CLAPCAST 17: MR. SIR PAPA SHELLS COMIN’ IN HOT
Transcriber(s): Zoe (Arassia#6064) until 0:08:07; gray (waveechocave#6851) finished
AUSTIN: Welcome back!
DRE: Thanks!
AUSTIN: Alright, we’re gonna do a clap at… :20?
[short pause]
DRE: Sure. [quieter] Sure.
AUSTIN: Okay.
[pause, then SOMEONE coughs]
[background construction noise]
[3 separate claps]
AUSTIN: Alright. [deep breath] How is everyone's Saturday going?
DRE: It’s goin’.
AUSTIN: Yeah?
JANINE: [tired affirmative hum]
AUSTIN: Alright. Um…
ART: Mostly been taking out garbage. It’s been a fun day. [AUSTIN laughs]
DRE: [laughing] Actually, same.
AUSTIN: You mean that literally, not metaphorically, right?
ART: Yeah, literally-
AUSTIN: Like, ‘ah, I was just taking out the trash.’ [DRE laughs] I dunno, like you punched your first into an open palm to represent- [punches his own fist into his palm a couple times]
ART: Nope. Just taking out the trash. [DRE hums]
AUSTIN: Wait. I've, I've- now I'm not sure. [laughs] You could be- this could be metaphor again.
ART: I don’t know how to f- say it any flatter. [laughs] [DRE laughs]
AUSTIN: Say it as flat as possible.
ART: You know, just-
JANINE: It’s time to pay the price. [AUSTIN laughs]
ART: Taking out the trash? [AUSTIN and DRE laugh]
AUSTIN: Could you imagine if we had a 'it's time to pay the price' that we didn't know about? 'Cause, like, we have them. We just know about them. Do you know what I mean? Like, we-
JANINE: Yeah.
AUSTIN: I know that we have recurring phrases, but- I guess, for people who don't know, the 'it's time to pay the price' is an episode of Home Movies in which it's revealed that there is one line, 'it's time to pay the price,' that ends every of the Home Movies crew's personal movies. [ART laughs] That they did not know about. Uh, and they do it in different languages and different genres, in every possible thing, and I just- I don't know, if there is- if there was one for us, if I would want to know. [JANINE laughs]
DRE: It’s just cutting off a hand.
AUSTIN: I think- well, right, that's the thing, is like- we know it's hand-cutting, we know it's, like... some form of tragedy. Right?
DRE: Mm.
AUSTIN: We know it's me saying, 'alright, two things happen.' Um, but it's- [AUSTIN and DRE laugh] But there has to be something else.
[musical cue]
DRE: Somebody’s got snacks.
AUSTIN: [with his mouth full] I do.
DRE: What you got?
AUSTIN: I got some goldfish.
DRE: Ooh, nice!
AUSTIN: [swallowing] They’re like the cheesy, like cracker-y snack I like the most, maybe.
DRE: Mhm. They’re pretty good.
AUSTIN: I don’t really like cheesy snacks, I’m not really a big like… yeah.
DRE: You don’t like, um, you don’t like- like a Cheez-It?
AUSTIN: You know what? I like Cheez-It’s a lot too. I take it back.
JANINE: Yeah, a Cheez-It’s nice.
AUSTIN: A Cheez-It’s good. I don’t like a cheese puff. I don’t like a cheese…
DRE: Yeah, you're not like a Cheeto guy?
AUSTIN: I'm not a Cheeto guy. I've never liked a Cheeto.
JANINE: I have to be in, like, a mood.
AUSTIN: [hums] That's fair.
SYLVIA: I, uh, I can't eat Cheetos because they make like, I th- don't know if it's like an allergic reaction or what? I'm assuming it is but they make it feel like the back of my thr- like-
AUSTIN: [distressed sound]
SYLVIA: ...like I have a lump in the back of my throat?
AUSTIN: Wow. Yeah it's...
DRE: [in the background] That sounds bad.
JANINE: Woah.
SYLVIA: It's not-
JANINE: That does sound like an allergic reaction.
SYLVIA: It's a very- definitely an allergic reaction.
AUSTIN: Mhm.
SYLVIA: But, uh, um, I just am always like, ‘no, it's fine.’ Like it doesn't... it doesn't make my throat close so I can still eat them.
JANINE: [concerned noise]
SYLVIA: Which is a reason why I have stopped, uh, I have stopped eating them for a few years.
JANINE: Can you still eat a Dorito?
SYLVIA: I don't, here's the thing-
JANINE: You don't like a Dorito?
[crosstalk]
SYLVIA: I don't really like Doritos.
AUSTIN: Wow...
JANINE: [unbothered] Yeah.
SYLVIA: Yeah. I mean- I mean, anyone who listens to our show knows that.
AUSTIN: [plastic rustling noises] Uh-huh. [ART and JANINE laugh]
SYLVIA: Uh, yeah. No. I've never- I, I-
AUSTIN: It's like method acting for you.
SYLVIA: Yeah! Pretty much.
[beginning as crosstalk]
AUSTIN: It's like you've been drawing on your personal- Yeah. Mhm.
SYLVIA: Mhm.
ART: Hey, hi.
SYLVIA: Hey.
AUSTIN: Welcome back!
DRE: How's Mabel?
ART: Fine, fine. She got so scared, that's why I had to like jump off in the middle earlier.
JANINE: Aww!
ART: I don't know what because um, I think I've said this before but like, the fire engine sound is her like... is in her like howl pitch so when she hears a fire engine that's when she starts... she will always howl when she's close enough to a fire truck. [deep breath] But y- most of the time they don't get close enough to our house, y'know? It doesn't seem... the fire truck in the street isn't close enough.
[AUSTIN and JANINE hum, understanding]
ART: Um, but something happened because uh, we had a- we had a close enough emergency vehicle that she just went ballistic upstairs.
AUSTIN: [sympathetic noises]
ART: Um, I mean otherwise she's just having kind of a weird day. Uh, she got like, walked by our dog sitter earlier and, y'know, we're of course gonna leave her with the dog sitter when we go later, so she's just a little out of sorts.
AUSTIN: Buddy... Yeah, fair. Um...
ART: I'm excited to go see this thing, though.
AUSTIN: What is the thing you're going to?
ART: Uh, Kat's Arcade?
JANINE: Mm.
AUSTIN: What is that? [pause] [realizing] Oh, oh oh oh! Kat, like KB? Kat.
JANINE: Yeah.
ART: Yeah, yeah.
AUSTIN: That thing seems, that thing seems great.
ART: @katbamkapow.
AUSTIN: Yeah. Yeah, KB. Kat Bam Kapow. Yeah.
JANINE: KB. Kat.
AUSTIN: That's what B... yeah, mhm. [laughs] Perfect.
JANINE: Kat Burger King.
AUSTIN: Yup. [laughs with DRE] They got that, like, really elusive Burger King licensing deal, so- y'know.
SYLVIA: Yeah.
ART: Really, almost unheard-of for an academic.
AUSTIN: Mhm. It's- it's- y'know, more power to 'em, honestly, like, that's- that's- we've all, we've all gone for the BK grant, um, but it's so rare that you impress the King enough to get the grant, [ART laughing quietly] so, you know. [AUSTIN trying not to laugh] The arcade must be great.
SYLVIA: I mean, the King does have an invested interest in video games.
AUSTIN: That's true.
JANINE: Pedigree.
SYLVIA: If history has taught us anything.
AUSTIN: That's true. That's true. You know. Um, [laughs] alright. We're gonna start this game- [SYLVIA laughs]
JANINE: Call him Kingy B! [quieter, hurried, as if trying to move on from own joke] Yeah, let's go.
AUSTIN: That's... [laughs with SYLVIA] Did you ever see Kingy B's, uh, tips for, for karaoke? They're real bad. [SYLVIA laughs]
JANINE: Yeah, he says you should sing the McDonalds song but then put the word ‘dick’ in there. [laugh]
AUSTIN: [sings a few notes of the McDonalds theme song] Da-da da-da-da! Dick!
ART: Oh, I thought… [SYLVIA laughs again]
JANINE: ‘I'm lovin' dick.’ That's... it's right there! It works.
AUSTIN: ‘I'm lo’- Yeah, ‘I'm lovin' dick.’ Yeah.
ART: I thought we were doing Cardi B?
AUSTIN: Oh, no, we were not doing Cardi B.
ART: I was like, did Cardi B have a karaoke bit?
AUSTIN: Uh, yes. Uh, Cardi B was on the- the cars thing, right? Was Cardi B not- did Cardi B not do that?
ART: I don't think I watch as much James Corden as you think I do.
AUSTIN: No? [short pause] That's fair.
SYLVIA: That Carpool Karaoke thing is one of those things where it's like, I know it exists? But in my brain it doesn't really exist.
[beginning as crosstalk]
AUSTIN: Mhm. It's huge... it's huge! It's huuuge!
SYLVIA: I know, it's... It just, I feel like I never know about it until I see it's got like, 70 million views on YouTube and I'm like, 'I guess this is a thing.'
AUSTIN: That's a thing. [deep breath] Ah, alright. We should get back-
ART: It's probably the favorite thing on that network, right? It goes viral. It's...
AUSTIN: What network is that?
SYLVIA: Oh boy.
ART: Sticky? Sticky content for CBS? [SYLVIA groans]
AUSTIN: Let's not say that...
DRE: Oh, America's most watched network.
JANINE: Yeah.
AUSTIN: See, it's America's most watched network, which means it's hard to even tell you, and I couldn't even tell you, what the most popular thing is.
ART: I mean-
AUSTIN: [sound of typing] Highest rated TV shows...
ART: If- it's- I mean it's NCIS still, I think.
DRE: Probably.
AUSTIN: Oh, well then isn't that the most popular thing on the network?
ART: Um, well but here's the thing. I bet they can get a lot of views if, I don't know if you know this, it's the last season of television titan The Big Bang Theory, and if they got the cast of The Big Bang Theory doin' some carpool karaoke, I bet they could get some serious YouTube dollars.
AUSTIN: Big Bang... Carpool...
SYLVIA: All they need to do is get big Sheldon and small Sheldon in the car together and-
AUSTIN: Excuse me, um, we don't call him big Sheldon [SYLVIA laughs] in this family. [SYLVIA and DRE laugh]
JANINE: We call him sir.
AUSTIN: [laughing] Right, we call him Mr. Sir.
ART: Papa Shells.
SYLVIA: [laughing] If they got-
AUSTIN: Papa Shells... coming in hot!
SYLVIA: [still laughing] If they got Mr. Sir and Young Master Sir, uh, [AUSTIN laughs] in the car together... It's a guarantee.
AUSTIN: Oh... god. Yeah, that would do- they'd do- they would do gangbusters. [sniffs] Uh, okay...
SYLVIA: The reason we're talking about this is 'cause Samot is doing a horse drawn carriage karaoke right now-
AUSTIN: Yeah, a hundred percent.
[end of previous transcriber 0:08:07]
gray gray#6851: copyedit pass on the above, then began transcribing at 08:07
AUSTIN: On his way here. He is just- he is. He's having a fuckin' great time. Alright. So... [deep exhale]
DRE: What song would each of the-
AUSTIN: [laughing] Yeah.
DRE: Sams do? For their carpool karaoke?
AUSTIN: Let us know in the comments below.
SYLVIA: Oh, boy. The actual answer of what the highest, like, Nielsen-rated TV show is very depressing.
AUSTIN: Wait, what is it? It's not-
ART: It's not NCIS still?
SYLVIA: Nope. Nope. It's not Big Bang Theory, either.
AUSTIN: Can we get a hint?
SYLVIA: [sigh] Uhhh, it involves a person who's a piece of shit.
AUSTIN: Well, [snort] okay, that's not a good-
JANINE: That's not a good hint!
ART: That's not a good-
AUSTIN: The entertainment industry is huge. Yeah.
ART: Is it the news? [AUSTIN laughs]
SYLVIA: No, it's-
AUSTIN: Wait, no, give us another hint!
SYLVIA: It's, uh, she's not on this show anymore. That's named after her.
DRE: Oh, fuckin', um-
AUSTIN: Oh, is it Roseanne?
SYLVIA: Yeah.
AUSTIN: But isn't that show good now that she's off of it?
SYLVIA: I don't know. I have no idea.
AUSTIN: I heard that it got better.
SYLVIA: I don't know if they're counting that- the Connors?
AUSTIN: Right. The Connors.
SYLVIA: Like, they called that- if that's included in this, but yeah, it's 23.2-
[crosstalk]
AUSTIN: Wow.
SYLVIA: ...million viewers, and Big Bang is only 18.7.
AUSTIN: Take that, Big Papa Shell.
ART: That might be last season?
AUSTIN: Mm.
SYLVIA: This is, uhhh- this was published in October of 2018. So...
ART: Mm.
AUSTIN: Mmm. Who could say. It's a m- No one has the answers for this, unfortunately.
JANINE: Give it a couple decades until the Big Bang Theory comeback. And then...
[SOMEONE groans]
AUSTIN: What's that called?
DRE: I don't know, but my parents will be fuckin' stoked for it.
JANINE: Same.
AUSTIN: Nooooo...
JANINE: Parents fuckin' love that show.
AUSTIN: Really? No.
DRE: That and 2 Broke Girls. My parents watch it every week.
[general groaning]
ART: 2 Broke Girls has got to have been off the air.
DRE: I think it is, but I don't know.
SYLVIA: The, uh, the follow-up of Big-
AUSTIN: They still watch it. Religiously.
DRE: Yeah, they probably DVR old episodes.
SYLVIA: The, uh, the follow-up to The Big Bang Theory is just called The Heat Death of the Universe. [AUSTIN and JANINE laugh]
AUSTIN: Thank you. Perfect. Good. Can't wait. Honestly, sooner the better. [SYLVIA laughs] Anyway, Spring in Hieron!
SYLVIA: Right.
AUSTIN: Time for the Heat Death of the Universe!
SYLVIA: Speaking of... that!
AUSTIN: Yeah.
[musical cue]
JANINE: Jack, do you have any strong feelings about Asterix and Obelix?
JACK: Yeah! I think they're alright. I mean, I read 'em when I was a kid-
JANINE: Yeah?
JACK: I read 'em when I was k- when I was a kid, and I haven't gone back to them-
[crosstalk]
JANINE: Me too. Yeah.
JACK: But I remember, like, finding them both kind of grotesque and also [JANINE laughs] kind of- kind of funny, um, I liked the journeys they went on. I was always more of an Obelix fan, I think. Um.
JANINE: Yeah. Asterix is, like, an overachiever, and like, in a way that like, is- feels really unattainable, 'cause he's like, weirdly just blessed, right?
JACK: Yeah. But he has to rely on the magic potion-
JANINE: Yeah.
JACK: Whereas Obelix is just, like, an incredible-
JANINE: That's- yes, yes, yeah, Obelix is just a giant very strong baby who grew into be a giant very strong baby man. Or something like that- right?
[crosstalk]
JACK: Who's very kind to everybody-
AUSTIN: [baffled] What?
JACK: Except the Romans. Right?
JANINE: Well, yeah.
AUSTIN: I don't know anything about this. At all.
JACK: So Asterix and Obelix are two dear friends-
AUSTIN: Alright, let me say something. I- know a little bit. I s- I lied. [JACK laughs] I said I didn't know anything; that was a lie.
JANINE: He knows a little bit because the other day we were talking about this and I remarked-
AUSTIN: And Janine said Cleopatra had nice boobs.
JANINE: Yeah. Cleopatra had great boobs in those comics and that's why I started reading them as a child, because I didn't know what I was!
JACK: [amused] Right. Sure.
AUSTIN: And so that's what I know.
[crosstalk]
JANINE: [laughing] I didn't understand.
JACK: No!
AUSTIN: That's the only thing I know.
JANINE: I was like, 'ah! It's an attractive female character, that means I should relate to this book.'
AUSTIN: Mhm.
JACK: Um, I remember that, um, they go to the Olympics and- and it turns out that if you have someone who has inhuman strength at the Olympics, it kind of- it kind of, ah, levels the playing field a little. Um, I remember a lot that sometimes they sent whole Roman battalions out against Obelix and he just goes, like, charging off and you just see Romans flying everywhere.
AUSTIN: So they are- they are not Romans- they are-
JACK: No, oh my god. They're Gauls.
JANINE: No, they're- yeah, they're Gauls.
AUSTIN: Okay.
JACK: Uh, they hate the Romans.
JANINE: Mhm.
JACK: And uh- but they have this kind of really tenuous relationship with, like, Roman generals who sometimes show up and are like-
JANINE: [thoughtful] Yeah.
JACK: We'd like to be friendly for a bit.
AUSTIN: Mm.
JANINE: That's why it makes it kind of confusing to reflect back on those comics when I only, like, barely skimmed them as a kid- of just, like, wait a minute, so they're Gauls and they don't like the Romans. But also Caesar's in there a lot. So what's that about?
[crosstalk]
JACK: Yeah, they spend a lot of time with Caesar, don't they?
JANINE: They do! [JACK laughs]
AUSTIN: Are they buds?
[crosstalk]
JANINE: They really- like, lovingly-
[crosstalk]
AUSTIN: 'Cause it seems hard- he seems like the one not to be friends with.
JACK: If I remember- if I remember right, and this is like, a very hazy memory, it's- it's that, try as hard as they might, the- the Romans- the Roman campaign basically stops at the walls of this village.
AUSTIN: Uh-huh.
JACK: And the Romans have just, like, thrown every single thing they can at this village but these two superhumanly strong weirdos will defeat them every single time. [JANINE laughs] So I feel like, in my memory, the stuff with Caesar is a kind of, like, Ibex on the ship situation.
AUSTIN: Oh, right, yeah.
JANINE: Mm.
JACK: Where, like, Caesar will arrive and be like, 'look.' [AUSTIN laughs] You just keep punching my men into-
AUSTIN: You're like a nice dog, Asterix.
JACK: [laughing] Yeah! Yeah, pretty much.
JANINE: Well, they have a dog!
AUSTIN: Oh!
JACK: They do, yeah.
JANINE: What's the dog's name?
JACK: He's called Dogmatix.
JANINE: Right. Yes.
AUSTIN: [disbelieving laugh] That's great, love it.
[crosstalk]
JACK: Uh, but he has a different name in Fr-
AUSTIN: Fuckin'... put it in the name book.
JACK: He has a different name in French. In French he's called-
AUSTIN: Ibex. [laughs]
JACK: Idéfix.
AUSTIN: [laughing louder] Okay! [JACK laughs]
JANINE: Right, that's what I was trying to- yeah. 'Cause I- I- my dad had the English ones but my sch- my grade school library...
AUSTIN: Mmm.
JANINE: Had like a couple of the French ones, um, in there with the, like, Tintins and the Barbapappas. Uh.
JACK: I remember- yeah, like I read most of them in English and then I remember reading some of the French ones and being like, 'all the characters have different names! And I know from the English that these are puns, and my French is just not good enough to get the puns. [JANINE laughs]
AUSTIN: Mhm. Uh, should we do a clap?
JACK: Yeah, let's do it.
AUSTIN: Let's do a dang clap.
JANINE: Idéfix and Dogmatix are the same pun, technically, just with different words, though, so...
[crosstalk]
JACK: Yeah! But I was a kid. I didn't know that.
AUSTIN: Oh, right. I see. Yeah, that makes sense. It's some sort of idea thing, right? Yeah?
[crosstalk]
JACK: Yeah.
JANINE: Yeah, Idéfix would be, like, a fixed idea. Like... dogma.
AUSTIN: Mm. Mm.
JANINE: Anyway.
AUSTIN: Dogmatic, yeah.
JACK: Dogmatix is a better pun, though, right? 'Cause of the dog bit. [sudden] I'm still gonna clap at :50.
[synchronous clap]
AUSTIN: Does it mean 'dog' also?
JACK: Dogmatix? Well he's a-
AUSTIN: No, does i- id-
[crosstalk]
JANINE: Idéfix- no-
[crosstalk]
JACK: Not as far as I can tell, right-
[crosstalk]
AUSTIN: If there is a... 'dog' component.
JANINE: Yeah, there's like- I guess there's a dog pun I don't- there, that might be there that I don't know 'cause my- I don't know. I don't-
JACK: Puns are hard.
JANINE: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Yeah. Okay. I guess dogs get fixated-
JANINE: But I mean, Asterix and Obelix aren't, aren't puns, necessarily, in terms of like- the one guy's not punctuation, the other guy's not a big rock. Well, I mean, he's kind of a big rock.
JACK: He carries big rocks. That's his job. Right?
JANINE: He does carry big rocks, doesn't he? [pause] Maybe there's just a pun I don't get to Asterix.
AUSTIN: Probably.
JANINE: Maybe it's 'cause he's, like, a star. I don't know.
JACK: Oh, I bet that's what it is.
JANINE: What are we doing? [laughs]
[musical cue]
ART: I bet someone's tried to make spaghetti in a dishwasher.
ALI: Oh, have you seen- okay, we all have to start recording for this 'cause y'all-
AUSTIN: I have been recording.
ALI: Have y'all seen, like, dishwasher recipes? Like, lifehacks? [ART groans] Like, uh-
SYLVIA: [also groans] Yeah.
ALI: Like a- wrap a fish in a bunch of tinfoil and then put it in the dishwasher? And it's like- oh, it'll be steamed!
ART: No way it's hot enough for- to cook food.
ALI: [sighs] It's boiling water. [laughs] I don't know!
ART: Is it?!
ALI: I'm gonna find a YouTube video that says... um... dishwasher... [typing sounds] meals... 'Dishwasher meals!'
SYLVIA: Yeah.
ALI: 'How to cook an entire meal in the dishwasher.'
AUSTIN: See? I don't deceive. I lie, but I do not deceive. [ALI laughs]
SYLVIA: [microphone cutting them off] -eiving with that.
ALI: Yeah. [sighs]
SYLVIA: That's a deception.
AUSTIN: [hums]
SYLVIA: Oh, I just- I found a list of 6 scrumptious meals you can eat- you can make in the dishwasher.
ALI: Oh- please let me see it.
AUSTIN: Yeah, can we please go over these together?
SYLVIA: Yeah, absolutely.
AUSTIN: I just need to know.
SYLVIA: It's uhh-
ART: Do you- do you also wash your dishes at the same time, or...?
SYLVIA: Oh, I-
ALI: Yeah, it's efficiency-
SYLVIA: Which, uh, which chat [microphone cuts off] this in?
[general laughter and ruckus]
AUSTIN: Bluff City. Bluff City. Bluff City.
SYLVIA: [laughing] There you go.
ALI: Scrumptious.
SYLVIA: There's- a nightmare. It's a nightmare, the whole list.
ART: Well, if I can't trust inhabitat.com... [ALI and SYLVIA laugh] What can I trust?
AUSTIN (reading article aloud): 'Image of Lisa Casali via Fine Dining Lovers. The idea of cooking salmon in your dishwasher is a pretty well-known kitchen parlor trick that'- [trying not to laugh] Sorry, is it? Excuse me, is that a pretty well-known- okay.
SYLVIA: I think some of us knew it.
ALI: I knew it!
[crosstalk]
AUSTIN (continuing): 'A pretty well-known kitchen parlor trick that, by itself, ends up wasting a lot of power and water. However, in a recent NPR seg- segment, a pioneering food writer of dishwashing cuisine named Lisa Casali says she figured out a trendy new way to use- using heated sealed containers- heat-sealed containers, such as canning jars and food vacuum bags to cook all her food while cleaning a full rack of dirty dishes.'
AUSTIN: No. I- no.
SYLVIA: [unimpressed] Mmmm.
AUSTIN: Not while cleaning dishes!
ALI: Yeah, you can't put soap in there!
ART: Well, if it's a sealed container...
ALI: No. No no no no no.
AUSTIN: [scandalized] No!
ALI: You can't account for soap. You just can’t.
AUSTIN: Or garbage!
ART: Sealed is sealed. [ALI makes an uncertain noise]
AUSTIN: Can we all pick one of these meals?
[long pause]
ALI: To make? What are you-
[crosstalk]
ART: [indistinct]
SYLVIA: Uh...
AUSTIN: I'm saying, like, that's yours. The one that you would eat.
ALI: Oh.
AUSTIN: We have options.
SYLVIA: Uck! Have you seen these, though? 'Cause they're not- [ALI laughs]
AUSTIN: I'm lookin' at 'em. [SYLVIA groans] One of these is hilarious.
SYLVIA: [laughing] There's a few that are- uh- which one in particular?
ART: Okay, I- there's one of these I would try.
AUSTIN: Alright, which one?
[crosstalk]
ALI: Yeah?
SYLVIA: Mhm?
ART: Um, soft-boiled eggs.
ALI: Oh, 'cause they're already in a container-
AUSTIN (reading article again): 'Who says you need a sous vide cooking machine to create the perfect soft-boiled eggs? Lisa Casali's guide'- which is a link- 'says to toss some eggs into a glass container filled with water and heated in the dishwasher for an hour-long intensive cycle [laughs] at 65-' You gon' wait an hour for these soft-boiled eggs?
ART: How long do soft-boiled eggs take now?
AUSTIN: [laughing] Not an hour!
ART: I guess that's true. I know hard-boiled eggs take 9 minutes. [laughs]
ALI: [laughing] Who has ever- who's been able to set the temperature on their dishwasher?
AUSTIN: I just wanna know who is like, 'I could use a soft-boiled egg... in an hour.' [ALI laughs] 'But you know what, I gotta do some dishes first, so- oh, you know what! Just do 'em both at the same time.'
ALI: I don't... know...
ART: If you want, like, a lot of- oh, I guess soft-boiled eggs don't keep.
AUSTIN: No!
SYLVIA: My mind jumped to someone doing the dishes by hand while this was running to make their eggs-
AUSTIN: Oh- [laughs] [ALI laughs]
SYLVIA: Which is a whole other level.
AUSTIN: Oh my god.
ALI: God.
SYLVIA: Uh, the one that really gets me is the lasagna.
AUSTIN: That's- it's amazing.
ALI: Yeah. I don't trust that.
SYLVIA: It's a nightmare.
ALI: Also the, like, the- I- boiled vegetables are not the top of culinary even though, you know, there's good- there's great-
[crosstalk]
DRE (in background): Ahh, my audio’s not working...
ART: Naw, it's working. I can hear you, Dre.
ALI: Hi.
AUSTIN: Hi, Dre. We have a real important question for you.
SYLVIA: Dre might not be able to hear us.
ALI: Oh-
AUSTIN: Oh, you can't hear us. There- I gotcha. Alright, really important-
ALI: Oh, okay.
AUSTIN: We need you to, real quick-
DRE: Uh-huh.
AUSTIN: Click that link we just dropped in the Bluff City chat.
DRE: Oh boy.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN (reading article title): '6 Scrumptious Meals You Can Cook in a Dishwasher (Yes, You Read That Right).' [ALI laughs]
DRE: [loud sigh] Guys, I can't even wash dishes in my dishwasher right now, I-
AUSTIN: So- this is gonna give you the strength you need, uh- I'm just gonna go live. Does that sound fine?
ALI: Yeah.
DRE: Yeah.
SYLVIA: Gonna give you the motivation to, uh... fix your dishwasher.
AUSTIN: Yeah. That's- here's the thing, Dre, is- I know- I know that you need the motivation. [ART laughs] To fix that dishwasher.
DRE: Apparently- apparently this lasagna was on MythBusters. [ART laughs]
ALI: Shut up.
AUSTIN: Was it busted? Did it say if it was busted?
SYLVIA: Yeah, this was- trust me, this lasagna was busted no matter what. [ALI laughs]
AUSTIN: Got 'im! [ART and DRE laugh] ...wait, but was it?
DRE: I didn't click on the link.
AUSTIN: Also, can I-
DRE: I've seen- I've seen this salmon thing before.
ALI: The salmon, yeah.
AUSTIN: Ali, can you link us-
ALI: Oh, yes yes yes.
AUSTIN: Can you link us to the video?
ALI: Oh, the video, okay. Um- can I just have a minute to talk about how repulsive these vegetables look?
SYLVIA: Oh my god, yeah.
AUSTIN: Yeah, so that was the one that I cannot even abide. [ALI laughs]
SYLVIA: Yeah. That is-
DRE: Is this the couscous one?
AUSTIN: No. That is-
SYLVIA: No, the boiled vegetables-
AUSTIN: ‘Boiled vegetables galore.’ Ali, I need you to know that what you meant to link was the video that we're recording right now- [general laughter] and what you did link-
ALI: [embarrassed] Oh-
AUSTIN: Was ‘POPSUGAR Food: How To Cook An Entire Meal in the Dishwasher,' uh- blah blah blah, 'The Trend.' Thank you.
ALI: [laughs] Don't shoot your vegetables with that low angle.
AUSTIN: Right. Yes.
ALI: And also, there's just leaves?
AUSTIN: That's leaves. Which are... a vegetable.
ALI: Mm.
AUSTIN: I don't know. What is that? I don't know what that is.
ALI: I have no idea...
AUSTIN: What is it, does it say? Balsamic-tinged crunchy rad- rad- radicchio [pronounced rad-uh-CHEE-oh]?
DRE: Radicchio [pronounced ruh-DIHCK-ee-oh].
AUSTIN: Radicchio [repeating DRE's pronunciation]. I don't know shit about radicchio.
ART: Uh, do you know that this screen is on Discord?
AUSTIN: It was for a second. I pulled it off.
ART: Alright.
AUSTIN: I wanted to show Ali linking [ALI laughs] that entire meal. Um- what I would also love is-
[crosstalk]
DRE: Let me make sure I've- yeah, I've got the right mic. Okay. Alright.
AUSTIN: Is to see this chat, which isn't loading for me.
DRE: [dismayed] Vegan ribs!
SYLVIA: That- yeah! That stood out to me, too.
DRE: Michael Jordan GIF... Stop it. Get some help.
SYLVIA: God, I- I just saw this dishwasher lasagna florentine out of the corner of my eye and I swear to god I thought it said dishwasher lasagna Fortnite and- [ALI laughs]
AUSTIN: Catch me on Twitch.TV/lasagnafortnite, you already know what it is.
ALI: Ooh. [ART laughs]
DRE: Aw, does someone have that? Can we get that?
AUSTIN: I bet we could get [typing] lasagna...fortnite.
DRE: What about la- is .fortnite just its own URL yet?
AUSTIN: Not yet. Not yet.
[crosstalk]
SYLVIA: [laughing, quietly] Give it a year.
AUSTIN: Alright. I'm not gonna- we're gonna close all this shit down- uh-
DRE: [sighs] Don't buy a house.
ALI: [sympathetic laughter]
AUSTIN: Aw, buddy.
DRE: Naw, do buy a house. It's cool. But...
AUSTIN: But.
ART: Oh, but when the first time something breaks? And it’s- yeah, it’s horrible.
[beginning as crosstalk]
DRE: We have a dishwasher that’s not working. Yeah, it's horrible. Also, the light in our bedroom, like, it's hooked up to a remote, and when you turn it on, the light just blinks off and on constantly-
ALI: Mmm.
AUSTIN: That sounds scary.
DRE: So that’s not good.
ART: We found out there were mice living in our dishwasher.
DRE: Aw hell yeah.
AUSTIN: Don't...
ALI: What...
AUSTIN: Why did-
DRE: Can't wait for that!
AUSTIN: Why- No!
SYLVIA: Did they get into yours- your lasagna? [ALI laughs]
ART: Or not, like, in the dishwasher, like in the-
AUSTIN: Inside the dishwasher.
ART: In the dishwasher compartment.
DRE: Oh, yeah, in the space behind, like- in between the dishwasher's like- back? And the wall?
ART: Yeah.
DRE: That makes sense. I could see that.
ART: I think it makes sense, yeah, 'cause- a lot of food ends up under the dishwasher, right?
AUSTIN: Sure. Sure.
DRE: Yeah, yeah.
AUSTIN: So- how's everybody doing tonight.
SYLVIA: I've been better.
DRE: Pretty- I was having a great day until the dishwasher explosion.
AUSTIN: Oh. [sadder] Oh. [ALI laughs] I wish I could- I wish I can-
DRE: Nah, it's still good. It's still good.
AUSTIN: It's gonna get better in a second-
DRE: It's- hell yeah.
AUSTIN: Because I'm uploading an image to the screen. An important one. I mean, one, you can already see- it says here- wait, I guess y'all aren't in this. Hold on. Let me close this. Let me bring you all over to this page.
ALI: Okay.
AUSTIN: This much more important page. Oh whoops, no one look at the screen real quick, that's spoilers for Lacuna. Okay. There you are. [DRE laughs] There you go.
DRE: Oh, I should get into Roll20, huh.
AUSTIN: You should get in Roll20. And go to the Bluff City page.
ART: Did that make it on... screen?
AUSTIN: Oh, absolutely. [ART laughs]
ALI: Great.
AUSTIN: It's fine.
DRE: We're doin' this shit live.
ALI: Uh-huh.
AUSTIN: We really, truly are. Ali, did you add, like, a link? Oh- there it is. I see.
ALI: It's been there, yeah! People are hangin' out.
AUSTIN: Are people here? In the chat? Okay.
ALI: People have been here!
ART: Oh, yeah, we've got 118 people wa- [cuts off]
AUSTIN: Oh, no.
DRE: Watching this.
AUSTIN: Why'd they do that? [screenshot noise]
ALI: 'Cause I linked out a link with like, hey, meet us here in 20 minutes. [laughs] [screenshot noise]
AUSTIN: That's... foolish. Of them. Uh, alright, let's save this file- [ALI laughs] Damn, that was good. I prep- aw man, I just did some shit that's, like, next-level prepping- [window pop-up noise] for shit... Don't even worry about it. It's fine. I just had like- I named my files right so this whole exchange just happened very smoothly, that's all you need to know.
[musical cue]
KEITH (from a distance): Dude- Stop- Get out of here, man!
[SOMEONE snorts]
KEITH (at the correct range for audio): How do I explain renting to my cat? He can't ruin this door.
KEITH (from a distance again): Oh my god!
AUSTIN: Uh, I think we should @ Ali. I just realized no one had- technically given her a holler.
ART: I can see her working on the slides.
AUSTIN: Oh, is she?
ART: Yeah.
AUSTIN: She hasn't added anything.
ART: Well, her picture keeps movin' around to different slides.
AUSTIN: That was me.
ART: You're Ali?
AUSTIN: Yeah, it's- [snorts] I'm Ali.
ART: [laughing] I thought you were Anonymous Cheetah.
AUSTIN: [genuinely delighted] Oh, wow, am I Anonymous Cheetah? Are you Anonymous Anteater [laughs] or Anonymous Otter?
ART: I'm Anonymous Otter.
AUSTIN: Okay. That's alright.
KEITH: Oh, how do you know which one you are?
AUSTIN: By process of elimination.
KEITH: Well, I'm in there.
AUSTIN: You're Anonymous-
ART: Anteater.
AUSTIN: Anteater.
KEITH: Oh, 'cause I don't see Anteater. Got it.
AUSTIN: Right. Yeah.
KEITH: I would like to declare myself as a known anteater.
AUSTIN: Not an anonymous one. A nonymous one.
KEITH: Yeah. Public anteater.
AUSTIN: Named anteater. [pause] You know what’s weird-
KEITH: Or maybe pseudononymous anteater. That would be good.
AUSTIN: Ooh. Yeah.
KEITH: 'What's your name, anteater?' Uh, it's... Chuck. [AUSTIN laughs] What would be good?
AUSTIN: I said... Do you know what's weird?
KEITH: Oh, okay.
AUSTIN: Origin sells, like, Assassin's Creed: Odyssey. Why?
KEITH: Is... it's published through EA, right? No, it's- is it- No, it's-
[crosstalk]
AUSTIN: It’s Ubisoft.
[beginning as crosstalk]
KEITH: Ubisoft. Duh. Yeah, of course it is.
AUSTIN: So it's weird that it's just like, on their store page. I'm waiting to see-
KEITH: Maybe they just offered Ubisoft-
ART: I mean, Steam sells Assassin's Creed, right? I mean-
AUSTIN: Yeah, true. I guess Origin was trying to be a competitor. And failing.
KEITH: Maybe, uh- maybe they just offered Ubisoft less than a fucking 30% cut of-
AUSTIN: [laughing] Yeah, that shit's wild.
[crosstalk]
KEITH: For being on their storefront.
AUSTIN: This whole thing. Did you see that terrible tweet from-
KEITH: That's bigger than GrubHub.
AUSTIN: Did you see the terrible tweet?
KEITH: No. Which one?
AUSTIN: The terrible one. From- the dude who runs Epic Games.
KEITH: Aw, man. No, I see terrible tweets every day but I didn't see that one.
AUSTIN: This is old. And I didn't know about- so, on the podcast today- on the Waypoint podcast today, Patrick and I were- were discussing whether or not we thought they would run the Epic Games stores like a gated market or not. Like, would it be a walled garden, or whether or not it would kind of become Steam-like.
KEITH: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Um, and- uh- well, here's a tweet. This is from Jeff Grubb over at VentureBeat-
KEITH: GrubHub. Mr. GrubHub.
AUSTIN: GrubHub. Mr. GrubHub himself says,
AUSTIN (reading a tweet): 'Epic has already said that it's going to open up the Epic Game store wider in 2019 and it won't moderate for content, and I believe that, because Sweeney'- Tim Sweeney, who is the- something at Epic- one of the co-founders?
KEITH: CFO.
AUSTIN: Um. He's one of the co-founders of, of it. I think he's a billionaire. He's worth 1.8 bil. [KEITH whistles, impressed] Uh, uh-
KEITH: So he's like a- he's like a low billionaire.
AUSTIN: Yeah, well- not even 2.
KEITH: [laughing] Not even 2!
AUSTIN: So that's barely a billionaire.
KEITH: Fucking joke.
AUSTIN: Well okay but wait- 'and I believe that, because Sweeney tweeted this on the day that Twitter banned Alex Jones.'
AUSTIN (reading another tweet): 'Twitter is really upping its survivor metagame with a unique tw- with unique new ways to kick people off the island. Special privileges for verified users, shadowbanning, trial by pressure campaign, and good ol' executive fiat by @jack.' Tim Sweeney out here reppin' for Alex Jones.
ART: Reppin' for Alex Jones.
AUSTIN: Uh-huh.
ART: I thought Epic was a reasonably good company, too.
AUSTIN: [sighing] Yeah.
ART: Didn't they, like, give a bunch of people money back because Fortnite was doing so well?
AUSTIN: They did! Well, so they did that, and then they also just announced that their store is gonna give developers- or publishers- 88% of income-
KEITH: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Instead of the industry standard 30.
KEITH: I just th-
AUSTIN: Or sorry, industry standard- sorry- industry standard 70. 70/30 is the- is the normal split. Publishers get 70, platform holders get 30. And Epic is like... naw. Which is great, but- but this guy sucks.
KEITH: Yeah. They also have a pr- a fairly reasonable price on licensing on Real now.
AUSTIN: Yup! Yes. Yup. Totally.
ART: Which has retroactively gave them the pricing to everyone, right? That was the Fortnite thing? They made so much money on Fortnite they were like 'we're lowering our price and if you've ever paid, you're gonna pay less'?
AUSTIN: Yeah. It's wild. Like they- that stuff's all great. Like genuinely-
KEITH: Yeah. This is all stuff I looked into yesterday 'cause I like- we half-talked about this on- we talked about the storefront thing and Steam- Steam changing their pricing. They're lowering prices for higher-selling games.
AUSTIN: Yeah.
KEITH: Uhh, which sucks. Um.
AUSTIN: It does.
KEITH: But we didn't really k- we didn't really know what we were talking about so I had to take the whole segment out of the podcast. [laughs]
AUSTIN: Mmm.
KEITH: 'Cause it was like, we only half-knew everything we were talking about.
AUSTIN: Yeah. Yeah. That's tough.
KEITH: Yeah. But we half-got all this. In the show. Which would've been nice, if we had, uh- whole-gotten any of it. But whatever. [shrugs it off]
AUSTIN: Um, the wildest thing for me right now is going onto Steam's message boards for stuff and, like- so for- Ashen has a Steam message board even though now it's delayed on Steam because Epic- whatever- signed a deal to make it one of their exclusives on PC. Uh, for now, at least. Um- the Ashen message board is just a bunch of people complaining and yelling about how Epic is the devil and how Steam is good and how there wouldn't even be PC gaming without Steam. So...
ART: There was PC gaming before Steam!
AUSTIN: [joking] No. They invented it. They invented the personal computer. The first one was steam-powered, that's where they got the name Steam.
KEITH: Man. It's super funny because I just played a game that, uh, on Steam, that was so busted- like, so broken- Ali was there. Me, Jack, and Ali streamed-
AUSTIN: Oh, did you stream- what was that? What did you stream? Did you stream-
KEITH: That was Precursor. It was a game that Jack found like a year and a half ago [Austin 'ooh's] that we finally got around to and everything in the entire game had, like, nonstop flickering textures. [Austin groans] Like, all the environments.
AUSTIN: That's no good.
KEITH: And the fix was 'don't have an ATI card.' [laughs]
AUSTIN: Oh, wow. Fixed. Thanks.
KEITH: That was the fix. And it's like- So like-
AUSTIN: Love to PC game.
KEITH: Yeah, it's not like Epic- er, it's not like Steam is, like, has these solid qual- 'we won't let anything that doesn't work on our platform.'
AUSTIN: Right, right. Alright, we should- we should start. You ready to go live?
ART and KEITH: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Alright. We are live. Let's make sure this actually works.
ALI: Is it working?
AUSTIN: I have no idea.
ALI: Okay.
AUSTIN: Yes- Yes- Oh, it was-
KEITH: Yup. Yeah, no, it's working. It's super working.
ALI: It seems to be a-
ART: Oh, this is a Stream Friends flashback.
AUSTIN: This is. This is what happens every time I stream. [ALI laughs]
ART: Starting any live thing with just, like, 40 seconds of- does this- is this working, are we-
AUSTIN: We are live. People are listening to us right now, but I can't load the channel for some reason.
ALI: Oh?
AUSTIN: Which is strange.
ALI: [casually] Well, you were banned.
AUSTIN: Oh!
ALI: Umm. Yeah.
AUSTIN: Because- why? What, can you- am I allowed to ask why I was banned?
ALI: It was a bit of a Terms of Service thing. We'll talk about it later. [laughs]
AUSTIN: Oh, oh- did you actually see that? Did you see that- that thing that happened?
ALI: No- [laughing] Wait, what?
AUSTIN: Did you not see that I got a fucking copyright strike on YouTube or a- a whatever strike on YouTube?
ALI: Oh, wait, I think I did see that.
KEITH: Ohh, yeah.
ART: Oh, it's 'cause of Keith, right?
KEITH: No! No no no.
[crosstalk]
AUSTIN: [alarmed] What?
KEITH: Well, we did get that- [ALI laughs] no, hold on- so, I streamed- I accidentally streamed, like, 30 seconds of Pokemon to the Friends at the Table account, and then that got flagged by Nintendo.
[crosstalk]
AUSTIN: That's fine. Gotchu. No. Okay.
KEITH: But no, you're thinking of a different thing.
AUSTIN: Which is wild, 'cause like the next day they changed their policy on that. Did you see that?
KEITH: Yeah, and- yeah, and I streamed on my channel and nothing happened and also, we've been doing our Mario- hey everybody!- at RunButton, at YouTube.com/RunButton, we've been doing our Let's Play 30 Years of Mario thing for, like, 3 years and we have gotten like... 2 s- uh, not strikes but, um- flags for, like, 'hey, we wanna monetize this for ourselves,' but it was both for music, it was nothing from the game.
AUSTIN: Right.
KEITH: It was never from Nintendo.
AUSTIN: The thing that I got was, I was streaming- or I wasn't streaming, I did a, um, I made a video of a goofy thing that happened to me in Fallout 76 because there was, like, a- there was an enemy that couldn't jump down from a curb, basically.
ALI: Oh, yes... Yeah...
AUSTIN: Like- it like- it had to walk the long way around over and over again and so I was taunting them. Um. Anyway, the thing that then happened was- I got, 'Attention: As you may know, our community guidelines, which describe content we allow and don't allow on YouTube'- uh- 'your video, quote, "having a normal one in Fallout 76," was flagged for review. Upon review we've determined that it violates our guidelines. We've removed it from YouTube and assigned a community guidelines strike or temporary penalty to your account.'
AUSTIN (CONT.): Uh, 'Video content restrictions:,' and then this is their reason for blocking it: 'it's not okay to post large amounts of untargeted, unwanted, or repetitive content to YouTube. If the main purpose of your content is to drive people off of YouTube and onto another site, it will likely violate our spam policies. In addition, misleading descriptions, tags, titles, thumbnails, designed to increase views, are not allowed. Tags should only be placed in the appropriate tag section,' et cetera, et cetera.
KEITH: Ohh. Do you think it was because they were like, [YouTube voice] 'this isn't a normal one in Fallout 76!'
[loud laughter]
ART: Or do you- are all normal ones banned?
AUSTIN: I think all normal-
ART: YouTube is only for exceptional ones. [ALI laughs]
AUSTIN: Exceptional ones only.
KEITH: Normal ones are drivin' people off YouTube! [AUSTIN laughs]
ART: But like, if repetitive content is not for YouTube- I mean-
AUSTIN: [tired] Yeah.
ALI: What are they doing?
ART: As someone who's had Baby Shark stuck in their head for a week [AUSTIN laughs] I have- I object.
AUSTIN: Anyway, I appealed and they did- they, uh, they retracted it. It's back live, you can go watch 'having a normal one in Fallout 76' whenever- in fact, look. Check this shit out. I have it. It's over here. I'm just gonna make it big and you can watch it. I can break my own rule- now I'm gonna get- we're gonna get a copyright strike for showing this-
KEITH: Oh, yeah.
AUSTIN: On- on our stream.
KEITH: Well, now this is now officially repetitive.
AUSTIN: [laughing] This is now repetitive content. [ALI laughs] We just need a little picture of me in the corner, like, givin' a face being like- hey, look, I'm commenting on it. This is editorializing now. [KEITH laughs]
ALI: Mhm.
AUSTIN: That's what it counts as. So... wait, do I have that? Can I just do that? Is that a thing I can just do? Uhhh.
ALI: Wait...
AUSTIN: No. No, it isn't. Oh well. [ALI laughs] It's fine, it's fine. Alright, we should clap.
[crosstalk]
KEITH (watching 'having a normal one in Fallout 76'): Mole-
AUSTIN: We should do a clap.
KEITH: Mole Miner Supervisor.
[pause]
AUSTIN: Do you wanna clap at-
KEITH: That's fucked up! This guy is trying to do his job!
AUSTIN: ... :35?
ALI: Oh- we just went offline.
AUSTIN: Friends? [ART cackles]
ALI: [laughing hard] Did Austin try to put his face up and his whole internet crashed?
ART: [distressed] Austin?
ALI: [laughing] Austin?
KEITH: Austin?
AUSTIN: I'm back. I'm back. YouTube- YouTube came for me. [ART laughs]
KEITH: They came, yeah.
AUSTIN: YouTube came for me and-
KEITH: Warning shot.
AUSTIN: They sent a warning shot my way.
KEITH: Speaki- okay-
AUSTIN: They did a fuckin' takedown.
KEITH: We should remember, now that that happened, to do a clap.
AUSTIN: We should do a clap. Do you wanna do a clap at- at :10?
ALI: Oh.
KEITH: Yeah, I can do that.
ART: What?
AUSTIN: What?
ART: How far are we from :10?
KEITH: 0.
ART: Okay, now-
[several claps, excluding ART]
ART: Oh no. [muttering, quieter] Oh no.
ALI: Mmm.
KEITH: Yeah, so not far enough from :10.
AUSTIN: Not far enough. Are we back? By the way?
KEITH: Yeah, we're back.
ALI: We're back.
AUSTIN: We are?
ALI: Mhm.
AUSTIN: Okay.
ALI: I was watching time.is on YouTube, which is why I did not clap at :10.
AUSTIN: That's gonna throw you way off. Alright, :30. :30. :30.
[ALL clap, synchronized]
AUSTIN: Okay.
KEITH: So how's Fallout?
[scattered laughter]
AUSTIN: Phwoo. Yeah. You know. It's a- it's a couple different ways.
KEITH: There's a new- new RunButton podcast out today. I got- I had a real burn in there. That was fun.
AUSTIN: Did you play that game?
KEITH: Uh, no. We were talking about the, um- the canvas bag thing.
AUSTIN: Mm.
ALI: Mmm.
KEITH: Or I made a joke about the-
AUSTIN: We should sue them 'cause of the bug- the Twilight Mirage bug they got.
ALI: Wait, what?
KEITH: They have a Twilight Mirage bug?
ART: Oh, they turned Fallout into Twilight Mirage!
KEITH: Oh, is it if you crouch into a certain corner and then jump onto a certain spot it plays an episode of Friends at the Table?
AUSTIN: It just plays the whole episode! Yeah. No, the thing that made it so that guns don't work anymore. [KEITH laughs]
ALI: Ohh, yeah, right. Mhm!
AUSTIN: Um- alright, we should do a podcast.
KEITH: Did we ever do something about 'too much corn'? Did we do- [ALI laughs]
AUSTIN: I think we did 'not enough milk.'
KEITH: We did 'not enough milk'- okay, yeah.
AUSTIN: We could've easily done an episode that had a thing about there being too much corn.
ALI: Yup. Do- we still have time for that, so don't...
AUSTIN: Yeah, the home- That first home game almost got there. I have a spoiler for Emmanuel's weird tree problem. It is an endlessly growing ear of corn. Just gonna keep growing.
ALI: Oh!
AUSTIN: There's two thousand ears of corn.
KEITH: Wow, I can't wait to figure out what a 'weird tree problem' means.
AUSTIN: [laughs] Yeah, get ready. It's gonna go great. It's gonna be fantastic.
ART: I'm gonna solve that problem with a microwave and some butter. [ALI and AUSTIN laugh]
AUSTIN: Perfect. Okay. I somehow lost chat. Where did chat go?
KEITH: Did you ever use- did you ever use those, um, corn-on-the-cob skewers that were, themselves, little corns-on-the-cob?
AUSTIN: Yeah, of course!
ALI: Oh, yes. I have a set.
AUSTIN: All the time.
ALI: They're beautiful.
KEITH: God, I just- I feel like that's such, like, insult to injury for- to the corn. [ALI laughs]
AUSTIN: Can I say that I thought you were saying 'have you ever used those popcorn skewers'?
KEITH: Popcorn skewers...
AUSTIN: And I was gonna say, that's a terrible way to eat popcorn. That's dangerous. [KEITH laughs]
KEITH: Yeah, no, you would probably poke yourself with one of those. In the cheek.
AUSTIN: Almost certainly. Almost certainly. Um-
ART: Popcorn with a fork.
AUSTIN: [snorts] Uh. Alright.
[musical cue]
JANINE: There's a lot of people who say 'gourd' [GOO-erd, but quickly enough that the syllables almost blend together] differently than- than me.
AUSTIN: How do you say it?
JANINE: I say it 'gourd' [GOO-erd]
ALI: It's 'gourd' [GORD], right?
AUSTIN: 'Gourd' [GORD] is what I say.
JANINE: Everyone else is saying 'gourd' [GORD].
ALI: It's 'gourd' [GORD]!
AUSTIN: Hmm...
JANINE: 'Gourd' [GORD]...
AUSTIN: I can't hear the difference well. [laughs]
ALI: Do you mean gourd with a 'u'-
JANINE: I have a- I have a poll on my Twitter that says [slowly, with emphasis] 'GOO-erd'-
AUSTIN: [at a normal speaking rate] 'GOO-erd.' No, I don't say that.
JANINE: 'goo-ERD,' or 'GORD'.
ALI: 'Gourd' [gord]!
JANINE: 'goo-ERD' is losing most.
AUSTIN: See, I think there- is there a difference between 'a bull has gored me' and 'I am'- 'I'm drinking from this'-
JANINE: That's gored.
AUSTIN: Right, and I'm drinking from this gourd.
JANINE: Like Al Gore.
AUSTIN: Gourd. Yeah, I- I have- mm. I'm trying to figure out if I say it- if I-
ALI: No, the- the-
JANINE: Boule, like ‘bouillon’. [laughs]
ALI: The harvest vegetable and the violent action are the same for me.
JANINE: Oh.
ALI: Gourd and gored. Right.
AUSTIN: That might be true for me too, right?
JANINE: I- Ohh.
AUSTIN: Gourd and gored. Gourd... gore- I imagine that there's a 'u' there, that I'm pronouncing, but I don't know that I'm actually pronouncing it. [ALI laughs] Do you know what I mean?
JANINE: It sounds like you're doing a bit of a GO-erd.
AUSTIN: I'm not doing a GO-erd.
ALI: No.
JANINE: Like it's a very- no, no, but like it's- [ALI laughs] There's like a lineage of it. Buried in there.
AUSTIN: Hmm. Maybe. [pause] Gourd. Which am I saying? Gourd.
JANINE: You're saying GO-erd.
AUSTIN: [refusing] What?! [JANINE laughs] I'm not hearing that at all.
JANINE: I hear GO-erd.
AUSTIN: GO-erd? I'm not even close to an 'o'-
JANINE: It's shortened, it's shortened- it's shortened.
AUSTIN: I'm not even- there's no 'o' even in the picture.
JANINE: [scandalized] What?!
AUSTIN: There's no 'o' sound anywhere in what I was just saying.
JANINE: Excuse me?
AUSTIN: No 'o'- 'o,' like a long o. There's no long o sound.
JANINE: Oh, okay. I thought you meant, like, no 'o' in general. I was like, what are you-
AUSTIN: No, no.
JANINE: -what are you saying, then?
AUSTIN: Gourd. [pause] Yeah, I don't hear an 'o' in there.
JANINE: Gourd.
AUSTIN: Which one were you just saying?
JANINE: I was saying it with a long o.
AUSTIN: What? [uncomfortable laugh]
JANINE: With a- not an 'oo' o, but a-
AUSTIN: That'd be 'goard' [vowel sound as in 'road' or 'bode']. Or a 'goord' [as in 'who' or 'too']. Yeah, that'd be a 'goord' or a 'goard' and you're not saying either of those.
JANINE: I- My natural thing is 'gourd' [GOO-erd]. Like, Gould.
AUSTIN: That sounds like a different vowel to me.
JANINE: Gould?
AUSTIN: Gould-
JANINE: Like the last name?
AUSTIN: Yeah, it sounds like a different vowel than what you were just saying, when you said the other word.
JANINE: Gourd and Gould.
AUSTIN: No, those sound different to me. There's more of an 'oo' in- Gould. Than- than what you're putting in gourd. [pause] I'm not hearing it.
JANINE: Who're we- okay. Right. [ALI laughs] Right as I was asking, like, wait, who? Yeah. Hi, Dre.
DRE: Hey.
JANINE: It you.
AUSTIN: Hi. How you doin'?
DRE: Okay. Still gettin' over this stupid cold, but it's just in the-
ALI: Aw.
AUSTIN: It is that season.
DRE: Yeah, it's- it's just in like, the gross, like, having to blow my nose every 5 seconds phase.
AUSTIN: [sympathetic noise] That sucks.
DRE: It's- hey. I would rather have this than, like, what Keith and Jack are apparently going through.
ALI: Yeah...
AUSTIN: Fair.
DRE: 'Cause that sounds awful.
AUSTIN: Alright. Give me one second to turn this console off- Okay! Alright. Um, I'm gonna go live to card. [pause] Ready?
ALI and JANINE: Mhm.
DRE: Mm!
AUSTIN: [click click] ...hey! Hi. I think we are online. I think. Is that true?
ALI: Mmmm...
JANINE: [clicks tongue] Umm.
ALI: People have been in the chat for a bit 'cause I sent the link out really early. Oh, it says we're live!
AUSTIN: Awesome.
JANINE: Yay!
AUSTIN: Well then, I'm gonna slide over this time.is- Happy International Anti-corruption Day-
ALI: Ooh. [DRE snorts]
JANINE: Seems like that one's working.
AUSTIN: Uh, 'I program my home computer. Beam myself into the future. -Kraftwerk' is the quote today. That's exciting. Um, we should do a clap.
ALI: Oh, yes.
JANINE: Do lyrics count as quotes?
AUSTIN: Yeah, lyrics count as quotes. [sniff] Right?
JANINE: You said that so, like- 'why would you even ask this?'
AUSTIN: I was yawning- euh- it came out harsher than I intended. [JANINE laughs] Um. I think lyrics count as quotes. Uh- :40?
DRE: Sure.
[clap]
AUSTIN: Hmm. [ALI laughs] Someone was extremely late.
ALI: It was fine.
AUSTIN: You sure?
ALI: Uh-huh.
AUSTIN: [disbelieving] Okay!
ALI: Mhm. [slight pause]
AUSTIN: I have a recording going anyway, so-
ALI: Yup. [laughs]
AUSTIN: If we need it, we'll be good. Uhh...
[musical cue]
AUSTIN: God, I forgot how good Skiddo was. [long pause]
JANINE: Skiddo's really good, yes-
[crosstalk]
AUSTIN: Skidoo?
[crosstalk]
JANINE: Skidoo-
AUSTIN: I always said Skiddo, 'cause like, kiddo.
DRE: Ssskitter-de-rinke-dinke-dink?
AUSTIN: Yes. Also, Deerling and Sawsbuck are cool. I never saw them before.
JANINE: Yeaaah! They change with the seasons. They're neat.
AUSTIN: Oh, do they? That's sick.
JANINE: Yeah.
[crosstalk]
SYLVIA: Yeah, yeah, there- I think the autumn Sawsbuck that looks really cool?
[crosstalk]
AUSTIN: That's so cool!
[crosstalk]
JANINE: It's really cool.
AUSTIN: Yeah, autumn Sawsbucks looks great.
SYLVIA: Yeah.
AUSTIN: They all look great. [overlapped] Spring one, too.
ART: How does the- how does it know?
AUSTIN: Good question.
SYLVIA: Oh, it uses the- like- like, how does the Sawsbuck know, in like, the fiction, [AUSTIN laughs] or how does the game know? 'Cause I can answer one of those.
[beginning as crosstalk]
AUSTIN: How does the game know? How does the game know.
SYLVIA: Uh, it depends on the month you catch it.
AUSTIN: Oh, so it stays as that thing.
SYLVIA: I think so. Yeah.
ART: That's kind of chilling.
SYLVIA: Oh no, wait. [pause] Yeah, yeah. It's kind of a bummer. [AUSTIN laughs and sighs]
ART: I hate it. [laughs]
SYLVIA: Yeah. The winter one's got some great-
AUSTIN: We're all dying, Art. [ART laughs]
JANINE: Mm.
AUSTIN: [laughs and sighs again] Man.
ART: Alright, I'm- I'm up on a new file.
SYLVIA: Mine is blinking- I need to shut down.
AUSTIN: No worries.
SYLVIA: I’m gonna get another one going in a sec.
DRE: Just gonna keep linkin’ weird animal pictures.
AUSTIN: Hell yes.
SYLVIA: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Welcome to Friends at the Table.
[musical cue until end of episode]