Transcriber: Mason
[Clap in sync]
KEITH [overlapping AUSTIN]: That was perfect!
AUSTIN [overlapping KEITH]: That was so good!
ALI [laughs]: Okay, I was
DRE [over ALI]: That was maybe the best clap ever
ALI: That was the first time really time.is ever skipped a number and it did it twice [small laugh]
AUSTIN: Oh my god
DRE: Ohhh
AUSTIN: But you got it, you did it.
ALI: It like went 19, 21, God, okay
AUSTIN: You did it and it-
KEITH: The thing about seconds is that they’re usually pretty consistent
AUSTIN [laughs]: The-- the-- that was like, nearly religious for me in that I haven’t heard 9 people clap at the same time [EVERYONE but AUSTIN laughs] before. Like, exactly the same time. Anyway, okay.
ALI: Going
AUSTIN: Alright, do you want to clap at, 55 seconds, no let’s just wait, let’s, just let’s get it after the minute. I know people will get all weird [ALI laughs] top of the minute. Let’s do it at 10 seconds.
ALI: We can do 55.
AUSTIN: No we can’t
[ALI and JANINE laugh, DRE a louder laugh after]
JANINE: Now we can’t
AUSTIN: Someone’s about to clap, nah, good no one did it, wow, I’m impressed
ALI [overlapping AUSTIN near the end]: We just can’t do 5:30
AUSTIN: Okay
[in sync clap]
AUSTIN: Pretty good
ALI: Cool
AUSTIN: Pretty good. Alright
KEITH: What is it about top of the minute that’s a problem?
ALI: Cause, too many things change
[AUSTIN sighs]
KEITH [a bit sarcastic]: Okay, yup
[JANINE and ALI laugh]
AUSTIN: Yeah, ah, yeah, I’ve stopped asking questions here.
[ALI giggling]
ALI: Going to clap at 30.
ART [overlapping ]: 25?
ALI: 25?
ART [overlapping]: 30?
AUSTIN: 30, let’s do 30.
DRE: Yeah
AUSTIN: I need some time to center my clap.
[ALI giggling, DRE laughing]
[ALI and AUSTIN sigh]
[2 second pause]
[out of sync clap]
AUSTIN: That was pretty good
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: As far as claps go, a pretty good clap.
AUSTIN: Time.is?
ALI: Ummm.
JACK: Okay.
ART: Yup.
[ALI sighs in a way that warbles]
SYLVIA?: [barely audible] Hey Ali, you’re doing your backup?
ALI: I am, I am doing that.
AUSTIN: Cool.
[ALI noise of confirmation]
AUSTIN: Let’s clap at, ah, 20 seconds?
ALI: Okay.
JACK: Okay
JANINE: Yeah.
JACK: It’s World Book Day.
[pause]
[clap, second softer clap]
JANINE: Not to be confused with World-Book Day.
AUSTIN: Wait, isn’t it World Book Day?
JANINE: A World-Book is a series of encyclopedias.
AUSTIN: Ahhh.
ALI: Uhhm.
JACK: [unintelligible under ALI and ART] day
ART: [overlapping ALI and JACK] That do not have their own day.
ALI: Was that good clap?
JANINE Yeah.
ART: What the hell?
AUSTIN: That was a bad clap.
ALI: [giggling] Okay, do you want to do it again at 45?
ART: [away from mic] what the fuck?
AUSTIN: Yeah, let’s do at 45
JACK: We clapped flawlessly, on the other side
AUSTIN: No.
[AUSTIN and ALI making noises of disagreement]
[clap]
ALI: No, what am I doing?
[Clap, clap]
JANINE: Wait what?
AUSTIN: Oh my god
ART: Ohh
JANINE: Wait, were we?
AUSTIN: Yeah, we were clapping at at 45
[background mumbled laughing]
JACK: These fucking amateurs
[EVERYONE laughing]
AUSTIN [laughing]: Alright
ALI: We’ve been fine on this side Jack.
Janine: There were a lot of people talking at once! I didn’t hear the number!
AUSTIN: Let’s do it at 5 seconds, let’s do it at 5 seconds. Get ready.
[muffled clap followed by decent clap]
AUSTIN: That was pretty good
ALI: Yeah
AUSTIN: That last one was good, use that last one.
ALI [sighs, relieved]: I-- I will-- I will do that.
AUSTIN: That’s my suggestion.
[JACK sighs, relieved]
AUSTIN: Alright, let’s shake it out everyone. We’re going to have fun today! It’s gunna be a good time.
JACK: Oh no
[ALI laughs]
AUSTIN: I love you all, everything’s gunna go great.
JACK: That’s an ominous thing to say to someone at the beginning.
ALI: Yeah, I don’t know.
AUSTIN: No, I-- I-- I think it’s high tension but it doesn’t ne-- it shouldn’t be-- it should be. This is not going to kill Samothes, it will- mmm...
[ALI laughs]
JACK: Jesus christ Austin.
AUSTIN: I don’t want
ART (as HADRIAN): Huh
JACK (as LEM): What’s that supposed to mean Hadrian?
ART (as HADRIAN): I-- ex-- excuse me?
[ALI giggling back from the mic]
JACK (as LEM): Didn’t you go ‘huh’ Hadrian? Or was that Samol?
AUSTIN: That was, that was Hadrian
ART: I mean, that was Art chuckling.
[AUSTIN laughs, ALI’s laugh joins]
AUSTIN: I do like Lem as being like a little fucking testy though.
ART (as HADRIAN): Ah that was-- that was just-- I thought that was a funny thing to say.
[JACK and ALI quietly laughing]
AUSTIN: Is that Hadrian? [laughing]
JACK (as LEM) [laughing]: Well alright Hadrian.
[ALI cackling]
AUSTIN: Each- I can hear the blender- Each has certain locations associated-
JACK: That wasn’t the blender, my mic was muted.
AUSTIN: Oh.
[audible hissing noise]
SYLVIA: That might be my pipes.
AUSTIN: That’s your pipes? Okay.
SYLVIA: Sorry.
AUSTIN: Uhm.
JACK: Pipes?
AUSTIN: So.
[This is the 4:00 minute point]
AUSTIN (as NARRATOR): And then, you’re even closer still outside the castle proper, but close enough to look up and look your god in the eye. To see his robes, blue and silver, to see his face, a few wrinkles, laugh lines. A sense of fulfillment, and it’s in recognizing that in him -
AUSTIN (as himself): I can’t believe this fucking truck is fucking me right now. Ali, I fucking can’t believe it. This fucking truck, I’m gunna start over for this whole section. [heavy breathe in] God damn it.
ART: Well this is-- this is a good time for me to talk about, talk about my-- my problem with the, The Star Wars comic books which I just started reading.
AUSTIN: How are they-- how are they going? Is this the new one?
ALI: [overlapping Austin a bit] Which one is this?
AUSTIN: Is it the one with the Han Solo ex-wife situation?
ART: Ah-- that-- I will eventually get to that, yes.
AUSTIN: Okay.
ART: But I-- I’ve also-
AUSTIN [over ART]: Spoilers.
ART: read Darth Vader the Comic, I’m only like an issue in so-
AUSTIN: Okay.
ART: whatever. But like, what really kinda got to me is the first issue starts with like a crawl,
[AUSTIN hum affirmative]
ART: like, you know like a Star Wars crawl.
[AUSTIN hum affirmative]
ART: But it’s from the perspective of the Empire? And it like sort of, breaks the crawl for me, I always thought the crawl was impartial.
[ALI noise of hesitation]
AUSTIN: No, the crawl’s not impartial.
KEITH: The crawl says stuff like “The Evil Empire”.
[AUSTIN laughing, affirmative noise]
ALI: Yeaaaah.
ART: The Empire is evil!
ALI: [sigh] ehhh, depends on which side you’re lookin’ at.
[AUSTIN laughs]
ART: Remember when Anakin killed all those kids?
ALI: ehhhh, that was-
AUSTIN [over Ali]: Right, that was before there was an Empire. The Empire didn’t exist yet
ALI: Yeah!
AUSTIN: So that’s not the Empire.
KEITH: Also-- also, Anakin, doesn’t, he’s not going like “I killed all those kids ‘cause I’m Evil”, he killed them so no one he knew would die.
[ALI laughs at ‘Evil”]
[AUSTIN and ALI laugh]
ART: And then a lot of people died.
ALI: He knew those kids, wait.
ART [inaudible]: And he also knew those kids.
ALI: He knew those kids, he lived in the same building as those kids.
KEITH: I didn’t say they were perfect movies, I just said that’s why he did it.
ALI [skeptical]: Okay
AUSTIN: Yeah, it literally says “The Evil Galactic Empire” in the first sentence.
[KEITH hums affirmative]
ART: Yeah, no.
AUSTIN: No, second sentence, second sentence.
ART: And then it goes on to be like “They created this machine to destroy planets”. I think you’re allowed to call someone evil when they build a Death Star.
[This is the 6:03 minute point]
AUSTIN: It’s a deterrent
ALI: Ahh. What if those planets don’t need to be there? What if they’re destroying evil planets?
AUSTIN: Right? See? [pause] Also it’s called the Death Star.
[KEITH and ALI laugh]
KEITH: I feel like, you guys are always talking about wrestling and I still feel like I know less about wrestling than I know about football and I don’t know anything about football
ALI: Ahh, the thing about wrestling is... everyone’s nice and good and friends with each other.
KEITH: I felt-- I thought that was the opposite, is, and that they fight
ALI: Uh, well, friends will fight bad people, don’t worry about the bad ones because who cares
JACK: If you get-
KEITH: But how do you know which ones are the bad ones?
JACK: You don’t!
ALI: You’ll know cause- cause you’ll know which ones are the-- The ones that are friends all talk constantly about how good friends they are. [laughs]
JACK: Yeah.
ALI [laughing]: And that’s how you’ll know
JACK: Wrestling’s what-
KEITH: So none of the bad ones are friends with each other?
JACK: No, they’re pals sometimes. Sometimes there’s bad people who are all friends together, but they-- they’re not true friends.
ALI: Right?
ART: Right. It’s a lot of morality plays really
KEITH [interrupting ART]: half of these-
JACK: Yeah
KEITH: Okay
ALI: I’m being so vague about this cause now there’s two groups of friends, and they’re all good. They’re all the best.
KEITH: But do they fight each other?
ALI: No.
ART: Not yet.
KEITH: Not yet.
ALI: [gaps] They did! No they did! I saw a picture of Big E like, throwing Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns was on the back looking startled and it fucking killed me.
[JACK laughing, ALI joins]
KEITH: What if, hold on, what if they had to do a shuffle and then some of the friends had to go to the other friends?
[ALI gasps]
KEITH: And then the reverse?
ALI [in awe]: What if they were just like a group of five friends? What if Roman-
KEITH: Oh so this-- so this a-- this is a twosome and a threesome?
ALI: Yeah, there the-- there was a threesome, one of them betrayed the other-
KEITH: Betrayed?
ALI: Yeah! By being [laughs] so Seth Rollins betrayed Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns by suddenly beating them with a chair, um, so hard that he broke one chair and then [voice breaking] pulled another out and kept beating them. [crying]
KEITH [laughing]: Why did he do that?
ALI [laughing]: [incoherent] Cause he was BAAAAD!
KEITH: I thought he was a nice boy!
ALI: He!
KEITH: You guys, I think Ali’s gunna cry.
[ALI laughs]
KEITH: Ali’s very legitimately upset about this thing that already had happened.
ART: It happened a long time and was fake
ALI [overlapping ART]: It happen a really long time ago and like- [breathless laugh]
[EVERYONE laughs]
ALI: That chair actually broke, that was not [laugh] fake.
KEITH: That was a breakable chair!
ALI: I-- I dont think.
KEITH: It was a chair made to break.
ALI: I don’t think they have weaker chairs.
KEITH: It’s wrestling.
ALI: No. But I saw like wrestling in real life and I thought that they had like easy to break like ladders and chairs and stuff.
AUSTIN: No, nope
ALI: But then I like heard what it sounds like when someone falls on a ladder.
[KEITH hums affirmative]
ALI: And those are real ladders.
KEITH: You know, I feel like a lot of that is-
AUSTIN: Here’s the thing like even stunt equipment is like rough. Like-
KEITH: Yeah, like sugar glass, yeah.
AUSTIN [overlapping KEITH]: Even like, taking like sugar glass like hurts. So.
AUSTIN: I hit someone with something once that hurt them, I don’t remember what is was.
[ALI huff-laughs, ART laughs, KEITH laughs]
JACK: A fish! Please be a fish! I really hope it was a fish.
AUSTIN: No, I don’t-- I don’t think it was a fish?
JACK: A frozen fish could mess you up though.
AUSTIN: Yeah! I played Power Stone. Okay! Let’s go.
ART: Sorry that was my new graphics card.
AUSTIN: Oh nice!
ALI [overlapping AUSTIN and KEITH]: Oh! Good!
KEITH [overlapping ALI and AUSTIN]: Nice!
AUSTIN [overlapping KEITH and ALI]: That’s good. That’s a good thing.
KEITH: Yeah. So I was like looking-
ART [overlapping KEITH]: Now I just need the connecting tissue.
AUSTIN: What? Don’t use-- No? Don’t use tissue.
KEITH [overlapping AUSTIN]: No, this is not a cyborg.
AUSTIN [overlapping KEITH]: This is not a thing you should use. No.
ART: No, they’re sending some human skin to…
AUSTIN: No. No bad.
[ALI hums discontentedly]
ART: Go from the motherboard to the-
AUSTIN: No.
ART: Graphics card.
AUSTIN: Not good. Not good. Bad. Eject.
[ART ahhs in the background]
ALI: Is you computer just a man and that’s why it doesn’t work?
[AUSTIN laughs]
ART: Yeah, that’s not your computer is? Like a little guy-
AUSTIN: No. I don’t.
ART: You plug a little HDMI into and then be like, play some games.
AUSTIN: No, don’t-
KEITH: Oh you mean Erik.
AUSTIN [laughing]: Oh right.
[ALI laughs]
ART: Oh, I have a Steve but yeah.
AUSTIN: Well, that’s your problem there. Never get a Steve. The Steves are cheaper but never get a Steve.
ART [far away and plane noises]: Take that listeners named Steve.
ALI: Well, do you have one of the newer Steves?
AUSTIN: Steve had a long-
ART: I think this is a new Steve, like, he can barely walk.
ALI: The newer Steves are better than like the old Erik, but like, there’s gunna be a new Erik soon, like-
AUSTIN: Yeah, just go for the new Erik.
[ALI laughs]
KEITH: Hold on one sec.
AUSTIN: I just think the-
ART [overlapping AUSTIN]: Erik’s really shitty about Updating though, so like-
AUSTIN: Yeah.
ART: If Erik wants my business, Erik can put out a new unit.
AUSTIN: This is an Erik with a K instead of a C?
ART: Yeah.
ALI: God.
AUSTIN: We’re hilarious.