EXT - NEW YORK SKYSCRAPERS

Scene shows Spider-Man swinging by a building, and then stops the camera at the building’s windows which are frosted. Suddenly, blood splatters against the inside of the windows.

INT - HIGH RISE SUITE

DEADPOOL

You know fellas, I actually feel a bit sorry for you. I mean who knew Marvel would let me be this violent, am I right? The worst thing on Daredevil was some sideboob, but you guys, ho ho hoooo boy. There’s not enough left of most of you for Rocky to use in a training montage.

HENCHMAN

We….we told you what you wanted to know.

DEADPOOL

Yeah, I know, but it took you a while to tell me. Now you’re being taught a lesson. [Deadpool raises up his sword] So what should I cut up next?

A line of webbing grabs Deadpool’s swords and pulls them away, with another line of webbing then wrapping his hands.

SPIDER-MAN

How about we cut up no one next?

DEADPOOL

There she is! Phew, am I glad to see you. [break as Deadpool runs up to awkwardly shake Spider-Man’s man while his own are webbed up] Simone, I am so excited you showed up when you did. Huge fan by the way. I loved your performance in the Olympics.

SPIDER-MAN

Simone?

DEADPOOL

Yeah, I know you’re Simone Biles. It’s cool, don’t worry about it. Your secret identity is safe with me.

SPIDER-MAN

What makes you think I’m Simone Biles?

DEADPOOL

I told you, huge fan. I’d recognize that ass in tights anywhere.

SPIDER-MAN

Oh. [break as Spider-Man turns his torso to try and look at his butt] You know I’m called Spider-Man, right?

DEADPOOL

Oh yeah, great cover by the way. No one would suspect. Now, onto business!

SPIDER-MAN

Um, well actually I-

DEADPOOL

I’ve been hoping you would show up because I need your help. You see, there’s a crazy assassin here in New York on a job, and I need to stop said assassin from carrying out a mission. Luckily, I know who the target is! So, you, me, superhero team-up. What do you say?

SPIDER-MAN

You’re a superhero? ….And you want us to team-up?

DEADPOOL

Of course! We’ll make a great team.

SPIDER-MAN

I hear there are some other heroes over by Hell’s Kitchen. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather-

DEADPOOL

Noooo!! Those guys? Way too violent for my taste.

Spider-Man tilts to look past Deadpool at the dead bodies on the floor.

SPIDER-MAN

You think they’re too violent? I definitely want to help stop an assassin from going after someone, but from the look of things-

DEADPOOL

Absolutely! Besides, Netflix wouldn’t let them appear off their service. You got the right stuff. So find the courage inside of you. We’re the best, and together, we’ll find our destiny.

SPIDER-MAN

….Isn’t that the theme song from-

DEADPOOL

Yeah I know. Digimon. Great show. Oh, can you cut me free now? Things are about to get messy.

SPIDER-MAN

Messy?

A bunch of men bust into the suite with guns and start shooting at Deadpool and Spider-Man. Both work to disarm the shooters while bantering.

SPIDER-MAN

Who are these guys?

DEADPOOL

Oh no one; just the bodyguards for the assassin’s target.

SPIDER-MAN

If we’re trying to stop this person from being killed, then why are his people shooting at us?

DEADPOOL

Weird misunderstanding. They seem to think I’m the assassin. Can you cut these off me now? Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun kicking and headbutting these guys, but swords would be a lot faster.

SPIDER-MAN

Um…. [breaks to have Spider-Man look at the dead enemies] Only if you promise not to kill.

DEADPOOL

What?! Seriously? They’re trying to kill us!

SPIDER-MAN

You said you’re a superhero. Well superheroes don’t kill.

DEADPOOL

Ugh, oooooooh fine! I knew they should have gotten Zack Snyder to direct this thing. Here! [Deadpool extends his arms to Spider-Man] Cut me loose.

Spider-Man swings over and cuts the webbing from Deadpool’s hands, leaving his swords. They both finish off taking down the shooters.

DEADPOOL

Alright! Yeah!

Deadpool raises his hands making a numeric gesture.

SPIDER-MAN

What are you doing?

DEADPOOL

Scoring your performance. With moves like that, you intentionally earned that one Bronze medal so the world wouldn’t recognize you, am I right?

SPIDER-MAN

Um….

DEADPOOL

It’s cool. Come on, there’s a wedding at the top and we need to save the bride!

SPIDER-MAN

Uhhh, okay.

Deadpool runs toward the suite entrance and through the halls of the hotel before getting in the elevator.

INT - HOTEL ELEVATOR

SPIDER-MAN

You know, I could web us up the staircase or something. You said it’s at the top right? The penthouse? Wouldn’t it be faster if I got us there?

DEADPOOL

Movie watchers need breaks between action moments. Otherwise it gets too much for them. Also, bonding time.

SPIDER-MAN

Bonding time? Between us?

DEADPOOL

You betcha. People have been waiting for this since my movie was so good. By the way, do you like chimichangas? That’s not racist to ask, right?

SPIDER-MAN

Yeah, I like chimichangas.

DEADPOOL

Oh good. We should go get some together after this is over. I here they opened up a great place after closing downs some shawarma restaurant.

SPIDER-MAN

Really? The one on Pico? That’s sad. I heard it got some good publicity a while back.

DEADPOOL

Good publicity? Did you watch the post-credits scene? No one looked happy to be there.

SPIDER-MAN

Uhhhh, yeah. By the way, why would it have been racist to ask about chimichangas? Simone Biles is black.

DEADPOOL

Oh, so black people can’t like chimichangas because you’re not Hispanic? Wow, you’re racist.

SPIDER-MAN

What?! Hey, that’s not-

DEADPOOL

[elevator dings they’ve reached the top.] Let’s do this.

INT - PENTHOUSE BALLROOM

Both enter the penthouse ballroom to see a large wedding party with two people dancing on the dance floor and everyone else surrounding them. One of them is clearly the bride from the dress.

DEADPOOL

Awwwww, it’s the father-daughter dance. So sweet isn’t it?

SPIDER-MAN

Yeah. It’s a pretty big party

DEADPOOL

….Okay, time to kill the dad.

Deadpool pulls out a gun and takes aim, but Spider-Man grabs the hand and lowers it.

SPIDER-MAN

Hey! You agreed to no killing.

DEADPOOL

I agreed to not kill those guys back there. The Hit-Monkey is after the father of the bride, so I’m going to take his contract from him.

SPIDER-MAN

So you’re also a hit-man? You’re not trying to be a superhero; you just want to take this guy’s kill?

DEADPOOL

Well yeah, obviously. He took one of mine awhile back, so now I’m getting payback and taking one of his.

SPIDER-MAN

Wait a minute, did you just say “Hit-Monkey”?

A loud monkey screeching sound echoes through the room and people start to panic.

DEADPOOL

He’s here. [pause cut to show the Hit-Monkey running through the crowd and toward the dance floor] Oh no you don’t!

Spider-Man shoots webbing to grab the bride and her father, pulling them towards him. He then ushers them off to get away as the monkey fires missed shots at the now empty floor. Cuts back to Deadpool charging at Hit-Monkey.

DEADPOOL

Come here you!

Deadpool and Hit-Monkey fight while Spider-Man helps people get to the staircases and escape.

SPIDER-MAN

Alright you two, that’s enough!

Spider-Man webs the Hit-Monkey’s guns, and flings them out the penthouse window toward the outside balcony garden.

SPIDER-MAN

Wait, are you a monkey?

Hit-Monkey jabs Spider-Man in the throat and then kicks him out the window into the garden.

DEADPOOL

Hey! That’s my new buddy!

Deadpool then gets flipped over and also thrown out into the garden. Spider-Man is choking, trying to catch his breath while Deadpool runs over to check on him.

EXT - PENTHOUSE BALCONY GARDEN

DEADPOOL

Spidey! You alright there pal? Relax and breathe. Like a pregnancy, [takes fast inhales and exhales] relax and breathe, [takes fast inhales and exhales] relax and breathe.

SPIDER-MAN

I…. *coughs* I’ll be okay. *coughs* Just need to breathe. *coughs* [lifts up his mask to better breathe but looks away from Deadpool] *coughs*

DEADPOOL

Here let me see if I can help. [walks around and bends down to help] Whaaaaaaaat?! What the fuck is this?! You’re not Simone Biles!

SPIDER-MAN

*cough* I never said I was!

DEADPOOL

Yeah, but you didn’t deny it either. Why you little white-washing son of a bitch. It’s bad enough this universe turned the President from black to white, but this is a whole new low. They seriously cast a white guy three times in a row?

SPIDER-MAN

Hey, [pauses to put his mask back on] I didn’t lie about anything, Mr. (in Deadpool voice) “together we’ll find our destiny.”

DEADPOOL

What was that? Some kind of Ryan Reynolds impression? That’s not what I sound like.

SPIDER-MAN

Yes it.

DEADPOOL

No it’s not.

SPIDER-MAN

Yes, it is.

DEADPOOL

No it’s not.

SPIDER-MAN

Yes it, ugh! You never said we were trying to stop a monkey! You said it was a hit-man!

DEADPOOL

No I didn’t.

SPIDER-MAN

Yes you did!

DEADPOOL

If you go back a few pages in the script you’ll clearly see I said assassin. I never used the word “man.” By the way, the correct name is Hit-Monkey.

SPIDER-MAN

What the heck is a Hit-Monkey?

DEADPOOL

What the what? That is a Hit-Monkey. And who says “heck” anymore? He’s a rare Japanese Macaque. One day, a hit-man escaped death into the mountains. He took refuge with the monkey’s clan. As he got better, he started training again, and the monkey was watching the whole time. The monkey learned how to mimic all the assassin’s moves. And then he became Hit-Monkey.

SPIDER-MAN

….Seriously?

DEADPOOL

Oh yeah, that’s so much less believable than being bitten by a radioactive spider and then gaining its powers.

SPIDER-MAN

Wait, what? How do you know about that?

Bullets fly by and ricochet off the surroundings. Both have to stop arguing in order to take cover behind some stone planters.

DEADPOOL

Alright, he got the drop on us, but we can rebound. I’ll take him high, you take him low. Let’s cut that son of a bitch in two…. I love you, Pete.

SPIDER-MAN

Did you just quote the Heroes Season 3 finale?

DEADPOOL

Impossible. Heroes ended gloriously with a single season. Nathan Petrelli then grew an Inhuman porn-stache to join Agents of SHIELD.

SPIDER-MAN

What?

DEADPOOL

What? Here we go!

Both run out from cover, with Spider-Man crawling along the ground while Deadpool runs and swings his swords for distraction. It causes Hit-Monkey to waste bullets on Deadpool which only slow him down enough to keep cover for Spider-Man. As Hit-Monkey goes to reload, Spider-Man webs the magazines and tosses them aside.

DEADPOOL

Hah! Now you’re mine!

Hit-Monkey turns the guns and fights with them as hand-to-hand weapons.

DEADPOOL

Oh come on! Gun-kata? I should have seen this coming when they cast Christian Bale for the voiceover.

Spider-Man manages to web Hit-Monkey’s feet to the ground, allowing Deadpool to knock away the handguns.

DEADPOOL

So long you damn, dirty ape!

Spider-Man webs up both Deadpool and Hit-Monkey, leaving them immobile on the ground.

DEADPOOL

Oh, coooome ON! After all we’ve been through, this is how you end our superhero team-up?

SPIDER-MAN

You, stop talking. And you, so you’re Hit-Monkey?

Hit-Monkey nods.

SPIDER-MAN

So you can understand me. I can’t believe I have to ask this, but why are you trying to kill that guy?

Hit-Monkey turns and gestures to his side. Spider-Man walks over and pulls a small journal out from the monkey’s suit pocket. He then turns a few pages and goes through it.

SPIDER-MAN

Deadpool said you met a hit-man who showed you how to fight like this. Is this his log of jobs over the years? [pause to look over as Hit-Monkey nods] Wait a minute. [looks over at the sign for the wedding to see a name that matches someone on a page he’s on] So the person you were going after is another killer?

Hit-Monkey nods and then screeches.

DEADPOOL

You’re not really buying this are you? I mean come on. You expect me to believe he’s going after killers because his entire clan was knocked off?

SPIDER-MAN

Knocked off? You didn’t say anything about that.

DEADPOOL

Everyone knows about it.

SPIDER-MAN

I don’t know about it. Is that true? Are you going after these people because they’re responsible for your monkeys [Hit-Monkey screeches] er, clan, being killed?

Again, Hit-Monkey nods, seeming upset as he does.

SPIDER-MAN

Look, I know how easy it is to want revenge when your family is killed. I really do, but this isn’t the way. I know people in the police, and who write for the newspapers. If I turn over this journal, there’s enough evidence to put these criminals away for a long time. And not only that, it will give the police leads on how to stop anyone who’s not covered in here.

HIT-MONKEY

Humph.

SPIDER-MAN

Please. I don’t want to turn you in…. I think. I mean, what would they do? Put you in a zoo or something? I’m going out on a pretty big limb here.

HIT-MONKEY

Hrrr.

SPIDER-MAN

Hey, calm down. That wasn’t a monkey joke. Look, if you agree to just walk away, I’ll make sure this finds its way to the proper authorities, and you can go free back to….well, wherever. What do you say?

Hit-Monkey contemplates for a moment and then nods in agreement. Spider-Man walks over and frees him cautiously.

SPIDER-MAN

Okay, you’re free. Our deal still good?

Spider-Man extends a hand in friendship, and Hit-Monkey shakes it. Afterward, he leaves and leaps off the ledge of the balcony, disappearing. Spider-Man then walks over and frees Deadpool.

DEADPOOL

Well it’s about time. And I didn’t need to make some crazy deal to not kill anyone.

SPIDER-MAN

Well you don’t need to kill anyone now. You were only after that guy to get back at the Hit-Monkey, but since the Hit-Monkey’s not going after the target anymore, there’s no reason for you to kill him, right?

DEADPOOL

Huh, yeah I guess you’re right. No reason to waste my time if I don’t get anything out of it.

SPIDER-MAN

Yeah…. Um, well.

DEADPOOL

Thanks for the help by the way. I couldn’t have done it without you.

SPIDER-MAN

Really? Thanks. But um, you know there’s still those dead bodies downstairs?

DEADPOOL

Don’t sweat it. The Avengers kill people all the time. A few years ago there were dead alien bodies all over the streets. Watch the movies.

SPIDER-MAN

I guess you’re right.

DEADPOOL

Of course I’m right. *heavy breath and sigh* Anyway, I’ll be seeing you. Need to get out of here so the Daily Bugle can blame you for everything.

Deadpool also jumps off the side of the balcony.

SPIDER-MAN

What are you talking about? And where are you going after jumping off a balcony?!

Several photographers come through the penthouse ballroom snapping photos and yelling about the mess Spider-Man has made during the whole scene.

SPIDER-MAN

Seriously?!