Putting the ”N” in news
April 20th, 2017
How to Cook your dragon:
By Jean Babtise -Chief Field Reporter
Salutations brave explores, it is Jean Baptise, braving the deadly jungles of Neden to bring you the most exotic and tasty treats our nation provides.
Our first stop is the Neden Nature Preserve, through a careful process of delicately not mowing our front lawn, we have seamlessly and intentionally turned this once barren grassland into a wild preserve, with weeds shoulders high and teeming with ginraffes and chasertahs and even the dreaded Fruit Punch Elephante.
Naturally this verdant paradise of savagery is home to the most dangerous creatures Neden ever has. Only the most vaunted of salesmen even attempt to brave this forest of fear.
So naturally I decided not to go, to scary, it’s better indoors with the shade and pillows and no spleen eating tigers.
But that’s hardly news, right? I can’t just write an article about the best ways to sleep, Dresden rejected it.
Fortunately, there is something more courageous then even the most devoted paladin, to whom foolhardy is just another word for adventure.
It’s a drunk intern.
So, after like, 2 bottles of LTD and an audio-scrying eyeball strapped to his forehead. We sent… um… whoever his name was. Let’s just call him Timmy.
And Timmy went to action! You should have seen him, he was like a wobbly, uncoordinated avenging angel. It was fantastic.
But here is the real question. When a drunk intern sets your lawn on fire, what do you do?
Why host a barbecue! Which we conveniently are doing. So, let’s talk about how to make your own nedenburger.
The first and most important thing to know is that, without any identifiable traits contrary all ground meat is USDA Prime sirloin. So just get whatever is dead and call it what you will.
Once you have your patties you got to season them. Purist only use salt and pepper but I prefer to use tears. They have a similar salt content but you can mark it up because it seems profound, like sea salt.
“The Case of the Magic Man and the Never-ending Winter”
by Sir Syruss O’Leary of Neden
“No fog”, I thought…” Strange…” whenever I seem to be having a gut feeling while walking in a park there always seems to be fog…. Fog and one Street lamp dimly lit….and always a shadowy figure…
But today it was perfect. The sun was shining, the grass was green, flowers were starting to bloom, Gia truly seemed happy this day.
I was passing by a quaint little merchant who was selling Neden touristy stuff from a cart. Signs saying Dark One bless this old castle, little Cart License plates with Sam, Sean, Spencer, Silus and of course …. wait no Syruss?!?! Why are there never any vanity plates with my name!!!!! I mean Silus come on…
He had Hats and Neden House shirts of all sizes and these Snow Globes, these little fancy snow globes - small extremely detailed, strangely compelling snow globes.
There was one snow globe that I couldn’t take my eye off. The Neden Castle was perfect, the front lawn flawless, heck he even had birds in there that appeared to be slowly moving in time. The whole scenery was mesmerizing, as if the Great Sal Bandini had me behind his swinging pocket watch, ready to make me cluck like a chicken.
The day in that globe looked perfect. “Man I wish every day could be like this globe” I said unsuspectingly.
“Did someone say WISH?!?!?!” The Merchant exclaimed jumping in the air, removing his rob to unveil a blue faced man in yellow attire with a yellow hat…. This guy’s whole outfit screamed he should own a pet monkey….
“O NO! NOT YOU!! NOT….” I was cut off
“MAGIC MAN!!!!!!” He screamed with delight.
Then it happened, the hairs on my neck stood at attention like a Cog meeting his Baron for the first time. The air grew chilly, the snow globe lifted out of my hand in a magical swirl, landing in the Magical Menace’s Mitt.
He instantly started shaking the globe, and suddenly and without warning the ground began to quake in an unprecedented fashion.
****Schlitz Warp Portal Sound******* Sir Naj and Sir Grebinar appeared out of one of Sir Naj’s portals.
“Holy Moly, Is Dresden attempting to Learn Runes again?” Naj asked frantically.
“Afraid not” I replied.
“Not this guy…Man I hate this guy…. remember when he turned you into a giant Foot Syruss?” Grebinar inquired
How could I ever forget that or the time he stole my sandwich or when he turned me and Grebs into worms or this thing he is doing right now…yeah let’s focus on this current awful thing… You see Magic Man is the kind of person who admits his wrongdoings. He is proud of the fact that he is gaudy, gleeful, flamboyant, splendiferous, overly bright, blithe, ecstatic, and jolly soul who is out to teach a "magical life lesson" to all who will listen… that he is a jerk. Magic Man is extremely annoying, bothersome, mischievous, and blameworthy, so he enjoys inflicting misery on other people, he reminds me a lot of…well, any of the Neden boys really. One his pranks included forcing me and Grebinar to experience the food chain by turning us into different organisms, and he injected Grebinar with a sleep-inducing substance to send him to Grebinar World….DO NOT ASK. Magic Man is also very apathetic and emotionless, so he refuses to take responsibility for his actions which makes him very, very, dangerous. It is like trying to teach a baby Troll not to color on the walls, not only do they not get it they don’t care….
“I am at the beginning of sorrow, and the end of sickness. You cannot express happiness without me, yet I am in the midst of crosses. I am always in risk, yet never in danger. You may find me in the sun, but I am never out of darkness.”
Solve my riddle and I will let you go from this globe of Ice and snow…….” The Magic Menace screamed.
“That’s not a riddle, it is more like poorly worded word play at best” I shouted back.
“COMING UP WITH RIDDLES ON THE SPOT IS HARD!!!” he shouted, before vanishing into the storm……
“Naj what does your Magic top Hat tell us about Magic man? Anything useful?” Grebinar bellowed over the howling winds….
Sir Naj removed his top hat, unveiling his majestic brunette locks flowing in the vicious winds. Despite the winds raging like a 2-year-old that found out he could not have Ice Crème Naj’s hair like his composure was perfect. He peered into his Magic Hat and small blue letters start to form on the inside….
“ It says he possesses an immense amount of magical power. He can teleport and transform objects and creatures with ease and he can bestow sentience upon inanimate objects…. But maybe this will be useful it says right hear also able to create a large time bubble that can slow down movements and sensations……… Perhaps that is what we are in now? Some sort of Time Loop?” Naj deduced….
“First things first we need to get back to the Castle and batten down all the hatches for this storm, then we can figure out the riddle. Naj port us to the Castle STAT” I instructed.
*****Krackle Zip Splurt Wizz Portal Sound Kaboom***
Within an instant we were out of the freezing temperatures and into the warm embrace of the Castles roaring fires.
“HOLY MOLY.WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?” Lord Nymbous bellowed running in the hallway.
Wind whistled through the hallways like 1,000 pre-school goblins playing kazoo’s poorly.
“GUMBO, DITCH, CABBY - Go lock down the Windows in the East Corridor and make sure the Vault is secure” I Ordered.
“SARRIX, JB, ZODIARK - Go check on the Omega Level Creatures in the West Corridor, make sure the Whisky Fairies don’t escape and the Nacho Dragon doesn’t destroy the place. “my instructions were swift but they were not the only ones.
“Naj, Priest Z - work on figuring out what we can do to calm this Magical storm.” Nymbous Ordered
“Rawlin, Siff - get to library make sure the windows get barricaded and make sure none of the scrolls were damaged. When you are done, link up with Priest Z and see if you guys can help figure out how to stop this magical maelstrom.” The Lord Commanded
“Blacky, Pierce, Dresden - get to the South…………” Nymbous was cut short by a deafening sound that drowned out the whistling wind….
BANG BOOM BANNG BAAANG BAAAAANG
The Front Door was being bullied with a barrage of bangs and slams from the other side…
“Forget whatever I was saying before everyone on me we’re about to have trouble.” Nymbous Commanded his hands glowing blue with energy….
Sir Blacky and Sir Grebinar Grabbed two 6’6’s off the wall…. Grebinar donned a mighty Blue Cape and Sir Blacky tossed Grebinar a trinket of some sort. Soon the two Grew Two Feet taller their skin turned a soft shade of Green and the vocabulary went out the window…
“We brothers can do anything Grebs” Sir Blacky yelled
“Yeah Trolinar is going to smash things up real good……. GREBS SMASH” Grebs screamed
With less pressure on Grebinar and Blacky due to intragroup confrontations between snowmen they were free to attack Casper.
Grebinar jumped into the air slashing fiercely at Casper’s head while Blacky rushed low thrusting repeatedly with his 6’6 trying to impale this menace towards the wall.
Casper gracefully stepping side to side avoiding each deadly thrust of Blacky’s 6’6. He was having a harder time simultaneously ducking each of Grebinar’s swings.
**DUCK***MISS**SWOOOSH***DUCK***PARY**Armor One Arm***DUCK MISS but barely**
He could no longer fend off both Neden boys
With that he side-stepped Blacky and grabbed the on-coming sword. His decaying Zombie like hands ripped open as if they were a long-awaited letter from a loved one…. The skin pealing back, green puss pouring out, scrapping to the bone.
He had the sword clinched down and with all his might snatch it from Sir Troll Blacky and with the same motion spun around impaling Blacky through the throat with his own Sword….
“Brother…gargle…I’m...gargle…Slain” Blackie’s final words as he slump to his knees. The end of the spear caught the ground prompting Blacky’s body up in a pray like position.
This enraged Grebinar who was fighting at his best. With each slash Casper felt he was getting closer to defeat..
Grebinar swung left ***armor 1 chest** Came down with a thunder ***armor 1 head***
Casper knew if he kept this fight up he was doomed, he reached deep into his bag of tricks…Pulling a Vile out his pocket while trying to avoid being decapitated by this Blood Thirsty Trolinar…
****Feugo Acidtrium**** he whisper into the vile…...Now glowing purple..
Casper threw the Vile with all his might…
Grebinar with Heighten reflexes avoided the incoming projectile with ease.
“Ha Missed” Grebinar gloated
“Did I?” Casper Smirked
Grebinar turned around to see the purple goo dissolving the Corpse of Blacky…Some sort of Magical Acid…
“RAWWWWWWW” Grebinar SCREAMED While Bringing His 6’6 hurling towards Casper’s head. But just before the blade struck its mark Grebinar’s arms began to melt…drip…drip…drip - in an instant Grebinar was just another puddle on the floor in this hall of melted foes.
Dresden, Naj and Lord Nymbous were lighting up the Snowmen hoard, exploding most of them where they stood..
*****Magic Missile Magic Missile******Lightning Bolt******Magic Missile****Lightning Bolt*
There magical barrage of bully beating bullets was the envy of any would be casters who could have cast vision and witness the marvel.
Razmith and Dith and I had our opening…..
I Flanked left, Razmith Right and Dith the mad man was killing everything he could up the middle.
He approached two snowmen ripped the carrots from their faces and proceed to 1000 palm strike them into puddles on the ground. In the time, it takes a Tanguanese Chef to cut a carrot to pieces Dith destroyed dominated and devoured his competition…. No literally when he was done he ate the carrots…
“See boys sometimes the carrot works better than the stick” Dith pun’d
“BoOOOOOoooooo” I shouted as I Smashed through another undead snowman.
As Dith smashed another snowman in the face exploding him “What too on the Nose?” Dith pun’d again
With that said Razmith caught up to Casper. Brought his Scimitar down on Casper’s Head.
Casper caught the blade between his two hands in a swift but accurate clap. However, Razmith was stronger the blade started to slowly go down piercing Casper’s forehead. Dith from out of nowhere wrapped his arms around the front of Casper’s legs and in one big motion picked him up and slammed him on the ground. Casper stunned got to one knee as DIth delivered a Final Furious Flying Uppercut….
He hit him so hard, the word **POW*** spontaneously materialized out of thin air…
He hit him so hard, Casper’s head flew off his shoulder and landed on a spear in Lord Nymbous’s private Spear Rack 20 ft. across the room….
With Casper defeated the undead snowmen stopped attacking….
“We still need to deal with this storm!!!” Nymbous commanded “Naj go check on Z and the gang see where they are at with this stupid snow”
“Dresden go call Grebinar’s and Blacky’s soul” I instructed.
“Ha on the nose” I laughed…” On the nose?”
it got me thinking about the riddle…
“I am at the beginning of sorrow, and the end of sickness.
You cannot express happiness without me, yet I am in the midst of crosses.
I am always in risk, yet never in danger.
You may find me in the sun, but I am never out of darkness.”
The stupid Magic Man wasn’t looking for a profound answer, heck he was looking for an obvious answer… I should have known he never wants to teach a real lesson He is just a Sociopath…and you can’t spell sociopath with
“S” I scream… “The answer to your dumb riddle is S!!!!!”
SWISH SWIRL PORP
“Oi you solved my little riddle well good for you…But I am still not going to fix this winter.” He said
“Why not” Nymbous Asked
“Because I am a Jerk! Hahahahahahaha” The Magic Man cackled. Magic Missile*** Lightning Bolt**** Magic Missile **throwing spear***
Spells and weapons from every angle was being hurled at the floating jerk…
Small portals appeared before anything could touch Magic man redirecting them elsewhere in the room.
“Ok…Ok, fine you spoil sports” Magic Man said and with that he threw Nymbous the globe…” That will be two gold”
Jayce tossed two coins at Magic man who caught it and vanished….
Nymbous and I carefully walked the Globe to the Vault. As we set in down and the snow in globe began to fade the snow outside also settled…and then melted…and then the lands were normal…
“OK Everyone I think I know how to stop the snow” Priest Z said walking the main hall covered in blood followed by two new petitioners and absent from anyone Nymbous sent to help him “We are just going to need more volunteers”
“Uh….It’s Uh…It’s all set” I said with an odd look on my face.
“ Oh… in that case I am going to need a dozen call the souls”
“Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha” The Crowd roared with laughter
There was an awkward silence…
“I am serious” Priest Z said with little expression.
Well with that mess behind us the only thing left two do is re-plan the BBQ. Which we hope you all will show up and bear witness to our New War Trophy, Casper’s Head on a spike. I mean come for the food, games, prizes, magical artifacts but stay for that sweet, sweet. satisfaction of a rebellion quelled.
To those of you who quested to help clean up our lands this past year thank you and stay toon faithful listeners for Chapter 2 of Neden Questing.
Word search & CROSSWORD! – FIRST SUBMISSION TO GET DRAWN FROM NAJ’S HAT GETS A BLUE KAZOO!
C T G R D K P G W B G Q L D E I I H S H
L L V Q B B R H T N X U A J E M V U K V
D O D D G Q S Q E U O S M K H X Z D E N
B B D U M A E L T S A C H Q E J B E L I
X G O J A F U J E W F N K I H B W I E Q
L N S Y P C C H S Q J K S E M E H Y T V
Q I X L I G T C D W E S Z W U A N A O D
W N T H W L A I O S K Q C N O N N J N A
K T N W L S O D O G X V I N R D B R L L
O H E A P I S D T T D S N O W G L O B E
C G C E L F M E V N M L L L I J V F P C
F I R N N D A T M G B G K N Q H W P H Z
G L I K T T Q K H A O X C Q F M T X B H
K V R H M Z W P Z B G O G W D W J D S J
K S T D A R A K V S P I Z W C B K B W D
J I D B I M R F Z P B A C A Y S Z Y K V
D G H A A J Y U C N I J M M K J G F E X
W X W N G D D H L G G S X T A L H B E Y
W L W M R S A F A K D O C C M N O I W X
K U W Z C W F K R F G H F A T J O K Q V
3. Gau Dring Leader
4. A "revolt"ing villain indeed
7. I've seen you before! Your face looks so ____
9. Neden's Casino
10. One of Neden's cities
11. First of name
1. Long weapon. Long.
2. Makes an in-house Neden magic item a real one
5. Duke of Neden
6. Neden's Master of Coin
8. never be caught unarmed with this spell