The PPC belong to Jay and Acacia, Lord of the Rings belongs to the estate of J. R. R. Tolkien, Jack Harkness belongs to the BBC, and the fic belongs to ILOVELOTR, who can keep it.
Link is here: http://www.quotev.com/story/3085729/Heart-and-Soul-A-Legolas-Love-Story/
Thanks to eatpraylove for beta-reading this.
The Name Stealer
“Nessa,” said Éowine. “Geawierged Nessa.” At his wife’s strange look, he added, “That’s what the Sue's called.”
“I'll take the Gimels ax,” said Éowine. The Gimels ax had been a gift from Azruzîr. It was a Dwarvish ax with the Hebrew letter Gimel carved repeatedly into the haft.
The first chapter was actually a datafile on the Sue. Her name was Nessa Calealen. (“Stealing… a… Vala’s… name,” noted Steormægð).
“She has a ‘blck heart necklace’,” said Éowine. “Block?”
“Oh,” said Steormægð, “and at five hundred one years of age she is rescued from five hundred years of suffering at Sauron’s hands, after which Elrond adopts her, and then at six hundred she chafes under Elrond’s rules and runs off to join the Rangers.”
“Hāligu scite,” said Éowine. “First off, she should be deeply disturbed, unable to speak, and have few if any wits. Second, would the Rangers really take in someone who was simply trying to get away from the rules of home?”
Steormægð portaled them--to just outside the Prancing Pony by mistake rather than inside, and they entered. “Sorry,” she said.
“It’s all right,” replied Éowine.
The Prancing Pony was dimly lit with myslef sitting in a dark corner near the warm fire. I was playing with my dagger, turning it between my fingers.
The Sue, whose necklace seemed to include a heart made of black Legos, was sitting (and drooling—as Agent Þórhall later explained, “slef” means saliva in Icelandic), while turning a dagger between her fingers. Then, as Aragorn arrived, the Sue cloaked figure walked into the room, which manifested as her throwing a cloak over Éowine; as a non-canon, she could see him. Éowine got the cloak off and the two Agents scanned the Words and learned that the reason she threw the cloak on him was because…
“Should have been ‘A cloaked figure’,” said Steormægð, “not ‘I cloaked figure’. And a sentence fragment caused the hood to pull SOMETHING over Strider’s face, but I can’t tell what.”
“Let’s see…” Éowine squinted, but could not, however hard he tried, see what it was.
Sue had greeted Aragorn by this time—in genuine Sindarin—and she bought an apple and the four Hobbits entered the inn. She overheard them talking to Butterbur, and then there was a commotion and Frodo vanished.
“What?” asked Éowine, confused. “No song?”
“Movieverse,” sighed Steormægð. “We can’t charge for it.”
Even the smallest person can change the course of the future, declared the Words. Sue grabbed Frodo, and they and Aragorn took him to a nearby room. The Agents followed as Strider regurgitated the movie lines (with “we” for “I”). Then, he asked if Frodo was “fritenghed”.
The Hobbit nodded. I still hadn’t spoken. I didn’t know what to make of this Hobbit yet.
“Not nearly fritenghed enough, we know what hunts you, Frodo Baggins,” Strider informed the Hobbit whose name was Frodo Baggins.
“You’d think Frodo’d be frightened,” said Steormægð.
Then the other three Hobbits burst in as Sue and Strider drew their weapons. “Let him go or I’ll have you Longskanks!” yelled Sam, as a mini-Balrog spawned who bore a passing resemblance to Captain Jack Harkness.
Éowine facepalmed—and then, since the Prancing Pony was made of wood, portaled the mini directly to OFUM. While he called Miss Cam, his wife charged for run-on sentences, Frodo being fritenghed, and the mini.
Not long after Aragorn had finished explaining the Ringwraiths to the terrified Hobbits, the Nine could be heard in the distance, and the Words repeated the line about the smallest person changing the course of the future. Then, and only then, did Strider set up the decoys.
Sue smirked at the guilty expressions on the Hobbits.
“Are you able to talk?” Pippin asked her.
Aragorn replied that once the Sue trusted someone, she could talk and talk and talk. The Sue pinched Pippin on the arm. Then she ripped the hood off her cloak.
“What the?” Steormægð blinked, then looked at the Words. “Oh, she ‘took off’ her hood. Deorost, let’s portal ahead to Imladris. All we’ll miss is more time-space compression.”
“As long as we stop on the way to pick up the mini-Balrog Weathertop Aragorn. Wait, we also have to charge for the stars ‘peaking’.”
“Would make sense, if they’re variable stars,” replied his wife. “Any night, assuming clear skies, there will be some out. I say give the Suethor the benefit of the doubt.”
Éowine scanned further. “Oh, and she also usurps Glorfindel’s role in Frodo’s rescue.”
“Arwen’s, since this is movieverse, but yes. We have to charge that.”
They portaled ahead to pick up Weathertop Aragorn, and then went on to after the Ringwraith attack. Sure enough…
“He only obeys me and I am the faster rider,” the Sue told Aragorn climbing onto her horses back, missing apostrophe included. Éowine thought he saw the Sue’s horse turn momentarily into conjoined twins, but then a wave of time-space compression yanked the agents to the Ford, just in time for Elrond to smite the Nazgûl with the river.
When Frodo woke up and was met with smiling faces around him.
“I’m surprised Technical Errors didn’t get this one,” said Steormægð.
Éowine frowned. “It is not one of the larger depar—” Immediately the two Rohirrim were yanked by a time wrench into the Council. Elrond was giving his movieverse spiel (though he created the mini-Balrog Modor in the process), and concluded with, “Bring forth the Ring Frodo.” Frodo dutifully produced a smiple little gold ring, which was engraved with the name “Maura Labingi” in Cirth.
“Of course,” said Steormægð. “It’s not the One Ring; it’s the Ring Frodo. So where is the actual Ring?”
When Boromir went for the Ring, the Sue thought that Men are so weak-minded.
“Go ride a fire-drake, bicce,” muttered Éowine.
Then Gandalf startled everyone by starting to chant in Black Speech, “Ash nazg durbatul, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatul, ash nazg krimpatul.” (One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the Darkness bind them.)
“I’m not up on the Black Speech,” said Steormægð, “but I don’t think that’s quite accurate.”
“The proper version of that phrase was in the Red Book,” replied Éowine. “The grammar’s off in lines one and three, and the long vowels are shortened.”
The recap of the movieverse Council continued, and Sue displayed some more anti-human biases. Then, when the Fellowship was formed, she volunteered immediately after Boromir. The other three Hobbits then volunteered. Both Agents shook their heads when Elrond gave the “Ten companions” line. Then…
“A woman?! You are letting a woman on this quest?!” Boromir asked.
Steormægð thought a moment; given the Sue’s Ranger life and the culture the Suethor likely lived in, Boromir was probably being cast as a Designated Misogynistic Bastard. Meanwhile, Aragorn let Boromir know the latter had just screwed up big time. Sure enough, Sue punched Boromir in the nose, breaking it. Boromir tried to hit back, but Sue flipped him to the ground and placed her foot on his back for a moment.
Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.
“Yes,” snapped Steormægð. “We heard you the first however many—” She was interrupted as the fic shifted to Legolas’ PoV. As the Sue walked away, Legolas was in awe. She had just broken Boromir’s nose and flipped him over in less than 10 seconds!
“And he’s not concerned about them brawling?” asked Éowine.
“Of course not,” replied Steormægð, rolling her eyes at the Sue. “She’s the star of the story.”
The PoV shifted back to the Sue, who headed for the practice range and started knifing the targets. Elrond entered, still unhappy about the altercation during the Council. “Shall we listen to the Sue throw a tantrum and leave Imladris in a snit?” asked Éowine.
“No, let’s find a vacant house instead. Let’s try to determine if the fertility treatments are working yet.”
The day passed, and nothing much happened until Legolas and Aragorn fetched the Sue back, The two Agents emerged, clothed again, just in time to see the Sue pass out. She came to in her room; it turned out that a shard of Gimli’s ax had lodged itself into the Sue’s thigh when it burst on the Ring Frodo.
“That’s a lesson learned about smiple rings,” said Steormægð. “Don’t try to chop them unless you want to risk wounding bystanders.”
“Geawierged grandstanding Sue,” grumbled Éowine.
They took the Ring Frodo and portaled ahead to the crebain scene, noting more time and space compression before they did so.
As in the movie, Gimli said that he thought what Aragorn saw was “just a whiff of cloud.” When the Fellowship hid from sight, so did the Agents.
The canonicals got going again, and made for Caradhras, while the Agents sent the mini-Balrog Carhadhras to OFUM. Then another wrench dumped them on the mountain slope.
“Maybe it’s just that the Suethor lives in a realm where swift vehicles are commonplace,” said Steormægð, “but here and now it’s a matter of weeks to get from Rivendell to here.”
“I don't mean to be rude, but why do you wear that cloak all the time?” Legolas asked the Sue.
Sue explained that it was from her brother who had died trying to help her.
“Never mind that her captors would have destroyed it,” said Éowine. “And she’d have been too young to remember it, anyway.”
“Didn’t Alqualindith mess up her own backstory sometimes?” asked Steormægð.
Éowine sighed. “I remember Heremearh and the King discussing, in complete bafflement, the fact that she had somehow forgotten about the 2941 assault on Dol Guldur despite her brother having been slain by the Witch-King there.”
Steormægð shook her head. “Not surprised.”
Meanwhile, the Ring fell into the snow, and Boromir picked it up. Sue marched up to yet another mini-Balrog, named Boromr, and whispered something in his ear. Somehow the mini had appropriated the Ring from Boromir, setting both Agents’ hearts racing. Frodo got the Ring back, and the movieverse continued. Steormægð sent Boromr to OFUM.
Sue sensed the snowstorm coming, and the Suethor actually gave enough of a transition that events eventuated in a reasonable time frame. The Rohirrim portaled ahead to the snow on Caradhras, although the mini Carhadhras made another appearance.
“There is a fell voice in the air!” Sue yelled to Gandalf.
“It’s Sauraman!” shouted Gandalf. A minute later, the minis Sauraman and Carhadhras were portaled to OFUM, while Sue did more grandstanding. She fell over the edge rescuing Legolas, but sadly did not go splat. After frantic searching, Legolas found her hanging onto some rocks that clung the mountain.
The movieverse resumed, and Gandalf let Frodo decide which way to go since Caradhras was blocked. Frodo, naturally, opted for Moria.
I hated going underground, all Elves did, thought Legolas.
“Scite bullen,” said Éowine angrily. “Legolas COMES from an underground palace.”
They portaled ahead, but miscalculated due to all the temporal-spatial distortions and found themselves in Lothlórien. Before the Agents could decide whether to portal back or go on, Haldir commented on Gimli’s loud breathing, and the Sue glared at Haldir for insulting her friend. Haldir and the Sue looked at each other with sheer loathing. “Oh, you Nessa,” he sad as if noticing the Sue for the first time. Aragorn had to stop the Sue from going for her dagger—He knew Haldir didn’t get along—and then another mini-Balrog, Hladir by name, addressed Legolas with “Mae govanne, Legolas Thranduilion.”
“That’s ‘govannen’,” said Éowine, portaling Hladir to OFUM before it could start a forest fire.
“Nae saian luume’ Aragorn,” (It has been too long, Aragorn,) Haldir said after greeting Aragorn.
“You’re kidding,” said Steormægð, facepalming. “The Suethor knows proper Sindarin, but is now using Grelvish?”
“Diolla lle, Haldir” (Thank you, Haldir,) Aragorn said to Haldir.
“Charge,” said Steormægð.
You think you can just smile and they’ll be your friend, idiot, the Sue thought of Haldir.
“She’s trying to make Haldir a jerk,” said Steormægð, “but it looks to me like he borrowed Galadriel’s little… two-element device and knows what she is.”
“You can call it Nenya,” said Éowine. “The only reason the bogus Cheerilee overheard us was because we were loud.”
Haldir looked at them. “How much do you know about Nenya? And who or what is a Tshirilî?”
Éowine sighed. That was twice they had blown their cover in as many missions. “What if I told you Cheerilee was a talking horse whose job it was to instruct foals?”
“Ha ha ha no,” said Rúmil. “Be serious.”
“Isn’t it weird,” asked Steormægð, fiddling with the portal generator, “that this elleth here uses the name of one of the Valier? Or that she’s capable of functioning despite her past?”
“You’re both dodging the question,” said Haldir. Suddenly a glowing blue-white field appeared under the Sue, who vanished with a cry. When the canonicals looked back at the two Rohirrim, the couple had donned what looked like dark blue eyes-only masks.
FLASH!
The Sue found herself in a noisome cavern. The two Rohirrim appeared after her, the man wielding an ax with a curiously-ribbed haft.
“You are charged,” said Steormægð, “with being a Mary Sue; with having a Valarin name when Elves don't use them; with wanton neglect of the common comma; with wanton cruelty to the English language and the Black Speech; with being intelligent and verbal despite having been subjected to constant torture between the ages of one and five hundred one; with egregious time and space compressions; with stealing Glorfindel or Arwen’s role in Frodo’s rescue; with being a tenth member of the Fellowship; with brawling with Boromir; with having Elrond still let you go on the Quest after you rode out in a snit; with negating the existences of Menegroth, of Nargothrond, and of Thranduil’s halls by making all Elves hate being underground; with starting out with proper Elven tongues but then changing to Grelvish; and with attempting to pull a blade on Haldir just because you don't like him.”
“We probably missed more charges in Moria,” added Éowine, “but the charges given are more than enough to end your so-called ‘life’.”
“Any last words?” asked Steormægð.
“Legolas will KILL you!” screamed the Sue.
“No, said Éowine. “Legolas no longer remembers that you ever existed. But you’ll find yourself in more fitting company shortly.”
“We have to go,” said Steormægð, and she and Éowine portaled back to deal with the Ring Frodo and get the One Ring replaced.
About a quarter of an hour later, Radbug and Muzgash completed their patrol of the area and returned to the Tower.
“Anything to report?” Shagrat asked.
“Just that Shelob was having some fun,” said Muzgash.