THINGS X-COM OPERATIVES ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO - By RogueVector
SPACEBATTLES LINK || REDDIT THREAD LINK
‘RUNNING THE ASYLUM’ - Shorts based on this list - can be found here.
1. Saying 'oops, I missed' does NOT excuse missing a shot by that much.
1a. Nor does claiming 'I hit exactly what I aimed at'.
1ai. Even if it hits an X-Ray.
1aii. Even if it hits an EXALT Operative.
1aiii. Even if it ricochets and starts a catastrophic chain reaction of events which clears the entire X-Ray landing site.
2. Snorting or otherwise ingesting powdered Sectoid DOES NOT grant psychic powers.
2a. The case with Major [REDACTED] was a coincidence.
2b. Neither do Sectoid Commander or Ethereal materials.
2c. Ingesting Thin Man biological materials will be its own punishment.
2d. None of the X-Rays tastes like chicken, no matter the sauce or cooking method.
2di. Please forward any AIRs (After Ingestion Reports) to Dr. Vahlen.
2e. With the recent discovery of Elerium; no. Just… no.
3. Mixing an Alien Grenade with the potatoes was not funny the first time, even if the elerium cores have been removed. Kitchen staff DO NOT appreciate when their sacks suddenly start beeping.
3a. The noodles here are not made from Sectoid fingers.
3ai. Even if one was found in last night’s Spaghetti Surprise. (Yes, I am aware of the irony).
3b. The reverse is even worse.
4. Stop referring to the base security personnel and rookies as ‘cannon fodder’, ‘D-Class’ and/or ‘redshirts’. This is negatively affecting morale.
4a. Personnel caught in violation of this order will be issued one red shirt one size too small, and be required to wear it for the next 24 hours. They are also considered off the combat roster.
4b. Rookies are not to be called ‘Tactical Ablative Armor’. Calling them ‘Taa-taas’ is also frowned upon, whether they know the meaning of the acronym or not.
5. Shaving the head is NOT required for psionic operatives.
5a. Neither is the mohawk.
5b. Just a general reminder that psi troops have PSYCHIC POWERS. Annoy them at your own risk.
5c. The previous statement is not taken to be permission to prank the psi operatives, despite the new peaks in power output we were able to record.
5d. Gaining psionic powers does not result in the loss of all hair. Stop telling this to potential Psi recruits.
6. Personnel are no longer allowed to play the game colloquially known as ‘ARC Roulette’.
6a. No, the Armory will not issue revolvers to compensate for this.
6ai. Even if Titan Armor helmets could stop the bullets anyway.
6b. How is ‘super hot wasabi’ even connected to… you know what, I don’t want to know.
7. ‘It was mind control’ is no longer an excuse for walking into the wrong bathroom, barracks or bedroom.
7a. In response to continued walk-in incidents, bathrooms and barracks have now been issued easy access ARC Throwers.
7b. Psionic operatives are to stop mind controlling friendly operatives and forcing them to punch themselves in the face or walking into the wrong bathroom/barracks.
7bi. Especially if you are repeating the phrase ‘Stop hitting yourself!’ while doing the former.
7bii. This now includes kicking, walking/running/sprinting into other things, making them black out and wake up on Vahlen’s operating table (especially in only her stolen underwear) or inside the Interrogation Chamber.
8. Stop requesting Dr. Shen to fabricate ‘something that will get Dr. Vahlen to loosen up’.
Addendum: The next person to do so will be placed in the Interrogation Chamber. - Dr. M.V. MD
8a. This does not suggest that Dr. Vahlen is a sadist.
8ai. Nor does this confirm that she is a sadist.
8b. Stop requesting Dr. Vahlen to ‘break out the leather and the whip already’.
9. It should be reminded that rank insignia is indicative of an operative’s rank, rather than being an actual rank, nor does rank insignia bestow special powers.
10. Outsider crystals are not to be used for recreational purposes.
10a. Even if they make great disco lights.
10b. Powdering it and inhaling for narcotic purposes will be its own punishment.
11. No playing inappropriate music when senior staff walks in. This includes (but is not limited to):
- The Imperial March with Bradford
- The 24 Chimes
- Hell March
- Anything related to X-Files, Doctor Who, Torchwood
11a. Playing ‘Danger Zone’ while X-COM Interceptors are intercepting a UFO was only funny the first time.
11b. ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ is relatively unknown in Vietnam. Nobody there will get the joke.
11c. Playing ‘Shoot to Thrill’ over the speakers moments before pushing a red and yellow MECT out of the back is ill advised.
11ci. Even if bystanders stopped to applaud.
12. Engineering Staff: S.H.I.V. units are not to be programmed to shout “YOLO!” when given ‘double time’ commands.
12a. S.H.I.V. units are not ‘one shot minesweepers’.
12b. There is one pink afro wig in Lost and Found, retrieved from the top of a S.H.I.V. unit. Could the owner come and retrieve it?
13. Laser Aiming Modules do not ‘double the Laser Rifle’s firepower’.
13a. Glow sticks are not plasma power cells.
13b. Plasma power cells are not to be used as glowsticks.
13c. Rookies in a flak vest and armed with Laser Rifles are not to be referred to as ‘Imperial Guardsmen’.
14. No replacing combat stims with recreational drugs.
14a. No augmenting smoke grenade payloads with recreational drugs.
14b. As funny as it was, no replacing Berserker combat drugs with recreational drugs.
14bi. Bootleg footage of the ‘High Berserker’ incident will be returned immediately.
14bii. No, you cannot keep a copy.
15. Misuse of Ghost Armor will result in being issued one standard issue flak vest painted bright pink, to be used for the duration of the next mission.
15a. Given the last incident involving Ghost Armor, Vahlen has been issued an ARC Thrower. She has advised me that it is malfunctioning, and may take a few more shots than normal to completely subdue a target.
15b. Archangel armor is not to be used for bypassing elevator wait times.
16. Shouting ‘Don’t tase me, bro!’ will not make you immune to ARC Thrower discharge, nor is it a passphrase to shut down an active ARC Thrower.
16a. The ARC Thrower IS able to bypass Titan Armor defenses. Operatives are forbidden from hazing recruits by taking advantage of this.
17. While inventive, it is discouraged to use grappling hooks to drag hostile forces closer.
17a. Even if you shout ‘GET OVER HERE’ while doing so.
17b. Dr. Vahlen is very happy with the recent upshot of live captures, yes, but so are the number of broken arms we’re getting from overenthusiastic ‘fisher pros.’
18. Operatives are to stop cooking bacon on the heat sinks of plasma weapons.
18a. Even if it is perfectly cooked. All samples will be confiscated and disposed of.
18b. This applies to all other surfaces not intended for cooking.
19. Agents are advised not to wear black suits into combat, as it will most definitely be the last suit they will ever wear.
20. No, the science team will not use MELD to make it/them bigger.
20a. Even if you have two hearts, yes that is still cheating.
20b. Vahlen does not need a ‘Primary Heart installed’.
20c. The next person to suggest that Vahlen “graft a [REDACTED] on her hand so that she can go [REDACTED] herself.” will be presumed to be volunteering theirs.
20d. Having the ‘Hyper Reactive Pupils’ Gene Mod is not an excuse to go staring at people.
20e. Operatives with Neural Feedback Gene Mods are advised not to go taunting Psi Operatives; they are still perfectly capable of punching you in the face.
20f. Operatives enhanced with Bioelectric skin should not ask people to pull their finger.
20g. Rookies are advised that X-COM Operatives jumping to superhuman heights are benefitting from Muscle Fiber Density Gene Mods, rather than it being a requirement for Sergeant rank.
20h. Operatives enhanced with Mimetic Skin are advised that it still works with their armor on. Your clothes have been deposited at Lost and Found.
21. 384 is the number of helium filled floaties required to make a Floater float. As this is now known thanks to experimental data, nobody else needs to try.
22. Stop asking the Japanese rookies if they enjoy the Seekers.
22a. For that matter, stop using Rookies as Seeker bait.
22b. Stop using Rookies as any kind of bait. This includes pushing them out the back of a Skyranger when infiltrating an AO to check for ambushes.
23. MEC Troopers have made an incredible sacrifice for the defense of humanity. It is ill advised to demand that they perform ‘The Robot’.
23a. Operatives are advised not to make Robocop, Terminator or Deus Ex jokes around MEC Troopers.
23b. Operatives are advised to stop calling the Restorative Mist ability as ‘the Feelgood Fart’.
23c. Yes, they do still have ‘the important bits’. Please stop asking them.
24. MEC Troopers are advised to stop throwing other Operatives and S.H.I.V. units, regardless of the tactic’s effectiveness.
24a. Other MEC Troopers are still operatives.
24b. Even if the Operatives volunteer for ‘Fastball duty’.
24c. MEC Troopers claiming that S.H.I.V. units are able to volunteer or communicate are to report to Medical immediately.
25. Painting your MEC pale green does not make you the Hulk, restrict your ability to communicate to two word sentences or exclude your ability to use ranged weaponry.
25a. Nor does painting a MEC (or armor) red make you go faster. Purple does not make you sneakier. Blue does not make you more lucky.
25b. While Operatives will not be punished for collateral damage caused for the sake of completing the mission, dropping your high powered railgun to pick up and throw vending machines, motorcycles or automobiles at an X-ray is considered excessive.
25bi. Even groups of X-Rays.
25bii. Even if it was more accurate than the last five shots from the railgun.
26. Unauthorized modification of MECs are NOT ALLOWED. This includes (but is not restricted to):
- Grills, spinning rims, and other modifications derived from automobiles.
- External speaker systems outside of standard issue.
- Stereo, DJ, or other audio systems
- Strobe lights, laser projectors, smoke machines and other ‘party gear’.
- Video projection or nonstandard/civilian issue networking equipment.
26a. Projecting porn onto the wall and playing 80s music worked on EXALT Operatives ONCE. Do not attempt it again.
26b. Playing ‘Smooth Criminal’ around EXALT operatives does not lower their morale.
26bi. Even if they scream at you to stop it. Please take firefights seriously.
27. Stop telling the rookies that EXALT operatives keep ‘Fun Time Syringes’ on them.
27a. Even with the justification ‘if they’re dumb enough to believe it they deserve what they get’.
28. Satellites launched by X-COM are used for UFO surveillance and tracking, NOT as a part of X-COM’s Mind Control Relay Network.
28a. To clarify: X-COM does not have a Mind Control Relay Network in deployment or development, nor does it plan to have one.
29. Operatives are reminded that Shen is perfectly capable of speaking fluent English, as well as knocking all your teeth out with a wrench.
30. Any operative caught playing “Chilong Tingtong” will have their punishment administered by Major Zhang himself.
31. Do not ask Annette Durand if she’s ‘good at French kissing’.
31a. Even if she takes it as a challenge.
31ai. Especially if she takes it as a challenge.
31b. Nor do you need ‘a large sample pool for statistical analysis’.
31c. Nor does she need her own sample pool.
32. Chryssalids are not from Australia. Please stop asking the Australian Operatives this.
32a. We do not know where Sgt. [REDACTED] got the tarantula from, but consider it due punishment for those Chryssalid jokes.
33. If an idea involving an X-Ray makes you giggle for more than 5 seconds, don’t.
33a. This goes double for anyone of Lieutenant rank or higher. You should know better.
34: Calling in an artillery strike on a populated residential area infested with Chryssalids is regrettable, but acceptable. Calling in an artillery strike on your ex-wife’s car is a waste of resources.
34a. MEC Troopers reporting ‘Kinetic Strike Module Malfunctions’ around property belonging to ex-spouses are to report to the MEC bay immediately. We have therapists for this sort of thing.
35. Just because two MECTs walked into the motor pool and then walked out with a S.H.I.V. following them means that they checked a S.H.I.V. out of the armory. It is prohibited to imply that anything untoward happened.
36. Firestorm pilots are advised to AVOID Area 51, Tunguska, Roswell and other well known UFO sighting locations.
36a. Stop it with the crop circles. Seriously.
36b. The Firestorm pilot responsible for the ‘Hello Kitty’ crop circle is to be congratulated. Please report to Hangar 1 for immediate arrest.
37. Whoopie Cushions and other ‘noisemaker devices’ such as cherry bombs, party poppers and cap guns are now considered contraband.
37a. Unveiling an entire box of tamagochi as they are dying is not the best of morale boosters.
38. While fedoras are acceptable for casual attire, all X-COM operatives (MEC Troopers included) are reminded that it is off duty attire. Standard issue helmets can be found in the armory.
38a. The rule of thumb is; if you’re getting shot at, now is not the time for casual attire.
38b. This order is now rescinded following the success of OPERATION: Nice Hat.
38c. I can’t believe that worked. - Dr. Shen
38d. Take that hat off.
38e. Please refrain from putting hats on top of your hats, claiming extra protection. It’s giving the rookies the wrong idea.
39. “Shoot it in the face.” Is valid advice on the subject of engaging a Muton. “Nipple cripple it for massive damage.” Is not. Stupidity does not come under ‘acceptable losses’ of our recruits.
39a. It works, I swear!
39b. Doctor Vahlen has a Berserker live capture. She’s looking forward to the demonstration. Captain [REDACTED], please report to the Interrogation Chamber.
40. We have not issued a melee primary weapon for non-MEC Troopers for a reason.
40a. S.H.I.V.s are mechanized fire support platforms, not cavalry. Under no circumstances should an X-COM Operator jump on a S.H.I.V. with a sword and charge the enemy screaming ‘DRIVE ME CLOSER I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD.’
40b. This should not be taken as a challenge.
40bi. Even if it’s your sword.
Written by RogueVector
41. Honor duelling is expressly prohibited under any circumstance.
41a. So is ‘Dishonor’ duelling.
41b. Even if the Titan armor is immune to pistol rounds.
41c. If your idea involves the words ‘Fusion Lance’ and ‘Chryssalid Jousting’ in the same paragraph, STOP.
41ci. Sectoid, Thin Man, Muton and Ethereal Jousting are similarly prohibited.
41cii Whoever was caught on camera riding a Sectopod like a bull, report to the Commander’s office. Immediately. You left a tooth by the D6 doorway.
42. The alien entertainment system recovered during the Alien Base Raid is still an alien artifact and should be treated as such, rather than a video game system.
42a. Even if it is fun.
42b. Beating the Commander’s high score (Tag CMDR) is prohibited.
43. MEC Troopers are strongly advised not to binge their own body mass’ worth of candy, sweets and pastries simply because ‘they lost some weight over the last three days’.
43a. Even if ‘it can’t go to my thighs’.
43b. You still need to be able to fit into the MEC.
43c. Proposals for a ‘Superheavy MEC’ have been rejected.
44. MEC Troopers are not punishable by having their ‘limb privileges’ revoked.
44a. Similarly, Psi Operatives are not punishable by having anything waxed or shaved off.
44b. MELD is not an addictive narcotic, and therefore threatening to withhold it from augmented troopers will end in you getting laughed at.
45. No taking chainsaws on Terror Missions. Zombies die to gunfire just as easily.
45a. Rocket propelled chainsaws are right out.
45b. Shotguns will be issued on a case-by-case basis.
46. Attention, MELD-enhanced X-COM Operatives: doors are still a thing. Please use them.
46a. This means stop using the ventilation shafts as a shortcut, and don’t dive through every window you can find.
46b. Ventilation shafts will be cleaned for their monthly maintenance. If there’s anything you don’t want the maintenance team to find, move it away now.
46bi. If there’s anything there that you know the maintenance team doesn’t want to find, move it away NOW.
47. The need to complete an ‘activation ritual’ is completely optional for MECTs and Psi Operatives. Stop insisting that it’s necessary.
47a. Saying ‘assuming direct control’ is not required for Mind Control.
47ai. Even if it helps. The detrimental effects are much worse than any positives.
47b. MECTs should never act like a 10 year old magical girl. No matter what you’ve named your MEC.
47bi. Yes, even if you can do the voice. Especially if you can do the voice.
48. Stop harassing Psi Operatives for mind sex.
48a. Psi Operatives are to stop offering mind sex. You can’t do it.
48b. Just because Vahlen says you can’t, doesn’t mean that she’s tried.
49. MEC Troopers are hereby exempt from morning PT. We’re getting earthquake warnings whenever you guys pass by the sensor stations.
50. Jellied Elerium is a fuel for flamethrowers. It’s not ‘A REAL MECT’S DRINK!’.
51. MECs cannot combine. Do not attempt this maneuver.
51a. It won’t work. Even if you shout ‘Gattai’ or ‘Combine’ or involve the words ‘super duper’.
51b. Similarly, Psi Operatives cannot meld into an ultimate form by simultaneously using mind fray on each other... Please stop.
52. Cyberdisks are not to be used for recreational activities, be they inactive or active.
52a. S.H.I.V.s do not have a ‘fetch’ protocol.
52b. Using MECs to play frisbee is frowned upon.
52bi. This means you’re not allowed to do it. Not that you’re allowed to do it if you’re frowning.
52bii. Even if you’ve drawn a frowny face on your helmets.
53. The ability of the ARC Thrower to capture drones is well known. Using captured drones on panty raids is grossly inappropriate. Even if you try and blame it on the aliens when caught.
54. Tea bagging, happy dances and other celebrations are to be done on flat surfaces, not on an Ethereal’s chest.
54a. Blowing a hole in a Muton and dancing in the resulting hole does not count as a flat surface. Save it for the rec room, people.
54ai. This includes having a MEC stomp it flat enough to mail.
54b. Related to the above incidents, remember that all X-COM base security footage is to be publicly released following the end of the war. Several high-ranking X-COM Operators doing ‘victory strip dances’ will certainly not be appreciated.
55. Removing a MEC Trooper’s arms and declaring them ‘armless’ will be punishable by a severe summary kicking.
55a. Similarly, ending an argument by removing a MEC Trooper’s legs and declaring that they have no argument to stand on is prohibited.
56. MEC Troopers are reminded that any ‘therapeutic rolling’ should be done in rooms or in the gym, not down main access ramps.
56a. Even if the slope makes it more fun. We don’t want you getting run over or stepped on.
57. MEC Troopers are reminded to attach limbs in the appropriate socket, and to match ‘L’ Type limbs with ‘L’ Type sockets. You should not literally have two left feet as it will result in you walking in circles.
57a. This also includes putting on two right feet or two right hands. Operatives are reminded that they are professionals fighting a war, and should be ready for combat at the drop of a hat.
57b. This does not mean that the new ‘standby’ alarm is a dropping hat.
58. Operatives are reminded to minimize contact with journalists, reporters and other civilian media unless lives are on the line. While we have yet to have an incident involving the mention of X-COM, Operatives are reminded that they are to avoid answering that you are part of any organization, group or unit, be it real or fictional. This includes (but is not restricted to):
59. Operatives are to remember that some behavior deemed common and tolerated in a more military setting is also known as ‘sexual harassment’ in civilian workplaces, such as the science labs and engineering bays. X-COM Operatives are reminded that fraternization regulations are in place for the duration of this war.
59a. In short; keep it in your [REDACTED] pants.
59b. Or as Major [REDACTED] put it, 'this is not XXX.COM, boyo'.
Written by RogueVector
60. While it is generally accepted that rocket launchers and other explosives are capable of being a universal problem solving device, Security (and by extension, Maintenance) would like to remind them that locked doors can be unlocked remotely, and are just a comm call away.
60a. Using an ARC Thrower on a door will do one of three things: 1) Fry all the circuitry, locking the door permanently until a team could be dispatched to replace it. 2) Electrocute anyone on the other side of the door or 3) Nothing.
60ai. Yes, the fluke with Sergeant [REDACTED] was just that; a fluke.
61. X-COM Operatives, when you rescue a civilian that has almost been killed by an invader, the suggested leading question should be 'what is your name?' to ensure that the civilian is not in shock. Asking them 'am I still in the year 3050?' is only going to exacerbate an already bad situation.
61a. This also includes ‘I look human, right?’, ‘I need a refill, can I drink your blood?’ and ‘kneel before Zod, take me to your leader’ are all equally counterproductive.
61ai. Billing them for Alien Extermination and Life Saving is prohibited.
61b. Offering them bits of Muton to eat is right out. Even if you pronounce it mutton.
62. Questioning EXALT insurgents should involve relevant subjects only. Asking them when they last got laid or for the orbital velocity of the moon is discouraged.
62a. Inquiring after random relatives, however, has proven to be somewhat effective. X-COM Operatives are now encouraged to shout ‘THINK OF YOUR MOTHER!’ in an attempt to make EXALT insurgents hesitate on using their Happy Fun Syringes.
63. X-COM Operatives are to cease referring to Psi Operative’s ‘mindfray’ abilities as ‘magic missile’ and throwing d4s at enemy forces when they are assaulting enemy positions.
63a. The Commander is willing to admit that OPERATION: PIERCED EYE’s last kill was impressive. Now stop doing it.
64. X-COM's armory is stocked with a wide variety of helmets built for almost any situation. Homemade Imperial Stormtrooper helmets should not be worn into the AO.
64a. This also applies to any other helmet not issued by X-COM armories.
65. MEC Troopers, please stop requesting Dr. Shen for additional chainsaws to be placed on a MEC's primary weapon, elbows, fingers, knees, feet, knuckles, head, crotch or in single/multi shot rocket tubes.
65a. Skyrangers do not need chainsaws anywhere.
65b. Hover S.H.I.V. Chainsaw variants? No.
65c. Operatives are to stop asking Dr. Shen to develop a chainsword.
65d. Operatives are expressly forbidden from trying to develop a chainsword on their own. Sergeant [REDACTED] is still recovering in medical.
66. While creative and useful use of duct tape is encouraged among staff and operatives, cruel and immoral use of duct tape is forbidden.
66a. Put it this way: even Vahlen was disgusted. Stop it.
66ai. Once again: This does not confirm that she is a sadist.
66b. Stop duct taping lawn gnomes to MECs, S.H.I.V.s and on top of your helmets.
66c. MEC Troopers are encouraged not to exclusively use duct tape for repairs on their MEC suits.
67. No mind controlling Mutons to beat them at a game of Rock Paper Scissors in the middle of a firefight.
67a. Similarly, chess with Ethereals.
67b. Colonel [REDACTED] is to leave his Monopoly set in the Rec room when on mission.
67c. We have the eyes of the world upon us, ladies and gentlemen. Psi Operatives are forbidden to use mind control to play Russian Roulette by Muton proxy with an alloy cannon.
67c. Especially if you're gambling on the results.
68. MEC Troopers are discouraged from shouting "Go go gadget..." just before using MEC equipment.
68a. Stop calling your attacks. Intel is unsure if the invaders understand our language or not.
69. We understand that X-COM Operatives recently discovering that they are Gifted or granted MELD enhancements will be eager to test their limits and break through. We have a gym and testing ranges for that. 'Flashbang hot potato' is not one of those ways.
69a. Even if you're in Titan armor.
69ai. MEC Troopers doubly so.
69b. Other grenade variants of the game are similarly prohibited. Including remote detonation grenades.
69c. If requested, the kitchens have been allowed to issue one regulation hot potato per squad for training purposes. Do not consume.
70. The performance of 'X-COM: The Musical' will be postponed until AFTER the Invasion.
70a. Return all samples of Invader cadavers, armor and vehicles to Intel.
70b. Due to protest, the order for the dismantling of the Invasion set has been rescinded. It has now been designated 'training zone 506' and is freely accessible to all staff.
71. Replacing all the command staff in the Geoscape with sectoid corpses propped up in the seats was not funny. Bradford is still recovering in the medical bay.
72. Major and Colonel ranked Operatives are to be reminded that X-COM does not operate on a traditional chain of command and so they do not outrank the Commander nor Central Officer Bradford and cannot countermand their orders.
73. The Skyranger is a top secret, cutting edge, incredibly agile, supersonic troop transport capable of getting X-COM Operatives anywhere within the globe in a matter of hours. Stop requesting its deployment for the sake of ‘real’ Chinese food.
73a. This also applies to Indian, European and other ‘local’ foods.
73b. Even if there is an operation there at the time.
74. Science Staff: live captures are immediately processed in the Interrogation chamber. While your astuteness is appreciated, we do not require you to submit Security Containment Protocols.
75. Yes, sectoid heads fit almost exactly into toilet bowls. No, the toilets were not designed for that purpose. No, the reactions of the base staff and other operatives are not funny. Now stop it.
76. Celebrating an Operative’s birthday is well within the bounds of acceptable recreational activity. Celebrating it with an actual Floater as a pinata is not, no matter how much candy you’ve stuffed it with.
76a. Using Thin Men, Sectoids, Mutons, Ethereals or Chryssalids as pinata is also prohibited.
76b. Doubly so if they’re still alive.
77. The proposal for an Annual X-COM Taco Fiesta has been rejected.
77a. The proposal for a Bi-monthly Burrito Bash is similarly rejected.
77b. The much more reasonable proposal for an occasional themed food night at the cafeteria has been accepted. The cafeteria has had a tablet installed where suggestions can be submitted.
78. Our motto here at X-COM is 'vigilo confido', not 'rookies first'.
78a. Neither is it 'kill it with plasma'.
78b. Nor is it ‘if it bleeds, we can kill it’. There’s no need to restrict ourselves.
79. Chewing gum during Psi screening interferes with the test results. Stop it.
79a. So does listening to music while in the chamber.
80. Stop feeding the rookies caviar and then 'accidentally' dropping an empty sample canister marked 'Chryssalid Eggs'.
80a. An elite JSDF commando is now afraid of salmon roe and sushi. This ends now.
81. Operatives joining a rookie at a table just as they're finishing and asking them 'would you like to know what you just ate?' are expected to clean up the mess.
81a. Even if the answer is 'perfectly normal food'.
82. On completion of a mission it is paramount that the Skyranger is returned to X-COM HQ immediately. No stopping by a nearby country just because you heard their chocolate was good.
82a. If it really is that good, put forward a requisition request.
83. When volunteering for covert ops, don't show up to training in a black tuxedo with martini in hand. It's not that kind of espionage.
83a. Even if you look ‘smashing’ in one.
83b. Covert Operatives are to be advised that Dr. Shen does not make gadgets that small.
84. All Operatives must indicate that they are indeed present in Stealth Tech familiarization sessions, not that 'you didn't see me there'.
85. When the Council was asking for volunteers for a covert operation, 6 MECTs kitted out with hypersonic railguns, jet packs and Kinetic Strike Modules was probably not what they had in mind.
85a. Neither were they looking for 6 Heavies in Titan Armor carrying as much Blaster Launcher ammunition as they could carry.
85b. No, dropping one Heavy in favor of a Sniper in Titan Armor does not help.
86. Stealthy means 'to remain undetected' not 'see how many grenades you can duct tape to a Muton before they notice'.
87. The Council is simply the Council. It is not short for the Council of Poorly Lit Bald People.
88. Crowbars are indeed issued to X-COM operatives, but for the purposes of breaching doors and prying out obstacles, not as melee weapons.
88a. Tactical hatchets and combat knives may be requisitioned as melee weapons, but keep in mind they are to be used only as weapons of last resort.
88b. The fact that you've killed three times as many Mutons with your knife as you have with your rifle means that you're a bad shot, not that you're a good knife fighter.
89. All green food coloring is to be confiscated 24 hours prior to any drug screening. Medical has had it with the sudden upshot of rookie psych evaluations needed to be done.
89a. This has now expanded to ALL types of food coloring and dyes.
90. Yes, Dr. Vahlen was laughing last night. This was because of an anecdotal joke told to her, and not because she was practicing ‘her super villainess thing’.
91. Rumors of a relationship between the Commander and Dr. Vahlen should stay as that: rumors. Both are professional enough to tolerate such scuttlebutt amongst the staff and are maintaining a perfectly professional relationship. The inappropriate text files found on the X-COM network, however, have been deleted and the author left unnamed but with a warning. This is your last chance.
91a. X-COM stands for eXtraterrestrial COMbat unit. In no way does this imply that we’re the set of a soap opera. Stop making up baseless accusations that would violate fraternization regulations.
92.The Commander does not fistfight with Berserkers for his morning exercise routine.
92a. The Commander is not the ultimate goal of the alien invasion.
92b. The Commander’s real name does not include the word 'Badass'.
92c. The X-COM Alpha Site was designed to keep invaders out, and was not made to keep the Commander in.
92d. The Commander isn’t the only man to ever make Dr Vahlen beg.
92e. The Commander cannot predict the future, and neither is he a clairvoyant psychic.
92f. The ‘instant karma’ incident with Squaddie [REDACTED] in the rec room involving a pingpong ball, two pool cues, a glass of water and three sheets of standard A4 paper was not an example of the Commander’s wrath.
92g. The Titan Armor program was a success, not ‘a failed attempt at making a suit capable of surviving an arm wrestling competition with the Commander’.
92h. The Commander has so far proven to be incapable of mind control. Stop insisting that he controls your every action.
92i. The ‘Commander Badass’ jokes stop now.
93. Stop asking Dr. Vahlen if she’s been using anal probes. What use are they for when we have interrogation chambers?
93a. Stop asking Dr. Shen to make them.
94. MEC Flamethrowers will turn all meat to ash. Stop trying to cook with them.
95. ‘The Commander made me do it’ is not a valid excuse for inappropriate actions.
96. ‘We’re testing it for Shen’ is an outright lie if the mission recorder on your armor starts with ‘I hope Shen doesn’t catch us’.
97. The petition to give S.H.I.V.s sapient AI and childish voices is refused, no matter the number of signatures on it.
97a. Even if Dr. Shen’s name is on that list.
97b. The idea to add grappling hooks for extra mobility, however, is under consideration.
98a. As does using the recoil to attempt double-jumping. We have Archangel packs for those needing to reach high ground on a regular basis.
98b. Despite MELD being able to regrow toes and feet, please cease attempting to ‘double jump’.
98c. Attempting rocket jumping is also prohibited.
99. Please ensure that the floor is sturdy enough to support a MEC jump-stomping Mutons before attempting the maneuver.
99a. This maneuver will not be renamed ‘Death From Above’, MECTREKT, ‘Highlander burial’ or ‘goomba stomping’ in official AARs.
99b. Archangel armor is not capable of this maneuver. For proof, please refer OPERATION: EAGLE CLAW file S13 at 14:48:02.
100. Psi Operatives are advised to stop mind controlling rookies, noncombat staff, Mutons and Ethereals into acting like puppies.
100a. Even if they can make the sounds.
100b. Not allowed to act sad once we’ve been forced to shoot the Berserker-puppy. You know it was going to happen.
100c. Not allowed to bring in actual puppies to replace the Berserker-puppy.
100d. Cats and kittens are also out.
100e. Even if it was your wish since you were little, no ponies on base.
101. Operatives that have secured a UFO landing site are forbidden from attempting to fly it back, even if it is only a few hundred kilometers from the nearest X-COM base. Recovery teams have been instituted for a reason.
101a. Even if you know how to hot wire the thing. You’re not doing Jersey stereotypes any favors, Cpl. [REDACTED].
101b. Neither UFO Flight Simulator nor Kerbal Space Program are a valid ‘training background’, nor an excuse to try.
101c. Flying low to the ground over the road to ‘watch for traffic signs’ or ‘get directions’ will only cause a panic. Don’t.
101ci. Even if you obey all traffic laws, we don’t want a line of police cars leading from [REDACTED] to X-COM’s Alpha Site.
101d. This goes double for battleship class UFOs captured.
101di. Even if you found enough spray paint to write ‘HUMANITY FUCK YEAH’ on the side.
101e. Even if you leave cash on the counter, stopping by a fuel station for snacks, drinks, maps and/or souvenirs. This goes double if you’re leaving behind Zimbabwe Dollars.
101ei. No, it doesn’t matter that you bought them for the Commander, Dr. Vahlen and Central Officer Bradford.
101eii. Even if you also brought enough for Dr. Shen and the rest of the base staff.
102. Rookies are advised that MEC Troopers do not have pain receptors on their hands. Therefore, if they offer you a glowing piece of metal, refuse.
102a. MEC Troopers are reminded that we need all hands on deck. This requires unburned, intact and non-mechanical hands if possible.
103. Yes, the operation was on the beach. As to why you chose to deploy in swimwear, nobody knows.
103a. “She would if I would.” is not a valid reason.
103b. While Dr. Vahlen and the Commander appreciate the fact that the Operatives thought to give them gifts, matching swimwear is probably the last thing they want to see right now.
104. X-COM Personnel with a background in animatronics and taxidermy are greatly discouraged to putting their past skills to use with alien corpses and janitorial closets.
104a. Especially bathroom stalls. Some people would like their personal emergencies to run smoothly, not suddenly.
105. To whoever delivered 5 meters of 2cm wide red silk ribbon to Dr. Vahlen’s office with attached note ‘Have fun’, the answer is ‘yes, Mutons can be strangled by red string’. Thank you for your contribution to progressing our understanding of alien physiology.
Written by Rogue Vector
106. Despite operations which involve boarding enemy ships, hijacking their shipping and supplies, raiding their land bases and in all the above cases making off with everything not nailed down (and then bringing in a recovery team with crowbars and power tools), X-COM is not a piracy operation nor will its operatives act like they’re part of a pirate crew.
106a. This also applies to anyone caught with the following: flintlock weapons, cutlasses, muzzle loading cannon, parrots, peg legs, hook hands, golden doubloons, pieces of eight, eyepatches not issued by X-COM Medical staff, Jolly Roger flags, tricorn hats and other prohibited pirate paraphernalia.
106b. Even if you don’t look like a pirate, this does not mean that you can act like one.
106c. While clever, the S.H.I.V. unit modified to look like a 1700s muzzle loading cannon will be returned to its original state.
106d. Even if a pirate crew would be better disciplined than the current state of X-COM.
107. The recent rise of anti-piracy crackdowns does not mean X-COM is in support of ‘Team Ninja’, nor is it implied permission to begin carrying around ninja equipment.
107a. X-COM Command will not release a statement confirming nor denying if Pirates or Ninjas are better.
107b. A non-exhaustive list of ninja gear is as follows; kunai, shuriken, ninja swords, non-regulation smoke bombs, blowpipes, ninja ‘costumes’, combat fans and nunchaku.
107c. We already have multispectral computer-linked cloaking technology. Attempting to use classic ninja camouflage tricks are redundant when you’re already in Ghost Armor.
107ci. Even if you think that it’s hilarious to see the rookies pull away the cover to find nothing hidden inside.
108. It is true that MEC units were made with modularity in mind, but the addition of JATO-sized rockets for propulsion, missile racks numbering in the dozens and the ability to transform into other vehicle analogues is outside of the MECT Program’s current scope.
109. While X-COM has no formal uniform regulations, Operators are to cease using pastel and/or overly bright colors in their modifications to issued armor, as it makes it hard for Operatives on the field to assert any authority with local civilian, police and military when a supposed operative is standing in bright pink armor and a fedora, regardless of the size of the gun in their hands.
109a. This goes double for MEC Troopers.
109b. Rule of thumb; if the first reaction of the locals upon sighting you is to attempt to suppress laughter, then you need to change the color of your armor.
109c. Even if pink and pastel yellow were used in desert operations during WWII, their use in an urban environment is prohibited.
110. ‘He who has the highest yield is able to demand the yield of others’ is not recognized as a way of establishing chain of command.
110a. Despite appearances to the contrary, neither is body count.
110b. If Operatives continue to insist on ‘yield = chain of command', it should be noted that the Commander has the authority to deploy nuclear weapons.
111. Geoscape staff are to stop betting on Operatives making a shot or not.
111a. The same for how many cars a MECT can punch a Muton through.
111b. Morbid bets such as how many Operatives are making it back from the next mission are now punishable.
111c. Gambling addiction is being diagnosed more often than PTSD. This has to stop now.
112. The list covered in entry 58 also applies to responses when challenged by EXALT security forces. Operatives are advised to open fire instead.
113. Promotions are not earned on the basis of beating a superior officer in a duel to the death, first blood, first to shout ‘uncle’ or ‘last to get caught by the Commander/Dr Vahlen/Bradford/X-COM Base Security’.
113a. Nor is it won through arm wrestling, drinking the most shots, body count competitions or 'papers scissors rock'.
113b. ‘MECT chicken’ is hereby banned for any reason.
114. This should be obvious: no tattooing X-COM insignia, unit markings or the words ‘X-COM’ onto yourself.
114a. Or to other X-COM operatives.
114b. Or to EXALT Insurgents before using them as stalking horses.
115. Even if the Commander approved the talent show, it should not be necessary to explain that using Mind Control on the judges is prohibited.
115a. Prohibited act styles include: sectoid juggling, cyberdisk skeet shooting, mass mind control demonstrations, kinetic strike arts and live fire 'gunstep'.
116. Psi Operatives capable of mind control should not take over an alien and have it delay the end of an operation by starting a game of hide and go seek.
116a. ‘Thin Man Tag’ is also not allowed.
116b. Muton arm wrestling is also banned.
117. X-COM Operatives making use of stealth technology, despite being invisible, this does not mean that you are inaudible; stage whispering to yourself ‘sneak, sneak, sneak’ while infiltrating hampers your ability to infiltrate.
118. In the rare event that operatives are able to get a hold of a Seeker, they are not to use its elastic properties to launch a S.H.I.V. or another operative at the enemy.
118a. The use of Thin Men for similar purposes is also discouraged due to… tearing.
118b. Requisitioning purpose built elastic materials for this purpose is prohibited.
119. Personnel are to stop worshipping the Commander as if he were some god of war. Please refer to him as 'Commander' or 'Sir'. Not as 'Master Commander', 'the Man with the Plan' or 'the Great Commandy One'.
119a. Operatives claiming to hear the Commander's divine will are to be reminded that they have all received subdermal radio implants during their first week of induction at X-COM.
119ai. Similarly, Operatives are to be reminded that increased accuracy is more likely the result of the improved barrel linings and electromagnetic plasma confinement arrays than 'the Blessing of the Great Commandy One'.
119b. Despite the increased enthusiasm, Operatives are to stop referring to EXALT Insurgents as 'heretics', 'infidels' or 'worshippers of a false god'. You should be aware of the irony of that last statement.
119c. Even if he were a god of war, attempting 'appeasement sacrifices' of half a dozen women sneaking into his room is not appreciated.
119ci. Even if they were all volunteers.
119cii. Even if the brunettes all dressed up like Dr. Vahlen sans turtleneck (or only in the turtleneck).
119ciii. Even if the second group found out how to make Carapace Armor 'look so sexy it should be illegal'.
120. Neither is Dr Vahlen a goddess of SCIENCE!. Please note the irony of such a lost cause, and give up before it gets worse.
120a. Even if science and religion can be proven to be compatible, Dr. Vahlen is not.
120b. Even if it was intended as 'a sacrifice to She Who Invents Cool Things', the half ton of Elerium captured by Colonel [REDACTED] on the last mission is greatly appreciated.
121. Dr. Shen does not appreciate being referred to as 'The Great Maker of Cool Stuff'. Chief Engineer or Dr. Shen will suffice.
121b. Nor does playing Gene Audrey’s “Here Comes Santa Claus” whenever he comes to the barracks for weapon testing volunteers.
121a. Similarly, Bradford would appreciate it if Operatives would stop calling him 'The Voice Inside My Head', even if you intend to follow orders.
122. Attempting to induct rookies into this new religion (dubbed ‘Commanderism’) is forbidden. Especially if the initiation rite involves their paycheck, a rubber chicken, an ARC Thrower, or any combination thereof.
122a. Cease referring to operatives who take these orders seriously and leave the Commander-centric pseudo-religion as having been 'X-COMmunicated'.
123. The small toggle found on the back of the neck in carapace armor is to be used for medical emergencies only. Sabotaging the emergency quick release for pranks resulting in ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ is strongly discouraged. Strike Four suffered 84% casualties before they even got to the landing site.
124. Do not refer to Russian Operatives as ‘X-COMmunists’.
124a. Korean Psionics are not PSY Operatives, nor do they need a chorus/backing crew/’a sick beat’ to use their powers.
125. When you are issued new equipment to field test, this does not mean ‘give it to the rookie’.
125a. Similarly, when field testing new grenades, the entirety of your AAR should not be ‘It’s supposed to explode, right? Because it did.’
126. Intel staff are to stop naming Operations with confusing/foreboding names. Examples include: Dying Hero (The rookies were nervous the whole op), Silent Night (During a landing in New York at midday), Vengeful Vengeance (... really?) and Evil Aliens (this should be obvious…).
126a. Intel staff are also to cease naming operations with redundant and/or already used names. Infernal Inferno was mildly amusing the first time. The second time, less so.
127. Bee grenades are not in development, or viable as weapons, so stop asking for them.
127a. Even if Sgt. [REDACTED] killed an Ethereal by throwing a beehive at it.
127b. Bee grenades are now being tested, volunteers please report to RnD.
128. Sergeant [REDACTED] is to stop ending all of Bradford’s instructions with ‘at your own peril’.
128a. This extends to ALL X-COM Operatives.
128b. And base staff.
Written by Rogue Vector
129. The practice of Malicious Charity is prohibited, namely giving three wounded rookies two medikits.
129a. Operatives are reminded that Medikits are multi-dose.
130. If your idea makes you check over your shoulder for any Psi Operatives that might be reading your mind, don’t attempt it.
131. X-COM operatives are to keep in mind the concept of ‘fall damage’. Please wait for the Skyranger to land or at least drop fast ropes before attempting to exit the vehicle.
131a. MEC Troopers, please bear in mind that not all surfaces can support a MEC dropping in from greater than a hundred meters. Especially if it’s been raining recently.
.131ai. Even if you landed on a Muton.
132. No playing recordings of well known fictional AI over the PA system, even if they were all benevolent. We’ve had several panics now.
132a. This goes double for the one promising cake. Wasn’t that AI a pathological liar? Vahlen still wants to know how several supposedly veteran Covert Operatives fell for that one.
132b. This now applies to MECs, personal armor and weapons.
132c. Dr. Shen, please stop creating actual AI to get around the ‘recording’ part of 132.
132d. No, Dr. Vahlen will not be lending her voice to a new AI.
133. The incident of a drunken Lieutenant Durand referring to the Commander and Dr Vahlen as 'papa' and 'mama', respectively, is not to be taken as 'proof' of a nonexistent romantic relationship.
133a. Despite her claims otherwise, this does not mean that she is a demi-goddess.
133ai. Even if her psionics theoretically put her in that ‘power level’.
133b. Stop implying that she is their secret love child.
133bi. Nor is she their not-so-secret love child.
134. Rookies are measured for armor during induction, not coffins. Stop telling them otherwise.
134a. ‘We don’t measure you for coffins because there usually isn’t enough left to bury’ is not a viable alternative, either.
135. X-COM personnel are not to post raw combat footage/image captures on YouTube, Facebook, Reddit, Imgur, or other social networking websites. X-COM is meant to be a secret project, not a reality TV show.
135a. This includes any websites.
135ai. Even personal blogs.
135b. Due to the increase in morale around the globe after the video of Col. [REDACTED]’s ‘man versus muton’ was released, please submit any content you wish to release publicly for appropriate censorship.
136. RnD appreciates the number of intact corpses and live captures X-COM Operatives are able to bring back from the field. They do not, however, appreciate these samples coming in with crudely drawn genitalia, arrows, mustaches, monocles and top hats being drawn onto them.
136a. Or having extra googly eyes attached.
136b. Party hats, lipstick and other makeup products, swizzle straws and bandoliers of grenades replaced with bottles of beer are similarly prohibited.
136c. Apparently, Mutons are allergic to face paint and the itchiness causes them to recover consciousness more quickly than expected. Stop it.
137. Hiding a near-death tamagochi inside the box of alien grenades before handing it over to RnD is forbidden. The same goes for alarm clocks and other electronic devices.
137a. Even if Dr. Vahlen found the latest one and is now taking care of it.
138. Stop wandering around base, drawing chalk outlines around the hallways and telling the rookies ‘I’m trying to remember where they all died’. It’s bad for morale, and we know that nobody died in that hallway.
138a. Even if you got lucky the first time, Col. [REDACTED]. Don’t expect sympathetic rookies to happen again.
138b. Drawing an amoebic chalk circle and telling people ‘there was a pile of them here just a week ago’ is absolutely forbidden.
138c. We’ve actually had to treat rookies for PTSD before they’ve even gone on a single combat mission. Stop it.
139. In the event that X-COM forces manage to beat the invader recovery teams to the crash site, the strategy of waiting for them inside the captured UFO’s only entrance with charged Kinetic Strike Modules at the ready and a sign saying ‘welcome to Earth’ is to be avoided.
139a. Use ARC Throwers instead, Dr. Vahlen would appreciate the live captures.
139b. Stop suggesting that this is the Commander’s equivalent of sending roses to her.
140. Stop leaving rookies behind after mission clear. That is all.
140a. Stop leaving rookies behind BEFORE mission clear. Even if it’s ‘just a sectoid’.
141. X-COM Operatives are no longer allowed to use the Skyranger to circumvent customs. We’ve had to (discreetly) bring in a Customs Officer from [REDACTED] Airport and he is now part of our payroll.
142. Base personnel are to stop randomly breaking out into song while on duty.
142a. Especially if it was part of the cancelled X-COM Musical.
142ai. Even if you had already practiced.
142b. Using the base’s resources to record music videos is similarly prohibited.
142bi. Even if nobody would believe it wasn’t a set.
143. Despite the recent attack by invader forces, Engineering staff are to stop filling our base with enough booby traps to make it look like a Death Course. This includes: buzzsaws coming from the walls, laser grids, descending ceilings, pitfall traps, embedded wall mounted plasma pistols, poison dart launchers, giant rolling balls and floors mined with pressure plates, walls made of spare MEC arms to grab victims, spiked elevator floors/roofs and covering the entire air vent floor with mouse traps.
143a. When the hallways stop resembling Temple of Doom and start resembling a Japanese game show, this should be regarded as a time to stop.
143ai. Stop trying to sell footage of the Rookies trying to get through them.
143aii. Even if you’ve covered everything in three inches of foam.
143b. Similarly, no dedicating the base as ‘The First Temple of the Great Commandy One’.
143c. No building anything with the express purpose of making future archaeologists scratch their heads in confusion. If we can’t figure out what it does now, then don’t build it.
143d. Stop trying to sell the traps to other bases, even if modifications have made them ‘20% more lethal’.
144. Psi Operatives are not to refer to their Psi Inspiration ability as ‘the care bear stare’.
144a. Neither are operatives to refer to the Psi Panic ability as ‘the care bear glare’.
144b. Not allowed to use Telekinetic Field during snowball fights. That’s cheating.
145. Sgt. [REDACTED] is now banned from making any more of his ‘World Famous Rookie Smoothie’.
145a. Despite his claims to the contrary, Rookie Smoothie does not actually contain Rookies.
145b. Nor their tears.
146. No, there is no ‘bring your daughter to work day’. No matter how cute she is, Major [REDACTED].
146a. Even if she’s a better shot than half our rookies.
147. Operatives are forbidden to use plasma weapons for the purposes of cutting through red tape.
148. Battlecries have been a part of human warfare for millennia. Many are acceptable; ‘For Earth!’, ‘For Humanity!’ and so on are expected to be heard over the course of the war. Operatives should be reminded, however, that all of X-COM’s comms are recorded, so cries of ‘For the Emperor!’, ‘For the Great Commandy One!’, and ‘For Vodka and Rum!’ are now prohibited.
148a. It doesn’t matter if she promised to marry you when you got back, Sgt. [REDACTED]. ‘For mah waifu’ is also inappropriate.
148b. So is showing up on the battlefield with a lab coat and syringe rather than legitimate weapons and armor and shouting “FOR SCIENCE!”
149. The Three Furies are to cease acting like their mythological counterparts and using their Gifts to torment the Rookies.
150. Commander impersonators are henceforth banned. Especially if all you’re trying to do is get laid with Dr. Valhen.
150a. The same goes for impersonators of Dr. Vahlen.
150b. Impersonation of a member of the senior command staff is still a military crime.
151. Dr. Shen is forbidden from making anything man portable which has a barrel large enough to fit his head.
151a. This also applies to any engineering staff.
151b. Similarly, anything capable of firing more than four unguided missiles with one trigger pull.
151c. The definition of ‘guided’ is ‘actively targeted’ rather than ‘it goes where I point it’.
152. Due to the incident after OPERATION: PURPLE TEARS, Captain Annette Durand is hereby banned from participating in any Covert Operations. The British government requested our presence thinking it was a Terror attack, and afterwards our counter-intelligence division requested captured materials that they could process without needing to resort to electron microscopes.
153. MEC Troopers and Operatives in titan armor are hereby forbidden from riverdancing. We can track your location using seismographs.
153a. This also applies to tap dancing, breakdancing, Kazatsky/Cossack dancing, Gangnam Style and ballet.
154. Stop trying to tame Chryssalids, everyone; they’re vicious, zombie-making predators, not puppies.
154a. Dr. Vahlen understands that while tetrahydrocannibinol (THC) is incredibly effective at calming them down - even more so than in humans - this does not mean X-COM is going to start farming marijuana.
154b. Stop trying to push for an ‘anti-Chryssalid gas’ smoke grenade. We know it’s going to end up rolling into the Geoscape without a pin.
155. Stop it with the pizza deliveries. Base Personnel are tired of going into Condition Yellow because of some kid on a scooter tripping every single proximity alarm on the way to Alpha Site’s main entrance.
155a. This also includes any other form of fast-food delivery.
155b. Operatives are to stop trying to scam delivery services for free food ‘because they took longer than 30 minutes’.
156. Psi Operatives are to stop trying to influence people’s dreams.
156a. Doubly so if they are successful.
156b. Seriously. We’ve had 49 cases of people reporting that they had recurring nightmares of Vahlen mass-mind controlling the aliens and become the new Supreme Bitch of the Universe. Stop it.
157. While yes, cars and other vehicles do explode when sufficiently riddled by plasma fire, this does not mean that Operatives - MECTs in particular - are to use them as substitute hand grenades when out on the field.
157a. This includes using suppressive fire to force the aliens to take cover behind cars. We appreciate tactical application of your environment. We do not endorse mass collateral damage.
158. Operatives are to stop luring Chryssalids, Mutons and zombies towards hiding civilians just to make ‘a last second save’ and try to get a date/get laid.
158a. Especially if it worked.
159. No matter how impressive it is, no matter how accurate your costume is, no matter how red your armor is and how Spanish you are, pretending to be a matador and berserkers the bull will only end in disaster, as exemplified by Squaddie [REDACTED].
159a. This rule remains, even if Major [REDACTED] was able to kill a Berserker with two sets of steak knives and a tablecloth.
159b. MEC Troopers are forbidden from trying to be the bull half of the act. We know you’re a lot more agile than you pretend to be.
160. Even when mind controlled, sedated, put on a leash with explosive failsafes and wrapped in tinfoil to prevent the use of their powers, Sectoids are not to be kept as pets. Please return them to their proper interrogation facilities.
161. Even if the media are blaming it on the aliens, stop looting ice cream stores before returning to base.
161a. This does not mean Operatives are allowed to loot everything except the ice cream stores.
161b. Stop bribing the Skyranger pilots with the ice cream/sweets/food.
161c. I don’t know how you’re doing it, but stop threatening the Skyranger pilots with ice cream/sweets/food.
161d. No, making them ‘offerings to the Great Commandy One’ does not make smuggled, stolen food acceptable.
162. Raven pilots, engineers and MEC Troopers; stop trying to figure out a way to use a rocket-propelled MECT as an UFO intercept weapon.
163. Stop trying to replace the Commander's seat in the Geoscape with 'a throne more befitting a being of his station'. Thrones and other chairs made of swords, bones, skulls, teddy bears, gold, 'hard light', women/men (be they volunteers or not) and/or alien alloys are forbidden.
163a. Most of them are not very comfortable anyway.
164. After Action Reports are mandatory for all operatives returning from base. Stop telling the Rookies that Command doesn’t expect AARs because they don’t expect them to survive.
165. Operatives are to stop jerry-rigging/welding 'love handles' onto MECs, even if it improves overall team mobility.
165a. The Engineering staff are working on a proper solution that doesn't end with people like Sgt. [REDACTED] flat on his back with a badly welded ‘love handle’ in his hand.
166. Stop trying to rope Major Zhang and Central Officer Bradford into a 'X-COM's Sanest' competition.
166a. Especially if most of the ideas were taken from Japanese game shows.
166b. Or Fear Factor/American Gladiator.
167. Seeing a squadmate being strangled by a Seeker should draw retaliatory fire, not comments of ‘I’ve seen enough anime to know where this is going’.
168. Warning labels are there for a reason and are meant to be noticed, read and followed. Do not write whatever you want because ‘nobody reads them anyway’.
169. No longer allowed to use Comic Sans for warning signs.
170. Whilst it is an excellent way to test and improve fine motor control with mind controlled subjects, Psi troopers are warned that “alien land mine hopscotch” is not an appropriate use of time and resources
170a. Floaters are cheating
170b. No Rookies either.
171. Dressing up as Chryssalids, Chryssalid Zombies, Ethereals, Mutons and/or variants thereof is ABSOLUTELY PROHIBITED.
171a. Especially during Halloween.
Thanks to the below for their contributions!
Agayek
Brandon Glass
CV12Hornet
cyko2014
Kael_Alucard
Karuadin
Mercsenary
Metalax
Misterme7
Night_Stalker
Nox
PsyckoSama
Sir bill
Sithking Zero
swordomatic
Taiho
The Bushranger
The Destroyer
Xeno Major
Vladmir Furman, Lex V Stee, Brandon Glass, Maarten Meuris you’re all f___ing grammar nazis thanks for the spellchecking.
And to Alex Kwan, that crazy bastard who introduced me to X-COM in the first place.
