English Foundation Glossary | ||||
English Word or Term | Meaning/Interpretation | Synonyms | Usage Example | Publication Page Ref. |
Glossary: an alphabetical list of words relating to a specific subject, Stylistic Choices Structure and organization:
For the sake of inclusivity:
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A | |||||
abandonment (n) | A state of being in which your physical and/or emotional needs for love, care, and support have not been met. Childhood abandonment can happen even if the parents do not physically leave the family. For example, children experience neglect, physical and emotional abuse as abandonment. This leaves them feeling rejected, unloved, and often painfully lonely, even as they grow to adulthood. | neglect, desertion, rejection | The abandonment in my childhood started even before my father left the family. Both of my parents were too busy with work to give their children the love and attention we needed. | BRB pp.11, 27-29, 370 ANH pp. 12, 28 | |
abandonment rupture (n) – see also S: soul rupture | The long-term damage or wound to the mind and spirit of a child who has suffered consistent abandonment from their caregivers. In adulthood, people with abandonment rupture may feel a general lack of security and self-worth that affects all areas of their lives. This includes intense fear of losing relationships. As a result of this damage, adult children also often stay in abusive or dysfunctional relationships or avoid relationships altogether. | abandonment wound, soul rupture, soul trauma | When I my wife and I decided to get divorced, I felt overwhelming pain, fear, and confusion, as if I were a small child left all alone. I now know this was my abandonment rupture. | BRB p. 124 YWB p. 24 | |
abuse (n) – see also E: emotional abuse, N: neglect | 1. Cruel or violent treatment of a person. In the context of childhood, this includes physical violence such as hitting, slapping, or battering a child, and sexual abuse. It can also be emotional or verbal, and these are often just as damaging as any kind of physical harm. Neglect is also a form of abuse. 2. Uncontrolled use of a substance such as alcohol or drugs. | 1. mistreatment, assault 2. misuse | 1. Regular abuse of any kind is very damaging to a child. 2. Alcohol abuse is sadly a problem in many families. | 1. BRB pp. 31, 28, 67-68 YWB pp. 5, 20 SMR pp. 58, 65 LLWB pp. 120, 167 LPG pp. 9, 31 ANH pp. 12, 38 2. BRB pp. 13, 24 SMR p. 135 ANH pp. 13, 39 | |
abuse (v) – see also V: victimize | 1. Treat with cruelty or violence, either physically, emotionally or through neglect, especially regularly or repeatedly. 2. Use something, for example prescription medication, in a way that is not intended. Use something in an uncontrolled manner. | 1. mistreat, assault, treat badly 2. misuse | 1. A caregiver can abuse a child by hitting them, withholding food, or by neglecting their emotional needs. 2. Some people abuse prescription medication because they like how it makes them feel numb. | 1. BRB pp. 21-22, 25 YWB pp. 5, 77 SMR p. 199, 302 LPG p. 136 2. BRB pp. 59, 96 YWB p. 4 | |
abuser (n) – see also S: substance abuser, V: victimizer | A person who treats another person or animal with cruelty or violence, especially repeatedly. | victimizer, perpetrator | My violent, alcoholic father was my abuser. | BRB p. 29 YWB pp. 10, 26, 123 SMR pp. 7 LPG p. 52, 196 | |
abusive (adj) | An adjective describing physical, verbal, or emotional attacks on a person. It can also be used to describe the person who regularly attacks others in this way. | cruel, brutal | An emotionally abusive parent may insult their child on a regular basis. Ridiculing the child’s feelings or denying that the abuse happened is also abusive behavior. | BRB pp.175 ANH pp. 14, 20, 40 | |
ACA (n) – see also A: ACA Fellowship | 1. An organized group of people who grew up in alcoholic/dysfunctional families and/or identify with the Laundry List traits. Members seek a healthier way of living by focusing on the family system, working the Twelve Steps, and reparenting the inner child. It is the short form of the official name of the organization Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families. 2. A member of the ACA program (plural - ACAs). Someone who identifies as the adult child of an alcoholic/dysfunctional family and/or with the Laundry List traits. | 1.association/fellowship/ support group for people who grew up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family or situation 2. member of ACA, adult child | 1. ACA is a 12 Step support group that teaches me to heal my childhood trauma through becoming my own loving parent. 2. I like to introduce myself in meetings as an “ACA in recovery”. | 1. BRB pp. xii, xiv, 3-4 YWB pp. 1, 3 SMR pp. 2, 5, 9 LLWB pp. viii, 3, 30 LPG pp. 3, 57, 172 ANH pp. 6, 8, 10 2. BRB pp. 14, 57 YWB pp. 5, 6, 11 SMR pp. 14, 52 LLWB pp. vii, 2 ANH p. 29 | |
ACA fellowship (n) – see also A: ACA, F: fellowship | An organized group of people who grew up in alcoholic/dysfunctional families and/or identify with the Laundry List traits. Members seek a healthier way of living by focusing on the family system, working the 12 Steps, and reparenting the inner child. | association/support group for people who grew up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family or situation | The ACA fellowship is the members of all ACA groups around the world. | BRB pp. xxxvi, 174, 382 | |
ACA relapse - see also R: relapse | A return to the patterns of dysfunctional thinking and behaving that were the adult child’s coping mechanisms before ACA recovery. | returning to old, dysfunctional patterns | After 2 years in recovery, I began emotionally eating again and regularly shaming myself for my feelings. I recognized this was the beginning of an ACA relapse. | BRB pp. 154, 347, 495 YWB pp. 72-73, 152 SMR pp. 188, 207 | |
actor (n)– see also R: reactor | A person who has the ability to consciously choose a healthy, emotionally sober response to a situation, instead of automatically reacting in dysfunction. The opposite of reactor. | conscious responder | An actor stops first to think about an emotionally sober way to respond to another person doing or saying something hurtful. | BRB pp. 48-49, 224 ANH pp. 68, 73 | |
acting-out (adj) | A kind of behavior, used to relieve pain or tension when a person is upset or unhappy. | dysfunctional, unhealthy, emotionally intoxicated | I have many adult-child, acting out behaviors that appear when I am stressed or emotional, including isolating from people, shaming myself, and binging on TV shows to numb my pain. | BRB p. 248 YWB p. 145 LPG p. 70 ANH p. 46 | |
act out (v, idiom) | 1. Behave in unhealthy ways in order to relieve tension, or because you are unhappy or upset. These actions can be unconscious and a person may not be aware of them, especially if they are not in recovery. 2. Demonstrate or play out unexpressed emotions and memories from childhood in your behavior. This often involves exhibiting Laundry Lists traits. | 1. rely on unhealthy, dysfunctional behaviors, 2. play out
| 1. Adult children can act out against themselves, for example by isolating or shaming themselves. They can also act out against other people, for example shouting at or shaming others in anger. 2. By bullying others at work, I used to act out the deep-seated fear of authority figures from my childhood – I was playing the role of my abusive father. | 1. BRB pp. 134, 154, 288 YWB pp. 72-73, 145, 166 ANH pp. 70, 71 2. LLWB pp. vii, 16, 32, 52 LPG pp. 12, 42, 48, 89 | |
action (n) | The process of doing something to achieve a goal. | effort, steps, measures | Making an outreach call, doing step work, and attending a meeting are positive actions we can take towards recovery. | BRB pp. 47, 49, 63 YWB pp. 3, 9, 12 ANH pp. 12, 22, 40 | |
activity (n) | A thing (positive or negative) that a person or group does. | action, pursuit, occupation, project, endeavor, undertaking | Going to an ACA meeting is an example of a recovery activity. Cooking, swimming, and reading are examples of everyday activities. | BRB pp. 153, 495 YWB pp. 41, 57, 72 | |
addicted to excitement (adj) – see also A: addiction to excitement, I: inner drugs | Habitually and instinctively using the emotions of fear and excitement to feel alive, connected to reality, and/or distracted from pain. For adult children, the unsafe nature of the dysfunctional home meant we were getting regular doses of the fight-or-flight hormone, adrenaline. This became what we believed was our natural state. As adults we then habitually seek, often unconsciously, further adrenaline surges. We do this by creating drama and chaos in our lives or engaging in dangerous behavior. Excitement and fear can also feel comforting, simply because they are very familiar to us from our dysfunctional family. | drama-seeking, adrenaline-chasing | For some adult children, addiction to excitement means needing to be involved in extreme sports or other dangerous activities. For others it can mean being attracted to general drama and chaos in daily life. | BRB pp 16, 56, 136, 458 YWB p. 48 ANH p. 68 | |
addiction (n) – see also S: secondary addictions | A state of being where a person compulsively seeks relief from their pain and stress through alcohol, drugs, food, gambling and/or other substances or behaviors. Addictions are difficult to stop, even when they cause negative consequences in a person’s life, because the person has become physically and/or psychologically dependent on the substance or behavior. | dependence | With the support of the ACA program, I am learning to sit with my painful feelings and ask for support, instead of immediately using my TV and internet-scrolling addictions to numb out. | BRB pp. 4, 31 YWB pp. 1, 8, 47 ANH pp. 12, 66 | |
addiction to excitement (n) – see also A: addicted to excitement, I: inner drugs | The state of habitually and instinctively using excitement and fear to feel alive, connected to reality, and/or distracted from pain. This regular return to a heightened emotional state, and the subsequent surges of adrenaline in the body, started in childhood as a natural response to the unsafe environment of the dysfunctional home. As adults, we unconsciously seek to repeat this familiar cycle. | adrenaline addiction | My addiction to excitement really played out in my marriage. To avoid feeling bored or numb, I regularly started fights with my wife, and even cheated on her with other women. | BRB p. 16 YWB p. 164 SMR pp. 200, 295 LLWB p. 166 LPG pp. 65, 184 | |
addictiveness (n, uncommon) | An inclination or instinct where the adult child compulsively seeks relief from their pain through alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work, and/or other substances and compulsive behaviors. | addictive personality | Because of my adult child addictiveness, when I quit smoking last year, I quickly replaced it with eating a lot of sugary things and shopping for things I don’t need. | BRB pp. 60, 65 | |
address (v) | Think about or explore a particular theme or topic. | deal with, confront | The Big Red Book addresses many different aspects of recovery for adult children. | BRB p. 22 YWB pp. 1, 10, 25 SMR pp. 86, 321 LLWB pp. 56, 112, 166 LPG pp. 18, 26, 63 ANH pp. 6, 18, 32 | |
adult child/Adult Child (n) - see also A: adult child of an alcoholic/dysfunctional family | An adult who grew up in alcoholic/dysfunctional home and exhibits identifiable traits that reveal past abuse and neglect (the Laundry List traits). Adult child is the shortened name for ‘adult child of an alcoholic/dysfunctional family’. The standard way to write this phrase is adult child, without capital letters. This is how it appears in most ACA literature. However, ACA founder Tony A. used the capitalized version in his writings. | someone raised in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family who still exhibits the characteristics of family dysfunction | Now that I am in recovery, I can often recognize another adult child, for example at work, when I see them acting out various Laundry List traits. | BRB pp. vii, xii, 3, 94 ANH p. 12 | |
Adult Children of Alcoholics (n) – see also A: ACA, ACA fellowship | A support group of people who share the experience of growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family and/or identifying with the Laundry List traits. Members have the common goal of seeking a healthier way of living by focusing on the family system and reparenting the inner child. At the time of writing this in 2024, ACA is considering changing their name officially to Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families, in order to be more inclusive. | support group for people who grew up in a dysfunctional family/situation | The 12 Step group Adult Children of Alcoholics welcomes any person who identifies with the Laundry List traits and seeks a better way of living. | BRB pp. xii, 8, 53 YWB pp. 1, 21, SMR p. 145 LLWB p. iv LPG p. 233 ANH pp. 3, 78 | |
adult child of an alcoholic | An adult who grew up in an alcoholic home and exhibits identifiable traits that reveal past abuse and neglect (the Laundry List traits). | someone raised in an alcoholic family who still exhibits the characteristics of family dysfunction | Both my parents were alcoholics, and after recognizing my own behavior in the Laundry List traits, I began identifying myself as an adult child of an alcoholic. | BRB pp. 466, 557 LLWB p. 160 ANH p. 70 | |
adulthood | The state or condition of being physically fully grown and intellectually mature. The period of life when you are an adult, commonly understood to begin around the age of 21. | period of life in which you are an adult | I carried the fear and shame from my abusive childhood with me into adulthood, when I passed it on to my own children. | BRB pp. xxviii, 22, 38 YWB pp. 6, 67, 97 SMR pp. 108, 220 LLWB pp. 15, 36 LPG pp. 34, 39, 139 ANH pp. 12, 34 | |
affirmation (n) | 1. Emotional support and encouragement, recognition of your inherent worth 2. Positive sentence, statement we say to ourselves that provides emotional support and encouragement. | 1.validation 2. positive statement | 1. Children need love and regular affirmation from their parents that they are worthy just as they are. 2. Affirmations are used to replace the negative messages we received from our dysfunctional families. “It is ok to make mistakes and learn.” is an example of one of the common affirmations in ACA. | 1. BRB pp. 187 YWB pp. 6, 47 SMR p. 346 2. BRB pp. 302, 328-30 YWB p. 42 SMR pp. 164, 228, 273 LLWB p. 47 ANH p. 26 | |
afraid of people and authority figures (adj) – see also A: authority figures | A typical trait of the adult child is to fear interactions and relationships with other people, especially authority figures, because our dysfunctional family taught us that people are not safe or trustworthy. | social unease/ apprehension - generally, and with people who you perceive to have some power over you | Because many adult children are afraid of people and authority figures, we may try to stay safe by isolating, avoiding close relationships and interacting with our bosses or other authority figures. | BRB pp. 10-11 YWB p. 152 SMR p. 13 LLWB p. 162 ANH p. 68 | |
amends (n) - see also L: living amends | An apology and a commitment to correct the past harmful behavior. | apology and associated change in behavior | When a fellow traveler pointed out that I was consistently late to our ACA meeting, I made amends to the group by apologizing and saying I would take steps to arrive on time in the future. | BRB pp. 114, 241 YWB pp. 15-16, 125, 137 SMR pp. 122, 224, 256 LLWB p. 99 ANH p. 32 | |
anger | An intense emotion of displeasure as a response to perceived provocation, threat, hurt, or injustice. Anger is a normal, natural, human emotion and has value and purpose when expressed appropriately. | indignation | I wasn’t allowed to be angry as a child. Only my parents were allowed to be angry and used anger to frighten us children. In recovery I am learning to have healthy, controlled anger as a normal response to hurtful or unjust actions. | BRB pp. 11, 24, 29 YWB pp. 26, 71, 77 SMR pp. 92, 143, 230 ANH pp. 38, 50 | |
Annual Business Conference/ABC (n) | A yearly ACA WSO meeting of delegates from the different groups, intergroups, and regions. During the meeting, the delegates vote on large matters of finance and policy, hear reports, and ratify WSO board trustees. | formal gathering to address the business of ACA | At the ABC 2022, a motion was approved to study changing the name of ACA to Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. | BRB pp. viii, 63, 81 YWB p. viii SMR p. vi LPG p. iv | |
approval (n) | 1. The belief that someone or something is good 2. Official decision to accept a proposal | 1. acceptance, validation 2. acceptance, go-ahead (informal) | 1. Adult children often seek constant approval from others, because they did not get it as children from their parents. 2. I got the boss’s approval to take a week of vacation. | 1. BRB pp. 1, 37-38, 72 YWB pp. 71, 153, 158 ANH pp. 44, 60 2. BRB p. 619 SMR p. vi | |
ashamed (adj) | Feeling deep humiliation about something you have done or who you are. | deeply humiliated, mortified | I felt so ashamed when I made a mistake at work that I felt physically sick and I wanted to disappear. | BRB pp. 162, 441 YWB pp. 7, 74, 77 SMR pp. 57, 183, 267 LPG pp. 24, 108, 191 | |
attachment (n) | A strong connection to someone or something. | connection | ACA teaches us how to have healthy attachments to the people in our lives. | BRB pp. 51, 89, 127 ANH p. 8 | |
authority figure (n) | A person who has a degree of power over others, to give orders or make decisions. | a person who has a degree of power over others | Employers, police officers, religious leaders, and older family members are typical examples of authority figures that frighten me. My parents were the original authority figures in my life. | BRB pp. 11, 154 YWB pp. 73, 80, 122 SMR pp. 13, 42, 78 LLWB pp. 2-8, 161 LPG pp. 48, 50, 82-83, 144 ANH pp. 10, 34 | |
awareness (n) | Conscious understanding of a situation. The opposite of denial. | understanding, realization | By attending ACA meetings and reading the literature, I gained an awareness of my dysfunctional childhood. | BRB pp. 66, 82, 96 YWB p. 4 ANH pp. 16, 56 | |
B | |||||
be burned up inside (v, idiom) | Feel very angry or jealous. | be overcome with anger or jealousy | I was burned up inside when my friend got the job I wanted. | BRB p. 217 YWB p. 124 | |
be in denial (v) – see also D: denial | Be unaware, unconscious of a situation that is often obvious to others around you. Being in denial is often a defense mechanism against an uncomfortable or painful truth. | be unaware, refuse to accept | It is common for an alcoholic to be in denial about their alcohol addiction. They believe they are fine and do not have a serious problem. | BRB pp. 92, 175, 454 YWB pp. 1, 15, 92 | |
bear the brunt (v, idiom) | Receive the main force of something damaging or destructive. | receive the full impact, to be on the front line (idiom) | As the youngest child and the only one still living at home when my mother’s drinking got worse, I used to bear the brunt of her abuse. | BRB p. 245 YWB p. 143 LLWB p. 53 | |
become your own loving parent (v) see also L: loving parent, R: reparenting | Taking the responsibility for meeting your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, instead of expecting other people to do it. It is a process of learning, one day at a time, to speak to yourself with gentleness, humor, love, and respect, and be the loving parent you did not have in childhood. | reparent | I am learning to become my own loving parent by validating all the feelings I have and comforting myself with kind words when I am sad or hurt. | BRB pp. 298-299, 337 SMR p. 194 LPG p. 1-2, 8, 88 ANH p. 18 | |
bias (n) | A belief that a particular idea, person, or thing is the best option. | inclination | I have a bias in favor of dogs. My husband, however, thinks cats are the best pets. | BRB p. xvii SMR p. 93, 245 | |
black sheep (n, idiom) | The member of the family who is different to other family members, who does not fit in with the family. | odd one out (idiom) | In a family of doctors, I was considered the black sheep for choosing to study music. | BRB p. 134 YWB pp. 37, 47 | |
blameless inventory (n) | The work done in ACA Step Four. This involves writing lists of your parents’ traits and behavior during your childhood, as well as your own adult traits and behaviors. Each of these lists is made without blame, because of the generational nature of dysfunction and trauma, but with thorough honesty and accountability for all. | detached assessment | My Step 4 blameless inventory included a list of the abuse and neglect from my childhood, but also an account of my adult child behavior and traits. | BRB pp. xvi, 157 YWB p. 74 SMR p. 70 LPG p. 220 | |
bleeding deacon (n, idiom) | A term, originally from Alcoholics Anonymous, which means an ACA servant who consistently exhibits controlling behavior in the group. They believe that their way is the only right way in all matters concerning ACA. The opposite of this type is an elder statesman (see E: elder statesmen). | a self-appointed ACA authority figure | The bleeding deacon in our group was unwilling to accept other people’s opinions in the business meetings. | BRB p. 501 | |
blindsided (adj) | Be surprised by something unpleasant and unexpected. | shocked by something you didn’t expect, caught off guard (idiom) | I was blindsided by the news that the company where I work is bankrupt. | SMR p. 17 LPG p. 48 | |
blind spot (n) | An aspect of someone's thinking or behavior that they seem unable to see, acknowledge, or understand. | denial, block | I had a blind spot that I regularly talked too much and interrupted people. I was very surprised when someone told me. | LPG p. 11 | |
bludgeon myself (v, idiom) | Verbally shame or berate myself. | shame myself, beat myself up (idiomatic use) | Before ACA recovery, I used to bludgeon myself whenever I made a mistake. | BRB p. 152 YWB p. 71 | |
boggles the mind (v, idiom) | Be very difficult to understand or imagine | baffles, is difficult to understand | My brother is really good with numbers, but complicated mathematics just boggles my mind. I’m better at languages. | BRB p. 24 | |
brow-beaten (adj, idiom) | Someone who has been forced with violence or threats into doing something, forced into submission. | intimidated, bullied, coerced | The brow-beaten employee works extra hours without complaining, because their boss regularly threatens them with losing their job. | BRB p. 269 YWB p. 166 LLWB | |
C | |||||
caregiver(s) (n) | The person or people who raise and care for a child. | caretaker, guardian | My grandparents were my main caregivers, because my parents were alcoholics and unable to take care of me and my siblings properly. | BRB pp. 36, 60 YWB pp. 11-12 ANH pp. 8, 10, 15 | |
challenge zone (n) | A mindset in which we feel safe enough to challenge our limiting beliefs, try new things, and take healthy risks. The challenge zone is where much of the growth of ACA recovery takes place. | mindset of embracing change and taking healthy risks | I felt really uncomfortable saying affirmations to myself in the mirror, but I was in the challenge zone and did it anyway, because I trust that the ACA program will help me. | LPG p. 4, 40 | |
character defect (n) – see also D: defects of character | An aspect of our character or a habitual behavior that is problematic and/or harmful to ourselves or other people. | shortcoming, trait out of balance | A common adult child character defect is being judgmental of themselves and others. | BRB pp. 48 | |
chemically addicted (adj) | Physically dependent on a substance. The difference between this term and addiction is that a person who is chemically addicted may not be using the substance compulsively, for example a cancer patient who only takes pain medication to relieve physical pain. Nevertheless, over time their body becomes addicted to the substance. | physically dependent on a substance | Many adult children grew up in homes where one or more parent was an alcoholic or chemically addicted. | BRB p. 23 | |
child within (n) – see also I: inner child | A person’s younger self, often hidden in the subconscious mind. It is the playful, creative, and spontaneous part of our personalities. For adult children, however, the child within also carries the unhealed fear, grief, and anger from growing up in a dysfunctional family. | inner child | When I came into ACA, my child within was in hiding from all the past trauma. However, as I progressed in recovery, I began to connect with this younger part of me. | BRB pp. xxviii, 150, 296 YWB p. 70 ANH pp. 20, 22, 24 | |
childhood neglect (n) - see also N: neglect for further references in the literature | A form of child abuse, where the caregivers consistently fail to meet the physical and/or emotional needs of a child. These needs include food, shelter, clothing, medical care, adequate supervision, education, socialization, nurturing, and affection. Childhood neglect can have lasting negative cognitive, emotional, and physical effects on the child. | childhood abandonment | Physical neglect can be easier to identify, for example if a parent does not give their child enough food to eat or appropriate clothes to wear. Emotional neglect, for example the lack of enough praise, support, or love, is often harder to see. | BRB p. 31 | |
childhood trauma (n) – see also T: trauma for further references in the literature | An event or events that a child experiences as frightening, painful, and/or violent. The phrase childhood trauma can also refer to the negative effects these experiences can have on a child. Examples of childhood trauma include: emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, childhood neglect, and bullying. Witnessing violence against others can also cause childhood trauma, as can war, racism, poverty, and systemic oppression. Trauma experienced in childhood is especially damaging, because it can seriously affect a child’s normal mental, emotional and physical development. Without appropriate treatment, the effects of trauma persist into adulthood, and in fact worsen over time. | adverse childhood experiences which have lasting damaging effects on a child’s development and mental and physical health | Many adult children struggle to believe that they experienced childhood trauma, but it can also be caused by neglect and verbal abuse, which do not necessarily leave physical marks. | BRB pp. xxvii, 17, 451 YWB p. 26 ANH pp. 10, 28, 38 | |
claim (n) | 1. Rightful ownership of something. 2. Something that is said, suggested to be true. | 1. entitlement, right 2. statement, belief | 1. When I introduce myself in an ACA meeting with the words “I belong here.”, I am saying I have a claim to a place in the fellowship. 2. I no longer believe my inner critic’s claims that I am unworthy and stupid. | 1. BRB p. xx YWB p. 3, 75 SMR 2. BRB pp. 97, 106, 137 YWB p. 118 SMR LPG p. 57 | |
claim (v) | 1. Say something belongs to you. 2. Say something is true, especially when you have no proof or others may not believe you. 3. Make a false show of something you know is not true. | 1. take ownership of 2. declare, profess 3. pretend | 1. I claimed the biggest piece of cake at my birthday party. 2. My alcoholic father often claimed he didn’t have a problem – and he really believed that. 3. As an adult child, I sometimes claim I am ok with something, when the truth is I don’t want to do it. | 1. BRB pp. 94, 154 YWB pp. 82, 102 SMR pp. 73, 93 LLWB p. 15 2. BRB p. 71 YWB p. 4, 10 SMR p. 286 LLWB p. 133 3. BRB p. 433 SMR | |
clarity (n) | The quality of being easy to understand, see, or hear. | clearness, transparency | Reading The Laundry List gave me clarity on the specific things in my life I was struggling with, and therefore what I could improve. | BRB pp. 89, 96, 108 YWB pp. 1, 12, 23 SMR pp. 69, 209, 215, 263 LLWB pp. 87, 165 LPG pp. 2, 50, 10 ANH p. 40 | |
clear/clean the wreckage of the past (v, idiom) | This phrase is associated with Step Nine. It means to identify and accept the harm we have caused ourselves and others, and then to make amends for it by apologizing and changing our behavior. | to repair the damage of the past | To clear the wreckage of the past, I first apologized to each of my family, friends, and coworkers for my past hurtful behavior. The second part of this is consistently working my ACA program so I can change that harmful behavior. | BRB pp. 235, 243-244 | |
codependence (n, uncommon) – see also C: codependency | Codependence is a type of addiction when a person prioritizes the needs and wants of others over their own. It involves looking outside of yourself for love, attention, and affirmation, often from people who cannot give it to you. Codependence is an uncommon variation of the standard word, codependency. | para-alcoholism, making another person your higher power | I recognized the codependence in my life when I saw I was always hiding my true feelings and opinions from my friend, just so she would feel more comfortable and not leave the relationship. | BRB pp. 6-7, 20, 40-41 YWB pp. 6, 52 ANH p. 10 | |
codependent (adj, n) | A person who prioritizes the needs and wants of others instead of their own, making that person their higher power. The word codependent is used both as an adjective and a noun in the ACA literature. | para-alcoholic | A codependent spouse is completely focused on what their husband/wife feels and does, instead of their own feelings and needs. My mother was the codependent in her relationship with my alcoholic father. | BRB pp. 6-7, 14, 457 ANH pp. 20, 48 | |
codependency (n) - see also C: codependence | The type of addiction when a person prioritizes the needs and wants of others over their own. It involves looking outside of yourself for love, attention, and affirmation, often from people who cannot give it to you. | para-alcoholism | Before recovery, I lived in a state of codependency, in romantic relationships with alcoholics or addicts of some type. I focused my life completely on trying to save them, and ignored my own needs and feelings. | BRB p. 357 YWB p. 50 LPG pp. iv, 108 ANH p. 32 | |
common behaviors (n) – see also D: defense traits, L: Laundry List, S: survival traits | Another name for The Laundry List traits. The 14 characteristics that are the identifying traits for an adult child. | The Laundry List traits, survival traits, defense traits | The common behaviors I identify with most are 3.” We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism” and 11. “We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.” | BRB pp. 111, 154 YWB pp. 13-14 | |
comfort zone (n) | The mindset where we seek comfort in the familiar, instead of being willing to challenge limiting beliefs and try new things. Staying only in the comfort zone inhibits growth in recovery. | old, familiar mindset, old, comfortable way of doing things | Before recovery, my comfort zone was isolation and people-pleasing. In ACA, I am challenging myself to interact with others while being my authentic self. | LPG pp. 4, 182, 228 | |
compost (v) | Collect organic waste materials like plant matter, paper, and manure in a container or pile, and allow them to decompose. The end result is a nutrient-rich soil amendment for the garden. | create a soil amendment from organic waste materials | I decided to compost my inner teen’s angry letters, as a way of turning that anger into something positive that helps plants grow. | LPG pp. 198, 202 | |
composting (n) | The act of collecting organic waste materials like plant matter, paper, and manure in a container or pile, and allowing it to decompose. The end result is a nutrient-rich soil amendment for the garden. | creating soil amendment from certain biodegradable waste materials | Since we started doing composting, we throw away less in the regular trash. Fruit and vegetable peels, leaves, grass cuttings, and paper now go in our compost bin. | LPG p. 182 | |
compulsivity (n) – see also S: sexual compulsivity | A state where a person habitually engages in repeated behavior(s) in order to reduce their feelings of emotional pain, stress, or anxiety. | obsessiveness, addiction | Many adult children have struggled with sexual compulsivity, but have felt unable to stop, even if it is harming them and their marriage or relationship. | BRB p. 247 YWB p. 145 SMR p. 102 | |
coping (adj) | Helping to manage or survive a difficult situation. | survival | Unhealthy coping mechanisms are isolating, lashing out at others, and using drugs or alcohol. Healthy coping skills include talking about your feelings with a trusted fellow traveler or journaling about them. | SMR pp. 142, 161, 184 LPG pp. 12, 110 | |
counseling (n) | Conversations with a qualified mental health specialist.
| therapy * *Counseling and therapy are technically different terms. Counseling tends to focus on specific emotions or problems, rather than complex mental health issues, and happens over a shorter time period. However, the terms are sometimes used interchangeably in the ACA literature. | Many adult children find individual counseling an additional recovery resource, in addition to going to ACA meetings and working the Steps. | BRB pp. 39, 151, 181 YWB pp. 25, 114, 166 SMR p. 375 | |
counselor (n) | A qualified mental health professional. | therapist * *Counselor and therapist are technically different terms. A counselor tends to focus on specific emotions or problems, rather than complex mental health issues, and works with you over shorter time period. However, the terms are sometimes used interchangeably in the ACA literature. | It is important to find a counselor who is knowledgeable about ACA and the issues of the adult child. | BRB pp. 150, 227 YWB pp. 20, 25 SMR pp. 149, 288, 375 LLWB p. 166 LPG pp. 1, 160 ANH p. 44 | |
cowed (adj) | Frightened by the threats or violence from another person. | overpowered, intimidated | As a child, I was cowed into silence by the shouting and violent acts of my alcoholic father. | BRB p. 269 YWB p. 166 | |
crave (v) | Feel a powerful desire for something. | desire, want | Pregnant women are often said to crave strange foods combinations like pickles with ice cream. | BRB p. 382 SMR pp. 183, 211, 209 LLWB p. 79 | |
craving (n) | A strong, often uncontrollable desire for something. | desire, urge | I often have a craving for sugar and junk food when I am sad, because they temporarily numb my pain. | BRB p. 224 YWB p. 129 SMR p. 209 | |
critical inner parent (n) – see also C: critical parent, critical survival parent, I: inner critical parent | The internalized voice of our dysfunctional caregivers. It is the part of our thinking some people call “the critical voice in my head”. It uses perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, control, and judgment to harshly criticize us and others. The original job of this inner family member was to help keep us safe in the dysfunctional family home. However, in adulthood it has a negative, destructive effect instead. The critical inner parent is sometimes also referred to as the critical survival parent, inner critical parent, or simply critical parent. | internal critic, critical parent, critical survival parent, inner critical parent | The critical inner parent often tells me I am not good or smart enough to do my job. At the same time, it has me judging my co-workers very harshly for any mistakes. | BRB pp. 48-49, 35, 115 | |
critical parent (n) - see also C: critical inner parent, critical survival parent, I: inner critical parent | The internalized voice of our dysfunctional parents. It is the part of our thinking we sometimes call “the critical voice in my head”. It uses perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, control, and judgment to harshly criticize us and others. The original job of this inner family member was to help keep us safe in the dysfunctional family home. However, in adulthood it has a negative, destructive effect instead. | internal critic, critical inner parent critical survival parent | The critical parent is a very loud voice in my head, shaming me for many of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. | BRB pp. 11, 140 YWB pp. 58, 117 ANH p. 22 | |
critical survival parent (n) - see also C: critical inner parent, critical parent | The internalized voice of our dysfunctional caregivers. It is the part of our thinking some people call “the critical voice in my head”. It uses perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, control, and judgment to harshly criticize us and others. The original job of this inner family member was to help keep us safe in the dysfunctional family home. However, in adulthood it has a negative, destructive effect instead. Also known as the critical inner parent or critical parent, the literature sometimes adds the word survival, because listening to this voice helped us survive in childhood. | internal critic, critical inner parent, critical parent | My critical survival parent kept me safe as a child from some of the abuse. When they criticized me for having certain thoughts and feelings, this stopped me from saying those things to my parents, and suffering their painful ridicule and judgement. | LLWB pp. 121, 143 | |
cross talk (n) | An ACA term meaning any type of interaction with another person’s share in a meeting. | interaction with another person’s share in a meeting | Giving another ACA member advice about what they shared in a meeting is obvious cross talk, while saying “I relate to your share” is much more subtle cross talk. | BRB pp. 341-342, 573-575 SMR pp. 77, 352 LLWB p. 157 LPG p. 234 ANH p. 60 | |
cross talk (v) - to cross talk | An ACA term meaning to interrupt, comment on, and/or refer to the content of what another person says, during or after their share in a meeting. | to interact with another person’s share in a meeting | I must be careful not to cross talk in a meeting when I relate to another person’s share. I can only talk about my own experiences and feelings. | BRB p. 572, 575 SMR p. 77 LLWB p. 157 LPG p. 234 ANH pp. 57, 65 | |
crossed the line (v, idiom) | Did something unacceptable. | went too far (idiom) | I crossed the line with my wife when, in my anger, I called her a hurtful name. | BRB p. 232 YWB p. 134 | |
D | |||||
debtor’s addiction (n) | The sickness of being addicted to spending money, specifically money from unsecured loans, for example, credit cards. | credit card use addiction | Debtor’s addiction can become a problem for adult children who try to numb their pain through compulsive shopping. | BRB p. 31 | |
defects of character (n) | An aspect of our character or a habitual behavior that is problematic and/or harmful to ourselves or other people. | shortcoming, trait out of balance, character defect | Being judgmental and blaming of themselves and others is a character defect many adult children identify with. | BRB pp. 48 SMR pp. 181, 335 ANH p. 76 | |
defense traits (n) - see also L: Laundry List, S: survival traits | Another name for the survival traits, or Laundry List traits, which the adult child developed in childhood as a way to defend themselves against the abuse and dysfunction in the family. | survival traits, Laundry List traits | The defense traits of being afraid of people and being an approval seeker helped protect me as a child. However, as an adult these traits have hurt me and kept my life small. | BRB pp. 71, 156 YWB p. 73 | |
denial (n) – see also B: be in denial, blind spot | The refusal to accept an uncomfortable truth. In ACA, it often refers to the adult child refusing to admit we suffered abuse and neglect growing up in a dysfunctional home. Adult child denial can also be minimizing the damage the abuse caused, making excuses for the abuser, and failure to see the full effects of the abuse in our adult lives. | refusal to acknowledge an uncomfortable truth, blind spot | I knew my family was dysfunctional when I came to ACA, but I was in denial about exactly how much abuse there was, and how badly it had affected me. On the other hand, my siblings are still in complete denial, and don’t believe we had an abusive family. | BRB pp. 22, 32, 53, 69 YWB pp. 1, 4, 10, 26 LLWB pp. 13, 33, 66, 99 LPG pp. 16, 28, 220 ANH p. 56 | |
detachment (n) | The act of mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically separating yourself from the behavior of another person or people. This is done to prioritize your own needs and feelings over what other people want. In ACA, detachment often refers to the decision to no longer participate in the family dysfunction. | disengagement | Through recovery I am learning to practice detachment when I encounter someone engaging in dysfunctional behavior. Instead of reacting in anger and trying to control the situation, I just remove myself from it. | SMR p. 137 | |
devastating (adj) | Having a destructive, damaging power; causing feelings of shock, distress, and grief. | destructive, catastrophic | Studies show that emotional abuse has just as devastating an effect on a child as physical abuse. | BRB pp. 136, 622 YWB p. 48 LPG p. 204 ANH p. 20 | |
discovery and recovery (n) | Two different levels of healing. Discovery is intellectual and usually comes first. It means coming out of denial and understanding that what happened in our families of origin was abuse. It is the knowledge that alcoholism and/or dysfunction affected us as children and continues to affect us as adults. Recovery is the deeper healing that comes afterwards, the healthy changes in our thinking and behavior patterns. | understanding and healing | I achieved discovery by reading ACA literature and talking to other adult children about our experiences. Recovery came more slowly, as I worked the Steps and the program one day at a time, and through these actions started living in The Promises. | BRB pp. 52, 367 SMR p. 337 | |
disease (n) | A disorder or abnormal condition of the body, mind, and/or spirit. A disease has a specific cause and a distinct set of symptoms, signs, and changes to the person affected. | sickness, malady | Medical research has shown that alcoholism and addiction are chronic diseases of the mind, just as diabetes is a chronic disease of the pancreas. | BRB pp. xxvi, 614, 621 YWB pp. 5, 9-10, 60 SMR pp. 88, 113, 117, 235 ANH pp. 68, 75 | |
disease of family dysfunction (n) - see also D: disease, dysfunction | A progressive disease of the body, mind, and spirit, which affects all members of a family. Without treatment, it is handed down from one generation to the next. Alcoholism and addiction are types of dysfunction that may or may not be present in an affected family. This disease can also present itself in numerous other ways. For example, abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual) clearly signals the presence of the disease of family disfunction. Shame, abandonment, and control are the main tools used in a dysfunctional family in order to maintain denial and control. | unhealthy, sick behavior and ways of thinking that affect all family members, and are passed on from one generation to the next | The disease of family dysfunction gets this name because it affects all members of a family, and without treatment it is passed down from generation to generation. | BRB pp. xxvi, 18, 22, 27, 56 YWB pp. 4, 10, 75, 96 SMR pp. 103, 128, 132 | |
dissociation (n) | A mostly unconscious shift to a state where a person becomes disconnected from their thoughts and feelings. It is a reaction to pain, fear, or other uncomfortable emotions. Dissociation may also include physical disconnection, often described as a sensation of leaving the body and watching yourself from above. A separation from sense of self, and/or personal history may also occur. Dissociation is a survival tool, a mechanism of the brain, that protected us in childhood from the full force of traumatic experiences. We can also experience dissociation through addictive and compulsive behaviors, or projecting our negative feelings onto something or someone else. | disconnection | When I am triggered by something that reminds me of my childhood trauma, I often experience dissociation. I am still physically present in the room, but I feel disconnected from my thoughts and my body and I cannot think or speak normally. | BRB pp. 87-88, 202-203, 269, 344, 647 YWB pp. 114, 149, 166 SMR pp. 142, 163, 223 LPG p. 13 ANH p. 22 | |
distorted image, distorted self-image (n) | A distorted image is a view of ourselves that is not an accurate reflection of reality. It is instead a negative, false self-image which reflects our dysfunctional family’s sick feelings of shame, hostility, and hate. This negativity was projected onto us as children and subsequently manipulated how we see ourselves. | false picture, manipulated view | Like looking into a magic mirror at the fair, where I appear much taller or wider than I really am, I was taught to see myself through my dysfunctional parents’ eyes. This left me with a lasting distorted image of myself as an unworthy, unlovable, bad person. | BRB pp. 84, 86 ANH p. 8 | |
divided self (n) – see also F: feeling self, U: unfeeling self | A dysfunctional state of being where a person exists as two separate and often conflicting selves. The feeling self is an authentic, private self which allows some emotions, but remains hidden. The false, public self, or unfeeling self, is disconnected from emotions. This division occurs in childhood as a survival mechanism of abuse and dysfunction in the family. | split self | Before recovery, I went through life with a divided self. I compulsively acted happy and agreeable with other people, while suppressing my true feelings and resentments, sometimes even from myself. | BRB p. 358 YWB p. 98 | |
The Divine (n) | A name/title for god, higher power. | The Holy | The higher power of my understanding is a loving god I choose to call The Divine. | BRB pp. 76, 142, 247 YWB pp. 59, 86, 134 | |
divine (adj) | Something that is of or from god, or is god-like. | holy | In order to heal, I need to connect with a higher power that provides me with unconditional, divine love. | BRB pp. 220, 231 YWB pp. 126-127 ANH p. 20 | |
doctor’s opinion | A physician’s professional viewpoint about a medical problem. In ACA, this phrase can also specifically refer to the section in the Big Red Book, written by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. This chapter explains his understanding, as a medical professional, of the disease of family dysfunction. He also describes the means and stages of recovery. | medical advice | When I feel unwell, it’s better to make an appointment and get a doctor’s opinion and not just diagnose myself using the Internet. | BRB pp. xxvii-xxx LPG p. 101 ANH p. 39 | |
do ourselves in (v, idiom, informal) | Physically exhaust ourselves. | exhaust, wear out (idiom) | My colleagues and I often do ourselves in at work, trying to meet our deadlines. | BRB p. 65 | |
do the footwork (v, idiom) | Do the necessary steps, the basic work necessary to achieve a goal. | put the work in (idiom) | To recover, I have to do the footwork of attending regular meetings, working the Steps, and doing service. | BRB p. 198 YWB p. 111 | |
doing the heavy spiritual lifting | Doing difficult spiritual work. | doing difficult spiritual work, putting the spiritual work in (idiom) | In order to have conscious contact with my higher power, I am doing the heavy spiritual lifting of regular prayer and meditation. | BRB p. 232 | |
dole out (v, idiom, informal) | Distribute something to each member of a group. | deal out (v, idiom) | Before recovery, I regularly doled out my anger to the people closest to me in my life. | BRB pp. 154-5 YWB p. 73 SMR p. 180 | |
“don’t remember” rule (n) – see also D: “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” | This is an addition to the “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” rule, which is considered the primary rule of a dysfunctional family. The “don’t remember” rule specifically addresses the fact that many adult children cannot remember parts of their childhood, because the brain suppressed traumatic memories in order for us to survive. Or we may not want to consciously remember, because we are afraid of the feelings. However, to heal, it is necessary for us to break this rule and access the feelings from these childhood traumas. | “it never happened” rule | It’s necessary for recovery to break the “don’t remember” rule by doing grief work. | LPG p. 194 | |
“don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” rule | The main, unspoken rule of a dysfunctional family. It means that no one is allowed to feel or talk about anything that makes the caregivers uncomfortable. They may use shame, fear, abandonment, or control to stop family members showing feelings or discussing problems. Children may begin to distrust their own perceptions of reality as a result. | “don’t speak, don’t believe, don’t have emotions” rule | The “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel rule” describes the atmosphere in my family. Only my mother was allowed to be angry or sad and the rest of us had to hide our feelings and pretend we were ok. | BRB pp. xx, 96, 192-193 YWB p. 4, 13, 107-108 SMR p. 322 LPG pp. 10-11, 16, 102 ANH p. 43 | |
dope (n, slang) | Marijuana, heroin, or any illegal drug. The word dope can also be used to describe any substance or behavior that a person uses to numb their emotions. | drug(s) | As a teenager I often smoked dope to numb my pain, but I also quickly learned that food, sex, and shopping are also a kind of dope for me. | BRB p. 248 YWB p. 145 | |
doormat (n, idiom) | A submissive person who allows others to manipulate them, and does not complain when they are taken advantage of or otherwise treated badly. | pushover, fawner | My sister is a real doormat. She can’t say no if someone asks her for money, even when that person isn’t nice to her. | BRB p. 501 SMR p. 24 | |
dysfunction (n) – see also D: disease of family dysfunction | The state of not functioning properly. In the context of a family, it means that the caregivers consistently do not meet some or all of the basic needs their children require to develop into emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy adults. | sickness, state of not functioning properly | As an adult child, I found myself repeating my parents’ dysfunction in my own adult relationships. | BRB pp. xx-xxi, 18, 21-23, 27-34 YWB pp. 9-10, 24, 34-40 SMR LLWB pp. LPG pp. iv, 13, 35 ANH p. 12 | |
dysfunctional (adj) – see also D: disease of family dysfunction, dysfunction | Something or someone that does not function properly, as it is intended to function. In the case of a dysfunctional family, this means that the parents or caregivers lack the skills and/or ability to parent consistently in a healthy way. They are unable to meet some, or all, of their child’s basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. The dysfunction is then passed on to the child. | sick, unhealthy | There was no alcoholism or addiction in my immediate dysfunctional family, but I identify with most of the Laundry List traits because my parents were unable to give me the love, support, and attention I needed. | BRB pp. xxvii, 10, 57-59, 96-98 YWB pp. 3, 4, 7, 82, 115 SMR LLWB pp. 17, 162-163 LPG pp. iv, 31 ANH p. 12 | |
E | |||||
easy does it (saying, idiom) | An idiomatic expression that is an instruction to take things slowly and carefully. This is a very common slogan in 12 Step recovery. It reminds us that recovery is a slow process and we must take it one day at a time, rather than rushing at full speed and trying to heal quickly. | go slowly and carefully, take it easy (idiom), slow and steady wins the race (proverb) | My first year in recovery, I wanted to hurry through the Steps, because I thought that I could heal faster that way. However, my sponsor reminded me “Easy does it.”. | BRB p. 51 SMR pp. 162, 318 LPG p. 230 | |
educational (adj) | An adjective describing something that teaches, provides knowledge. | instructive | I enjoy watching educational programs on TV, for example nature documentaries. | YWB p. 176 | |
effect (n) | A change that is the result of a specific action or cause | result | Working an ACA program has had a positive effect on my life. | BRB pp. xiii, 71, 92 YWB pp. 1, 6, 14 SMR pp. 23, 88, 125 LLWB pp. vii, 157 LPG pp. 103, 125, 194, 201 ANH pp. 6, 22, 36 | |
elder statesmen (n) | In general English, this term refers to respected community leaders such as certain politicians or religious figures - for example, Nelson Mandela. However, it also has a specific 12 Step program meaning. It describes members of the program who do not try to control others, or the outcomes of meetings. They listen to what every person has to say and always put the group conscience above their own personal beliefs or wishes. They only give their opinion when asked. The opposite of an elder statesman in 12 Step literature is a bleeding deacon (see B: bleeding deacon). | 12 Step member who does not seek to control or push their own will onto others | The elder statesmen accepted without argument the group conscience decision to change the meeting script, even though they were personally against it. | BRB p. 501 | |
emotional abuse – see also A: abuse | Non-physical behavior that controls, isolates, shames, or frightens another person. It can be action or inaction that over time destroys the victim’s sense of self. Overt examples are hateful name-calling, and verbal threats. Covert emotional abuse is controlling, shaming, or manipulating a person without direct confrontation. Examples of this include consistently ignoring the victim, setting unrealistic expectations, and gaslighting. Studies have shown emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. | psychological abuse | The emotional abuse in my childhood was very damaging, because the constant criticism, name-calling, and unrealistic expectations of me destroyed my self-esteem. | BRB pp. 29-34, 97 YWB p. 5 SMR pp. 69, 109, 313 | |
emotional sobriety (n) | The ability to sit with all of your emotions, and the emotions of others, without any one of them controlling you. It is thoughtfully acting, rather than reacting to difficult situations. | psychological equanimity | After my first year in recovery, I began experiencing moments of emotional sobriety, when I was not controlled by the overwhelming emotions of my inner child or teenager. | BRB pp. 265, 347, 392 YWB pp. introduction, 73, 163 SMR pp. 8, 67, 80, 85 LLWB p. 99 LPG pp. 16, 73 ANH p. 32 | |
emotionally unavailable (adj) | A person who is disconnected from their own feelings and may struggle to respond to the emotional needs of others. Because of this, they often find it difficult to have close, honest relationships. | emotionally distant, emotionally shut down | Before recovery I was attracted to emotionally unavailable people like my parents, who were unable to show any emotion other than anger. | BRB p. 651 SMR pp. 100, 340 LLWB p. 120 LPG pp. 101, 173 ANH p. 73 | |
enabler (n) | Someone in a relationship with an addict or other dysfunctional person, who protects them from the consequences of their destructive behavior. In some cases, the enabler may actively support the addiction/dysfunction. | addiction/dysfunction facilitator | My father was an enabler to my mother’s addiction. He ignored her dangerous and abusive behavior towards herself and the family, and always gave her money to buy more alcohol. | BRB pp. 32, 40-41 YWB p. 34 LLWB pp. 60-61 ANH p. 14 | |
enmeshment (n) | A lack of boundaries between family members. This results in a family environment where the various members are emotionally intertwined in an unhealthy way. It typically presents as a lack of emotional separation and an unhealthy dependence between parents and their children, even as the children grow up. | a lack of boundaries and emotional separation between family members | The enmeshment in my dysfunctional family presented in different ways. My parents expected us children to do everything in life exactly the same way they did, and there was no room for our own individual wants and dreams. Also, if my mother was sad, and she often was, we were all expected to feel sad with her. | BRB p. 652 YWB p. 26 SMR p. 182 LLWB p. 32 LPG pp. 32, 139 ANH p. 71 | |
experience a hit (v, idiom) | Get a good feeling, or relief from your pain, from a substance or certain behavior. | get a high (idiom) | Just as an addict experiences a hit from heroin, as an adult child I can experience a hit from creating drama in my life. | LLWB p. 166 | |
F | |||||
failure (n) | A situation or person that is not successful, and does not achieve an expected or required result. | for a situation: defeat for a person: disappointment, loser (informal) | I felt like a failure as a child, because my parents had perfectionist standards and my performance in school and sports, was never good enough for them. | BRB pp. 3, 16, 29, 357 SMR pp. 13, 196, 299 LLWB pp. 160, 166 LPG pp. 104, 188 ANH p. 79 | |
false belief (n) | Limiting thoughts that do not reflect reality. They are often negative and painful, for example, that we are unlovable, unworthy, and don’t matter. False beliefs are messages from our dysfunctional parents, that we internalized growing up, because it was the only way we were able to make sense of the abuse, abandonment, and neglect. They can come from verbally abusive statements, or indirectly from our parents’ abusive and neglectful actions towards us | misbelief, misconception, untruth | I grew up with the false belief that my parents chose alcohol over me, because I was an unlovable child. | BRB p. 405 SMR p. 315, LPG pp. 9, 13, 38 | |
false self (n) – see also D: divided self | The mask or fake personality we show others, as well as ourselves, to feel safe and in control. In ACA, the false self is understood as the adult child personality, expressed in the Laundry List traits. It is the addicted or codependent self that unsuccessfully seeks safety and love through control. The mind developed this false self subconsciously in early childhood. It was a defense mechanism against the overwhelming psychological pain of dysfunction in the family home. At the same time, the true self we were born with went into hiding deep in the subconscious.
| inauthentic self, masking identity | My false self works constantly to keep the people around me happy so they won’t abandon me. | BRB pp. xix, xxvi – xxviii, 7, 298 YWB pp. 14, 47, 180 SMR pp. 5, 12, 70 LLWB pp. 2-3, 12 LPG pp. 13, 47, 84 ANH pp. 20, 22, 48 | |
family dynamics (n) | The regular patterns of interaction within a family. This includes family rules, values, and individual family roles (see F: family roles). There are also other factors that influence family dynamics, for example as culture, religion, economics, past trauma and hardship, and the individual ages and personalities of each family member. | interfamily relationships, family interactivity | Our dysfunctional family dynamics revolved around my alcoholic father. Everyone in the family had their own role to try and keep him from getting angry, and to deny the alcoholism to ourselves and the outside world. | BRB p. 109 YWB p. ix LLWB pp. 2, 111 LPG p. 124 | |
family roles (n) | The individual parts each family member plays, the functions each person serves in a family. In dysfunctional families, the typical family roles are hero, mascot, scapegoat, and lost child (see the entries for each role for detailed definitions). Children learn to play their role in order to maintain a degree of safety within the dysfunctional family system. | family parts, family personas | Playing the family role of mascot kept me relatively safe, because I could make my parents laugh and they would temporarily forget their anger or distress. | BRB pp. 70, 97, 134-135, 336 YWB pp. 5, 47 SMR pp. 50, 107, 298 LPG pp. 69, 85 ANH pp. 20, 32 | |
family script (n) | The unconscious, unacknowledged, repetitive patterns of dysfunctional interaction in a family, where each member has an assigned role. | family pattern | My mother’s role in her family script was to be invisible and take care or everyone else, and I inherited that part from her as a child. | BRB pp. xvii-xix LPG p. 43 | |
“feeling in” (v) | “Feeling in” is not a real phrase in the English language. It is a special ACA word, a play on the term acting out (see A: act out). It is the healthy alternative, which is truly feeling the emotions inside us when they come. | sitting with feelings | Before recovery, I acted out by using food and alcohol to numb my feelings. ACA has taught me instead to embrace “feeling in” - actually experiencing my emotions instead of pushing them down. | SMR p. 15 | |
feeling self (n) – see also D: divided self, U: unfeeling self | The vulnerable part of us which is connected to our emotions. This part went into hiding in childhood, as protection from the abuse and neglect in the dysfunctional family. | true self, original self | Through recovery I am learning how to access my original feeling self, who enjoys being playful, doing creative activities, and can love and trust without fear or judgement. | BRB pp. 358, 360 LPG p. 211 | |
fellow traveler (n) | A member of the ACA program, the people on the road to recovery with us. It can also mean the specific person or people we choose to work our ACA program with. | traveling companion, recovery companion | The fellow travelers I come to know in meetings are crucial to my recovery; not only do they help me come out of isolation, but together we are partners in recovery and can practice healthy behavior and relationships together. | BRB p. 365 YWB pp. 41, 125 SMR pp. 2, 40 LLWB pp. 33, 67, 73, 111 LPG pp. 5, 21, 28 ANH pp. 8, 16, 18 | |
fellow traveler model, “fellow traveler” approach/model, fellow traveler method, Fellow Traveler method (n) – see also S: sponsorship | A different approach to sponsorship than the teacher-student model found in other 12 Step programs. In the fellow traveler model of ACA, the people working together are considered equals. They help each other on a peer-to-peer basis, rather than one person being a teacher or authority figure. This approach is considered necessary for many adult children, to avoid repeating the dysfunctional behavior and unhealthy power dynamic of our families of origin. While there are slight variations throughout ACA literature in how this phrase is written, the meanings are all the same. | co-sponsor method, peer-to-peer sponsorship | With the fellow traveler model, my Step work partner and I are on equal ground, looking for answers together. | BRB pp. 369, 370, 379 YWB pp. 184, 187 SMR p. 27 ANH p. 67 | |
fellow traveling (n) | The act of working the steps and/or the general ACA program with another ACA member. It is an equal partnership. | peer recovery work, peer support | Fellow traveling can be just two people, or a larger group of ACA members, supporting each other or working together. | SMR p. 118 | |
fellowship (n) – see also A: ACA fellowship | In general English, a fellowship is a group of people who come together and support each other around a common interest or belief. Within the ACA literature, the fellowship usually refers specifically to the ACA fellowship. | support group, organization | The fellowship has helped me so much; I get a lot of healing out of attending ACA meetings and hearing other members share their experience, strength, and hope. | BRB pp. vii, xii, 4 YWB pp. iii, 11, 12 SMR pp. 38, 93, 123 LLWB pp. 13, 143, 160 LPG pp. 4, 138, 216 ANH p. 44 | |
fellowship text/Fellowship Text (n) | The original, main book of a 12 Step fellowship, for example, The Big Red Book in ACA or the AA Big Book. Fellowship Text will begin with capital letters when it refers to the Big Red Book specifically. | (ACA) membership book | The Fellowship Text contains many personal stories written by ACA fellow travelers, as well as chapters that explain how adult children can recover through working the ACA program. | BRB p. 61 YWB pp. 25, 41 SMR pp. vi, 243 LLWB pp. vii, 78, 156 LPG p. 209, 236 ANH p. 6 | |
fetched back (v, informal) | Collected or picked up someone/something and returned them to the place where they belong. | brought someone home | My friend fetched me back from the supermarket after my car broke down in the parking lot there. | BRB p. xiii | |
fetched up (v, idiom, uncommon) | Brought out, produced | brought out, produced | While my fellow traveler has the Big Red Book on her tablet, I fetched up my old, paper copy of the book to bring to the meeting. | BRB p. 118 YWB p. 20 SMR p. 3 | |
field notebook (n) | A notebook in which professional and amateur researchers, scientists, and explorers record their notes, observations, sketches, and important data about the subject they are studying, often in real time. | research diary | When I go birdwatching, I take a field notebook to record the type of bird, a drawing and where I saw it, as well at weather data for that day. | LPG pp. 50, 68 | |
first things first (saying) | It is important to approach recovery in a logical order. For example, it is necessary to do Steps One through Three before doing Step Four. It is also a reminder not to go too fast in your ACA program, or do things before you are truly ready for the challenge. | do things in a logical order, you have to learn to walk before you can run (idiom). | I felt guilty for not doing service in my first 2 months of ACA, but a wise fellow traveler told me “First things first.”. It was important for me to establish a little bit of recovery for myself first, before helping others. | BRB p. 51 SMR pp. 234, 266 | |
fix (n) | 1. A solution to a problem, a repair of something that is broken. 2. A dose of the drug that a person is addicted to. (informal) | 1. repair, solution, cure 2. dose, hit (informal) | 1. Many adult children want to find a quick fix to their pain, but ACA teaches us that true recovery takes time. 2. I am learning to sit with my uncomfortable feelings, rather than immediately reach for my usual fix of food, nicotine, or excitement. | 1. BRB p. 42 SMR pp. 37, 159, 175
2. BRB pp. 69, 398
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fix (v) | 1. Heal or repair something or someone. Fix in ACA literature can also specifically mean try to stop someone having a difficult emotion (anger, sadness, etc.). To fix the emotions of another person is seen as an unhealthy attempt to control the people around us. 2. To make or prepare something | 1. repair, mend, heal 2. make, prepare | 1. As a child, I falsely believed it was my responsibility to fix my mother’s depression and alcoholism, to cure her and make her happy. 2. My older brother often fixed meals for the family because my mother was at work a lot. | 1. BRB pp. 57, 59, 161, 438 YWB pp. 5, 9, 22, 77 SMR pp. 14, 150, 123, 352 LPG pp. 6, 30, 35, 134 ANH p. 46 2. BRB p. 184 YWB p. 100 | |
fixed (adj) | To be stuck, not moving or changing. | stuck, glued | When my boss is angry, I become so afraid that often I can’t move for a few seconds and am fixed to the spot where I am standing, | BRB pp. 98, 259 YWB pp. 5, 159 SMR p. 107 LPG p. 9 | |
fixing (n) | The act of trying to solve other people’s problems or heal their dysfunction, instead of focusing on ourselves. This also includes comforting someone in an ACA meeting who is experiencing a difficult emotion. Fixing in this context is seen as unhealthy, because it potentially stops that person from freely feeling their emotions. | doing whatever it takes to neutralize a situation, irrespective of whether it is healthy and/or reasonable, or not | Touching, hugging, or otherwise comforting an ACA member during or after their share are all examples of fixing and we are asked not to do this as part of the crosstalk rule. | BRB pp. 102, 386, 564, 575 YWB pp. 8, 23, 142 SMR p. 77 LPG pp. 16, 64, 115 ANH p. 61 | |
food addiction (n) | A compulsive and sometimes uncontrollable urge to eat food, which does not relate to feelings of physical hunger. People with food addiction eat in order to experience relief from emotional discomfort. | compulsive eating, using food as a drug | As I child I discovered eating sweets and junk food numbed my overwhelming emotions. Over time, this behavior became a food addiction that controlled my daily routine | BRB p. 240 YWB p. 140 | |
foster child(ren) (n) | A child who is temporarily under the care of someone other than their biological or adoptive parents. Care may be provided in a group home or other institution, or with a family that has been certified to care for foster children. Removal of the child from their family of origin can occur because the caregivers were abusive, neglectful, and/or otherwise unable to care properly for the child. | child(ren) in care | I was a foster child from the ages of 3-18, because my alcoholic mother wasn’t able to take proper care of me. | BRB pp. 18, 58
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G | |||||
game, set, match (idiom) | A phrase used in tennis to declare a winner at the end of the game. However, it can also be used idiomatically in any situation where a person feels they have won, for example, in an argument or a competition. | victory | After getting a competitive promotion at work, I looked in the mirror and congratulated myself by saying “Game, set, match!”. | LLWB p. 2 | |
gentleness (n) | The quality of being kind, calm, and soft. | tenderness, softness | My sister has a wonderful gentleness to her personality; she always speaks softly and kindly. For this reason, children and animals are very comfortable with her. | BRB pp. 9, 82, 115 YWB pp. 10, 76, 86, 175 SMR pp. 54, 162, 183 LLWB pp. 156, 162 LPG pp. 7, 18, 33 ANH pp. 8, 18 | |
gentleness break (n) | A pause taken from intense recovery work, or any activity, when you are feeling overwhelmed or tired. | restful pause, reset from challenge mode | I always take a short gentleness break after doing Step work with my sponsor. | BRB pp. 171, 174, YWB pp. 86, 92 LPG pp. i, 4, 17, 46 ANH p. 31 | |
getting “in” our bodies (v, idiom) | This is a point in ACA recovery when we begin to reconnect with our bodies. We start to notice and respect the physical sensations that come with emotions. It means to experience the physical feelings of being alive and present inside the body, which is the opposite of dissociation (see D: dissociation). | reconnecting with our physical selves | For me, getting “in” our bodies means using meditation and yoga to learn how to pay attention to how my body is feeling. | BRB p. 268, 270 | |
get out of yourself (v, idiom) | Turn your focus towards helping other adult children. It is meant to establish a balance between the necessary focus on ourselves in recovery work, and doing ACA service. This phrase relates directly to the Twelfth Step and acting as a sponsor or otherwise carrying the ACA message to those who still suffer. | focus on service, focus on carrying the ACA messages to others | Doing service work in ACA will help you get out of yourself, so that you remain connected to other people, and not only focused on your own life and problems. | BRB pp. 292 - 294 YWB pp. 181-183 | |
get socked (v, idiom, informal) | Be hit by someone’s fist. | get punched | As children, we lived in fear of getting socked when our father was drunk and angry. | BRB p. 29 | |
getcha God (n) | A god or higher power that sees and records all of our mistakes in order to punish us. Getcha is a colloquial contraction for ‘get you’, which is an informal phrase meaning ‘catch and punish you’. Some adult children come into ACA with this frightening image of a higher power, because they have assigned their parents’ abusive and dysfunctional behavior to their idea of god. Some may also come from a religious background which taught a punishing vision of a higher power. God is capitalized in this phrase, because that is how it appears in the Big Red Book, where it originates in a fellow traveler share. | punitive god, punishing god, angry god | I grew up believing god was an angry, cruel presence, just like my alcoholic father. In ACA, I am learning to replace this getcha God with a loving, supportive one. | BRB pp. 107, 141 YWB pp. 11, 53, 59 | |
gossip (n) | Conversation about the details of other people’s lives. It is often judgmental, unkind, and not based on facts. | idle talk, tittle-tattle (informal), rumor(s) | My sister enjoys hearing gossip about celebrities, as well as people we know. | BRB pp. 16, 43, 177, 212 YWB pp. 94, 121, 150-151 SMR p. 295 LLWB p. 166 LPG pp. 35, 53 ANH p. 57 | |
gossiping (n) | The act of talking about the details of other people’s lives, often in a judgmental or unkind way, and not knowing if the details are true or not. | talking behind people’s backs, idle talk, tittle-tattling (informal) | Gossiping was a harmful behavior I was quickly able to let go of, once I understood I talked about others because I felt so bad about myself and my own life. | BRB pp. 212, 307 YWB pp. 19, 121 SMR p. 298 | |
gossip (v) | To talk about the details of other people’s lives, often in a judgmental and/or unkind way and not knowing if the details are true or not. | to talk behind people’s backs, to tittle-tattle (informal) | I sometimes gossip as an unhealthy coping mechanism, because it temporarily takes the focus off me and my own problems. | BRB pp. 43-44,70, 177 YWB pp. 94, 122 SMR p. 198 LPG p. 35 | |
grandchild of an alcoholic: see also P: para-alcoholic, para-alcoholism | An adult child whose grandparent(s), not parent(s) suffer from alcoholism. They also identify with the Laundry List traits and feelings of shame and abandonment, the same as the children of alcoholic parents do. This is because without treatment, the disease of family dysfunction is passed down to the next generation, even when the next generation does not have an alcohol addiction. | An adult child whose grandparent(s), not parent(s), were alcoholic (s) | Technically, I am a grandchild of an alcoholic. Neither of my parents drank, but they were both children of alcoholics and our family was deeply affected by their adult child symptoms. | BRB p. 55 | |
grief (n) – see also S: stuck grief | The human response to the loss of someone or something important. A major component of grief is usually a deep sadness, but other emotions, such as anger, may also be felt. | emotional distress from loss | I felt tremendous grief when my sister died. I also felt grief when I had to sell my house that I loved. | BRB pp. 82-83, 88, 199-204 YWB pp. 86, 112-115, 170 SMR pp. 21, 52, 123, 178 LLWB pp. 76, 133 LPG pp. 13, 26, 79, 184 ANH pp. 8, 28, 40 | |
H | |||||
HALTS (saying) | An acronym which stands for the words ‘hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and serious, sad, or sick’. It is used to remind us to stop and assess our emotional and physical state, and address any of these feelings before acting on a situation. | the potential trigger conditions of being: hungry, angry, lonely, tired, serious, sad, or sick | A big part of my recovery has been learning to pause for a moment before making a decision or acting on a situation. I check in with myself using HALTS, and if I am experiencing any of these feelings, I address them first before doing anything else. | BRB p. 427 SMR p. 321 | |
harbor my secrets (v) | Keep my secrets, not talk about something. | keep my secrets | Early in recovery I noticed I was harboring some of my secrets from my sponsor, out of fear of being judged. | BRB p. 396 | |
hard-won (adj) | Something that is achieved only through hard work. | hard-earned, accomplished with difficulty | The rewards of my recovery have been hard-won, but they are definitely worth the work. | BRB p. 252 YWB p. 148 | |
harm (n) | Physical or emotional damage | damage, injury | Judging myself harshly causes me harm, so I am trying to be gentler and accepting of myself, especially when I make a mistake. | BRB pp. 9, 32 YWB pp. 1, 12, 49 SMR pp. 22, 122 LLWB pp. 23, 161 LPG pp. 10, 25, 187 ANH pp. 20, 32 | |
harm (v) | To cause physical or emotional damage. | hurt, injure, cause damage | Working an ACA program helped me to understand that the emotional abuse and neglect I suffered harmed me just as much as the physical abuse. | BRB pp. 9, 65, 136 YWB pp. 48, 70 SMR pp. 30, 131 LLWB pp. 163, 166 LPG pp. 125, 191, 197 ANH p. 38 | |
harmful (adj) | Causing physical or emotional damage. | damaging, injurious, hurtful (for emotional harm) | Verbal abuse is very harmful to children, because they internalize the negative messages they hear repeatedly. | BRB pp. 22, 92, 175 YWB pp. 1, 5, 92 SMR pp. 168, 183, 300 LLWB pp. 168, LPG pp. 10, 32, 177 ANH p. 14 | |
harsh (adj) | Cruel, severe. | cruel, severe, brutal | My boss made some very harsh comments about me, which hurt me deeply. | BRB pp. 32, 48, 58, 148 YWB pp. 16, 27, 168 SMR pp. 283, 373 LPG pp. 44, 50, 158 ANH pp. 12, 14, 46 | |
head first (adv) | To do something impulsively without first thinking or planning. | carelessly, recklessly | As an eager ACA newcomer, I dove head first into Step work without finding a sponsor or fellow traveler first. I was soon overwhelmed with emotions and needed support. | LPG pp. 16 | |
healthful (adj, uncommon) | Beneficial to health, having good health. | healthy | Green vegetables are a particularly healthful food. | BRB pp. 231, 422 YWB pp. 134 SMR p. 388 LPG p. i ANH p. 75 | |
healthfully (adv, uncommon) | In a way that produces good health. | healthily | I am learning to cook more healthfully, rather than only preparing junk food. | LLWB p. 120 | |
helpline (n) | A service offering support and advice to people on the telephone. | hotline, telephone support service | ACA intergroups can organize a helpline for people to call and get information about the ACA program. | BRB pp. 256, 509, 536 YWB p. 151 | |
hero, hero child (n) - see also F: family roles | One of the roles commonly found in a dysfunctional family. The hero child adapts to the dysfunction by becoming extremely competent at home and in school. This outward success helps the dysfunctional family appear healthy and without problems to themselves (denial) and the outside world. This child often suffers inwardly from extreme perfectionism, fear of failure, loneliness, and the feeling of being controlled by others’ expectations. | the successful child who masks the dysfunction in the family | My brother was the hero child in our family. He did very well in school and sports and my parents often said “Look at him – he’s proof our family is doing just fine.”. | BRB pp. 98, 422 YWB pp. 5, 113 LPG pp. 49, 50 ANH p. 32 | |
hide in plain sight (v, idiom) | Be unseen, despite being in open view, often by blending in with the surroundings. | camouflage, hide by blending in with the surroundings | When I ran away from home as a child, I hid in plain sight on a playground with lots of other children. | BRB p. 288 YWB p. 179 | |
high-functioning (adj) | Performing at a high level in education, work, etc. This phrase often is connected with a chronic illness, addiction, or other mental health condition, for example, a high-functioning alcoholic. | performing at a high level, despite a debilitating condition (alcoholism, addiction, family dysfunction) | My husband is a high-functioning alcoholic. He hides his addiction well from the outside world and he is successful at work. Only those of us who live with him know the painful truth. | BRB p. 67 LPG pp. 29, 212 | |
higher power/Higher Power (n) | A 12 Step, spiritual term meaning anything that is a power greater than you, which helps you heal the impact of family dysfunction. The term is intentionally vague. It includes all people who seek recovery, regardless of what their religious or spiritual beliefs are. Some adult children may associate the term with a religious idea and capitalize the first letters in Higher Power, to show respect. Others may find their higher power in other sources, such as nature, or a 12 Step fellowship. They might choose not to capitalize higher power, to avoid any suggestion of a religious presence. Each person defines their own higher power. Most adult children also experience their higher power as loving and caring. | a power greater than myself | Once I let go of my childhood idea of an angry, punitive god, I was able to connect with a gentle higher power that loved me unconditionally. | BRB pp. xxix, 40, 75-76, 79 YWB pp. 6, 10-12, 44-46 SMR pp. 14, 38, 51, 109 LLWB pp. viii, 53, 121 LPG pp. iv, 8, 21, 57 ANH p. 36 | |
hit bottom (v, idiom) | The moment when an adult child can no longer tolerate the impact of family dysfunction. This may include their emotional pain. It also may include addictions and other harmful behaviors. A person who hits bottom is completely ready to seek help and learn a new way of living. | reach one’s breaking point, reach a point that is so bad you are willing to do anything to change it | I hit bottom when I could no longer work, because of my depression and the Laundry List traits that were controlling my life. It was at that point I went to my first ACA meeting. | BRB pp. 67, 274 YWB p. 169 SMR p. 17, 343 LLWB p. 2 | |
home group (n) | A specific ACA meeting that you attend regularly over a longer time, and where you feel a sense of belonging. This is the group where you establish relationships with other fellow travelers, do service, and celebrate your ACA anniversaries. The home group often becomes the chosen or extended family for many adult children. | main meeting, home meeting | My home group meets on Wednesday evening and I have been attending it regularly for 2 years. | BRB p. 270 YWB p. 166 SMR p. 280 | |
hone in on (v, idiom) | To direct your thoughts or attention towards something. | zero in on, focus on | Once I identified which Laundry List traits I identified with the most, I was able to hone in on how they affected my life and slowly learn healthier ways to live. | BRB p. 396 | |
honor (n) | The privilege of being associated with a person or group. | privilege, matter of great respect | It was a great honor for me to be one of the speakers at an ACA conference, and have the opportunity to give back to the fellowship. | BRB p. xviii | |
honor (v) | To regard or treat (someone) with admiration and respect. | respect | In recovery I am learning to honor my own feelings and boundaries, rather than push them aside to make other people comfortable. | BRB pp. xxii, 79, 241, 526 YWB pp. 19, 99, 141 SMR pp. 268, 322, 341 LLWB p. vii LPG pp. 1, 34, 79 ANH p. 36 | |
honor(s) student (n) | An academic distinction given to a superior student, usually the students at school with the highest grades. | star pupil, student at the top of their class, top student | I did well in school and was regularly and was regularly an honor student. | BRB pp. 98, 486 YWB p. 5 | |
hung over (adj, idiom) | Hung over usually means feeling physically unwell after drinking too much alcohol. However, it can also be used to describe feeling tired, confused, and/or unwell after an event or situation in which you experienced a lot of intense emotions. | feeling the after-effects | After sharing some of my childhood trauma with my sponsor, I felt emotionally hung over the next day. | BRB p. 154 YWB p. 73 SMR p. 3 | |
hypervigilance (n) | A long-term symptom of childhood trauma. To survive an abusive or neglectful home, some children constantly scan their environment for possible dangers. This may include the moods and facial expressions of their parents or caregivers. This extreme state of fear and hyper-alertness can become automatic and persist even long after leaving home. Constantly being on alert for potential danger eventually causes physical and emotional exhaustion. Adult children may avoid or overreact to situations that make them feel hypervigilant. This can obviously affect their relationships, work, home life, and overall health. | extreme hyperarousal | Hypervigilance before recovery meant I could never relax around other people; I always had to be alert for signs that the people around me might be angry or otherwise upset. | BRB pp. 12, 160, 345 YWB pp. 76, 96, 149 SMR pp. 104, 142, 218 LLWB p. 53 LPG pp. 92, 120 ANH p. 39 | |
I | |||||
identified alcoholic (n) | The person in a dysfunctional family that is understood to have an addiction to alcohol. | recognized alcoholic | My mother was the identified alcoholic in the family, but my non-drinking father was just as dysfunctional, and had a deeply codependent relationship with her. | BRB p. 23 | |
Identity Papers (n) | The original three ACA documents, written between 1984 and 1987, which define what it means to be an adult child and to suffer the effects of growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home. They are called the Identity Papers because they explain the “identity” of the adult child. The Papers also present the basic the language, focus, and method of recovery that makes ACA different from other 12 Step programs. | founding documents of ACA, the original writings of the founders of ACA, which define what it means to be an adult child and how to recover | The original Identity Papers appear in the Big Red Book, in Chapters 6 and 10. | BRB p. 351 YWB p. 6 SMR p. 85 | |
inclusion (n) | The act of including someone into a group | involvement | A sense of inclusion is very important to children as they grow up; they need to feel involved in their family and social circles. | BRB pp. 56, 61, LPG pp. 112, 188 | |
inclusiveness (n) | The quality of accepting all different kinds of people and treating them equally. | the quality of a group or organization of being open to everyone and treating them equally | The inclusiveness of ACA means that anyone who wants to recover from the disease of family dysfunction can be a member, regardless of whether or not your parent was an alcoholic. | BRB pp. 61-64, 605 | |
inclusivity (n) | The state of actively seeking out and including those people who may not be represented by the majority or mainstream. It is inclusiveness taken one step further, where not only is a group open to all, but they actively seek to have diverse members and their viewpoints represented. “Showing special sensitivity to the viewpoint of the minority.” BRB p. 601 | actively including people and opinions that are not represented by the majority, and giving their viewpoints equal consideration. | True inclusivity in an ACA business meeting means that all opinions are heard and given equal weight in the discussion, not only those in the majority. | SMR p. 45 ANH p. 66 | |
indifference (n) | A lack of interest, concern or sympathy for a person, group, or situation | disinterest, apathy | My mother, overwhelmed with her own life problems, showed a real indifference to the emotional needs of her children. | BRB p. 661 YWB pp. 50, 52, 73 LPG p. 64 | |
indifferent (adj) | Having a lack of interest, concern, and sympathy for a person, group, or situation | disinterested, apathetic | Before recovery, I often felt indifferent to my own emotional and physical needs, but I was always ready to take care of someone else. | BRB pp. 31, 75, 267 YWB pp. 3, 8, 164 ANH p. 37 | |
individuation (n) | The process in which individual things or people are seen and understood as distinct and separate from others in a group. | identification of each separate part of a group | ACA has helped me with individuation, in other words, to let go of my parents’ identities and discover my own. | LPG p. 21 | |
inner child (n): see also C: child within | A person’s younger self, often hidden in the subconscious mind. It is the playful, creative, and spontaneous part of our personalities. For adult children, however, the inner child also carries the unhealed fear, grief, and anger from growing up in a dysfunctional family. | child within | In ACA I finally understood that the deep sadness and fear of abandonment I had been carrying for years was my inner child, stuck in the trauma of 30 years ago. | BRB pp. xxvi, 90, 100, 106 YWB pp. 6, 10, 58 SMR pp. 43, 134, 232 LLWB pp. 32-33 LPG pp. 9, 10, 13 ANH p. 28 | |
inner critical parent (n) – see also C: critical inner parent, critical parent, critical survival parent | The internalized voice of our dysfunctional caregivers. It is the part of our thinking some people call “the critical voice in my head”. It uses perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, control, and judgment to harshly criticize us and others. The original job of this inner family member was to help keep us safe in the dysfunctional family home. However, in adulthood it has a negative, destructive effect instead. The critical inner parent is sometimes also referred to as the critical survival parent, inner critical parent, or simply critical parent. | internal critic, critical inner parent, critical parent, critical survival parent | My inner critical parent shamed me in the past for feeling sad or angry. | BRB pp. 296, 306 SMR pp. 62, 110 LPG pp. 9, 11, 48 ANH pp. 16, 20, 22 | |
inner drugs (n) | Certain feelings and states, for example excitement, fear, stress, and shame, that many adult children are attracted or even addicted to. This is because these emotions, and the surges of hormones the body naturally releases with them, are so familiar to us from our dysfunctional childhoods that as adults we regularly seek them out. The rush of adrenaline we get from such emotions can also help us feel alive instead of numb or disconnected. | negative states and emotions we crave because they are familiar and make us feel alive | Shame and stress are the inner drugs most difficult for me to let go of, because I grew up feeling them almost constantly. While they are definitely unpleasant, they are also familiar, and so I have the sense I am doing things right when I feel them. | BRB pp. 16, 23, 457 SMR p. 242 LLWB p. 166 | |
inner drug store/inner drugstore/inside drugstore (n) – see also A: addicted to excitement, I: inner drugs, inside drugstore, | The place inside our bodies where adult children can get a surge of adrenaline or other hormones from negative emotions or states like excitement, fear, stress, and shame. We do this because it gives us the feeling of being alive, connected, or distracted from our pain. Inner drug store and the phrase inside drugstore are synonyms. Drug store is sometimes written as two separate words. | internal pharmacy, bank of negative feelings we crave because they are familiar and comfortable | Before recovery, I went to my inner drug store for a hit of adrenaline whenever I felt bored or numb. | BRB p. 16 SMR pp. 73, 295, 374 LLWB p. 166 LPG p. 120 | |
insane (adj) | 1. Unreasonable, irrational 2. Seriously mentally ill. Insane is no longer a medical diagnosis, however.
| 1. irrational, unreasonable 2. mentally ill, mentally unwell | 1. Regularly screaming at and shaming children, but then expecting them to grow up healthy and confident is actually insane behavior. 2. Before ACA recovery, I worried I was going insane, because I did not understand why I felt so confused and out of control all the time. | 1. BRB pp. 130, 134, 241 YWB pp. 44, 48 SMR p. 73 LLWB p. 154 2. BRB pp. 100, 124, 150 YWB pp. 6, 24, 51 SMR p. 145 | |
insanity (n) | 1. Extreme unreasonableness or irrationality, distorted thinking and behavior 2. The state of being seriously mentally ill. This is no longer an official medical term, however.
| 1. irrationality, distorted thinking/behavior 2. Serious mental illness | 1. Trying to work long hours without taking a break is insanity. 2. Insanity was a term people used in the past for all kinds of mental illnesses, but it is now considered old-fashioned and even inappropriate to use the word this way. | 1. BRB pp. 122, 131, 134 YWB pp. 22, 45, 46 SMR pp. 36, 67, 360 LLWB pp. 86, 154, 172 LPG p. 81 ANH p. 72 2. BRB pp. 25, 283 YWB p. 176 SMR pp. 36, 67, 360 LLWB pp. 154, 155, 172
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inside “drugging” (n): see also A: addicted to excitement, I: inner drugs | The adult-child habit of using certain emotions/states (excitement, stress, fear, shame, etc.), and the associated adrenaline surges, to feel alive, connected, distracted from our pain. | seeking out certain emotions and states in order to feel alive, connected, or distracted | Inside drugging was a big part of my life before recovery; because I felt lost and numb without constant excitement and adrenaline. | BRB p. 23 | |
internalize (v) | To accept or absorb an idea, belief, attitude so that it becomes part of your character. | embody, adopt, take on | While my parents never directly said “I don’t love you.”, I internalized the years of neglect and abuse and grew up believing I was unlovable and unworthy. | BRB pp. 22-23, 27, 38 YWB pp. 1, 74 SMR pp. 99, 215, 351 LLWB p. 132, 137 LPG pp. 32, 35, 50 ANH pp. 20, 73 | |
issue (n) | An important subject or problem. | concern, matter | I believe my abandonment issues are the root cause of my struggles in life. | BRB pp. 40, 63, 76 YWB pp. 4, 10, 25 SMR pp. 32, 53, 98 LLWB pp. 112, 161, 176 LPG pp. 34, 40, 72 ANH pp. 12, 14, 63 | |
It works if you work it. (saying) | This 12 Step program saying means recovery is guaranteed if you fully work the program to the best of your ability. | Recovery happens when you truly work an ACA program. | I truly believe that it works if you work it and if I feel like I am not progressing in my recovery, I stop and ask myself if there is an area where I am not active in my ACA program. | BRB p. xix SMR p. 25 | |
J | |||||
judgmental (adj) | Tending to make quick, critical, negative opinions about people or situations. | quick to find fault, quick to criticize, censorious | For many adult children, the being judgmental also means being quick to judge yourself, not just other people. | BRB pp. 209, 214, 243 YWB pp. 118, 122, 142 SMR p. 64 LPG pp. 111, 119, 123 ANH p. 14 | |
judgmentalness (n, nonstandard) – see also J: judgmental | The quality of being quick to form critical, negative opinions of people or situations. Judgmentalness is not an official word in the English language, but rather a word specific to ACA literature. | being judgmental, being quick to find fault | I am trying to overcome my judgmentalness. I have found it much easier to stop finding fault in other people, but not immediately criticizing myself harshly has been more difficult. | BRB pp. 23, 35, 111 YWB pp. 14, 118, 127 LLWB pp. 53, 110 | |
judged ourselves without mercy (v) | Evaluated ourselves very harshly, in an extremely critical manner, without sympathy or compassion. | condemn, to find fault without sympathy or compassion | When a problem occurs at home or work, we adult children have often judged ourselves without mercy and assume everything is our fault. | BRB p. 202 YWB pp. 9, 112, 135 | |
K | |||||
keep it simple (saying, idiom) | Make whatever you are doing as uncomplicated and easy as possible. This is a popular 12 Step program saying, reminding us that the simple solutions in recovery are often the best ones. | do things in the least complicated way possible | It’s important to keep it simple when doing Step Nine. A short, uncomplicated apology is best, without a long explanation of why you behaved poorly. | BRB pp. 116, 242, 244 YWB pp. 17, 141, 148 SMR pp. 154, 318 LPG pp. 51, 206 | |
keeping house (v, idiom) | The activity of cooking, cleaning, and doing all the jobs of managing a home. | housework, managing a home | Keeping house can be overwhelming, but I find it easier if I make a list and break down the big jobs into several smaller ones. | BRB p. 396 | |
keep our word (v, idiom) | Be reliable, do what we promise we will do. | be reliable, stand by our promise (idiom), be true to our word (idiom) | As parents, we believe it is very important to keep our word to our children, so that they know they can trust us. | BRB pp. 48, 253, 369 YWB p. 149 | |
kept them at bay (v, idiom) | Prevented something or someone from coming close to you or creating problems for you. | hold them off (idiom), stave them off (idiom) | I kept the company I owed money to at bay by paying them a very small amount every week. | BRB p. 69 | |
knock ourselves out (v, idiom) | Work very hard at something, to the point of exhaustion. | try our hardest, push ourselves | A common characteristic of adult children is that we often knock ourselves out trying to impress people and win their approval. | BRB p. 134 YWB p. 47 LPG p. 82 | |
L | |||||
Laundry List (n) | The ACA Laundry List is an inventory of 14 identifiable traits that adult children have in common. These traits were formed in childhood in order to survive in a dysfunctional family. The term laundry list is a general expression in English which means ‘a long list of things to do’. It originates from a time when most people sent their clothes out to be washed by a laundry service, together with a list of each and every item. | list of common behaviors, list of survival traits, the 14 characteristics that define the adult child | When I first read the Laundry List, I felt truly seen and understood. It described the behavior that had controlled me for most of my life | BRB pp. xiv, xxxi, 4, 7 YWB pp. 13-14, 72 SMR pp. 3, 26, 70, 193 LLWB pp. vii, 133, 160 LPG pp. 11, 82, 118, 172 ANH pp. 10, 20 | |
laundromat (n) | In general U.S. English, a laundromat is a self-service laundry, a public place with coin-operated machines. It also has a second, special meaning unique to ACA literature. Because Chapter 14 of the Big Red Book deals with how our Laundry List traits can also appear at work, the term laundromat is here used, somewhat humorously, to refer to any place where an adult child works. | the adult child’s workplace | After about a year of working my ACA program, I began to see that I was relying on my Laundry List traits at work as well as at home. I jokingly called my office the laundromat when discussing it with my sponsor. | BRB p. 417 | |
living amends (n) | Making a sincere commitment to a person you have harmed that you will change your hurtful and unhealthy behavior, one day at a time. You are living the apology through your changed behavior. | commitment to conscious change from harmful to healthy behavior | I have made a living amends to my children to be a loving and understanding parent, now that I know how. | BRB pp. 114, 639 YWB pp. 16 SMR p. 113 LPG pp. 2, 145, 185 | |
loss (n) – see also G: grief | The situation of no longer having someone or something important to you. It is usually accompanied by feelings of sadness, pain, and possibly anger. | absence of someone or something important | In recovery I am beginning to finally grieve numerous losses in my life; the loss of my mother’s love and attention after she started drinking and the loss of my childhood when I had to start taking care of her and my siblings at age eight. | BRB pp. xx, 22, 60 YWB pp. 13, 78, 86 SMR pp. 31, 149, 306 LLWB pp. 99, 133 LPG pp. 69, 91, 160 ANH pp. 8, 12, 28 | |
lost child (n) – see also F: family roles | One of dysfunctional family roles. The lost child is often simply not noticed or seen. Perhaps they are even forgotten at times by the other family members. This role can be placed on a child by neglectful parents, or it can be a role a child assumes themselves as a form of protection, being quiet and hiding alone in their room all the time is a way to avoid the dysfunction. Adult lost children can suffer from trust issues and severe loneliness, as they did not have the opportunity in childhood to learn how to form healthy relationships. | invisible child, forgotten child | My younger brother was the lost child in our dysfunctional family. While the rest of us kids were fighting, or trying to take care of the house and each other, he read books alone in his room for hours. We often forgot he was even there. | BRB pp. 97-98, 135, 422 YWB pp. 5, 47 SMR pp. 50, 107 LPG p. 69 ANH pp. 12, 20 | |
loving parent/Loving Parent (n) - see also B: becoming your own loving parent, R: reparenting | One member of each adult child’s inner family, who already exists inside each of us, although usually unacknowledged. For example, it can be understood as the part that helped us take care of ourselves as children, when our caregivers did not. For some adult children it is the part of us that shows love and compassion to others. For others, it is their higher power working through them. However we understand it, the loving parent needs to be identified and developed as part of each adult child’s ACA recovery. Becoming your own loving parent means learning to redirect your compassion inwards, towards yourself, instead of listening primarily to the inner critical voice, and giving yourself the unconditional love, support, nurturing and guidance you did not get from your original caregivers. | inner compassionate caregiver | Developing my inner loving parent was a fundamental aspect of my ACA recovery. I started by asking myself, whenever I was upset or overwhelmed, “How would I comfort and guide a small child who was feeling like I am?”. | BRB pp. 296-298, 310, 337 YWB pp. 11, 115 SMR pp. 110, 115, 194 LLWB pp. 33, 61 LPG pp. 9, 14, 21, 23 ANH p. 24 | |
M | |||||
mascot (n) - see also F: family roles- see also F: family roles | One of the dysfunctional family roles. The entertainer and the peacemaker in the family, who uses humor and charm as survival skills to diffuse tense or dangerous situations in the home. It is often, but not always, the youngest child. The mascot, like the hero child, is often seen as the representative of the family to the outside world, as a mask to suggest everything in the home is fine. While seeming happy on the outside, mascot adult children often struggle with connecting to and expressing their emotions, and therefore can find it difficult to have deeper, authentic connections and relationships. They are often people-pleasers. | family clown, family comedian, comic relief | My little sister was the mascot of our dysfunctional family. She would do silly dances or make jokes to calm the rest of us children when our parents were fighting. | BRB pp. 70, 98 YWB p. 5 SMR p. 59 LPG p. 69 ANH pp. 14, 20 | |
made great strides (v, idiom) | Made significant progress towards achieving a goal. | developed, progressed, advanced | A few months after I started working the Steps, I recognized I had made great strides in my recovery. | BRB p. 143 YWB p. 60 SMR p. 17 | |
mental illness (n) | An umbrella term for the varied conditions that involve significant changes in a person’s thinking, emotional regulation, and/or behavior. These changes can cause distress at work, socially, and in family life. Mental illness is today generally considered a medical problem, like diabetes or heart disease, and is treatable with a variety of methods. | mental health disorder, mental health condition, psychiatric disorder | I was diagnosed as an adult with the mental illnesses PTSD and depression, which I believe are the direct result of growing up in a dysfunctional family. | BRB pp. 57, 96, 143 YWB pp. 4, 60 ANH p. 12 | |
mercy (n) – see also J: judged ourselves without mercy, W: were completely at the mercy of others, | Compassion and forgiveness shown towards someone you are in the position to punish or harm (including yourself). | forgiveness, clemency, grace | The judge had mercy on the woman who was convicted of drug possession; she understood that addiction is a disease and ordered the woman to seek treatment rather than go to prison. | BRB pp. 103, 199, 213 YWB pp. 9, 112 SMR pp. 97, 267 ANH p. 22 | |
mindfulness (n) | The practice of being consciously aware of your environment and your own feelings in the present moment, without judgement or thought to the past or the future. “Non-judgmental, present-moment awareness.’ LPG p. 38 It is both a specific practice, a form of meditation, as well as a way of living day-to-day. | present-moment awareness without judgment | I began practicing mindfulness by thinking about how my feet felt on the ground while taking a walk, and how the wind felt on my skin. It stopped me focusing on my anxiety about the past and future. | LPG pp. 38-39, 41, 88 | |
mistrust (n) | A lack of trust in someone or something, suspicion. | suspicion | Because my dysfunctional parents often didn’t keep their promises or treat us children very kindly, I developed a sense of mistrust towards people in general, which followed me into adulthood. | BRB pp. xxiii, 84 SMR pp. 107, 324 LPG pp. 64, 158 | |
N | |||||
neglect (n) – see also A: abuse, C: childhood neglect | The failure to take proper care of someone or something. In the context of a dysfunctional family, it is a situation where caregivers regularly fail to meet the physical and/or emotional needs of a child. These are food, shelter, clothing, medical care, adequate supervision, education, socialization, nurturing, and affection. Neglect is a form of abuse and can have lasting negative cognitive, emotional, and physical effects on the child. | abandonment, negligence of the duty of care | The neglect in my dysfunctional childhood was that very little attention was paid to any of my emotional needs. I had enough food, clothes, and shelter - but very little love, attention, praise, guidance, or support. | BRB pp. 29-31, 33, 181 YWB pp. 48, 98 SMR pp. 128, 201 LLWB pp. 120, 166 LPG pp. 24, 194, 204 ANH pp. 12, 32 | |
numb out (v, idiom) | Do something that desensitizes you from your emotions. For example, using alcohol, drugs, food, or compulsive behavior to dull your feelings. | use a substance or behavior to severely dull your ability to feel, desensitize | Some adult children use TV or scrolling the internet to completely numb out from their feelings. | LPG p. 70 | |
numbed-out (adj, idiom) | Completely desensitized to physical and/or emotional sensations, as a result of trauma or a stimulus such as a drug. | unable to feel anything, dissociated | As a result of the constant abuse at home, I eventually became a totally numbed-out child. | SMR pp. 259 | |
numbing (n, uncommon) – see also P: psychic numbing | The state of being unable to feel emotions, or the full range of human emotions and/or physical sensations. This occurs when feelings and sensations have become “frozen”, which is an unconscious defense mechanism against abuse and neglect in the dysfunctional home. | psychic numbing, emotional numbness, frozen feelings and sensations, inability to feel | The numbing I experienced as a child was my brain’s response to abandonment and abuse - it kept me safe from unbearable pain. | BRB p. 269 YWB p. 166 | |
numbing (adj) | An adjective describing any substance or behavior that can dull or deaden physical and/or emotional sensations. | desensitizing | As a young child, I discovered that eating a lot of food, especially sweet or starchy food, had a temporary numbing effect on my emotional pain. | SMR pp. 259 LPG pp. 63, 66, 73 | |
numbness (n) | A partial to complete lack of physical and/or emotional feeling. | desensitization | When I feel shame, I often experience a sudden numbness in my hands and feet which makes it hard to physically move. | BRB p. 178 YWB pp. 96, 99 LPG pp. 13, 78, 120 ANH p. 39 | |
nurture (v) | Care for, feed, and protect someone or something while they are growing. Nurturing a child includes more than just caring for their physical needs. It also requires providing support and healthy growth opportunities for their intellectual, emotional, and spiritual development. | encouraging and supporting the healthy development of someone or something | While my parents gave sufficient attention to my physical and intellectual development, they lacked the capacity to nurture me emotionally or spiritually. | BRB pp. 18, 159, 160 YWB pp. 15, 76, 158 SMR pp. 131, 141, 305 LLWB p. 33 LPG pp. 7, 12, 25 ANH p. 24 | |
O | |||||
one’s self *, oneself (pronoun) | A reflexive pronoun which refers back to the subject of a sentence. It is used to replace the pronouns herself or himself, in situations where the speaker/writer does not want to assign gender to the subject. It can also be used in more formal language to refer back to the speaker. In this case it replaces the pronoun myself. This pronoun is also sometimes used to emphasize that the subject did something alone, without the help of others. *In the past, one’s self and oneself were sometimes both used to mean the gender-neutral, third person reflexive pronoun (see usage example sentence). However, in Standard modern English, one’s self and oneself are two different words, with different meanings. According to the context, the writers of the Big Red Book most likely intended to use the word one’s self as a reflexive pronoun, which is now usually written as one word - oneself. When translating one’s self in ACA literature, it is suggested to use the standard definition of oneself as it appears in this glossary. | himself, herself, themselves, myself (in cases where the speaker is referring back to their own person) | An adult child learns in ACA to reparent oneself, and not always look first to other people to provide that unconditional love and support. | BRB pp. 45, 61 YWB pp. 13, 184 ANH p. 66 | |
opinion (n) – see also D – doctor’s opinion | 1. Someone’s viewpoint or judgement, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. 2. A professional or expert’s advice about a particular subject | 1. belief, viewpoint 2. a professional’s expert advice | 1. ACA has taught me that I have a right to have my own opinions about everything, including religion, politics, and my family, even if they are different to what my family believes. 2. I decided to seek a lawyer’s opinion about setting legal boundaries with my abusive ex-partner. | 1. BRB pp. 44, 80, 252 YWB pp. 2, 19, 118 SMR pp. 27, 61, 171 LLWB pp. 18, 113, 146 LPG pp. 34, 115, 207 ANH p. 78 2. BRB pp. xiii. xvi, xxvii SMR p. 88, 391 LPG p. 101
| |
overwhelm zone (n) – see also C: comfort zone, challenge zone | An emotional state which exists beyond the challenge zone. In this state, recovery work is more difficult or even impossible. Overwhelm can occur for various reasons, such as tiredness, a trigger, or a general feeling that the current environment is not safe. When we find ourselves in the overwhelm zone, pausing active recovery work and taking a gentleness break, or calling another ACA member, can help. | The point where you are emotionally unable to continue recovery work and need a break | While working the Steps with another ACA member, a painful memory came up and went into the overwhelm zone. We took a break from the work to regain a sense of calm and safety. | LPG pp 4, 222 | |
P | |||||
paid our dues (v, idiom) | Earned the right to something, through hard work, long experience, and/or surviving difficulties. The idiom originates from the literal meaning of the phrase pay my dues, which is ‘pay the money required to join or remain in an organization, club, etc.’. | earned the right to something, earned a place at the table (idiom) | My sisters and I feel we paid our dues growing up in a dysfunctional family, and now we believe we each seek only healthy relationships with people who can love and be responsible for themselves. | BRB p. 94 YWB p. 3 | |
panic disorder (n) | A psychiatric diagnosis that is characterized by reoccurring, severe, and unexpected panic attacks. The main symptom is a sudden feeling of extreme terror. Physical symptoms may include rapid heart rate and breathing, chest pain, sweating, and dizziness. One of the known causes of panic disorder is childhood trauma. | anxiety disorder, a psychiatric diagnosis that is characterized by reoccurring, severe, and unexpected panic attacks | After being diagnosed with severe panic disorder, I started looking into how to heal childhood trauma, and went to my first ACA meeting. | BRB p. 143 YWB p. 60 LLWB p. 166 | |
para-alcoholic* (n) – see also C: codependent | An early ACA term used to describe the family members of an alcoholic, who are affected by the alcoholic’s behavior. They eventually take on symptoms of the disease, even if they do not drink alcohol. The para-alcoholic focuses on the wants and needs of others, primarily the alcoholic or addict in their life, rather than their own. * The word para-alcoholic was eventually changed to codependent. | codependent | My mother was the alcoholic in the family and while my father did not drink, he was a para-alcoholic whose life and identity revolved around my mother’s drinking. | BRB pp. 20, 23, 25-26, 69 YWB p. 157 SMR pp. 338, 366 LLWB p. 142 LPG p. 227 ANH p. 68 | |
para-alcoholism - see also C: codependency | The process by which the family members of an alcoholic develop the traits of the disease (see L: Laundry List), even if they do not drink alcohol. | codependency | The term para-alcoholism helped me finally to understand why my family was so dysfunctional, even though neither of my parents drank. They were the children of alcoholics, and they each brought their learned behavior of fear, control, and denial to their new family. | BRB pp. 20 YWB intro, 6, 47, 75 SMR p. 121 LLWB pp. 132, 134, 137 LPG pp. iv, 227 ANH p. 73 | |
parentification (n) – see also P: parentified | A dysfunctional family situation in which a child or teenager is forced to take age-inappropriate, parental responsibilities. These tasks may be cooking, cleaning, looking after the younger children, or paying bills. Parentification may also mean the child or teenager is the main source of emotional support for a parent and/or other members of the family. At the same time, they may not receive any emotional support for themselves. It is a form of abuse and can cause childhood trauma. | parent-child role-reversal, a child/teenager taking on the responsibilities of the parent | Parentification in my family took different forms: because of my mother’s depression, she wasn’t always able to cook or clean the house, and so I learned to do that by age 8 or 9. I also was the person she complained to about her problems with my father and her complicated emotions. | LPG pp. 75, 183 | |
parentified (adj) – see also P: parentification | An adjective describing a child who has taken on age-inappropriate, parental responsibilities in their family. This happens when the adults in the family are physically and/or emotionally incapable of fulfilling all of their parental responsibilities. | forced into age-inappropriate parental responsibilities (as a child/teenager) | Parentified children, because they had to take on too much responsibility too early, often grow into adults who find it hard to relax and have fun. | LPG pp. 49, 65-66, 175 | |
part of ourselves (n) | One piece of the different aspects that make up the adult child. These different pieces could be, for example, our thoughts, our feelings, and our bodies. It can also refer to different inner family members, for example, the inner child, inner teenager, the critical and the loving parent. | one aspect of our being, an inner family member | I understand ACA recovery to mean a reunion of the different parts of ourselves. | BRB pp. 299, 303, 308 SMR pp. 104, 155, 223 LPG pp. 9. 46, 204 ANH pp. 24, 50 | |
passive-aggressive (adj) | A type of behavior in which a person expresses their anger, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, or their needs and wants in an indirect manner, not through direct communication. It is a form of manipulation. | covertly aggressive, indirectly expressive of anger and dissatisfaction | My passive-aggressive brother often stops speaking to me when he’s unhappy with something I did, instead of telling me what his problem is. | BRB pp. 24, 72, 404 SMR pp. 312 LPG pp. 81, 143 ANH p. 14 | |
people-pleaser | Someone who prioritizes other people’s needs, feelings, and opinions above their own, to avoid conflict or being abandoned. criticism. | fawner, doormat | I learned early in childhood to be a people-pleaser, because always agreeing with my mother and not having my own opinions or feelings helped keep me safe. | BRB pp. 11, 187, 418 YWB pp. 104, 118 SMR pp. 78, 163 LLWB p. 163 ANH p. 74 | |
perpetrator (n) – see also A: abuser, V: victimizer | A person who has committed a violent, abusive, and/or criminal act. | abuser, offender | The main perpetrator in my family was my father, who physically and emotionally abused his wife and children. | BRB pp. 8, 114, 174 YWB pp. 15, 26, 90 SMR pp. 68, 163, 206 LLWB pp. 66, 161 LPG pp. 49, 57 | |
pervasive (adj) | Existing and noticeable everywhere. Spreading from one area or thing to another. This adjective is generally used to describe something negative and unwanted. | prevalent, permeating, existing everywhere | The effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home are pervasive. I now see how the dysfunction has spread to every aspect of my life. | BRB pp. 10, 78, 82 YWB pp. 24, 71 SMR pp. 68, 122, 294 LLWB p. 162 LPG pp. 49, 57 | |
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/PTSD (n) | A mental health diagnosis, also known by the abbreviation PTSD. It is caused by experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event/ events. Abuse and neglect can cause PTSD. Symptoms may include intrusive thoughts about the event(s), severe anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, and avoidance of people and places that trigger these symptoms. Feelings of anger, hopelessness, guilt, and shame are also common. PTSD in childhood interferes with normal development, creating more complex damage. Some professionals use the term complex PTSD, or cPTSD, to describe the effects of repeated, ongoing trauma, as opposed that of one traumatic event. | a psychiatric diagnosis of symptoms caused by trauma | In the past, people thought that only war veterans suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is now understood that survivors of childhood trauma, including emotional abuse, share most of the same PTSD symptoms experienced by soldiers. | BRB pp. xxxviii, 12, 178-180 YWB pp. 76, 96-97, 99 SMR pp. 26, 218, 243 LLWB p. 163 LPG p. 209 ANH p. 38 | |
preciousness (n) | The positive quality of being of great value, loved, and cherished. | pricelessness, dearness | ACA recovery and a connection with my higher power is showing me that I have a preciousness that cannot be destroyed by trauma and abuse. | BRB p. xix ANH p. 20 | |
problem drinker (n) | A person who has a pattern of alcohol use that creates negative consequences in their life, for example relationship, work, or legal problems. The difference between this term and alcoholic is that an alcoholic is defined as being addicted to alcohol, where a problem drinker is not. | alcohol abuser, alcohol misuser | Before recovery, I numbed my pain with numerous substances and behaviors: food, shopping, watching endless hours of TV. I was also a problem drinker, although I was not physically addicted to alcohol. | BRB pp. 18, 478 | |
Q | |||||
qualifier (n) – see also Q: qualify for ACA | 1. The dysfunctional caregiver(s) whose behavior caused us to develop the Laundry List traits. It is “the person who infected us with the disease of alcoholism or dysfunction.” BRB p. 417 2. A second word or sentence which changes the meaning of the word or sentence before it. | 1. abusive parent or family member, the person whose behavior caused us to become adult children 2. modifying word or statement | 1. While both of my parents were dysfunctional, my main qualifier was my alcoholic, physically abusive step-father. 2. Whenever I received praise as a child, it was always with a qualifier that my sister had done it better. | 1. BRB p. 417
2. BRB p. 36
| |
qualify for ACA (v) | To qualify for a program or group means ‘meet a specific set of requirements necessary to be a member of that group’. To qualify for ACA specifically means you identify with/exhibit the Laundry List traits. This can be a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family or system, or otherwise experiencing childhood trauma and loss. | identify with/exhibit the Laundry List traits, identify as an adult child | All my siblings, as well as my parents, qualify for ACA. We all lived in the same abusive, dysfunctional family and it shows in our behavior. | BRB pp. 156, 248, 292 YWB pp. 74, 182 SMR p. 103 | |
R | |||||
raised the veil (v, idiom) | Revealed or explained something that was previously a secret. | revealed the secret, uncovered the truth | When I learned the details of my mother’s abusive childhood, it raised the veil on her own dysfunctional behavior with me. She was repeating what she had been taught by her dysfunctional parents. | BRB p. 4 LLWB p. 161 | |
reactors rather than actors (n) – see also A: actor | People who automatically respond, or react, to adult situations with the Laundry List traits. In this mindset, adult children often feel powerless to do anything, in other words to consciously act, about the problems in our lives. We remain dependent on other people, because their behavior determines how we feel and what we do. | automatic responders, not conscious action takers | Reactors rather than actors in my life means that in a disagreement with a colleague, I automatically overreact with an angry outburst, instead of having the chance to calmly decide what a healthy action might be. | BRB pp. 17-18 YWB pp. 80, 157 SMR pp. 366, 493 LLWB pp. 145, 147-148 LPG p. 227 ANH pp. 68,73 | |
recovery (n) | In general English, this means the process of becoming healthy again after a disease or injury. In ACA specifically, it means the process of healing from the emotional and spiritual wounds caused by the disease of family dysfunction. Aspects of ACA recovery include coming out of denial and isolation, reconnecting with the inner family members, grieving the losses of a traumatic childhood, and learning to reparent ourselves. | healing | Recovery in ACA is slow, because it means healing deep wounds, as well as learning a different way of living from what we were taught from our family of origin over many years. | BRB pp. xiv, 50, 124 YWB pp. 1, 24, 151 SMR pp. 6, 12, 71 LLWB pp. 13, 87 LPG p. 40, 219 ANH pp. 24, 32 | |
recovery (adj) | Relating to the process of healing. | healing | My recovery process has not been a straight line. I have had ups and downs, and sometimes I felt like I was going backwards. My sponsor tells me this is completely normal. | BRB pp. viii, xxix, 237 YWB pp. 5, 74 SMR pp. 5, 9, 11 LLWB p. 156 LPG p. 5, 65, 90 ANH pp. 16, 18 | |
recreation (n) | 1. An activity that is done for pleasure, in your free time. 2. The act of making something happen again. Sometimes written as re-creation. | 1. leisure, enjoyment 2. reappearance | 1. I am learning that recreation, like hobbies and going to the movies with friends, is also important to recovery. 2. As I came out of denial, I saw that my marriage was a re-creation of my parents’ unhealthy relationship. | 1. BRB p. 120, YWB p. 21 LPG p. 208 2. BRB p. 154 YWB p. 72 SMR p. 20 | |
relapse (n) – see also A: ACA relapse | A return to sickness or unhealthy behavior. | return to sickness/unhealthy behavior | My relapse started when I got into a new relationship and stopped working my ACA program. | BRB pp. 154, 347, 391 YWB pp. 72, 144, 152 SMR pp. 135, 298 | |
relapse (v) | Return to unhealthy behavior, such as addictions and/other forms of self-harm and reliance on the Laundry List traits. | return to unhealthy behavior | Because I know it is easier to relapse when I isolate, I attend meetings regularly and call a fellow traveler at least twice a week to talk honestly about how I am feeling. | BRB pp. 44, 70, 393 YWB p. 73 SMR p. 135, 188 LLWB p. 126 | |
relate (v) – see also R: relate to | Describe a series of events, tell a story | tell, narrate, recount | ACA meetings were the first time in my life I felt safe enough to relate some of the details of my childhood trauma. | BRB pp. 462, 634 YWB p. 185 SMR p. 218 | |
relate to (v) | 1. Identify with and understand someone or something because you have similar experiences, feelings and/or thoughts. 2. Be connected with something. 3. Interact with someone or something | 1. identify with, connect with 2. apply to, pertain to 3. interact with, engage with | A good way to find a possible sponsor or fellow traveler is to talk with someone whose shares in meetings you often relate to. 2. Chapter 14 of the Big Red Book relates to how our Laundry List traits can cause problems in the workplace. 3. I struggled in the past to relate to people, but in ACA I find it a lot easier, because I know we all share a common understanding of the disease of family dysfunction. | 1. BRB pp. 4, 338, 365 YWB pp. 48, 110 SMR p. 320, 343 LLWB pp. 78, 104, 228 LPG pp. 2, 13, 35, 153, 163 ANH p. 42 2. BRB pp. 184, 341, 419, 554 YWB pp. 100, 185 SMR pp. 121, 314 LLWB p. 129, 146 LPG p. 77, 123, 218 ANH pp. 23, 39 3. BRB p. 528 SMR p. 2, 85, 94, 240 LLWB pp. 47, LPG pp. 1, 24, 41, 65, 200 | |
religious abuse (n) – see also S: spiritual abuse | The use of someone’s religious or spiritual beliefs in a way that causes them harm. This includes emotional, physical, and sexual abuse that occurs within religious or spiritual communities. However, emotional, physical, and sexual religious abuse can also happen within families, when a parent, partner, or other relative uses religious or spiritual beliefs as justification to control, shame, or otherwise cause harm to their family members. | spiritual abuse, using someone’s religious or spiritual beliefs to harm them | One of the examples of emotional religious abuse in my family was using the image of an angry, frightening god to control the children. | BRB p. 148 YWB p. 63 | |
rely on (v) | 1. Trust and have faith in someone or something. 2. Need a particular person or thing to function properly. | 1. trust, believe in, have faith in 2. depend on, need | 1. I am learning to rely on myself for love and approval, rather than always looking to other people. 2. In a healthy family, children rely on their parents for food, shelter, and love. | 1. BRB pp. 212, 265, 405 YWB pp. 121, 163, 181 SMR pp. 83, 146, 157, 213 LPG pp. 33, 67 ANH p. 62 2. BRB pp. 433, 522 SMR pp. 22, 68, 123 LLWB p. 154 LPG pp. 11, 47, 63, 172 ANH p. 34 | |
reframe (v) | Change the way you think about something. | rethink, reformulate, reassess | ACA is helping me to reframe my childhood, and see it for how lonely and frightening it really was. | SMR p. 21 LLWB p. 99 LPG pp. 24-25, 97, 135 ANH p. 24 | |
reparenting (n) – see also B: becoming your own loving parent. L: loving parent | Giving ourselves the unconditional love, protection, nurturing, support, and guidance that our caregivers did not give us in childhood. Literally, reparenting means ‘parenting again’ (from the Greek re for ‘back’ or ‘again’). It is a process which begins with rediscovering the love inside us, which many adult children freely give to others, but not themselves. We learn to replace the harsh judgement of the inner critical parent with the love and understanding of a loving parent. | becoming your own loving parent | Reparenting is giving myself all the love, nurturing, guidance, and support I wish I had received from my own parents. | BRB pp. 195-196, 296-299, 337 YWB pp. 109-110 SMR pp. 80, 165 LLWB pp. 43, 77 LPG pp. 1, 7, 8, 17, 25-26 ANH pp. 22, 24, 28 | |
reparenting check-in | A specific exercise in the Loving Parent Guidebook, similar to a guided meditation. The process follows four distinct steps. The aim of the exercise is to connect with your inner family members, in particular those who may be triggered and need comfort. | inner family connection practice | When I felt triggered by a confrontation at work, I called my ACA friend and we went through the reparenting check-in together. | LPG pp. 29, 82, 95-100 | |
rescuer | A person who feels compelled to help others, often at the expense of their own well-being. They often have the false belief that they are responsible for, and capable of, saving other people from whatever problems they have. Rescuing behavior can provide them with a sense of self-esteem, as well as a sense of control. | savior | Rescuers not only try to save their friends and family, but are often attracted to helping profession roles like social worker, nurse, or teacher. | BRB pp. 134-135, 290, 484 YWB pp. 47, 154, 180 SMR p. 144 LLWB pp. 52, 76, 155 LPG p. 184 ANH p. 14 | |
resentment | Bitterness and indignation at having been treated badly, unfairly, or forced to accept something you do not like. | stored anger, bitterness, indignation | I am learning to be honest when I don’t want to do something, instead of agreeing, but then holding resentment against the person who asked me for help. | BRB pp. 24, 172, 494 YWB pp. 86, 113, 152 SMR pp. 276, 313, 361 LLWB p. 164 LPG pp. 63, 70, 173 ANH p. 40 | |
S | |||||
sane (adj) | 1. Having a healthy mind, being mentally well. No longer a medical term. 2. Reasonable, rational, displaying good judgment.
| 1. of healthy mind, mentally stable 2. reasonable | 1. Because of my life-long, adult child anxiety and depression, I never really felt sane until I started working my ACA program. 2. I am making a lot more sane decisions since I got into recovery. | 1. BRB pp. 114, 130, 232 YWB pp. 15, 44, 135 SMR pp. 36, 131, 336 LLWB p. 155 2. BRB pp. 122, 131, 218 YWB pp. 22, 45, 124 SMR pp. 308, 351 LLWB p. 154
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sanity (n) | Good mental health, soundness of mind. | soundness of mind | Sanity for me is knowing and doing what is truly best for my own health and well-being. | BRB pp. 67, 107, 131 YWB pp. 1, 11, 45 SMR pp. 14, 131, 308 LLWB p. 57 LPG p. ii ANH p. 76 | |
scapegoat (n) - see also F: family roles | A person who is blamed incorrectly for the mistakes, bad acts, or dysfunction of others. It is one of the dysfunctional family roles. The child in this role helps the family maintain denial about their sickness, because all problems are blamed on the one child, rather than the dysfunctional parents or the family system as a whole. The scapegoated child may come to believe they truly are at fault for all the family problems. | person who takes the blame for others, fall guy (informal) | While my parents ignored brother’s mistakes and misbehavior, I was the family scapegoat and got blamed for anything that went wrong in the house. | BRB pp. 97-98, 421 YWB pp. 5, 47 SMR pp. 328, 366 LPG pp. 69, 86 ANH pp. 14, 20 | |
self-betrayal | The phenomenon, often unconscious, when a person compromises their own inner desires, beliefs, and understanding of reality. They do this to conform to what other people want or consider acceptable. It is often a trauma response, formed during a dysfunctional childhood. In this situation, a child may learn that hiding their true feelings beliefs is a way to stay safe. | self-abandonment, not being true to yourself | Self-betrayal was when I chose a profession I didn’t enjoy and married someone I didn’t want to, because that was what my parents told me to do. | BRB pp. 355-356 SMR LLWB p. 66 | |
self-blame | A psychological phenomenon in which a person feels personally and overly responsible for real or imagined problems and negative outcomes. It can come from growing up in a dysfunctional family. A child may try to make sense of their parents’ dysfunction by believing that they, the child, are the problem. This false belief is often carried into adulthood and applied to other areas of life. | self-accusation, overdeveloped sense of responsibility for problems and negative outcomes | If a random person leaves and ACA meeting early, my self-blame immediately has me thinking I said or did something wrong to upset that person. | BRB pp. 82, 171 YWB pp. iii, 86 SMR pp. 20, 322 | |
self-condemnation | The act or habit of harshly criticizing your behavior and actions as wrong, without any compassion or forgiveness for mistakes or wrongdoings. | self-reproach | When I first realized I had repeated some of the dysfunctional behavior I learned from my parents, I felt a strong sense of self-condemnation. However, working an ACA program taught me how to forgive myself for my past mistakes. | BRB pp. 435, 504 SMR p. 261 LLWB p. 161 | |
self-confidence | A positive belief in your own abilities, qualities, and judgement. | self-assurance | Keeping a daily journal of the progress I am making in ACA has given me much more self-confidence in my life. | BRB pp. 27, 115 YWB p. 16 SMR pp. 143, 157, 366 ANH p. 12 | |
self-doubt | The feeling of having no confidence in yourself and your abilities. Adult children’s self-doubt can also extend to questioning our own sense of reality or truth. This is because as children in the dysfunctional home, we may have had our feelings and observations contradicted by our caregivers, who were in denial. | insecurity, lack of self-confidence | My parents set extremely high standards for their children’s behavior and performance, which were impossible to meet most of the time. As a result, I grew up with a sense of permanent self-doubt that I could ever do anything successfully. | BRB pp. 35, 48, 368 YWB pp. iii, 110 SMR pp. 185, 261, 322 LLWB pp. 100, 160 ANH pp. 16, 28, 42 | |
self-esteem | The overall sense of your own value or worth. | sense of your own worth | I was constantly criticized by my parents as a child, and developed a very low self-esteem as a result. | BRB pp. 37, 321, 476 YWB p. 156 SMR pp. 48, 283 LLWB pp. 101, 110, 112 LPG pp. 161, 216 ANH pp. 20, 68 | |
self-harm | Injury that we do to ourselves. It is conventionally understood as deliberate acts of physical injury to a person’s own body. However, ACA considers all harmful behavior the adult child may consciously or unconsciously engage in as self-harm. Examples include drug and alcohol abuse, using food to numb feelings, isolating, and people-pleasing. | self-injury | I engaged in many forms of self-harm before recovery, for example deliberately hurting myself physically, criticizing myself harshly, and isolating from people. | BRB pp. 66, 136, 291 YWB pp. 48, 110, 181 SMR p. 224 LLWB p. 160 LPG p. 70 | |
self-hate (n) | Extreme dislike of yourself, usually consisting of constant feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and low self-esteem. | self-loathing, self-disgust | Connection with my higher power and developing an inner loving parent are transforming my self-hate into self-love. | BRB pp. 82, 156, 434 YWB pp. 74, 76 SMR p. 183 LLWB pp. 114-115, 166 LPG p. 227 ANH p. 69 | |
self-help (adj) | Books, organizations, and programs that offer information on how to help yourself change or grow, without seeking outside professional help. | self-improvement, self-development | The self-help shelf in my local bookstore is full of titles that promise I can be happier, healthier, or have more money in life. | BRB pp. xix, 40 YWB p. 47 SMR p. 37 LPG p. 7 | |
self-inventory – see also B: blameless inventory | What adult children do in ACA Step Four. We name the acts of abandonment, shame, neglect, and other abuse we experienced as children from our dysfunctional parents. We also identify and take ownership of our adult defects of character and other dysfunctional or abusive behavior. | personal list of dysfunction and abuse experienced in childhood, as well as our adult character defects and dysfunctional or abusive behavior. | Doing my self-inventory in Step Four was very healing, because it was the first time I was able to safely name the abuse and dysfunction that harmed me as a child. | BRB pp. 110, 114, YWB pp. 2, 13 | |
selfish (adj) | Caring only about yourself, without concern for the needs and feelings of other people. | self-centered, egocentric, self-absorbed | My parents often shamed me as selfish for expressing certain needs and feelings, not understanding these needs were completely normal for a child of my age. | BRB pp. 15, 24, 196 YWB pp. 15, 61, 110 SMR pp. 62, 229 LLWB p. 165 LPG pp. 76, 108 | |
selfless (adj) | Caring for the well-being of someone or something without needing to benefit from it personally. | unselfish, altruistic | Healthy service in ACA is done for selfless reasons, because you want to support the program and bring the message to other adult children. | BRB pp. 222, 288 YWB p. 127 SMR pp. 49. 167 | |
self-love (n) | The state of accepting yourself fully, treating yourself with kindness and respect, and nurturing your own well-being. | unconditional love and acceptance for yourself | Self-love is one of the ultimate goals of my ACA recovery program. | BRB pp. 9, 66, 197 YWB pp. 2, 75, 111 SMR pp. 46, 131, 264 LLWB p. 162 LPG pp. 94, 220 ANH pp. 20, 26, 48 | |
self-pity (n) | The state of dwelling or being stuck in your own suffering and negative feelings, without a focus on the possibility to heal or change. A situation in which you feel you are the powerless victim, and are often unable to see a workable solution. | feeling sorry for yourself, stuck in the problem rather than the solution, in victim-mode | When I came to ACA, I was often stuck in self-pity, because I did not believe there was a solution to the pain of childhood trauma. However, working the program has taught me I can change my thought patterns and reactions and live a better life. | BRB pp. 113, 201 YWB pp. 15, 111, 113 SMR pp. 91, 358 LPG p. 219 | |
self-reliant (adj) | Not needing help or support from other people. | self-sufficient, independent | As a child in a dysfunctional family, I had to be self-reliant in order to survive, because my alcoholic parents were often not there to prepare food or help me with schoolwork. | BRB pp. 70, 103, 301 YWB p. 8 SMR p. 91 | |
self-righteous (adj) | Believing you are a more moral and generally a better person than others, and judging them harshly. | sanctimonious | In my self-righteous family, we acted like we were better than other people who were different from us, but secretly we were all filled with self-hate and shame. | BRB p.493 LLWB p. 143 | |
self-worth (n) | The sense that you are a good person, deserving of love and respect. | self-value, belief in your own worth | I believe self-worth is something all people are born with, but it needs to be supported with consistent healthy, loving behavior from our family. | BRB pp. xxiv, 37, 86 YWB pp. 2, 7, 112 SMR pp. 39, 170, 191 LLWB pp. 23, 115, 161 LPG pp. 76, 83-84, 108 ANH p. 69 | |
sequence of recovery (n) – see also S: sequence of the Steps | The order in which we achieve recovery as adult children. It may be different for different people, depending on the recovery path they choose. It often follows the ACA Twelve Steps. | the order in which we achieve recovery | Many adult children say hitting bottom was the first step in their sequence of recovery, and what led them to seek help in ACA. | BRB pp. 346, 387-388, 453-454 | |
sequence of the Steps (n) | The progressive nature of the Twelve Steps, and what each step is meant to bring to the adult child working them. One through Three leads us from admitting we are powerless, to understanding the spiritual nature of recovery. Four and Five are about honest self-examination and sharing this with another person. Steps Six, Seven, and Eight are the removal of our dysfunctional behaviors and making amends to those we have harmed, including ourselves. The remaining Steps are about carrying the message to other adult children still suffering. The order in which the Steps progress is important, because they build on each other. | the progressive order of the Twelve Steps | The sequence of the Steps is important, because I needed the support of my higher power from Steps Two and Three to support me in Steps Four and Five. | BRB pp. 388, 633 YWB p. 185 | |
service structure (n) | The framework for how all service in ACA is organized, for example: chairing a meeting, renting a meeting space, and publishing literature. It works as a replacement for government. The shape of the ACA service structure is an inverted pyramid, with the group conscience at group level at the top. The next level down is intergroups, then service boards and committees, and at the bottom, the WSO. | service network, organization of services in ACA | The ACA service structure consists mostly of volunteers. | BRB pp. 346, 603, 611 | |
setting (n) | 1. The particular place or environment where something happens. 2. The speed, height, or temperature at which a machine can be adjusted. | environment mode, switch | 1. As an adult child, I struggle to feel comfortable and safe in any family setting, for example visiting my in-laws or the family of friends. 2. My hairdryer has three heat settings: cool, warm, and hot. | 1. BRB pp. xvi, 43, 203 YWB pp. 19, 114, 151 SMR pp. 123, 304 LLWB p. 164 LPG pp. 25, 110, 131 2. SMR p. 291 | |
shame attack (n) | A very strong, emotional, and often physical reaction to something that causes us to feel shame. It may include regressing in age emotionally to the time of an original shaming event in our childhood. Shame attacks can lead to full takeovers (see T: takeover). | emotional flashback triggered by shame, strong emotional and physical reaction caused by shame | When my boss criticized my work on the project, I found myself going into a full shame attack in her office. | BRB p. 10 LLWB p. 252 LPG p. 160 |
shame buster (n, informal) | Anything that removes shame. In ACA literature specifically, shame buster refers to Step Four. This Step brings us the clarity that we are not bad or shameful because of what has happened to us, or because of things we may have done. | shame destroyer, something that removes shame | ACA meetings were for me the first shame busters, even before I started working on my Step Four. Hearing other adult children describe situations and feelings just like mine, I realized I was not some monster who deserved all these bad things that happened to me. | BRB p. 152 YWB p. 71 |
shame hit (n, idiom) – also see H: hit, I: inner drugs | A dose of shame, which some adult children may be addicted to and therefore seek out unconsciously. Because adult children grew up feeling shame, it can feel familiar and comfortable, despite being painful. | dose of the shame you are addicted to | I noticed in early recovery that a shame hit made me feel safe, because it was more familiar to me than believing I was worthy and good. | BRB p. 136 YWB p. 48 |
sick (adj) – see also D: dysfunctional | Affected by physical, mental, or spiritual illness or disease. In the ACA literature, this word refers to the disease of family dysfunction, including alcoholism and other addictions. | unwell, dysfunctional (when the disease is the disease of family dysfunction) | While only a few members of my family are alcoholics or addicts, we are all sick in some way, because family dysfunction affects everyone. | BRB pp. 41, 109, 123 YWB pp. 12, 15, 23 SMR pp. 30, 56, 229 LLWB pp. 32, 123-124 LPG pp. 82, 126, ANH p. 68 |
soul rupture (n) – see also A: abandonment rupture | A deep emotional wound from childhood, the damage to the mind and spirit (and potentially body) of an adult child who suffered consistent abandonment from their caregivers. | abandonment wound, abandonment rupture | My soul rupture means I feel extreme fear and emotional pain when I think there might be a problem in my friendships or other relationships. | BRB p. 60 YWB p. 50 SMR p. 188 ANH p. 42 |
spiritual (adj) | Relating to the human soul/spirit/inner self. Usually involves a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves. To be spiritual, in other words focused on the human soul and its greater purpose, you do not need to belong to a particular religion or follow their specific practices. | relating to the human spirit/soul | I understand ACA to be a spiritual program, because it teaches me how to heal my wounded soul through love for myself and others, and a connection to a power greater than myself. | BRB pp. xxii, 75-76, 80 YWB pp. 11, 25, 59 SMR pp. 2, 6, 74 LLWB pp. viii, 22, 88 LPG pp. iv, 38, 218 ANH pp. 18, 20, 24 |
spiritual abuse (n) – see also S: spiritual, R: religious abuse | The use of someone’s religious or spiritual beliefs in a way that causes them harm. This includes emotional, physical, and sexual abuse that occurs within religious or spiritual communities. However, emotional, physical, and sexual spiritual abuse also happens within families, when a parent, partner, or other relative uses religious or spiritual beliefs as justification to control, shame, or otherwise cause harm to their family members. | religious abuse | A child being shamed or punished when they express a belief in god is spiritual abuse. | BRB p. 148 YWB pp. 51, 64 |
spill the beans (v, idiom) | Reveal a secret. | tell a secret, reveal everything, let the cat out of the bag (idiom) | The first time I ever felt safe enough to spill the beans about my abusive childhood was in an ACA meeting. | SMR p. 274 |
sponsee (n) – see also F: fellow traveler, S: sponsor | A person working their Steps and/or general ACA program with a sponsor guiding them. | fellow traveler being guided by a sponsor | As a sponsor, I continue my healing every time I share my experience, strength, and hope with one of my ACA sponsees. | BRB pp. 203, 365-367 ANH pp. 62, 67 |
sponsor (n) – see also F: fellow traveler method | A person who regularly attends ACA meetings, works an active program, and is willing to be available to guide another person through the Steps. A sponsor typically has more time and experience in ACA, and has completed the Steps. However, a difference to other 12 Step groups is that an ACA sponsor and sponsee are seen as equals, rather than in a teacher-student relationship. They generally do not give advice or tell the sponsee what to do. They actively listen, reflect back what they are hearing, help present healthy alternatives to dysfunction, and share what they did in similar situations. Being a sponsor is an important part of later recovery, where we continue our own spiritual growth by guiding another person through the earlier stages of recovery. | mentor, peer support | My sponsor guided me through the Twelve Steps, sharing their own experience, strength, and hope. | BRB pp. 365-367, 370-371 YWB pp. 7, 25, 41-42 SMR pp. 3, 27, 145 LPG pp. 23, 28 ANH p. 32 |
sponsorship (n) – see also C: co-sponsorship, F: fellow traveler method | A relationship in which a member of the program guides another through the ACA Twelve Steps and aspects of basic recovery. In ACA, it is a partnership of equals, not a teacher-student relationship. This is a difference to other 12 Step programs. A peer-to-peer relationship works better for adult children, because they often struggle with authority figures. | peer-to-peer help with ACA recovery | Sponsorship is beneficial to both people in the relationship. One person receives guidance and support from someone with more experience in ACA, while the other person strengthens their own recovery by sharing what they have learned. | BRB pp. 368-371 YWB pp. 41-42, 187 SMR p. 27 LPG pp. 218. 236 ANH p. 67 |
stand up for (v, idiom) | Speak or act in support of someone. | defend, advocate for | As a child, I don’t remember ever having my parents stand up for me – everything was always my fault. As an adult in recovery, I am learning that first I need to learn how to stand up for myself. | BRB pp. 15, 587 YWB pp. 48, 79 SMR pp. 92, 171, 278 LLWB pp. 66, 68-69 LPG pp. 66, 109, 145 ANH p. 34 |
stand up to (v, idiom) | Actively defend yourself or someone/something against attack or unfair circumstances. | confront | In ACA I am learning how to appropriately stand up to dysfunctional people when it is appropriate. I don’t explode in anger, but try to calmly and firmly state my feelings and boundaries. | BRB p. 374 LPG pp. 166, 199 |
stuck (adj) | To be fixed in a particular place or situation, unable to move or change. | trapped, caught, unable to move/progress | When I came to ACA, I was stuck in my unhealthy behaviors, because I had no idea how to change them. Reparenting and working the Twelve Steps is finally helping me alter my negative patterns. | BRB pp. 26, 50, 67 YWB pp. 108, 113, 114 SMR pp. 67, 91, 206 LLWB pp. 110, 154 LPG pp. 24, 92, 110 ANH p. 40 |
stuck grief (n) – see also G: grief, L: loss | Feelings of loss and abandonment, as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, and abuse. We were unable to safely express these emotions as children in a dysfunctional family, so they stayed with us. While me may have the memory of the specific events that resulted in loss, the accompanying emotions are trapped behind denial, fear, and our own defense mechanisms. These keep us numb and disconnected from our true emotions. Stuck grief remains with us, sometimes making itself known as physical pain, illness, and/or depression, until we arrive in a safe space such as ACA. There we can finally feel the feelings and release them as they arrive. | stored grief, repressed feelings of loss and abandonment | I released a lot of stuck grief when I did my Step Four trauma and abandonment inventories. | BRB pp. 150, 202, 331 YWB pp. 70, 114 SMR pp. 86, 368 ANH p. 41 |
stuff feelings (v, idiom) | In English we often say we are stuffed when we have eaten so much food that our stomachs are uncomfortably full. Stuffing feelings can be understood in a similar way. When we are afraid to feel our emotions openly, we repress them, or figuratively speaking, we swallow them. They do not go away, but remain inside us, causing discomfort of some kind until we eventually release them. | repress emotions, bottle up emotions (idiom) | I was an expert in the ability to stuff feelings for much of my life. No matter what was going on around me, I had a smile on my face. But on the inside, I was getting more and more full of all the years of repressed fear, sadness, and anger. | BRB p. 193 YWB p. 108 SMR p. 131 LLWB p. 98 LPG p. 173 |
substance abuser (n) | A person who regularly uses alcohol and/or drugs of any kind to numb emotional pain. This term is used separately from that of addict, as a substance abuser may or may not have a physical or psychological addiction. | substance misuser, alcohol/drug misuser | Although I never became physically addicted to anything, before recovery I was a regular substance abuser. I used alcohol, drugs, and food to numb the pain I felt all the time. | BRB p. xx LLWB p. 32 |
substance abuse (n) | The uncontrolled use of alcohol and/or any kind of drug. The official medical diagnosis of substance abuse has now been changed to Substance use disorder. It is distinct from the term addiction, because it does not attempt to define whether or not physical or psychological addiction is present. | Substance use disorder, drug misuse | Many adult children turn to substance abuse to numb the grief caused by growing up in a dysfunctional family. | BRB pp. xx, 82 SMR p. 135 |
support group (n) | A group of people who organize around a common problem or experience, and provide each other with comfort, encouragement, and help. | self-help group, 12 Step group (for groups following the Twelve Steps) | I find support groups a helpful addition to therapy, because they give me a chance to interact with other people who understand my issues. | BRB pp. 34, 348 YWB pp. 62, 148 SMR pp. 107, 331 LLWB p. 126 LPG pp. 63, 129 ANH pp. 64, 79 |
sureness of foot (n, idiom) | A state of mind in which you feel confident and trust in your ability to do something. | feeling of confidence | When I first started ACA, I felt very awkward and uncomfortable sharing in meetings. After a few months, however, I can now speak with sureness of foot. | YWB p. 78
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survival (n) | The state of continuing to exist, especially despite difficult circumstances. | staying alive | I was in a state of survival for many years, but ACA is helping me move on to actually enjoying my life, not just protecting it. | BRB pp. 72, 112, 335 YWB pp. 14, 26, 97 SMR pp. 5, 123, 164 LLWB p. 143, 154 |
survival (adj) | Something that helps a person or thing stay alive, especially in difficult or dangerous circumstance. | life-saving | Survival skills include knowing how to protect your body in a dangerous situation, but they can also include knowing how to protect your soul in a dysfunctional family. | BRB pp. 98, 105, 256 YWB pp. 3, 5, 10 SMR pp. 163, 185, 188 LLWB pp. 43, 86, LPG pp. 11, 17, 24 ANH pp. 32, 34 |
survival traits/survival Traits (n) – see also L: Laundry List | Another name for the Laundry List traits. Fear-and-shame-based characteristics that the adult child was forced to develop in order to survive growing up in a dysfunctional family. The Laundry List and the Other Laundry List each describe 14 specific survival traits adult children have in common, which kept us safe by making us people pleasers, invisible, and submissive. Or, in terms of the Other Laundry List, by becoming victimizers ourselves. These traits also represent the internalization of our parents’/caregivers’ behavior. | common behaviors, Laundry List traits | My survival traits, such as isolating myself and people-pleasing, kept me relatively safe from the dysfunction and abuse as a child. However, as an adult they are stopping me from living a full life and having healthy, meaningful relationships. | BRB pp. 22, 71, 111 YWB pp. 14, 72, 79 SMR pp. 22, 97, 241 LLWB pp. vii LPG pp. 26, 170, 172 ANH pp. 34, 50 |
surrender (n) | The action of giving your power and control to someone or something. | Handing over, yielding | Surrender for many adult children means finally asking for help. | BRB pp. 76, 93 YWB p. 2 SMR pp. 4, 165 LPG p. 107, 216 ANH pp. 10, 34 |
surrender (v) | Give up your power and control to someone and/or something else. | give up control to, turn yourself over to | Part of daily recovery for me is remembering to surrender other people’s behavior to my higher power, because I can only change myself. | BRB pp. xxii, 112 YWB p. 14 SMR pp. 254, 264, 288 LPG pp. 22, 173 ANH pp. 10, 34 |
survive (v) | Stay alive, especially despite dangerous or difficult situations. | stay alive, make it through (idiom) | In order to survive physically, children of alcoholics and/or dysfunctional families often have to shut down emotionally. | BRB pp. xxvii, 62, 72 YWB pp. 3, 4, 10 SMR pp. 5, 26, 241 LLWB pp. 66, 80, 98 LPG pp. 12, 28, 66 ANH pp. 10, 16, 20 |
sweeping off our side of the street (v, idiom) | A 12 Step program phrase which means focusing on ourselves, our own issues and faults, rather than on other people and their actions and faults. Figuratively speaking, my side of the street is my responsibility alone to keep clean and tidy. Your side of the street is your responsibility to keep clean, not mine. | focusing on our own actions, rather than those of others | When making amends to others, it is important for us to keep sweeping off our side of the street, rather than commenting on the behavior of the other person. | BRB p. 232 YWB p. 134 |
T | ||||
take a breather (v, idiom, informal) | Stop the activity you are doing and rest for a moment. | take a break (idiom) | When my Step work becomes too overwhelming, I take a breather and do something calming like take a walk or play with my dog. | BRB p. 138 YWB p. 57 SMR p. 291 |
take action (v, idiom) | Do something decisively to solve a problem or achieve a goal. | act, take steps (idiom) | The more I take action in recovery, rather than just waiting for something to happen, the more growth I achieve. | BRB pp. 70, 286, 326 YWB pp. 178, 188 SMR pp. 11, 138, 216 LPG pp. 7, 41, 130 |
takeover (n) | A situation when we are deeply triggered, and the inner family member who experienced the original trauma takes over control of our adult conscious thinking and action. | A situation in which an inner family member temporarily takes control of our consciousness. | When someone took the parking space I wanted, I became so angry that I screamed at the person and hit my car. I totally overreacted, and understood later it was because I was in a takeover from my angry inner teen. | LPG pp. 42, 90, 127 |
terrified of abandonment (adj) | Deeply afraid of being rejected and alone in life. A child’s survival is dependent on the presence of their caregivers to provide food, shelter, love, and care. As adult children we did not receive all that we needed in childhood, so this deep fear of being rejected and left alone stays with us. | deeply afraid of rejection and being alone | Because I am terrified of abandonment, I have stayed in some very unhealthy relationships as an adult, simply to avoid being alone. | BRB pp. xi, 17-18, 135 YWB pp. 47, 110, 157 SMR pp. 113, 311, 385 LLWB pp. 120, 123, 154 LPG p. 227 ANH p. 68 |
trait/Trait (n) | A particular characteristic or quality of a person that can influence their behavior. When Trait is spelled with a capital T in the ACA literature, it refers specifically to the 14 Laundry List and Other Laundry List traits. | characteristic | In recovery I have learned that I have positive traits like empathy and resilience, as well as the adult child Traits that now affect my life negatively. | BRB pp. xxxiv, 10, 14 YWB pp. 3, 10, 11 SMR pp. 5, 22, 70 LLWB pp. vii, 16, 46 LPG pp. 8, 42, 64 ANH pp. 10, 44 |
transfixed (adj) | Unable to stop looking at or participating in something, because it is so interesting or compelling. | fascinated, captivated | In the past I was transfixed by other people’s drama and gossip because it was a way to avoid looking at my own issues. | BRB pp. 256, 437 YWB p. 151 |
trigger (n) | A sight, smell, sound, thought, feeling, or action that causes a strong, sometimes overwhelming reaction because it reminds us of a past trauma. We may feel fear, shame, sadness, anxiety, anger, or a combination of these emotions. This is because the trigger returns us temporarily to the emotional state of the original trauma. | stimulus for strong emotions associated with a past trauma, catalyst for strong emotions associated with a past trauma | Being criticized is a big trigger for me. I immediately feel like a shamed, 4-year-old child. Other triggers include the smell of alcohol, and hearing people arguing. | BRB pp. 184, 253, YWB pp. 99, 100, 149 SMR pp. 9, 79, 131 LPG pp. 42, 64 |
trigger (v) | Cause strong, sometimes overwhelming reactions of fear, sadness, anxiety, and/or anger because it reminds us of a past trauma. | activate strong emotions associated with a past trauma | Being interrupted when I am speaking can trigger my inner teenager’s anger, but I am learning to take a deep breath when it happens and pause before acting out those feelings. | BRB pp. 16, 119, 452 YWB pp. 20, 78, 153 SMR pp. 15, 184, 238 LLWB pp. 92, 166 LPG pp. iv, 5, 10 ANH p. 62 |
troubled (adj) | 1. Having problems or difficulties. 2. Feeling distressed, anxious. | 1. beset with problems 2. distressed, upset | 1. My family growing up was troubled; there were regular financial struggles, codependency, enmeshment, and mental health issues. 2. It was obvious to everyone that I was a troubled child, but no one understood I was suffering from emotional neglect and abuse. | 1. BRB pp. xix, xxii, 82 ANH p. 43 2. BRB pp. 147, 266 YWB pp. 62, 164 SMR p. 145 LPG p. 224 |
true self/True Self (n) – see also F: false self, I: inner child | The original person, being, or soul that we were born as. This part of us knows how to love and trust. For adult children, the true self was forced into hiding in the subconscious, to protect itself from the shame, abandonment, and fear that comes from family dysfunction. A false self of Laundry List traits, addictive behaviors, and codependency took its place. The goal of recovery is to bring the true self out of hiding and reconnect with it. Some ACA members believe the true self is the inner child. | original self, authentic self | Through ACA recovery I am slowing reconnecting with my true self. For me that means being able to feel all my feelings without judgement or fear, and learning what I actually like and don’t like, rather than doing what other people expect from me. | BRB pp. xiii, 106, 298 YWB pp. 10, 165, 176 SMR pp. 134, 232, 262 LLWB pp. 3, 13, 32 LPG pp. 13, 47-48, 77 ANH pp. 20, 42 |
trustworthy (adj) | Someone or something that is deserving of our trust, because they are truthful, dependable, and safe. | honorable, dependable | My ACA sponsor was one of the first trustworthy people I met in recovery; she was honest and open about her thoughts and feelings, and always did what she said she would do. | BRB pp. 188, 262, 641 YWB p. 190 SMR p. 83 LPG pp. 67, 82 ANH p. 46 |
turn things over to my higher power (v, idiom) | Give control or responsibility over something to my higher power. | relinquish things to my higher power, let go of something and give it to my higher power | If I feel overwhelmed by fear or anger, I get a lot of relief when turn things over to my higher power and say “I can’t do this alone.”. | BRB p. 208 YWB p. 117 SMR p. 302 |
U | ||||
unfeeling self (n) – see also D: divided self and F: feeling self | The public part of the divided self, that must exist out in the world. The unfeeling self fights to remain detached from emotions and vulnerability. | masked public persona | My unfeeling self allowed me to appear very successful and confident in the business world, but home alone I felt like a frightened, anxious child. | BRB pp. 358, 360 |
unselfish (adj) | The quality of thinking about what is good for other people, not only what is good for you. | not selfish, considerate | ACA has taught me that it is possible to both look after my own needs, as well as be an unselfish person who helps others when I can. | BRB p. 261 YWB p. 161 |
upbringing (n) | The treatment and teaching that a child receives from their parents/caregivers. | parenting, the way a child is raised | Even if the details of our childhoods are different, adult children can relate to each other because we all had a dysfunctional upbringing. | BRB pp. xiii, 7, 22 YWB pp. 4, 6, 12 SMR pp. 93, 97, 175 LLWB p. 2 LPG pp. 12, 81, 92 ANH pp. 12, 34 |
upon me (preposition) | A more formal way to say ‘on me’. | on me | Before recovery, I constantly felt a heavy pressure and sadness weighing upon me. | BRB p. 227 YWB p. 131 |
V | ||||
victim (n) | A person who is killed, injured, or otherwise suffers from the actions of another person, or a situation in which they have no control. | sufferer, casualty | As a child I was a victim of the abuse and dysfunction in my family, but as an adult I have control over my actions and choices. This recognition was an important step in my recovery. | BRB pp. xxxvi, 14, 114 YWB pp. 15, 29, 96 SMR pp. 58, 89, 121 LLWB pp. 33, 44, 155 LPG pp. 103, 186 ANH p. 68 |
victimize (v) | Harm someone physically and/or emotionally. | abuse | I was victimized as a child by abusive adults, but as an adult I can victimize myself with dysfunctional, self-harming behavior. | BRB pp. 176, 455, 647 YWB pp. 94, 185 SMR pp. 114, 246, 339 LLWB p. 22 |
victimizer (n) | Someone who harms or mistreats another person. | abuser | An important step in my ACA recovery was accepting that I can also be a victimizer, lashing out cruelly at my family or coworkers when I feel challenged or unheard. | BRB pp. 455, 633, 647 YWB p. 185 SMR p. 246 LLWB pp. vii, 33, 42 LPG p. 226 ANH p. 70 |
victim plateau (n) | A point in recovery when a person struggles to move beyond seeing themselves as a victim. In this mindset, the adult child feels full of shame and unable to be helped and healed. | being stuck in the victim mindset | Doing an honest Fourth and Fifth Step and giving my shame over to my higher power helped me move out of the victim plateau. | BRB p. 198 YWB p. 111 |
victim posture (n) | An adult child mindset where we wrongly see ourselves as permanent victims, unable to have any effect on the negative things that happen in life. There is also often a lack of self-accountability, where we don’t see our own role in the problem. | victim stance, victim mindset | Adults stuck in the victim posture still see themselves as the helpless children they were when they lived with their dysfunctional caregivers. | BRB p. 197 YWB p. 111 SMR p. 58 |
voice-shame (n) | A sense of shame and self-consciousness that comes from hearing ourselves speak. | shame we feel when hearing ourselves speak | Voice-shame caused me to fear speaking in ACA meetings, but over time I found the confidence to tell my story. | BRB p. 441 |
W | ||||
walk on eggshells (v, idiom) | Behave in a cautious manner, so you do not upset or offend someone. | behave cautiously, tread carefully (idiom) | As children, we all had to walk on eggshells around my angry father. We were careful about what we said and how we said it, because he could easily erupt in a rage at the smallest thing. | BRB p. 192 YWB p. 107 |
walking wounded (n, idiom) | People who have been damaged emotionally. People whose wounds you cannot see, so they may appear healthy. | people with unseen emotional wounds, people with psychological rather than physical trauma | When I was younger, I was one of the walking wounded; I appeared normal and successful to the world, but inside I was in great pain as an untreated adult child. | BRB pp. 71, 199 YWB p. 112 SMR p. 286 |
whipped (adj, idiom) | Exhausted, extremely tired. | exhausted, worn out (idiom) | I am often completely whipped after a session with my sponsor. The heavy emotional work is very exhausting. | BRB p. 217 YWB p. 124 |
were completely at the mercy of others (adj) | In a situation where others had complete power over you and you were not able to protect yourself from harm. | were defenseless against, were unprotected against | Me and my siblings were completely at the mercy of my dysfunctional parents and other adults in our lives. | SMR p. 44 |
while (n) | a period of time, most often used with the indefinite article a, as in a while. | period of time | Recovery takes a while; it is important to try and be patient with ourselves as we heal. | BRB p. 55 SMR p. 86. 135, 186 LLWB pp. 33, 86, 121 LPG pp. 24, 61 ANH p. 60 |
while (conjunction) | 1. at the same time as 2. a word used to show contrast or partial conflict between two facts or situations | 1. when, at the same time as 2. although | 1. I do not look at my phone while I am sitting in a meeting. I try to stay completely focused on the person speaking. 2. While ACA recovery can be very painful at times, it also brings clarity, freedom, and joy. | 1. BRB pp. xviii, 3, 34 YWB pp. 12, 24, 27 SMR pp. 6, 13, 40 LLWB pp. ix, 3, 12 LPG pp. 6, 32, 37 ANH pp. 34, 42 2. BRB pp. xiv, 8, 10 YWB pp.14, 19, 21 SMR pp. 49, 55, 101 LLWB pp. vii, 46, 142 LPG pp. 18, 22, 25 ANH pp. 6, 10, 28 |
wipe the slate clean (v, idiom) | Make a decision to forgive past mistakes or problems and start again, as if these things had never happened. | forgive and forget, make a fresh start | I made amends to the coworker I had argued with and we agreed to wipe the slate clean. | SMR pp. 185, 224 |
workaholic (n) | A person who works compulsively and an excessive amount. Workaholics find it difficult to stop working, even when it is having negative consequences on their health and personal life. | someone who works a lot and compulsively | A workaholic does not have a healthy work-life balance. | BRB pp. 54, 128, 419 YWB pp. 35, 154 SMR pp. 94, 263 LLWB pp. 32, 255 LPG p. 226 ANH pp. 14, 68 |
workbook (n) | A book containing instruction and practical exercises about a specific study subject. | exercise book | The “Loving Parent Guidebook” is a recovery workbook with information and practical exercises on developing an inner loving parent. | BRB pp. viii, 332 YWB pp. 13, 19 SMR pp. vii, 98, 188 LLWB p. vii, LPG pp. 1, 226, 235 ANH pp. 6, 15, 63 |
workplace laundry list (n) – see L: Laundry List | A list of 24 statements that describe typical adult child issues in the workplace. It is adapted from the original Laundry List. | list of typical adult child problems in the workplace | Reading the workplace laundry list helped me see I was reacting to my boss in the same way as I reacted to my abusive mother. | BRB pp. 416-417 |
World Service Office/WSO (n) | The central agency for the ACA program. The WSO collects and sends out meeting information, creates and publishes ACA literature, and provides information about ACA to the general public. | The ACA central agency | The WSO has a list on their website of all active ACA meetings around the world. | BRB pp. 509-510, 546, 611 SMR pp. 68. 219 LLWB p. 267 LPG p. iv, 235 ANH pp. 6, 77 |
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