What is an Asexual?

An asexual is somebody who does not feel sexual attraction. But what does that mean?

First, let’s talk about sexual feelings.

All sexual feelings can be organized into one of three categories:

libido AKA "I'm turned on" - the urge to feel sexual release (orgasm) that causes your body to “get horny” -- a physical biological response that’s not necessarily directed at a particular individual. Asexuals CAN experience undirected libido.

→ Asexuals can have high, medium, low, or no libido.

sexual attraction AKA "I'm turned on by YOU" - the thing asexuals DON'T feel - a sexual urge directed toward a particular person; a "hunger" or "craving" for or “magnetism” toward somebody's body. Pure asexuals CAN’T feel sexual attraction, but others on the asexual spectrum CAN feel sexual attraction, just very rarely compared to those on the sexual spectrum (more on that in the Asexual Orientation section.)

sexual desire AKA "I want to do sexual activities" - the desire to participate in sexual activity - asexuals CAN have sexual desire, but not all do! Some asexuals actively pursue sexual relationships, some asexuals don't care either way, some asexuals have zero interest in having sex, and some are actively repulsed by the idea of having sex. Choosing to participate in sexual activities does not require libido or sexual attraction.

→ Asexuals can be sex-favorable, sex-indifferent, sex-averse, or sex-repulsed.

A few reasons (out of many) why asexuals might choose to have partnered sex:

  • For the feeling; sexual activity can still be physically satisfying to some asexuals.
  • To engage with a sexual-spectrum partner; sex can be a way to communicate affection with someone.
  • To conceive a child.

Asexual Orientation

There are three "primary" types on the asexual spectrum:

Asexual - has never experienced sexual attraction

Greysexual - experiences sexual attraction very rarely

Demisexual - experiences sexual attraction only after having a strong emotional bond

There are many more nuanced micro-labels, but most of them are simply elaborating upon these primary types by specifying the conditions in which they feel libido, sexual attraction, or sexual desire.

Romantic Orientation 

The Split Attraction Model distinguishes sexual orientation from romantic orientation. Most are already aware that sexual orientation is determined by which gender(s) someone feels sexual attraction to. Likewise, romantic orientation is determined by which gender(s) someone feels romantic attraction to. People who are allosexual (on the sexual spectrum) may also be aromantic, and people who are asexual may still feel romantic attraction.

Aromantic - does not feel romantic attraction to anyone

Heteromantic - feels romantic attraction for the opposite gender

Homoromantic - feels romantic attraction for the same gender

Biromantic - feels romantic attraction for multiple genders

Panromantic - feels romantic attraction regardless of gender

Anyone can also be Greyromantic (you experience romantic attraction very rarely) or Demiromantic (you experience romantic attraction only after establishing a strong emotional bond.) Polyamorous people pursue concurrent romantic relationships. There are many other romantic nuances, but these listed are the most common.

Types of Attraction

Though asexuals can’t feel sexual attraction, they can still experience other types of attraction!

Romantic attraction - attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons

Aesthetic attraction - occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction

Sensual attraction - the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling

Emotional attraction - the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality (this type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships)

Intellectual attraction - the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks rather than the person themselves

What is Sexual Attraction?

If you’ve never or very rarely experienced sexual attraction, you are on the asexual spectrum. So how does one describe sexual attraction?

Simplest Explanation

  • Sexual attraction is looking at someone and getting the urge to have sex/do sexual things with that person in particular. You may choose to act on that urge or you may not, but the attraction is there.
  • Strong feelings of sexual attraction are often described as “lusting after somebody.”
  • In addition to the sexual urge, you feel heat and your body might even experience very mild arousal being around them, totally out of your conscious control. Physical changes occur like blushing, heart racing, etc. Different people may inspire different degrees of intensity for these reactions within you.

Craving

  • Like craving a certain food, sexual attraction is a physical feeling similar to feeling hunger, but for a specific person’s body.
  • Say you’re hungry (horny) and someone offers you some french fries (sexual activities.) You may choose to have some because you’re hungry. But you’re not necessarily craving french fries in particular (sexual attraction.) Libido, desire to have sex, and sexual attraction are distinctly different in that way.

An asexual person can still have sex and even enjoy the physical or emotional sensations of sex with a partner without feeling sexual attraction. Not all asexuals desire or enjoy sex.

Magnetism

  • Some describe sexual attraction as a physical pull to someone, like a magnet. It is accompanied by a sexual urge toward that person.
  • You're hyper-aware of the person and where their body is at all times and you want to be touching them. Your mind starts sexually fantasizing about the person, often without your conscious direction. Perhaps as mild as imagining them naked, or as explicit as imagining actual sexual acts with them.
  • It can be someone you know or a celebrity, but seeing them makes you want to be physically close to them in a sexual way.

An asexual can watch porn or read erotica and be turned on by seeing or imagining physical acts of sex, but does not feel sexual attraction to the individual(s) in the pornography. Not all asexuals have libido / masturbate.

Infographics

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Other Questions

Why are Greysexuals and Demisexuals Part of the Asexual Spectrum?

Some people ask: if asexuality is defined as people who don’t feel sexual attraction, then why include greysexuals and demisexuals in the asexual spectrum?

The short answer: community.

Some greysexuals or demisexuals might only feel sexual attraction to one or two people in their entire lives. That’s far removed from the allosexual experiences. Why force them to identify as allosexual when they relate to asexual experiences 98% of the time? It’s important for people to not feel broken just for being the way they were born to be. For that, they should be surrounded by people who can understand and relate to them.

Does the Split Attraction Model Apply to Allosexuals?

Allosexuals are occasionally able to feel a disconnect between romantic and sexual attraction. People can sometimes feel sexually but not romantically attracted to someone - or vice versa - on an individual level.

It is very rare but there are also some who identify with differing romantic and sexual orientations (i.e. somebody who is biromantic but homosexual.) It is otherwise implied that someone who identifies as an allosexual is both romantically and sexually attracted to the same gender of people and don’t need to utilize the Split Attraction Model to accurately describe their experiences.

It's important to note that attraction is entirely out of conscious control. Someone can choose to have relationships with only certain genders or with certain individuals but they can't control who they feel sexual or romantic attraction to.

Can I “Become” Asexual?

One can not consciously or purposefully stop feeling sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is a physical response, not a choice. One can certainly choose to not act on their sexual attraction or choose to be celibate, but you cannot stop yourself from feeling sexual attraction in the same way a gay man cannot be forced to stop feeling sexual attraction to men. Asexuals were just born this way.

Some responses to trauma result in a person rarely or temporarily ceasing to feel sexual attraction. Some medications or hormonal imbalances can affect libido, sexual desire, and frequency of sexual attraction, as well. If a person has felt sexual attraction regularly before the trauma or medical issues, they may find that medical or therapeutic assistance helps them.

That being said, if trauma or medical issues make someone relate long-term to the asexual spectrum, they may find themselves wishing to identify on the spectrum or to join an online community in order to get support from people who understand their experiences. For most in the a-spec communities this is accepted.

Online Resources

This document is intentionally a very basic description of what asexuality is. If you want to deepen your understanding, feel free to check out these resources!

Asexual Micro-labels & Other Terminology

  • For a comprehensive list of asexual, romantic, attraction, and gender terms, you can refer to this document.

Online Asexual Communities

Educational Resources

Podcasts

“Am I Asexual?”