Jeb!: An American Disappointment
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HERE is the beginning of the actual play
For more information, contact alex.cohen.110@gmail.com
Reviews
“Possibly the best musical parody of a sad political dynasty in history” - Vanity Fair
http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/04/hamilton-ten-dollar-bill-redesign
“[Jeb!: An American Disappointment] turns out much, much better than you could have imagined” - Vox
http://www.vox.com/2016/4/22/11465048/jeb-hamilton
“...it’s amazing...” - USA Today
“In what can only be described as an artistic feat, 19 people on the Internet produced the ‘Hamilton’ parody to end all parodies.” - amNY.com
“It's not as good as Lin-Manuel Miranda's work, but what is? In a world full of cheap, low-effort knockoffs, you've still got to salute people who go the extra mile to follow their own unique visions. In the words of another failed presidential candidate, "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" -Vulture
http://www.vulture.com/2016/04/latest-hamilton-parody-is-about-jeb-bush.html
“Within its Google Doc pages is something of a brilliant political satire.” - The Daily Dot
http://www.dailydot.com/geek/jeb-bush-hamilton-parody-2016-election-musical/
“The Internet may have finally outdone itself with Jeb! An American Disappointment!” - The New York Observer
http://observer.com/2016/04/89-people-wrote-a-crowdsourced-hamilton-parody-about-jeb-bush/
“Some college students spend their free time hanging out on the quad, joining a club, or partying. Others rewrite an entire Broadway hip-hop musical to center on a failed Republican presidential nominee.” - The AV Club
http://www.avclub.com/article/internet-wrote-full-length-jeb-bush-inspired-versi-235615
“Some of Jeb!’s jokes and rhymes are sheer genius” - Slate
"The best part is... a musical about Jeb Bush." - WNYC
http://www.wnyc.org/story/sideshow-jeb-the-musical-pats-bob-ross/
“Some people who have way too much creativity and time on their hands invented the best thing to come out of the 2016 presidential campaign” - Orlando Weekly
http://www.orlandoweekly.com/Blogs/archives/2016/04/19/jeb-the-musical-is-here-and-its-hilarious
“Were you hoping for a full-length musical about Jeb Bush in the hip hop style of Broadway smash hit ‘Hamilton’? It's your lucky day.” - Orlando Sentinel
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/politics/political-pulse/os-20160419-story.html
“A hilarious take on the original.” - Carbonated.tv
http://www.carbonated.tv/entertainment/internet-wrote-full-length-hamilton-parody-to-mock-jeb-bush
“The Pulitzer Prize committee should just give next year’s drama award out now to [Jeb!: An American Disappointment.]” - The Week
http://theweek.com/speedreads/619509/relive-comedy-tragedy-that-jeb-bushs-candidacy-jeb-musical
“...the sheer number of references they make to the events of this year’s election is impressive.” - The Wrap
http://www.thewrap.com/hamilton-parody-mocks-jeb-bushs-failed-presidential-campaign/
"The meter is nonexistent and every line is reduced to just end rhyme. This is some first draft, 'no bad ideas' shit." - Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble, Internet Commenter
“The other day I read about a group of college students who had written a “Hamilton” musical parody about Jeb Bush. Could any idea sound less funny and more like a homework assignment?” - The Washington Post
JEB!
AN AMERICAN DISAPPOINTMENT! (Please Clap)
A story of the tortoise and the Hair (who shot him)
#YayJebby #PleaseJustClap #Jeb4Ham
Authors
(in alphabetical order by last name):
Anna Abraham
Maitreyi Anantharaman
Emma Bilbrey
Alex Cohen
Zach Cohen
Rachel Cohn
Sam Daitzman
Katie DeWitt
Alejandro Espinosa
Cassidy Hill
Luke Hoban
Molly Lippitt
Andreia Matos
Sophia Morales
Bridget Mountford
Caylene Parrish
Ariel Sauri
Hannah Schmitt
Sam Sledzieski
Rebecca Tarnopol
With assistance from:
Aliza Abarbanel, Chloe Arnold, Lukia Artemakis, Anique Barch, Adrian Belmes, Rohit Biswas, Jessica Borin, Elise Brown, Joshua Burton, Alexis Carel, Deborah Chai, Petrina Chan, Brandon Chang, Michael Chin, Phoebe Clark, Stefan Colton, Joshua Cross-Barnet, Lauren Dattilo, Payton De La Cruz, Zach De Ocampo, Mary Warren Dickens, Forest Edwards, Zach Ehrlich, Ross Floyd, Haley Fica, Stephen Friedrich, Sarah Harvard, Maddie Hartke, JT Hinchen, Jemma Howlett, Meghana Jayam, Kathrin Kajderowicz, Juliana Kaplan, Samantha Kargilis, Rebecca Ki, Dylan King, Michael Lahanas, Allyson Larcom, Alex Liao, Julia Machado, Jessica Malerman, Graedon Martin, Ethan Mark, Jade Matias Bell, Oren Maximov, Logan Metiz, Rachel Miga, Rekha Mohan, Zach Palumbo, Jenny Park, Evan Pincus, Anna Piwowar, Marisa Ray, Sam Rizer, Janine Rogers, Daniel Ruiz-Betancourt, Asya Sagnak, Emmet Sandberg, Caroline Sarkozi, Alan Silberberg, Pranav Sharma, Zach Silberberg, Apitha Srivicharnkul, Ruthie Stewart, Jessie Sparacino, Mason Tipton, Nathan Trivers, Eli Udler, Lucas Unze, Riley Woodford
Cast List
(Hamilton) Jeb! Bush: Please Clap
(Burr) Donald Trump: He Can Assure You, Everything’s Working
(Washington) George W Bush: Our Nation’s Decider
(John Laurens) John McCain: His Only Regret is Sarah
(Lafayette) Lindsey Graham: His Party Has Gone Batshit
(Hercules Mulligan) Chris Christie: Bridges Hate Him
(Eliza): Florida Voters: Jeb Loves Them
(Angelica): Florida Interests: Jeb Wants to Be With Them
(Peggy) Florida Money: We Know It’s There
(King George) Bill Clinton/Barack Obama/Hillary Clinton: Evil Democrats
(Charles Lee) Sarah Palin: Almost Vice President (Wheeee!)
(Jefferson) Ted Cruz: Ready to Kill Again
(Madison): John Kasich: Aw Jeez People
(John Adams) Mitt Romney: Just Wants a Trump Steak
(Maria Reynolds) Intern from PR: Seduces Jeb With Promises of Virality
(Philip Hamilton) Marco Rubio: Sippin’ Water Since 2013
(Samuel Seabury) Bernie Sanders: Let Him Just Say This
(Grandpa Schuyler) Ben Carson: Those Hands...
(Theodosia) Ivanka Trump: Donald’s One True Love (After Himself)
Song List
- (Alexander Hamilton) Jeb! Bush, Exclamation Point
- (Aaron Burr, Sir) Donald Trump, Chump
- (My Shot) My (Exclamation) Point!
- (The Story of Tonight) The Story of Iraq
- (The Schuyler Sisters) The Florida Machine
- (Farmer Refuted) Sanders Refuted
- (You’ll Be Back) You’ll Be Back (To Democrats)
- (Right Hand Man) Right Wing Man
- (A Winter’s Ball) A Summer’s Rally
- (Helpless) Voting
- (Satisfied) On Our Side
- (The Story of Tonight Reprise) The Story of Iraq Reprise
- (Wait for It) Pay For It
- (Stay Alive) Stay in the Race
- (Ten Duel Commandments) Ten Debate Commandments
- (Meet Me Inside) Meet Them On Stage
- (That Would Be Enough) At Least That’s Something, Right?
- (Guns and Ships) He’s Not Mitt
- (History Has Its Eyes on You) Fox News Has Its Eyes on You
- (Yorktown) Iowa (Jeb is the Best We’ve Got)
- (What Comes Next) Who Comes Next?
- (Dear Theodosia) Dear Ivanka
- (Non Stop) Full Stop
- (What’d I Miss?) My Poll Numbers Jump
- (Cabinet Battle #1) Debate #1
- (Take a Break) Take a Break
- (Say No to This) Guac Bowls For This
- (The Room Where It Happens) Running for Office
- (Schuyler Defeated) Carson Defeated
- (Cabinet Battle #2) Debate #2
- (Washington on Your Side) G.O.P.. On Your Side
- (One Last Time) One Last Shot at the Campaign
- (I Know Him) I Know Him
- (The Adams Administration) The Romney Humiliation
- (We Know) We Know
- (Hurricane) Hurricane
- (The Reynolds Pamphlet) The Guac Bowl Memes
- (Burn) Bern
- (Blow Us All Away) Blow Up Your Campaign
- (Stay Alive (Reprise) Stay In The Race (Reprise)
- (It’s Quiet Uptown) It’s Gentle Down South
- (The Election of 1800) The Election of 2016
- (Your Obedient Servant) Your Obedient Vice President
- (Best of Wives and Best of Women) Best of Friends to Sleep With
- (The World Was Wide Enough) The Field Was Wide Enough
- (Who Lives, who Dies, Who Tells Your Story) Who Wins, Who Drops, Who Memes Your Story
ACT I
1. Jeb! Bush, Exclamation Point
*DUN DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH*
*doo dee doo doo*
Trump: How does the pampered brother, son of a George and a Barbara,
Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot with some Floridians,
By politics and Charles Koch’s donations
Grow up to somehow miss the nomination
Christie: The million-dollar, front runner, engraving gunner[1]
Got no farther by working no harder
By being no smarter
By being a non-starter
By 45, they placed him in charge of a state charter
Cruz: And everyday while votes were being written and cast away across the states
Jeb refused to be a goner;
Inside he was ready to be just like his father
But his brother was the one who the country went and honored
Kasich: Then a recount came[2]
And litigation rained
Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain
Called some lawyers to his office,
And started up a campaign
And he wrote his first refrain:
An exclamation[3] by his name
Trump: Well the word got around, they said
“This campaign is lame, man.
Took up a collection just to give the guy some game, man
Get yourself some donors
Don’t forget your family name
We already know your name, what’s your name, man?
Jeb: Jeb Bush, exclamation point.
My name is Jeb Bush, exclamation point.
And there’s a million things I haven’t done
But please just clap, please just clap.[4]
Florida: At 56 his brother split, term up, low rating
Next election saw McCain and his Party’s lead fading
What a joke
They realized they were quickly losing votes
(a hushed whisper) And Obama got elected and the Party went croak
GW: Thought he’d run the next time[5] but Romney went and shoved him aside,
Left him with nothing but family pride,
Something new inside, a voice
Saying “Jeb exclamation point, you should go”
He started retweeting and meeting every foe of Barry O.
Trump: There would have been more things left to do
For someone more astute
He would have regained and restituted
the Bush family institution
Started working, lurking on his big brother’s fan boards
Reframing something dumb he said, an image he can ill afford
Scanning for every soundbite he can get his hands on
Planning for the future, see him now as he plans for
That convention, heading towards Cleve-LAND[6]
In Cleveland, get the nomination!
Ensemble: In Cleveland, get that nomination! (Just you clap)
In Cleveland, get that nomination! (Just you clap)
In Cleveland, get that nomination!
In Clevelanddddd
JUST YOU CLAP!!
Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
We are waiting with an “eh” for you
You always backed down
And Donald beat you every TIII-II-IIIIME, OHHHH
Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
America shrugs for you
Do they know what you overcame?
Do they know that you’re kind of lame?
The World will prob’ly be the same
Trump: Jeb is on the campaign trail, see if you can spot him
Company: Just you clap
Trump: Another Bush brother,
Scraped from the barrel’s bottom
Company: Just you clap
Trump: The Donald Trump destroyed his rep,
America said “Not him”
Cruz/Kasich/Christie/Graham: We fought with him
Voters: We, we… heard of him?
W: Me, I trusted him.
Rubio: Me, I loved him [daddy].
Trump: And me?
(music cuts out)
I’m up in the polls, 20, 30 points,
And then there’s Jeb, he’s got like 5 points,
He’s an embarrassment to his family, low energy,
What a sad, sad man, he’s a mess.
Ensemble: There is one big thing you’ve never done,
But just you clap.
Trump: What’s your name again?
All: Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point!
2. Donald Trump, Chump
Chorus: Two thousand and fifteen. Washington DC.
Jeb: Pardon me, are you Donald Trump, Chump?
Trump: That depends, who’s asking?
Jeb: Oh, uhmp, humph, I’m Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point, I’m at your service, Chump.
I have been…looking for you.
Trump: I’m getting nervous.
Jeb: Grump, I heard your name in New York, I was seeking to campaign for an elected office, when I got in this line due to this last name of mine. You prob’ly know it, my bro and dad both - they guided as they presided —
Trump: You mean as President?
Jeb: Yes! I want to lead this country, governed Florida, I ran and got elected, they looked at me like I was lame, I’m not lame. But for the general. How did George win double terms?
Trump: It goes to show just what the people will affirm.
Jeb: It’s coercion! Of course!
I’m his brother! God, I wish he hadn’t swore
That we were fighting a just war, Iraq lost us so much more
Trump: Can I buy you a Trump Steak[7]?
Jeb: That would be nice.
Trump: While we’re talking let me offer you some deal advice
Talk…loud.
Say dumb shit.
Don’t let them know that you’re a raging hypocrite.
Jeb: You can’t be serious.
Trump: If you wanna get ahead,
Fools who are low-energy, wind up…Jeb.
Christie: Y-Y-Yo yo yo yo!
What time is it?
McCain: Vote time!
Trump: ...Like I said…
McCain: Vote time, vote time.
Yo, I’m John McCain right here in DC!
Couple pints of Budweiser[8] but I’m working for free!
Those Democrats don’t want it with me,
Cause I will take down these lib’rals ‘till we succeed!
Graham: Yes, yes, my friends, it is I, Lindsey Graham
South Carolina’s charming conservative front-man
I came from the South just to speak with my mouth
Use my soothing accent to get to
The White House
Christie: Braaah! Braahh! I am Governor Chris Christie
Up in it, lovin’ it, runnin’ the Garden State, New Jersey
Close down your bridges[9] and SubwaysTM, delays
These days, the gays are ablaze, please pass the mayonnaise?
Graham: No more time for handshakes with Obama
Let’s raise a couple to our Party’s melodrama.
McCain: Well if it ain’t the prodigy of Fordham[10] Uni!
Christie: Donald Trump!
McCain: Give us a pump, say what you see.
Trump: Good luck with that, you're all gonna lose
You sit, Imma spit, we’ll see who they choose
McCain: Trump, the election’s imminent, what do you gloat for?
Jeb: If you stand for everything, Trump, what will you vote for?
McCain/Christie/Graham: Woah who are you,
Oh, it’s you,
We know you, dude,
Yet another Bush Brother, what’s he gonna do
3. My (Exclamation) Point
Jeb: I am not throwin’ away mah point!
Not throwin’ away mah exclamation - point!
Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,
And I’m not throwin’ away mah point!
Imma score support from the RNC,
I prob’ly shouldn’t brag but dang who else could it be?
Gonna win the nomination, save the GOP
Every day makin’ my way to the Presidency, you know it’s me
I’m the next Bush up in line, but unlike my big Bro
I told the Ivies no and taught the kiddies down in Mexico
That’s where I met a stunner, this biddie named Columba[11]
Learned some Español[12], scored her numba, and from huh (her)
I have gained a really lovely wife, true love of my life
And with her assistance we’ll win the Latino vote, right?
The plan is to man this platform and campaign
But I guess if Imma run then I should spell out my name.
I am the J-O, H-N, E-L, L, I-S, B-U, S-H, well
They call me Jeb, and that’s all fine and swell
Meanwhile these Democrats makin’ me yell, and Hell
Be the POTUS? Yeah, I guess I might as well.
Cause Barack’s left this land with an awful smell
He ain’t never gonna stop the gangs and drug cartels
So we need a new election, stop this infidel
Alarm bells
Ensemble: Go off as the Party yells
Jeb: But just watch as this Bush drops some mad bombshells
Imma put this nation back under my family’s spell
Cause sweet Jebby’s rhymes flowin’ like hot caramel
(CHORUS x 2)
Graham: I dream of neocon presidencies
Looks like November we will see GOP
GOP, how you say? A House Majority?
The progressive side’s dead with Bernie and Hillary
That’s a--
All (as Lindsey air dribbles a fake basketball and swishes into invisible hoop): Point!
Christie: Yo, I’m Springsteen’s[13] biggest fanboy
Spending 80 grand at the Giants’ concession stands[14], boy
I’m joinin’ up with Donald cause I’m sure it’s my chance
To advance, maybe he’ll let me be his vice presidance
Eh, you get my
All (as Chris Christie serves and spikes a fake volleyball): Point!
McCain: But we’ll never be truly free
Until we balance out this extreme far right GOP
All of you, gotta do what’s right for the Party
This Party, it’s about time to get this shit started
Like Pink!
All: Exclamation point!
Trump: Geniuses, move off to the side
I’m gonna make this election cycle one wild ride
I’m the orange, crass loud-mouth who can’t be stopped
You’re gonna be publicly taught; at debates, you’re gonna get mocked!
Jeb: Hey, Trump: Knock, knock,
Who’s there? What a shock, it’s Jebby from the block
I’m servin’ up some spicy guac[15], and it’s hotter than hot
If you can’t eat it you can leave it, and step right off my jock
What are the odds that God would put us all in one spot?
Poppin a squat on conventional politics like it or not
A buncha mediocre ammunition-friendly scared evangelists
Give me a donation—show me where the PAC money is!
Oh am I talking too soft?
I never get over excited, or ever shoot off,
I’ve never had a group of friends before.
I promise I won’t tick y’all off.
Someone (worried): Should we put him in front of a crowd…?
Jeb: I am not throwin’ away mah point!
Not throwin’ away mah exclamation point!
Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,
I am not throwin’ away mah point!
I am not throwin’ away mah point!
Not throwin’ away mah exclamation point!
Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,
I am not throwin’ away mah point!
Jeb Supporter: Everybody sing!
Jeb! Jeb! Who is heeeee? Who is heeeee? Who is heeee? Yeah!
Who-oo-oo is heeeee? (Shout it to the rooftops!)
Who is heeeee? (I said shout it to the rooftops!)
Who is hee?! (C’mon!)
Yeah! (C’mon, let’s go!)
Jeb: Rise up!
When your brother’s in command, you rise up!
When Trump is out of hand, you rise up!
Tell my mother that I’m gonna rise up!
Chorus: God, when is he gonna rise up?
He’s so damn drab; please speak up!
God, when is he gonna rise up?
He’s so damn drab; please speak up!
Rise up!
Jeb: I’ve imagined this so much it feels more like a memory
How’m I gonna I win this? Beg and plead? Collect even more money?
I can feel it coming; I’ve got to run. Jeb don’t let it be!
2016 will be the year for me!
I never thought I’d live to see the day
When it’d be Jeb’s turn to have it his way
Ask any Bush why we go to war and beat Gore, settle our scores,
We’ve got to take the fast lane and the back door.
Scratch that, this is not the fast lane, it’s a campaign
Where the nomination’s a guarantee of your future reign
Dems oppose us, we take a right wing stand
We roll like Reagan, claimin’ our promised land.
And if I win the nomination? Is that a guarantee of saving our dear nation?
Or will the votes we lost begin an endless cycle of filibusters and stagnation?
I know the rallies for the Trump are excitin’, but Jesus,
Between all the screamin’ and lyin’ I’ve been speakin’ and sighin’.
We need to handle the far-right situation!
Are we a Party for bigots? Who’s our front runner blamin’?
I’m past policy ‘splainin! I’m relatively spendin’ every PAC donation
Every ad is an act of insultation!
I’m cryin in the face of polls that give me zero
But I got to be America’s hero
Chorus: And I am not throwin’ away mah point!
Not throwin’ away mah exclamation - point!
Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,
I am not throwin’ away mah point!
I am not throwin’ away mah point!
Not throwin’ away mah exclamation - point!
Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,
I am not throwin’ away mah point!
4. The Story of Iraq
Jeb: I may haved lived to see two Gulf Wars.
Christie/McCain/Graham: I may have lived to see two Gulf Wars.
Jeb: But I would love to send troops back.
Christie/McCain/Graham: But I would love to send troops back.
Jeb: And when our children tell our story...
Christie/McCain/Graham: And when our children tell our story...
Jeb: They’ll tell the story of Iraq.
Christie: They’ll tell the story of Iraq.
McCain: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq.
Graham: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq.
Jeb: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq.
McCain: Raise a glass to Freedom
Something we can give the Middle East
No matter what they tell us
Raise a glass to Saddam Hussein.
McCain/Christie: Remember we blew out his brain.
McCain/Christie/Graham: Telling the story of Iraq.
Jeb: They’ll tell the story of Iraq.
McCain/Christie/Graham: Raise a glass to Freedom
Something we can give the Middle East
Jeb: No matter what they tell us
Christie/Graham: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq
McCain: Raise a glass to Saddam Hussein
Jeb/McCain/Christie/Graham: Remember we blew out his brain
Jeb/McCain: Telling the story of Iraq
Christie/Graham: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq.
Jeb/McCain/Ensemble: They’ll tell the story of Iraq They’ll tell the story of Iraq They’ll tell the story of Iraq | Christie/Graham/Ensemble: Raise a glass to freedom Raise a glass to freedom They’ll tell the story of— |
Ensemble: Iraq
5. The Florida Machine
Trump: The thing all politicians love most
Is goin’ down South and panderin’ for votes
They pull up in their super PACs and gawk
At the voters in the districts just to watch ‘em talk
Take a look at Florida, its machine is loaded,
But oh oh, little does it know
That its cogs—money, interests, and the voters—
Work together moving candidates like motors
Ensemble: *Vote, vote!*
Interests: The interest groups
Ensemble: *Vote, Vote*
Voters: The voters
Money: And money!
Ensemble: *Vote, Vote*
V/I/M: The Florida Machine!
Interests: Interests
Money: Money
Voters: The voters.
V/I/M: VOTE!
Money: Florida said to not buy campaign ads.
Interests: Florida doesn’t need to know.
Money: Florida said to vote for guys who look like dads.
Voters: Seems like the way to go.
Interests: But, look around, look around
Election year is happening in Florida,
Florida,
America….VOTE
Money: Bad enough there’s no single candidate.
Voters: People need a nominee.
Money: Bad for me when the establishments abate
Interests: Which cand-i-date is for me.
Money: Look around, look around, in-ter-ests, remind me what you’re looking for.
Jeb [very hopefully]: Are you looking for me?
Interests: Um, nah, I’m looking for a mind that works (works)
Looking for a mind that works (works)
Looking for a mind that works.
Woo-aoaoh wooahoahoa eee WORKS! (woo!)
Trump: There’s nothin’ like runnin’ in the South.
Voters listen up: Imma run my big mouth.
Excuse me sir, I know it’s not funny,
But your money smells like… well, like it smells like money.
Why you spendin’ all your time with those nasty PACs
Take a big gulp of Trump, sit back and relax.
Interests: Trump, you disgust me.
Trump: Ah, so you’ve discussed me!
GOT A SMALL LOAN OF A MILLION[16], YOU CAN TRUST ME.
Interests: I’ve been readin’ Reaganomics and Ayn Rand,
Atlas Shrugged tricklin’ through my mind like sand
You don’t want a revolution, you want that nomination
We give no fucks ‘bout Obama’s nation.
V/I/M: We hold these truths to be self evident
That white men are created equal.
Interests: And when I meet Mr. Teddy Cruz (OH)
Imma tell him to keep the Democrats out the sequel… VOTE!
Voters: Look around, look around at how
Many candidates are still alive right now.
Voters/Money: Look around, look around at how
Many candidates are still alive right now.
V/I/M: Election year is happening, we’re attacking and we just happen to be in the sketchiest state in the U.S.! IN THE SKETCHIEST STATE IN THE U.S.! (VOTE!!)
Interests: I’ve been readin’ Reaganomics and Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged tricklin’ down through my mind like sand You don’t want a revolution You want the nomination We give no fucks ‘bout Obama’s nation. | Voters/Money: Look around, look around Election year is happening in Florida! Florida! |
V/I/M: We hold these truths to be self evident
That white men are created equal (woo!)
Look around, look around at how
Many candidates are still alive right now.
Ensemble: Election year is happening,
We’re attacking and we just happen to be
In the sketchiest state in the U.S.!
IN THE SKETCHIEST STATE IN THE U.S.!
(VOTE!!)
Ensemble: *Vote, vote!*
Interests: The interest groups
Ensemble: *Vote, Vote*
Voters: The voters
Money: And money!
Ensemble: *Vote, Vote*
V/I/M: The Florida Machine!
Interests: Interests
Money: Money
Voters: The voters.
V/I/M: VOTE!
V/I/M: We’re lookin’ for a mind that
Jeb (again, hopefully): Works, works?
V/I/M (looking alarmed) Hey…
Jeb (with more confidence): Works, works!
V/I/M (backing nervously away from Jeb): HEY!
Jeb: WORKS! WORKS!
V/I/M (turning their backs on Jeb completely): WHOAA!
(Jeb gives up trying to be the main ensemble guy and slinks sadly into the background)
V/I/M: In the sketchiest state, in the sketchiest state, in the uu--uuu--uuUU-S!
Everyone: IN THE SKETCHIEST STATE IN THE U.S.! (VOTE!)
6. Sanders Refuted
Bernie (yelling and wildly gesturing[17]): Hear ye, hear ye!
My name is Bernie Sanders, and I present
“Free Thoughts on the Proceedings of the War on Terror!”
Heed not the right wing, who scream about ISIS,
They have not your interests at heart.
Christie: Oh my god, tear this socialist apart.
Bernie: Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution
Don’t let them lead you to war
This Congress does not speak for me.
Trump: Loser! Weak!
Bernie: The oil is calling their names.
I pray U.N. shows you their mercy
For shame… for shame...
Jeb: He’d have you all right in his pocket, make you scream but the threat of ISIS is coming, You have no plan, we’ve gotta win this. It’s hard to listen to you with a straight face Regime change and bloodshed already haunt us Honestly, you should take a pause, What about Benghazi? They are to name for all of our pain and you want to blame Congress? | Bernie: Heed not the right wing, who scream about ISIS, They have not your interests at heart Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution Don’t let them lead you to war This Congress does not speak for me. |
Jeb: My dad speaks more eloquently.
Bernie: They’re playing a billionaire’s game.
Jeb: But strangely, your age seems the same.
Bernie: I pray U.N. shows you their mercy!
Jeb: Would they even do anything?
Bernie: For shame!
Jeb: For the nomination!
Bernie: For shame!
All: For the nomination!
Bernie: Heed!
Jeb: If you keep shouting, man, I swear I’m gonna-
Bernie/Jeb: Scream!
Jeb: Honestly, look at me, please don’t run.
Bernie: Not your interests!
Jeb: Don’t run for candidacy and then not debate with me
Why should the silent majority be regulated by liberality?
Trump: Jeb, let the big boys speak.
Jeb: Trump, I’d rather be low-energy[18] than paid by MTV.
You’re just a celebrity!
Chorus: Silence! A message from the Prez! A message from the Prez! A message from the Prez!
7. You’ll Be Back (To Democrats)
Bill Clinton: You say… my vice-president’s not a pres who you’re willing to take.
You cry… when the Bush you elect sends your men overseas, off to die.
Why so mad?
Remember we had all the 90s for me to be great
Now your choices seem bad
Remember despite the impeachment, I’m your man.
You’ll be back, soon you’ll see
You’ll remember our Democracy
You’ll be back, time will tell
You’ll remember that we’ve served you well.
F-D-R, J-F-K
Even Carter’s looking kind of great
And when the time comes to vote
I will send a fully armed First Lady to keep the Democrats afloat
Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da
Da da dat dat dayyyyya da
Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da
Da da dat dat dayyyyya da
You say our Party’s liberal, and you don’t pick Gore
You’ll be the one complaining when you’re at war
And no don’t change the subject,
Benghazi’s not the subject
Lewinsky’s not the subject
She’s my least favourite subject
I’m clever
So clever
So clever, so clever, so clever...
You’ll be back, like before
You will fight the fight and lose the war
Vietnam, napalm flames
You Republicans are all the same
When you’re here, we go mad
So don’t give these fools a DC pad
When you vote, face the facts
Please, oh please, choose my dear Hillbear
And I’ll let you play my sax
SAXOPHONE SOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (to the same tune)
[19]Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da
Da da dat dat dayyyyya da
Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da
Da da dat dat dayyyyya - EVERYBODY
Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da
Da da dat dat dayyyyya da
Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da
Da da dat dat dayyyyya daaaaa duhhhhhh
8. Right Wing Man
Ensemble: The Democratic Party has their official candidates
Three experienced politicians in Georgetown's harbor
Hillary, Bernie, O’Malley – who’ll campaign harder?
Democrats have their troops, they surround our troops
Who even are our troops?
Jeb: As the child of the president I wished for some more,
I wanted to be more,
I knew I had to run a campaign!
If they tell my story I am either gonna die in Florida
Or run a great campaign!
I will run for this land
But there’s only one man who can lend me a hand for this campaign!
Understand, he already ran a winning campaign, Campaign!
Here he comes.
Ensemble: Here comes GW.
Trump: Ladies, Gentlemen, and Rosie O’Donnell[20],
Ensemble: Here comes GW.
Trump: The moment you’ve been waiting for,
Ensemble: Here comes GW.
Trump: The pride of Kennebunkport[21],
Ensemble: Here comes GW
Trump: George Dubya.
GW: We are outspent! The Dems expand!
Outnumbered, outplanned.
We gotta take a campaign stand
Ayo I’m gonna need a right wing man.
Check it
Can I be George a second
Your brother boy a second
Let down my guard and tell my broski how I feel a second?
Now I’m the model of a conservative president
The republican decider[22] and strategerer[23] whose men are all lining up
To throw me down a toilet bowl, writin’ articles to little kids ruining my very reputation
But the elephant is in the room:
The truth is in your face when you see our Party’s future go boom.
Any hope of success is fleeting
How can the right have any hope of leading when Trump is succeeding?
Can’t put a stop to conceding, lose Scott Walker[24] and Jindal[25]
Night takes Mike[26] and Rand[27].
We are outspent! The Dems expand!
Outnumbered, outplanned.
We gotta take a campaign stand
Ayo I’m gonna need a right wing man.
Incoming!
Jeb: Trump’s battering down the candidates, check the damages. RAH!
We gotta stop him, our Party’s image he mismanages
Let’s take a stand with the candidate God has granted us
Jeb’s got his exclamation point
Let’s rally behind this man.
GW: Sha-boom! Go the polls
Watch the Trump have his hay day, and
Sha-boom! Go the polls
We’re abandoning Carly[28]?
BOOM!
There’s goes Santorum, Rick![29]
BOOM!
We’ve just lost another Rick!
PERRY![30]
We gotta stomp Hillary quick, we can’t afford another slip
Polls and numbers addin’ up
The Party starts to divvy up our forces,
They’re skittish as Trump cuts the competition up
This close to giving up, we’re all losing brutally
I scream in the face of this conservative mutiny!
Are these the men who are to rule America?
We fight in February, DC in the distance
I cannot be your President again people,
I’m in dire need of assistance.
Trump: Hey, you, uhhh.
GW: Who are you?
Trump: Donald Trump, duhh. Can I tell you something?
GW: I guess.
Trump: So...
I built a great company, one of the greatest
Yeah, I’ve had some bankruptcies[31]
But, hey, in summary
I used the law to my advantage and assistance
I’ll sure do it again—why exhibit such resistance?
GW: Huh?
Trump: I have some statements,
A couple of replacements,
On how to make this country great again.
GW: Yes?
Trump: Well...
Jeb: Brother, you wanted to see me?
GW: Jeb, come in, have you met Trump?
Trump: Yeah, it’s really sad. Jeb: Yes, we keep mee—oh
Trump: As I was saying, chump, I look forward to winning and seeing my way out.
GW: Trump?
Trump: Dump.
GW: Close the door on your way out.
*doo dee da duh*
Jeb: Have I done something wrong, bro?
GW: On the contrary.
I called you here because our odds are beyond scary
Your poll numbers are beneath you, but I have to ask—
Jeb: Bro?
GW: Jeb, how come so few have endorsed your ass?
Jeb: Aw, come on!
GW: Don’t get me wrong—you’re a governor of great renown.
I know our own last name carries a lot of sway downtown.
Both Mitt and John McCain should go behind you.
Jeb: The support of a bunch of losers? I don’t think so.
GW: Why are you upset?
Jeb: I’m not.
GW: It’s alright, you wanna win, you’ve got a hunger
I was just like you when I was governor.
Head full of fantasies of tax cuts and Iraq—
Jeb: Yes.
GW: Bombing is easy, lil bro, ruling’s a shock.
Jeb: Why are you telling me this?
GW: I’m being honest: We need someone electable who can get into that office
Our Party is a powder keg, about to explode,
We need a moderate to lighten the load. So?
Ensemble: I am not throwin’ away mah point!
Not throwin’ away mah exclamation point!
Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,
Jeb: I am not throwin’ away mah point!
GW: Bro, we are outspent! The Dems expand!
Jeb: The establishment needs all the help it can get, I have some friends
McCain, Christie, even Lindsey Graham. Okay, what else?
GW: Outnumbered, outplanned!
Jeb: We’ll need some Dems from the inside,
Some of Hill’s men who might let some emails slide[32].
I’ll write to Priebus[33] and tell him I need supplies, to rally the guys,
Help my campaign grow to a new size.
I’ll travel ‘cross our nation, giving speeches, turtles[34], vocation—
There won’t be another Bush vacation till my inauguration!
Ensemble: Here comes GW!
Jeb: Campaign!
Ensemble: Here comes GW!
Jeb: For office!
Ensemble: Here comes GW!
Jeb: For president!
Ensemble: Here comes GW!
GW: And his right wing man!
9. A Summer’s Rally
Trump: How does the pampered, brother, son of a George,
Go on and on, run into more of a phenomenon
Watch this mediocre, soft-spoken, excuse of a governor,
Be seated at the right hand of his brother,
W endorses Jeb right on sight,
Though Jeb can’t put up much of a fight, they’re tight.
Sure, Jeb’s skill at the debates are pretty mild,
Just another thing that keeps him from being
reliable with the...
Ensemble: VOTERS!
Trump: There are so many to disempower!
Ensemble: VOTERS!
Trump: Under my rule they will cower!
Ensemble: VOTERS!
Trump: They frustrated and confused him
Malia Obama named her favorite teddy bear after him[35]!
Jeb: That’s prob’ly true!
Trump: 2015, a summer’s rally,
And the Florida machine has yet to be tallied,
Yo, if you win Florida, you start strong, son,
Jeb: Is it a question of if Trump, or what margin?
Trump/McCain/Jeb: Hey, hey, hey, hey etc.
10. Voting
Voters: Ooooh, for you, for you, for you, for you
He-ey!
Ooooh, for you, for you, for you, for you
Jeb, you got me voting!
Looking at your platform and I know your limits, I’m voting
But because I’m from your state I’m believin’ in it.
I have never been the type to try and really turn out
We were at a rally with the GOP, all burned out
Laughing with the interests as they’re controlling our nation,
Then you walked in and my heart went,
EXCLAMATION!
Tryna catch your speech as we sweat in the front room
Everybody’s hecklin and Trump’s top volume,
Saluting to the rhythm as we whine and sigh
Grab the interests and whisper,
Yo, he’s got my.
Voooote
Interests made their way across the room to you
And I get nervous thinkin’ what they gonna do
They grab you by the balls, I’m thinkin I’m through
Then you leer back at me and suddenly I’m
Voting!
Oh, look at those jowls, oh-ohhhhhh.
(Looking at your platform and I know your limits)
Voting!
(But because I’m from your state I’m believin’ in it)
Voting!
(Looking at your platform and I know your limits)
Still I will vote for you,
Still I will vote for you
(But because i’m from your state I’m believin’ in it)
Jeb: Where are you taking me?
Interests: I’m about to change your campaign!
Jeb: Please… lead the way. Please.
Voters: Floridian voters. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Jeb: Voters?
Interests: You need them.
Voters: Thank you for all your service.
Jeb: You may be thinking of my brother, or my dad…
Interests: I’ll leave you to it!
Voters: One week later
I’m making donations nightly,
Now my luck gets better every email that you write me!
Laughing at the interests cause they want their own agenda.
Interests: I’m just sayin’, Jeb will be a really good contender.
Voters: Ha!
Two weeks later in the debate room stressin’
Megyn Kelly stone-faced as you’re askin’ for the presses,
I’m dyin’ inside as you whine and sigh,
And I’m tryin’ not to cry
Cause there’s nothing your legacy can’t
Do
Kelly makes her way across the room to you
I panic for a second thinkin’ you’re through
But then she shakes your hand and says, “I guess you’ll do.”
And you turn back to me leering,
Voting!
(CHORUS)
This Bush is fine, this Bush is fine.
Jeb: Voters, I got millions of dollars to my name,
Acres of land, troops to command,
And all my father’s fame,
I may not have charisma, a tolerance for pain,
But I’ve got American values and a moderate campaign,
Insane, your machine brings out a different side of me
Money will side with me, interests tried to take a bite of me!
No stress, my love for you is never in doubt,
We’ll get a condo in Orlando and we’ll figure it out.
I’ve had a presidential family since I was a child,
My father ran, my brother won, every campaign that they filed,
But I’ll never forget my first vote, without a doubt,
As long as I’m in the race, voters, I swear to God you’ll always turn out
Voting!
Voters: For you, for you, for you for you!
Jeb: My voters…
Voters: For you, for you, for you for you!
Jeb: I’m gonna get you
Voters: Voting
Jeb: Yeah!
Voters: Because I’m from your state I’m believin’ in it!
Jeb: Yo, my campaign’s gon’ be fine because my home state’s with it
Voters: I look at your platform and I know your limits!
I...I..I…..
Voters/Company: But because I’m from your state I’m believin’ in it!
(wedding music plays)
Company: In Cleveland, get the nomination
In Cleveland, get the nomination
In Cleveland, get the nomination...
Voters: Voting
11. On Our Side
Rally announcer: Alright, alright! I guess this turn-out is something. Now, everyone give it up for Florida’s number one influence, the Special Interest Groups!
Interests: A toast to our Jeb!
Company: To our Jeb! To our Jeb! To our Jeb!
Interests: Jeb Bush!
Company: Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush!
Interests: From your supporters
Company: The interest group… The interest groups
Interests: Who’ll give your campaign a push
Company: A push…
Interests: To your nomination
Company: To the RNC! To the GOP!
Interests: And the hope that you’ll provide
Company: Provide… provide
Interests: May you always
Company: Always
Interests: Be on our side
Company: Rewind
Interests: Rewind
Rewind
Rewind
We remember that night we just might
Rewind
We remember that night we just might
Rewind
We remember that night
We remember that
(doo doo doo do doo doo doo doo do)
We remember that night we just might
Remember that night for the rest of our reign,
We remember those other candidates tryna
Pander to us for their own gain,
We remember that harsh fluorescent light like a scene, wish you could escape
But Jeb, Exclamation, we’ll never forget the first time we saw your face
We have never been the same
Lackluster eyes in a dad-bod frame
And when you said “Jeb!” We forgot the dang game
Set our hearts aflame
All our parts aflame
Missin’ your last name.
Jeb: Looks to me like you could use somebody on your side.
Interests: We really don’t know what you mean, are you feeling well?
Jeb: You’re like… me! I’ve never had somebody on my side.
Interests: Is that right?
Jeb: I need somebody on my side.
Interests: We’re the Florida Special Interests.
Jeb: Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point.
Interests: What’s your platform on—
Jeb (nervously): Uh, unimportant. There’s a million things I haven’t done. Just you clap… just you clap.
Interests: So so so, so this this is what it feels like to find
Someone with brand name but a malleable mind
Less bombastic than Trump, but he’s still got some fight
He’ll prolly’ get more votes than Kasich might
And he’s still running, right?
Our conversation lasted two minutes, maybe three minutes
Every single thing we asked he agreed to, he’s
A dream candidate, we’re doing a dance
We’re gonna get his last name and get to tell him his stance
He’s a little bit lame but we gon’ give it a chance
We asked about his strategy, did you see his answer?
Hands started fidgeting, he looked entranced
Pulled a turtle from the pocket of his khaki pants[36]
Stumbling, wow, we can tell but
His win will serve us so well
We wanna get him to the head of the race
Then we get a good look at his face and he is...
Jeb: Hopeless…
Interests: And we know he is…
Jeb: Hopeless…
Interests: And his eyes are just...
Jeb: Hopeless…
Interests: And we realize
Interests/Company: Three fundamental truths at the exact same time…
Jeb: Where are you taking me?
Interests: We’re about to change your campaign.
Jeb: Please, lead the way. Please.
Company excepting Interests: Number one!
Interests: We're lobbyists in a world whose only hope is the GOP
We've got to face the facts, our super PACs, cannot be aimed at democrats,
And Jeb’s the oldest, the establishment
And our best chance to influence the government, and the dollars spent
And sure, he may not have much flair
But all that matters is that he’s a multimillionaire
Voters: Floridian voters. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Jeb: Voters?
Interests: You need them.
Company excepting Interests: Number two!
Interests: We’re after him cause he’s a Bush descendant
That elevates his status we’d
Have to be naïve to set that aside
Maybe that that is why, we introduce him to the voters
Now they’re starry-eyed
Nice going, he’s gonna get elected
With our influence as his guide
Voters: Thank you, for all your service.
Jeb: You may be thinking of my brother… or dad…
Interests: I’ll leave you to it!
Company: Number three!
One Interest: I know these voters like I know my own mind
You will never find any group as gullible or blind
If I tell them to support him they will happily comply
They’ll be mine!
Interests: We’ll say he’s fine.
Interests/Company: We’ll be lying!
Interests: Cause when we fantasize at night it’s Dubya’s campaign
As we romanticize what might have happened if he hadn't made
Mistakes so quickly
At least our Jeb is still in the game
At least we get someone with the name
Interests: To our Jeb!
Company: To our Jeb! To our Jeb! To our Jeb!
Interests: Jeb Bush!
Company: Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush!
Interests: From your supporters
Company: The interest groups
The interest groups
Interests: We’ll give your campaign a push
Company: A push… a push…
Interests: To your nomination!
Company: To the RNC! To the GOP!
Interests: And the hope that you provide
Company: Provide, you provide
Interests: May you always
Company: Always
Interests: Be on our side
Company: On our side
Interests: And we know,
(shrugging and looking at each other) he’s a pretty okay guy.
And we know
He will always be on our side
He will always be on our side
12. The Story of Iraq (Reprise)
McCain: I may have lived to see two Gulf Wars!
Christie/Graham: I may have lived to see two Gulf Wars!
McCain: They were not blunders after all.
Christie/Graham: They were not blunders after all.
McCain: Cause if Halliburton stocks[37] keep rising
Christie/Graham: If Halliburton stocks keep rising
McCain: There’s hope for our ass, after all!
Graham: Raise a glass to Freedom.
Christie/Graham: Hey! Something you will never see again!
Christie: No matter what they tell us!
Graham: We’ll drink to lots more bombs tonight!
McCain: Raise a glass to Saddam Hussein!
McCain/Jeb: Ho!
Christie: Remember we blew out his brain!
McCain/Graham/Jeb: Woo!
Graham: We’ll tell the story of Iraq!
McCain: Let’s destroy ISIS in—
Jeb: Well, if it isn’t Donald Trump
Trump: Humph
Jeb: I didn’t think that you would show up.
Trump: Ha-rumph
Christie/Graham: Trump!
Trump: I came to shout insultations.
Graham: Spit a verse, Trump!
Trump: I see all of the losers here.
McCain: You are the worst, Trump!
Jeb: You’re so mean. You hurt my feelings, I’m in a slump.
I wish you’d stop bullying my friends and I, Chump.
Trump: I can’t, frump.
Jeb: Well, why not?
Trump: It’s just too easy.
You’re so sad and awkward and pathetic and cheesy—
McCain: Well, well, I heard
You’ve got a special someone on the side, Trump
Jeb: Is that so?
McCain: What are you tryin’ to hide, Trump?
Trump: You should go
Jeb: But it’s my Party
Graham: Wow
McCain: Ok...
Jeb: Leave us alone
Christie: Man…
Jeb: No more spite, Trump. I wish you’d brought this girl with you tonight, Chump.
Trump: You’re pitiful, but I’m afraid it’s unlawful, rump.
Jeb: What do you mean?
Trump: She’s related.
Jeb: I see
Trump: She’s related to me, she’s my daughter.
Jeb: Daughter… in-law?
Trump: No, my daughter. What a beauty, that one.
If I weren’t happily married and her dad…[38]
Jeb: I will never understand you
How can you say that shit, you’re so gross!
Have you no conscience?
Trump: I’ll see you on the other side of the stage.
Jeb: I’ll see you on the other side of the stage.
13. Pay for It
Trump: Our government makes bad deals every day (day, day, day)
All the deals that we make send the good jobs away (way, way, way)
Our President is a disaster
All of our iPhones are wired
Well imma fix this disaster
Cause Obama you’re fired
I would not negotiate
Between the US and Iran[39]
The worst, I can’t tell you how bad
And we keep making crappy deals
Tremendously bad
Oh so very tremendously sad
And If there’s a reason I’m gonna win
The art of the deal is my thing
Imma make them pay for it
Imma make them pay for it
My grandfather was a hotel and brownstone sella[40]
But there are many things that those old guys can’t tell ya
My mom was a philanthropist
My father gave me a small loan
Before they died, I had turned their money
Into a fortune on my own
I would not reactivate
The Cuban Embassy[41]
The deal, it’s so bad, they don’t see
And we keep making bad deals
Tremendously bad
Oh so very tremendously sad
And if there’s a reason I’m gonna win
The art of the deal is my thing
Imma make them pay for it
Imma make them pay for it
PAY FOR IT X 3
Trump: I’m gonna make Mexico pay for the wall[42]
PAY FOR IT X 4
Trump: I am up in all the polls, I’m the greatest of them all
PAY FOR IT X 4
Trump: I’m not falling behind or running late
PAY FOR IT X 4
Trump: Together we will make America great
GREAT x3
Trump: Jeb faces an endless downhill fall
FALL x3
Trump: He has everything to prove, He has so much to lose
LOSE x3
Trump: Jeb’s pace is a slow and a steady crawl
CRAWL x3
Trump: What is it like in his loser shoes?
(Interjects) I don’t know, and I don’t care
Jeb is such a big mistake
He seems like such a fake
He takes and he takes and he takes
But money can’t help his campaign
A man that’s so lame
An embarrassment to his own name
And if there’s a reason I’m gonna win
When people like Jeb make me cringe then goddammit I will make them pay for it
Imma make them pay for it.
PAY FOR IT X 4
I would not negotiate
The way we have on trade
They’re taking the good jobs away
And if China had their way
We’d fall and we’d fall
Until we were worst of them all[43]
But if there’s a reason we’re gonna win
The art of the deal’s[44] my thing
Imma make them pay for it.
14. Stay in the Race
Voters: Stay in the race….
V/I/M: Stay in the race…
Jeb: I have never, ever been so despondent
Can’t even get an appointment with a Fox correspondent
The voters write, “George, sure, but never you, doll.”
I email back, writing to kids about football[45][46]
My constituents deny us endorsements, assistance
They only scream for Donald, like he needs less resistance
GW: The voters aren’t coming!
Jeb: But you’re not running
GW: Jeb, listen, there’s only one way for us to win this
Provoke Donald, outright
Jeb: That’s right
GW: Don’t engage, stay out of sight
Let him talk himself out until there’s a fight
Jeb: Make it impossible for him to find a good sound bite
GW: Out-campaign
Jeb: Out-campaign
GW: Outclass
Jeb: Outclass
GW: Steal his wig quick, get outta town
Jeb: Wig-a-down
GW: Stay alive until this horror show is past
We’re gonna fly a lot of toupées half-mast[47]
Jeb/McCain/Graham: What an ass!
Christie: I go back to Jersey and my bridgegate scandal
Graham: I return to SC, I pray that they turn out for Jeb
McCain: I stay at work with Jebby Bush
We write speeches against Democrats
And every day’s a test of the RNC
And super PACs
Jeb: I offer folks kisses, I dodge Donald’s disses
I update my Twitter and emphasize my riches
And ev’ry day
Bro, are you sure the campaign ain’t remiss?
And ev’ry day
GW: Huh?
Jeb: With a sigh, I am dismissed
Instead of causes, he promotes awkward pauses
Foes can quickly make a stance.
Palin: Time to drill, baby, drill down!
Jeb: Yeah. I kind of want to say something, but wait—
Jeb/McCain/Graham: She never stops going off ‘bout how Trump’s great!
GW: Jeb, say something cool!
Palin: Right wingin’![48]
Jeb: I think that—
Trump: Bitter clingin’!
GW: What are you doing, bro? Say anything, go!
Jeb: But she won’t let me talk!
Palin: Proud clingers of our guns our God our religion and our—
GW: Goddamn it!
Jeb: What, bro?
GW: Let her rant, since you’re no pro.
Jeb: Yes, bro…
McCain: A thousand viewers are convinced by Sarah Palin’s speech
Graham: As she gets an interview, a platform for her to preach.
Jeb: News anchors always let her say what’s on her mind
She started saying all this stuff I cannot get behind
Palin: Washington cannot be left alone to its devices
Give Trump prices, he’ll fix all our crises
The best thing Dubyah Bush did in office is constantly whine
And leave the White House for good in ‘09.
Audience: Ooh…
GW: Don’t do a thing, you don’t have a good comeback.
Jeb: But—
GW: We have a campaign to run, save all your wisecracks
McCain: Strong words from Palin, are you gonna let them slide?
Jeb: I can’t think right now, and I’ve tried.
McCain: Then debate it.
Jeb Exclamation. You’re the only candidate I’ll join.
Jeb: McCain, do not let me forget my point.
15. Ten Debate Commandments
Ensemble: One, two, three, four, five
Six, seven, eight, nine
It’s the ten debate commandments!
Trump/Jeb/McCain/Palin: It’s the ten debate commandments!
Number One!
Palin: The challenge: demand all attention.
They won’t apologize, they just want their nightly mention.
Ensemble: Number two!
Jeb: Don’t think they’re your friends, not for a second
Trump: Talk loud, be proud, use your insults as a weapon
Ensemble: Number three!
Palin: Have your arguments face to face
Trump: Negotiate a wall…
Jeb: Or negotiate stuff for the states
Trump: But they’re everywhere, ‘specially ‘tween borders
Ensemble: Scores and scores of immigrants cause disorder! [49]
Ensemble: Number four!
Jeb: You can only speak if someone invokes your name[50]
This might not bode well for my campaign.
Rubio: Either watch what you say and speak with civility—
Trump: Or pop off at the mouth and just deny accountability
Ensemble: Five!
Sarah Palin: Honor the Republicans and Reagan[51]
Ensemble: Even though the General Election hasn’t yet begun!
Number six!
Jeb: Show off your love for the NRA[52]
Whatchu say, gotta help the gun lovers get their way
Ensemble: Seven!
Sarah Palin: Get psyched to win!
Ready for that moment of adrenaline when
The MC says the debate begins.
Ensemble: Number eight!
Ensemble: Your last chance to retaliate
Send in your insults, or else your polls will stagnate…
Trump: It’s the frump!
Jeb: It’s Jeb Bush, chump.
Trump: Can we agree that I have the best words, grump?
Jeb: *humph*
But do you know words other than China, Trump?
Trump: Mexico? We both know that’s absurd, lump.
Jeb: Full stop, you’re saying voters take you seriously with that vocabulary?
Trump: Better say a Hail Mary.
Ensemble: Number nine!
Jeb: Don’t look ‘em in they eye or give ‘em thought
Find the little courage that you’ve got
Then count.
Ensemble: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
Jeb/Trump: Number ten!
Ensemble: Take your shot!
16. Meet Them On Stage
Jeb: Graham, do you yield?
Trump: His campaign is fried; yes, he yields![53]
McCain: Now he’s by Jeb’s side[54]
Trump: Yo, we gotta shrink the field
Jeb: Jindal’s also done!
Ensemble: Here comes GW
Trump: This should be fun
GW: What is the meaning of this? What’s happening to our establishment?
Trump (eye roll): What a mess
GW: Graham, you always agree with me
And believe me, young Jeb will be the nominee
Thank you for your service
Trump: Where’s your age?!
GW: Jeb!
Jeb: Bro?
GW: Meet them on stage
Ensemble: Meet them on stage
Meet them on stage
GW: John—
Jeb: Don’t call me John
GW: This primary is hard enough without infighting
Jeb: Trump called you a liar. We called his bluff
GW: You solve nothing, you only split the Party into greater factions
Jeb: You’re absolutely right, but the voters are feeling no dissatisfaction, Trump is still way up
GW: John—
Jeb: I’m not your John—
GW: Watch your tone, I am giving strategery to the campaign, I am grown
Jeb: Sarah Palin, Donald Trump,
These fools take our name
And they keep on making fun
GW: Our names been through a lot, we can take it
Jeb: Well I am not a George, I don’t have your titles,
I am just a Jeb
But if you—
GW: No.
Jeb: If I caught them in a web
Of their lies, launch attacks on Trump,
I could fly above my polls, win over votes
GW: You cannot attack, Jeb, we need you intact
Jeb: I’m more than ready to attack—
GW: Your voters need in you intact, John, I need you intact—
Jeb: Call me John one more time.
GW: Go debate, Jeb, exclamation. Thats an order from your former head-of-nation.
17. At Least That’s Something, Right?
Voters: Look around, look around, an election year is happening in our state right now.
Look around, look around.
Jeb: How long have you known?
Voters: A month or so.
Jeb: Voters, you should have told me.
Voters: I tweeted at George W. a month ago.
Jeb: No.
Voters: I begged him to send you home
Jeb: You should have told me
Voters: I’m not sorry
I knew you’d campaign until the primary was won…
Jeb: The primary’s not done!
Voters: But you deserve a chance to meet your son.
Look around, look around, an election year is happening in our state right now.
Jeb: Will you relish being a loser’s constituents?
Unable to represent your values…
Voters: I relish being your constituents.
Look around, look around…
Look at where you are.
Look at where you started.
The fact that you’re in the race… well, it’s not a miracle.
But stay in the race. At least that’s something, right?
And if Little Marco[55]
Shares of a fraction of your jowls
Or a fragment of your meekness,
Look out, America,
At least that’s something, right?
I don’t pretend to know
The challengers you’re facing
The flubs you keep creating
And… recreating every day.
But I’m not afraid.
I know who I support.
So long as you win Florida at the end of the day,
At least that’s something, right?
You have quite a legacy.
You have lots of money.
If I could give you personality,
If you would let me show my heart...
Oh, let me be a part of the Jeb campaign,
Of the tweets they’ll quote on Buzzfeed.
Oh, let this be the first election,
Where Florida is what you need...
At least it’s something, right?
At least we’re something, right?
At least that’s something, right…
18. He’s Not Mitt
Anderson Cooper: How does an uncouth, outsider, sexist, the owner of towers
Come to speak for a global superpower?
How will the GOP recover from this—
Trump: You’re fired!
Megyn Kelly: Leaves the moderators hurting, disconcerted, and tired
Yo. Polls are predicting armageddon
The Bush brother we know but don’t love is seriously slippin’
Trump’s constantly confusing, dodgin’ the simplest question
What the hell’s happening to America’s greatest institution?
V/I/M: Trump’s a threat!
Trump (pointing at Megyn Kelly): I’m saying this pig is insane there was blood comin’
out of—I’ll refrain[56]
V/I/M: Trump’s a threat
Trump: And I’m never gonna stop until I make Jeb
Drop, admit defeat, and raise his hands in shame, cause
V/I/M: Trump’s a threat
Trump: Watch me engagin’ em, escapin’ em, enragin’ em! No.
V/I/M: Trump’s a threat
Trump: I’ve got myself for most funds
V/I/M: Trump’s a threat
Trump: The Don can’t be outdone
Trump/Ensemble: (He’s)
Not Mitt
And so the Party shifts
GW: What’s happ’ning to the GOP? How could Trump form these rifts!
Trump: We could end this thing by Florida, know who it’ll be, but
For me to succeed, there’s something I still need
GW: I know
V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!
Trump: George, I know I can’t be with that wench (pointing at Megyn Kelly)
Disagreeable and pungent in stench, I mean.
V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!
Trump: George, they’re gonna have to pick me eventually!
What’s Jeb offering as defence? I mean
V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!
Trump: They all see my resilience
And recognize entrepreneurial brilliance
V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!
Trump: They’re gonna fight for our land back!
V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!
GW: You’ll steer us down the wrong track
Trump: Needs a right
wing man back
V/I/M: Needs a right
wing man back
Trump: You know we gotta get a right
wing man back
V/I/M: A right
wing man back
V/I/M: MURICAN!
Trump: I am the one who’s gonna
Win this damn election
Fix the Muslim infection
And get our right wing man back
GW: Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
Troops I sent to war are haunting you,
If we change tactics now, together we can turn the tide
Oh, Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
I haven’t been the best brother it’s true
But if you continue the fight
We might still make this thing right
The world could still remain the same, little brother...
19. FOX News Has Its Eyes On You:
GW: I was dumber than you are now
When I was issued a DUI[57]
I thought the Rangers would attract more fame[58]
But as America’s number one guy
They smeared my every mistake
My PR team cried with me
In the White House I lie and fake
Knowing FOX News has its eyes on me
Jeb/GW: FOX News has its eyes on me.
GW: Let me tell you, bro, I wish I’d known
When I was high on Texas glory
You have no control
GW/Company: Who wins, who drops, who memes your story
GW: Florida was quite a win
I know those schmucks believe in you
But take this warning from your kin
Jeb/GW/Company: FOX News has its eyes on you.
Full Company: FOX News has its eyes on you.
20. Iowa (Jeb is the Best We’ve Got)
Ensemble: The Iowa Caucuses, two thousand and sixteen
Graham: Point, exclamation!
Jeb: Mr. Lindsey Graham!
Graham: Running for president fun?
Jeb: I’m less happy than a clam
I’m taking a pummeling, it’s extremely tough
Graham: Candidates
Jeb/Graham: They make your life rough
Jeb: So what happens if I win?
Graham: We start accepting science[59]
Our Party’s gone insane, we can no longer deny it.[60]
Jeb: Please just help me through
Graham: Go debate, friend.
Jeb: Really hope that I survive
Graham: ‘Til the shitshow ends, don’t blow
Ensemble: I am not throwin’ away mah point!
Not throwin’ away mah exclamation point!
Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,
I am not throwin’ away mah point!
Jeb: I am the best you’ve got
Ensemble: Jeb is the best we’ve got
Jeb: I imagine losing so much it feels more like a memory
I failed to engage youth, I told the truth
The voting booth ahead of me
If this is the end of me, at least I have a friend with me
iPhone in my hand, a command, and my dad with me
Then I remember my money’s expecting me…
Not only that, but the PACs are expecting
I gotta run, gotta go prove myself
Gotta outshine my brother, get my picture on the shelf!
Get the tweets out on your phone!
Campaign Workers: What?
Jeb: The tweets out on your phone!
Campaign Workers: What?
Jeb: Tweet out until I’m on a social media throne
Through the night, we have one shot to run another day
We cannot let a stray egg account give us away
We will post up close, seize the moment and stay in it
It’s either that or meet the business end of a Facebook threat
The code word is “viral meme,” dig me?
Campaign Workers: Viral meme!
Jeb: You have your orders let’s live the dream!
And so the first Trump-free GOP debate begins[61]
My opponents tryna beat me for this win
Teddy Cruz is fightin’ with the moderator, filling up with rage.
Cruz: (and Jeb in a mocking voice): If you guys ask one more mean question, I may leave the stage[62]
Jeb: Now that Donald’s at least for now gone away
Lindsey Graham is there waiting just outside the fray
How did we know that this plan would work?
We had a guy pulling his weight
Jeb/Ensemble: That’s right, Governor Christie!
Christie: This Jersey boy’s gonna be the POTUS fam
You better stay up in your lanes or I’ll make ‘em jam
Ensemble: Woah!
Christie: I tried to win this game before but then I lost to Mitt
Gotta supersize my chance at nomination ‘cause i’m lovin’ it
See imma keep it classy up against these ruffians
Watch all these others guys act like fools then to cover it
The voters gonna pick someone who needs no introduction
When you knock me down I get get the fuck back up again.
Ensemble: Health! Wealth! Gun Control!
Go!
What! What! What!
Jeb: After hours of debating, a young Chris Wallace stands at his brown desk
Cruz: We quiet our bickering as he frantically waves his hands to get our attention
Christie: And just like that, it’s over. We gather our notecards, we wipe our sweat.
Rubio: Young and old candidates wonder alike if this means we get to go home now
Jeb (interjecting): It’s your bedtime, Marco.
GW/Marco: Not. Yet.
Jeb: They discuss the results of our arguments
I see George W. scowl
We’re escorted away from our podiums
We all mill off into the crowd
Several thousands of people all trying to leave
Sharing chuckles and dull conversation
As I exit the building I know they believe
They could tolerate me as the head of their nation!
Campaign Workers: Jeb is the best we’ve got.
Ensemble: Jeb is the best we’ve got
Jeb is the best we’ve got
Jeb is the best we’ve got
Vote
Vote, vote, vote
Cruz: Vote for Ted Cruz, don’t vote for Marco Rubio!
Ensemble: Vote, vote, vote
Jeb: Gotta beat Donald Trump
Gotta get 3rd place
Ensemble: Vote, vote, vote
Rubio: I lost!
Christie: I lost!
Jeb: I lost!
Cruz: I won![63]
Jeb: I was the best they had!
21. Who Comes Next
Barack Obama: You say... my Presidency is one that you cannot abide
Insane… Obamacare passes, you vote to repeal fifty times[64]
I’m so blue
Remember we had a recession when Bush went away
Passed a stimulus too
Well even despite our estrangement, I’ve got just one query for you
Who comes next
After me
Do you think
You can beat Hillary
You’re on your own
Uhh… Awesome. Wow.
Do you have a clue what happens now?
Mitt Romney, John McCain
They look excellent compared to today
All alone, the GOP,
When the people vote for another liberal,
Don’t come crawling back to me
Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da
Da da dat dat dayyyyya da
Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da
Da da dat dat dayyyyya da
You’re on your own.
22. Dear Ivanka
Trump: My dear Ivanka, what to say to you?
You have my heart, you have your mother’s frame
When you came into the world, you smiled, and it made me blush
I’m dedicating my campaign to you
Beautiful women have always been my style
When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
Even though I am so smart.
You have come to be an inspiration
I will debate for you
I’ll make it GREAT for you[65]
If I lay a strong enough foundation
I’ll use it well for you, to build a wall for you
And you’ll blow us all away…
Someday, someday
Yeah, you’ll blow us all away
Someday, someday.
Jeb: Oh, Marco when you smile I am undone
My (son)
Look at my (son)
Pride is not the word I’m looking for,
There is so much more inside me, now
Oh, Marco you outshine the Cuban sun[66],
My son,
When you accuse Obama, I fall apart,
And I thought I was so smart.
My father was president,
I swear I’ll be president for you
Jeb: I’ll make a million mistakes
Trump: I’ll go and raise up the stakes
Jeb/Trump: I’ll keep the votes safe and sound,
For you will come of age with our old nation
We will debate for you
We’ll make it GREAT for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
Jeb: I’ll pass it on to you.
Trump: I’ll build a wall for you,
Jeb/Trump: And you’ll blow us all away…
Someday, someday
Yeah, you’ll blow us all away
Someday, someday.
23. Full Stop
Trump: A-After Iowa I went back to the trail
Jeb: A-After Iowa I went back to the trail.
Trump: I finished up my tweets and some folks, I sued
Jeb: I ran for prez, Trump screamed and booed.
Trump: Even though he started way before my time,
Sad weak Jeb began to fall behind
How to account for his fall from the top?
Maaaaan, the man is Full Stop!
Jeb: Gentlemen of New Hampshire I’m curious, bear with me
Are you aware you could make history?
This is the chance to stop Trump or Cruz from running our nation
The energy behind my exclamation!
I intend to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt
That America wants me.
Trump: Pathetic!
Jeb, sit down!
America is angry, show me your polls
That’s all I have to say.
Jeb: Okay - one more thing!
Trump: Why do you assume that America wants you?
Why do you assume that America wants you?
Why do you assume that America wants you?
Soon that attitude may be your doom!
Why do you cry like a weak pathetic man?
Weak, weak, weak, just like your bro and dad?
Every day you’re sad, just the saddest man of all.
Keep on losing in the meantime.
Ensemble: FULL STOP!
Jeb: Polls are often quite wrong[67], we can ignore them pretty happily,
And nowhere are they wronger than in primaries,
The voter turnout is increasingly stalling,
Honestly that’s why the election seems to be calling me.
All: He’s just Full Stop!
Jeb: I practiced campaigning, I practically perfected it,
I got a ticket to my name but I wasn’t elected yet
Now for my last name to carry me
If not they’ll forget me
Legacy defined by turtles I gave for free
Trump: Weak Jeb rising in the polling in New Hampshire
Jeb: I was rising in the polling taken in New Hampshire![68]
Trump: Up from his sad sixth place in Iowa[69]
Jeb: Now what I’m gonna say might make some of you guffaw
Trump: Goes and proposes that he’s the best candidate! That pathetic Jeb is the very best candidate! Gives so many speeches, the establishment is listless!
Establishment: Boring old man, yo, who the f is this?
Trump: Why do you always talk about your bro?
The weakest president, after Barry O
Why do you bring up the Bush name can’t you see
Ha, gonna get that media for free
Why do you campaign with so little energy?
Campaigning day and night with zero energy?
Every day you sink even lower, very sad
Keep being weak
*clap clap clap*
Trump: Jeb?
Jeb: Donald Trump, Chump.
Trump: It’s the middle of the campaign?
Jeb: My polls have made a jump.
Trump: Why does this even matter?
Jeb: Because I want you to see—
Trump: What do you need?
Jeb: Trump, your supporters have more energy
Trump: Duh
Jeb: I know I talk too soft and I’m pouty
You’re terrible on stage, you’re so mean and shouty
Our Party needs a strong candidate, you’re not the solution
Trump: What’s your deal?
Jeb: Your campaign’s total dissolution.
Trump: No!
Jeb: Hear me out!
Trump: No way!
Jeb: A series of corporations, constantly failing[70]
Showing your lack of business savvy to the public
Trump: No one will care!
Jeb: I disagree.
Trump: You’re gonna fail.
Jeb: No, you’re gonna beat it!
Trump: Jeb, you’re a mess.[71]
Jeb: So I need a pep talk…
Trump: You’re such a sad man
Jeb: At least my dad rocks.[72]
You need to start losing
Trump: No, no way.
Jeb: You’re making a mistake
Trump: For fuck’s sake, go away.
Jeb: Hey, what are your policies, what’ll you vote for?
Trump: What?
Jeb: You’re the front runner but what do you stand for? Do you support the Republican Party?[73]
Trump Of course.
Jeb: Then leave it.
Trump: And what if you lose to the Democrats’ favorite horse?
Jeb: Trump, we debated, and we fought and we yelled
For the chance of nomination that the primaries held
For once in your life, do something for another
I just want to be pres just like my older brother
Trump: I’m building a wall, I’ll make it the best (Ensemble: They’ll pay for it, pay for it)
I’ll sue you and laugh as your campaign implodes
I’m taking my time, watching the country’s rejuvenation
Watching the greatness grow.
Interests: I am working through the whole South,
I am accompanied by companies who always pay.
Wall Street, the Koch Brothers, they will keep me in comfort for this campaign.
They are not a lot of fun but...well, they all outmatch you, for turn of phrase.
My meekest Jeb Bush…
Don’t forget to email.
Voters: Look at where you are.
Look at where you started.
The fact that you’re in the race...well, it’s not a miracle.
But you’ll win Florida. At least that’s something, right?
And if your state could share a fraction of your time…
If we could give you personality…
Would it be something right?
Trump: Jeb joins forces with John Kasich and Chris Christie to take a series of stances defending the moderates in the Republican Party, entitled the “New Hampshire Town Halls.”[74]
The plan was to to give a total of twenty five speeches, the words divided evenly among the three men. In the end they hosted eighty-five events in the span of two weeks.
Chris Christie got sick after giving five.
John Kasich gave twenty-nine.
Jeb gave the other fifty one!
Trump: How do you think that you have a chance to win?
Speaking and talking like you’ve got a chance to win?
Every day you cry and you have no chance to win,
Not a single chance to win,
Trump’s the only one who wins!
Ensemble: Why do you run when you’re 30 points behind?
How do you go when you’re 4th place back in line?
How do you go without a single win this time?
Every primary goes by, not a single win or tie?
GW: They are asking Cruz to lead.
You can’t possibly be doing the best you can,
To get the people that you need,
You have to step it up, my right wing man!
Jeb: Keep running or let it go?
GW: I know it’s a lot to ask
Jeb: Keep running or let it go?
GW: To stand up to all these foes…
Jeb: Bro, do you want me to keep running or let it go?
GW: Keep running.
Jeb: Oh no.
Voters: Jeb!
Jeb: I have to leave.
Voters: Jeb!
Jeb: Look around, look around,
An election year is happening in our nation right now.
Voters: Voting...
Jeb: They are asking me to run!
Voters: Look around!
At least Florida is something, right?
Interests: He will always be on our side
He will always be on our side
On our side
On our side
GW: Fox News has its eyes on you!
All Overlapping:
Trump: Why do you assume that America wants you?
Why do you assume that America wants you?
Why do you assume that America wants you?
Soon that attitude may be your doom!
Why do you cry like a weak pathetic man?
Ensemble: Full stop!
Interests: He will always be on our side
On our side
On our side
Voters: At least that’s something, right?
GW: Fox News has its eyes on you!
All: Why do you assume that America, wants, you?
Jeb: I am not throwing away mah point!
Not throwin’ away mah exclamation - point!
I am Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point (Exclamation Point)
Just please clap!
I am not throwing away mah point!
ACT II
24. My Poll Numbers Jump
Ensemble: Twenty...Twe-Twe-Twenty-twe-twe-Twenty
Trump: Twenty-Sixteen
How does the sad, broken down, disempowered
Way-too-funded loser
Get all the GOP’s endorsements.
Fight the other candidates til he must for sure quit
Have it all, lose it all,
Ready for some more shit?
Republican Candidate.
Obama’s still the president
Every single televised debate sets a precedent
Not so fast. Someone came along from the bottom
Senator from Texas whom our Party had forgotten
He won in Iowa, we thought he had no chance
But he’s denyin’ science, got that whole Tea Party stance
It’s rather telling that no one has ever said[75]
You simply must meet Ted.
Ensemble: Ted Cruz is getting vooootes
Ted Cruz is getting vooootes
Ted Cruz is getting vooootes
Ted Cruz is getting vooootes[76]
Ted Cruz is getting votes
Lord, he’s been off in Iowa
For so long
Cruz: Obama destroyed this country’s very values
There is no more liberty
If you want that back
I’m your nominee
I came in first place at the Iowa Caucus
Then I said, ‘I Gotta go’
Gotta get out to New Hampshire
Get out and get the vote....
Ensemble: Aaaa-oooo
Cruz: My poll numbers jump
My poll numbers jump
Texas my home sweet home, gonna give me a bump
I’ve been in Iowa, meeting all the farmers
The polls are saying that I’m quite the charmer
But even with my success I still lose to Trump
Ensemble: Aaaaa-oooo
Cruz: There’s a post on my wall from some FOX news guy
Haven’t even checked the new polls yet
Heidi[77] be a lamb, darlin’ wontcha hit reply
It says the Media’s assembling a meeting
And that there’s to be another freakin debate, great!
And that I’m almost standing in center stage
I just got home and now I’m headed to New Hampshire
Ensemble: Headed to NH!
Headed to NH!
Cruz: Lookin’ at the Granite State I can’t believe Trump’s beating me!
Ready to face him in that next D-E-B-A-T-E
But who’s standin’ there when I go up on stage?
Both Ben and John Kasich standing quite far away.
John grabs my arm and I respond “What’s Going on?”
Ensemble: Aaaa-oooo!
Kasich: Ted, we are so confused as how to walk out onto this very stage
Can you get us out of the mess we’re in?
Ensemble: Aaa-oooo!
Kasich: Ben Carson’s inability to hear has left half of us right offstage[78]
I just want to hear my name and go
Where are you going?
Cruz: Uhhh...my podium
Kasich: Don’t leave me here!
Cruz: My poll numbers jump!
Ensemble: His - his - his poll numbers jump!
Cruz: My poll numbers jump!
Ensemble: His - his - his poll numbers jump!
Cruz: Headfirst to debate a bunch of chumps!
Ensemble: Headfirst - to debate some chumps
Cruz: I have my opening statement today
I guess I better think of something to say
They already called my name
Time to defeat Mr. Trump
Ensemble: His polls, they jump! Aaa-oooo!
GW: Mr. Cruz, welcome to FOX News!
Jeb: Senator Ted Cruz? Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
GW and Ensemble: Mr. Cruz, welcome to FOX News!
Ensemble: Mr. Cruz, welcome to FOX News
Senator you’ve been off in Iowa for so long!
Cruz: But my poll numbers jump!
25. Debate #1
GW: Ladies and gentlemen, you could have been watching anything in the world tonight but you’re here with us on the FOX Business Channel. Are you ready for a GOP debate?
The issue for the candidates: Donald Trump’s plan to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. Governor Bush, you have one minute sir.
Jeb: “Give me your tired, huddled masses yearning to be free,”
That’s what it says on the Statue of Liberty.
That’s the US creed, great words to live by.
Maybe we should let them in? Come on, why don’t we try.
Now, but Ted Cruz is a jerk.
He really thinks building a wall could actually work.
But try and guess why this plan is so whack.
The only explanation is that he’s the Zodiac.[79]
Ted: Not true!
Jeb: Oh, but the police sketch matches.
You want to build walls
While our middle class crashes? Uh, your priorities are wrong
It’s the economy, stupid, and you’re gonna get schlonged.
In Florida, we let immigrants in
We’re humane, you just wanna keep creating a din.
Your immigration plan is a ridiculous joke
It ain’t gonna make us safer, it’ll make us broke.
Stand with me in the land of the free
And let’s embrace our multicultural history
Look, my wife is from Mexico so don’t try me
When the people hear your proposals I’m gonna kick your hiney
GW: Thank you, Governor Bush
Jeb (solemnly interjects): You’re welcome.
GW: Senator Cruz, your response?
Ted: Jebby, that’s a nice poem you recited.
Your campaign stinks that’s why you were barely invited
To the big boy debate[80], wanna stay here?
Then you’re gonna have to stand back and listen to what I say here.
If we build up the wall, our crime rate falls
Our economy soars high, we create jobs for poor guys.
I do not like them, Uncle Sam-I-am
I do not like those Immigrants, their beliefs, their green eggs and ham.[81]
You think Columba’s birthplace matters, hey batter!
You must not know I’m Canadian[82], that’s sadder.
“My wife’s an immigrant, just trust us”
Yeah, stop talking.
Your bullshit is Hillary-ous.
And another thing, Mr. I’m-Such-a-Moderate!
Don’t tell me what to do or say, I’m not the odder fit.
Look at the Party’s ideals,
We’re moving far to the right
While you’re a centrist, way off out of sight!
Little Jebby Bush always coppin’ out with the populace
Pompousness--that’s how you keep your self-confidence
John Kasich, you think you’re relevant here? Please don’t kid yourself
Your new poll numbers are lower than a fucking elf!
You two, just keep dicking around.
Jeb, wanna kick my heiney?
That sucks, your feet are tiny.
GW: EXCUSE ME. Ted Cruz, John Kasich, take a walk. Brother, come with me. We’ll be right back to the Republican debate after this brief commercial break. Jeb!
Jeb: What?
GW: Dude…
Cruz/Kasich: Your plan is the worst--your plan is THE WORST
*hahahahaHA*
You have no pizzazz on stage and your plan is THE WORST.
Cruz: Such a moron who is also such a bore on stage just really makes me snore on
Kasich: You just really make him snore on
GW: Jeb, your bad debates are starting to wear me.
Jeb: I’m sorry but the other candidates up there scare me.
GW: Little brother, I’m on stage too, let my presence soothe you.
Jeb: Oh, while the other candidates pooh-pooh you?
GW: You need thicker skin.
Jeb: No, I just need to win. I have to save this Party
GW: If that’s your platform, it’s pretty damn thin.
Jeb (pointing at Trump/Cruz): Those two are horrible, their policies are non-starters
GW: Saying that’s easy, little brother, winning is harder.
Jeb (still pointing): They don’t have any experience.
GW: You don’t need to convince me bro!
Jeb: I hate those two so much sometimes...
GW: Then attack them more, yo.
Jeb: But what happens if I can’t carve out ideological space?
GW: Well, you’ll lose and have to drop out of the race.
Jeb: That sucks
GW: Get it together, brother. Your campaign is disappointing our mother.
26. Take a Break
Voters: Uno Dos Tres Cuatro Cinco Seis Siete Ocho Nueve
Marco: Uno Dos Tres Cuatro Cinco Seis Siete Ocho Nueve
Voters: Muy Bien.
Voters: Siete Ocho Nueve
Marco: Siete Ocho Nueve
Marco and Voters: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine!
Jeb: My dearest interests,
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way that a bee should be able to fly.
I trust you’ll understand the reference to
Another Seinfeld tragedy without my having to name the film
They think me the bee, ambition is my folly[83]
I’m another Bush, a pain in a tush, a massive pain,
Kasich is that other bee, Cruz is also a bee
And Hillary is a buzzin on her way to take the reigns
Interests: And there you are, a few states away.
Do you have to be a few states away?
Thoughts of you subside, then I get another email.
I cannot put the notion away!
Voters: Take a break
Jeb: I am on the campaign
Voters: There’s a little (Marco) surprise senator, and he cannot wait
Jeb: I’ll be south in just a minute, save my place
Voters: Jebidiah!
Jeb: Okay, Okay
Voters: Your son is forty-four years old today
He has something he’d like to say
He’s been practicing all day
Marco take it away
Marco: Daddy, Daddy, look
My name is Marco
I am a poet
And I wrote this speech just to show it
Let’s dispel this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing
He knows exactly what he’s doing[84]
Jeb: What!
Marco: Dispel the fiction Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing
Jeb: Uh-huh!
Marco: Because, again, he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing!
Jeb: Ok!
Marco: We must dispel the notion our President does not know what he’s doing - he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing!
Jeb: Bravo!!
Voters: Take a break!
Jeb: Hey, Little Marco’s pretty great.
Voters: Come down south with us for the summer, in your home state.
Jeb: Voters, I’ve got so much on my plate.
Voters: We can all go stay in Orlando.
Shopping at Publix[85]
Jeb: I know!
Voters: Buy some Disney tix
Jeb: I’d love to go!
Voters: You and I, at Epcot, when the night gets dark…
Jeb: I will try to get away…
Interests: My dearest Johnny Ellis,
You must get through to Ted Cruz
Debate with him and hold your ground
Don’t stop till victory,
Your favorite wealthy interests,
Back in the south remind you
There are rich men in your corner
All the way down in Dixie.
The email I received from you a week ago I
Noticed you used my first name in the subject line
I felt so honored, like we were buddies
I’ve never seen a candidate work so hard to be mine
It says,
Hi Helen, Jeb needs your help
With a comma after Helen
You’ve written
Hi Helen, Jeb needs your help
Anyway all this to say…
I’m coming home this summer, at the voters’ invitation
I’ll be there in Orlando, back in our home state.
I know you’re very busy
I know your work’s important
But I’m crossing through Cocoa
And I just can’t wait.
You won’t be a few states away…
You’ll only be a moment away.
Voters: Jeb, come back to Florida, the interests are arriving today!
Interests!
Interests: Voters!
Jeb: … The Florida machine.
Interests: Jeb...It’s good to see your face.
Voters: Interests, tell this candidate
Mitt Romney spends the summer with his family.
Jeb: Interests, tell these voters
Mitt Romney probably has like ten wives[86], anyway.
Interests: You’re not joining us, wait?
Jeb: I’m afraid I cannot be in my home state.
Interests: Jeb, I came all this way!
Voters: They came all this way!
Interests: All this way!
Interests/Voters: Take a break!
Jeb: You know I have to win the nomination.
Interests/Voters: Run away with us for the summer, in your home state.
Jeb: I shame my fam if I don’t get this nomination.
Interests/Voters: We can all go stay in Orlando…
Voters: Harry Potter World...
Interests: I know I’ll miss your face…
Voters: Frozen yogurt swirled...
Interests: Screw the humans, liberate the bees
Voters: You and I, at Epcot,
Interests: The voters are right,
Voters/Interests: Take a break!
Voters: And get away…
Interests: Run away with us for the summer
Voters/Interests: In your home state.
Voters: Where we can stay
Interests: We can all go stay in Orlando
If you show some smarts
Voters: Look around, look around,
An election year is happening in our state right now.
Interests: You can do your part,
Voters: Drinking around the world in Epcot
When the night gets dark!
Interests: Open your eyes, just smile,
You can win their hearts!
Voters/Interests: Take a break!
Jeb: You know I have to win the nomination.
I can’t stop till I win this nomination.
27. Guac Bowls for This
Trump: There’s nothin’ like campaignin’ on the trail
If you’re that desperate for votes, you’re prob’ly gonna fail.
There’s trouble on the ‘net, you can smell it.
And Jeb Bush is by himself. I’ll let him tell it.
Jeb: I slept plenty that week, but I was weak, that’s just me,
You’ve never seen a prezzy’s son with less pop-u-larity
Longing for the interests, way short on my votes,
That’s when an intern at PR emailed me with some notes.
She said...
Intern: I know that you’re not like your father.
I’m so sorry it isn’t like back home.
But you’re failing all alone,
And you can’t do this on your own.
Jeb: She said...
Intern: The millennials are far too strong.
Retweeting us, out-meme’ing us, Trump’s beatin’ us,
If you can’t figure out what’s wrong,
You won’t have the votes to go on.
Jeb: So I offered her my Facebook,
I offered to get a new look.
She said,
Intern: They’re unkind, sir.
Jeb: I gave her all the pics that I had stocked away
of Donald Trump’s toupee, she said,
Intern: Quite the bind, sir.
Jeb: Then I said, “Well seems like nothing has worked,” then she smirked
She said the key to the polls is to start selling bowls[87]
Intern: For how much?
Jeb: Hm… Maybe 75 dollars?
Intern: Yeah, that seems completely reasonable.
Jeb: That’s when I began to pray,
Lord, should I buy her guac bowls for this?
Do we really need these guac bowls for this?
But My God, my campaign’s hopeless.
And my stomach’s sayin’ hell yes...
Intern: Booowlllllsssssss
Jeb: Geez, should I buy her guac bowls for this?
Wow, buy all these guac bowls for this?
In my mind, I’m tryna go
Ensemble: (Go go go)
Jeb: Then the guac’s in my mouth
And I don’t say no!
Ensemble: No! No!
Guac bowls for this! X4
Jeb: I wish I could say that was the last one.
But we figured everyone would wanna get it in on the fun.
A month into this ordeal I received a spiel
From an anonymous Twitter feed, ya feel?
It said:
Twitter Acct: Dear Jeb,
I hope this DM finds you with more votes,
Or in a popular enough position to put notes
On Tumblr posts for people like me; It is my goal
To go viral, and not a thing can help you, not even your...
Jeb: ...bowlllllllls.
Twitter Acct: Yoo-hoo!
These bowls could go viral, and boy you
Really don’t want that or millennials will destroy you
And hey, you can keep eating your guaca-BOWL-e,
But you better pay up or else we’ll meme you wholly
Jeb: I hid the DM and I raced to the place
I was filled with disgrace,
She said,
Intern: No, Jeb!
Jeb: Cyberbullied on the web?
Man they can’t do that to Jeb!
She said:
Intern: Please don’t go, Jeb!
Jeb: Why the heck did you choose bowl-ies?
Intern: I just love your guacamole
Jeb: In the name of all that’s holy--
Intern: I’m a food lover not a troll-y
Jeb: I am ruined.
Intern: Holy Moly
Jeb: I am
Both: Hopeless!
Jeb: How could I do this?
Intern: Just give him what he wants you can have them.
Whatever you want, if you pay,
Guacamolayyyyyy!
Jeb: Geez, do I buy her guac bowls for this?
Man, do I need these guac bowls for this?
Cause my campaign is quite hopeless…
Intern: Hopeless…
Jeb: And my stomach’s saying hell yes…
Intern: Guaaacccc Bowlllssssss
Jeb: Do I need these guac bowls for this?
Why do I need these guac bowls for this?
Intern: Yes, you need these guac bowls for this…
Jeb: Guac bowls for this?
There is no where I can go… (go go go)
When she sells me guac bowls, I do not say
Ensemble: NO!
YES!
GUAC BOWLS FOR THIS!
X 4
Twitter Acct: So?
Jeb: Nobody needs to know…
28. Running For Office
Trump: Hey Exclamation Point!
Jeb: Mister Trump, Chump
Trump: Didja hear the news about good old Justice Scalia?[88]
Jeb: No.
Trump: You know the Senate hearings?
Jeb: Yeah?
Trump: McConnell won’t budge[89]. Scalia’s conservative seat’s saved.
Jeb: Hooray!
Trump: He’ll just keep sitting on his hands.
Jeb: That’s a lot less work.
Trump: We oughta give it a chance.
Jeb: Ha!
Trump: Now how are you gonna get your poll counts up?
Jeb: Guess I’m gonna fin’lly have to listen to Trump:
Trump: Finally!
Jeb: “Talk loud, say dumb shit”
Trump: Ha ha!
Jeb: Do whatever it takes to get back into the thick of it.
Trump: Now, Kasich and Cruz are merciless.
Jeb: Well, one can’t win, one we all hate
Kasich: Jeb!
Jeb: I’m sorry Donald, gotta go
Trump: But—
Jeb: It’s time for yet another debate.
Trump: Three politicians and a businessman walk onto a stage.
Trump and Ensemble: Unintelligible yells[90], bells[91].
Trump: They emerge with tears in their eyes, having been eaten alive
Trump and Ensemble: We were all surprised,
Ensemble: Guys
Trump: The billionaire emerges with unprecedented primary success
I been crushin’ these boring “up-and-comers”
The politicians emerge on the sad, pathetic losing side
But here’s the pièce de résistance:
I don’t know how
To run for an office
To run for an office
To run for an office
No clue what to do
while running for office
I’m running for office
I’m running for office
All I really know is how the media’s played
The Art of the Deal is the book I made
Trump and Ensemble: You can’t stop my parade
No one expected my success
Trump: But now it looks like I’m gon’ win
Trump and Ensemble: an office!
Ted Cruz claims—
Cruz: Jeb went to dinner at Dubya’s that day
In distress ‘n disarray
Trump and Ensemble: Ted Cruz exclaims—
Cruz: Jebby said—
Jeb: I’ve nowhere else to turn!
Cruz: And basic’ly begged me to join the fray
Trump and Ensemble: Ted Cruz claims—
Cruz: I approached Kasich and said—
“I really hate ‘im, but let’s hear what he has to say.”
Trump and Ensemble: Ted Cruz claims--
Cruz: Well, I arranged the shutdown[92]
I picked out our platform, less tax forms, sit your butts down
Trump: But!
I don’t know how--
Trump and Ensemble:
To run for an office
To run for an office
To run for an office
Trump: I don’t quite know how—
Trump and Ensemble: To run for an office
To run for an office
To run for an office
Trump: Doesn’t matter how I do it
The Party just says yes
No matter what I do they say
“Donald you’re the best”
I just assume that they’ll caucus
For me ‘cause I’m the best guy
Running for an office.
Trump and Ensemble: Meanwhile—
Trump: Kasich is grappling with the fact that he can only get the nomination through contested convention[93]
Ensemble: Meanwhile—
Trump: The GOP is fighting for control of their Party-
It isn’t pretty
Then Ted Cruz approaches with a dinner and invite
And Kasich responds with Ohioan insight:
Kasich: Maybe we can stop one Chump from getting his druthers, and get some help from lil Jebby’s brother, in other words—
Cruz: Oh-ho!
Kasich: A quid pro quo
Cruz: Trump must go
Kasich: Wouldn’t you like to call the White House your home?
Cruz: You know that I would
Kasich: Well, Drumpf[94] needs to get half-plus-one
Cruz: So we’ll deprive him of votes?
Kasich (nodding): At the convention, We’ll get that shit done
Cruz: Let’s go
Trump: No!
Ensemble: —one else knows why
He’s running for office
Trump and Ensemble: I’m running for office
I’m running for office
No one else knows how
I’m running for office
I’m running for office
I’m running for office
Trump: My Cash!
Trump and Ensemble: In Adam Smith we trust
But we’ll never really know what got discussed
Cruz won the first caucus
Trump: But you haven’t stopped me from running for office.
Ensemble: Jeb Bush Exclamation point!
Trump: What did they say to you to get you to high-five me on national tv?
Ensemble: Jeb Bush exclamation point!
Trump: Did Barbara know that you smoked weed?[95]
How could you win; you are so much smaller than me?
Ensemble: Jeb Bush Exclamation point!
Trump: Or did you know, even then, it doesn’t matter
If you get any votes?
Jeb: But Florida’s got tons of votes
And yours is what they’re not
Trump: You had so few votes to get
Jeb: Now this turtle’s getting hot
When you’re slow and steady you win the campaign
How could I lose this with my family’s great name?
Oh, I get love for it. I get hate for it
I’ll get nothing if I
Jeb and Company: Work for it, work for it, please clap!
Jeb: My family, please help and forgive me
I wanna build
A Bush dynasty that’ll
Include me
Bush, Kasich, Cruz, GW: What do you want, Trump?
What would you do, Chump?
If you scream of nothing
Trump, what will you call for?
Trump: I
Don’t care,
I’m running for office
I’m running for office
I
Don’t care,
I’m running for office
I’m running for office
Trump: I
Don’t care,
I’m running for office
I’m running for office
I
Don’t care,
I’m running for office…
Oh
Oh
I wanna be
I wanna be
I’ve got to be
I’ve got to be
In the GOP
Their nomineeeee
Ensemble: The establishment hates you Donald—
Trump: But the racists love me anyway
Ensemble: The GOP wants their own to save the day—
Trump: I don’t give a fuck what they have to say
Ensemble: This election is a brand new start—
Trump: If we’re being truthful, I don’t even have a heart
I don’t know how to run for office
But I’ll build a wall between Mexicooooo
Trump: I’ve really got to
Run for an office…
I’ve got to be...
Ensemble: The GOP nominee
Trump: I’ve got to be...
Ensemble: The GOP nominee
Trump: Oh, I’ve got to be
Their nominee
I’m running, I’m running, not crawling
For Office!
Ensemble: I wanna be
The nomineeeeeeeeeeeee
Trump and Ensemble: Click-boom!
29. Carson Defeated
Marco: Look, Carson’s on FOX News. Neurosurgeon who slept through most of the debates finally drops out.[96]
Marco: Carson just dropped out of the campaign
Voters: Sometimes that's how it goes
Marco: Carson’s gonna find out any minute
Voters: Yeah, I'm not sure he even knows
Marco: Slow down, Slow down, let’s meet the latest GOP rejectee, rejectee. Ben Carson.
Jeb: Ben? How come you are dropping out of the race?
Ben: I barely knew I was running in the first place.[97]
Jeb: You can’t give up until the primaries are through.
Ben: Let’s be honest: they don’t like me, they really don’t like you.
Jeb: Excweeze me?
Ben: Look, the Koch brothers think you’re great,
They throw you some money and you take the bait
But on this date
Jeb: Wait-
Ben: Trump’s leading in every gosh darn poll
So I dropped out, I’ve still got my career in control
Jeb: I always considered you a friend.
Ben: I’ve never seen it that way on my end.
Jeb: But my name! My family! My fortune! My fame!
Ben: Look you’re a Bush but you only bring your family shame
I swear it will be Trump as our nominee this fall
My advice: drop out now, it’s a pretty good call
30. Debate #2
GW: The issue on the table: Mexico exists on the edge of the USA’s southwest border[98]. Do we provide aid and support to Mexican citizens looking to come over or do we keep them out of here? Remember, your position on this topic will be subject to millions of voters’ approval. But the people you really have to convince on this matter are the wealthy oligarchs that run the super PACS. Senator Cruz: you have the stage, sir.
Cruz: When we had a recession, when we were needy,
There were no jobs, thanks to Wall Street being greedy.
We needed places to work, bring in the dough.
Which country’s people filled up those positions?
Kasich: Us, but also Mexico?
Cruz: In return for the life that we provided,
They sent us people whose morals we called misguided.
They hoped that we might help them achieve dreams and desires,
Instead we just labeled them as rapists, thieves, and liars.
Stand with me, voters, become racist accusers
I know that Johnny Ellis Bush is here, that loser.
He’s gonna come onstage and make a plea
I’ll remind you that no one thinks he’s as cool as me!
Why is Jeb even here?
The loser brother, begs the crowd to cheer
Desperate to win the nomination
He won’t win anything — respect, your votes, just his dumb exclamation.
Ensemble: Ooh!!!!
Cruz: Hey, and if ya don’t know, now you know, Mr. Moderator.
GW: Thank you, Senator Cruz. Governor Bush, your response?
Jeb: You must be out of your goddamn mind if you think
I’m gonna stand up to your insults; nah, I’ll shrink
But I have to say the border situation’s rife with strife
Look at my wife: Mexican immigrants just want a better life
You and Trump plan to build a giant wall
Would you like to tell me how you’ll pay for it all?
“Hey, will you give us the cash for this, Mexico?”
“In English and in Spanish, the answer’s gonna be ‘No.’”
GW: Time’s up! It’s time for the news networks to be bought —
Cruz: I know I won —
GW: The voters just remember you ate your snot.
Cruz: But sir, even so, it should be pretty close!
GW: Yeah, but that booger thing was really fucking gross.[99]
Cruz: The people will vote me —
Moderator: The people will meme you. Frankly, it’s a little bit sad how it seems you
Think that you can outrun being made into a joke. Now, Jeb —
Jeb: Me?
Moderator: Wait, I meant Trump, not you. I must have misspoke.
Cruz: Do you see the GOP?
Jeb: What?
Cruz: Do you really think they’ll vote you, not me?
You make everyone cringe, you can barely be heard
It’s absurd, but you can’t win unless you’re unhinged.
Jeb: I’m a nice guy, I’ll do okay.
And I might not be loud, but I’ll get my say.
They can’t vote for every idiot in the world, they have to stop.
One of these days they’ll draw the line.
Cruz: So out of touch with it.
Jeb: Look, I know I’m not much yet, I’ll admit.
Cruz: Heard you were quite a governor.
Jeb: I was okay. At least, I didn’t quit.
Cruz: Yeah, well someone gotta remind you.
You’re nothing without the Bush dynasty behind you.
GW: Jeb!
Cruz: Big bro’s calling.
31. G.O.P. On Your Side
Trump: It must be nice, it must be nice
To have The G.O.P. on your side
It must be nice, it must be nice
To have the G.O.P. on your side
Cruz: Every immigrant brings problems into the US
If it were up to Jeb our country would be just a mess
If Mexico were sending lawyers, doctors, priests (god bless)
Then maybe we would want them, but we don’t, and nonetheless
I get no satisfaction when I hear word in the press
That George W doesn’t like me, but I still won’t stress
The Evangelicals and Establishment clearly support me
I’m Canadian but that won’t stop me from getting the White House key
This Jeb’s a sad sad boy who moves just like a muppet
His family’s puppet, harmless as a pup, it’s just seeing his face makes me wanna fuck up it
If he wants victory, he’s going to need a saving grace,
While we were busy debating he got the GOP in just the right place
Trump and Cruz: It must be nice, it must be nice
To have The G.O.P. on your side
It must be nice, it must be nice
To have the G.O.P. on your side
Look back at that moderate
Kasich: I’m one too!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: The PACs haven’t stopped
It must be nice, it must be nice
To have The G.O.P. on your side
Kasich: So he governed the Florida government?
It’s full of the dying, and dead and retired
and Jeb is likewise
Trump: Look in his eyes!
Cruz: See how he cries.
Kasich: Follow my live tweets of his demise
Cruz: I’ll start preparing vines
We’ll ruin his PR team’s lives
Kasich: If we don’t meme now everyone will just forget him
Cruz: I’ll get right online.
Kasich: Somebody has to be the nominee
Trump: Somebody tell him he’s a retiree
Cruz: If it’s our Party that he wants to lead
He’s going to need charisma to succeed
Trump: I am a winner, I negotiate deals, Jeb is a loser, he knows how it feels,
To cry cuz your brother and father got farther than you’re ever gonna
That’s the difference, this kid is a mess!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Oh! This Bush isn’t worthy to be nominee.
Oh! This Bush is a failure it’s easy to see.
Oh! We’ll show Mr. Jebra[100] what he’s up against.
Oh! Mutherfucking ultra conservative Republicans!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich/Ensemble: Oh!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Let’s send out some hate and see how it goes
Ensemble: Oh!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Because every second this Twitter feed grows
Ensemble: Oh!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: His Super PAC spending was out of control
Spent all their money, not one single victory
Just Jeb’s Misery
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: It must be nice. It must be nice
Kasich: Send him some hate and see how it goes
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: It must be nice. It must be nice
Cruz: Here’s a meme of Jeb in no clothes!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: He’ll be destroyed, his credit cards declined
Still, it must be nice, it must be nice to have
The G.O.P. on your side
32. One Last Shot (At This Campaign):
Jeb: George, you asked to see me?
GW: I know you’ve been busy playing golf
Jeb: What do you want bro…bro?
GW.: Let me give you a word of warning
Jeb: I don’t know what this is about
But whatever it is, Trump started it
GW.: Trump won another primary this morning
Jeb: You’re kidding
GW: We need to have a talk
Jeb: Trump is just a dumb jock, all he’s done is make this race a laughing stock
GW.: Shhh. Pant less.
Jeb: I’ll use the turtles, I'll throw them on the table, you’ll see that I’m capable!
GW: We need the Bush’s at the White House address
Jeb: Yes! It’s my time, this position’s finally mine!
GW: No. They say he’s a shoo-in to be the candidate.
Jeb: Ha! Good luck defeating the Bush family!
GW: No, Jeb. With that low energy you’ll never be the candidate.
Jeb: I’m sorry… what?
GW: One last shot…
Before your campaign is through
One last shot…
Before we lose all hope in you
You’re gonna help protect our legacy
Our legacy
You and me
Jeb: Yes! Jeb!
GW: You’ve got to talk about Homeland Security
Jeb: George, the wall Trump proposes is just not practical at all!
GW: You’ve got to stop with this debate night fighting
Jeb: But-
GW: Pick up a pen, start writing
Cause you could take some notes from what I’ve learned
The hard-won wisdom that I’ve earned
Jeb: As far I am concerned
They’ll never vote for Bern, they want us to serve
GW: No. You’ve got one last shot
Before your campaign is through
You’ve got one last shot
And if you can get these voters to connect with you
You can convince ‘em that you’ll do alright
Please just try
Jeb: George, they’ve been saying that I’m a mess!
GW: They’ve said far worse things about me
Jeb: Well I’ve been under a lot of stress
GW: So use it to fuel higher energy
Jeb: I just want them to believe that I’m their guy
GW: If you’re their guy
Then the nation will learn to move on
From the things that I did wrong
I once said: ‘Guys,
I promise, these wars will be done soon. I super-promise.’
And the nation was no more afraid
They were safe in the nation I’d saved
Jeb, these elections will be done soon, I super-promise
But you’ve gotta improve your campaign
Little brother, you must use your brain
You’ve got one last shot...
Jeb: One last shot
Jeb: So, here’s what it comes down to. Our country is on a very bad course. And the question is: What are we going to do about it?
The question for me is: What am I going to do about it?
And I have decided.
I am a candidate for president of the United States.
We will take command of our future once again in this country.
We will lift our sights again, make opportunity common again, get events in the world moving our way again.
We will take Washington – the static capital of this dynamic country – out of the business of causing problems.
We will get back on the side of free enterprise and free people.
I know we can fix this. Because I’ve done it.[101]
Jeb/GW: My pledge to you, I will be a commander-in-chief that will have the back of the military, I won’t trash talk, I won’t be a divider-in-chief or an agitator-in-chief. I won’t be out there blow-harding, talking a big game without backing it up.
I think the next president needs to be a lot quieter, but send a signal that we’re prepared to act in the national security interest of this country. To get back in the business of creating a more peaceful world.[102]
Jeb: Please clap.
GW: One last shot
Company: Bush family’s coming home
Jeb: Show them I can be their guy
Company: Bush family’s coming home
GW: You and I
Company: Bush family’s coming home
GW: FOX News has it’s eyes on you
Company: Bush family’s coming home
Jeb: We’re gonna show ‘em I can be their guy
Company: Show ‘em you can be their guy!
Jeb: Show ‘em I can be their guy
Can be their guy
Be their guy!
Company: Be their guy!
Jeb: Be their guy!
Company: Be their guy!
Jeb: One last shot-
Jeb/Company: To be their guy!
33. I Know Him
Hillary: They say
The GOP’s losing it’s power and fading away
Is that true?
I wasn’t aware that was something a party could do
I’m confused
Still it’s no surprise these conservatives can’t take the heat
Who will they choose?
Which super-charged idiot candidate will I have to beat?
Donald Trump?
I know him
That can’t be
He’s that giant dick who’s on TV
With the awful hair
His fingers? Tiny stubs
God, he makes me miss old Georgie-Dubs...
Egos rise
Discourse falls
The Republicans have made their call
For the vote
Watch them run
They have torn each other into pieces
Jesus Christ, this will be fun!
Da da da dat da dat da da da da ya da
Da da da dat dat da ya daaaaaahhahhahahaha!
Nominee Donald Trump?
Oh, fuck
34. The Romney Humiliation
Trump: How did Jeb Bush, once front-runner, legacy, the governor of Florida, giver of that horrid de-bate performance, sink in the polls, destroy his reputation? This, losers,
Trump and Company: Is the Romney humiliation.
Trump: Cruz is strangely doing well, but quite lacking in elegance
Cruz: GW can’t help you now
No more desperate Bush presidents
Trump: Mitt meets with Jeb Bush
Privately tells him he has no chance for the nom[103]
Cruz: Say what?!
Trump: Jeb tweets out his response…
Jeb: Endorse me Mitt, you rich mother—
Trump: Jeb’s campaign is a disaster
Kasich: Jeb is weak. He has no power. He’ll never be in the Oval Office. And he doesn’t even have the support of Mitt Romney, the only other sane member of this Party.
Cruz: Jeb is a host unto himself. As long as he has a Tumblr, he’s a threat. Let’s let him know what we know.
35. We Know
Jeb: Senator Cruz…
Governor Kasich...
Donald Trump!
What is this…
Cruz: We have the Tumblr posts from separate accounts…
Kasich: Almost 1 million notes, all in different amounts…
Trump: On posts by an anonymous user,
Way back in 2015.
Jeb: Is that what you have? Geez...you’re mean.
Kasich: You are uniquely situated, by virtue of your position…
Cruz: Though virtue is not a word I’d apply to this politician
Kasich: To help promote bad content,
You stray from your quest to get votes…
Cruz: And the evidence suggests you...reblogged yourself to get lots more notes?
Trump: An old geezer struggling to go viral!
Cruz/Kasich: I can almost see the headlines and they will be cruel!
Trump: I hope you saved some money, you gelatinous fool!
Cruz/Kasich: You best g’wan run back where your dad was cool!
Jeb: Geez…you don’t even know what you’re asking me to confess!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Con-fess!
Jeb: You have nothing, I don’t have to tell you anything at all.
Un-less!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Un-less!
Jeb: If I can prove that this isn’t all for me, do you promise not to tell a soul what you’ve seen?
Trump: As it stands, you’re barely running for office.
Jeb: If it’s not too much trouble, could you please clarify whether that was a yes?
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Um, yes.
Trump: (reading aloud) Dear Jeb,
I hope this DM finds you with good votes,
Or in a popular enough position to put notes
On Tumblr posts for people like me; It is my goal
To go viral, and not a thing can help you, not even your...
Cruz: Whaaaaaaaaaaat!
Jeb: She courted me, ordered me
ten thousand guac bowls for good publicity,
That’s when his Twitter extorted me,
For every note you see.
I reblogged him quarterly,
I may have humiliated my whole self
But my campaign is orderly!
As you can see I kept a record of every account in my history.
Check it again against your list and see consistency.
I never reblogged a single post of mine.
You sent the dogs after my scent, that’s fine!
Yes, I have many reasons for shame.
But I have not reblogged myself and looked really lame.
As you can see I have done nothing to provoke a public reaction.
Are my answers to your satisfaction?
Cruz: My God.
Kasich: Gentlemen, let’s go.
Jeb: Trump!
How do I know you won’t use this against me
The next time you do shit for show?
Trump: Jeb, you’re already a mess. A mess.
And we both know what we know.
36. Hurricane
Jeb: They said Jeb was a hurricane
Now they deny it
This was my moment
What’s gone awry?
When I was forty-one
I lost my first run for gov
But George, he won
Texans bought every lie
I got me some clout
Became governor to please my family
I got me some clout
I looked up and Florida had its eyes on me
Dad passed the buck down
Two Bush brothers
Vying for a dynasty of glory
Raised to continue our defeat of democrats, not
Run campaigns into the ground
George succeeded and I fell
Had his way with the Oval Office
Seemed to me like he’d be a hard sell
But the American people thought he was swell
We campaigned for my brother and rigged it well
And in the face of Barbara and George H.
I tried to stay supportive from my Miami base
And though my prayers to God were met with indifference
In twenty-fifteen I got my chance to release my bitterness
They said Jeb was a hurricane
Now they deny it
This was my moment
What’s gone awry?
But every passing day my dream has died
Trump will out-poll me
George’s a dick and he won’t console me
I really do try
Trump: You’ll pay for it, pay for it, pay for it…
Jeb: One Hundred million out![104]
Trump and Ensemble: Pay for it, pay for it, pay for it…
Jeb: I don’t understand! It was supposed to be me!
Trump and Ensemble: Pay for it, pay for it…
Jeb: I can still sort this out
Unify the GOP
GW/Voters/Interests/Ensemble: Fox News has its eyes on you
Jeb: I must live up to the Bush family name, this is the only way
I can protect my legacy
Company: You’ll pay for it, pay for it, pay for it…
Jeb: Lean into the guac bowls and secure the latino vote
37. The Guac Bowl Memes
Ensemble: DUUUUUHHH NU NU NUUUUUUH
The Guac bowl memes.
DUUUUUHHH NU NU NUUUUUUH
Have you liked this ish?
Kasich/Trump/Cruz: Jeb Bush the Floridian
Bought campaign bowls for guac…
Now they’re up for sale -- the whole stock!
Cruz: Highlights!
Cruz/Jeb: The charge against me is reblogging my own content,
Using side blogs from my social media team.
My real crime is reblogging some dumb kid’s posts
For a considerable time
So he wouldn’t leak my guaca-bowl-es.[105]
All: Damn!
Cruz/Kasich/Jeb: I kept a shitload of them.
Most of them in my own house
Trump: At his own house!
Kasich: At his own house! DAMN!
Jeb/Cruz: The rest of my campaign team being absent
on a visit to Orlando.
Kasich/Trump: No…
Ensemble: Booo!
Kasich/Trump: Have you read this ish?
Cruz: Well he never gon’ be president now!
Kasich/Trump: Never gon’ be president now!
Cruz: Well he never gon’ be president now!
Kasich/Trump: Never gon’ be president now!
Cruz: Well he never gon’ be president now!
Kasich/Trump: Never gon’ be president now!
Cruz: That’s one less thing to worry about!
Kasich/Trump: One less thing to worry about!
Interests: I came as soon as I heard!
Cruz: What???
Jeb: Interestsss…
Ensemble: All the way from Dixie? Damn!
Jeb: Interests, thank God.
Someone who understands what I’m floundering here to do.
Interests: I’m not here for you!
I know these voters like I know my own mind.
You will never find ones as gullible or blind
I need these voters more than anything in the world
I will choose their money over yours
No remorse!
Put what we had aside
I can’t stand at your side
Guacamole doesn’t satisfy
God I hope you’re satisfied.
Kasich/Trump/Cruz: Never gon’ be president now, etc.
Ensemble: Gross!
But at least he was honest with those notes!
Kasich/Trump/Cruz: You ever seen somebody ruin their own fate?
His poor state!
38. Bern
Older Voters: I saved every email you sent me
From the moment I read them
I knew you would win.
You said you would win.
I thought you would win...
Do you know what the Interests said?
When they saw the very first meme
They said,
“They’re not laughing with Jeb, love.
They’re laughing, but it’s pretty mean”
You and your name, flooded my news feed.
You promised me you would take the lead.
You said you were moderate, the best choice.
You said you’d beat them.
I keep seeing the memes that they made of you.
I’m searching for positive content in every vine.
For some kind of sign.
But we’ve run out of time...
Millennial Voters: And we all feel the...
Bern[106]
Bern.
Older Voters: The press has lost all of its hope in you.
The millennials ravage your image on every site
With their tweets and their blogs, they have ruined our lives
Do you know what the interests said
When they saw what they’d done?
They said,
“The millennials run this now.
With memes, they have already won.”
You and your guac, obsessed with your merchandise.
Your campaign ads border on senseless
And you keep asking in every speech to clap,
But we have to leave you...
You, you, you…
We’re removing ourselves from this dumb campaign.
Let Facebook, Twitter and Vine show how Jeb Bush
reacted when his votes fell apart.
Can we get a new start?
These kids all feel the Bern
Bern
Feeling the Bern...
This Bush has no right to our votes.
The memes of him stick in our heads.
We’ve heard all that Donald Trump said
We’re erasing the memories
Deleting the emails that might have redeemed you
You forfeit all rights to our heart
Go sleep with your wife in your bed
We’ll go vote for Kasich instead.
With only the memories
Of when you would win….
We hope that you bern.
39. Blow Up Your Campaign
Marco: Meet the latest frontman from the RNC!
I probably shouldn’t brag but really who else could it be?
The pundits say I’ve got the same leer and cheeks as my pops,
The voters say that’s not where the resemblance stops!
I’m only 44 but my mind is older,
Gotta be my own man, like my daddy but bolder,
I shoulder his legacy with pride, I used to hear him say
That someday I would
Ensemble: BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Voters, I’m lookin for governor Chris Christie,
Tongues been waggin all week, says I'm not an elite
He disparaged the DC government in front of a crowd
I can't have that I'm makin’ Florida proud
Voter: I saw him just the other day, he was at Fox News
He was talking about the snowstorm
Marco: Well I’ll go challenge his views!
Voter: Marco, you’re a douche
Marco: Y’all look pretty chaste, covered down to your shoes.
How about when I get back, we all discuss our values?
Voter: Ok!
Ensemble: B-B-BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Chris! Chris!
Christie: Shh, I’m tryna shovel the snow!
Marco: You shoulda watched your mouth before you hugged Barack Obama though.
Christie: I didn’t do anything that wasn’t right!
Obama doesn't hate NJ but it seems like you just might
Ensemble: Ooooooh!
Marco: It’s like that?
Christie: Yeah, I don’t disengage.
I’m not your little sad boy.
Marco: See you on the debate stage
That is, unless you wanna step aside and go now.
Christie: I know how to find you.
Piss off, I’m covered in snow now.
Marco: Daddy if you’d only heard the shit he said about Obama!
I doubt you woulda let it slide without creating drama
Jeb: Slow down.
Marco: I came to ask you for advice, this is my first real debate.
They don’t exactly do this much in the Sunshine State.
Jeb: Did your campaign try to negotiate a peace?
Marco: He refused to say Obama knows exactly what he’s doing!
Jeb: Where did he come from?
Marco: He's the governor of Jersey.
Jeb/Marco: Everyone's an asshole in New Jersey.
Jeb: All right. So this is what you’re gonna do.
Stand there like a man until Christie is in front of you.
On your turn, say your talking points to the air.
This will put an end to the whole affair.
Marco: But what if he decides to refute? Then I won’t live.
Jeb: No, he’ll follow suit if he's a true conservative.
We used to be good friends, till he endorsed Trump for press.
Marco, the voters can’t take another mess.
Marco: Daddy--
Jeb: Promise me.
You don’t want this white man’s blood on your Wiki page.
Marco: Okay, I promise.
Jeb: Come back to Florida when you’re done.
Be smart, dispel the fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing, son.
Marco: My name is Marco
I'm a candidate
And I’m a little nervous cause I can't debate
I’m sorry, let’s dispel this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing
He knows exactly what he’s doing.
Mr. Christie! How was the rest of your state?
Christie: I’d rather skip the pleasantries, debate! [107]
Grab your cue cards
Marco: Confer with your white men.
The feud will commence after we give our statements!
Ensemble: Count to ten!
Marco: Look ‘em in the eye, that Marco charm,
Summon your god-given right to bear arms
Then slowly and clearly repeat your lines
Ensemble: UNO DOS TRES CUATRO CINCO SEIS SIETE
40. Stay in The Race (Reprise)
Ensemble (women): Stay in the race…
Stay in the race...
Jeb: Where is my son?
Doctor Carson: Mr. Bush, come in.
They brought him in a half an hour ago.
He lost a lot of dignity on the way over.[108]
Jeb: Is he still in the race?
Doctor Carson: He repeated the same line five times and appeared to be a robot.[109]
Jeb: Can I see him, please?
Doctor Carson: I’m doing everything I can.
But the press was already on him when I arrived.
Jeb: Marco.
Marco: Daddy.
I did everything you said, daddy.
I dispelled the fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Jeb: I know, I know. Shh.
Marco: What he’s doing…
Jeb: I know, I know. Shh.
You did everything just right.
Marco: Even before we got to diez, daddy,
I was dispelling with that lie...
I was dispelling with that lie…
Jeb: I know, I know.
Save face, stay in the race…
Voters: Nooooooooooo!
Jeb: Voters!
Voters: Is he trending? Is he going to survive this?
Who did this, John Ellis, did you know?
Marco: Voters, I’m so sorry for forgetting what you taught me…
Voters: My candidate…
Marco: You taught me to tally votes…
Voters: We tallied votes.
Marco: We tallied votes, all mine...
Voters: You failed the ballot every time…
Marco: Ha. I would always waste your time!
Voters: Shhh. I know, I know.
Marco: I would always waste your time…
Voters: I know, I know.
Uno dos tres cuatro cinco seis siete ocho nueve…
Marco: Uno dos tres cuatro cinco seis siete ocho nueve…
Voters: Good. Uno dos tres cuatro cinco seis siete ocho nueve
Marco: Unos dos tres
Voters: Siete ocho nueve-
Siete ocho...
41. It’s Gentle Down South
Interests: There are voters who the ads don’t reach
There’s pandering too pitiful to tape
You keep your PACs as rich as you can
And ignore the inevitable
There are moments when the crowd’s so mean
It feels easier to shut your mouth
Interests/Ensemble:The Jeb campaign moves down South
And embraces the inevitable
Jeb: I’m campaigning in The Bible Belt
I speak to a lukewarm crowd
And it’s gentle down South
I’ve never liked it gentle before
I take the cameras to church each Sunday
I place my hand on the cross at the door
It’s not singed
That always used to happen before
Interests/Women: If you see him in a store,
A family owned store,
Ranting like a bore, have pity
Jeb: Marco, you would like it down South
It’s gentle down South
Interests/Women: He’s embracing the inevitable
All Men (except Jeb): He poses with some hay.
A luncheon every day.
He talks like he’s not from the city
Jeb (to a gentle crowd): You tax my wealth? I fall apart…
Company (except Jeb and Voters): Can you imagine?
Jeb: Look at where I am
Look at where I started
I neglected my voters, Florida
Please miscount my vote. At least that’s something, right?
If I could play more golf
I would play more golf with him
We’d be golfing there right now
Just a hole in one, at least that’s something, right?
I’m pretending not to know
That challengers are mounting
I’m terrified of counting what I’ve lost
So let’s pretend
I’m not afraid
I know what I’m doing
Just let a couple of chads hang
At least that’s something, right
Company (except Jeb and Voters): If you see him at the polls
Rigging a machine,
calling New York mean, have pity
Jeb: Hey voters, do you like it down South, it’s gentle down South
Company (except Jeb and Florida voters): He’s forgetting the inevitable
See him speaking to the crowd, hoping they cheer loud
The interns in the back try to rally
Jeb: Look around, look around, the voters!
Company (except Jeb and Florida voters): He’s forgetting the inevitable
Florida Interests: There are laws that you just can’t bend
There’s bullshit too blatant to deny
He pretends that he doesn’t understand
He’s ignoring the inevitable
The pollsters call up the voters
Jeb is firmly wedged up Florida’s ass
They say a name
Florida Voters: It’s Trump down South
Company (except Jeb and Florida voters): Rejection. Can you imagine?
Rejection. Can you imagine?
If you see him in a store, a family owned store,
Ranting like a bore, have pity
He’s approaching the inevitable
42. The Election of 2016
Full Company: The election of twenty-sixteen
Cruz: Can we get back to politics?
Kasich: Please?
Cruz: Yo. Chris Christie just can’t bring that voter satisfaction.
Marco Rubio shat the bed. Let’s dispel the notion he’s in action
Poor Jeb Bush? He should just submit his own retraction
So now I’m facing—
Cruz and Kasich: Donald Trump!
Cruz: With his own faction
Kasich: He’s very attractive with racists. Xenophobes like his wall advancements.
Cruz: He’s too forthcoming without any particular stances
Kasich: Ask him a question: he glances off, he obfuscates, he dances
Cruz: And they say I’m Canadian: at least they know I’ve paid my taxes
Kasich: Cruz, that’s the problem, see, they see Trump as a more obscene you
Cruz: Ha!
Kasich: You need to change course, a key endorsement might redeem you
Cruz: Who did you have in mind?
Kasich: Worst case...
Cruz: Who is it?
Kasich: You sort of run in the same race
Cruz: Whaaaat
Kasich: It might be nice, it might be nice
To get Jeb Bush on your side
Kasich and Cruz: It might be nice, it might be nice
To get Jeb Bush on your side
Trump: Talk loud!
Say Dumb Shit!
Don’t let ‘em know what you’re against and don’t commit!
The KKK?
Who are they![110]
It’s twenty sixteen, ladies, tell your husbands: Trump ballot!
Male Voter: I don’t like Marco!
Female Voter: Well, he’s gonna lose, that’s just defeatist!
Another Male Voter: And Cruz --
Two Men: The Zodiac!
Another Female Voter: Not his greatest weakness
Two Women: I like that Donald Trump!
Female Voter: I can’t believe we’re here with him!
Male Voter: He seems approachable…?
Another Male Voter: Like you could grab some steaks with him!
Ensemble: Dear Mr. Jeb Bush: your fellow right-wingers don’t really care how you’ll be voting
Jeb: It’s gentle down south...
Ensemble: Dear Mr. Jeb Bush: You don’t really stand a chance, so who are you promoting?
Jeb: It’s gentle down south..
Men: Ted Cruz or Trump?
We know it’s lose-lose
Zodiac or Chump?
But if you had to choose
Women: Ted Cruz or Trump?
We know it’s lose-lose
Ted Cruz or Trump?
But if you had to choose
Ensemble: Dear Mr. Jeb Bush: You don’t really stand a chance so who are you promoting?
But if you had to choose
Men: Ted Cruz or Trump?
We know it’s lose-lose
Ted Cruz or Trump?
But if you had to choose
Women: Ted Cruz or Trump?
We know it’s lose-lose
Zodiac or Drumph?
But if you had to choose
Jeb: Well, if it isn’t Donald Trump, Chump.
Trump: Oh... Jeb.
Jeb: You’ve created quite a slump, drumph!
Trump: I’m gaining voters!
Jeb: You’re not just entertaining?
Trump: Sure!
Jeb: That’s new.
Trump: Honestly, there’s just so much I’m feigning
Jeb: Trump --
Trump: Humph!
Jeb: Is there anything you wouldn’t do?
Trump: No. I’m chasing what I want
And you know what?
Jeb: What?
Trump: Jeb is still a mess.
Jeb: :(
Ensemble: If you had to choose
If you had to choose
Kasich: It’s a tie!
Ensemble: If you had to choose
If you had to choose
Cruz: It’s up to the delegates!
Ensemble: If you had to choose
If you had to choose
Cruz/Kasich: ...It’s up to Jeb Bush?
Ensemble: If you had to choose
If you had to choose
If you had to
Choose
Choose
Choose!
Kasich/Ensemble: Ted Cruz or Trump?
Choose
Choose
Choose!
Ensemble: Ted Cruz or Trump?
Choose
Choose
Choose!
Jeb: Uh...
Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: The people are asking to hear my voice..
Ensemble: Eh... / A Couple People: Not really...
Jeb: For the country is facing a difficult choice..
Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: And if you were to ask me who I’d promote—
Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: —Ted Cruz has my vote[111][112]
Cruz/Kasich/Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: I have never agreed with Cruz to this date
Cruz/Kasich/Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: We have fought in like seventy-seven debates
Cruz/Kasich/Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: But when all is said and all is done
Ted Cruz has beliefs. Trump has none
Ensemble: Oooooooooooooh
Kasich and Cruz: Well, I’ll be damned
Well, I’ll be damned
Kasich: Jeb Bush is on your side
Ensemble: Well, I’ll be damned
Well, I’ll be damned
Cruz: And?
Kasich: ...Trump still won in a landslide.
Trump: Hey look at this state I won
The margin was wide
Cruz: Uh-huh.
I look forward to our partnership
Trump: Our partnership?
Cruz: As your vice-President.
Trump: Ha. Yeah, right!
You hear this guy? Man openly campaigns against me, is all like, “I look forward to our partnership.”
Cruz: Just saying that the guy who comes in second is often Vice President.
Trump: Yeah, you know what? We can change that. You know why?
Cruz: Why?
Trump: ‘cuz I’ll be President. Hey, Cruz, when you see Jeb Bush… tell him he’s a loser too.
43. Your Obedient Vice President
Trump: Now that Jeb Bush, low-energy, a lightweight, loser, hypocrite, too soft[113], will finally suspend his campaign for nominee, what he should have done from the beginning, I can’t be stopped from winning. I’m getting delegates on Super Tuesday—
Trump and Company: On Super Tuesday. On Super Tuesday.
Trump: We’ve kept Jeb Bush from Super Tuesday...now it’s my time.
Dear old Jebra,
I am slow to excite
But I couldn’t help but smile
When your campaign came
To a halting crash tonight
I look back on where you failed
And in every place I checked
The only common thread has been my disrespect
Now you’re finally over
You’ve bombed the debates
It was time somebody tried
To finally put you back in your place
I’ll have the honor to be the forty-fifth President,
D.Trump
Jeb: Dear Mr. Trump,
I regret saying I didn’t trust you
Cause no one knows what you believe
I will now equivocate on my opinion
Because let’s face it- you achieve.
I promise I’m not how you think I am
You don’t have reasons for another grievance
Because I think it’s time we stop having these silly disagreements
Trump: Bless Jesus
Jeb: I have been too shy
Trying to be the guy who will never lie
What I’m tryna say is
I want to get back in the biz this time on the right side
And I’d have the honor to be your obedient Vice President,
Jeb exclamation
Trump: I don’t get what you don’t understand
I don’t need a small weak man
Answer for the accusations you lay at my feet during the debates weak man
Jeb: Your grievance is not legitimate
I forget what I said every bit of it
You’re gonna take Chris Christie
What would that do?
If you take him then you’re gonna fall through.
Trump: Sit down, wimpy old man.
Your chances. Gone.
Campaign. Done.
Jeb: Moron
Trump: He wants the honor to be my obedient vice president D. Trump | Jeb: He lost the honor of me as his obedient vice president Jeb exclamation |
44. Best of Friends to Sleep With[114]
Voters: Jeb, please stay in the race.
Jeb: In the latest polls I’m 20 points down.
Voters: Think of your family pride.
Jeb: I know. But everyone is voting for that clown.
Voters: Why don't you act like you’re running for office?
Jeb: Clap.
Voters: Come back to run. At least that’s something right?
Jeb: I’m convinced that my chances are gone.
Voters: Come back to the race.
Jeb: Pick Ted Cruz or John.
Voters: We’ll miss you in the next debate.
Jeb: Hey. Best of friends I’m going to sleep with.
45. The Field was Wide Enough
Ensemble: One Two Three Four
Five Six Seven Eight Nine
Trump: There are ten things you need to know
Ensemble: Number One!
Trump: We walked down 5th avenue at dawn
My friend, Mr. Dennis Rodman[115], signed on as my
Ensemble: Number Two!
Trump: Jeb carries his engraved gun
With Lindsey Graham, and a Dr. Ben Carson
Ensemble: Number Three!
Trump: I watched Jeb stroll down the side of the street
He looked so low energy, a sad man, ready to be beat
This man has been the loser of so many disputes
Ensemble: Most campaigns die and no one shoots!
Number Four!
Trump: Jeb drew first position
Looking, to the world, like a car without ignition
This is a governor with a great deal of tranquility
Ben Carson turned around so he could have deniability
Ensemble: Five!
Trump: Now I didn’t know this at the time
But we were -
Trump and Ensemble: Near where Marco was sun-dried, is that why
Ensemble: Six
Trump: He snapped a photo of his gun with such rigor
I watched as he captioned it “America” on Twitter[116]
Ensemble: Seven!
Trump: Confession time? Here’s what I got
My squad’ll tell you I don’t got a lotta forethought.
Ensemble: Number Eight!
Trump: I’m the only one who can negotiate
But your campaign’s been so lame that it’s time for me to seal your fate
The press won’t write about this online
But look it up, Jeb was shaking the whole time
Why? ‘Cause he’s a disgrace to his name.
With or without me, his life will likely end in shame
I had one last chance to watch him totter
Jeb is a dead man, come hell or high water.
Ensemble: Number Nine!
Trump: Look at poor old Jebby, such a crier
Summon all the strength your tiny hands require
Then count!
Ensemble: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Number Ten Paces Fire!
Jeb: I imagine losing so much it seems more like meme-ery
Is this where it gets me, on my knees, with Donald taking votes from me?
I see it coming, do I run or pretend that it’s fun and say “clap please?”
Got no votes, no applause, no dignity
Trump, the worst man, no friend to me
Maybe the worst candidate I’ve ever seen
If I throw away my exclamation point, is this how you’ll remember me?
What if this campaign is my legacy?
Legacy. I’m just a legacy.
Dad planted seeds into mom and all he got was me
I got some votes at the beginning but then Trump made a fool of me
GOP, you great political Party, you sent for me
You made me try for president
A place where I would represent the old white establishment
And rise up
Now I’m running out of rhymes. I’m running but my time’s up
That sucks, oh fuck.
I catch a glimpse of those who’ve fried.
Lindsey Graham smashes cell phones on the other side.[117]
My father’s on the other side.
He’s with my family on the other side.
43’s watching me from the other side
Teach me how to lose with pride
No words, no words, no words
The vooooters
My loves, take your time.
I’ll court you from the other side.
Please clap for freedom!
Trump and Ensemble: Trump shoots Jeb right between the eyes
Trump: Checkmate!
Trump: Poor Jeb couldn’t stop being a mess,
I destroyed him, it suffices to sa-ay
His body bleeding guacamole
This campaign process is just so huge, It’s just so inspiring, you know, and, we’re bringing tremendous amounts of people together, tens of thousands of people, really huge stuff,
Company: Aaah
Aaah
Aaah
Trump: I said I could kill someone in the - street[118]
Company: Aah
Aah
Aah
Trump: And none of my voters would even care
Company: Aaah
Aaah
Aaah
Trump: There wasn’t media coverage for you - sorry Jeb, but life isn’t fair
I would not negotiate
Between Jeb Bush and myself
Jeb, what an embarrassment to his name,[119]
History obliterates
The weak fools who quake
Who couldn’t make a big break
But when Jeb Bush
Insulted my pride
He wound up on my bad side
And I made him pay for it
I survived and he paid for it
Now I’m the villain I’ve wanted to be
I outsmarted the GOP…
Even though I’d known
Even though I’d known
The field was wide enough for that loser and me
The field was wide enough for that loser and me
46. Who Wins, Who Drops, Who Memes Your Story
GW: Let me tell you what I wish I’d known
When I was prez and melted steel beams[120]
You have no control
GW and Company: Who wins, who drops, who memes your story
Trump: Zodiac Killer…
Cruz: I’ll give him this,
the memes they made of him were much danker than the ones they made of me
And I really did it. Believe me, I actually killed those people.
GW and Company: Who wins, who drops, who memes your story
Trump: Socialist Daddy...
Bernie: He took our millennials from lame memes to dank memes
I hate to admit it but he didn’t get enough memes
For all the memes he gave us
Bush and Company: Who wins, who drops, who memes your story
Interest Groups: Every other Bush gets the president’s seat
Every OTHER Bush gets a meme that’s elite
Trump: But who cares once you declare you’re through?
Who claps for you?
Trump and Company: Who memes your story?
Voters and Company: Who memes your story?
Trump and Company: Who memes your story?
Voters and Company: Dank Memes?
Interest Groups: The voters
Voters: We put our voices back in the election
Company: The voters
Voters: We stopped wasting time on tears
We tried to rally for your peers
It was not enough
Company: The voters
Voters: We had to choose between the candidates who fought by your side
Trump/Rubio/Cruz/Kasich: They fuel our story
Voters: We tried to make sense of your sudden demise
You really beg for claps like you’re running out of time
Interest Groups: Time
Voters: We rely on-
Voters/Interest Groups: The interest groups!
Voters: While they’re invested
Voters/Interest Groups: We meme your story
Voters: They now endorse candidates like-
Voters/Interest Groups: You
Voters: When we needed them most they directed our-
Voters/Interest Groups: Votes
Voters: And we’re still not through.
We ask ourselves what would you ask us to clap for if you had more time?
Voters: The dates of the election provide us with what you had needed,
They give us more time
Voters: We revive Marco Rubio’s water sip.[121]
Rubio: They meme my story
Voters: We speak out against Hillary.
You could have done so much more if you only had-
Voters and Company: Time
Voters: And when the election’s done, have we done enough?
Interest groups: Will they meme your story?
Voters: Oh.
Can we show you what we’re proudest of?
Company: The meme groups
Voters: We established the largest meme groups on the internet
Company: The meme groups
Voters: We help to make hundreds of Jeb memes[122]
We get to see them go viral
Company: The meme groups
Voters: They are sad just like your exclamation
In their text we hear you every-
Voters and Company: Time
Voters: And when our time is up, have we made enough
Will they meme your story?
Oh, we can’t wait to meme you again
It’s only a matter of
Time
Will they meme your story?
Time
Who wins, who drops, who memes your story?
Time
Will they meme your story?
Time
Trump wins, Jeb drops, we meme his story.
Bonus Features
Brainstorming Doc: Marco: Meet the latest endorsee from the RNC!
I probably shouldn’t brag but who else could it be?
The pundits say I’ve got the same leer and cheeks as my pops,
The voters say that’s not where the resemblance stops!
Only 44 but my mind is older,
Gotta be my own man, like my daddy but bolder,
I shoulder his legacy with pride, I used to hear him say
That someday I would
Ensemble: BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Voters, I’m lookin for some public twitter feeds,
Tongues been waggin all week, they said I tend to repeat
Myself when I talk about Obama, who doesn’t know what he’s doing;
Let’s dispel this fiction; Obama knows exactly what he’s doing.
Voters: I saw them just the other day, they were at Fox News
They were going to ask some questions
Marco: Well I’ll go challenge their views!
Voters: Marco, you’re a douche <3
Marco: Y’all look pretty chaste, covered down to your shoes.
How about when I get back, we all discuss our values?
Voters: Ok!
B-B-BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Twitter!
Twitter: Shh, I’m tryna critique this show!
Marco: You shoulda watched your mouth before you talked about Obama though.
Twitter: I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true!
Obama’s not that bad, but so, it seems, are you.
Ensemble: Ooooooh!
Marco: It’s like that?
Twitter: Yeah, I don’t fool around.
I’m not your little sad boi.
Marco: See you on the _____!
That is, unless you wanna step aside and go now.
Twitter: I know how to @ you.
Piss off, I’m judging this show now.
Twitter: Daddy if you had only heard the shit they said about Obama!
Jeb: Slow down.
Marco: I came to ask you for advice, this is my very first duel.
They don’t exactly cover this subject in Sunday school.
Jeb: Did your campaign attempt to negotiate a peace?
Marco: He refused to say Obama knows exactly what he’s doing!
Obama knows exactly what he’s doing; we had to let the peace tweets cease.
Jeb: Where is this happening?
Marco: Past the Keys in Havana.
Jeb/Marco: Finally, we can go back to Havana.
Jeb: All right. So this is what you’re gonna do.
Stand there like a man until Twitter is in front of you.
When the time comes, @ your tweet to the air.
This will put an end to the whole affair.
Marco: But what if they decide to @ me? Then I won’t live.
Jeb: No, they’ll follow suit if they are truly a conservative.
To take another white man’s life, you can’t hide that from the press.
Marco, the voters can’t take another mess.
Marco: Daddy--
Jeb: Promise me.
You don’t want this white man’s blood on your Wikipedia page.
Marco: Okay, I promise.
Jeb: Come back to Florida when you’re done.
Be smart, dispel the fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing, son.
Marco: My name is Marco
I am a poet
And I’m a little nervous but I can’t show it
I’m sorry, let’s dispel this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing
He knows exactly what he’s doing.
Twitter! How was the rest of your show?
Twitter: I’d rather skip the pleasantries, let’s go!
Grab your smart phone
Marco: Confer with your white men.
The feud will commence after we count to diez!
Count to diez!
Marco: Look ‘em in the eye, that Rubio charm,
Summon your god-given right to bear arms
Then slowly and clearly @ your tweet to the sky
UNO DOS TRES CUATRO CINCO SEIS SIETE
Fake Reviews:
"High energy play for such a low energy candidate." - Donald Trump
“The best work about a failed Presidential candidate since the Mitt Romney Netflix documentary that you’ve probably never heard of.” - Disgruntled Republican
“Let’s dispel the notion that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.” - Marco Rubio
“We thought Jeb would be a shoo-in with the millions of dollars we gave him. Boy were we wrong.” - Anonymous Wall Street Donors
“It’s a MESS.” - Larry David
“Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. But it’s never easy when there’s so much on the line.” - Herman Cain, former 2012 Republican Presidential Candidate, quoting Pokemon: The Movie 2000
“Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he’s created?” - Steve Buscemi, Spy Kids
“The candidate for guacamole.” - Turtle
“It’s not fair that 1% of the play owns 99% of the Jeb!” - Bernie Sanders
“According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“The Great Pyramids of Giza actually stored grains.” -Ben Carson
“This is honestly the craziest presidential election in history” -Innocent Bystander
“By Bush for Bush :’)” - bush fam
“Young Metro trusts him.” - Pitchfork
“Hamilton was originally intended to be about Jeb! However, we thought at the time that it would be more marketable if the script were reworked to be about Alexander Hamilton. You’ve shown us that we were wrong: a musical about the life of Jeb Bush is exactly what the world needs right now.” - The cast of Hamilton
Alternate “Not Throwin’ Away My Point” Verse:
Imma get the nomination from the RNC,
Don’t mean to brag, but dag who else could it be?
My problem is I got a lot of plans but no hubris
I’m gonna win the nomination
Save the GOP, let’s go do this
I’m a diamond cut from the birth, a shiny piece of gold
Being Pres is my goal, I want to work in the big Oval
Only Bush Three but it feels like much more
They ain’t gonna push me out the door, I’ll get Rushmore’d
Every voter, every constituent
May at first dissent, but they’ll soon see that I just meant
I’m a better man than Reagan
The plan is to court Latinas with my dame,
But if I’m gonna run I better spell out my name
Alternate “Sanders Refuted”
Sea-Bernie (yelling and wildly gesturing): Hear ye, hear ye! My name is Bernie Sanders, and I present “Free Thoughts on the Proceedings of the War in Iraq!”
Heed not the right wing, the Bush administration, they have not your interests at heart
Christie: Oh my god, tear this socialist apart
Bernie: Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution
Don’t let them lead you to war
This Congress does not speak for me
Trump: So sad!
Bernie: The oil is calling their names.
I pray the U.N. shows you mercy
For shame....for shame....
Jeb: Yo, he’s got the kids feeling the Bern but Bush Three’s administration is coming The right wings gonna win this is hard to listen to you with a straight face Regime change and bloodshed already haunt us, honestly you shouldn’t even talk about a contest, you already lost to Hillary, you’re not even wanted, go back to Congress My brother speaks more eloquently than thee GW: There’s an old saying in Tennessee... Fool me… can’t get fooled again.. Jeb: For shame! For shame! | Bernie: Heed not the right wing, the Bush administration, they have not your interests at heart Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution Don’t let them lead you to war This Congress does not speak for me The oil is calling their names. I pray the U.N. shows you mercy For the revolution! For the revolution! |
Bernie: Heed!
Jeb: We get it, twenty seven dollars.
Bernie: Bush!
Jeb: My brother kept us safe from…
Bernie: Have not your interests!
Jeb: Continue to scream and not debate with Hillary
Why should either of you democrats, instead of me,
be handed the presidency?
Trump: Jeb is a mess!
Jeb: [stammers]
Ensemble: Silence! A message from Bill Clinton!
A message from Bill Clinton!
Full Company: A message from Bill Clinton!
Alternate Blow Up You Campaign
Marco: Meet the latest endorsee from the RNC!
I probably shouldn’t brag but who else could it be?
The pundits say I’ve got the same leer and cheeks as my pops,
The voters say that’s not where the resemblance stops!
Only 44 but my mind is older,
Gotta be my own man, like my daddy but bolder,
I shoulder his legacy with pride, I used to hear him say
That someday I would
Ensemble: BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Voters, I’m lookin for some public twitter feeds,
Tongues been waggin all week, they said I tend to repeat
Myself when I talk about Obama, who doesn’t know what he’s doing;
Let’s dispel this fiction; Obama knows exactly what he’s doing.
Voters: I saw them just the other day, they were at Fox News
They were going to ask some questions
Marco: Well I’ll go challenge their views!
Voters: Marco, you’re a douche <3
Marco: Y’all look pretty chaste, covered down to your shoes.
How about when I get back, we all discuss our values?
Voters: Ok!
B-B-BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Twitter!
Twitter: Shh, I’m tryna critique this show!
Marco: You shoulda watched your mouth before you talked about Obama though.
Twitter: I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true!
Obama’s not that bad, but so, it seems, are you.
Ensemble: Ooooooh!
Marco: It’s like that?
Twitter: Yeah, I don’t fool around.
I’m not your little sad boi.
Marco: See you on the _____!
That is, unless you wanna step aside and go now.
Twitter: I know how to @ you.
Piss off, I’m judging this show now.
Twitter: Daddy if you had only heard the shit they said about Obama!
Jeb: Slow down.
Marco: I came to ask you for advice, this is my very first duel.
They don’t exactly cover this subject in Sunday school.
Jeb: Did your campaign attempt to negotiate a peace?
Marco: He refused to say Obama knows exactly what he’s doing!
Obama knows exactly what he’s doing; we had to let the peace tweets cease.
Jeb: Where is this happening?
Marco: Past the Keys in Havana.
Jeb/Marco: Finally, we can go back to Havana.
Jeb: All right. So this is what you’re gonna do.
Stand there like a man until Twitter is in front of you.
When the time comes, @ your tweet to the air.
This will put an end to the whole affair.
Marco: But what if they decide to @ me? Then I won’t live.
Jeb: No, they’ll follow suit if they are truly a conservative.
To take another white man’s life, you can’t hide that from the press.
Marco, the voters can’t take another mess.
Marco: Daddy--
Jeb: Promise me.
You don’t want this white man’s blood on your Wikipedia page.
Marco: Okay, I promise.
Jeb: Come back to Florida when you’re done.
Be smart, dispel the fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing, son.
Marco: My name is Marco
I am a poet
And I’m a little nervous but I can’t show it
I’m sorry, let’s dispel this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing
He knows exactly what he’s doing.
Twitter! How was the rest of your show?
Twitter: I’d rather skip the pleasantries, let’s go!
Grab your smart phone
Marco: Confer with your white men.
The feud will commence after we count to diez!
Count to diez!
Marco: Look ‘em in the eye, that Rubio charm,
Summon your god-given right to bear arms
Then slowly and clearly @ your tweet to the sky
UNO DOS TRES CUATRO CINCO SEIS SIETE
Alternate Photos
[4] http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/02/04/jeb-bush-audience-please-clap-new-hampshire-sot.cnn
[9] http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/02/04/nyregion/Timeline-George-Washington-Bridge-Scandal.html?_r=0
[21] http://www.nytimes.com/times-insider/2015/07/13/at-the-bush-compound-in-kennebunkport-reporters-notebook/
[31] https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/what-trump-didnt-say-about-his-four-big-business-bankruptcies/2015/08/07/bc054e64-3d12-11e5-9c2d-ed991d848c48_story.html
[37] http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2010/jun/09/arianna-huffington/halliburton-kbr-and-iraq-war-contracting-history-s/
[42] https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-would-seek-to-block-money-transfers-to-force-mexico-to-fund-border-wall/2016/04/05/c0196314-fa7c-11e5-80e4-c381214de1a3_story.html
[52] http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/republicans-hit-gun-control-gop-debate-article-1.2497715
[59] http://www.slate.com/blogs/moneybox/2015/10/28/lindsey_graham_talks_sense_at_debate_about_climate_change.html
[60] http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2016/02/lindsey-graham-just-perfectly-summed-2016-race-%E2%80%9Cmy-party-has-gone-batshit-crazy
[61] http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2016/01/26/donald-trump-will-skip-next-republican-debate-his-campaign-manager-says/
[62] http://www.mediaite.com/tv/it-is-a-debate-sir-wallace-pushes-back-against-cruz-for-complaining-about-questions/
[67] https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/politics/2016/01/22/what-polls-are-all-wrong/UZ2a0PRYqDxkD7cwr76NXN/story.html
[68] http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/268062-poll-trump-leads-jeb-by-17-points-in-nh
[78]http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/02/07/abc-news-gop-debate-awkward-candidate-entrances-orig-sot-vstan-cws-01.abc-news
[80] http://www.buzzfeed.com/christophermassie/rand-paul-will-fox-business-put-jeb-bush-in-the-undercard-de
[82] http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2015/mar/26/ted-cruz-born-canada-eligible-run-president-update/
[85] Florida-based Supermarket chain - http://www.publix.com
[86] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2013/04/30/mitt-romney-opens-up-about-mormonism/
[89] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2016/03/16/republicans-refuse-to-budge-following-garland-nomination-to-supreme-court/
[90] http://www.salon.com/2016/02/26/unintelligible_yelling_cnns_closed_captioner_is_fed_up_with_tonights_gop_debate_and_doesnt_care_who_knows_it/
[91] http://www.bustle.com/articles/123006-the-gop-debate-bell-is-the-real-star-of-the-republican-showdown-ding-ding-ding
[92] http://www.politico.com/story/2015/09/ted-cruz-planned-parenthood-2016-government-shutdown-214098
[97] http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/ben-carson-says-he-has-no-memory-of-running-for-president
[102] http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/02/04/jeb-bush-audience-please-clap-new-hampshire-sot.cnn
[103] http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/264642-romney-to-bush-i-dont-know-if-you-can-win
[107] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/02/07/how-chris-christie-just-owned-marco-rubio-in-saturdays-gop-debate/
[111] We actually wrote this song before Jeb endorsed Ted in real life
[113] http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/01/28/upshot/donald-trump-twitter-insults.html#jeb-bush
[114] http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3456653/Jeb-Bush-decides-suspend-campaign-disappointing-showing-South-Carolina.html
[118] http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/01/23/464129029/donald-trump-i-could-shoot-somebody-and-i-wouldnt-lose-any-voters