Summary of
Bringing up Bebe

One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

By Pamela Druckerman

Summary by Kyle Wilcox
November, 2016

This summary is intended to communicate the main points of Bringing Up Bebe so that I can quickly go back and remember what I read and so that people who don’t have time to read the whole book can get a basic understanding of it.

French children don't throw food

Druckerman and her husband take their 18 month old daughter on a vacation. At the restaurant, all they have time for is keeping their child under control. She is spilling salt shakers and tearing apart sugar packets. The French children are sitting and waiting patiently for their food, which is fish and vegetables, not baby food. And they eat one course at a time. This scene inspired her to research the difference between French and American parenting and write a book about it.

Druckerman also observers that when French families visit each other, the French children play contentedly while the adults have adult time. She notes that French parents aren't panicked.  They are better at establishing boundaries and giving autonomy for their children.

Druckerman is American, her husband (Simon) is British. They raise their daughter (nicknamed ‘Bean') in France and eventually add twin boys to the family, also in France.

Druckerman decides to take notes on every situation she encounters about parenting. She keeps a notebook in the diaper bag. She is doing journalism on parenting and she is going ask experts as well.

Some of the best parenting books have never been translated from French to English and the ideas in them have never made their way to America.

Some things that make life easier for French parents: they don’t have to pay for preschool, health insurance, or college.  Many get cash assistance.

Druckerman says that the differences between French and American parenting are not superficial. “You need a very different view of what a child actually is.”

Chapter 1 are you waiting for a child?

Background information about Druckerman’s romance with Simon, a british football (soccer) reporter who grew up in Holland and many other countries as his parents moved a lot.

She gets pregnant and and starts reading all the American/English self-help pregnancy and parenting books and websites.  Much of this literature implies that every bite of food the mother eats while pregnant will have a major affect on the child (even to the point of influencing SAT scores.). Druckerman tries to take all this seriously and goes to great lengths to follow every recommend best practice and diet. However, she’s “not sure that anyone follows all this advice. Like me, they probably just absorb a certain worried tone and state of mind.”

Chapter 2 Paris is burping

Druckerman lives in small Paris apartment with  a cobblestone courtyard and many neighbors living in close proximity to other apartments and houses.  One neighbor named Anne is due a few months before Druckerman. She notes that Anne and other French women handle pregnancy different.

“American women typically demonstrate our commitment by worrying and by showing how much we’re willing to sacrifice, even while pregnant; whereas French women signal their commitment by projecting calm and flaunting the fact that they haven’t renounced pleasure.”

French women and their doctors are less concerned about avoiding potentially dangerous foods. In one example, the doctor allowed a mother-to-be to eat oysters, stating that she seemded to be a reasonable person and to make sure to wash the oysters well.

“The point in France isn’t that anything goes. It’s that women should be calm and sensible.”

French women are often skinnier during pregnancy.  By American standards, Druckerman should have gained 35 pounds, by French standards only 26.5 pounds. Why?

-Social pressure

-doctors treat weight gain limits like holy edicts

-Mainly, French women are careful to not eat too much.

-eat balanced meals as any health adult.

-No emphasis on eating extra to nourish the fetus.

- a recommended snack for a hungry pregnant woman is 1/6th of a baguette, a piece of cheese, and a glass of water.

-”French women don’t let themselves believe- as I have heard some American women claim- that the fetus wants cheesecake.”

(In this section, Druckerman includes a tip about preventing stretch marks by rubbing sweet almond oil on the belly.)

-Many American women focus on how to give birth (Such as natural birth, water births, home births, epidurals, no epidurals, and so forth.)

-One American woman gave her French doctor a 4 page birth plan.

-It’s much less common for French women to worry about these sorts of customizations; they tend to just go with the hospital standard procedures.

-In Paris, epidurals are given in 87-99 percent of deliveries.

-France ranked #1 in the World Health Organization ranking of health care systems to America’s #37.

-Story of Eric and Jennifer. She’s American, He’s French.

A c-section was required and the doctors kicked Eric out of the operating room.  While waiting for 4 hours, Eric wandered down to the local bakery to eat a croissant. Druckerman notes that this symbolizes the differences between American and French views of pregnancy and parenting. Eric was very interested in be a dad and very concerned about the situation.  But he can also compartmentalize things. He was “calm, detached, and self-interested.” Jennifer, as an American, see the situation differently. She sees Eric’s act as not being willing to sacrifice his own needs for the family. He’s not fully invested, unless it costs something.

-Druckerman recounts her story of delivering her first child, a girl. They call her by the nickname of Bean, thanks to the hat that the French hospital puts on her.

-Six day stay in the hospital, apparently that is standard in France.

Chapter 3 doing her nights

-The French say “doing her nights” as compared to the American, “Sleeping through the night.”

-Americans assume that it will take many months for babies to sleep through the night, if ever. Parenthood is considered synonymous with sleeplessness. Americans assume that a baby wakes up in the night because she’s hungry, needs something from us, or because that's just what babies do.

-Druckerman asks French mothers when their children started doing their nights. It ranges from 6 weeks to 4 months. And at 4 months, the mother clarified that this was very late.

-A French magazine describes babies  who “Find their rhythm” when it comes to sleep.

-French parents keep telling Druckerman that the babies just decided to sleep through the night.  One father tells Druckerman that the baby knew that the mother needed to get up early and go to work so that's why he started sleeping through the night.

-French parents kept babies in the daylight during the day, even for naps and kept it dark at bedtime

-French parents repeatedly tell Druckerman that they “observed” their babies from birth and followed their baby's own “rhythms.”

-Druckerman reads a French book on babies and sleep. It suggests babies need to learn to trust their bodies to keep themselves alive and that the baby must accept himself a separate person from the parents.

-Druckerman says her breakthrough came when she met the pediatric doctor, Michel Cohen. (First name pronounced ‘me-shell.”) Cohen is a Frenchman who came to New York City in the late 1980s. His pediatrics practice has expanded to five locations.

Notes from Cohen

-Starts babies on vegetables and fruits rather than bland cereals

-talks about rhythm, wants kids to be able to handle frustration

-In this context, Druckerman says of Cohen, “He values calm.” It’s not completely obvious to the reader what she means by this. It could be that he wants the child to have a calm environment to grow up in or that he wants calm in regard to family life and the balance between parents’ needs and the child’s needs.

-sees a need for parents to have a quality of life along with the child.

-on sleeping “My first intervention is to say, when your baby is born, just don’t jump on your kid at night. Give your baby a chance to self-soothe, don’t automatically respond, even from birth.”

-Druckerman connects this with what she hears from French mothers about “observing” the child.

(Druckerman will often call this ‘La Pause’ or ‘The Pause’ throughout the rest of the book.)

- Babies tend to wake up and cry between sleep cycles which is about every two hours. The baby needs to learn to connect these cycles and go back to sleep on her own.

-Cohen compares connecting sleep cycles to riding bike. It becomes natural once you get the hang of it.

-French mothers explain to Druckerman that during ‘La Pause’ they aren’t ignoring their child when she cries in the the night. They are actively observing the child.

-French mothers say this is also “to teach them patience.”

-’Observing’ isn’t just for the sake of the child. The parents are literally using observation in the scientific meaning. They are learning to recognize the sleep stages, patterns, and cycles of their child.

-”French parents believe it's their job to gently teach babies how to sleep well, the same way they’ll later teach them to have good hygiene, eat balanced meals, and ride a bike. They don’t view being up half the night with an eight-month-old as a sign of parental commitment. They view it as a sign that the child has a sleep problem and that his family is wildly out of balance.”

-Druckerman notes that much of the American research on sleep agrees with the French concept of ‘The Pause.’  In America, however, this theory is still stuck in academic research papers and hasn’t made its way into common practice.

-A French nanny, Laurence, explains that it is important to tell the child that you are putting her to bed and that she must sleep through the night. Laurence says she tells the child that she will give him the pacifier one time if he wakes up in the night. After that the child is on his own.

-This is where the book starts to get into actual psychology. The example above reveals an underlying belief that even a 4 month old child can learn things and that speaking to the child as a human being that can learn and grow actually matters.

-Cohen says that, yes a four-month-old baby may be hungry during the night. He says that adults are hungary during the night too, but they have learned to let their belly take a rest. Children can do the same.

-The French model is that when children face a bit of frustration, it makes them more secure.

-The French emphasize the idea of autonomy- babies need time alone

-Babies a few months old that learn to play by themselves are able to sleep by themselves better as well.

-Another French author tells Druckerman that babies can learn to sleep through the night because the mother must get up in the morning and go to work. Druckerman questions whether the baby actually understands all that and the author reassures her that babies do understand these things.

Chapter 4 wait!

-Druckerman and Simon are interviewed about having Bean enrolled in a creche, the state-run daycare. When asked what time Bean has her milk, the don’t have an answer and the interviewer is shocked.

-French babies all seem to follow a similar schedule for meals (And Druckerman notes that the French use the word meal, as opposed to the American ‘feeds,’ which sounds more like “you’re pitching hay to cows.”)

-By about 4 months, French babies eat at about 8am, 12pm, 4pm, and 8pm.

-As toddlers and young children, the 4pm meal becomes a snack and then gets dropped all together as an adult.

-Again, Druckerman notes that the French don’t even realize that they are all doing this; it’s just common sense to them.  They again mention ‘rhythm.’

-French babies and toddlers seem to wait patiently for a lot of things, and to do so happily.

-Druckerman interviews Columbia University psychology professor Walter Mischel.

-He’s the one that did an experiment by putting a child alone in a room with one marshmallow and telling the child that if he waits to eat the marshmallow for 15 minutes he will come back and give them a second one.

-a follow-up study of the same kids as teenagers in 1980s found that those who delayed going for the marshmellow, were better in all sorts of other categories including concentration and dealing with stress.

-Delayed gratification seems to be the key for Druckerman

-she notes that while it’s common to see children in America throwing fits when they don’t get what they want, she rarely sees children doing this in France.

-Instead of saying quiet or stop, French parents say wait. (‘attend’ in French.)

-The French don’t see their emphasis on calmer children as putting a bunch of needless restrictions on their children; rather they believe that by teaching their children self-control, it will allow the child to enjoy any given situation instead of constantly whining about it.

-The French use the word ‘sage.’  ‘Sois sage” is similar to ‘be good.’ in English.

-However, Americans often say ‘be good’ as if the child is naturally a wild animal that must be controlled briefly and that the child must become something that they are not naturally. Sage implies that the child is a real human being that is in control of herself and the parent is asking the child to behave appropriately, use good judgment, and be aware and respectful of other people.

-Walter Mischel observed that kids who waited longer before eating the marshmallow did so because they were able to distract themselves with something else. Children can learn “distraction strategies” on their own if parents allow the child to practice waiting.

-Druckerman visits a French family, whose 3-year old daughter (Paulette) is making cupcakes.

-In fact almost all families she visits on weekends are either making a cake or serving one they made earlier that day.

-Kids all over France are learning to bake at a very young age. “Baking is a perfect lesson in patience”.

-They also wait to eat the cake instead of eating it right away.

-Delayed gratification goes into the 4pm snack, which is called ‘gouter.’ Even if a child gets candy at the store in the morning, they have to wait until the 4pm snack to eat it.  And, kids are more likely to eat a full course meal at 8pm if they are actually hungry and haven't been snacking all day long like so many American kids and adults do.

-Paulette eats 2 of her cupcakes for ‘gouter.’ Her mother doesn’t eat one. “[French parents] model waiting themselves. Little girls who grow up in homes where the mother doesn’t eat the cupcake, surely grow up to be women who don't eat the cupcake either.”

-Druckerman introduces the French word ‘cadre,’ meaning framework.  Parents give kids strict boundaries and limits, but inside the framework kids have lots of freedom.

-A French parenting maxim: “you must teach your child frustration.”

-more explanations of this, including a French psychologist about how to calmly tell a child ‘no.’  Page 73

-French parents nudge children into an eating schedule with three main things

-feed babies at regular times

-focus on a few big feeds, rather than more smaller ones.

-the baby should fit in the rhythm of the family.

Chapter 5 tiny little humans

-Druckerman takes Bean to swimming lessons at 1 and ½ years old.  Except there is no lesson about swimming. It just kids splashing around. To the French, the point is for kids to discover and awaken to the water.

-Druckerman says the French have a whole different “view of how kids learn and of who they are.”   [My note: this is a fundamental question of educational psychology.]

-Psychologist Jean Piaget focuses on stages of child development. Americans kept asking him, “How can we speed these stages up?”

-Americans seem to think raising kids is a competition and there can only be one winner.

-Two French people who influence the way the French think about the nature of a child: Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Françoise Dolto.

-Rousseau publishes Emile, or On Education in 1762. In Druckerman’s words, “he said children should be given space to let their development unfold naturally.”

-Bean’s daycare has a mission statement: kids should “discover the world, in pleasure and gaiety.”

-two outcomes of Rousseau. First, the freedom to discover and awaken. Second, the strict guidelines or cadre. Rousseau writes, “Do you know the surest means of making your child miserable? It is to accustom him to getting everything.”

-Rousseau also described children as “blank slates.” This concept lead to very strict rules, children as second class citizens were not permitted to even talk at the dinner table.  This idea wore off by the late 1960’s.  Back to the word ‘sage.’  Previously, it had meant, ‘sage like a picture.’ Now it means more of ‘sage and awakened.’

-Francoise Dolto: French psychoanalyst and pediatrician. In 1976 she started a radio broadcast in which she answered parenting questions.

-These broadcasts had a profound influence on French parenting. Due to the cultural and political upheaval of the late 1960s, her timing to change and influence the way the French think about parenting was perfect.

-Speaking against the “blank slate” idea, she said that even infants are rational and understand language when they are born. The parents speaking to their infants about ‘finding their nights’ came from her.

-Dolto encouraged speaking to children, trying understand them. She would sit down on the floor next to them to be at their level. She would calmly explain to children any number of situations that they might be upset about. She saw children as rational and even when it seems a child is rebelling for no reason, there is a reason to the child.

-Dolto thought that rational children could learn to absorb and handle the limits of the ‘cadre’. She just added a lot of empathy and respect for the child.  This was largely missing pre-1968 france.

-French parents often state to the child what they are doing. Examples include, “I am picking you up,” “I am changing you,” or “I am giving you a bath.” And they are polite to the child, too. Druckerman points out that this is because the parents are treating the baby as if he is a person, fully human and rational.

-French parenting word ‘doucement’ means gently. They use this word often.

-When Bean is 10 months old she is pulling books off the bookshelf. Druckerman doesn’t think she do anything to make Bean stop doing it, so she just puts the books back. A French lady named Lara steps in. She kneels down next to Bean and explains that “we don’t do that.” She shows Bean how to put the books back on the shelf and uses the word ‘doucement’.  Bean listens and obeys. Lara wasn’t even a mother at the time.

-Druckerman realizes a massive difference between her and Lara’s views of children and parenting. Druckerman was looking at Bean as “a very cute, very wild creature with a lot of potential, but almost no self-control.”

-Lara saw a 10 month old as a rational human that could understand language and learn to control herself.

-Druckerman cites research that supports Dolto’s ideas. Babies do know and understand more than we think.

Chapter 6 day care?

-Americans often have a negative view of day care while day care (called creche in France) and daycare workers are held in high regard in France.

-The creche is the state sponsored and subsidized (based on income) day care across much of France.  The employees are highly trained. Druckerman describes a very competitive process to even be selected into a training program for day care workers.

-Creche workers follow the same parenting principles that Druckerman observers in the French parents.  Mainly, this means a firm ‘cadre’ with lots of freedom in the ‘cadre’ and, of course, giving the children lots of opportunities to practice patience.

-Druckerman also observes that the creche workers use the language of rights when directing the children. “You have the right to do this” or “you don't’ have the right to do that.”

-Have you heard that food is a big deal in France? The daycare is no exception. The food at the creche is impressive. 4 course meals: “a cold vegetable starter, a main dish with a side of grains or cooked vegetables, a different cheese each day, and a dessert of fresh fruit or fruit puree.” Some variations are made for different age groups. It’s often the same, just pureed for the youngest children.

-Druckerman notes that many Americans are still debating the pros and cons of daycare, while in continental Europe the assumption is that good daycare is good for for kids and bad daycare is bad for kids.

-Americans, who are still thinking in terms of how to accelerate Piaget's stages, are concerned about the negative effects that bad daycare might have on the future prospects for their children. By contrast, the French are thinking about the actual experience the children are having in the day care. “We’re so concerned about cognitive development that we’re forgetting to ask whether children in daycare are happy and whether it’s a positive experience for them while it’s happening. Than’t what French parents are talking about.”

-Throughout the day care chapter, Druckerman describes the positive experience Bean had in almost three years at the creche. Bean developed strong relationships with other children and the care takers. And she was enjoying herself.  The last sentence of the chapter, “This was a place where she mattered.”

Chapter 7 bebe au lait

[Google Translate tells me that ‘bebe au lait’ means baby milk.]

-Druckerman explains that during Bean’s years at the creche, she found it very difficult to make friends with the mothers of other creche children. They just didn’t seem interested in acknowledging her, let alone striking up conversations.

-This chapter is a bit more about being a mom that it is about parenting.

-Druckerman says she is intrigued by French mom’s who seem to have it all together. She notes their fashion, calm demeanor, good posture, lack of fatigue and worry, and ability to lose body fat after pregnancy.

-Druckerman discusses different views on breastfeeding both from her observations and research.

-Breastfeeding is significantly less common in France than in the US.  While Druckerman notes both pros and cons of this, her main takeaway is that it makes “motherhood a lot more relaxing for French moms.”

-French moms often lose weight quickly after pregnancy. Partly this is because they didn’t gain much during pregnancy. There is also a lot of social pressure to lose the weight.

-French women tell Druckerman that their main tactic to lose weight is to “pay attention” to what they are eating.

-This is contrasted with many American women who tend to describe effort to lose weight in terms of ‘being good’ or ‘being bad’ and ‘cheating.’ This mindset often encourages guilt. In the French way of thinking, eating too much food is ‘not paying attention’ which means the solution is to simply pay more attention not to feel guilty.

-French moms often allow themselves to have more physical and mental separation from their children. French women tell Druckerman that mothers shouldn’t be ‘enslaved’ to their children.

-French mothers (including the relatively few stay-at-home mothers) to will use daycare or babysitters to get time alone just to relax and take care of themselves.

Chapter 8 the perfect mother doesn’t exist

-Druckerman’s book is finally published and she discusses the process and going on the book tour.

-French women are much more likely to continue their career after having a child. Stay-at-home moms are rare.

-American parents often engage in ”narrated play” in which a parent follows a child around a playground and loudly describes every activity the child is engaging in.

-Pediatrician Michel Cohen has chapter in his book about this and says it is overkill. Children should not be constantly pestered and supervised.

-American families often go crazy, driving their kids around to all kinds of activities which are designed to speed up the progression of Piaget’s stages of development.

-French children are more likely to have one after school activity per term.

-There is more emphasis on letting the child be his own person. The children learn to play by themselves and the parents get a break. This comes from Dolto.

-French and American mothers handle guilt differently. American mothers often say, I'm a bad mother. It's as if feeling guilty about something means you've paid for your mistake, so we go on feeling guilty all the time.

-The French mother see guilt as unhealthy and unpleasant. They say, "there is no such thing as a perfect mother."

-The French believe it's bad for mother and child to spend all their time together.  The mother’s needs and child's needs could become too intertwined. Since the French mothers believe in this separation, they are less likely to be consumed by guilt.

Chapter 9 caca boudin

‘Ecole maternelle’ - France’s free public preschool ages 3-6.

-Bean is enrolled in ‘ecole maternelle.’

-Preschoolers do art work and they learn letters, sounds, and how to write their own names.

-Reading is not taught until 1st grade at age 7, after ‘ecole maternelle.’

-Druckerman has a much better time making friends with parents of the maternelle children than the creche. Her reasoning is that the creche parents knew their children would be scattered to different schools after the creche was over.  The maternelle children will stay together throughout their schooling.

-Politeness by way of please, thank you, hello, and goodbye is a big deal in France. “Saying bonjour acknowledges the other person’s humanity.”

-This is even expected of small children. Again it is a focus on the child being their own person.

-Bean is learning French and English. At first she got them mixed up, but after attending the maternelle for a while she figured it out.  She can even switch accents to make jokes about the other language.

-’betise’ - a small act of naughtiness.  Druckerman says there is not english equivalent, but this term helps her to respond appropriately when Bean acts up. She doesn’t have to freak out over misbehavior since she has a label for a minor offence.

-French children's books have different moral messages and plot lines than American children’s books.

-Discussion of Bean growing up multicultural, including different holidays.

-’Caca boudin’ translates to poop sausage. It’s basically a little kids swear word. It is a little bit of a betise. Kids are generally allowed to say it in private, but not at the dinner table or to adults.

Chapter 10 double entendre

-Druckerman gets pregnant with twin boys.

-Having twins is a lot of work

-The family also buys and renovates a slightly bigger apartment.

Chapter 11 I adore this baguette

-having twins and lack of sleep introduces some marital disunity in the family.

-French “couples typically assume that there is a very intense stretch after the birth, when it’s all hands on deck for the baby. After that, gradually, the mother and father are supposed to find their equilibrium as a couple again.

-The French parents prioritise ‘adult time’ or ‘parent time.’ It’s one reason why bedtimes are strictly enforced.  Spending quality time together as a couple is seen as a basic human need.

-The pay gap between men and women is larger in france than in America and French women usually do more housework and child care.

-However, Druckerman notes that it is usually the American and British women that she hears complaining more about their spouses.

-French women don’t expect men to be their equals at many household and parenting tasks. They are willing to accept the differences between the sexes.

-Since French women aren’t nagging their husbands, their husbands aren’t demoralized. “They feel more generous toward their wives which they praise for their feats of micromanagement and their command of household details.”

-Druckerman, Simon, their three kids go on a holiday with another couple (Helene and William) and their three kids.

-Helene and William are dedicated to having adult time

-Helene and William take time to enjoy the little things in life.

-Helene says “I adore this baguette” when William brings her one on a weekend morning of the vacation.

-Druckerman notes that she is too stressed out and fights too much with Simon to simply enjoy a baguette the way Helene does.

Chapter 12 you just have to taste it

The twins:

-Leo is constantly on the move and runs everywhere.

-Joey is slow and steady mostly because he's trying to carry his favorite possessions with him at all times.

-discussion of French food

-basically, Americans are terrible eaters, very picky, often unhealthy, and the kids menus are very bland and unhealthy also.

-In France, kids eat from the adult menu

-Vegetables are an essential part of the dining experience, not something you try to trick your kids into eating.

-Druckerman sits in on a meeting of the ‘Commission Menus.’ This is where the fancy creche meals are decided.  These are top chefs discussing 4 course meals for 0-3 year olds.  As an example of the meticulous nature of the conversations the chefs have, a particular cheese is replaced on the Christmas menu because it was already used for another holiday.

-A French parent says of her child, “She has to taste everything.”

-The whole family eats the same thing. There are no substitutions

-The cadre helps parents handle food and dining.

-A New York mother offers her toddler son a “parsley snack” in some attempt at being healthy and introducing new experiences. However, Druckerman notes that this is a massive over-parenting fail because parsley is a seasoning, not a snack.

-French parents use the cadre in regard to their children eating sweets. They don’t pretend that sugar doesn’t exist. They focus on reasonable amounts of candy and only at the appropriate time.

-Druckerman now server all her kids in 4 course meals. She calls it a “stroke of French genius.”

Chapter 13 it’s me who decides

-Leo does everything quickly; speaking, running, darting from room to room.

-”One of the most impressive parts of French parenting … is authority….. Their kids actually listen to them. French children aren’t constantly dashing off, talking back or engaging in prolonged negotiations.”

-Druckerman is constantly chasing Leo around the playground as he tries to escape. A French mother tells her that she needs to be sterner, not shout, but speak with more conviction. On the 4th try, it actually works and Leo obeys her.

-French parents are better at holding strict rules and enforcing them. It’s the cadre again.

-American parents are often hesitant to enforce rules, sometimes because the rule isn’t clear in their own mind, because they don’t want either the parent or the child to feel guilty, or because they don’t want to stifle the child's creativity.

-Sometimes American parents try to meet in the middle of the two points above, but this just results in everything becoming a negotiation.

-French parents say “It’s me who decides” or even “It’s me who commands” to remind both themselves and the child who is in charge.

-French parents are less interested in negotiating or explaining things to kids. One French dad  (Marc) says, “You have certain things that don’t need explanation.”

-There is a belief that having a confident parent is reassuring to the child.

-”In America, it’s accepted that when you have kids, your time is not your own,”  says Marc. “The kids need to understand that they’re not the center of attention. They need to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them.”

-Building the cadre takes work and effort.

-French parents directly talk to the children about the cadre, about what is permissible and what is not.

-It is a polite conversation. Parents say please, even to babies. (Recall the earlier point about babies understanding what is being said so it makes sense to be polite to them.)

-Parents use the language of rights. Instead of saying no all the time, they tell a child that he doesn’t the the right to do X.  This implies that they do have the right to do other things.

-Parents also say “I don’t agree.”

”I don’t agree with you pitching our peas on the floor.” Parents say this in a serious tone, while looking directly at the child. “ I don’t agree” is also more than just “no.” It establishes the adult as another mind, which the child must consider. And it credits the child with having his own view about the peas, even if his view is being overruled. Pitching the peas is cast as something the child has rationally decided to do, so he can decide to do otherwise, too.”

-French parents and care takers focus on many small polite adjustments to behavior. This is particularly evident at mealtime which seems much more peaceful than dealing with American children at meal time.

-Anna-Marie is a creche worker from Bean’s creche.

-Druckerman observes Anna-Marie as she oversees a meal for 6 children.  Anna-Marie is mentioned along with the French dad (Marc) to have a very good authority with children and helping them to fit in the cadre.  However, Anna-Marie says, “You must always explain the reason,” when telling a child no.

-To the reader, this seems to contradict what Marc said earlier. However, Druckerman doesn’t mention the apparent discrepancy.

-Madeleine tells Druckerman that her main method of keeping children under control and in the cadre is “the big eyes.” She even has Druckerman practice it.

-French parents more often use the word ‘education’ rather than discipline or punishment.

-Based on the model of some French parents, Druckerman adopts a bedtime policy in which the children must stay in their bedroom, but they don’t have to get in bed right away. It seemed to work for her kids.

-”Without limits, kids will be consumed by their own desires.” This is a common theme that Druckerman hears in France.

-Bean may understand French authority better than Druckerman since she goes to a French school every day. Once when Bean’s younger twin brothers are not cooperating, Bean tells her mother, “Just say ‘one, two, three.’”

-Druckerman admits that she still finds it hard to know when to say no and enforce the cadre and when to give the child freedom. See page 239 for more detail.

Chapter 14 let him live his life

-When Bean is 5, her school invites all 4-11 year olds to sign up for a summer trip.  It’s an 8 day adventure without parents and it's 5 hours away.

-These sorts of vacations or summer camps for children seem to be quite common in France

-”In Dolto’s view, by the time a child is six years old, he should be able to do everything in the house--and in society-- that concerns him.”

-Caretakers from a creche often take toddlers on a walk down the street.

-Bean’s class from the ‘ecole maternelle’ has gone to zoos or parks.

-Druckerman wasn’t even told about these activities, let alone asked to sign a permission slip.

-Once Bean gets a cut on her cheek at the school playground. Bean won’t tell her mother what happened and none of the school staff knows anything about it.

-French parents and teachers are much less likely to give false praise, or any praise at all, though Druckerman notes that parents are more supportive than teachers.

-Druckerman cites research pointing out the flaws in the American way of praising every little thing a child does.

-Druckerman agrees with Dolto that “autonomy is one of a child’s most basic needs.”

-Druckerman tells a story to illustrate this.  One morning when Bean is 5 ½ years old, Druckerman is so sick she can barely get out of bed.  At 7:30 am, Bean starts making breakfast for the family. “I hear her opening drawers, setting the table, and getting out the milk and cereal. ….. She’s even subcontracted some of it to Joey, who’s organizing the silverware.”

-Without any praise or encouragement, Bean is very please with her own autonomy.

The future in French

-French parenting “Mostly requires a parent to shift how she conceives of her relationship to her children and what she expects from them.”

-Druckerman, Simon, and the three kids go back to the vacation town where Bean threw a fit and started the impetus for this book. This time, they all eat calmly and in courses.  “We even have coffee at the end of the meal.”