Clapcast 19: Hot Grapey Revealed (March 2019)
Transcribed by DeadpanCakes#2630
AUSTIN: I'm actually gonna sit here. I'm gonna to eat some goldfish crackers. Some Goldfinch crackers.
JANINE: [Almost Simultaneously] Goldfinch crackers.
AUSTIN: Yeah
KEITH: Does that count as a cracker? I mean I'm not here to exclude a cracker from a cracker party.
AUSTIN: [Incredulous] What!?
JANINE: It does.
KEITH: I don't know, it seems like a bite. It doesn’t seem like a cracker.
JANINE: That doesn't make it— the thing you're saying makes no sense Keith, it's...
KEITH: I just think it's—
JANINE: No one calls anything bites. It’s not… A bagel bite is a completely— it's just not how it works.
AUSTIN: A bagel bite is not a cracker.
JANINE: No.
KEITH: I guess what I'm saying is, what makes a cracker a cracker, and why is a fish shaped puff a cracker?
JANINE: I mean a Cheez-It is basically the same things as a goldfish but less puffy and like slightly larger—
AUSTIN: Yeah, like a little saltier.
KEITH: Well that's the thing: also, it's a square and it's flat. But a Cheez— a Goldfish has dimension to it, it's shaped like a fish.
JANINE: Okay, Ritz crackers are round.
AUSTIN: Boom.
KEITH: No I'm not saying— But they're not fish shaped.
JANINE: Water crackers have puffy bits and are also round.
KEITH: All I'm saying is: what is a cracker? What—
AUSTIN: What constitutes a cracker?
KEITH: What makes a Goldfish the same thing as a Ritz cracker?
JANINE: I would say it probably has to have a grainy base, but is dense and unleavened, [AUSTIN: Mhm] so it's not like a bread.
KEITH: "A dry, thin, crispy baked bread product that may be leavened or unleavened."
[Brief Pause]
By the way, that's the fourth definition on Merriam-Webster.
[AUSTIN Laughs]
KEITH "1: bragger— a bragging liar; a boaster"
AUSTIN: [Incredulous] What!?
KEITH: [Cross] "2: something that makes a cracking or snapping noise, such as a firecracker"
"3—"
JANINE: [Cross] That doesn't seem like one.
AUSTIN: Yeah, that's higher? Wait, one is what?
KEITH: 1 is "a bragging liar: boaster"
AUSTIN: [Disbelieving] No.
KEITH: 2 is "something that makes a cracking or snapping noise such as a firecracker, or snapping the end of a whiplash;" 3 is "crackers plural: nutcracker” [Laughs]
AUSTIN: Mhm
KEITH: 4 is "a dry, thin, crispy baked bread product that may be leavened or unleavened;" 5 is "offensive— used as an insulting and contemptuous term for a poor, white, usually southern person;" 5B is "sometimes offensive: a native or resident of Florida or Georgia;" And then 6 is "the equipment in which cracking is—"
AUSTIN: Wait, is that explicitly Georg— what?
KEITH: It's used as—so it's broadly offensive for a poor white person— it's specifically offensive to poor white Georgians and Floridians
AUSTIN: Ohh I see like a florida— yeah. Hmm.
KEITH: I'll put as many quotes around "offensive" as I can.
AUSTIN: Mhm.
KEITH: 6 is "equipment in which the cracking of petroleum is carried out;" 7 is "a hacker," and then it refers to as sense four, which is "a person who illegally gains access to and sometimes tampers with information."
AUSTIN: Like a safe cracker.
KEITH: [Affirming ] Like a safe cracker. Or a computer hacker.
AUSTIN: A cra— Yeah, that's what “computer hack—”
KEITH: A com— It’s a computer—
AUSTIN: …a cracker [KEITH: a cracker] is a computer cracker.
KEITH: Right.
AUSTIN: Right.
KEITH: Exactly: a hacker is a computer cracker.
AUSTIN: You put 2 C's together and you get an H-shape, y’know?
KEITH: Yeah, yeah. Willing to admit uh— I'm willing to give goldfish cracker, it just caught me off guard, I wasn't expecting it.
AUSTIN: They say it on the bag so…
KEITH: Yeah it's, you know—
AUSTIN: Mmm, they say a lot of things though. They do say “we are bakers and we are parents too” and I don’t think that’s true for everyone there.
KEITH: Yeah, they're using "we" as in: the company is a parent of the employees, in that they're allowed to tell them what to do and when to do it.
AUSTIN: I see, yeah.
KEITH: A dad is just a company you live with.
AUSTIN: Is that why your site is fuckdads.com? Ohh.
KEITH: Yea— [Laughs]
[Pause]
KEITH: I got an incredibly crinkly bag snack, but had the forethought to put it in a little bowl.
ALI: Mmmm. What's the snack?
KEITH: Potato chips with a French onion dip.
ALI: Oo!
KEITH: Yeah I heard uh, I heard in France that they were burning cars so I went out and was like, “I have to get something French.”
[ALI Laughs]
KEITH: And it's French onion dip from Lays [Laughs]
ALI: Well, they appreciate the support.
AUSTIN: Where are we at with chips? What’s everyone’s favorite choice?
KEITH: Um I like Ruffles, I know Ali likes Ruffles.
AUSTIN: Yeah Ali can ruffle.
ALI: Yeah. Ridge all day
KEITH: Yeah.
JANINE: I'm very particular in like— my taste per flavor [AUSTIN: Change what chip—?] are what are what let me favor a brand.
Like, I like a plain—
[Pause]
JANINE: There are some brands that I don’t want their ruffled version. Like a ruffled all-dressed chip for instance— my ideal ruffled all-dressed chip is the Ruffles all-dressed, but there are other brands— President's Choice does a ruffled all-dressed… and it's bad? And it's awful.
KEITH: Yeah there's definitely, like, when you’re getting into the flavors—
JANINE: Generally any PC ruffle is bad.
KEITH: When you get into the flavors somet— yeah I'll prefer a different type of chip. [ALI: Yeah.] Like, I think my favorite flavor of chip is either sour cream and onion or salt and vinegar, and I both prefer those with a plain chip or maybe a kettle-popped chip.
AUSTIN: Mhm
KEITH: Although I have to say that my favorite chip used to be— cape cod chips had the robust russet chips. I dunno if anybody’s ever had those?
AUSTIN: [Intrigued] No.
KEITH: Do you guys have Cape Cod brand over there?
AUSTIN: We've talked about this.
ALI: Yeah, yeah.
KEITH: Robust russet was basically like just underburned, they're like browned. And they were super, super good and they stopped making them, but there's literally nothing in the entire world better than some robust russet chips and a uh, a roast beef sandwich with some mustard— oh boy.
JACK: I'm back
AUSTIN: Hello
JACK: The fire had basically gone out, so I was like, “time to put some kindling and logs on.”
KEITH: Oh I misunderstood, this was a fire that you wanted.
JACK: [Laughs] Yes.
AUSTIN: A good fire.
KEITH: I thought maybe that this was more of an emergency of a break.
JACK: No I think if something was on fire I'd have said something like "Fire. Help."
KEITH: Well you're [Laughing] very polite [JACK: [Laughs] I am, that's true.] So maybe you were just like "Can we please take a break?" [Laughs Away From Mic]
JACK: “Can we please take a quick break? My house is ablaze.” My house is not ablaze— a small portion of my house is blaze in a very concentrated area.
KEITH: Fireproof area.
JACK: Yeah, it's just made of stones.
ALI: Just, while we're still on it. If you're in the tri-state area: Wise ridged chips— 2 dollars a bag.
Can't do better [Laughs]
AUSTIN: Forget about it. Y'know what I'm saying?
ALI: [Laughing] You can't do better
AUSTIN: It’s great. That's some good stuff right there.
KEITH: Oh also, I just wanted to shout out genuine article corn tortilla chips as an excellent chip.
ALI and AUSTIN: [Impressed] Mmm.
KEITH: That half-corn, half-flour tortilla chip, or that all-flour tortilla chip: not a fan. But when you get a really nice corn tortilla chip, that is a good thing.
AUSTIN: That's that good stuff.
KEITH: Hard to find in a supermarket, like generally won't have a—
AUSTIN: Nah you gotta go local.
KEITH: Yeah, yeah.
AUSTIN: Yeah, I agree. Alright, are we good?
[Music Plays]
JANINE: I just wanna let Ali know this, 'cause I noticed that it's not showing up on my waveform, but it's definitely showing up on the little mic activity bar. Annie is snoring but she has her face pressed directly against a window, which is making it louder and squeakier than normal.
JACK: [Awed] Ohh.
[KEITH Laughs]
AUSTIN: [Sing-Songy] Annie
JANINE: It kinda sounds like somebody rubbing a wet finger across the glass.
KEITH: I heard that once! I only heard it once though
JANINE: Yeeeah so that might be—
AUSTIN: God that's very funny.
JANINE: Normally I'd kick her out, but she was sleeping so I was like, I'll let her be and she was like—
AUSTIN: That's so funny. [Sing-Songy] Baby.
JANINE: Just so you know.
ALI: [Laughing] Thank you for that, so much.
JANINE: She turned her head, so she might actually be awake now. I might've actually said enough stuff that I roused her from her sleep [Laughs]
KEITH: [Laughs] She started feeling self-conscious
JANINE: [Laughs] Yeah
AUSTIN (As Annie): Let me snore in peace!
[Music Plays]
JANINE: This is a bad headline. I just— So, I'm looking at my iPad because I plugged my Apple Pencil in. And its showing me, "Here's the news headlines" and stuff, and one of these just— it just says nothing but this— and it's a picture of a star or something. It's a picture of a light in the sky and a bunch of stars, so it could be literally anything, [AUSTIN: [Wary] Hmm...] and the headline is: "It Should Be Visible to the Naked Eye Through Late December."
AUSTIN: [Chuckles] Weird.
JANINE: What!? [Pause] What, CBC? It could be anything. [Rhetorically] A planet? An asteroid? A comet?
AUSTIN: Like yeah. Who can say? "It".
JANINE: [Continuing] A satellite that's just reflecting the sun weird? Some sort of sun ghost that's reflected off the ice particles and whatever— it could be fucking anything. I'm not clicking. I'm not falling for it, I'm not gonna click that.
ALI: Wait, what are we clicking? Sorry, I walked away.
JANINE: It's just a headline. CBC is giving me this headline on this iPad thing, and it's like "It Should Be Visible to the Naked Eye Through Late December," but it doesn't say what "it" is. [ALI: Oh.] It's a picture of a star or some shit. Lots of shit up there is visible to the naked eye right now.
ALI: Ohh [Laughs] I wonder if there's a way to find out what that is.
JANINE: Yeah, I could just google "things visible to the naked eye through late December."
ALI: “The year's biggest comet streaks by earth this weekend. Look towards the east with a small pair of binoculars or a telescope to see the green, fuzzy comet...”
JANINE: No fuck you! You said "naked eye." [ALI and AUSTIN Laugh] Now you're trying to upsell me. It's bullshit. Scam!
AUSTIN: Quit trying to put clothes on my eyes, I don't like it.
ALI: Now I need small pair of binoculars?
[Pause]
ALI: Oh, "Comet potentially visible to the naked eye." [Laughs]
JACK: Hey.
AUSTIN: Hi, hello.
JANINE: Man, keep moving that goalpost.
ALI: [Laughs] Everyone has a different opinion— Hi!
JACK: Hello!
AUSTIN: How's it going? Everyone's here.
JACK: I'm good, I'm good. I've put enough wood on the fire. It's so cold. [ALI: [Sympathetically] Aww.] It's not that cold outside, it's still what, like... [Typing While Speaking] "4C in F…" It's like 39, so it's not super cold. But I live in an old house, with thick walls, and when it gets cold the house drops in temperature. [Grumbling] I just fucking hate winter.
JANINE: I want muffs to come back in style.
JACK: I was just thinking about this! I was just thinking about this.
JANINE: Yeah no, hand muffs.
ALI: Oh.
JACK: Like, I don't want to wear gloves, but I'd want a nice, warm thing.
JANINE: If you think about it, muffs are like, perfect for the touch screen generation, because touch screen gloves can be expensive and are not very cute. And if you just have, like a warm tube hanging from your neck by some sort of nice chord, and then you just tuck your hands in— and you can tuck your phone in there too when you're not checking it— and you can pull it out and look at it and put it back in.
ALI: Can I just say to everybody [Laughs]
AUSTIN: Yes. Please.
ALI: ...that I bought a pair of gloves that also came with a pair of hand warmers that go up to my knuckles, and it’s the best decision I've made in my life.
JACK: Oh wow, they're like— Oh, well… Okay [Chuckles]
"Due to the new General Data Protection Regulation, we are currently unable to offer products and services to customers in Europe." [ALI: Oh wow [Laughs]] I just can't look at this website, apparently.
ALI: [Teasing] Too bad?
AUSTIN: Wow, Modcloth just can't show its stuff to Europe anymore?
KEITH: Is it 'cause they don't want to ask you if you're okay with cookies?
JACK: They don't want to do GDPI.
[Indistinct Crosstalk]
JACK: Like, a lot of— oh thanks for this. Oh! I've seen these.
[Everyone Laughs]
JACK: I'll go to you for all my Modcloth needs. Both purchases... and also just asking what there is there [Laughing] since I can't check out— Like, the LA Weekly I can't access. Very occasionally while browsing the internet in Europe, you'll click a site and the web will go, "Eh, no."
AUSTIN: [Sympathetically] Aw man…
I like these, there are cute. I like that they're called convertible gloves. [ALI Laughs] Very luxurious.
KEITH: I can't wait until the future when Ali becomes rich being a Modcloth middleman
JACK: Or like a smuggler, yeah.
[Everyone Laughs]
JANINE: I don't like these cat gloves that are linked below because the cat tail is very weird.
ALI: Oh wait let me… [Typing]
JACK: Thanks Ali
JANINE: It's just very weird.
ALI: Oh this is horri— [Vigorous Laughter]
KEITH: Wait, where is it? Is it in related?
JANINE: Yeah, it's fuckin'…
AUSTIN: Oh is this the— I was very confused because I was looking at these gloves with the dog, and I was like, "this dog is fine."
ALI: [Fighting Laughter] It just— it doesn't look right. [Laughs]
JANINE: It's like, long and fat and then tied with a bow.
KEITH: Oh, “ailurophile-style cat gloves?”
AUSTIN: I don't love these. These aren't good. [KEITH: Oh yeah, these’re bad] Okay, but! The entire look.
JANINE: What does “ailurophile” mean?
KEITH: It looks very easy to rip off the tail
AUSTIN: Ew, don't say that.
KEITH: You know those lizards that can lose their tail and they can grow it back— but it’s a cat.
JANINE: Ailurophile means cat lover.
AUSTIN: I like the scarf. I don't love the scarf plus the gloves plus the hat. That's too much matchy-matchy.
JANINE: Yeah, it's very like...yeah.
AUSTIN: I like this fox.
JANINE: There's like a special— [Chuckles Then Sighs]
JACK: I wonder if I can pirate Modcloth..
JANINE: There's like, a thing that I struggle with, which is like… There is a line— and it's hard to find the line, but there is a line— between what's stylish now and what my teachers wore in the 90's, and they're similarly aligned between what's cute now, and what I wore in the 90's. Which was puppy dog sweaters. Like sweatshirts with puppies like… climbing a fence and whatever.
KEITH: Oh you mean like Big Dog?
AUSTIN: Yeah, Big Dog. Janine was way into Big Dog.
JANINE: I mean like, there is this—
KEITH: Janine was really into Big Dog in the 90's and now that's cool again
JANINE: No no no! There was— what was it called..? I don't know if it was a Canadian company, but there was like a—
AUSTIN: Gros Chien. [JANINE: What?] Is that how you say it in French? How do you say Big dog in French? Because I bet that's what it was called.
JANINE: Gros would mean "fat."
AUSTIN: [Cross] Love it! "Fat Dog," I love it.
JANINE: [Cross] Gros means "wide-big." Do you want like, tall-dog or fat-dog?
AUSTIN: I want a Fat Dog sweater
KEITH: I want both. All around.
JACK: Real— a little tip here. If you type in "Gros Chien" into google... You just get some great dogs.
AUSTIN: See? Immediately, you know what the first thing is? That's Kodiak right there.
JACK: Yeah Kodiak shows up.
AUSTIN: Right here. I'll just put this right in the chat. One second. It's two Kodiaks, which I didn't think we could get two of: right there.
JACK: Okay. So—
[ALI Laughs Excitedly]
AUSTIN: You wanna describe this picture for me, someone? Jack it sounded like you were about to.
JACK: Okay so what we've [Laughing] got going here is a woman wearing a sort of a trench coat, gloves, boots. In some sort of non-specific outdoors situation—
AUSTIN: It's snowy, there is some specificity [Chuckles].
JACK: Okay, it is snowy.
JANINE: There's a fence.
JACK: There's just a fence. She is flanked on two sides by like, easily 7 or 8 foot tall Newfoundland dogs. Except these dogs seem like they have been kinda flipped in photoshop and edited very slightly.
JANINE: But they haven't, 'cause their paws are different
JACK: Yeah, and [AUSTIN: They're twins] the one on the left— Oh, they're twins!! The biggest dogs in the world are twins.
KEITH: Oh, I think it might be lightly edited.
AUSTIN: No, they're twins.
JANINE: Yeah, the chest looks edited.
JACK: I should just—
AUSTIN: Nope. Edited by good work— by hard work those pups have gone through—
JANINE: As somebody who has just done some editing—
AUSTIN: Nope.
[ALI and JACK Laugh]
JANINE: [Continuing] …for some things that we're not gonna talk about yet.
JACK: We're still in Clapacast zone.
JANINE: Yeah that's true. Okay, just one second though, is this like, a thing? 'Cause do you remember when we were looking a Kodiak's breed? There was a picture of a giant version with lady in a bikini.
AUSTIN: I think this is the same lady.
JANINE: Is this is a thing some people are into, which is they size up giant dogs or size down tiny ladies?
KEITH: Oh yeah, this is a clickbait thing where like, "This Guy Found a Tiny Puppy. You Won't Believe Its Size Now!" And then they'll show you the size of the thing.
[ALI Laughs]
AUSTIN: What's the breed called again?
JACK: Newfoundland. Like, "new found land."
JANINE: I'm looking for the Tibetan mastiff bikini lady.
JACK: When I googled "gros chien," it loaded up the google search page for gros chien, which is French for— I believe— Newfoundland possibly? It's some kind of French dog translated. And then it google translated the entire page which means that I was given this beautiful google suggestions window that I am going to share with you now.
AUSTIN: Is it not the image that Keith just linked? Which is an image that says "Lord of the Big Dogs" and it is uh, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas, but they're all dogs.
JACK: They're all dogs? [Thoughtful] Ah, they are.
KEITH: I have something to say about big dogs when we're done with the real dogs
AUSTIN: I can't find this bikini lady, and it's upsetting.
JANINE: Me neither! It's really weird because I feel like it was at the top of the results once.
AUSTIN: Was it for "Tibetan mastiff?" What was it for?
JACK: I thought it was for “Tibetan mastiff.”
JANINE: [Commiseratingly] I thought it was for “Tibetan mastiff.”
KEITH: People are just not into photoshopped dogs like they used to be
AUSTIN: Yeah the more times change y'know? Like, 2018: makes you feel younger every day.
JACK: It's all photoshopped cats now.
JANINE: Oh! I googled— okay that's just a bikini. There's just a bikini in these results. It says "Better Together" and has the lower half of two flamingos on it, which is a really [Trails Off Into Laughter] What is— [Typing] I just wanted to show that because I'm not describing it wrong.
[ALI Laughs]
JACK: Oh. Hey, what happened to—
AUSTIN: Uh-huh? What happened to what?
JACK: What happened to both those flamingos' heads and also the letter T in the word "together"?
AUSTIN: Gone. Just gone.
KEITH: It's implied. It’s just implied.
JANINE: "Better Ogther"
JACK: "Better Ogether:" Me and [Laughing] these headless flamingos.
AUSTIN: I've done a search for Kodiak and I can't seem to find the picture.
KEITH: I— [Laughs] Jack linked the results for if you search for "Big Dog,"
[ALI and JACK Laugh]
AUSTIN: Yeah?
KEITH: And I like that people also searched for "dogs" with other adjectives: French Dog, Little Dog, Best Dog, White Dog, and Happy Dog. It's like the people that are searching for "dog" are searching for “dog” in a bunch of different specific ways.
JACK: Yeah, I wonder what happens if I click view "5+ more." It says…"French Dog, Little Dog, Best dog, White Dog, Happy Dog, Sad Dog, Mad Dog, Funny Dog—"]
AUSTIN: More.
JACK: [Continuing] "...Sick Dog, Nice Dog, Hot Dog and—" [Laughs]
KEITH: Oh hold on, sorry. We just wrote ourselves a children's book!
[ALI and JACK Laugh]
AUSTIN: Uh-huh, does anyone wanna make a bunch of money?
KEITH: Yeah [Laughs] Can anyone illustrate that? Just 10 pages.
JACK: [Laughing] Janine has gone off on a side-quest—
JANINE: I have a better one, don’t even acknowledge the one that I just posted, look at this one instead.
[ALI, JACK, and KEITH Laugh]
JACK: Oh Jesus! [Laughing] Janine's side-quest is headless swimwear.
KEITH: That's the bathing suit version of the algorithm mugs on Amazon.
AUSTIN: Oh yeah!
JACK: Oh so good. Has its head been cropped? That dog's head is way flatter than—
AUSTIN: Oh yeah, oh absolutely.
JANINE: No that's just how those dogs look like.
JACK: That's just how they do that's all right, yeah.
AUSTIN: Right, but it has been cropped— or not cropped but it has been extracted from its original background, that it completely deforms the shape of this poor dog.
JACK: Yeah.
KEITH: There could be a little bit of head missing
JACK: What site is this Janine?
JANINE: This is just google spitting this out for me from a bunch of different sites
[Typing]
JANINE: [Cross] I'm going to look up “Japanese chin dogs” and point to you, to show you that this is how their heads just look. It's just what their heads are.
AUSTIN: [Cross] I found— I keep finding some of these images. I found this one but this isn't the one.
JANINE: Because breeding is bad
JACK: Oh that poor dog
AUSTIN: Why do i feel like we have this image somewhere?
ALI: Oh I tweeted it once, so it’s somewhere.
JACK: It's a big fucking dog. [Pause] I've seen some pretty big dogs.
KEITH: What are those dogs? Oh, I wish I could remember the name of them— that like. You know how they'll have a fake contest and they’ll have a dog that says oh this dog wins ugliest dog every year? What are those?
JANINE: It's like a Mexican—
KEITH: Chinese crested!
JANINE: Oh Chinese crested?
KEITH: Chinese crested dog?
JANINE: Maybe? There's also the one that looks like a little werewolf.
JACK: Oh, I've found him— not the one you're looking for, don't get your hopes up. [Pause] He's perfect.
AUSTIN: Aww that's a good dog. [Under His Breath] All right, I did a search—
JANINE: [Laughs] [Pause] That dog is like the leader of a community right?
KEITH: So I—
[JACK and KEITH laugh]
AUSTIN: He's been elected. He is an elected official.
JANINE: Yeah.
KEITH: I'd vote for that dog
JANINE: [Sounding Out the Word] Zolo...squintly... (Xoloitzcuintli) I think is the one I was talking about. I don't know how to say that word, I'm very sorry.
ALI: I got it.
JANINE: It's also called the Mexican hairless.
AUSTIN: Yeah? Did you scroll through— oh that's not a great dog.
JACK: [Laughs] Yeah, I'll put a good dog in to help balance this.
AUSTIN: Oh you found it! Thank you, thank god. That dog is too much. I wanna know if this is the same dog.
JANINE: Yay!
KEITH: It is kind of a bummer that there is no dogs that are that dog. Right? That's a bummer.
[ALI laughs]
JACK: Yeah, I mean—
KEITH: It would be great if there were dogs like that! The thing that the earth is missing is enormous mammals just like, everywhere.
AUSTIN: Just, as many places.
JANINE: Do they still do smaller poops or do they do scaled up poops? Because I don't want to deal with that.
KEITH: It's gotta be scaled up right? It's horse-sized, right?
JACK: Well, we're not gonna keep them— they'd be outside
JANINE: If I wanted that, why wouldn't I just get a really friendly cow?
JACK: Oh possibly, but— [Sighing] Yeah…
AUSTIN: Someone has flipped that same dog picture [ALI Laughs Excitedly] and just put a different person on it.
JANINE: Everyone's very taken with that dog.
JACK: Oh, that's wonderful. Oh hey Austin.
AUSTIN: Yeah. [Coy] Uh-huh?
JACK: That first picture that you posted that kinda split-screen image?
AUSTIN: Oh it's great.
JACK: There's a kinda visual discrepancy going on here.
JANINE: You really lose the guy's body, don't you?
AUSTIN: It's just gone. On the second image?
JANINE: He's just a head on a dog
AUSTIN: He's just a loose head on a dog, and he's— that's real size. He's just kneeling.
ALI: I know! [Laughing]
AUSTIN: That's a perspective trick, that's what's great about it. The one on the left, if you you've seen the image, quote— if you do a search on twitter for "if we had episode art, this episode's would be" from Friends at the Table, January 12, 2017— and there was a big picture of a Tibetan mastiff— I wanna suggest potentially-doctored [JACK Laughs] to be placed so that it seems like the Tibetan mastiff is as tall as this woman in the bikini who seems to be scritching its—
JACK: [Taken Aback] That dog hasn't been doctored.
AUSTIN: Well, the dog hasn't, the image— Well, you know what, I hope the dog has been.
JACK: The dog's been given a good series of treatments to make it big and happy.
AUSTIN: Yes, right. Just in general, good treatment. The photo I just linked is [Laughing] that same exact dog image flipped horizontally, and placed with a man with a big mustache, in jeans and a polo shirt scritching his—
JANINE: Loose jeans. Not like, proper baggy jeans, but they are quite loose.
AUSTIN: No but they're loose— at a construction site. You can see corrugated steel pipes in the background and it's blurry split-screened with a picture of—
KEITH: No that's the same setting. It's the same setting as the bikini.
AUSTIN: [Amazed] Is it?
ALI: Mhm.
JACK: Yeah, the bikini's at the construction site
KEITH: It is, it is.
AUSTIN: Oh wow, I didn't realize the bikini— the whole.
JANINE: Ohh.
KEITH: But it's flipped! The background is flipped
AUSTIN: Okay yeah, good catch.
KEITH: Oh! You know what that means? That dog is actually there!
AUSTIN: That dog is actually there!
KEITH: It's just the woman that's photoshopped then.
JACK: We've done the detective work "taps head three times."
AUSTIN: And then, the second picture, it goes blurry split-screen and comes back [JACK Laughs] and it's like... a big— what type of dog is this other dog?
JACK: A Tibetan mastiff right?
JANINE: I just want to say this picture is a lot like if you thought of the worst possible way that Ferro could fuck up a wholetaur.
AUSTIN: Ahhh, I hate it, I hate it [Laughs]
JACK: Oh, it's so good.
[AUSTIN and KEITH Laugh]
JACK: This is the adaptation of Washington Irving's Sleepy Hollow that we all deserve.
[AUSTIN and JANINE Laugh]
KEITH: It looks like the original Toy Story— like, something that the bully next door did to some of the toys
[AUSTIN and JANINE Laugh]
AUSTIN: Yeah, It's just a guy's head floating on top of a dog, with a red sedan in the background. You can see one of the guy's leg because he's squatting, but if you can erase that, this picture— I'll just cover it up with my hand for a second— Oh, perfect! Love it.
JACK: Both of these images has such a powerful and unique energy, it's great.
AUSTIN: It's upsetting to me that the bikini picture with the giant dog is not world-famous.
[ALI Laughs] [Pause]
AUSTIN: You know what I mean?
KEITH: [Laughs] Why do you want it to be world— what do you think it's famous for?
AUSTIN: Just think—
JACK: What's the caption on this painting, Austin?
AUSTIN: Wait, which painting? What?
JACK: Oh, I mean the dog bikini [Laughs] oh is it some—
KEITH: Best ever fake picture?
AUSTIN: I don't know. I just feel like it's should be an image that's famous on the internet— that I can't just say "dog bikini picture" and people will know.
JANINE: To be honest with you, that's how I feel about the Cat Goblin, and even that had its moments still, y'know? But when you reference it now, no one knows what you're talking about. Like when I show it to people, it's the first time they've ever seen it.
KEITH: Yeah, you tweeted it to me recently and it was the first time I’d ever seen it.
JANINE: I have it saved on my picture folder and there’s only a handful of items in my pictures folder, I mostly don’t use that folder— but I have it saved there.
AUSTIN: I'm gonna just— in case people don't know, I'm gonna link the image here [Laughs]
KEITH: For Cat Goblin? It's really good. [Laughs]
JACK: Oh Cat Goblin is great.
AUSTIN: You know what makes the cat goblin, is the tail wrapping around its back right paw.
JANINE: Yeah.
JACK: Yeah.
[KEITH’s Laughter Trails Off]
KEITH: It just seems like such an intentional—
AUSTIN: Yeah exactly.
KEITH: It seems like it's giving off an intentional energy about those coins, it really does.
JANINE: It also— the backdrop looks like some sort of viking lodge or something?
JACK: [Laughing] It’s so good.
AUSTIN: Yeah!
JANINE: Yeah. Yeah, it's mysterious. It's a really mysterious picture for me [ALI Laughs]
JACK: Cat goblin would be a significantly less good picture if it was front on. If it was looking at it front on, but instead [JANINE: Yeah] this cat is looking down and to the side of the picture. [AUSTIN: Mm, you’re right.]
KEITH: Yeah.
JANINE: Because we, the viewer, are not the threat. [Cross] There is a threat yet unseen to us.
JACK: [Cross] No no, there's a threat. We may become the threat, but there is a more significant— what is the treasure the goblin's treasure is stored in? [Cross] Is it like a strange glass bowl that’s been tipped on its side?
JANINE: [Cross] It looks like Jester's Arcade tokens or something. [JACK Laughs]
AUSTIN: That is definitely— there are definitely arcade tokens—
KEITH: I think it's inside a sandwich bag, right?
AUSTIN: No that's glass. That is definitely glass.
ALI: Yeah there's like, crystal.
JANINE: [Laughing] It’s glass! It's like an etched crystal like—
AUSTIN: It's like, your grandma has that thing on her shelf.
JANINE: It's like a candy bowl.
KEITH: Oh you're right! When I zoomed in on it, I can see the carving but..
AUSTIN: I love it.
KEITH: Yeah, I just thought 'who keeps like, a plastic bag—" [Laughs]
AUSTIN: I want to know the context so badly.
KEITH: Well, the cat wants that gold and someone is trying hard to take it.
AUSTIN: That is great context, thank you so much.
[KEITH Laughs Hard]
JACK: No, I think the cat owns the gold. The cat owns the gold.
AUSTIN: Did he earn it?
JANINE: He's been saving up for one of those sticky hand things [JACK Laughs]
KEITH: No I think— I think that the cat is a cutpurse.
JACK: I think that— [Laughs]
[JANINE Laughs]
JANINE: What an amazing phrase.
[JACK Laughs]
JANINE: "I think the cat is a cutpurse."
JACK: I think the cat is [Laughs] does the cat own these blinis? Or instead, is the cat desirous of the blinis?
[JANINE and KEITH Laugh]
AUSTIN: [Quietly] Damn.
KEITH: I think it's both. I think the more he owns, the more he desires.
JACK: Yeah, Blini Cat, is there an image of— Yeah here we go. Here he is.
AUSTIN: Ah, that's a good one too.
KEITH: Oh, this is good. Yeah, yeah.
AUSTIN: Yeah, I forgot about this one
JANINE: Yeah.
ALI: Yes
JACK: His little flat mouth.
[ALI Laughs]
AUSTIN: Uh-huh.
[JANINE Laughs]
KEITH: He does have such a little flat mouth on such a undetailed cat body.
[JACK and JANINE Laugh]
AUSTIN: That cat body has plenty of detail [Laughs]
JACK: [Cross] It's a 16-bit cat with a 32-bit mouth.
KEITH: [Cross] No, if you took away the— You can't tell there's a depth to the face from the angle
AUSTIN: Got a good beard goin’, y'know?
KEITH: And then like, the entire front portion of the cat doesn't have any markings, so it's all one color.
JANINE: Is that yogurt next to— does the cat want the yogurt?
JACK: I think it's crème fresh.
AUSTIN: Cat would want that, right?
KEITH: I think it could be powdered sugar.
JACK: This cat— [Awed] Wow, this cat is extant?
AUSTIN: [Confused] What?
JANINE: Yeah.
ALI: Oh yeah.
JACK: Outside of the internet.
AUSTIN: Cats exist.
JANINE: Cat No Banana's like a grown up cat with a family now.
JACK: Wow.
JANINE: It’s the internet.
JACK: What about that cat that's threatened to be stabbed, but the cat is not bothered?
AUSTIN: Don't show me that one.
JANINE: I don't like it when you call it that. Just call it Knife Cat, it's fine. Don't call it "The Cat That Is Threatened to be Stabbed"
[JACK Laughs]
KEITH: But it's not bothered!
AUSTIN: I don’t like it like it anyway. Don't point—
KEITH: Have you seen it?
AUSTIN: Yeah. Don't point a knife at a cat
JANINE: My thing is, I think Knife Cat was photoshopped.
JACK: [Thoughtful] Hmm. It's a great expression the cat makes
JANINE: I'm like 90% certain.
AUSTIN: I have a thing. My thing is: don't point a knife at a cat. I love cats.
JACK: [Laughs] It is photoshopped Austin. I just want to tell you, so your heart can be still.
AUSTIN: [Relieved] Okay. Thank you.
JACK: It says "'Knife Cat' refers to an edit of Smug Cat's face photoshopped onto a picture of a cat— ” well…
JANINE: Uhhh...
AUSTIN: No!
JANINE: Wait, what!? [Laughs]
JACK: Actually Austin, I'm sorry. It's been photoshopped [JANINE: That’s worse!] onto a previously-threatened cat [Laughs]
AUSTIN: [Laughing] I see this
KEITH: Sorry, I need everyone to know, this is an emergency warning: If you aren't sure which cat is Knife Cat and you google it, there are not…there’s... you know—
AUSTIN: Yeah, there's bad shit in there.
KEITH: Some of the top results are bad shit when you google “Knife Cat.”
AUSTIN: Don't look.
JACK: If you're going to look at it, look at the good one and know you are being tricked.
JANINE: I found a dog that looks like a baby mule deer.
JACK: Yeah, let's see that.
AUSTIN: Yeah, show me that.
JACK: Oh Austin, when you listened to us do the zoo Fiasco did you see the peccaries?
AUSTIN: I did, they were very good— with the backpacks? They’re extremely good. Oh, I like this dog, what dog is this? Or did you say this was a deer? [Laughs]
JACK: No, this is a dog.
JANINE: This is a dog that has a deer-like face. [AUSTIN: It does have a deer-like face!]
JACK: Oh, is this this the Mexican dog, right?
JANINE: It’s the zolo-quint-lay? (Xoloitzcuintli) [JACK: Zolo...zolo— ]
AUSTIN: I don't like the ears, but I like everything else.
KEITH: You don't like the ears? I think that they're back. I think that they're normally up more.
AUSTIN: I like the ears, I like the size of the ears, but you know what it is? [Pause] Seeing inside giant dog ears makes me feel like "Oh they're dirty" in a weird way [Laughs]. And it's like, I wanna clean those ears!.
JANINE: What!?
AUSTIN: And it's a weird Me-Brain-Thing.
JANINE: Okay, alright. You wanna see some—
AUSTIN: No, I don't wanna see dirty ears.
KEITH: [Teasing] Yeah, don't you wanna see dirty ears?
JANINE: No, it’s ears that are down! The ears are down!
AUSTIN: That’s fine too.
JANINE: The dog’s a hero and its ears are down—
KEITH: Who's this cop!?
AUSTIN: Yeah, why’d you send me a cop dog?
KEITH: Why're you sending a picture of cops?
AUSTIN: I don't wanna see cops.
JANINE: It's an earthquake rescue dog, okay?
AUSTIN: Aww, okay that one's allowed.
KEITH: Okay, that’s fine. That’s not a cop.
JACK: I've come back around on that dog.
AUSTIN: I like its little shoes.
[JANINE and KEITH Laugh]
JACK: How about these two?
KEITH: He does have nice sho— I bet he walks so funny.
JACK: I bet he does too, but he got good. This is a hairless one of Janine's deer-dogs. And a haired— no that's not the one… Fur—
AUSTIN: I like the haired one a little bit better.
JACK: Hair? How do you say it?
JANINE: Oh, I found one wearing jammies!
JACK: Coated! Oh! The jammies.
AUSTIN: Lemme see the jammies, then we should start this game, ‘cause we’ve burnt 30
JANINE: It's wearing a Harley Quinn onesie.
AUSTIN: And also the people listening [KEITH: Aww] will not be able to see any of the things we're talking about.
JACK: Aww
AUSTIN: Oh that's good.
KEITH: My cat has...my cat’s been sort of over-grooming, and scratching his neck and he's been getting a little scabby from it. And I couldn't figure how to get him to stop. The other day I cut a hole in a sock— [Jack and Janine Laugh] he's just wearing a big turtleneck.
JANINE: [Laughs] You put your cat in a dickie!
KEITH: I did. I gave my cat a dickie. He deserved it.
JACK: We gotta go back to muffs. We've wrapped back around again.
AUSTIN: We have, and now we should do a time dot is. Start this recording.
[JACK Laughs]
JANINE: Maybe.
AUSTIN: We should.
[Typing and Mumbling]
KEITH: There we go. There's my stupid cat.
JACK: Oh thank you for this picture.
[JANINE, JACK and KEITH Laugh]
AUSTIN: Good cat. It's a good cat
[Silence]
AUSTIN: 45?
JANINE: Yeah.
[Silence]
[Three Discrete Claps]
KEITH: Oh sorry, mine said… Mine hung on 42 for three seconds.
JANINE: 55?
[Pause]
AUSTIN: Yep.
[Tightly Scattered Claps]
KEITH: Great.
AUSTIN: Okay.
[33:15] [Music Plays]
KEITH: Oh it's okay, it's a card— It's a gacha game?
ALI: It's like a gacha-heroes game or whatever. It's like, they have the…They just had their new year's event which was like, you get this free hero if you do these quests, and then you get all these like ten ticket pulls or whatever. And then you— [Trails Off]
KEITH: Sounds dope [Laughs]
ALI: Yeah, I mean [Laughs] I’m gonna say this all out loud and then I’m gonna follow it up with more stuff, which is like— that's pretty cool that they’re giving you all this stuff for free. Like, a ten ticket pull is like $30— $35? So it's like, “I'll take that for free.”
KEITH: Yeah, sure. [ALI: And then right after—] That should be your sitcom catchphrase.
[ALI Laughs]
KEITH: "I'll take that for free!"
ALI: And then right after the new year's event, they were like, "we're upping the percentage of how often you get five-star people, we're just boosting all those percentages a week later.” So if you held on to some of that stuff, you'd have whatever. So that's why I jumped back in.
But I just don't understand mobile game mechanics enough to feel like I'm not being stolen from, or using resources in the wrong way [Laughs] which is—
KEITH: I don't know if there's a way to play those games and pay money where you're not being stolen from.
[ALI Laughs]
JANINE: This is my problem with Covet. Covet Fa— the fashion game that Jess really likes is like— compared to Love Nikki I entirely feel like they're stealing from me.
[Ali Laughs]
KEITH: That's the thing: it's easy to not have any interest in a gacha game and be like, “that's such a scam.” But the second that there's one that interests me, I would fall for it.
JANINE: Yeah.
KEITH: I am the exact kind of person that would pay like, 150 bucks over six months to play a dumb card pull game.
AUSTIN: I'd honestly love to.
JANINE: I like gacha— I was always a sucker for surprise bags. I'd watch— [Laughs] It's January, so in Japan there's the whole New Year Fukubukuro bag thing. And I love watching people get these big bags and open them and it's just stuff in them, and I consciously know the stuff that is in those bags is generally inventory that they wanna have cleared out— because that is pretty much always what's surprise bags are. It is "here is a bunch of stuff that, we could try and sell it, but we would rather have the shelf space for something else right now."
KEITH: Yeah, Loot Crate.
JANINE: The corner store across the street when I was a kid— I mean, it's still there, but when I was a kid— they did surprise bags. They had a little paper bag with a jack in the box on the front of it, and you would buy it for like 50 cents or something? And it was always full of the worst garbage-garbage shit candy. It was like circus peanuts— like loose circus peanuts because this was the early 90's [KEITH and ALI laugh] so they just had loose candies there.
AUSTIN: Gross.
KEITH: Hold on, are Circus Peanuts— those are those like those orange candy peanuts, right?
ALI: Are those marshmallows?
JANINE: Yeah they're like sweet, marshmallow-y, yeah—
AUSTIN: Question: Did you mean the early 1890's?
JANINE: No, it might've—
KEITH: Yeah, it came with Turkish Delights.
JANINE: Okay look, my dad eats Turkish Delights now. They're still a thing, they're just more of a Europe-thing. Right Jack?
ALI: Aren't those rose-flavored?
JACK: They are rose-flavored. Turkish Delights I associate with two places: Europe, and—
KEITH and JACK Simultaneously: Narnia
[JANINE Laughs]
KEITH: Okay sorry, I thought that your second place was a real place, so that’s why I said “Narnia.”
JANINE: Narnia is a real place!
JACK: Narnia is a real place and—
JANINE: Where Jesus lives!
JACK: [Laughing] Jesus lives there, yeah. Jesus lives there. And also Tilda Swinton.
KEITH: Furry Jesus.
JACK: Cat-Jesus, yeah. And Tilda Swinton and—
JANINE: Tilda Swinton’s from there.
JACK: She's from there.
KEITH: Originally.
JACK: It's actually a documentary [Laughs]
JANINE: That's why she's like, an alien angel.
[KEITH Laughs Hard]
JACK: Yeah, that wasn't her playing a role of the— what’s that character called? The Snow Queen? The White Witch?
JANINE: Big Janice?
JACK: What? Janice?
JANINE: [Laughin] I said “Big Janice.”
JACK: Janice the White Witch. Yeah no, she wasn't playing a role. That's just her. Also, that— I don’t know—
AUSTIN: Is that the cat? Is she the cat?
JACK: No, she’s the cat’s nemesis. She's the devil in that movie. Tilda Swinton— I wanna say that her crown in that movie is a real Friends at the Table-ass crown. She wears a very distinctive— [Typing] I’m gonna see if I can find it.
AUSTIN: Oh yeah, that's—
ALI: I’d believe that.
JACK: Like this, very high crown.
AUSTIN: It's just icicles. It’s just a bunch of icicles pointed directly up.
JACK: I think she also wears like a gold— a very gold one later. Which is very silly.
AUSTIN: This is— not this one here?
JACK: Oh that icicles one is fucking great.
AUSTIN: Oh she does. She also wears one—
JACK: These are some Twilight Mirage looks.
AUSTIN: The second one is like a She-Ra look.
JACK: Yeah.
ALI: Oh yeah.
AUSTIN: If you told me that that was that character from She-Ra, I'd be like, "Yeah, uh-huh."
[ALI Laughs]
JANINE: These are actually surprisingly bad outfits. Like they’re—
JACK: The ruff around her neck and stuff, yeah.
JANINE: These are outfits that exist to be CG'd over. That's what I don’t appreciate about it.
JACK: When was this movie made? [Typing]
JANINE: It was like forever ago.
JACK: 2005
ALI: Narnia was one of the first books that I read on my own. Which is why I'm like "This movie better be good!!"
JANINE: That's how I felt about the Golden Compass, and I don't think it really worked out.
JACK: Yeah no, they fucked it up, but now Netflix are having a go at fucking it up. Or maybe the BBC? I think the BBC are having a go at fucking it up.
JANINE: Everyone will take a go.
JACK: Everyone gets a go we'll get there eventually [Laughs]
JANINE: ESPN Presents: Narnia.
AUSTIN: [Laughs] Never read it. I know nothing about it, outside of like, cultural osmosis.
JACK: Narnia?
JANINE: It's one of those "Children Fighting a Fantasy War' thing right?
AUSTIN: Yeah, yeah.
JACK: Yeah but they were all dead. It was one of those "They were dead” twists.
JANINE: Wait the children were dead!?
JACK: Yes, the children were dead.
JANINE: Oh my god.
KEITH: Wait the children are dead!?
JACK: Yeah the children in Narnia are dead. [ALI: I thought that was just a—] They died in a train crash.
ALI: What!?
JANINE: Oh My God! It's not even like, diphtheria or something?
JACK: Nah.
ALI: I don’t understand why you were—
KEITH: Hold on, hold on—
AUSTIN: Would that be better?
JANINE: I don't know— It seemed like it could be like a Spanish Flu thing? Or like, you know. One of those—
JACK: No. Nonono. Lemme find this out—
KEITH: Well there are 12 of those books or something crazy like that so is it that you find out that they were dead like, near the end? 'Cause I don't remember finding out they were dead.
JANINE: Wouldn't it be amazing if actually, 90% of what happened to them actually happened. It's just the very last time they went into Narnia is the one they were actually dead for.
JACK: That might be right actually.
AUSTIN: That seems to be true.
[KEITH Laughs]
JACK: Let me read this, hang on.
AUSTIN: Okay, ‘cause I have a lot.
JACK: Also you're clipping for me Austin?
AUSTIN: That's good. Janine you're cutting out really bad, also.
JANINE: Oh.
KEITH: You're also clipping for me
AUSTIN: We should all be doing a quick—
ALI: Yeah, if everybody could look at their...
KEITH: My stuff is good.
JACK: So here is what it says: "They find they are in a [Chuckle] new 'real' version of Narnia." Real is in quotes, which I love. "They move up a waterfall to gates where they're greeted by Reepicheep—" he's like a rat I think. "…and meet other characters from earlier novels. They find they can see a real England, including the Pevensies' parents paralleling the real Narnia. Aslan tells them that the English friends of Narnia and the Pevensies parents [Fighting Laughter] have all died in a train crash. Susan who was not on the train, is the only surviving member of the family. The series ends with the revelation that it was only the beginning of the true story, 'which goes on for ever, and in which every chapter is better than the one before.'" Fucking good book!
JANINE: That's a fucking cop out— Oh my god!
KEITH: What a great— A great way to end a book series is saying "the book series actually goes on forever and they keep getting better and better."
JANINE: "They're so good"
[ALI and AUSTIN Laugh]
JACK: It's better than the J. K. Rowling approach—
JANINE: I was just gonna say!!
JACK: …where she tells us—
JANINE: I was gonna say that that's exactly how you JK Rowling in a world before twitter. "It just keeps going forever and it's all super good you guys. It's super good."
JACK: "It's all great, you guys."
AUSTIN: The sentence I have is different, which is— this is from The Last Battle— "after attending a dinner with the other Friends— " capital F— "Peter Edmund went to London to receive the magic rings that Patrick Digory Kirke—"
JACK: Fuckin’ Great.
[JANINE Laughs]
JACK: Jesus christ.
AUSTIN: "..buried in the Ketterley's yard, hoping to use them to get Eustace and Jill to Narnia. Both were waiting for Lucy, Eustace, Jill, Digory and Polly on a train platform when the train crashed and killed them all, [JACK Laughs] temporarily transporting Jill and Eustace to Narnia until the end of the world, upon which they make their way to the real Narnia, or Heaven, and are reunited with Peter, Edmund, Lucy, Digory and Polly."
[JACK Sighs]
AUSTIN: "Peter is described by Tirian as having the face of a king and a warrior. After Tirian passed the stable door and saw… [Sounding Out] Tash? Tawsh behind. Peter calmly ordered the demon to leave with his prey. After passing judgment on all inhabitants in Narnia, Aslan orders Peter to shut the door, ending the world. Peter is one of many others allowed to stay in Aslan's country, including the parents of Peter, Edmund and Lucy." Shoutouts to Peter.
KEITH: I'm glad they didn't miss the passing judgment stuff.
AUSTIN: No, they included that one.
KEITH: It's super important.
JANINE: If you ever want to know why some people are so infuriating about British tweeness, it's because if you put a bunch of names from famous fucking books— like famous "this is England in a book" books— into a generator, you could potentially generate the name Digory Digory.
[AUSTIN, JACK and KEITH Laugh]
AUSTIN: I just like the list of characters in the wikia on the table at the bottom. Aravis, Aslan, Mr and Mrs. Beaver, Bree, Caspian, Centaurs, Coriakin, Digory, Drinian, Edmund, Emeth, Eustace, The Cabby and Nelly, Hwin— that's H W I N. These are all great.
KEITH: Now, what kind of creatures are Mr. and Mrs. Beaver?
AUSTIN: Would you like to guess?
JANINE: Are they dogs?
KEITH: Nope [Laughs]
AUSTIN: Do you want me to tell you what it says next to "Race?"
JACK: Does it say "Beaver?"
KEITH: Yes!
AUSTIN: It says "Beaver."
JANINE: [Laughing] That's not what that word means.
JACK: I gotta say though, however, after the parade of fucking stupid names, Mr. and Mrs. Beaver comes like a breath of fresh air.
[KEITH Laughs]
JACK: Y'know, I'd be happy to name a couple of characters in Spring in Hieron Mr. and Mrs. Beaver if they were beavers.
JANINE: Is beaver spelt with an R at the end or is it like "V A H?"
AUSTIN: It's an R.
KEITH: It’s “B E A V R E” because it's british.
AUSTIN: “Mr. Beaver was spoofed in the 2007 feature film "Epic Movie" as Harry Beaver.”
JANINE: Ew. Why was Epic Movie spoofing Narnia?
JACK: Because Narnia came out in 2005.
JANINE: Ohh okay.
JACK: Fuckin' Epic Movie operates in the exactly 2-year timeline. Like the games industry!
JANINE: That's gonna be so confusing when those become like, the only movies that survive time, and people hafta figure it out what happened.
JACK: No!!
AUSTIN: That's terri— I posted the image. I posted the poster for Epic movie.
JACK: Hey remember when we were in that fuckin'— what was that place that we went? Austin and Ali, last time I was in NY on my last day, and we got like a huge amount of good food?
AUSTIN: Where was it?
JACK: Do you remember, it was like, we went on a walk.
ALI: Oh, it was, not Mom's but it was a place that was similarly like—
JACK: It was very kitschy.
AUSTIN: Oh Sugar— not Sugar Freak…Queens Comfort!
JACK: Queens Comfort! That place had one of the Scary Movies playing on one of the televisions behind you Austin, and Ali and I could see it, and it was fucking wild, 'cause it was— the thing they were showing previously was David Attenborough's Penguins or something. And so we just had all these shots of penguins and then a very, very bad scream parody or something? I don't even remember. It's like—
AUSTIN: Those movies are terrible. They're so bad.
JACK: It was like The Ring or something. Yeah…it was so bad.
KEITH: Which movie was that?
JACK: Scary Movie something. Scary Movie 3, Scary movie 10, I don't know.
KEITH: Oh yeah. Those are bad. Those— They're so bad that it's kind of interesting, even.
JACK: [Unconvinced] Hmmm.
ALI: Maybe just the first one. I don't think they need to make four or five of those things.
AUSTIN: No.
KEITH: Well, was the first one that bad? I haven't seen the first one. Was it as bad as the rest? It's presumably the strongest, right?
ALI: I would say the first and second had some ideas that keep getting worse as they made more. [Laughs]
KEITH: So, I definitely saw the second one. The second one is the one that has Chris uh— The guy from Get a Life.
AUSTIN: Uh, I don't know what that is.
[ALI Laughs]
ALI: Anyway…
[JACK Laughs]
KEITH: Um…Chris…God… [Pause] Let's do this for an hour—
ALI: No [Laughs]
KEITH: Chris Elliott!! Everyone knows Chris Elliott!
JACK: Chris God, he's in Narnia.
[JANINE Laughs]
JACK: Should we do time dot is?
ALI: We should.
[Typing and Clicking]
ALI: 30…5?
JACK: 35?
AUSTIN: Yeah, I can do 35.
[Scattered Claps]
AUSTIN: Close one.
KEITH: I might've been a touch early, just for—
JACK: Should we do 50?
KEITH: No, not in any serious way, but you know...
JANINE: [Scratchy Voiced] A quarter? Two seconds early? [Clears Throat]
KEITH: I feel like I could've done better.
JACK: [Laughs] A quarter two for seconds.
[KEITH Laughs]
[JANINE Clears Her Throat]
JANINE: I suddenly got like, really hoarse, sorry.
[AUSTIN Coughs and JANINE Clears Her Throat Simultaneously]
JANINE: Okay
[KEITH Clears His Throat Loudly]
JACK: Wow.
[JANINE and JACK Laugh]
JACK: Jesus. Oh god.
[AUSTIN Coughs]
AUSTIN: [Annoyed] God.
KEITH: [Coughs Loudly] I'm the substitute teacher today
AUSTIN: I cannot fucking shake this cough. [Takes a breath] Okay.
[Music Plays]
ANDREW: There we go.
KEITH: Hey how's everybody doing?
AUSTIN: I'm doing.
JANINE: Yeah.
KEITH: Cool.
ANDREW: Yeah.
KEITH: It's windy and cold today.
ALI: Same here.
AUSTIN: In a good way or a bad way?
KEITH: In a way where it sucks except for that I've got a nice warm beverage.
ALI: Oo.
AUSTIN: Are you drinking some tea?
KEITH: I am drinking some tea.
AUSTIN: Tea is good!
JANINE: Wouldn't it be amazing if one of these days if Keith could just like "no, I'm drinking some grape juice that I heated on the stove."
[ALI Laughs] [KEITH Laughs Hard, Turns Away From Mic]
KEITH: Is that not how you make a hot toddy? Is that not just a hot grape juice?
JANINE: Yeah you take a pot— you take a metal pot. Preferably not a non-stick pot because the coating will affect the woodiness or something?
KEITH: Yeah, I've got a stainless steel pan and I use toasted walnut oil, and I use about 3 1/2 cups.
ART: No. Keith you drinking a hot grapey?
KEITH: I'm having a hot grapey, yeah. A splash of Lime. It’s a hot grapey and lime.
ANDREW: You gotta get a high enough proof bourbon in there so that you can flambé the grape juice. That's the trick.
JANINE: [Cross] Would bourbon and grape juice work?
ART: [Cross] Dre I think you make hot toddies wrong— [Laughs]
AUSTIN: "Bourbon and grape—" what do you mean by "work?"
JANINE: [Laughing] I don’t know that it would work!
ALI: That might work.
KEITH: Bourbon gives me a stomach ache.
ANDREW: Okay, first of all grape juice isn't in hot toddies, is it?
AUSTIN: Not at all
KEITH: No it's not.
AUSTIN: It was all a bit.
ART: Nah, it’s all a bit [Laughs]
JANINE: Yeah, the booze is—
ALI: But there's a sweetness and then like a bitterness to the grape juice [ANDREW: That's why you use—] and then you add like a bourbon to it which is like... yeah.
ANDREW: You use the bourbon for the sweetness and vanillaness.
KEITH: A bourbon and hot grape juice— it's a hot grapey with bourbon is a hot bapey.
AUSTIN: A hot bapey.
ANDREW: Remember in the 2000's when everyone was wearing those hot bapies?
[KEITH Laughs]
AUSTIN: A better time
ART: Is Pharrell Still making ice cream sneakers, is that still happening?
AUSTIN: It has to be true.
ALI: Yeah, he's been doing a lot of stuff with Adidas right now.
KEITH: Ice cream sneakers— is that like an ice cream cake like sneakers and you get that nice chocolate crunch inside?
AUSTIN: Yeah Pharrell was really big with those 2000's.
KEITH: Tom Farrell [Laughs]
ANDREW: Pharrell Adidas and Caravel collab.
ART: Pharrell used to make those Air Force 1 rip-offs except with an ice cream cone instead of a swoosh.
ALI: Right now he's making a bunch of Adidas NMD’s. And makes a bunch of shitty ones that are general sale that say like, "Love" and "Peace" on them, and then one like, twice a year he makes the same exact shoes that say N*E*R*D on them for $2000 and they resale for $7000.
ART: Oh he's just doing it to you huh?
ALI: He's just doing it to me! [Laughing] Yeah everyday I think "wow if I had $7000…" [Laughs]
ANDREW: If only…
[ALI Laughs]
AUSTIN: You'd give it all to Pharrell.
JANINE: I love that song.
KEITH: Wow these shoes are crazy.
ART: She'd give it to re-salers on the internet.
AUSTIN: Right, right.
KEITH: This is a wild shoe. I've never seen a shoe that looks like that.
JANINE: How've we never done a Bluff City shoe grifter yet?
AUSTIN: I don't know. We did coats, we didn't do shoes though. I bet he has shoes.
JANINE: The coat racquet was different though.
AUSTIN: Yeah.
ANDREW: I gotta look and see how much those DBZ Adidas shoes are. They’re probably expensive right?
ALI: [Laughs] God...
ART: Sounds like a yes to me.
JANINE: You can pay people can customize shoes for you. Like you can just get on whatever you want really.
ART: [Cross] That’s what Nikki Bella does. I know we were all wondering.
KEITH: [Cross] Oh my god, whose foot is this shoe for?
ALI: [Laughs] Which one?
AUSTIN: Wait. Now I'm not sure what your problem is with the shoes. I thought you woulda been like— in terms of its design—
KEITH: No this.
AUSTIN: These are for weird climbers...right?
KEITH: Yeah but just 'cause you climb stuff doesn't mean that your foot is shaped like that.
AUSTIN: [Cross] Maybe it's good for your foot for climbing.
KEITH: [Cross] It doesn't mean you have a vulture beak for a foot!
AUSTIN: You don't know about climbing.
KEITH: Yeah you're right I don't know shit about climbing
AUSTIN: They're sticky. These shoes are sticky
ART: Yeah and it's not shaped like that, it's just droopy. Your foot will hold it up
KEITH: [Incredulous] It's droopy!?
ALI: Hmmm.
AUSTIN: Yeah I don’t think these have like a hard sole These are— it's a sock.
KEITH: Okay but look at this second picture. Look at the second picture!!
AUSTIN: Yeah but your foot would flatten it out, is what I’m saying.
KEITH: Oh, okay, okay.
JANINE: Yeah this is reminding me of like, you know those you know those flats that are like fully curled up on themselves? I'm trying to find a picture. Ali you must know what I'm talking about— the ones that are just like. They're all like wrinkly on the sides, and they're like they are all like curled up and weird? How can I not find a picture of these? There’s no good word for what I want
ALI: Foamposites?
ART:[Mocking] No, there's no way Janine is talking about Foamposites.
[ALI and ANDREW and JANINE Laugh]
JANINE: Wha— what the fu— What?
[ALI Continues Laughing]
ALI: They look crinkly!
ART: This is just not doing a good job of knowing your audience.
JANINE: [Typing] No!
[ANDREW Takes a Breath]
JANINE: I can’t...
[ALI Laughs]
JANINE: Maybe if I searched for like, “elastic flats”?
ALI: Wait what type of shoe?
JANINE: [Speaking While Typing] “Elastic flats.”
ANDREW: Which Yeezy season are they from? [ALI Laughs]
JANINE: I've never bought a pair of these because—
KEITH: Vertical Living. This is a channel for people who think they're bats, right?
AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh. I hate how dirty his climbing shoes are.
KEITH: Well, they're well-worn.
AUSTIN: They're gross.
ALI: Yes.
KEITH: They're used as intended.
ANDREW: Oh, it's the ultimate roof climbing shoe.
AUSTIN: Yeah.
ANDREW: Fuck.
ALI: You guys have seen like, the shoes with the toes right? That— [Laughs]
[Everybody Rising in Volume]
AUSTIN: I hate it
KEITH: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
JANINE: Oh yeah, those.
KEITH: [At a Regular Volume] Now hold on, I mean they look a little goofy, but how else are you gonna show off them feet digits?
AUSTIN: I hate it. It makes me feel claustrophobic to look at.
ALI: Yeah it's so—
AUSTIN: Ugh.
ART: Yeah, my feet have started sweating—
KEITH: What if you know without a shadow of a doubt, that your toes are your best feature?
[ALI Laughs]
ANDREW: I will say that I have a friend who is a runner, and he switched to using those and has way less back problems and stuff now.
JANINE: My question is how do you clean the inside?
AUSTIN: You probably [ANDREW: You probably don't.] turn it inside out or something— [Concerned] Do you not?
ALI: You gotta scrub your toes before you put them in, right? [Laughs]
AUSTIN: Ohhh right.
ART: But then if you're running, you’re gonna get grimy.
KEITH: The tagline is “You Gotta Clean What Goes In.”
ALI: [Laughing] “Clean In, Clean Out”
AUSTIN: “Clean In, Clean Out— it's what they say. Clean In, Clean Out.
[ALI Laughs]
JANINE: Maybe just run through a stream or something?
ANDREW: Are we talking about toes? I don’t—
ART: I also think everyone who wears those should go to prison. I agree with Austin.
AUSTIN: [Laughing] Okay well wait, I didn't say that.
[ALI Laughs]
ANDREW: Hey Kamala Harris, chill out there.
[AUSTIN and ALI Laugh Hard]
AUSTIN: Wow. Woah.
[ALI Continues Laughing]
AUSTIN: Watch the patreon numbers drop.
[Silence]
AUSTIN: [Cross] Anyway, the DBZ shoes are nice.
KEITH: [Cross] Oh, this one’s fun. This one just says “Race” on the shoes.
ALI: Yeah, uh-huh.
KEITH: That was you don't hafta know about shoes to know that them's racin' shoes.
[ANDREW Laughs]
AUSTIN: Says “Race” right there. Oh god
ANDREW: [Catches His Breath] Shit
ALI: I think the other one— the other shoe says "Human."
ANDREW: Oh, it's "Human Race." Okay.
AUSTIN: Human Race
KEITH: Ohhhh.
ANDREW: That's why it's all the colors of the rainbow.
AUSTIN: I think that's actually correct. Ugh.
ART: I don’t think Pharrell used to be 50 years old than me, is the thing I'm having a problem with.
KEITH: Wow these shoes are— I think that these are dumb.
AUSTIN: Yeah
ALI: [Unconvinced] Well...
KEITH: Well I'm looking at the other things that it says like "Cloud" or "Body."
ALI: That's the thing I was saying. The cheap ones all say like, "Peace" on them. I just want the ones that are $900 to say the band that I like [Laughs]
[JANINE Laughs]
AUSTIN: God.
ART: Yeah, I'm gonna sell you some shoes that are gonna change your life.
KEITH: The left shoe says “Cloud” and the right shoe says "Moon."
[ALI Laughs]
JANINE: Those are good anime shoes.
AUSTIN: Could I mix and match— like, could I get there is one here that says— can I get like “Human Cloud?” Or like, one of them is like—
KEITH and ART Simultaneously: “Moon Race”
[KEITH Laughs Hard Away From Mic]
KEITH: I think anybody wearing Moon Race shoes should be in prison.
AUSTIN: I— you know…
[ALI and ART Laugh]
[Silence]
AUSTIN: God…
KEITH: This one says “Y.O.U. N.E.R.D.”
ALI: [Cross] Yeah, that’s the one that I’m looking for.
AUSTIN: [Cross] Yeah, those are the expensive ones.
ALI: I want the ones that say “N.E.R.D.”
ANDREW: These are good instructional shoes: one says “Breathe” and one says “Walk.” Just in case you forget.
KEITH: Oh, this is one that you want. I thought this was an insult shoe.
[ALI and KEITH Laugh]
KEITH: [Cross] “You Nerd”
ALI: [Cross] Which ones? The one that I linked?
KEITH: Oh sorry, I also just saw them on— [ALI: Oh, okay.] No wait the one that you linked? Where's that?
AUSTIN: God I hadn't thought about backlacing in so long.
[ALI Laughs]
ANDREW: Oh. I forgot that used to be a thing, huh?
AUSTIN: Mhm
ALI: God that's amazing.
AUSTIN: Uh-huh!
ALI: I need to backlace.
ART: These are $2500 huh?
ALI: They are. Yeah, there's one that looks like it's in my size that's discounted to $925, 'cause the box is damaged.
ART: If you got big feet like me it's only uhh, $1745.
ALI and AUSTIN: Ooo.
AUSTIN: I really like these ones which are just the same as the human sneakers except they're for cavemen 'cause one says "Hu" and the other says "Man"
[ALI, SYLVIA, and KEITH Laugh Hard]
SYLVIA: Oh jeez.
ALI: Oh it’s “hue”— like “hue” like color.
AUSTIN: Hue like color. H U E. Uh-huh.
ART: Oh, that's a little better than—
[ALI Laughs]
ART: When I thought it was just “H U.”
AUSTIN: Huuuuuue Maaaan
ART: Huuuu Maaann is worse. We're splitting fine hairs at this point, I know, but...
[ALI Laughs]
AUSTIN: I want the “Human” from “Human Race” and the “Man” from “Hue Man,” so my feet just say "Human Man”
[Everyone Laughs]
ART: Can you color match those or are you gonna be in trouble?
AUSTIN: Probably in trouble, right?
ALI: Yeaaah.
KEITH: You gotta buy multiple pairs right? And then you can mix and match.
ALI: Right
AUSTIN: I think at the point at which you were wearing shoes that say words on them— fuck it, man. They don't need to match color.
KEITH: But here’s the question—
ART: For Black History Month they put out LeBrons. Where you got one white and one black but you choose what pair. Like you could get a pair that's one left white or right white.
[AUSTIN Audibly Exhales]
KEITH: I have a question about these shoes because some of them are multiple things to be read together right?
AUSTIN: Yes.
KEITH: So like “Hue Man”— but then you've got like, what? “Race Race?”
AUSTIN: No it's “Human Race”
ALI: Right.
KEITH: Oh, but all these say “Race.”
AUSTIN: That's all the same foot.
KEITH: Oh, they're showing you all the color of the right foot, okay.
ALI: While we're talking about weirdly-designed Adidas that you can only buy on each foot, can I just complain again about the [Laughing] 2007 Adidas Star Wars line— [Laughs]
ANDREW: Oh.
AUSTIN: Always.
ALI: They had theses R2-D2 shoes that literally split in half—
AUSTIN: Wait, is it supposed to be C-3PO on one side?
KEITH: Half-C-3PO and half— that's bad…
ALI: Yeah...
AUSTIN: They should just pick one these. Both would be dope shoes.
ALI: I know!
ART: I got the rebel jumpsuit ones of those. They're good times.
KEITH: Do you think that the math that they did was that people that really want Star Wars shoes don't want to buy two pairs of shoes?
[AUSTIN Chuckles]
JANINE: Here's the thing: I don't want Star Wars shoes at all, and I actually kinda like these [Laughs]
ANDREW: There you go.
JANINE: I don't hate them. I'm not mad at them. I think the lighting could help or hurt them in different situations.
AUSTIN: They had different photos. They only show one side and they look like dope shoes, like this one is just like, “oh imagine that these were just the C-3PO version.”
JANINE: I think a big part of what doesn't work here is that we are often conditioned to pick a metal and stick with it in our outfit. [AUSTIN: Uh-huh.] To go either gold or silver. These do both.
KEITH: I remember that conditioner.
[ALI and ART Laugh]
JANINE: And I like the spirit of that. I like the spirit of doing both gold and silver, because sometimes you don't wanna chose. Sometimes you just wanna wear every metal all at once because you're a robot.
KEITH: Is not really gold and silver. It's gold and shoe. The other side's not silver.
JANINE: [Laughs] It has silver stripes!
KEITH: It does have 2 silver stripes
AUSTIN: It does.
ART: Oh, these were fuckin' ComplexCon releases?
ALI: Wait, which?
ART: The Pharrell “N.E.R.D.” ones.
ALI: Oh, yeah...
AUSTIN: Oof. That makes sense.
ART: Fuckin' ComplexCon is honestly the worst thing in the world.
[ALI Laughs]
AUSTIN: Wait, are the current Adidas sneakers just really bad? Are these children? These are children shoes.
ALI: Wait, which ones?
AUSTIN: They're like stormtrooper shoes, which I think is a strange thing to put your children in.
ALI: Well…
ANDREW: Yeah… Listen: has that ever stopped people who put Star Wars clothes on their kids?
AUSTIN: I guess not.
KEITH: People like storm— look at them, that’s the thin— that’s— those're the guys I— from the movie I like!
[AUSTIN Laughs]
ANDREW: Yeah
ALI: Mhm.
JANINE: I told Austin on Friday, but I knew it was laundry day because I was wearing an entire outfit of Bioware clothing.
[ALI, ART and KEITH Laugh hard]
JANINE: [Laughs] I was like, “I can't do this.”
ART: Did they make pants? Did they make bottoms?
JANINE: They made leggings. They made lotsa nice women's leggings.
AUSTIN: God.
JANINE: I regret not getting the Cassandra ones while the store was open but I have the Leliana ones and they’re good. They're impossible to wear because it is like… it's armor printed on the leggings, it's got like armor knee plates and shit and Cassandra ones had chainmail. So it's truly, truly, unwearable. But they're very nice quality.
ALI: Ready?
JANINE: We don't have Jack.
AUSTIN: We're waiting on Jack.
ANDREW: [Almost Simultaneously] We’re waiting on Jack.
ALI: Oh fuck.
KEITH: What's going on with Jack? I saw that Jack said something was happening.
AUSTIN: I don’t know.
ANDREW: [Quietly] Internet issues I think
JANINE: Internet ghost
AUSTIN: Yeah it seems like an internet thing.
ART: Unfortunately, they had to pour hot water on it so it's—
[AUSTIN and JANINE Chuckle]
KEITH: There's a drip in the internet but it's at the bottom so...
ANDREW: Art, Sylvia[1]. How's your all’s journey through Kingdom Hearts 3 treating you?
ALI: [Excited] Oo, yeah!
SYLVIA: My journey's complete and it was very uh…lot. It was good.
ANDREW: Yeah.
[ALI Laughs]
ART: I wanna stream it so I'm— I streamed with Jess once and then I didn't do it for a while so I'm still 3 hours in and I'm on the planet where I don't know anyone.
AUSTIN: Which planet?
ART: The first— the second one. Like you got Hercules and then you got your ship and then you go and it's like—
ANDREW: Oh right Twilight Town.
ART: ...here's four kids I don't know.
ANDREW: Twilight town.
AUSTIN: Ah, that's an important place. That’s a real place.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: I know now.
ART: I refuse to learn context so…
AUSTIN: Okay.
ANDREW: Yeah, no. Godspeed.
JANINE: Is Twilight Town related to Traverse Town?
ANDREW: No.
ART: Is Rod Serling going to show up?
AUSTIN: Not fictionally but like.. Structurally.
ANDREW: Yeah Yeah, yeah..
ALI: Oh right, Austin’s a pro now.
AUSTIN: I'm not a pro.
[ALI Laughs]
JANINE: Is David Boreanaz still in those games?
ANDREW: [Uncertain] I don't think so?
AUSTIN: [Uncertain] No..?
JANINE: Is Lance Bass?
AUSTIN: None of their characters are around anymore, right?
ANDREW: I think Sephiroth was in 1 and 2?
JANINE: That's not true, I think I saw that girl with the weird hair— the flippy girl.
ANDREW: You don't see Leon in 3.
AUSTIN: Yeah, sorry: Leon. It's Kingdom Hearts, right.
ANDREW: I don't think I've actually seen any of the Final Fantasy people in 3.
ALI: I heard that it was really light on Final Fantasy.
JANINE: I thought I saw the girl with the flippy-uppy hair sitting with someone. In the yellow dress?
ANDREW: Uhh…you mean Selphie?
JANINE: Sure... Selphie. That name's aged well.
ANDREW: [Second Guessing] Is it Sophie? So—
SYLVIA: It is Selphie, but with a P.
ALI: Yeah.
ANDREW: There's Olette in Twilight Town who looks kinda like Selphie.
JANINE: Oh is it not actually her?
ANDREW: Because I think the three kids in Twilight Town are supposed to be analogues to the three Final Fantasy kids who were in Kingdom Hearts 1?
AUSTIN: Oh, that makes sense.
ANDREW: In Destiny Islands?
JANINE: God that was weird
KEITH: I can't get over the fact that I probably would've loved Kingdom Hearts if I'd played it at the time, but I didn't have a PS2. And like, now it just feels like, beyond me.
JANINE: Let me tell you: I had a PS2 and played it at the time and I had no fucking clue what was going on and it did nothing for me.
[AUSTIN Laughs]
ANDREW: Yeaaah
KEITH: I might not've known what was going on and still loved it though.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: That's the bulk of people who seemed to have loved it.
JANINE: I wasn't deep enough into Final Fantasy or Disney to…
ANDREW: Yeah fair enough.
JANINE: Well actually, at the time I was pretty into Disney, but I don't know. I didn't have—
ART: I'm stunned Disneyland isn't doing anything.
JANINE: My number one reason for playing it was "Oh okay, David Boreanaz is voicing this character and that's fun."
[ANDREW and KEITH Laugh]
ANDREW: And Mandy Moore is here.
JANINE: And then I get to do uh... Alice in Wonderland stuff— that's kinda neat.
ANDREW: Yeah. I think 2 still holds up okay gameplay-wise. But 1 is really rough to go back to.
AUSTIN: I really wanna play Birth By Sleep, I'm just not gonna do it, but that would be the one.
ALI: Yeah that's the one I wanna play.
JANINE: Yeah.
ANDREW: Yeah, it’s really good.
ALI: Okay so, I've never played a KH game, but I feel like I know most of the characters. Like I get it. I feel like I get what's going on—
AUSTIN: Ali lemme tell you? Can I tell you real quick? As someone who recently took the dive?
[Everyone Laughs Hard]
AUSTIN: I love you, I love you. You do not. You do not…
ANDREW: Ali, what's a nobody and what's a heartless?
ALI: Wha— oh, uh…okay—
AUSTIN: That’s not even what I mean. That's not even what I mean. I don't even mean that.
ALI: Okay but, as I was saying I feel in my heart—
KEITH: Which characters are secretly 8 other characters?
ALI: I feel in my heart—
JACK: Hello?
AUSTIN: [Relieved] Jack!
ART: Hey Jack!
SYLVIA: Hi, Jack!
ALI: ...that I am an Aqua and a Riku stan.
AUSTIN: Yeah you are.
SYLVIA: Thank you.
ALI: And I already put it down, and I [Laughs]
JACK: Oh you're all fine. You’re all fine!
AUSTIN: Yeah.
JACK: I was rushing around worrying about whether or not everyone was—
AUSTIN: No, we were just talking about Kingdom Hearts.
JACK: ...you’re just panicking?
KEITH: Hey jack.
SYLVIA: The only thing that matters.
KEITH: Wait so, Jack you were gone before I got here, why did you think everyone maybe was in danger?
[ALI and ANDREW laugh]
[Silence]
AUSTIN: Jack?
ANDREW: Uh-oh.
KEITH: Uh-oh
AUSTIN: Jack's gone.
ART: Is jack in danger?
KEITH: [Laughs] Did someone cast a curse on Jack where now they think everybody is in danger?
JACK: I hope not.
AUSTIN: Jack you're here! Hi jack!
JACK: I'm here. Everything keeps falling apart every 40 seconds or so.
AUSTIN: Uh-oh
ALI: Oh...
KEITH: Wait, do you mean the internet or physical objects near you?
JACK: Just everything, the curtains came down— no I think the internet… So what I'm gonna try is I'm gonna-
AUSTIN: I have a theory.
JACK: Oh go ahead. Is it a curse?
AUSTIN: I think you're curs— no, I think your internet works through your hot water heater.
JACK: Oh that's gotta be what it is. The man did arrive and he apparently changed the mixture of gas and water just a little to make something work a little smoother.
ART: Oh...
ALI: Huh..
JACK: So maybe in some pattern magic sense, the internet— [AUSTIN: What!?] You know, the combination of water and gas—
JANINE: Do hot water heaters not work the way I thought they worked?
AUSTIN: The mixture—
JANINE: Are hot water heaters Kingdom Hearts?
[AUSTIN Laughs]
KEITH: It might've been the mixture of gas and air.
AUSTIN: That would make some sense.
JANINE: That makes more sense.
JACK: That might be what it is.
KEITH: BUT! I know nothing about hot water heaters.
AUSTIN: Me either!
JANINE: Hot water heaters work by carbonating and then heating the water and then decarbonating it and then shooting it out [Laughing]
[KEITH Laughs]
JACK: So what I know about hot water heaters is—
AUSTIN: It's a big soda stream!
JACK: —that they're capricious. Seems to be working right now.
AUSTIN: That's good.
JACK: I'm trying to think about as to whether or not I should just restart my computer?
AUSTIN: You sound fine.
KEITH: [Affirming] You sound fine.
JACK: Okay let's go with it for now, and if everything falls apart in 40 seconds—
KEITH: Then, you can restart your computer, make a hot grapey, come back.
JACK: Hey what's a hot grapey?
AUSTIN: Y’know what Jack? Nope.
ANDREW: Nope. Just ignore all the shoes and everything—
AUSTIN: Yeah ignore the shoes.
JACK: Yeah am I... are these… Are these shoes we like? Or are these shoes… What’s been happening here?
[ALI Laughs]
AUSTIN: It's a test. You pick the ones we like and you pick the ones we don't like.
JACK: Okay so really, I feel like…Anthem has gone overboard in its new javelin designs.
[AUSTIN Laughs]
JACK: Hey some of these suck.
[ALI, SYLVIA and ART Laugh]
AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh.
KEITH: Yeah. You pass the test.
[ALI Laughs]
JACK: What does that one say? “Breathe”? “”Walk”? Do these ones say “Race”? They just say “Race”?
[ALI Laughs]
AUSTIN: There's another one that matches that says “Human.”
JACK: oh they say “Human Race”? What about this one that looks like some kind of messed up bird’s foot?
KEITH: That's— well there's also one that looks like a messed-up bird's beak.
JACK: Yeah…
KEITH: Oh wait. We're talking about the same one!
[KEITH Laughs Hard Away From Mic]
JACK: We got ballerina flats down here. Yeah. “How do backlace,” Phar….Pharrell made these?
KEITH: Only most of them.
ALI: [Laughs] Yeah. that’s why they say “Human” [Fighting Laughter] “Race”.
AUSTIN: Obviously.
ART: Not the bird ones.
AUSTIN: [Laughs] Pharrell hates birds.
JACK: And then we got these half-gold, half-white ones, and I kinda like these [Chuckles]
AUSTIN: There you go.
ALI: Alright.
JANINE: Thank you.
AUSTIN: You and Janine.
[ALI Laughs Excitedly]
JACK: Oh they're C-3PO [Intonation Lifts Up Dreamily]
KEITH: And R2D2!
AUSTIN: Wait! One more time? Who? Where was the accent on that name?
[ALI and KEITH Laugh Hard]
JACK: In the British dub he said it differently. You know C-3PO, the comedy American man and his sidekick.
[AUSTIN and JANINE Laugh Hard]
JACK: He's like—
AUSTIN: He's like an Andrew Dice Clay [Laughs] he comes out— [Laughs]
[Takes a breath]
JACK: The British dub— you haven't seen the British dub of Star Wars?
JANINE: It's amazing because they went in with CG before they even did the re-CG'ing, and they gave him a rolled up t-shirt with a pack of cigarettes in it, but he wasn't wearing a t shirt.
JACK: And it's set in Croydon.
KEITH: Luke Skywalker is British, all the Empire was American.
AUSTIN: Very weird.
ART: In the interest of—
[AUSTIN Laughs Hard]
ANDREW: Is this a Banksy dub? What're we talking about?
AUSTIN: Art in the chat: Hickory dickory data. ‘Eyy!
[Everyone Laughs Hard]
ART: I'm not doing a Dice impression, I know Austin was just gonna immediately do one.
AUSTIN: Of course, uh-huh. Little miss leia.
[Silence]
AUSTIN: I just got nothing after that, I'm gonna move on. Not a laugh.
KEITH: I'm gonna interrogate Leia, but I'll be back in an hour.
AUSTIN: Get it!?
[ALI Laughing]
JACK: Time dot is at 20 seconds I can do it.
KEITH: [Shouting From Off-Mic] HOUR BACK! Get it!?
ANDREW: 20 seconds
AUSTIN: 20 seconds
JANINE: Mhm.
[Silence]
KEITH: Wait I'm not gonna be ready.
AUSTIN: Oh my god. We still have five seconds!
ALI: It's still 15!
KEITH: Okay I'll be there.
[Everyone Claps in Unison]
JANINE: Were you there?
KEITH: Yeah I was there.
AUSTIN: That was an alright clap, given.
KEITH: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Okay.
ANDREW: Phew.
JACK: We’re professionals.
AUSTIN: That's us!
JANINE: Andrew Dice Clay is our guide and sss— [AUSTIN Laughs] ...sssomething? I don't have another word after that. He's our guide.
ALI: Muse?
AUSTIN: Andrew Dice Clay is not anyone's muse.
[ALI and JACK Laugh]
AUSTIN: Unless you're talking about Muse, the band. In which case, I am sure he is someone's Muse, the band.
[KEITH and ALI Laugh]
JACK: Austin who is your Muse, the band? Is it Muse?
AUSTIN: No [Laughs]
JACK: [Quickly Shifts to a Businesslike Tone] Okay let's go, let's get to work.
AUSTIN: [Chuckles] Jeez.
[JACK laughs]
KEITH: All right let's buckle in, let's do it.
AUSTIN: [Laughing] …late for 30 minutes and all of sudden we gotta hustle.
[ALI Laughs]
JACK: Late? I was fighting a router!
AUSTIN: Uh-huh. Okay I need to find my voice.
ART: Tryin' to make like C-3POH!!
AUSTIN: [Laughing] Goddammit!
[Music Plays And Fades Out]
[1] The name in the audio recording is no longer in use, hence the audio/transcript discrepancy.