Olivia Sparrow

Session (2014)

A SET OF GUILTY ACTIONS. TOO MANY TO LIST, TO FEW TO USE AS AN EXCUSE. A COLD KISS ON THE CORNER OF MY STREET, WILLINGLY, STUPIDLY. A SLAP IN THE FACE ON ALBERT ROAD, MY SLUT CLOTHES AND MY RED CHEEKS MAKING THE PERFECT PHOTO FOR THE FAMILY ALBUM. A BACKSTABBING CONVERSATION, EASED OUT OF YOU PATHETICALLY BY FLIRTING WITH CIGARETTES. AN INNOCENT GAME OF DRESS-UP, OFFICIALLY ENDORSED BY THE MAN PLAYING DUMB SONGS ON HIS DUMB GUITAR. A SERIES OF BIZARRE STATEMENTS, SAID TO ME, BY YOU, IN A COLD BED, DRIPPING WITH DECEIT. THE HOLD-DOWN. THE PUBLIC HUMILIATION. EAST END PUB UNDERWEAR WHILE YOU ALL REMINISCE. YOU STANDING NEXT TO ME, YOU TELLING HER HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS. ADDING TO IT. KICKING ME IN THE FACE THEN KISSING ME DEEPLY. THEN KICKING. THEN KISSING. A CONTINUOUS PATTERN, REPEATED. THE FEEL OF THE POWDER RUNNING DOWN THE BACK OF MY THROAT. SLIPPING AND SLIDING IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS AS YOU SLIP AND SLIDE IN AND OUT OF ME BORINGLY. I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO FUCK ME? DISAPPOINTMENT DOESN’T COVER IT. “WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU?” SAID TO ME AFTER YOU’D SHOVED MY HEAD INTO YOUR CROTCH FOR THE FIRST TIME. AH, HOW CAN ROMANCE BE DEAD WHEN I’M JUST DYING WITH LOVE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW HONEY! SEEING THROUGH THE CRACK IN THE DOOR THAT YOU’VE LEFT ME ALONE TO RECOVER FROM THE DULL THRUST AND THE COLD CONTACT. SO THOUGHTFUL, YOU’LL MAKE A STUPID WOMAN OF ME YET. THE STRENGTH OF YOUR THUMB PRESSING AGAINST MY WEAK WINDPIPE. IS THIS FOREPLAY? FOREVER DEFENDING HER, YOUR BACK-UP AND THEIR WEAPONRY. QUESTIONING MY FAMILY TREE. FORCING ME TO PERFORM. WALKING DOWN A GARDEN PATH IN WINTER, BAREFOOT, IN UNDERWEAR, WITH WET HAIR, BY ORDER. THE TRADITIONAL FORM OF PUNISHMENT FOR MERELY EXISTING. SOME LOVING PNEUMONIA, SOME LOVING FROSTBITE. I’D NEVER SAY “WHY ME?” BECAUSE WHY ME? WHY HER? WHY HIM? WHY THEM? VILE TACTICS MAKE ME DOUBT HISTORY. FACT IS YOUR FICTION. YOU CHANGER OF WORLDS, YOU COMPLICATOR OF SOCIETIES, YOU RUINER OF EXISTENCES. SO CLOSE. SO DISTANT. I MIGHT BE TOUCHING YOU BUT OUR BODIES DO NOT MEET. OUR PROSE MEETS AWKWARDLY AND THEN SILENCES. “YOU’RE SO LOVING” – ANOTHER ONE, YOU FALSE BASTARD. CONSTANTLY BEING TRICKED. YOU ALL THINK I’M STUPID. TINY LITTLE CUTS, JUST ENOUGH TO DRAW BLOOD. QUICK! CALL WHATEVER GODFORSAKEN PLACE SHE TELLS IN AND TELL HER! LONG DISTANCE ABUSE, LONG DISTANCE THREATS. REMINDING ME AGAIN THAT MY KIND SHOULDN’T BE HERE. MY KIND. THE ILL, THE QUEER, THE LEFT, THE DETERMINED. ALL THE TIMES I TRIED TO TELL MYSELF I WAS ENJOYING IT. ALL THE TIMES I BLAMED MYSELF. THE CHANGING OF MY SEXUALITY. MY EROGENOUS ZONES ARE MY BATTLE ZONES. MY FAULT FOR LOOKING AT YOU THAT WAY. NOT BREATHING. TRYING TO ESCAPE AND THEN LAUGHING AT THE NOTION THAT YOU CARED BECAUSE OF ME, WHEN YOU ONLY CARE BECAUSE OF YOU. FINDING AN ESCAPE IN A TENT WITH A MAN WHO HAS BIG HANDS. THERE STARTS THE OBSESSION. ANOTHER UNIFORMED SCUM, FLOPPY-FRINGE ARSEHOLE. BUT A BETTER KIND OF ARSEHOLE THAN YOU. COULD YOU SMELL HIM ON ME? IS THAT WHY YOU LOVED ME HARDER THAT DAY? LEARNING TO SHOOT. NEVER USING THE KNOWLEDGE. IMAGINING REVERSING THE THREAT. PINNING YOU DOWN WITH MY LEGS, TOWERING ABOVE YOU, SHOVING A MAUSER HSC INTO YOUR VILE HEAD, MAKING YOU SWALLOW THE BULLETS. WE ALL WANT POWER, SOME OF US JUST DESERVE IT MORE THAN OTHERS. WATCHING A FILM AND DESPISING ITS LOCATIONS. THAT ROAD: THE LOVING FIRST SHOVE INTO PASSING TRAFFIC. THAT FIELD: JUST A ROMANTIC SCHOOLGIRL ROLEPLAY. YOUR HAND, MY HEAD: THE FIRST HIT AND I KNEW IT WAS TRUE LOVE. YOUR COCK, MY CUNT: A LOVELY LASTING REMINDER OF HOW DEEPLY I FEEL FOR YOU. LOOKING INTO PEOPLE’S EYES AND WONDERING WHAT THEY SAW, HOW DO THEY NORMALISE? HOW DO THEY COPE? WHY DON’T THEY CARE? WHY SHOULD THEY CARE? I SUBMIT, I GIVE IN, EVERYTHING, ALWAYS. I WILL ACCEPT THOSE YEARS, THE BEST, THE WORST, A GENUINE ESCAPE, A DESIRE FOR THE CORRECT BALANCE, A NEED, A WANT, THE ROLE-REVERSAL, THE BEGGING, YOUR ON-DEMAND TEARS, THE PITY-WANK, THE RIGHTFUL CONTROL, THE WOEFUL PERFORMANCE.

~

FALSE POLITENESS. AN ONGOING BATTLE WITH MYSELF FIRST, YOU SECOND. I DRAW, I SHOOT, I NEVER WIN. THE LITTLE NUDGES OVER THE EDGE. STILL ON ME. STILL ME TO BLAME. IT’S OKAY FOR YOU. ACCEPTABLE FOR YOU. ACCEPTED BEHAVIOUR. WAS I REALLY FIRST? NO TRUST. DOUBTING TOILET DOORS, STREETS, BEDSHEETS, FINGERPRINTS, FLUID STAINS, STALE CIGARETTES. ALL ACCEPTABLE. BUT ME? NOT ME. NOT ALLOWED TO REACT. AN OVERREACTION. A BLOW-UP. THE OVEREMOTIONAL ONE. ONCE, INNOCENTLY, LOVINGLY, TRUTHFULLY, SEARCHING FOR STIFFENED NIPPLES. YOU COULDN’T RESIST. DON’T BE FOOLISH. DON’T LIE. DON’T ACT SURPRISED. YOU’D DO IT TOO. JEALOUS YOU DIDN’T GET THE CHANCE. I WILL BLOCK, THEN, NOW, FOREVER, A TRUE VOW, ONE I CAN STICK TO. DON’T FOOL YOURSELF. SPEW LITTLE DETAILS OUT OF YOUR LYING, GUARDED HOLE. ME ME ME I I I WILL ALWAYS GO FIRST, JUMP AT ANY CHANCE THAT’S THROWN MY PATHETIC, DESPERATE WAY. WISH YOU WERE ENOUGH. YOU ARE. PUT UP A SELF-CONNING BARRIER. INDUCE PARANOIA. ONE NAME, TWO NAMES, THREE NAMES, AN UNKNOWN. FALLING OUT AND TOWARDS, PRY IT OUT FURTHER, COME COME COME OUT WITH EVERY DETAIL. WHAT DID THEIR TEETH FEEL LIKE? DINE ON LIPS. DIDN’T GET THAT FAR I DIDN’T. JUST FIRM GRASPS AROUND ROUNDED ARTEFACTS. PUT MY FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH. PRY PRY PRY. UNSUCCESSFULLY. HERE, HAVE MY LIST, FRAME IT, TOUCH YOURSELF OVER IT, WITH IT. FORCE IT OUT WITH DEVIOUS BEHAVIOUR. OVER-PROTECTIVE. OVER-FORCEFUL. YOU WOULD IF YOU COULD, STOP PRETENDING. HIT ME UNCONTROLLABLY IN THE STOMACH. THAT’S CARING, THAT’S OKAY, THAT’S SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT DOWN THE PUB WITH YOUR SHITHEAD FRIEND. IT’S HAPPY HOUR FOR THE MALE FEMINISTS! NO WOMEN INVITED IF WE CAN HELP IT. DOWN HER IN ONE, HER WHOLE BODY, SADLY GAG ON HER PERSONALITY – IF SHE HAS ONE, I KNOW YOUR CASUAL PREFERENCE. VOMITED UP MY MEAL, MADE THE GLASS OVERFLOW, SERVE THIS, THAT’S CARING. YOU YOU YOU JUST KNEE-JERKING YOUR WAY INTO SOME KIND OF EXCUSE AS I SIT AND SWALLOW AND STARE. YOU WILL NEVER GET IT OR DESERVE IT. YOU KNEW YET STILL CONTINUE. OF COURSE YOU CARE, THEY BELIEVE YOU. I BELIEVE YOU. I HAVE NO RIGHTS. YOU MADE THE RULES AND THE LAWS AND TONIGHT I HAVE NO RIGHTS. BUT NEXT WEEK, IN THAT NOOK, IT’LL BE ME WITH THE RIGHTS. RIGHT OF WAY TO EDGE MY FINGERS TOWARDS WHAT I’D PREVIOUSLY DENIED MYSELF. SUBMERGE THEM. IT WILL GO ON. I HAVE HOURS, DAYS, YEARS, LIFETIMES TO SPARE ON THIS TASK OF MUTUAL DISSATISFACTION. THAT ONE SECOND DECISION. YOU KNEW, GO AHEAD ANYWAY. I KNEW, THAT’S WHY I ACTED. A NOT-SO-SUBTLE DIFFERENCE. WAIT UNTIL IT’S FORCED OUT BY MY FRIEND GUILT. SHE’S ALWAYS WORKING FOR ME. SHE’S ALWAYS ON MY SIDE WAITING TO MANIPULATE YOU INTO GIVING YOUR CONFESSIONAL JUST LIKE OLD TIMES. COWARDLY, POINTLESS ACTS. A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF SOMETHING I’M MEANT TO ASPIRE TO. SOMETHING I CAN USE. BOUNDING UP TO YOU, MAKING YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. THE APT SONG PLAYS AS I REFUSE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT. I KNEW. OF COURSE I DID. WE ALWAYS DO. FIRST A SURPRISING NUMBER IS DISCUSSED AS YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD IN YOUR HANDS. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? I WILL CONTINUE. I WILL BE THE LAST. I WILL I WILL I WILL CONTINUE THE CHARADE. TOTAL WAR. REVIVE OLD CLICHES. THROW THEM INTO YOUR TIRED DEFENCE. YOUR TIRADE OF USELESSNESS. FOLLOWED BY MINE. MORE TRUTH NEEDED. TOO HONEST. I THOUGHT YOU’D BE USED TO THIS. GO AHEAD. TELL THE TRUTH LIKE YOU USED TO. HUMILIATE YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE. THINK ABOUT THE REASONS. BELIEVE THEM. BECOME THEM. WRITE THEM ONTO MY SKIN IF IT HELPS, IF YOU’D RATHER THEY DIDN’T POUR FROM YOUR MOUTH. THERE WILL BE A NEXT TIME, THERE ALWAYS IS. NOT FOR ME, FOR YOU. FOR THE MYSTERY. RECORD IT NEXT TIME. DOCUMENT IT. LET ME USE IT. NEXT TIME WILL BE IN FOUR MONTHS, LIKE CLOCKWORK. I WAIT I WAIT I WAIT TO HEAR IT, TO SEE YOUR MOUTH OPEN, YOUR HAIR FALL, YOUR EYES FALL, YOUR REASONS FALL. DO IT NEXT TO ME NEXT TIME. LET ME SEE THE REACTION. EMBRACE IT. LIVE WITH IT. I DON’T THINK YOU COULD. IT TAKES STRENGTH TO BE CALLOUS AND ALL YOU ARE IS NICE. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. A NICE BOY. WHAT A STUPID FUCKING FAÇADE. FOCUSING ON THAT CHIP. NICE BOYS DON’T HAVE CHIPS IN THEIR TEETH. NICE GIRLS DON’T WISH IT WAS THEM THAT HAD CAUSED IT. JEALOUSY INJURY. YOU TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM. OFFLOAD, REJECT, COMPLICATE, RUIN. I WILL NEVER REALLY WIN.

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GRADUALLY DISSOLVING INTO BLINKING SQUARES. NO THOUGHT PROCESSES UNLESS YOU’RE WOKEN FROM YOUR SLUMBER BY A SMILING DICTATOR. EVERY MOTION MEANINGLESS. EVERY GASP A DRAIN. EVERY STEP A BATTLE. WHAT STOPS YOU FROM GIVING IN? GIVE IN GIVE IN GIVE IN – YOU’RE KEEPING US WAITING. BUT NO. WE’RE THE DEAD. WE’RE THE WRONG. WE’RE THE SMASHED-UP MINDS THAT YOU LIKE TO FEEL SUPERIOR TO. STRUCK-OFF, SIGNED-OFF, KILLED-OFF. RECORDS AS FRIENDS, THE PHONE AS THE ENEMY. SHE SAT FOR YEARS BEHIND LOUD WALLS AND THEN ME. LIFE APPEARED. NO INTEREST IN THE LIVING. STARE AT WALLS. THE BODYSHOCK OF THE BLANK. THE WHITE. SMALL MERCIES. NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. NO CHANCE TO RECOVER HERSELF OR HIM FROM THE WRECK. IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME. INSTILLED IN HER DNA AND NOW MINE. AN UNDERLYING SELF-HATRED. IT’S JUST WHO WE ARE. NOT ENDEARING, NOT THE FAVOURITE, NEVER FIRST, BUT NEVER LAST. TURN IT OFF. PULL THE PLUG. IT WAS EASY FOR HIM. UNRECOGNISABLE IN THAT BOX, HIS FACE REMADE LIKE A CRUEL DADAIST COLLAGE. SOMEONE REMAKE MY DNA. RID ME OF THIS FEAR. FEAR OF SHIPS, FEAR OF DOCKS, FEAR OF WATER, FEAR OF SPEED. PAGES TORN OUT OF MAGAZINES DISINTEGRATE IN BACK ROOMS. THE FIRST AND ONLY BIT OF PASSION, NOW HANDED DOWN. LITTLE PIECES OF PAPER KEPT AS A SIGNIFIER, AS A WAY TO SHOW THAT YES, I AM ALIVE, I WAS ALIVE. A CRUEL HAND THAT DESTROYS THEM. DESTROYS THE PROOF WHILST LOOKING FOR PROOF OF A LIFE THAT NEVER HAPPENED. THAT’S THEIRS TOO. FEAR OF LOVE, FEAR OF AFFECTION, FEAR OF REJECTION, FEAR OF LIVING. HOW MUCH IS JUST ME? HOW MUCH AM I TO BLAME FOR THESE THINGS? THESE THINGS ARE INSTILLED. NO DOCTRINE CAN CHANGE. NO AMOUNT OF ELECTRICITY, NO CHEMICALS, NO SILENCES, NO FORCEFULNESS, NO FALSE SMILES, NO FALSE STATEMENTS, NO CLEAR SPIRITS, NO PUNISHMENTS, NO HOLIDAYS, OBLITERATE OBLITERATE OBLITERATE. BECOME SOMEONE ELSE. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. SEND THEM POSTCARDS. EXPLAIN EVERYTHING WHILST EXPLAINING NOTHING. MEET MEN. DESTROY THEM. HE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK LIKE ALAIN DELON. LAUGH AT THEIR WAYS. PUNISH THEM. NEVER. COME BACK IN TWO MONTHS TIME, YOU SHOULD BE FEELING THE EFFECTS BY THEN. TEAR UP PRESCRIPTIONS. MAKE YOUR OWN. READ YOUR BOOKS. WRITE YOUR OWN. SELF-MYTHOLOGISE. DISCONNECT. NEVER ABLE TO. A CONSTANT STREAM OF INCORRECT ANSWERS. I’LL NEVER BE RIGHT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TAKE. SCRUB FLOORS. SCRUB SKIN. SCRUB TONGUES. SCRUB PILLOWS. DISINFECT THE BLOODSTREAM. FINGERPRINTS REMAIN. CAGED INSIDE A FALSE BODY. SET THE IMPLEMENTS ASIDE JUST FOR ONE SECOND. LOOK IN THE MIRROR. CONSIDER IT. ALL THE IMPLICATIONS. THIS IS WHY. SHE CAN’T HE CAN SHE CAN’T HE CAN HE CAN’T SHE CAN. THE UNWANTED FUNCTIONS. THE GRABBING. REMOVE LAYERS. REMOVE CHUNKS. THROW THEM AT PASSERS BY. THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER THOUGHT, THE UNCONSIDERED, THE STALE. ME AND MY MIRROR HAVE A BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP. ALL THE CHEAP DISGUISES. ALWAYS BACK TO THE START. IT’S STILL THERE. EXPEL NOISES FROM YOUR MOUTH. FEEL THE WORDS, THE VIBRATIONS, OPEN WIDE, NEVER STOP, IT’S ALL I HAVE. THAT’S A FREEDOM. THAT’S MY RIGHT. THAT’S ANOTHER WRONG. ANOTHER MARK-DOWN. ANOTHER FROWN. ANOTHER “YOU SHOULDN’T DO THAT”. ANOTHER “THAT’S NOT FOR YOU”. SHOUT THROUGH THE STILLNESS. ANTAGONISE. REDEFINE. BECOME IT. FIND SOMETHING. I MUST I NEED I CRAVE. UNENTITLED. A DOOR SLAM. SHAKING HANDS – THE REFUSAL OF. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK? DO YOU LIKE MY DRESS? APPROVAL NOT NEEDED. WHY IS THIS A CONSTANT? DOES IT REALLY COME BACK TO YOU? YOU EDUCATOR, YOU DENY ME THIS. WHAT CAN I DO? MY OPTIONS ARE WEARING THIN. IS THERE A SETTINGS CHANGE? PLEASE GOD, SAY THERE IS. THERE MUST BE. THERE MUST BE. THERE MUST BE.

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