How To Be A Trans Ally!

Basic etiquette

Do:

• When you meet people, introduce yourself with your name and your pronouns first, then ask for theirs. Do this for everyone, not just people who “look like they might be trans.” If the other person isn't comfortable sharing pronouns, that’s okay. Just refer to that person by name.

• If someone else misgenders us, ask us privately if we’d like you to speak up for us. Some of us would feel so grateful if you did. Some of us are not ready for that, or maybe we would like it in social settings but not at work. If you misgender us, just say sorry, correct yourself, and move on.

• When by yourself, you can practice visualizing a person and saying sentences with the correct pronouns. Ex. “Rose had to go back to her car because she forgot her purse.” But remember that it’s more than just memorizing pronouns; it’s about seeing each person for who they truly are. You need to truly see trans women as women, not guys who prefer “she/her.” Same goes for trans men and nonbinary folks.

Don’t:

• Don’t make it a big deal if you misgender us. Being overly apologetic puts us in the weird position of having to comfort you. Saying things like, “it’s so hard” makes it sound like we’re a burden to you. Further, making a big deal about it may out us as trans to anyone within earshot.

• Don’t ask invasive questions about our bodies. What’s in our pants or what surgeries we’ve had is none of your business. It’s okay to be curious about medical procedures, but please google your question rather than pushing us to talk about something that’s often deeply personal.

• Don’t say things like “you’re so pretty! I never would have guessed that you’re a trans woman.” This implies that you think most trans women are ugly, but this person is an exception. It’s extremely rude. Also don’t say, “But if you want to be a man, why do you wear leggings?” First off, trans men don’t *want* to be men; they are men. Secondly, this implies that you believe men must limit their behaviors and expression to traditional masculinity, which restricts personal expression at best and can be misogynistic at worst. Or, you believe that freedom of expression is only for cisgender people, while trans people must always hyper-perform their gender in order to “prove” themselves. This is false. There are no rules as to which gender is allowed to wear what. People are allowed to wear whatever makes them happy.

• DO NOT OUT US. Even if we seem pretty open about our identity, it is our story to tell. Also, even when speaking to us directly, do not make any comment about our trans gender in front of others who may not know, or as we’re about to enter a gender-segregated space such as a restroom.

Allyship

• Please post about trans issues on social media. I know social media activism has gotten a bad rep as performative, but I would much rather see people reposting infographics than doing nothing. Silence is violence.

• Attend ally workshops by trans activists, or watch/ listen to their online content. I recommend Schuyler Bailar (pinkmantaray), Kayden Coleman, Alok Vaid-Menon, Laverne Cox, or Pınar Ateş Sinopoulos-Lloyd (Queer Quechua).

• Read books about trans people, written by trans authors. Watch Leslie Feinberg’s speeches on YouTube. Learn about our history. We are not new. We’ve been systematically erased since colonization. Two Spirit Indigenous folks in particular have and continue to face extreme persecution.

• Share trans resources. A lot of trans people may not know what resources are available to them. Hotlines like Trans Lifeline are great for people in crisis. (Trevor Project might call the police, which many trans people are deeply uncomfortable with.) Planned Parenthood provides gender-affirming healthcare. Lambda Legal helps LGBTQ+ people with legal issues, including name change clinics. The ACLU also helps fight for inclusive policies. More on this later.

• Donate to any of the above organizations, and to mutual aid projects. Being trans is expensive. It costs $500 to change your name in CA, $10,000 for top surgery, $40 for a chest binder, plus the cost of new clothes and makeup. (I have no idea the cost of bottom surgery, or facial feminization surgery.) This does not mix well with the employment discrimination we face.

• Many trans people are unhoused, and lots of shelters discriminate against trans people. Find organizations that are trans friendly, and donate.

• Attend a protest. If there are none, organize one— even if that’s just gathering friends and holding “Protect Trans Kids” signs in your downtown.

• Is there an LGBTQ+ center in your city or college campus? What trans-specific resources do they have? Maybe you can leave a list of trans resources, volunteer, or donate.

• Trans people in the South need our help the most. Donate to Southern Equality and share this resource guide: https://southernequality.org/resources/transinthesouth/ 

• The Minnesota Governor just made the state a refuge for gender affirming healthcare. Contact your city council or state governor to push for more sanctuary cities and states!

Resources for Trans People

• HRT/Healthcare: If you can’t comfortably receive hormone replacement therapy (HRT) from your primary care physician, consider going to Planned Parenthood for labs and a prescription. Planned Parenthood also offers services for sexual and reproductive healthcare, and can give you further resources for gender affirming healthcare, including surgeons, in your area. Additionally, I recommend a coupon app called GoodRx that brought the cost of my 4-month testosterone prescription from $108 down to $31. Alternatively, you can get online treatment through Folx Health or Plume. They ship the prescription to your door.

• Changing Name and Gender Marker: this process varies drastically from state to state, and can even vary from county to county. If there’s an LGBT Center or Lambda Legal in your area, ask if they’re hosting any name and gender change clinics. Another resource is the Transgender Legal Defense & Education Fund, which is free for low-income folks.

As someone who lives in California, I’ll share what I did in a footnote.^[1] 

• Legal Help: Lambda Legal, Transgender Legal Defense & Education Fund, the National Lawyers Guild, and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) are all good resources, but each may have a different focus.

• General Resources:  look up “[your state] transgender map” online for a list of resources in your area

• Support Groups: if there’s an LGBT Center in your area, they may offer support groups. If not, you may be able to find support groups online.

• Hotlines:

Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860

https://translifeline.org/ 

This organization will NEVER call the police and does not engage in non-consensual rescue. Their website offers a wealth of resources.

Blackline: 1-800-604-5841

https://www.callblackline.com/# 

Organization for LGBTQ+ people of color seeking counseling, prison advocacy, or to report police brutality. This organization will NEVER call the police.

StrongHearts Native Helpline:                 1-844-762-8483

https://strongheartshelpline.org 

***StrongHearts Native Helpline is a mandated reporter. However, as an anonymous and confidential helpline, StrongHearts advocates do not request or record the contact’s identification and/or address. Disclosure of personal identification and location could compromise the safety of all victim-survivors of domestic and sexual violence.***

LGBT National Hotline: 888-843-4564 https://www.lgbthotline.org/national-hotline 

***This organization will NOT call the police or other services on your behalf; however, they may contact authorities “if you make a credible threat to someone else.”***

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 or visit https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/ 

This organization is geared toward LGBTQ+ youth. ***They may contact police or other services in specific cases of abuse or imminent danger.***

Remember the power of community. We keep us safe.