Jeff's Rules

Jeff’s Rules, a quick codification

Being a hard-core computer science guy, my rules do start at zero.... Take that Monzy.

Rule 0: Try to achieve your goals in a way that doesn't involve doing something that might get you killed.

0.1 Plans which avoid other people getting killed are good too
0.2 Minimizing property damage or resource usage are pluses
0.3 Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea. Push hard and fast and try to get it over with.
0.4 Fights last until one person makes a serious mistake. The longer the fight lasts, the more chances you have of being the one. Keep it short and simple.
0.5 Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.

Rule 1: Don't get shot. Use cover.

1.1 Applies to non-violent situations, read as “use proper safety procedures and equipment when possible”

Rule 2: if you need to violate rule 0, bring friends.

2.1: The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
2.2 Exception: Unless they might become witnesses later. Don’t share things with friends that might get you or them in trouble

Rule 3: Humans are tool using creatures.... so have tools.

3.1 Use the right tool for the job. If you're working on something and it takes more than 5 minutes, you're not using the right tool. [The thing you’re working on was probably made on an assembly line. People on assembly lines don’t have a lot of time to monkey around - so there must be an easier way, providing you’re using the right tool.]
3.2 If violating rule 0, use the heaviest available tool that isn't too troublesome for the job. (see 0.1, 0.2)

3.2.1 NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.

3.3 Always carry tools

3.3.1 Always make sure someone has a P-38 (the can opener. Although the Walther isn’t bad either)
3.3.2 Cash money is a tool... with many options in its use (see 3.5)

3.5 The more options a given tool has, the better...

3.5.1 Up to the point where you can’t remember how to use it. Then back off 3 functions.

3.6 : The more instruments a device has to monitor its proper functionality, the more likely it is to malfunction.

Rule 4: You will, eventually, violate rule 1. Make sure at least one person from rule 2 can mitigate this.

4.1 Unless you’re trying to avoid witnesses or a chain of evidence
4.2 Includes other kinds of injuries, of course
4.3 Medical supplies are ‘tools’ (see rule 3.3)

Rule 5: The reliability of a product can be scaled based on the age of the product divided by the number of digits in the release identifier. Similarly, the more status indicators/debugging modes it has, the less reliable it is.

Example: A product line 3 years old that the current release is "3.6" is more reliable than a 3 year old product with an ID of "2.4.21.7"
Note that 724 is less than 3 years old, and we are running “724 V5.2 build 158”

Rule 6: It is better to understand how something works than to understand how to work something. The former allows one to derive the latter.

6.1 “Do not lick the antenna , it does not taste like pizza.” Knowing how “it” works lets you figure out what things will get you hurt when using “it”’
6.2 Knowing how something works also allows you to derive why it suddenly stopped working, and how to make it work again.
6.2 If you don’t understand it, it is dangerous

Rule 7: Always have water.

7.1 Make sure there's a bottle of water with you when you leave home.
7.2 When going to sleep at night, put a glass of water on the nightstand (in case you wake up thirsty.)

7.2.1 A real programmer will also put an empty glass on the nightstand... in case you wake up, but are not thirsty. This is called "Coding For The Error Condition"
7.2.2 Make sure the glass of water on the nightstand won’t get spilled on you while you’re sleeping. Especially if there’s lots of ice in it.

Rule 8: Marriage rule set:

8.1 : Always and Forever - no matter what, we still love each other
8.2 : No sex unless the other one is present

8.2.1 “present” is not just physically present, but includes mentally awake, aware and consenting as well as emotionally fully in agreement.

8.3 : Respect the Rhinoceros - when the ‘eject’ code word is given, leave the scene gracefully and politely without arguing
8.4 : Give your spouse the “back of the hand” when needed - “Back of Hand” codeword is the locked hands before a karate match. It prevents either person from jumping the gun and attacking early. The relevance is to consider conversations not as personal attacks, but as information exchanges. If you find yourself getting angry, stop. If you’re about to say something that might hurt/anger the other, then make sure that (a) you’re not saying it to hurt/anger them and (b) they know that.
8.5 : Pinky Promises Promote Pleasurable Pastimes
8.6 : The goal of an argument between you and your spouse is not to win the argument. The goal has nothing to do with the topic of the argument, either. The primary goal of discussion of the disagreement is to arrive at an agreement which, in the longer run, strengthens the relationship.

Rule 9: Children should be watched and listened to.... or listened in on and observed.

9.1: Children who are actively trying the “be seen and not heard” cliche are up to something.
9.2: Children who share too much are doing so for a reason. It may have little to do with what they’re sharing. It’s probably best, in the long run, to find out what the real issue is

Rule 10: Do not ever promise anything that you can not be sure of. If you promise, then be sure to make it so.

Rule 11: Do not run into burning houses unless you really need to.

11.1 Metaphorical fires are sometimes hard to see. They are just as hot and the burns hurt just as much
11.2 If you do need to, then try to do it in as rational and well prepared manner as possible. See Rule 3.

Rule 12: Count your shots. “Click” is embarrassing. Sometimes, one could just die of embarrassment.

12.1 Remember Grandad’s instruction that “Click-Ping!” is even worse. (M1 Garand)
12.2 Applies to fuel tanks in cars.
12.3 Applies strongly to checking accounts.

Rule 13: Never underestimate the perversity of the inanimate. Expect and prepare for it. If necessary, emulate it.

13.1: The living are even worse.
13.2 : Governments are composed of both inanimate and living components.

13.2.1 The more noble the name of the law sounds, the more disastrous its results.
13.2.1a if it has a forced acronym name, disastrous results are guaranteed

Rule 14: Reality is malleable. If you pound on it hard enough, it will bend.

14.1 Not always where you expected it.
14.2 Sometimes, other things you didn’t want dented will end up twisted.

14.2.1 Consider the repercussions of your actions. See Rule 0.

Rule 15: It is impossible to teach humans anything. All you can do is provide the information in as palatable a form as possible and hope they consume it.

Rule 16: "People who worry about keeping their job more than they worry about doing it achieve neither."

Rule 17: Society has rules. Sometimes they need to be ignored. Sometimes not. Consider carefully which is which.

17.1 : Your own rules should not be ones you ignore.

Rule 18: When making volatile mixtures, do so in several test batches, each slightly stronger. This allows you to learn what is going to happen later, ideally before anything explodes and removes your fingers.

Rule 19: Avoid deleting things before backing them up somewhere else.

19.1 "Avoid irrevocable acts" - exception is 8.1.

Rule 20: Writing the ballot and counting the votes is even more effective than voting.

20.1: Selecting the options people have to choose among is the best way to cause them to pick the course of action you want.
20.2: If you’re the one designing educational curricula, then you can create the language used on the ballot

Rule 21: When splitting cake, use the Boy Scout Method or the Genghis Khan method, but never both. Beware of those who demand a method you don't agree with.

21.1: Boy Scout Method: One person cuts the item in two pieces. The other person picks which piece they want. The person cutting has a motivation to make the cut as fair as possible, since he doesn’t know which he’ll get. .
21.2: Genghis Khan method: The Khan sticks the cake knife in the other person’s throat, then eats the entire cake.

Rule 22: "There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them." -George Orwell

When you're very, very sure of how much of a genius you are, take a moment and pretend to explain the idea to a 9 year old. If the imaginary 9 year old doesn't think it's a good idea, it's probably not.

Rule 23: Dance like nobody's watching, love like you've never been hurt, program like the end user knows your home address.

23.1 Avoid letting the users get your home address or phone number
23.2 When hurt by someone you’ve loved, remember that it was that person that hurt you... and not everyone will hurt you that way. Don’t jump to think that just because someone in your past did _______ , the current people will.
23.3 Dance because you enjoy the dance, not because you enjoy the reaction of the audience.

Rule 24: Clausewitz managed to pack into 24 (27? 30?) volumes what Sun Tzu got into a booklet. Sometimes brevity is excellent. Sometimes condensing leaves out too much Learning the fine line between the two is the goal

24.1 Avoid too much personal involvement with one small facet of your topic. (Clausewitz wanted Napoleon’s love-child. )

Rule 25: Everybody lies sometimes, intentionally or not. Get your info straight from the source.

25.1 Users filing trouble tickets usually leave the ‘obvious’ (to them) parts out.
25.2 Read source code in preference to reading documentation, since the source is actually what is happening.
25.3 When fogged in, trust your instruments

Rule 26: The true cost of a MicroSoft product is not its purchase price.

Rule 27: People always have 3 reasons for doing something:

27a: the reason they admit to
27b: the reason inside their thoughts they use to justify things
27c: the reason inside their subconscious that is actually motivating them

Rule 28: "The dullest pencil is better than the sharpest memory" - document everything, preferably in a device that reminds you on its own and is loyal to you

28.1 : “Method M” is duller than the dullest pencil, and its loyalties are questionable.
28.2: Document! “If you don’t write it down, it didn’t happen”..

See also 4.1

Rule #29: Cerner could screw up a one-car funeral procession. (Generalized: the vendor you depend on the most is the one most likely to leave you upset.)

29.1 : Cerner is the poster child for Rule 25.
29.2 : For purposes of Rule 22, Cerner developers are considered “hyper-intelligent”
29.3 For purposes of Rule 30, Cerner encompasses all genders.
29.4 : Cerner illustrates a variant of Rule 31 called the “PeeWee Herman / Michael Jackson Effect”
29.5 : Cerner is the polar opposite of Rule 33: They are inexperienced with things they, themselves, created.

Rule #30: No member of gender "A" is sane by the standards used by members of gender "B"

30.1: Applies across species. No dog is really sane by human standards. No cat is sane by dog standards. No human is sane by cat standards.

Rule #31: The Einstein-Buddha Effect: Einstein was a genius who gave new insight into the nature of the Universe. Very Big Brain. The Buddha - same. Huge Brain. Suppose you put the two of them in a room together and left them there - what amazing new insights would they give us? …. nada. No common language. Without the ability to communicate, they’d accomplish nothing.

Rule #32: Moderation in the pursuit of virtue is a vice.

32.1 Moderation in the pursuit of vice is probably a good idea. See Also : 8.2, 8.5, 18 and 19

Rule #33: Number 1 job skill to cultivate: You must be comfortably experienced with things no one has seen yet. (Rule 6 is useful here)

Rule #34: The First Name Rule: the first decision a new parent makes is what to name the kid. This is indicative of the style of future parenting decisions, and thus of the nurture environment of the child. Therefore, people with similar first names have had similar upbringing and thus tend to end up with similar personalities.

Rule #35: Sincerity is the key to everything. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made. - Anonymous Congressman

Rule #36: The body knows what it wants. (Cravings for foods usually have reasons based on the health benefits of the food)

36.1 Rule 36 is not an affirmative defense for violation of Rule 8.2