I could do it.

SEOKJIN

3 August YEAR 22 (ANSWER)

I opened the classroom door and entered. Midsummer night, from the air that has not been cooled, there were mixtures of smell of dust and mold. For a sudden moment, various scenes flashed across my mind. The principal’s shiny shoes, Namjoon standing in from of the door, the last day I ignored Hoseok and went home by myself. My head started to ache and I got chills. Physically and emotionally the signal was clear. I had to get out of here.

Taehyung grabbed my arm as he realized what I was thinking. “Hyung let’s try a little more. Try to remember what happened here.” I shook off Taehyung’s hand away went out the room. We have already gone around the heat for several hours. Everyone was exhausted. Others looked at me with the expression of not knowing what to say. Memories. The memories that Taehyung was talking about were all meaningless stories to me. That I did, that happened to me, the story of what we did together. There could be. I think there might have been. However memories are not something I accept to understand. Experiences are something I try to figure out. It should be something implanted deep inside my heart, head, and my soul. However all the memories that I have at this place are all bad thoughts. Memories that hurts me and wants to run away from.

There was a fight between me and Taehyung who tried to stop me from leaving. But we were both exhausted. The hitting, dodging, and stopping were all slow and heavy as if we were fighting in a hot liquid. It was very sudden when my foot got tangled with Taehyung’s. It seemed like I bumped my shoulder on to the wall and the next thing was, I lost my balance and fell.

At first I didn’t realize what has happened. Due to the heavy amount of dust you couldn’t breathe or open your eyes. ‘Are you ok?’ I realize from that voice that I had fallen to the ground. As I got up I realized the wall, I thought was a wall had crumbled down. Behind that wall there was quite a wide open space. For a moment, no one moved. Oh god, we spent so much time here. Someone said. No one had even imagined such a space behind the wall. But what is that? As the dust settled down we all caught a cabinet in the middle of the room.

Namjoon opened the cabinet. I took a step forward. There was one notebook placed in there. Namjoon picked up the note and opened to the first page. For a second I held my breath. On the first page of the old notebook there was unexpected name written in. It was father’s name. As Namjoon tried to flip to the next page I snatched it away. He looked surprised but didn’t bother much. I flipped the page. The old notes between the fingers felt like crumbling as the page flipped.

The note written in father’s handwriting was about what happened with his friends during his high school years. It wasn’t a daily notes. There was time when it skipped a whole month and one where you couldn’t read due to blood like substance on the notes. But I was able to recognize. Father had experienced the same thing I had. That he made the same mistake as I did and jumped and jumped to try to fix the mistakes.

The notes were the record of failure that father tried. In the end Father gave up and he failed. He forgot, ignored, and ran away. He gave up on his friends. On the last page where the notes were written, there was a huge ink stain. The stain was on the next page where nothing was and the next page till the last page. The stain represented father’s failure.

I couldn't figure out how long the time has passed all the senses were unclear. From the cool air passing through the window it seemed like the darkest time of the day, right before the sunrise. All the other boys along with Namjoon were all sleeping, collapsed on the floor. I raised my head and looked at the wall. Somewhere here I once saw father's name was written. Under it there was one statement. 'Everything started from here'

There was a spark of something on the tip of my fingers when I was trying to close the notes. Over the ink stains I was able to see unclear words. Behind the window I felt a foggy feeling. It seemed like the sun was about to rise. However the night was not over. It was a time that wasn't even night nor was morning. From the darkness and the unclear light, in the dark stain, between the lines there was slight sight of the letters.

Notes written held something bigger than just memories. On top of the letters, from the margins and the spaces where father decided to forget, the things that father decided to not remember was all left here. Even though the color has faded the times, fears, the despair, and the small faint of hope father has felt were all wired over me. Father's refracted spirit map was left on the notes.

As I closed the note tear dropped. I sat there for a long time looked around and the guys were still sleeping. I looked at one by one. It might be that we were supposed to come here. Everything about us started here. The meaning of being together and the meaning of laughing together, we all learned here. The first mistake I made, the mistake that I was never able to admit with my own mouth was left here as a scar.

I felt like none of this was a coincidence. In the end I had to end here. So that all the mistakes I made, all the pain due to that mistake, the meaning of the pain and in the end I was able to take a step forward finding the map of soul.

TAEHYUNG

11 August YEAR 22 (ANSWER S Ver)

As I turning my way around I found small letter under X mark. Phrase that someone scratched on the wall. It was a short phrase ‘It’s not your fault’. It was the kid. Even though I didn’t see or know her handwriting but I was able to tell. It was like a last farewell. That the reason I’m leaving is not your fault. All the things that happened to you are not because you are a bad person. So don’t blame yourself or feel bad, it was telling me to have courage.

I was already in front of my house when I came back to my sense. My sister’s scream came from behind the doors. I burst through the door. Familiar scenery was shown in front of me. I stopped my father. I grabbed his arm and looked at him in the eye. Father seemed surprised at first but in the end he swung his fist at me. I fell to the ground multiple times. The sound of sister’s cry was getting louder. My jaw was hurting. Mouth was filled with the taste of iron. But I didn’t give up. I held father by the waist. He screamed with angry voice. Punches were getting poured on my back and shoulder but as he did that I grabbed on to him harder.

It wasn’t that it wasn’t painful, it wasn’t that I wasn’t afraid. However if I let go of this hand the cycle will continue. I wanted to change. I wanted to change.

I don’t want to. I’m different from you, father. I’m going to protect my family.

HOSEOK

13 August YEAR 22 (ANSWER S ver)

In middle of the practice room Jimin and she were standing. The 5 seconds after getting in to the position felt like such a long time. As the music started to flow out of the speaker two of them stated their first move. It was the choreography that I was practicing with her just few days ago. I sat on the floor of the practice room and stared at them.

When I was told that I can’t dance for a while because of my ankle it was really hard for me. The fact that I couldn’t dance and I had to only look at someone else dance made me frustrated. However, as I helped Jimin practice, and as a result looking at Jimin mature I realized. That it wasn’t a big problem I can’t dance. That I can be happy by doing dance in someway

When Jimin was practicing I couldn’t let even a small mistakes pass.  Jimin would miss the timing or make smaller movement than expected. Whenever that happened I stopped the music and checked every movement. But as an audience watching on the floor of the practice room Jimin’s dance looked different. Instead of the small every movement I saw something bigger. The mistakes I saw during the practice approached to me differently. The small mistakes and amateurishness actually gave a unique vive. Jimin was definitely different from me but he had his own timing and his own style of expressing. Jimin was shining and dancing that moves people’s heart.

The song finished, Jimin’s dance ended. Jimin’s face look like it was shining brightly with excitement and happiness. Next to him she was standing. She will leave to abroad soon. We made an eye contact. As I held my thumbs up she smiled big. It was weird. She looks nothing like mom. I don’t even remember mom’s face that well why do I think I see a resemblance. For a moment somewhere in my heart ached. The ankle that wasn’t completely healed started to ache.

SEOKJIN

15 August YEAR 22 (HER L ver)

It was when I started to speed up after going through the blocked intersection, I made a sudden stop. The car behind me passed angrily honking, one seemed like he cursed at me but I couldn’t really hear due to noise in the city. I saw a flower shop on the right corner of the street. The shop wasn’t the reason I made a sudden stop. Actually felt like I found the shop after stopping.

Even till the owner who was organizing papers on the corner of the shop which was in progress of doing its interior came towards me, I didn’t have much expectation. I have already gone to several flower shops but even florist didn’t really know the existence of the flower. They would only show flowers with similar colors. However, I wasn’t looking for flower that looked similar. At least the flower, had to be real. The owner looked at me for a while after hearing the name of the flower. The owner told me that the shop isn’t officially open but will be able to deliver it and asked “Why do you need that flower?”

I thought as I turned the handle and entered the streets again. The reason why I need the flower, there was only one reason. I wanted to make the person happy, wanted to make the person smile, want to see liking the flower, and want to be a good person.

SEOKJIN

30 August YEAR 22 (TEAR Y ver.)

Will you be able to know the moment you fall in love? Will you be able to predict when that love will end? What is the reason humans aren’t given the talent to have predict that moments? And what is the reason I have been given the power to turn those moments back?

The car hit the break; the head light flashed, slammed, flung back, and dropped. In all this chaotic moment all I was doing was standing unprotected. I couldn’t hear nor could feel anything. It was summer but the wind felt cold. Something sounded like rolling down the street. And scent of flowers came. Then I came back to reality. The bouquet of Smeraldo dropped out of my hands. She was far away on middle of the street. Between her hair bloods smeared out. The dark red blood trickled down the street. I thought. If I can just return the time

SEOKJIN

30 August YEAR 22 (ANSWER S ver)

It seemed like she was shocked to see the diary she thought she had lost. Her favorite movie, the place she wants to go, favorite flower, her dreamed future came up every time I flipped through the pages. It was also something I had done for her. Sorry wasn’t coming out of my mouth. The red diary was between us like a street light on street.

I wanted to make her happy. Wanted to make her smile. I wanted to be a good person. I thought if I follow what is on diary it will work. But it wasn’t true. As I tried to be someone else I started to get afraid. If I would get caught about the real me. However as if I couldn’t put a period on sentence that has lost its subject, I, who has lost his true identity couldn’t move forward and remained in the same place.

Now I know. My lacking and failure is also part of me. No matter how cruel and painful it is that I have to be honest about myself to move forward. I got up and she didn’t stop me.

I came to the streets and took off my cap. As I combed my hair the time I spent to become someone else slipped through my fingers. While I turned my head I made an eye contact with myself who was reflected on the glass. Dry skin, pale lips, and slim shoulders. All seemed pathetic. It made me laugh. Me, reflected on the glass laughed with me