True Identity

by Amber Va

Grew up in a small city.

Not knowing anyone, not knowing who I am.

Lost with a sense of identity.

A boy hidden a closet, was me.

A family who didn’t know English at all. Parents who were separated. A single mother raising 3 kids. All boys.

Middle school came.

Being different. Not knowing who I am was hard for me.

The only LGBT kid on campus. Maybe in the city. Who knows.

I was always an introvert growing up.

Not having that many friends. Being all alone.

Coming out gay was the hardest for me. Only one person helped me through all this. My true best friend. Someone who understood what I was going through. A true ally.

Ever since I came out. That’s when a whole new chapter started.

Kids chattering, laughing at me for being different, wanting to hurt me both physically and mentally.

My eyes were like a geyser. I didn’t know when to stop.

I couldn’t take it anymore. The constant bullying for being different. For me being me. No one cared about me.

Having to feel this state of paranoia, the feeling of losing all of my sanity.

Not knowing what to do anymore. I gave up all hope and sense of direction.

I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I had the feeling I shouldn’t be alive anymore

Time flew by. People matured and started becoming more accepting and supportive.

Entering high school gave me this fresh start. A new life. A journey to embark on.

I was a hidden trans woman freshman year. I didn’t know what was going to happen so just went with the flow.

Hearing about Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner on the news, I began learning more about the transgender community.

What is transgender you ask? It’s not identifying with what you were born as.

As I began to do more and more research, this description fit me. This is who I truly am.

Slowly, I began to progress my transition

I first attended my first pride event. I was nervous and scared that I might be made fun of. But it was the complete opposite.

All the people’s faces lit up in excitement, joy, and love was in the air. Nothing but support for being who you are. And nothing is wrong with that.

Coming out to my family as transgender was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

They didn’t take it easily. The feeling of disgrace and shame was brought upon me as if the world was coming to an end.

I am from a family who’s never going to learn to accept me for being trans.

I am from a father who abandoned me, my mother and 2 older brothers from the day I was born.

I come from a mother who’ll never see me as her daughter.

But I never lost hope.

Having hope is all I can do now.

I come from long lines of rich Cambodian ancestry who fled from Cambodia because of the Khmer Rouge and came to the States.

They never lost hope and neither should I.

I am a second generation Cambodian-American

I am the daughter of a Khmer Rouge survivor.

I am like a flower. From the seed to when it blooms in season.

I am optimistic.
I am a fighter.

I am a leader.

I am a feminist.

I am LGBT.

I am a PROUD transgender woman.

I am Amber and this is my story, this story that will never change but always be a part of me.