Kyou Kara Maou?! (MaruMa Gaiden #4)

Chapter 1: The Maou's Harem

Author: Takabayashi Tomo

Illustrator: Matsumoto Temari

Scans: Portrait of a Demon King

Chinese version: 魔王后宫 @ Skyfire

English translator: pyrrhic_victoly

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Note: This first story in the novel is very long, so it has been split into parts.  This is the second half.  It's not an arbitrary split, but something that was also done in the original novel, or at least in the Chinese version that I'm working from.

BACK TO PART I

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II

Because my daughter's growing up, I decided to hold the first ever 'Shin Makoku Singing Dancing Family Party' to deepen our bond.  It was a success, but the night the curtain fell, we woke up when we heard terrible screaming coming from Greta's room.

When we rushed over to the scene, we saw a bunch of suspicious musclemen in puffy white pants and colorful bow ties.

They introduced themselves as the 'Crazy Hunky Manservant Corps?' while tilting their heads to the side as if they were unsure. They said that they came from the depths of Blood Pledge Castle, from a little known area called the 'Maou Oku', and they were here to reclaim the Maou's attention.

I'm their reluctant master, and I never expected there to be a department in the castle I hadn't heard of before.  How did this happen?

So I thought, "I have to check this out right away.  I'll observe them before deciding how to deal with them."  That's what a Maou would do.

But honestly speaking, I was certain that "Maou Oku = Ōoku = beautiful women the likes of which men can only dream of, all together in a HAREM!"  I got carried away with the sexy fantasies and couldn't see the truth at all.

I only discovered it after I'd happily stepped into the room.  It was a forest of muscles as far as the eye could see. ...No, it was a dizzying, infinite conga line of muscles.

It turns out that the previous Maou's idea of a harem wasn't having a group of lovely ladies to take care of Her Majesty, but that the Maou Oku was actually an abbreviation for Magical Musclemen.

Can we (mostly me) have our spirits lifted enough by their performance to come to the rescue of the Maou Oku and its strangely dressed inhabitants?

"At the very least, that uniform has got to go."

We enter through the main doors and went down the hall to the theatre.  All the staff members are courteous and wearing ties.

The self-proclaimed best bank employee in the world, abbreviated "Super Banker" - that is, my dad - once said, "Wearing a tie is great.  Working men become one with their ties, focusing all their drive on job ahead."  But the thing is, from the bartender to the card dealer to the security guard, everyone here is topless.

Smiles, sparkling white teeth, topless but for their ties… you'd never see this in a modern banquet.

"At, at least it's better than bunny ears--"

"What's wrong, Yuuri?  This should be like the costume for the national sport called sumo in the world you grew up in, which you've surely seen many times before?"

"There are no neckties in sumo!"

Those enthusiastic guys forcefully lead us into the theatre's only box seat to watch the musclemen show.

There's only one set of spectators now, but this theatre looks to be about the same size as NHK Hall^[1].  Moreover, they seem to be moving around less than the musical; the first actors on stage are standing like muscle sticks.

Little girls and old ladies, all with killer abs.  Also, as they near the emotional climax, the crew at once start to perform a jiggling-muscles song number.

They have me unwittingly humming along with the catchy melody:

"Muscle, muscle, muscle, muscles are, the, best--"

"Yuuri, are you in trouble?  You've been brainwashed!"  Wolfram, who had been stifling his yawns to watch the show with me, smacks my forehead several times.

Close call - I almost turned into a muscle groupie.

The opera ended, and they continued with another musical performance.

As "El Bimbo" started playing, they turn their vertical muscles into horizontal muscles, and then a little hairless animal, "Lucky-chan", climbed over their huge pecs.

Since they're half naked, there's nowhere to hide any props.  From this perspective, it's like they're making magic without any tricks.

It's miracle-working, just beauty from purely physical techniques.  They used a fantastic mirage to have a white tiger come out of its cage, and then subdued it with their bare hands.  As far as white animals go, a lion is good enough^[2].

I take advantage of the break in the program to poke Conrad in the side.  He knows more about American culture than I do, though I'm the one who was born on Earth.

"I've never lived there, but doesn't this sort of feel like we're in Las Vegas?"

"It's missing the slot machines."

"I've never seen one of their shows, but doesn't this kind of feel like Takarazuka^[3]?"

"I think there's a difference in gender...  Apologies for my lack of diligence."

"Then what analogy should I use here?"

"I suppose it should be regarded as Your Majesty's exclusive playground."  Lord Weller looks depressed.  Maybe it's because it's the work of his own mother that's cropped up now and is giving him a major headache.

"But there's no baseball field here, and no scoreboard.  We can't even round the bases."

"Because everything here was designed to cater to the tastes of your predecessor."

That is to say, everything here matches up with the interests of the previous Maou, Her Majesty Cecilie von Spitzweg.

This means that, from the golden walls to the dark red carpeting, and even the railings on the stairs covered in gemstones, all of it was decorated according to the previous Maou's wishes?

I can't help feeling a sense of foreboding.

"Does this mean that Cheri-sama likes musclemen?"  I look over at Wolfram, who had just been sleeping and was preparing go back to sleep again.  It seems like he's really not suited for tasks that involve staying up all night.  "It can't be.  Even though they say clothes can make the man, they won't completely alter a person."

But even though Wolf is a lot like his mother, I can't deny the possibility that his father could be a really buff man.  Maybe in a few years, so fast that I'll be left in the dust, he'll have evolved into a muscleman...

At this point, a man in a light yellow bow tie, Mayonnaise Fried Calamari, also known as Mayo, stealthily pressed close to me while I was muttering to myself.

"Our passionately welcoming performance, how does it suit the new His Majesty the Maou?"

"It-- has something of a dream-like quality…  Oh!"

With tearful eyes and fingers intertwined beneath a strong chin, he lifts his head to look at me in the pose of a big dog pretending to be a puppy.

To see the star performer put forth such an expression, who am I to say something negative?

"Um, ah--  It was exciting…  I think it was rather exciting…  It could be considered exciting…  But Mayo, let's not talk about our impressions just yet.  First, I have something I want to confirm with you.  Are there only musclemen like yourselves here?"

"You mean to say…"  Mayo raises one perfectly sculpted eyebrow.

"What I mean is, all I've seen up until now has been a bunch of muscles tumbling around…  Sorry, I mean it's all men; there are no women around.  From a certain perspective, wouldn't it be common sense that, in a musical not set during a war, there should be one or two softer female roles?  So I wanted to ask if there were any cute little sisters or handsome ladies or any sexy women coming forth."

"Ah!"  The man in the light yellow bow tie claps his hands once.  He flashes a smile, blindingly white teeth glinting in the light.  "If you're looking for a more handsome crossdresser, we have plenty of them here.  Their physiques are a bit less than ours, but surely they can use their faces to make up for the lack…  So is that how it is, that Your Majesty the new king prefers someone with a more natural charisma?"

"Eh?  You're mistaken; I don't like crossdressers, I like real women."

He gently caresses his chin with a finger, "hmms" to himself while continuously nodding, and completely ignores my words.  

"I truly regret that this point has completely slipped my mind.  I shall immediately make an announcement calling for a nationwide search for pretty boys."

"Whoa!  Don't do that!  Seriously, please don't ever do such a thing!"

It looks like he's still ignoring me and is ready to put his plan into action.  I try to grab Mayo's arm to block him, but because his oiled body is so slick, he slips out of my grasp--  The fact that he's made himself so slick and shiny is also worth noting.

But thinking back on what Mayo just said, it's obviously that my previous train of thought was wrong.  The reason why the group is solely composed of beautiful men must be because theirs is an art that strictly prohibits women from joining.

Thinking about it more carefully, since the previous Maou was Cheri-sama, of course she wouldn't have women in her harem.  Instead, it's chock full of men from all across the country.

It's just a fact of life.

I was confused by my fantasies of what a harem should be, and had such unrealistic expectations.  I even dreamed that, on arriving here, I would finally be able to leave behind this life without women.

"I should have figured this out sooner…"

Wolfram, half asleep, lifts his head to look at me and mumbles:

"Yuuri, your eyes look dead."

"Wolf, let him be.  His Majesty has just taken a step up the ladder to adulthood."

I watch as the older brother keeps the younger brother in check on my behalf.  But then again, his thoughts are somewhat different from mine.

"He's in the process of deciding how to refit the Maou Oku so that it reflects his own tastes…"

"I'm not, I'm not really making any plans?"

The second son of the Maou Oku's previous master puts forth an unexpected expression, his mouth forming into a surprised O.

In desperation, I wave my right hand in front of my face.  "A dissolution--!  It'll simply be dissolved!"

"Y-your Majesty, what did you just say?"  Mayo's face contorts into an expression of exaggerated surprise.  It looks like his jaw was about to fall off.

"I said dissolved.  The Maou Oku that Cheri-sama created is henceforth disbanded.  Starting today, you all are now free to leave this cloistered place."

The other members of the Maou Oku, having just finished their performance, wipe off their sweat and start coming this way.

Each and every one of them has an expression brimming with satisfaction at having done a successful show.

I stand up from the luxurious box seat and clap three times to get their attention.  I raise my voice so that the ones in back can also hear me, and I say as if I'm a famous director:

"Everyone, your acting was wonderful.  So far, I've seen the most brilliant of performances, thank you.  Though the happy memories ended too quickly, I've really appreciated being able to witness your great performances.  Don't you agree, Wolf?  Right, Conrad?"

"Ah?  Yes."

"That's absolutely correct."

Hearing nothing but full praise from the audience, the performers raise their fists and shout out their joy.

I'm an idiot when it comes to art, but I still jumped in with a review of your performance - really sorry about that.

"And there's also something else I'd like to tell everyone: thank you all for your dedicated service to the Maou; it's been tough on you!"

Conrad frowns a little as he lifts his head to look at me.  It seems like he wants to say something, but he's hesitating.

"In order to commend you for your contribution, I intend to forever preserve this corner of Blood Pledge Castle as the Maou Oku Theatre.  However, the previous Maou who brought you all here isn't in the country right now.  She's out traveling the world on a quest for free love.  So from today on, this troupe is dissolved, and all your duties have been lifted!"

The men suddenly go pale.  They start whispering to each other in confusion.

"There's no mistress for you to look after anymore, so you can all go home now!"

"Wait!  Please wait, Your Majesty!"

Mayo can't hide the uncertainty in his heart, and he doesn't know how best to handle the situation, but he figures he should speak up anyway.  As the representative of the Maou Oku, he cannot take this in silence.

"You're dissolving us?  We're truly being dissolved?  Th-that is, His Majesty the new king has no interest in us at all?  This… h-how can this be…  They were hand-picked by Her Majesty the previous Maou?  They're all among the handsomest men from across the land?"

"What you say is true…  Indeed, they're all very handsome men--"

Stop it, fantasies.  Hello, cruel world.

I never thought that I would have such poor luck with the ladies that even my harem of hand-picked beauties would turn into a troupe of singing, dancing musclemen.

"But, you see, I'm also a man.  I'm unable to see your performances as a relaxing getaway."

In an instant, Mayo's expression turns to one of sorrow, like he'd just lost his seven cute children^[4] and is about to cry.  "Is that why you have not enjoyed yourself?"

"That's not it.  I had a great time watching, how could I not have enjoyed it?  And I understand that your art is one that allows only men.  There are some traditional performance arts that do things this way, like Kabuki, or Noh, or the ballet group that my mom buys tickets to every year - they're like that, too.  It's just, in a sense, this is supposed to be my personal amusement park or nightlife paradise, except it's not.  It's really very different."

Countless pairs of eyes are glued to their new master as his arms and legs gesture in ever more excited movements.  How many people are there in this troupe?

"The most important thing is, what Cheri-sama wants in a playmate is different from what I want.  Eh…  Do you know what I mean?  That person's always saying 'I think there's a man who likes me--' but for me, I'd hope for there to be girls who will like me.  On top of that, I've never been a person who likes the nightlife.  Or, more precisely, I should say that I'm usually too tired after baseball practice to do anything other than sleep in the evenings."

To my side, Wolfram abruptly nods in his sleep.

"So that's why I have no need for the Maou Oku.  To keep you all here would be to forever have you rehearsing without a chance to perform.  Isn't that meaningless?"

A memory of how I was two years ago suddenly flashes in my mind.

Always hoping that there would be a chance for me to be called in to play as a pinch hitter while remaining benched at every game, I practiced batting every day to prepare for a chance that I didn't know would ever come.

But I never did get to set foot in the field, nor did I ever get the opportunity to accept the crowd's applause.

"Isn't that meaningless?"

Since it's like that, what's needed is a change in the environment.  A new world where one can continue to work hard.  Doing this is also out of consideration for them.  Perhaps there's another place with a baseball team that needs me; perhaps there's another place where people welcome you with pats on the back.

I was looking to the sky as I thought this, but now I shift back to see the puzzled expressions on the Magical Musclemen before me.

"What?  You can go home now.  And once you've gone back, you can start a new life.  It's also okay if you want to stay here.  If you're willing, you can join a new theatrical group and continue to perform.  You're free to choose without obeying any government officials…  That's not - I mean, you don't have to put up with any bullying or court politics to keep the king's favor."

I don't know if there's any bullying going on here.  I think my speech is getting mixed up with the feel of historical dramas about imperial concubines.

"But, that--  Your Majesty…" blue bow tie Glenn finally says.  The tone of his voice makes it sound like he needs to go to the bathroom, but is being forced to hold it in.  "Even if you asked us to leave, we have no hometowns to return to."

"Ah, aren't you all from this country?"

"That's not what he means, Your Majesty."  Conrad, who had been silent for a long while, says in a low and steady voice, "In order to work at the Maou Oku, these men have all received specialized higher education, learning skills that will please the Maou.  Just removing their posts will not solve their behavior - that they will still be accustomed to acting in this exaggerated, eye-catching manner.  I'm afraid they won't be able to lead normal lives among the general populace."

With what his sympathetic tone implied, the naked bow ties were filled with remorse.  They lower their heads and remain silent.

But what is this so-called "specialized higher education" supposed to be?

I'm really want to know, but then I think it'll turn out to be something I actually didn't want to know.  But then I also think that it'd be better if I knew, since it might come in handy later.

"Do you still want to fire them?"

"Fire…!  Well, what do you want me to do instead?"

And here I thought Conrad was going to help me, when it was the opposite.

He's made me lose a lot of the energy I had before.

"We beg Your Majesty to reconsider!"

"Waaah!"  Puffy pants and bow ties are surrounding me, all of them kneeling and begging with their hands clasped together.  Their muscular shoulders, oiled as they are, still shine with a fearsome light.

"If you have even the slightest thread of pity for us, please keep us on, let us stay within the castle walls!

"D-do I have to keep you hired?  Why don't you try joining another theatre group?"  I look around and couldn't help but be overwhelmed at the scene, filled to bursting with handsome musclemen.  "So many people…  Won't it be hard?"

Their well-developed muscles are topped with sweat and oil, flashing across their skin.  I've been thinking for a while now that it's strange.  Just how many people are there?

Wolfram, who had been dozing off to the side, suddenly pushes up from his chair.

"Whaaa-- What's that flashing, why's the whole ground flashing!"

"Because their beauty oil dripped off and flowed over here.  Careful, Wolf, you shouldn't fall asleep right after looking at this kind of thing!  You'll definitely have nightmares."

"I wasn't sleeping!  Caught in this kind of situation, how could it be possible to sleep!"

The third son, whose face was prettier than those of the Maou Oku, said this while tightly squeezing my hands, his expression appearing especially serious.

"And also, I, too, approve of the dissolution of this organization.  What you said about 'not looking for men', you said it very well!  Atta wimp, Yuuri."

"I can't tell if you're praising me or insulting me, but I want to clear something up.  I never said I wasn't looking for men, just that I don't enjoy the nightlife.  I don't enjoy the nightlife!"

His palm feels warmer than usual, maybe because of the excited atmosphere.  The previous Maou's son shouts like he has the sun running through his veins and he's about to explode.

"Who cares!  In any case, this kind of disgraceful organization ought to be dissolved as quickly as possible.  Mother is so unbearable, her pleasure seeking has gone too far!  Has she even thought of what her status means to the nation?  To go as far as to waste national funds on such useless things…  Yuuri, what is it?  Why do you look so weird?"

Surprisingly, he supports my proposal, making me feel somewhat touched.  It's probably that this has already showed up in my facial expression.

Oh my god!  How surprising that Lord Wolfram von Bielefelt would actually say those words.

Wolfram, who I keep saying is a willful brat, unexpectedly had negative things to say about his mother, Her Majesty the former Queen.

"I think this is a really tough situation.  This must be the first time you've openly criticized Cheri-sama, right?  Have you brothers come to that conclusion together?"

"No."

Unexpectedly, Lord Weller shakes his head.  It looks like the brothers' negotiations failed.

So Wolfram supports my decision; Conrad is against it.

Well I didn't see that one coming.

Having not yet come to a decision regarding the fate of the Maou Oku, it wouldn't do to just chase them out and end the negotiations that way.  However, I feel as if I want to purposely keep avoiding that talk.

Who taught those musclemen to beg in such a frightening way.

They start to weep, lament the awfulness of this world, and they all kneel together.

"If Your Majesty has the least bit of pity for us, please keep us hired, let us stay within the castle walls!  Please take pity on us--!"

"Please take pity on us!"

A whole colony of able-bodied adults flattering, charming, and begging the newly crowned wimp king.  It must look hilarious to others.  Having been unsettled by their groveling attitudes, I unconsciously mutter, "I'm sympathetic to you.  Will you be happy now?"

"What?"

But I can't act coldly to them with their big, watery puppy eyes.

"Nothing, it's really nothing.  I was just thinking for a bit, that although there's no need for nightlife entertainment within castle, and that won't change, it doesn't mean I have to undermine your existence.  I'll think carefully on how to deal with this situation when I go back."

"Oh, such benevolent and heartfelt words!  Thank you, thank you so much, Your Majesty!"

"No need for thanks, this is my job--  Letting everyone live a comfortable life is my job."

Mayo adjusts his bow tie, then "Ta da!" he shoots out a finger.  Red bow tie and blue bow tie exit from the side of the main doors to send in two round objects.

"It may be but an insignificant gift, but Your Majesty is welcome to choose a souvenir."

Two pots of the same size and shape.  If there weren't sheets of paper pasted on them, it would have been impossible to tell them apart.

One sheet is red, and the other, which looks about to peel off, is blue.

Short sentences are written on them in flowing calligraphy.  They wouldn't be curses, would they?

"Should I choose the red one or the blue one…  Seems like I've heard that phrase before.  Did you want me to pick one of the two?"

Mayo, his face full of smiles, nods in response.

Since it's a souvenir, it should be a "pretty good item".  However, seeing how they've been placed by either side of the entrance, the feeling is like that of guardian lions warding off evil spirits^[5].

"These have been preserved from when the Maou Oku was completed, and were given to us to guard.  According to Cheri-sama, they are unique among the world's valuables."

"Okay--  I like blue, so I'll just pick this one with the blue paper on it…  Oh, wait a sec!  If I open this, it won't pour out white smoke and turn me into an old man, centuries pass in the blink of an eye, that type of thing?"

Wolfram unconsciously keeps his distance from the pot.  Lord Weller can't help but smile as he says, "Your Majesty, how could that be?  It's not like in the story of Urashima Taro^[6]."

"Conrad...  Are you the reincarnation of Dave Spector^[7]?"

Speaking of Dave Spector, he's still alive and well.

That's how things came to be, that right now, in front of me is a brown pot with a diameter of about twenty centimeters.

The measurements are just about right for an ordinary family to use it for pickling plums.  There are cracks on the upper part, and covered with a water-blue cloth tied tightly with a cord.

"It wouldn't really be pickled plums inside, would it?"

I hum the muscle song that's been stuck in my head as I pace around the souvenir.

It's very lightweight, and it there aren't any sounds coming from within.

Wolfram doesn't care that it's morning already; he's still sleeping.  Conrad's getting tea, so I'm the only one in the living room with the pot, staring at it with one eye squinted.

People always say not to eat things if you don't know where they came from, but this is in Blood Pledge Castle, and it's something that was from Cheri-sama's loyal servants in the Maou Oku.  It's probably not poisoned?

Setting that thought aside for now, I'm not even sure there's actually food inside.  Even though it does look like there are tasty pickled plums in there, I'll be fine as long as I don't eat them, right?

I can't stop myself from slowly untying the cord and lifting the cloth covering.

It doesn't smell like pickled plums.

It also lacks any sort of moldy odor even though it hasn't been opened for a long time.  There's no odor at all.

"Did I pick the wrong one?"

I think to myself for a moment, "So the red one was the grand prize?" as I move to take a peek inside--

"KA-KA-KA-KA-KA!!"

"Aaah!"

A distorted sphere flies out along with the sound of a taiko drum.  When it hits my face, it feels like a deflated rubber ball.

It doesn't hurt, but it scares me so much that I tip over my chair and fall to the ground.

"Yuuri?"

Lord Weller just returned from the kitchen and he doesn't even have time to set down the teapot before he rushes to my side.

As for that rubber ball, it keeps bouncing from wall to wall.  It flies around the room like an automatic squash ball.

It's so fast that I can't follow it with my eyes; all I can see are blue lines.

All of a sudden it hits the ceiling and comes straight down at me.

I scramble away to protect myself.

"Conra...  Wow, I feel...  I feel like I'm... Ahhh--!"

The thing turned too quickly and hit the chair, but then it rebounded and now it's crawling into my...my...!

"There's something in my pants!"

"Calm down, please calm down!"

In order to prevent me from struggling, Conrad wraps both hands tightly around my leg.  Because of this, my back is plastered to the ice-cold floor.

"Shh--  Please stay still for a moment."

He wants me to stay still, but that weird ball is inside my clothes, twisting around!  I'm scared and I'm disgusted and I can't calm down.

I want to take off my pants right away and toss them into a washing machine.  But that warm rubber ball has suddenly lost its elasticity.  Now it's stopped in the vicinity of my right knee.

It doesn't feel like rubber anymore.  Now it's like slime stuck to my leg.

"Uh, I think...  It stopped on my leg."

"You don't need to say anything."

"I think...  It's stuck to my knee."

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but Lord Weller's expression looks very serious.

"I'll help you confirm it.  Are you ready?  I'm going to roll up your pants."

He carefully pulls up the pant leg.  I'm not brave enough to look, so all I can do is look up at the ceiling.  What the hell is on my right leg?

"Lord Weller?"

There's no response.  It's the same with that thing; as soon as it attached to my leg, it stopped moving.

"Conrad?"

"Your Majesty..."

His reply is mixed with a sigh.  With my right leg half-exposed to the cold air, I'm getting goosebumps.

"Calling me 'Your Majesty' again, it's r-really unbearable.  D-don't call me that.  You're the one who named me...  Has something bad happened?"

"I think it's better if you don't look..."  With these words, Conrad lifts his head with a heavy expression.  "On your knee, there's a Thomas the Tank Engine."

"What--?"

As I sit up, my neck and shoulders crack painfully, but the reason my face is so pale isn't because of the pain.  It has more to do with the impact of what I'm seeing.

There's a round blue thing in the middle of my right knee.  And this thing, it has, it has a face.  A face!

"Wah!  And it's smiling!  It can't be.  Is it a face?  Is it really a face?  What the hell is this!  Conrad, what is this thing?"

"As I said, it's a Thomas the Tank Engine..."

"I think it looks more like the blue drum in Taiko no Tatsujin^[8], doesn't it?  Its eyes are all round and it has that smiley face.  Was the blue one Wada Don, or was it Wada Katsu?"

Now is definitely not the time to go, "Wow!  What a nice shiny blue color!" in an attempt to escape reality.

"Why is Wada Katsu on my knee?"

"I think this is called a 'facial tumor'.  I was too careless; I should not have left you alone."

Lord Weller puts his hand to his forehead, as if he's blaming himself for having committed a mistake.  Once again, I fall backward.  The back of my head hits the stone floor.  I've pretty much calmed down now.

"I never expected a facial tumor would be hiding in the souvenir."

"It was my fault for opening it.  I'm sorry; this was a result of my actions."

"No, the ones at fault are the musclemen who dared present such dangerous goods to the king.  If we let Günter know, they'll be punished severely and it'll be over."

It can't be that the red one was the grand prize, and this is the "thanks for your patronage"?  It's just like in the story, "The Tongue-Cut Sparrow^[9]".  Because I took the "thanks for your patronage", there was a monster inside.

"But luckily it's in a place that I can hide under my clothes.  That way no one has to find out before I'm cured.  But... even if it was on my neck, it would be all right."

Conrad gives me a pained smile and then lets go of my leg. 

"It's actually something that children like.  It's very cute."

Save me, Fat Controller^[10].

Unfortunately, our plan to hide this ailment has failed because of a certain person who can't ever mind her own business.

Because of the Red Demoness.

She kicks down the door at full power.  She even has in her hands two thin golden rods bent into 90 degree angles, and points them at me, making me tremble.

"Aha!  This is the room, this is the room!  Behold, this maryoku-powered detector, 'Dowsing-kun' is reacting strongly!  It's here, it must be here?  It's here, isn't it?"

"Good morning, Lady Anissina."

Lady Anissina von Karbelnikoff lifts her chin to regard me with her clear blue eyes.  "Ah, Your Majesty."  Then she slowly shifts her line of sight downwards to the new face stuck to my knee.  "Ah, it's Pot-sama."

"You know this thing?"

"Of course I know."

She sets down the strange metal rods and, with an expression of astonishment, crosses her arms over her chest.  She taps the stone floors with the sharp point of a shoe.

"Haven't I warned you before?  Beware of 'Pot-sama'!"

Isn't "Harem-sama" supposed to be the harem's steward?^[11]

"We'll use the drying method," Lady von Karbelnikoff says while sitting beside us and elegantly sipping at her tea.  We're anxious even as we eat breakfast, constantly worrying about how to deal with the facial tumor.

Also sitting next to her is Greta, who's desperately trying to imitate her.

"If we dry it out, there should be no problem.  All we have to do is remove the moisture content from the thing attached to His Majesty.  As it dries, it will naturally fall off."

"Haa--  Lady Anissina, please don't be so straightforward.  What you're saying is that we just have to use a maryoku powered blow-dryer?"

"No, no, we can't use that.  If we blow a little cold air on it, Pot-sama will jump inside.  Actually, Blue Pot-sama is very afraid of cold, so it's drawn to warm places.  It will slowly make its way towards warmth."

Jump inside.  Jump inside where?  It can't mean in my thigh or crotch, can it?  Without realizing it, I reach out and grip the tablecloth.  Just thinking about it is making my hair stand up on end.  Conrad is also feeling quite uncomfortable. Conrad, I forbid you from making a cold joke right now.

"What~?  Yuuri, is there a puppy in your pants?"

Because we didn't want to scare her, we haven't told Greta about the facial tumor.  Sitting between the Poison Lady she idolizes and her most beloved (I wish) father, she happily stuffs her mouth full of fresh-baked bread.

"Greta, you're not a little kid anymore.  How could there be a puppy in my pants?  It would be great if it were a puppy...  Wait, how do you know about this, Anissina?"

She set down the teacup and raised her chin.  "Because I invented it."

Gwendal's tragic cry of "Please don't invent such things!" rings through my mind.

"Back then, Cheri-sama said, 'Oh-- Anissina, I'd love it if you could create a guardian that won't let anyone into the Maou Oku~'," Anissina says as she clasps her elbows to her chest, wriggling her body back and forth in imitation.  "So I accepted the commission."

It's probably true.  If it was Cheri-sama, there's a strong possibility that something like this happened.  No wonder they were placed near that unused corridor.

"That being the case, Lady Anissina must have an antidote, right?  There's got to be a powerful antidote that can get this Wada Katsu off of my body!"

"Yuuri, is Wada Katsu the name of the puppy?  Greta thinks Kishiwada^[12] sounds better than Wada Katsu--"

Please stop trying to name it.  Lady Karbelnikoff narrows her eyes at me, and as she sees that I'm trying to cover it up, she lets out a knowing smile and says, "Of course there's an antidote.  To be more accurate, I should say that there used to be one.  Once applied to the affected area, Pot-sama would quickly become freeze-dried.  Then it would fall off; that was the miracle cure, 'Pot Spot Remover'.  I regret to say that my supplies of 'Pot Spot Remover' were stolen during the war because it was also an effective treatment for foot blisters."

Lord Weller lifts his head to regard the ceiling, looking like he has a secret.

"Well, how about I create a new antidote?  No, Your Majesty, there's no need for hesitation!  Creating medication with a similar effect will be a piece of cake for me."  Lady Anissina von Karbelnikoff flipped her red hair and held up two pale fingers.  "Just give me twenty days!"

That's a really long time.  Greta, who doesn't even know what's going on, starts to worship her again.  Danger!  It appears that she has a tendency to become addicted to Poison Ladies.

"That's no good, Anissina.  I can't wait that long."

Conrad can't stand to watch anymore; he can't help but intervene.  "If he has to live with it for twenty days, Yuuri might develop feelings for it and wouldn't want it to leave."

"The facial tumor?  I'll develop feelings for the facial tumor?  No way, absolutely no way!"

They're not listening to the host's objections.

"Oh, I see.  It is rather cute."

"It's not cute, it's not cute at all!"

"What?  The puppy?  Is it the puppy?"

"Your Majesty, though you are kind-hearted, you must not go too far."

"Never mind that, can you people not listen to me at all--!"

The three are silent at once, in a "Then we'll listen to you," sort of atmosphere.

"Listen to me, Greta, there is no..."  As I take a deep breath, preparing to clarify things with her, I hear five rapid knocks on the door.  "Puppy...  Who's there?"

I've just been interrupted.  It's Günter's subordinate, Dacascos, politely knocking at the door.  Conrad stands up from his seat.

"What have you come here for, so early in the morning?  His Majesty is still having breakfast."

"I'm so sorry, but I'm actually here for Your Excellency."

"Looking for me?"

Dacascos gingerly rubs his bald head, fingers sliding over his scalp.  "Yes.  I can't find His Excellency Günter and His Excellency Gwendal.  I can't report back until I've gotten them to sign this form for army provisions.  Has someone ordered the soldiers to carry more preserved foods?  The child doing the deliveries has been waiting since yesterday, but the person in charge has just gotten sick and is laid up in bed."

Although I know where Lord von Voltaire is, I can't talk about that here.

Unless I want to make an enemy of the woman sitting here, calmly sipping her tea, then I really can't say anything more.

"Ordered more...  I remember now; it was the dehydrated vegetables.  They're being sent here for the new recruits who are going to be training to deal with shipwrecks."

Greta leaned forward as soon as she heard the words 'dehydrated vegetables'.  "Is Pachiri still here?  Those dried veggies were sent by Pachiri, right?"

I know I've heard that name before, but I can't remember who it is.

It was just yesterday, but it feels like so long ago.

Who's Pachiri?  Greta's friend?

"Greta said very impolite things to Pachiri.  I said that I hated dried vegetables the most, but those dried vegetables were made from hard work by Pachiri and the headmistress and everyone at the orphanage.  I said that I hated them...so I have to apologize to him!"

She's barely ten years old.  She has no idea that the adults around her are aware of her feelings.  Although the words that she blurted out really hurt the other kid, they'll both be able to make up.

"Dacascos, can I go look for Pachiri?"

I've got it!  I slam my hand onto the table and the teacups shake; the spoons clank.

"Yeah, Pachiri!  The preserved food!"

"Your Majesty?"

Lord Weller, his hands holding the document, is surprised.  Greta is anxiously fiddling with her hands while Anissina raises her beautiful eyebrows.

He's the kid we met backstage yesterday, who put the white flower in our star actress' hair.  He said he was at Blood Pledge Castle to deliver army rations, and that he happened to come across the auditorium on his way back.

"Conrad, it's that rapid freeze-drying method!  FREEZE DRY!  We heard what Pachiri said about the head of the orphanage being an expert in preserving foods, so can't we just use their drying method to peel this thing off?  Let's go find the food preservation expert.  Be happy, Greta!  Today we're going to have a picnic outside of the castle!"

"Really--?"

This is great.  Hold on, facial tumor.  I'll ask the headmistress to personally turn you into jerky.  And then when you're just a large scab, you'll fall off by yourself.

When we head down to visit the boy, light is flashing off his strawberry blond hair as he shakes his head back and forth.  He seems very interested in the man on the cargo pallet.

Of course, this is also only natural.

Like a deflated ball, the person sitting on the back of Pachiri's delivery carriage is none other than Mayo of the Maou Oku.  He's hugging the brown pot set atop his knees, and his head droops as if in mourning.  Even the muscles he's so proud of seem to have been affected by his depression.

It was because he didn't know "Pot-sama" was a Karbelnikoff trap that he treated it as a gift worthy of sending to his master.

This time I've really poked through a super-deep basket.^[13]

It's a far cry from trying to promote the Maou Oku.  He's lucky he's not being charged for attempted assassination.

Personally, I'm not that angry at him, but from just a while ago, he's been shouting that he should cut his abs as repentance.  But… Your abs are already cut.  As he sighed for the 49th time, his pale yellow bow tie drooped and quivered along with him.

The problem is that, no matter how sad he is or how much he regrets his actions, just one look at the way he's dressed makes him seem insincere.

"May I ask… Your Majesty, is Mr. Mayo always naked?"

"He has a special fondness for white pants."

It's more tactful to say that they would have trouble integrating into society due to their exaggerated mannerisms.  The rude way to say it is that it has to do with the way they dress.

The boy, not understanding the situation, is full of admiration as he says, "He gives the feeling of being a very unique individual."

I don't think he'd be able to imagine that I've already been surrounded by hundreds of those exact same unique individuals, or that I tried to get them jobs.

They were also the ones responsible for my suffering this unspeakable thing on my body that I now have to secretly find help for.

"Anyway… Pachiri, your headmistress is good at drying foods, and can even flash-freeze them?"

"It shouldn't be a problem.  The headmistress is an expert in this field.  Even before she became the headmistress of the orphanage, they called her a 'withered old woman', and the villagers all fear and respect her very much.  They say that if he even taps you with a single finger, you'll shrivel up."

"That's great!  Seems like she'd be able to dry up the Thomas the Tank Engine on my right knee."

It doesn't hurt or itch at all, and actually it's not too inconvenient a thing.

However, I know that it has a tendency to move inward because it's afraid of the cold, so it'd be best to get rid of it now.

Greta, sitting behind Conrad, asks me, "Can we go there?"

"Of course we can…  Hey, Greta!  Careful!"

"Don't worry--"

Without hearing the rest of her reply, I see that she's already leapt from my horse's back and into the carriage.  Finding her balance, she crawls into the spot beside the driver's seat.  At first they had some misgivings about each other, but pretty soon it felt like they were friends.  Greta twines a finger into Pachiri's curls as she says, "It smells like vegetables in the back."

"Not like meat?  It was dried meats back there just now."

"Un."

She lets out another "un", nods her head and bites her lips.  "About that…  Pachiri, I'm sorry."

Pachiri stares at her as if in shock, like not even in his dreams could he imagine that a princess would apologize to him.

"What for?"

"Because I said 'dried vegetables are the worst'!  I'm so sorry.  Wasn't it something the orphanage worked very hard to make?  But then I blurted out something so rude, so I'm really sorry."

Pachiri tilts his head a little and says, "Greta, before…"

Just then, when she spoke while hugging her knees, there was a slight trembling in her voice.  I'm at a loss for what to do, thinking that she might be crying, but it turns out that my worry is unnecessary because she quickly becomes cheerful-sounding again.

"Before, all I had to eat were dried vegetables and meats.  Because those were the only foods I could get hold of.  So I started to hate them because they're hard and have no flavor.  And they also make me think of the times when I had no one by my side, when there was only darkness around me, and everything was only ever about the stones."

"Your Highness the princess has had a dark past?" her new friend asks.  He doesn't understand what happened to her.

I'm also surprised, and I mutter to myself, "Really?  How long did you live like that?"

But there's just one thing I truly want to ask.

Greta, right now you…

She flings her auburn hair back with a shake of the head, straightens out her knees and sticks her legs out.

"But things are different now!  I can eat lots of different kinds of foods.  If I eat dried vegetables now, I'll definitely think they're great.  Because I'm not feeling lonely anymore."

The boy blinks a few times, staring at Greta's shoulder that's about to touch his own.  It's like he can't believe this child could have had such a painful past.  He continues to show his pure smile and says, "Are you saying that just to make me feel better?"

"As if!  Greta is now Yuuri's child, but it's not like I'm one of those sheltered ladies who's never seen the outside world!  It's true that all I had to eat in the past were dried vegetables and meats, and maybe some rats - it's not a big deal."

Greta, upon discovering that Pachiri doesn't believe her, is able to make her horrid past out to be a joke.  She's truly a cheerful child.

I want to hug her tightly to myself.  If there were no people around, that's what I would do.

"When you bite them, they make crunching sounds."

"You just eat them dry?  That's not right; you're not a soldier.  They're supposed to be soaked in water first, and then seasoned before eating.  Even on the battlefield it's the same deal.  If you want, I could teach you.  I know how to make them taste really good.  If you want to get them soft, it's faster with boiling water."

Pachiri says this all in one breath, then lowers his head and laughs.  His slim shoulders shake along with the laughter.

"That Your Highness the princess can gnaw on dried vegetables…  You weren't playing a space-food game?"

"Why would I?"

"Because wasn't it in the lyrics?  It said that on one side was the ultimate warrior, and the other side gnawed on space-food.  Though I don't know what it was they were gnawing on."

Maybe Pachiri thought singing it would be faster than explaining.  He lifts his eyes to the sky and starts to sing the song that he heard not so long ago.

"Humans are so troublesome!  To outer space for a big fight!"

No matter how many times I hear it, the lyrics still sound so stupid to me.  However, his singing voice is as beautiful as before.  This heavenly boy's treble is his innate gift.

Even though I think it's best not to interrupt the kids' conversation as the third wheel, I still can't help but praise him.  "That was great, perfectly done!  I think your singing voice is beautiful!  It's just like an angel's; so much that I think you'll sprout wings!"

"Thank you for the kind words, Your Majesty.  But only kotsuhizoku have wings."

"A-although it's the word of Your Majesty…"

Pachiri jumps and almost lets go of the reins upon hearing Mayo of the Maou Oku suddenly enter the conversation; I was also almost thrown off my horse.  He was just sitting there,  head lowered and sighing continuously as he hugged the pot, and then he suddenly springs up to say what?

"He still cannot be considered perfect."

Using the defense of "Because he's still a child?" won't work with this man, who is also one of Shin Makoku's leading performance artists.  He wears a very solemn expression as he sits, flexing his muscles.  Don't you feel cold only wearing those puffy pants?

"As he sang 'To outer space for a big fight!', the last note was unstable.  I was also unable to see into his heart, and so was not emotionally moved.  To put it another way, he wasn't into the role."

"You don't have to be so harsh to a child…"

"No, Your Majesty.  He should improve himself!"  He looks unwilling to compromise.  "You should try singing the last note straight instead of sliding into it."

The man dressed in only puffy pants and a bow tie is giving Pachiri directions.  It'd be hard not to be scared.

However, even though Pachiri is at a bit of a loss, he listens to the instructions and sings it once again.  The muscleman immediately smiles.

"That's it--  Great, just like that!"  Mayo pats the boy's back to show his praise.  If the patting continues, that slender body will be sent flying.

I think to myself that I ought to stop this, but as I extend my right hand--

"This time I'll teach you how to express emotions.  Remember this simple exercise.  Anyone can do it."

"Anyone?"

"That's right.  Don't worry, you're sure to be able to learn this right away."

Hearing this, the boy's eyes flash with curiosity.  Perhaps because he wants to learn it quickly, he turns his whole body around to glance behind him.

I pull back the hand that had been about to stop Mayo, and use it instead to grab hold of the blue-colored reins, slowly pulling up even with Lord Weller's horse.  Because I want to take advantage of this time while I still remember, I tell him the things that just crossed my mind.

"Don't you think Mayo's well-suited for being a teacher?"

"A teacher?"  Conrad looks at me with a tiny wrinkling of his brow.  He hesitates, and doesn't speak further.

However, his lips and facial muscles relax, and I know he's smiling.  That's his "I knew it" expression.

"Of course, provided that he wears actual clothes."

Mayo, crawling over the distance to the coachman's seat, presents Pachiri with another problem.

"Why do they go to outer space for a big fight?  If you can describe the situation clearly, as well as put your all into understanding the feelings, you will most definitely be able to move others.  Why do you want to send your troops to outer space?"

"Why…"  Pachiri removes one hand from the reins to scratch his ear.  He's probably never considered this problem before.  "I just think, if they were to fight so fiercely on the ground, it would involve a lot more people, so it's too dangerous.  Because on the ground… there's Her Highness the princess and His Majesty."

The temporary instructor, a proud expression on his face, lifts up a finger and wags it.  He's happy to the point of almost leering at the people around him.  

"Then I invite you to sing a new song."

"Eh?  I can't do something like that!"

"You can!  You just need to use your feelings for Her Highness the princess; put into words how you see her in your heart.  It's because there's an important person here that you would think to move the battle to outer space, so you let those feelings pour over your mind and sing it out.  Try it!"

The boy's cheeks light up in a faint blush, and after saying a few words he begins to sing.  However, because of the wind kicking up, we're unable to hear the lyrics.

Still, it's enough for Greta, who sits at his side.

She suddenly reaches out with both her delicate hands to pull Pachiri tightly to her.  There's simply no way for us to interfere.

The boy is red all the way down his neck now.

I don't know whether I should look shocked or if I should sigh, because there's no time for me to even utter a sound.  In my mind, the passage of time is flowing off by itself; it keeps showing the events of what might happen a few days later.

We'll arrive at Pachiri's home, Pot-sama will be removed, and I will immediately return to the castle.

After that--

Don't you think he'd make a great teacher?

The performers of the Maou Oku will be invited to become teachers of the arts, going to schools all across the country.  Their salary will be the same as before, so there will be no need to worry about the budget.

I don't know if this is a good idea, and maybe someone will object, and it will still be a problem to decide where to send each person.  Basically, it's not something that's so easily done.

It would also be worrisome if things advanced too smoothly.  After all, this is a proposal from me, who's an amateur when it comes to politics and public policy.

But I still wish to be the one to make this happen, and to be there to see the results with my own eyes.

Greta, laughing along with the boy, turns her head to me.  "Yuuri, listen!  Pachiri…"

I pretend that I'm not the type of father to worry about little things; I lift up my right hand to wave back.

Until the time when that issue is settled…  No, even if it's never settled, I'm going to tell Wolfram that my daughter has embraced a man that's not her father, and then the two of us will have a pity party together.  We'll be so idiotically depressed that it'll surprise Greta.

It's okay if we're laughed at for being childish.

Because having a close parent-child relationship only lasts for a short time, for the ten or so years before middle school.