Jeb!:  An American Disappointment

   Like us on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/Jeb-An-American-Disappointment-270231769981797/

Follow us on Twitter

https://twitter.com/jebmusical

Visit our website

www.jebmusical.tk 

Playbill for Jeb!.jpg

HERE is the beginning of the actual play

For more information, contact alex.cohen.110@gmail.com

Jeb Musical.jpg



Reviews

“Possibly the best musical parody of a sad political dynasty in history” - Vanity Fair

http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/04/hamilton-ten-dollar-bill-redesign 

“[Jeb!: An American Disappointment] turns out much, much better than you could have imagined” - Vox

http://www.vox.com/2016/4/22/11465048/jeb-hamilton

“...it’s amazing...” - USA Today

http://college.usatoday.com/2016/04/22/crowdsourced-jeb-musical-is-ingenious-parody-of-broadway-hit-hamilton/

In what can only be described as an artistic feat, 19 people on the Internet produced the ‘Hamilton’ parody to end all parodies.” - amNY.com

http://www.amny.com/entertainment/hamilton-parody-jeb-an-american-disappointment-spoofs-presidential-campaign-1.11711389 

It's not as good as Lin-Manuel Miranda's work, but what is? In a world full of cheap, low-effort knockoffs, you've still got to salute people who go the extra mile to follow their own unique visions. In the words of another failed presidential candidate, "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" -Vulture

http://www.vulture.com/2016/04/latest-hamilton-parody-is-about-jeb-bush.html

“Within its Google Doc pages is something of a brilliant political satire.” - The Daily Dot

http://www.dailydot.com/geek/jeb-bush-hamilton-parody-2016-election-musical/

The Internet may have finally outdone itself with Jeb! An American Disappointment!” - The New York Observer

http://observer.com/2016/04/89-people-wrote-a-crowdsourced-hamilton-parody-about-jeb-bush/

Some college students spend their free time hanging out on the quad, joining a club, or partying. Others rewrite an entire Broadway hip-hop musical to center on a failed Republican presidential nominee.” - The AV Club

http://www.avclub.com/article/internet-wrote-full-length-jeb-bush-inspired-versi-235615

Some of Jeb!’s jokes and rhymes are sheer genius” - Slate

http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2016/04/21/jeb_bush_s_failed_presidential_campaign_makes_for_a_hilarious_hamilton_parody.html

"The best part is... a musical about Jeb Bush." - WNYC

http://www.wnyc.org/story/sideshow-jeb-the-musical-pats-bob-ross/

Some people who have way too much creativity and time on their hands invented the best thing to come out of the 2016 presidential campaign” - Orlando Weekly

http://www.orlandoweekly.com/Blogs/archives/2016/04/19/jeb-the-musical-is-here-and-its-hilarious 

Were you hoping for a full-length musical about Jeb Bush in the hip hop style of Broadway smash hit ‘Hamilton’? It's your lucky day.” - Orlando Sentinel

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/politics/political-pulse/os-20160419-story.html 

“A hilarious take on the original.” - Carbonated.tv

http://www.carbonated.tv/entertainment/internet-wrote-full-length-hamilton-parody-to-mock-jeb-bush

“The Pulitzer Prize committee should just give next year’s drama award out now to [Jeb!: An American Disappointment.]” - The Week

http://theweek.com/speedreads/619509/relive-comedy-tragedy-that-jeb-bushs-candidacy-jeb-musical

“...the sheer number of references they make to the events of this year’s election is impressive.” - The Wrap

http://www.thewrap.com/hamilton-parody-mocks-jeb-bushs-failed-presidential-campaign/

"The meter is nonexistent and every line is reduced to just end rhyme. This is some first draft, 'no bad ideas' shit." - Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble, Internet Commenter

The other day I read about a group of college students who had written a “Hamilton” musical parody about Jeb Bush. Could any idea sound less funny and more like a homework assignment?” - The Washington Post

https://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/tv/veeps-is-so-good-its-the-only-comedy-that-doesnt-need-trump-jokes/2016/04/22/53293eec-0746-11e6-bdcb-0133da18418d_story.html


JEB!

AN AMERICAN DISAPPOINTMENT! (Please Clap)

A story of the tortoise and the Hair (who shot him)

#YayJebby #PleaseJustClap #Jeb4Ham


Authors

(in alphabetical order by last name):

Anna Abraham

Maitreyi Anantharaman

Emma Bilbrey

Alex Cohen

Zach Cohen

Rachel Cohn

Sam Daitzman

Katie DeWitt

Alejandro Espinosa

Cassidy Hill

Luke Hoban

Molly Lippitt

Andreia Matos

Sophia Morales

Bridget Mountford

Caylene Parrish

Ariel Sauri

Hannah Schmitt

Sam Sledzieski

Rebecca Tarnopol

With assistance from:

Aliza Abarbanel, Chloe Arnold, Lukia Artemakis, Anique Barch, Adrian Belmes, Rohit Biswas, Jessica Borin, Elise Brown, Joshua Burton, Alexis Carel, Deborah Chai, Petrina Chan, Brandon Chang, Michael Chin, Phoebe Clark, Stefan Colton, Joshua Cross-Barnet, Lauren Dattilo, Payton De La Cruz, Zach De Ocampo, Mary Warren Dickens, Forest Edwards, Zach Ehrlich, Ross Floyd, Haley Fica, Stephen Friedrich, Sarah Harvard, Maddie Hartke, JT Hinchen, Jemma Howlett, Meghana Jayam, Kathrin Kajderowicz, Juliana Kaplan, Samantha Kargilis, Rebecca Ki, Dylan King, Michael Lahanas, Allyson Larcom, Alex Liao, Julia Machado, Jessica Malerman, Graedon Martin, Ethan Mark, Jade Matias Bell, Oren Maximov, Logan Metiz, Rachel Miga, Rekha Mohan, Zach Palumbo, Jenny Park, Evan Pincus, Anna Piwowar, Marisa Ray, Sam Rizer, Janine Rogers, Daniel Ruiz-Betancourt, Asya Sagnak, Emmet Sandberg, Caroline Sarkozi, Alan Silberberg, Pranav Sharma, Zach Silberberg, Apitha Srivicharnkul, Ruthie Stewart, Jessie Sparacino, Mason Tipton, Nathan Trivers, Eli Udler, Lucas Unze, Riley Woodford


Cast List

(Hamilton) Jeb! Bush: Please Clap


(Burr) Donald Trump: He Can Assure You, Everything’s Working

(Washington) George W Bush: Our Nation’s Decider

(John Laurens) John McCain:  His Only Regret is Sarah

(Lafayette) Lindsey Graham: His Party Has Gone Batshit

(Hercules Mulligan) Chris Christie: Bridges Hate Him

(Eliza): Florida Voters: Jeb Loves Them

(Angelica): Florida Interests: Jeb Wants to Be With Them

(Peggy) Florida Money: We Know It’s There

(King George) Bill Clinton/Barack Obama/Hillary Clinton: Evil Democrats

(Charles Lee) Sarah Palin: Almost Vice President (Wheeee!)

(Jefferson) Ted Cruz: Ready to Kill Again

(Madison): John Kasich: Aw Jeez People

(John Adams) Mitt Romney: Just Wants a Trump Steak

(Maria Reynolds) Intern from PR: Seduces Jeb With Promises of Virality

(Philip Hamilton) Marco Rubio: Sippin’ Water Since 2013

(Samuel Seabury) Bernie Sanders: Let Him Just Say This

(Grandpa Schuyler) Ben Carson: Those Hands...

(Theodosia) Ivanka Trump: Donald’s One True Love (After Himself)


Song List

Act I:

  1. (Alexander Hamilton) Jeb! Bush, Exclamation Point
  2. (Aaron Burr, Sir) Donald Trump, Chump
  3. (My Shot) My (Exclamation) Point!
  4. (The Story of Tonight) The Story of Iraq
  5. (The Schuyler Sisters) The Florida Machine
  6. (Farmer Refuted) Sanders Refuted
  7. (You’ll Be Back) You’ll Be Back (To Democrats)
  8. (Right Hand Man) Right Wing Man
  9. (A Winter’s Ball) A Summer’s Rally
  10. (Helpless) Voting
  11. (Satisfied) On Our Side 
  12. (The Story of Tonight Reprise) The Story of Iraq Reprise
  13. (Wait for It) Pay For It
  14. (Stay Alive) Stay in the Race
  15. (Ten Duel Commandments) Ten Debate Commandments 
  16. (Meet Me Inside) Meet Them On Stage
  17. (That Would Be Enough) At Least That’s Something, Right?
  18. (Guns and Ships) He’s Not Mitt
  19. (History Has Its Eyes on You) Fox News Has Its Eyes on You
  20. (Yorktown) Iowa (Jeb is the Best We’ve Got)
  21. (What Comes Next) Who Comes Next?
  22. (Dear Theodosia) Dear Ivanka
  23. (Non Stop) Full Stop

Act II:

  1. (What’d I Miss?) My Poll Numbers Jump
  2. (Cabinet Battle #1) Debate #1
  3. (Take a Break) Take a Break
  4. (Say No to This) Guac Bowls For This
  5. (The Room Where It Happens) Running for Office
  6. (Schuyler Defeated) Carson Defeated 
  7. (Cabinet Battle #2) Debate #2
  8. (Washington on Your Side) G.O.P.. On Your Side 
  9. (One Last Time) One Last Shot at the Campaign
  10. (I Know Him) I Know Him
  11. (The Adams Administration) The Romney Humiliation
  12. (We Know) We Know
  13. (Hurricane) Hurricane
  14. (The Reynolds Pamphlet) The Guac Bowl Memes
  15. (Burn) Bern 
  16. (Blow Us All Away) Blow Up Your Campaign
  17. (Stay Alive (Reprise) Stay In The Race (Reprise)
  18. (It’s Quiet Uptown) It’s Gentle Down South
  19. (The Election of 1800) The Election of 2016
  20. (Your Obedient Servant) Your Obedient Vice President
  21. (Best of Wives and Best of Women) Best of Friends to Sleep With
  22. (The World Was Wide Enough) The Field Was Wide Enough
  23. (Who Lives, who Dies, Who Tells Your Story) Who Wins, Who Drops, Who Memes Your Story


ACT I



1. Jeb! Bush, Exclamation Point

*DUN DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH*

        *doo dee doo doo*

Trump: How does the pampered brother, son of a George and a Barbara,

Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot with some Floridians,

By politics and Charles Koch’s donations

Grow up to somehow miss the nomination

Christie: The million-dollar, front runner, engraving gunner[1]

Got no farther by working no harder

By being no smarter

By being a non-starter

By 45, they placed him in charge of a state charter

Cruz: And everyday while votes were being written and cast away across the states

Jeb refused to be a goner;

Inside he was ready to be just like his father

But his brother was the one who the country went and honored

Kasich: Then a recount came[2]

And litigation rained

Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain

Called some lawyers to his office,

And started up a campaign

And he wrote his first refrain:

An exclamation[3] by his name

Trump: Well the word got around, they said

“This campaign is lame, man.

Took up a collection just to give the guy some game, man

Get yourself some donors

Don’t forget your family name

We already know your name, what’s your name, man?

Jeb: Jeb Bush, exclamation point.

My name is Jeb Bush, exclamation point.

And there’s a million things I haven’t done

But please just clap, please just clap.[4]

Florida: At 56 his brother split, term up, low rating

Next election saw McCain and his Party’s lead fading

What a joke

They realized they were quickly losing votes

(a hushed whisper) And Obama got elected and the Party went croak

GW: Thought he’d run the next time[5] but Romney went and shoved him aside,

Left him with nothing but family pride,

Something new inside, a voice

Saying “Jeb exclamation point, you should go”

He started retweeting and meeting every foe of Barry O.

Trump: There would have been more things left to do

For someone more astute

He would have regained and restituted

the Bush family institution

Started working, lurking on his big brother’s fan boards

Reframing something dumb he said, an image he can ill afford

Scanning for every soundbite he can get his hands on

Planning for the future, see him now as he plans for

That convention, heading towards Cleve-LAND[6] 

In Cleveland, get the nomination!

Ensemble: In Cleveland, get that nomination! (Just you clap)

In Cleveland, get that nomination! (Just you clap)

In Cleveland, get that nomination!

In Clevelanddddd

JUST YOU CLAP!!

Jeb Bush, exclamation point!

We are waiting with an “eh” for you

You always backed down

And Donald beat you every TIII-II-IIIIME, OHHHH

Jeb Bush, exclamation point!

America shrugs for you

Do they know what you overcame?

Do they know that you’re kind of lame?

The World will prob’ly be the same

Trump: Jeb is on the campaign trail, see if you can spot him

Company: Just you clap

Trump: Another Bush brother,

Scraped from the barrel’s bottom

Company: Just you clap

Trump: The Donald Trump destroyed his rep,

America said “Not him”

Cruz/Kasich/Christie/Graham: We fought with him

Voters: We, we… heard of him?

W: Me, I trusted him.

Rubio: Me, I loved him [daddy].

Trump: And me?

(music cuts out)

I’m up in the polls, 20, 30 points,

And then there’s Jeb, he’s got like 5 points,

He’s an embarrassment to his family, low energy,

What a sad, sad man, he’s a mess.

Ensemble: There is one big thing you’ve never done,

But just you clap.

Trump: What’s your name again?

All: Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point!


2. Donald Trump, Chump

Chorus: Two thousand and fifteen. Washington DC.

Jeb: Pardon me, are you Donald Trump, Chump?

Trump: That depends, who’s asking?

Jeb: Oh, uhmp, humph, I’m Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point, I’m at your service, Chump.

I have been…looking for you.

Trump: I’m getting nervous.

Jeb: Grump, I heard your name in New York, I was seeking to campaign for an elected office, when I got in this line due to this last name of mine. You prob’ly know it, my bro and dad both - they guided as they presided —

Trump: You mean as President?

Jeb: Yes! I want to lead this country, governed Florida, I ran and got elected, they looked at me like I was lame, I’m not lame. But for the general. How did George win double terms?

Trump: It goes to show just what the people will affirm.

 

Jeb: It’s coercion! Of course!

I’m his brother! God, I wish he hadn’t swore

That we were fighting a just war, Iraq lost us so much more 

Trump: Can I buy you a Trump Steak[7]?

Jeb: That would be nice.

Trump: While we’re talking let me offer you some deal advice

Talk…loud.

Say dumb shit.

Don’t let them know that you’re a raging hypocrite.

 

Jeb: You can’t be serious.

Trump: If you wanna get ahead,

Fools who are low-energy, wind up…Jeb.

Christie: Y-Y-Yo yo yo yo!

What time is it?

McCain: Vote time!

Trump: ...Like I said…

McCain: Vote time, vote time.

Yo, I’m John McCain right here in DC!

Couple pints of Budweiser[8] but I’m working for free!
Those Democrats don’t want it with me,

Cause I will take down these lib’rals ‘till we succeed!

Graham: Yes, yes, my friends, it is I, Lindsey Graham

South Carolina’s charming conservative front-man

I came from the South just to speak with my mouth

Use my soothing accent to get to

The White House

Christie: Braaah! Braahh! I am Governor Chris Christie

Up in it, lovin’ it, runnin’ the Garden State, New Jersey

Close down your bridges[9] and SubwaysTM, delays

These days, the gays are ablaze, please pass the mayonnaise? 

Graham: No more time for handshakes with Obama

Let’s raise a couple to our Party’s melodrama.

McCain: Well if it ain’t the prodigy of Fordham[10] Uni!

Christie: Donald Trump!

McCain: Give us a pump, say what you see.

Trump: Good luck with that, you're all gonna lose

You sit, Imma spit, we’ll see who they choose

McCain: Trump, the election’s imminent, what do you gloat for?

Jeb: If you stand for everything, Trump, what will you vote for?

McCain/Christie/Graham: Woah who are you,

Oh, it’s you,

We know you, dude,

Yet another Bush Brother, what’s he gonna do



3. My (Exclamation) Point

Jeb: I am not throwin’ away mah point!

Not throwin’ away mah exclamation - point!

Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,

And I’m not throwin’ away mah point!

Imma score support from the RNC,

I prob’ly shouldn’t brag but dang who else could it be?

Gonna win the nomination, save the GOP

Every day makin’ my way to the Presidency, you know it’s me

I’m the next Bush up in line, but unlike my big Bro

I told the Ivies no and taught the kiddies down in Mexico

That’s where I met a stunner, this biddie named Columba[11]

Learned some Español[12], scored her numba, and from huh (her)

I have gained a really lovely wife, true love of my life

And with her assistance we’ll win the Latino vote, right?

The plan is to man this platform and campaign

But I guess if Imma run then I should spell out my name.

I am the J-O, H-N, E-L, L, I-S, B-U, S-H, well

They call me Jeb, and that’s all fine and swell

Meanwhile these Democrats makin’ me yell, and Hell

Be the POTUS? Yeah, I guess I might as well.

Cause Barack’s left this land with an awful smell

He ain’t never gonna stop the gangs and drug cartels

So we need a new election, stop this infidel

Alarm bells

Ensemble: Go off as the Party yells

Jeb: But just watch as this Bush drops some mad bombshells

Imma put this nation back under my family’s spell

Cause sweet Jebby’s rhymes flowin’ like hot caramel

(CHORUS x 2)

Graham: I dream of neocon presidencies

Looks like November we will see GOP

GOP, how you say? A House Majority?

The progressive side’s dead with Bernie and Hillary

That’s a--

All (as Lindsey air dribbles a fake basketball and swishes into invisible hoop): Point!

Christie: Yo, I’m Springsteen’s[13] biggest fanboy

Spending 80 grand at the Giants’ concession stands[14], boy

I’m joinin’ up with Donald cause I’m sure it’s my chance

To advance, maybe he’ll let me be his vice presidance

Eh, you get my

All (as Chris Christie serves and spikes a fake volleyball): Point!

McCain: But we’ll never be truly free

Until we balance out this extreme far right GOP

All of you, gotta do what’s right for the Party

This Party, it’s about time to get this shit started

Like Pink!

All: Exclamation point!

Trump: Geniuses, move off to the side

I’m gonna make this election cycle one wild ride

I’m the orange, crass loud-mouth who can’t be stopped

You’re gonna be publicly taught; at debates, you’re gonna get mocked!

Jeb: Hey, Trump: Knock, knock,

Who’s there? What a shock, it’s Jebby from the block

I’m servin’ up some spicy guac[15], and it’s hotter than hot

If you can’t eat it you can leave it, and step right off my jock

What are the odds that God would put us all in one spot?

Poppin a squat on conventional politics like it or not

A buncha mediocre ammunition-friendly scared evangelists

Give me a donation—show me where the PAC money is!

Oh am I talking too soft?

I never get over excited, or ever shoot off,

I’ve never had a group of friends before.

I promise I won’t tick y’all off.

Someone (worried): Should we put him in front of a crowd…?

Jeb: I am not throwin’ away mah point!

Not throwin’ away mah exclamation point!

Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,

I am not throwin’ away mah point!

I am not throwin’ away mah point!

Not throwin’ away mah exclamation point!

Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,

I am not throwin’ away mah point!

Jeb Supporter: Everybody sing!

Jeb! Jeb! Who is heeeee? Who is heeeee? Who is heeee? Yeah!

Who-oo-oo is heeeee? (Shout it to the rooftops!)

Who is heeeee? (I said shout it to the rooftops!)

Who is hee?! (C’mon!)

Yeah! (C’mon, let’s go!)

Jeb: Rise up!

When your brother’s in command, you rise up!

When Trump is out of hand, you rise up!

Tell my mother that I’m gonna rise up!

Chorus: God, when is he gonna rise up?

He’s so damn drab; please speak up!

God, when is he gonna rise up?

He’s so damn drab; please speak up!  

Rise up!

Jeb: I’ve imagined this so much it feels more like a memory

How’m I gonna I win this? Beg and plead? Collect even more money?

I can feel it coming; I’ve got to run. Jeb don’t let it be!

2016 will be the year for me!

I never thought I’d live to see the day

When it’d be Jeb’s turn to have it his way

Ask any Bush why we go to war and beat Gore, settle our scores,

We’ve got to take the fast lane and the back door.

Scratch that, this is not the fast lane, it’s a campaign

Where the nomination’s a guarantee of your future reign

Dems oppose us, we take a right wing stand

We roll like Reagan, claimin’ our promised land.

And if I win the nomination? Is that a guarantee of saving our dear nation?

Or will the votes we lost begin an endless cycle of filibusters and stagnation?

I know the rallies for the Trump are excitin’, but Jesus,

Between all the screamin’ and lyin’ I’ve been speakin’ and sighin’.

We need to handle the far-right situation!

Are we a Party for bigots? Who’s our front runner blamin’?

I’m past policy ‘splainin! I’m relatively spendin’ every PAC donation

Every ad is an act of insultation!

I’m cryin in the face of polls that give me zero

But I got to be America’s hero

Chorus: And I am not throwin’ away mah point!

Not throwin’ away mah exclamation - point!

Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,

I am not throwin’ away mah point!

I am not throwin’ away mah point!

Not throwin’ away mah exclamation - point!

Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,

I am not throwin’ away mah point!



4. The Story of Iraq

Jeb: I may haved lived to see two Gulf Wars.

Christie/McCain/Graham: I may have lived to see two Gulf Wars.

Jeb: But I would love to send troops back.

Christie/McCain/Graham: But I would love to send troops back.

Jeb: And when our children tell our story...

Christie/McCain/Graham: And when our children tell our story...

Jeb: They’ll tell the story of Iraq.

Christie: They’ll tell the story of Iraq.

McCain: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq.

Graham: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq.

Jeb: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq.

McCain: Raise a glass to Freedom

Something we can give the Middle East

No matter what they tell us

Raise a glass to Saddam Hussein.

McCain/Christie: Remember we blew out his brain.

McCain/Christie/Graham: Telling the story of Iraq.

Jeb: They’ll tell the story of Iraq.

McCain/Christie/Graham: Raise a glass to Freedom

Something we can give the Middle East

Jeb: No matter what they tell us

Christie/Graham: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq

McCain: Raise a glass to Saddam Hussein

Jeb/McCain/Christie/Graham: Remember we blew out his brain

Jeb/McCain: Telling the story of Iraq

Christie/Graham: Let’s destroy ISIS in Iraq.

Jeb/McCain/Ensemble:

They’ll tell the story of Iraq

They’ll tell the story of Iraq

They’ll tell the story of Iraq

Christie/Graham/Ensemble:

Raise a glass to freedom

Raise a glass to freedom

They’ll tell the story of—


Ensemble: Iraq



5. The Florida Machine

Trump: The thing all politicians love most

Is goin’ down South and panderin’ for votes

They pull up in their super PACs and gawk
At the voters in the districts just to watch ‘em talk

Take a look at Florida, its machine is loaded,

But oh oh, little does it know

That its cogs—money, interests, and the voters

Work together moving candidates like motors

Ensemble: *Vote, vote!*

Interests: The interest groups

Ensemble: *Vote, Vote*

Voters: The voters

Money: And money!

Ensemble: *Vote, Vote*

V/I/M: The Florida Machine!

Interests: Interests

Money: Money

Voters: The voters.

V/I/M: VOTE!

Money: Florida said to not buy campaign ads.

Interests: Florida doesn’t need to know.

Money: Florida said to vote for guys who look like dads.

Voters: Seems like the way to go.

Interests: But, look around, look around

Election year is happening in Florida,

Florida,

America….VOTE

Money: Bad enough there’s no single candidate.

Voters: People need a nominee.

Money: Bad for me when the establishments abate

Interests: Which cand-i-date is for me.

Money: Look around, look around, in-ter-ests, remind me what you’re looking for.

Jeb [very hopefully]: Are you looking for me?

Interests: Um, nah, I’m looking for a mind that works (works)

Looking for a mind that works (works)

Looking for a mind that works.

Woo-aoaoh wooahoahoa eee WORKS! (woo!)

Trump: There’s nothin’ like runnin’ in the South.

Voters listen up: Imma run my big mouth.

Excuse me sir, I know it’s not funny,
But your money smells like… well, like it smells like
 money.

Why you spendin’ all your time with those nasty PACs

Take a big gulp of Trump, sit back and relax.

Interests: Trump, you disgust me.

Trump: Ah, so you’ve discussed me!

GOT A SMALL LOAN OF A MILLION[16], YOU CAN TRUST ME.

Interests: I’ve been readin’ Reaganomics and Ayn Rand,

Atlas Shrugged tricklin’ through my mind like sand

You don’t want a revolution, you want that nomination

We give no fucks ‘bout Obama’s nation.

V/I/M: We hold these truths to be self evident

That white men are created equal.

Interests: And when I meet Mr. Teddy Cruz (OH)

Imma tell him to keep the Democrats out the sequel… VOTE!

Voters: Look around, look around at how

Many candidates are still alive right now.

Voters/Money: Look around, look around at how

Many candidates are still alive right now.

V/I/M: Election year is happening, we’re attacking and we just happen to be in the sketchiest state in the U.S.! IN THE SKETCHIEST STATE IN THE U.S.! (VOTE!!)

Interests:

I’ve been readin’ Reaganomics and Ayn Rand,

Atlas Shrugged tricklin’ down through my mind like sand

You don’t want a revolution

You want the nomination

We give no fucks ‘bout Obama’s nation.

Voters/Money:

Look around, look around

Election year is happening in

Florida!

Florida!

V/I/M: We hold these truths to be self evident

That white men are created equal (woo!)

Look around, look around at how

Many candidates are still alive right now.

Ensemble: Election year is happening,

We’re attacking and we just happen to be

In the sketchiest state in the U.S.!

IN THE SKETCHIEST STATE IN THE U.S.!

(VOTE!!)

Ensemble: *Vote, vote!*

Interests: The interest groups

Ensemble: *Vote, Vote*

Voters: The voters

Money: And money!

Ensemble: *Vote, Vote*

V/I/M: The Florida Machine!

Interests: Interests

Money: Money

Voters: The voters.

V/I/M: VOTE!

V/I/M: We’re lookin’ for a mind that

Jeb (again, hopefully): Works, works?

V/I/M (looking alarmed) Hey…

Jeb (with more confidence): Works, works!

V/I/M (backing nervously away from Jeb): HEY!

Jeb: WORKS! WORKS!

V/I/M (turning their backs on Jeb completely): WHOAA!

(Jeb gives up trying to be the main ensemble guy and slinks sadly into the background)

V/I/M: In the sketchiest state, in the sketchiest state, in the uu--uuu--uuUU-S!

Everyone: IN THE SKETCHIEST STATE IN THE U.S.! (VOTE!)



6. Sanders Refuted

Bernie (yelling and wildly gesturing[17]): Hear ye, hear ye!

My name is Bernie Sanders, and I present

“Free Thoughts on the Proceedings of the War on Terror!”

Heed not the right wing, who scream about ISIS,

They have not your interests at heart.

Christie: Oh my god, tear this socialist apart.

Bernie: Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution

Don’t let them lead you to war

This Congress does not speak for me.

Trump: Loser! Weak!

Bernie: The oil is calling their names.

I pray U.N. shows you their mercy

For shame… for shame... 

Jeb:

He’d have you all right in his pocket, make you scream but the threat of ISIS is coming,

You have no plan, we’ve gotta win this.

It’s hard to listen to you with a straight face

Regime change and bloodshed already haunt us

Honestly, you should take a pause,

What about Benghazi?

They are to name for all of our pain and you want to blame Congress?

Bernie:

Heed not the right wing, who scream about ISIS,

They have not your interests at heart

Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution

Don’t let them lead you to war

This Congress does not speak for me.

Jeb: My dad speaks more eloquently.

Bernie: They’re playing a billionaire’s game.

Jeb: But strangely, your age seems the same.

Bernie: I pray U.N. shows you their mercy!

Jeb: Would they even do anything?

Bernie: For shame!

Jeb: For the nomination!

Bernie: For shame!

All: For the nomination!

Bernie: Heed!

Jeb: If you keep shouting, man, I swear I’m gonna-

Bernie/Jeb: Scream!

Jeb: Honestly, look at me, please don’t run.

Bernie: Not your interests!

Jeb: Don’t run for candidacy and then not debate with me

Why should the silent majority be regulated by liberality?

Trump: Jeb, let the big boys speak.

Jeb: Trump, I’d rather be low-energy[18] than paid by MTV.

You’re just a celebrity!

Chorus: Silence! A message from the Prez! A message from the Prez! A message from the Prez!



7. You’ll Be Back (To Democrats)

Bill Clinton: You say… my vice-president’s not a pres who you’re willing to take.

You cry… when the Bush you elect sends your men overseas, off to die.

Why so mad?

Remember we had all the 90s for me to be great

Now your choices seem bad

Remember despite the impeachment, I’m your man.

You’ll be back, soon you’ll see

You’ll remember our Democracy

You’ll be back, time will tell

You’ll remember that we’ve served you well.

F-D-R, J-F-K

Even Carter’s looking kind of great

And when the time comes to vote

I will send a fully armed First Lady to keep the Democrats afloat

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya da

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya da

You say our Party’s liberal, and you don’t pick Gore

You’ll be the one complaining when you’re at war

And no don’t change the subject,

Benghazi’s not the subject

Lewinsky’s not the subject

She’s my least favourite subject

I’m clever

So clever

So clever, so clever, so clever...

You’ll be back, like before

You will fight the fight and lose the war

Vietnam, napalm flames

You Republicans are all the same

When you’re here, we go mad

So don’t give these fools a DC pad

When you vote, face the facts

Please, oh please, choose my dear Hillbear

And I’ll let you play my sax

SAXOPHONE SOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (to the same tune)

[19]Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya da

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya - EVERYBODY

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya da

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya daaaaa duhhhhhh



8. Right Wing Man

Ensemble: The Democratic Party has their official candidates

Three experienced politicians in Georgetown's harbor

Hillary, Bernie, O’Malley – who’ll campaign harder?

Democrats have their troops, they surround our troops

Who even are our troops?

Jeb: As the child of the president I wished for some more,

I wanted to be more,

I knew I had to run a campaign!

If they tell my story I am either gonna die in Florida

Or run a great campaign!

I will run for this land

But there’s only one man who can lend me a hand for this campaign!

Understand, he already ran a winning campaign, Campaign!

Here he comes.

Ensemble: Here comes GW.

Trump: Ladies, Gentlemen, and Rosie O’Donnell[20],

Ensemble: Here comes GW.

Trump: The moment you’ve been waiting for,

Ensemble: Here comes GW.

Trump: The pride of Kennebunkport[21],

Ensemble: Here comes GW

Trump: George Dubya.

GW: We are outspent! The Dems expand!

Outnumbered, outplanned.

We gotta take a campaign stand

Ayo I’m gonna need a right wing man.

Check it

Can I be George a second

Your brother boy a second

Let down my guard and tell my broski how I feel a second?

Now I’m the model of a conservative president

The republican decider[22] and strategerer[23] whose men are all lining up

To throw me down a toilet bowl, writin’ articles to little kids ruining my very reputation

But the elephant is in the room:

The truth is in your face when you see our Party’s future go boom.

Any hope of success is fleeting

How can the right have any hope of leading when Trump is succeeding?

Can’t put a stop to conceding, lose Scott Walker[24] and Jindal[25]

Night takes Mike[26] and Rand[27].

We are outspent! The Dems expand!

Outnumbered, outplanned.

We gotta take a campaign stand

Ayo I’m gonna need a right wing man.

Incoming!

Jeb: Trump’s battering down the candidates, check the damages. RAH!

We gotta stop him, our Party’s image he mismanages

Let’s take a stand with the candidate God has granted us

Jeb’s got his exclamation point

Let’s rally behind this man.

GW: Sha-boom! Go the polls

Watch the Trump have his hay day, and

Sha-boom! Go the polls

We’re abandoning Carly[28]?

BOOM!
There’s goes Santorum, Rick!
[29]

BOOM!

We’ve just lost another Rick!

PERRY![30]

We gotta stomp Hillary quick, we can’t afford another slip

Polls and numbers addin’ up

The Party starts to divvy up our forces,

They’re skittish as Trump cuts the competition up

This close to giving up, we’re all losing brutally

I scream in the face of this conservative mutiny!

Are these the men who are to rule America?
We fight in February, DC in the distance

I cannot be your President again people,

I’m in dire need of assistance.

Trump: Hey, you, uhhh.

GW: Who are you?

Trump: Donald Trump, duhh. Can I tell you something?

GW: I guess.

Trump: So... 

I built a great company, one of the greatest

Yeah, I’ve had some bankruptcies[31]

But, hey, in summary

I used the law to my advantage and assistance

I’ll sure do it again—why exhibit such resistance?

GW: Huh?

Trump: I have some statements,

A couple of replacements,

On how to make this country great again.

GW: Yes?

Trump: Well... 

Jeb: Brother, you wanted to see me?

GW: Jeb, come in, have you met Trump?

Trump: Yeah, it’s really sad.                Jeb: Yes, we keep mee—oh

Trump: As I was saying, chump, I look forward to winning and seeing my way out.

GW: Trump?

Trump: Dump.

GW: Close the door on your way out.

*doo dee da duh*

Jeb: Have I done something wrong, bro?

GW: On the contrary.

I called you here because our odds are beyond scary

Your poll numbers are beneath you, but I have to ask—

Jeb: Bro?

GW: Jeb, how come so few have endorsed your ass?

Jeb: Aw, come on!

GW: Don’t get me wrong—you’re a governor of great renown.

I know our own last name carries a lot of sway downtown.

Both Mitt and John McCain should go behind you.

Jeb: The support of a bunch of losers? I don’t think so.

GW: Why are you upset?

Jeb: I’m not.

GW: It’s alright, you wanna win, you’ve got a hunger

I was just like you when I was governor.

Head full of fantasies of tax cuts and Iraq—

Jeb: Yes.

GW: Bombing is easy, lil bro, ruling’s a shock.

Jeb: Why are you telling me this?

GW: I’m being honest: We need someone electable who can get into that office

Our Party is a powder keg, about to explode,

We need a moderate to lighten the load. So?

Ensemble: I am not throwin’ away mah point!

Not throwin’ away mah exclamation point!

Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,

Jeb: I am not throwin’ away mah point!

GW: Bro, we are outspent! The Dems expand!

Jeb: The establishment needs all the help it can get, I have some friends

McCain, Christie, even Lindsey Graham. Okay, what else?

GW: Outnumbered, outplanned!

Jeb: We’ll need some Dems from the inside,

Some of Hill’s men who might let some emails slide[32].

I’ll write to Priebus[33] and tell him I need supplies, to rally the guys,

Help my campaign grow to a new size.

I’ll travel ‘cross our nation, giving speeches, turtles[34], vocation—

There won’t be another Bush vacation till my inauguration!

Ensemble: Here comes GW!

Jeb: Campaign!

Ensemble: Here comes GW!

Jeb: For office!

Ensemble: Here comes GW!

Jeb: For president!

Ensemble: Here comes GW!

GW: And his right wing man!



9. A Summer’s Rally

Trump: How does the pampered, brother, son of a George,
Go on and on, run into more of a phenomenon
Watch this mediocre, soft-spoken, excuse of a governor,
Be seated at the right hand of his brother,

W endorses Jeb right on sight,
Though Jeb can’t put up much of a fight, they’re tight.

Sure, Jeb’s skill at the debates are pretty mild,
Just another thing that keeps him from being

reliable with the... 

Ensemble: VOTERS!

Trump: There are so many to disempower!

Ensemble: VOTERS!

Trump: Under my rule they will cower!

Ensemble: VOTERS!


Trump: They frustrated and confused him

Malia Obama named her favorite teddy bear after him[35]!

Jeb: That’s prob’ly true!

Trump: 2015, a summer’s rally,
And the Florida machine has yet to be tallied,

Yo, if you win Florida, you start strong, son,

Jeb: Is it a question of if Trump, or what margin?

Trump/McCain/Jeb: Hey, hey, hey, hey etc.



10. Voting

Voters: Ooooh, for you, for you, for you, for you

He-ey!

Ooooh, for you, for you, for you, for you

Jeb, you got me voting!

Looking at your platform and I know your limits, I’m voting

But because I’m from your state I’m believin’ in it.

I have never been the type to try and really turn out

We were at a rally with the GOP, all burned out
Laughing with the interests as they’re controlling our nation,

Then you walked in and my heart went,

EXCLAMATION!

Tryna catch your speech as we sweat in the front room
Everybody’s hecklin and Trump’s top volume,
Saluting to the rhythm as we whine and sigh
Grab the interests and whisper,
Yo, he’s got my.

 

Voooote

Interests made their way across the room to you

And I get nervous thinkin’ what they gonna do

They grab you by the balls, I’m thinkin I’m through

Then you leer back at me and suddenly I’m

Voting!

Oh, look at those jowls, oh-ohhhhhh.

(Looking at your platform and I know your limits)

Voting!

(But because I’m from your state I’m believin’ in it)

Voting!

(Looking at your platform and I know your limits)

Still I will vote for you,

Still I will vote for you

(But because i’m from your state I’m believin’ in it)

Jeb: Where are you taking me?

Interests: I’m about to change your campaign!

Jeb: Please… lead the way. Please.

Voters: Floridian voters. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Jeb: Voters?

Interests: You need them.

Voters: Thank you for all your service.

Jeb: You may be thinking of my brother, or my dad…

Interests: I’ll leave you to it!

Voters: One week later
I’m making donations nightly,
Now my luck gets better every email that you write me!

Laughing at the interests cause they want their own agenda.

Interests: I’m just sayin’, Jeb will be a really good contender.  

Voters: Ha!

Two weeks later in the debate room stressin’

Megyn Kelly stone-faced as you’re askin’ for the presses,

I’m dyin’ inside as you whine and sigh,

And I’m tryin’ not to cry

Cause there’s nothing your legacy can’t

Do

Kelly makes her way across the room to you

I panic for a second thinkin’ you’re through

But then she shakes your hand and says, “I guess you’ll do.”

And you turn back to me leering,

Voting!

(CHORUS)

This Bush is fine, this Bush is fine.

Jeb: Voters, I got millions of dollars to my name,
Acres of land, troops to command,
And all my father’s fame,
I may not have charisma, a tolerance for pain,
But I’ve got American values and a moderate campaign,

Insane, your machine brings out a different side of me

Money will side with me, interests tried to take a bite of me!
No stress, my love for you is never in doubt,
We’ll get a condo in Orlando and we’ll figure it out.

I’ve had a presidential family since I was a child,
My father ran, my brother won, every campaign that they filed,

But I’ll never forget my first vote, without a doubt,

As long as I’m in the race, voters, I swear to God you’ll always turn out

Voting!

Voters: For you, for you, for you for you!

Jeb: My voters…

Voters: For you, for you, for you for you!

Jeb: I’m gonna get you

Voters: Voting

Jeb: Yeah!

Voters: Because I’m from your state I’m believin’ in it!

Jeb: Yo, my campaign’s gon’ be fine because my home state’s with it

Voters: I look at your platform and I know your limits!

I...I..I…..

Voters/Company: But because I’m from your state I’m believin’ in it!

(wedding music plays)

Company: In Cleveland, get the nomination

In Cleveland, get the nomination

In Cleveland, get the nomination...

Voters: Voting


11. On Our Side

Rally announcer: Alright, alright! I guess this turn-out is something. Now, everyone give it up for Florida’s number one influence, the Special Interest Groups!

Interests: A toast to our Jeb!

Company: To our Jeb! To our Jeb! To our Jeb!

Interests: Jeb Bush!

Company: Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush!

Interests: From your supporters

Company: The interest group… The interest groups

 

Interests: Who’ll give your campaign a push

Company: A push…

Interests: To your nomination

Company: To the RNC! To the GOP!

Interests: And the hope that you’ll provide

Company: Provide… provide

Interests: May you always

Company: Always

Interests: Be on our side

Company: Rewind

Interests: Rewind

Rewind

Rewind

We remember that night we just might

Rewind

We remember that night we just might

Rewind

We remember that night

We remember that

(doo doo doo do doo doo doo doo do)

We remember that night we just might

Remember that night for the rest of our reign,

We remember those other candidates tryna

Pander to us for their own gain,

We remember that harsh fluorescent light like a scene, wish you could escape

But Jeb, Exclamation, we’ll never forget the first time we saw your face

We have never been the same

Lackluster eyes in a dad-bod frame

And when you said “Jeb!” We forgot the dang game

Set our hearts aflame

All our parts aflame

Missin’ your last name.

Jeb: Looks to me like you could use somebody on your side.

Interests: We really don’t know what you mean, are you feeling well?

Jeb: You’re like… me! I’ve never had somebody on my side.

Interests: Is that right?

Jeb: I need somebody on my side.

Interests: We’re the Florida Special Interests.

Jeb: Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point.

Interests: What’s your platform on—

Jeb (nervously): Uh, unimportant. There’s a million things I haven’t done. Just you clap… just you clap.

Interests: So so so, so this this is what it feels like to find

Someone with brand name but a malleable mind

Less bombastic than Trump, but he’s still got some fight

He’ll prolly’ get more votes than Kasich might

And he’s still running, right?

Our conversation lasted two minutes, maybe three minutes

Every single thing we asked he agreed to, he’s

A dream candidate, we’re doing a dance

We’re gonna get his last name and get to tell him his stance

He’s a little bit lame but we gon’ give it a chance

We asked about his strategy, did you see his answer?

Hands started fidgeting, he looked entranced

Pulled a turtle from the pocket of his khaki pants[36] 

Stumbling, wow, we can tell but

His win will serve us so well

We wanna get him to the head of the race

Then we get a good look at his face and he is...

Jeb: Hopeless…

Interests: And we know he is…

Jeb: Hopeless…

Interests: And his eyes are just...

Jeb: Hopeless…

Interests: And we realize

Interests/Company: Three fundamental truths at the exact same time…

Jeb: Where are you taking me?

Interests: We’re about to change your campaign.

Jeb: Please, lead the way. Please.

Company excepting Interests: Number one!

Interests: We're lobbyists in a world whose only hope is the GOP

We've got to face the facts, our super PACs, cannot be aimed at democrats,

And Jeb’s the oldest, the establishment

And our best chance to influence the government, and the dollars spent

And sure, he may not have much flair

But all that matters is that he’s a multimillionaire

Voters: Floridian voters. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Jeb: Voters?

Interests: You need them.

Company excepting Interests: Number two!

Interests: We’re after him cause he’s a Bush descendant

That elevates his status we’d

Have to be naïve to set that aside

Maybe that that is why, we introduce him to the voters

Now they’re starry-eyed

Nice going, he’s gonna get elected

With our influence as his guide

Voters: Thank you, for all your service.

Jeb: You may be thinking of my brother… or dad…

Interests: I’ll leave you to it!

Company: Number three!

One Interest: I know these voters like I know my own mind

You will never find any group as gullible or blind

If I tell them to support him they will happily comply

They’ll be mine!

Interests: We’ll say he’s fine.

Interests/Company: We’ll be lying!

Interests: Cause when we fantasize at night it’s Dubya’s campaign

As we romanticize what might have happened if he hadn't made

Mistakes so quickly

At least our Jeb is still in the game

At least we get someone with the name

Interests: To our Jeb!

Company: To our Jeb! To our Jeb! To our Jeb!

Interests: Jeb Bush!

Company: Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush!

Interests: From your supporters

Company: The interest groups

The interest groups

Interests: We’ll give your campaign a push

Company: A push… a push…

Interests: To your nomination!

Company: To the RNC! To the GOP!

Interests: And the hope that you provide

Company: Provide, you provide

Interests: May you always

Company: Always

Interests: Be on our side

Company: On our side

Interests: And we know,

(shrugging and looking at each other) he’s a pretty okay guy.

And we know

He will always be on our side

He will always be on our side



12. The Story of Iraq (Reprise)

McCain: I may have lived to see two Gulf Wars!

Christie/Graham: I may have lived to see two Gulf Wars!

McCain: They were not blunders after all.

Christie/Graham: They were not blunders after all.

McCain: Cause if Halliburton stocks[37] keep rising

Christie/Graham: If Halliburton stocks keep rising

McCain: There’s hope for our ass, after all!

Graham: Raise a glass to Freedom.

Christie/Graham: Hey! Something you will never see again!

Christie: No matter what they tell us!

Graham: We’ll drink to lots more bombs tonight!

McCain: Raise a glass to Saddam Hussein!

McCain/Jeb: Ho!

Christie: Remember we blew out his brain!

McCain/Graham/Jeb: Woo!

Graham: We’ll tell the story of Iraq!


McCain: Let’s destroy ISIS in—

Jeb: Well, if it isn’t Donald Trump

Trump: Humph

Jeb: I didn’t think that you would show up.

Trump: Ha-rumph

Christie/Graham: Trump!

Trump: I came to shout insultations.

Graham: Spit a verse, Trump!

Trump: I see all of the losers here.


McCain: You are the worst, Trump!

Jeb: You’re so mean. You hurt my feelings, I’m in a slump.
I wish you’d stop bullying my friends and I, Chump.

Trump: I can’t, frump.

Jeb: Well, why not?

Trump: It’s just too easy.
You’re so sad and awkward and pathetic and cheesy—

McCain: Well, well, I heard
You’ve got a special someone on the side, Trump

Jeb: Is that so?

McCain: What are you tryin’ to hide, Trump?


Trump: You should go

Jeb: But it’s my Party

Graham: Wow

McCain: Ok...

Jeb: Leave us alone

Christie: Man…

Jeb: No more spite, Trump. I wish you’d brought this girl with you tonight, Chump.

Trump: You’re pitiful, but I’m afraid it’s unlawful, rump.

Jeb: What do you mean?

Trump: She’s related.

Jeb: I see

Trump: She’s related to me, she’s my daughter.

Jeb: Daughter… in-law?

Trump: No, my daughter. What a beauty, that one.
If I weren’t happily married and her dad…
[38]

Jeb: I will never understand you
How can you say that shit, you’re so gross!

Have you no conscience?

Trump: I’ll see you on the other side of the stage.

Jeb: I’ll see you on the other side of the stage.



13. Pay for It

Trump: Our government makes bad deals every day (day, day, day)

All the deals that we make send the good jobs away (way, way, way)

Our President is a disaster

All of our iPhones are wired

Well imma fix this disaster

Cause Obama you’re fired

I would not negotiate

Between the US and Iran[39]

The worst, I can’t tell you how bad

And we keep making crappy deals

Tremendously bad

Oh so very tremendously sad

And If there’s a reason I’m gonna win

The art of the deal is my thing

Imma make them pay for it

Imma make them pay for it

My grandfather was a hotel and brownstone sella[40]

But there are many things that those old guys can’t tell ya


My mom was a philanthropist

My father gave me a small loan

Before they died, I had turned their money

Into a fortune on my own

I would not reactivate

The Cuban Embassy[41]

The deal, it’s so bad, they don’t see

And we keep making bad deals

Tremendously bad

Oh so very tremendously sad

And if there’s a reason I’m gonna win

The art of the deal is my thing

Imma make them pay for it

Imma make them pay for it

PAY FOR IT X 3

Trump: I’m gonna make Mexico pay for the wall[42]

PAY FOR IT X 4

Trump: I am up in all the polls, I’m the greatest of them all

PAY FOR IT X 4

Trump: I’m not falling behind or running late

PAY FOR IT X 4

Trump: Together we will make America great

GREAT x3

Trump: Jeb faces an endless downhill fall

FALL x3

Trump: He has everything to prove, He has so much to lose

LOSE x3

Trump: Jeb’s pace is a slow and a steady crawl

CRAWL x3

Trump: What is it like in his loser shoes?

(Interjects) I don’t know, and I don’t care

Jeb is such a big mistake

He seems like such a fake

He takes and he takes and he takes

But money can’t help his campaign

A man that’s so lame

An embarrassment to his own name

And if there’s a reason I’m gonna win

When people like Jeb make me cringe then goddammit I will make them pay for it

Imma make them pay for it.

PAY FOR IT X 4

I would not negotiate

The way we have on trade

They’re taking the good jobs away

And if China had their way

We’d fall and we’d fall

Until we were worst of them all[43]

But if there’s a reason we’re gonna win

The art of the deal’s[44] my thing

Imma make them pay for it.



14. Stay in the Race

Voters: Stay in the race….

V/I/M: Stay in the race…

Jeb: I have never, ever been so despondent

Can’t even get an appointment with a Fox correspondent

The voters write, “George, sure, but never you, doll.”

I email back, writing to kids about football[45][46]

My constituents deny us endorsements, assistance

They only scream for Donald, like he needs less resistance 

GW: The voters aren’t coming!

Jeb: But you’re not running

GW: Jeb, listen, there’s only one way for us to win this

Provoke Donald, outright

Jeb: That’s right

GW: Don’t engage, stay out of sight

Let him talk himself out until there’s a fight

Jeb: Make it impossible for him to find a good sound bite

GW: Out-campaign

Jeb: Out-campaign

GW: Outclass

Jeb: Outclass

GW: Steal his wig quick, get outta town

Jeb: Wig-a-down

GW: Stay alive until this horror show is past

We’re gonna fly a lot of toupées half-mast[47]

Jeb/McCain/Graham: What an ass!

Christie: I go back to Jersey and my bridgegate scandal

Graham: I return to SC, I pray that they turn out for Jeb

McCain: I stay at work with Jebby Bush

We write speeches against Democrats

And every day’s a test of the RNC

And super PACs

Jeb: I offer folks kisses, I dodge Donald’s disses

I update my Twitter and emphasize my riches

And ev’ry day

Bro, are you sure the campaign ain’t remiss?

And ev’ry day

GW: Huh?

Jeb: With a sigh, I am dismissed

Instead of causes, he promotes awkward pauses

Foes can quickly make a stance.

Palin: Time to drill, baby, drill down!

Jeb: Yeah. I kind of want to say something, but wait—

Jeb/McCain/Graham: She never stops going off ‘bout how Trump’s great!

GW: Jeb, say something cool!

Palin: Right wingin’![48]

Jeb: I think that—

Trump: Bitter clingin’!

GW: What are you doing, bro? Say anything, go!

Jeb: But she won’t let me talk!

Palin: Proud clingers of our guns our God our religion and our—

GW: Goddamn it!

Jeb: What, bro?

GW: Let her rant, since you’re no pro.

Jeb: Yes, bro…

McCain: A thousand viewers are convinced by Sarah Palin’s speech

Graham: As she gets an interview, a platform for her to preach.

Jeb: News anchors always let her say what’s on her mind

She started saying all this stuff I cannot get behind

Palin: Washington cannot be left alone to its devices

Give Trump prices, he’ll fix all our crises

The best thing Dubyah Bush did in office is constantly whine

And leave the White House for good in ‘09.

Audience: Ooh…

GW: Don’t do a thing, you don’t have a good comeback.

Jeb: But—

GW: We have a campaign to run, save all your wisecracks

McCain: Strong words from Palin, are you gonna let them slide?

Jeb: I can’t think right now, and I’ve tried.

McCain: Then debate it.

Jeb Exclamation. You’re the only candidate I’ll join.

Jeb: McCain, do not let me forget my point.


15. Ten Debate Commandments 

Ensemble: One, two, three, four, five

Six, seven, eight, nine

It’s the ten debate commandments!

Trump/Jeb/McCain/Palin: It’s the ten debate commandments!

Number One!

Palin: The challenge: demand all attention.

They won’t apologize, they just want their nightly mention.

Ensemble: Number two!

Jeb: Don’t think they’re your friends, not for a second

Trump: Talk loud, be proud, use your insults as a weapon

Ensemble: Number three!

Palin: Have your arguments face to face

Trump: Negotiate a wall…

Jeb: Or negotiate stuff for the states

Trump: But they’re everywhere, ‘specially ‘tween borders

Ensemble: Scores and scores of immigrants cause disorder! [49]

Ensemble: Number four!

Jeb: You can only speak if someone invokes your name[50]

This might not bode well for my campaign.

Rubio: Either watch what you say and speak with civility—

Trump: Or pop off at the mouth and just deny accountability

Ensemble: Five!

Sarah Palin: Honor the Republicans and Reagan[51]

Ensemble: Even though the General Election hasn’t yet begun!

Number six!

Jeb: Show off your love for the NRA[52]

Whatchu say, gotta help the gun lovers get their way

Ensemble: Seven!

Sarah Palin: Get psyched to win!

Ready for that moment of adrenaline when

The MC says the debate begins.

Ensemble: Number eight!

 

Ensemble: Your last chance to retaliate

Send in your insults, or else your polls will stagnate…

 

Trump: It’s the frump!

 

Jeb: It’s Jeb Bush, chump.

 

Trump: Can we agree that I have the best words, grump?

 

Jeb: *humph*

But do you know words other than China, Trump?

 

Trump: Mexico? We both know that’s absurd, lump.

 

Jeb: Full stop, you’re saying voters take you seriously with that vocabulary?

Trump: Better say a Hail Mary.

Ensemble: Number nine!

Jeb: Don’t look ‘em in they eye or give ‘em thought

Find the little courage that you’ve got

Then count.

Ensemble: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine

Jeb/Trump: Number ten!

Ensemble: Take your shot!



16. Meet Them On Stage

Jeb: Graham, do you yield?

Trump: His campaign is fried; yes, he yields![53]

McCain: Now he’s by Jeb’s side[54]

Trump: Yo, we gotta shrink the field

Jeb: Jindal’s also done!

Ensemble: Here comes GW

Trump: This should be fun

GW: What is the meaning of this? What’s happening to our establishment?

Trump (eye roll): What a mess

GW: Graham, you always agree with me

And believe me, young Jeb will be the nominee

Thank you for your service

Trump: Where’s your age?!

GW: Jeb!

Jeb: Bro?

GW: Meet them on stage

Ensemble: Meet them on stage

Meet them on stage

GW: John—

Jeb: Don’t call me John

GW: This primary is hard enough without infighting

Jeb: Trump called you a liar. We called his bluff

GW: You solve nothing, you only split the Party into greater factions

Jeb: You’re absolutely right, but the voters are feeling no dissatisfaction, Trump is still way up

GW: John—

Jeb: I’m not your John—

GW: Watch your tone, I am giving strategery to the campaign, I am grown

Jeb: Sarah Palin, Donald Trump,

These fools take our name

And they keep on making fun

GW: Our names been through a lot, we can take it

Jeb: Well I am not a George, I don’t have your titles,

I am just a Jeb
But if you—

GW: No.

Jeb: If I caught them in a web

Of their lies, launch attacks on Trump,

I could fly above my polls, win over votes

GW: You cannot attack, Jeb, we need you intact

Jeb: I’m more than ready to attack—

GW: Your voters need in you intact, John, I need you intact—

Jeb: Call me John one more time.

GW: Go debate, Jeb, exclamation. Thats an order from your former head-of-nation.



17. At Least That’s Something, Right?

Voters: Look around, look around, an election year is happening in our state right now.

Look around, look around.

Jeb: How long have you known?

Voters: A month or so.

Jeb: Voters, you should have told me.

Voters: I tweeted at George W. a month ago.

Jeb: No.

Voters: I begged him to send you home

Jeb: You should have told me

Voters: I’m not sorry

I knew you’d campaign until the primary was won…

Jeb: The primary’s not done!

Voters: But you deserve a chance to meet your son.

Look around, look around, an election year is happening in our state right now.

Jeb: Will you relish being a loser’s constituents?

Unable to represent your values…

Voters: I relish being your constituents.

Look around, look around…

Look at where you are.

Look at where you started.

The fact that you’re in the race… well, it’s not a miracle.

But stay in the race. At least that’s something, right?

And if Little Marco[55] 

Shares of a fraction of your jowls
Or a fragment of your meekness,

Look out, America,

At least that’s something, right?

I don’t pretend to know
The challengers you’re facing

The flubs you keep creating

And… recreating every day.

But I’m not afraid.

I know who I support.

So long as you win Florida at the end of the day,

At least that’s something, right?

You have quite a legacy.

You have lots of money.

If I could give you personality,

If you would let me show my heart...

Oh, let me be a part of the Jeb campaign,

Of the tweets they’ll quote on Buzzfeed.

Oh, let this be the first election,

Where Florida is what you need...

At least it’s something, right?

At least we’re something, right?

At least that’s something, right…



18. He’s Not Mitt

Anderson Cooper: How does an uncouth, outsider, sexist, the owner of towers

Come to speak for a global superpower?

How will the GOP recover from this—

Trump: You’re fired!

Megyn Kelly: Leaves the moderators hurting, disconcerted, and tired

Yo. Polls are predicting armageddon

The Bush brother we know but don’t love is seriously slippin’

Trump’s constantly confusing, dodgin’ the simplest question

What the hell’s happening to America’s greatest institution?

V/I/M: Trump’s a threat!

Trump (pointing at Megyn Kelly): I’m saying this pig is insane there was blood comin’

out ofI’ll refrain[56]

V/I/M: Trump’s a threat

Trump: And I’m never gonna stop until I make Jeb

Drop, admit defeat, and raise his hands in shame, cause

V/I/M: Trump’s a threat

Trump: Watch me engagin’ em, escapin’ em, enragin’ em! No.

V/I/M: Trump’s a threat

Trump: I’ve got myself for most funds

V/I/M: Trump’s a threat

Trump: The Don can’t be outdone

Trump/Ensemble: (He’s)

Not Mitt

And so the Party shifts

GW: What’s happ’ning to the GOP? How could Trump form these rifts!

Trump: We could end this thing by Florida, know who it’ll be, but

For me to succeed, there’s something I still need

GW: I know

V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!

Trump: George, I know I can’t be with that wench (pointing at Megyn Kelly)

Disagreeable and pungent in stench, I mean.

V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!

Trump: George, they’re gonna have to pick me eventually!

What’s Jeb offering as defence? I mean

V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!

Trump: They all see my resilience

And recognize entrepreneurial brilliance

V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!

Trump: They’re gonna fight for our land back!

V/I/M: ‘MURICANS!

GW: You’ll steer us down the wrong track

Trump: Needs a right

wing man back

V/I/M: Needs a right

wing man back

Trump: You know we gotta get a right

wing man back

V/I/M: A right

wing man back

V/I/M: MURICAN!

Trump: I am the one who’s gonna

Win this damn election

Fix the Muslim infection

And get our right wing man back

GW: Jeb Bush, exclamation point!

Troops I sent to war are haunting you,

If we change tactics now, together we can turn the tide

Oh, Jeb Bush, exclamation point!

I haven’t been the best brother it’s true

But if you continue the fight

We might still make this thing right

The world could still remain the same, little brother...



19. FOX News Has Its Eyes On You:

GW:  I was dumber than you are now

When I was issued a DUI[57]

I thought the Rangers would attract more fame[58]

But as America’s number one guy

They smeared my every mistake

My PR team cried with me

In the White House I lie and fake

Knowing FOX News has its eyes on me                  

Jeb/GW: FOX News has its eyes on me.         

GW: Let me tell you, bro, I wish I’d known

When I was high on Texas glory

You have no control

GW/Company: Who wins, who drops, who memes your story

GW: Florida was quite a win

I know those schmucks believe in you

But take this warning from your kin

Jeb/GW/Company: FOX News has its eyes on you.          

Full Company: FOX News has its eyes on you.



20. Iowa (Jeb is the Best We’ve Got)

Ensemble: The Iowa Caucuses, two thousand and sixteen

 

Graham: Point, exclamation!

 

Jeb: Mr. Lindsey Graham!

 

Graham: Running for president fun?

 

Jeb: I’m less happy than a clam

I’m taking a pummeling, it’s extremely tough

 

Graham: Candidates

 

Jeb/Graham: They make your life rough

 

Jeb: So what happens if I win?

Graham: We start accepting science[59]

Our Party’s gone insane, we can no longer deny it.[60]

 

Jeb: Please just help me through

 

Graham: Go debate, friend.

 

Jeb: Really hope that I survive

 

Graham: ‘Til the shitshow ends, don’t blow

Ensemble: I am not throwin’ away mah point!

Not throwin’ away mah exclamation point!

Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m excitable and jumpy,

I am not throwin’ away mah point!

Jeb: I am the best you’ve got

Ensemble: Jeb is the best we’ve got

Jeb: I imagine losing so much it feels more like a memory

I failed to engage youth, I told the truth

The voting booth ahead of me

If this is the end of me, at least I have a friend with me

iPhone in my hand, a command, and my dad with me

Then I remember my money’s expecting me…

Not only that, but the PACs are expecting

I gotta run, gotta go prove myself

Gotta outshine my brother, get my picture on the shelf!

Get the tweets out on your phone!

Campaign Workers: What?

Jeb: The tweets out on your phone!

Campaign Workers: What?

Jeb: Tweet out until I’m on a social media throne

Through the night, we have one shot to run another day

We cannot let a stray egg account give us away

We will post up close, seize the moment and stay in it

It’s either that or meet the business end of a Facebook threat

The code word is “viral meme,” dig me?

Campaign Workers: Viral meme!

Jeb: You have your orders let’s live the dream!

And so the first Trump-free GOP debate begins[61] 

My opponents tryna beat me for this win

Teddy Cruz is fightin’ with the moderator, filling up with rage.

Cruz: (and Jeb in a mocking voice): If you guys ask one more mean question, I may leave the stage[62]

Jeb: Now that Donald’s at least for now gone away

Lindsey Graham is there waiting just outside the fray

How did we know that this plan would work?

We had a guy pulling his weight

Jeb/Ensemble: That’s right, Governor Christie!

Christie: This Jersey boy’s gonna be the POTUS fam

You better stay up in your lanes or I’ll make ‘em jam

 

Ensemble: Woah!

Christie: I tried to win this game before but then I lost to Mitt

Gotta supersize my chance at nomination ‘cause i’m lovin’ it

See imma keep it classy up against these ruffians

Watch all these others guys act like fools then to cover it

The voters gonna pick someone who needs no introduction

When you knock me down I get get the fuck back up again.

Ensemble: Health! Wealth! Gun Control!

Go!

What! What! What!

Jeb: After hours of debating, a young Chris Wallace stands at his brown desk

Cruz: We quiet our bickering as he frantically waves his hands to get our attention

Christie: And just like that, it’s over. We gather our notecards, we wipe our sweat.

Rubio: Young and old candidates wonder alike if this means we get to go home now

Jeb (interjecting): It’s your bedtime, Marco.

GW/Marco: Not. Yet.

Jeb: They discuss the results of our arguments

I see George W. scowl

We’re escorted away from our podiums

We all mill off into the crowd

Several thousands of people all trying to leave

Sharing chuckles and dull conversation

As I exit the building I know they believe

They could tolerate me as the head of their nation!

Campaign Workers: Jeb is the best we’ve got.

Ensemble: Jeb is the best we’ve got

Jeb is the best we’ve got

Jeb is the best we’ve got

Vote

Vote, vote, vote

Cruz: Vote for Ted Cruz, don’t vote for Marco Rubio!

Ensemble: Vote, vote, vote

Jeb: Gotta beat Donald Trump

Gotta get 3rd place

Ensemble: Vote, vote, vote

Rubio: I lost!

Christie: I lost!

Jeb: I lost!

Cruz: I won![63]

Jeb: I was the best they had!



21. Who Comes Next

Barack Obama: You say... my Presidency is one that you cannot abide

Insane… Obamacare passes, you vote to repeal fifty times[64]

I’m so blue

Remember we had a recession when Bush went away

Passed a stimulus too

Well even despite our estrangement, I’ve got just one query for you

Who comes next

After me

Do you think

You can beat Hillary

You’re on your own

Uhh… Awesome. Wow.

Do you have a clue what happens now?

Mitt Romney, John McCain

They look excellent compared to today

All alone, the GOP,

When the people vote for another liberal,

Don’t come crawling back to me

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya da

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya da

You’re on your own.



22. Dear Ivanka

Trump: My dear Ivanka, what to say to you?

You have my heart, you have your mother’s frame

When you came into the world, you smiled, and it made me blush
I’m dedicating my campaign to you

Beautiful women have always been my style

When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart

Even though I am so smart.

You have come to be an inspiration

I will debate for you

I’ll make it GREAT for you[65]

If I lay a strong enough foundation

I’ll use it well for you, to build a wall for you

And you’ll blow us all away…

Someday, someday

Yeah, you’ll blow us all away

Someday, someday.

Jeb: Oh, Marco when you smile I am undone

My (son)

Look at my (son)
Pride is not the word I’m looking for,

There is so much more inside me, now

Oh, Marco you outshine the Cuban sun[66],

My son,

When you accuse Obama, I fall apart,
And I thought I was so smart.

My father was president,

I swear I’ll be president for you

Jeb: I’ll make a million mistakes

Trump: I’ll go and raise up the stakes

Jeb/Trump: I’ll keep the votes safe and sound,

For you will come of age with our old nation

We will debate for you

We’ll make it GREAT for you

If we lay a strong enough foundation

Jeb: I’ll pass it on to you.

Trump: I’ll build a wall for you,

Jeb/Trump: And you’ll blow us all away…

Someday, someday

Yeah, you’ll blow us all away

Someday, someday.



 23. Full Stop

Trump: A-After Iowa I went back to the trail

Jeb: A-After Iowa I went back to the trail.

Trump: I finished up my tweets and some folks, I sued

Jeb: I ran for prez, Trump screamed and booed.

Trump: Even though he started way before my time,

Sad weak Jeb began to fall behind

How to account for his fall from the top?
Maaaaan, the man is Full Stop!

Jeb: Gentlemen of New Hampshire I’m curious, bear with me

Are you aware you could make history?

This is the chance to stop Trump or Cruz from running our nation

The energy behind my exclamation!

I intend to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt

That America wants me.

Trump: Pathetic!

Jeb, sit down!

America is angry, show me your polls

That’s all I have to say.

Jeb: Okay - one more thing!

Trump: Why do you assume that America wants you?

Why do you assume that America wants you?

Why do you assume that America wants you?

Soon that attitude may be your doom!

Why do you cry like a weak pathetic man?

Weak, weak, weak, just like your bro and dad?

Every day you’re sad, just the saddest man of all.

Keep on losing in the meantime.

Ensemble: FULL STOP!

Jeb: Polls are often quite wrong[67], we can ignore them pretty happily,

And nowhere are they wronger than in primaries,

The voter turnout is increasingly stalling,

Honestly that’s why the election seems to be calling me.

All: He’s just Full Stop!

Jeb: I practiced campaigning, I practically perfected it,

I got a ticket to my name but I wasn’t elected yet

Now for my last name to carry me

If not they’ll forget me

Legacy defined by turtles I gave for free

Trump: Weak Jeb rising in the polling in New Hampshire

Jeb: I was rising in the polling taken in New Hampshire![68]

Trump: Up from his sad sixth place in Iowa[69]

Jeb: Now what I’m gonna say might make some of you guffaw

 

Trump: Goes and proposes that he’s the best candidate! That pathetic Jeb is the very best candidate! Gives so many speeches, the establishment is listless!

Establishment: Boring old man, yo, who the f is this?

Trump: Why do you always talk about your bro?

The weakest president, after Barry O

Why do you bring up the Bush name can’t you see

Ha, gonna get that media for free

Why do you campaign with so little energy?

Campaigning day and night with zero energy?

Every day you sink even lower, very sad

Keep being weak

*clap clap clap*

Trump: Jeb?

Jeb: Donald Trump, Chump.

Trump: It’s the middle of the campaign?

Jeb: My polls have made a jump.

Trump: Why does this even matter?

Jeb: Because I want you to see—

Trump: What do you need?

Jeb: Trump, your supporters have more energy

Trump: Duh

Jeb: I know I talk too soft and I’m pouty

You’re terrible on stage, you’re so mean and shouty

Our Party needs a strong candidate, you’re not the solution

Trump: What’s your deal?

Jeb: Your campaign’s total dissolution.

Trump: No!

Jeb: Hear me out!

Trump: No way!

Jeb: A series of corporations, constantly failing[70]

Showing your lack of business savvy to the public

Trump: No one will care!

Jeb: I disagree.

Trump: You’re gonna fail.

Jeb: No, you’re gonna beat it!

Trump: Jeb, you’re a mess.[71]

Jeb: So I need a pep talk…

Trump: You’re such a sad man

Jeb: At least my dad rocks.[72]

You need to start losing

Trump: No, no way.

Jeb: You’re making a mistake

Trump: For fuck’s sake, go away.

Jeb: Hey, what are your policies, what’ll you vote for?

Trump: What?

Jeb: You’re the front runner but what do you stand for? Do you support the Republican Party?[73]

Trump Of course.

Jeb: Then leave it.

Trump: And what if you lose to the Democrats’ favorite horse?

Jeb: Trump, we debated, and we fought and we yelled

For the chance of nomination that the primaries held

For once in your life, do something for another

I just want to be pres just like my older brother

Trump: I’m building a wall, I’ll make it the best (Ensemble: They’ll pay for it, pay for it)

I’ll sue you and laugh as your campaign implodes

I’m taking my time, watching the country’s rejuvenation

Watching the greatness grow.

Interests: I am working through the whole South,

I am accompanied by companies who always pay.
Wall Street, the Koch Brothers, they will keep me in comfort for this campaign.

They are not a lot of fun but...well, they all outmatch you, for turn of phrase.

My meekest Jeb Bush…

Don’t forget to email.

Voters: Look at where you are.

Look at where you started.

The fact that you’re in the race...well, it’s not a miracle.

But you’ll win Florida. At least that’s something, right?

And if your state could share a fraction of your time…

If we could give you personality…

Would it be something right?

Trump: Jeb joins forces with John Kasich and Chris Christie to take a series of stances defending the moderates in the Republican Party, entitled the “New Hampshire Town Halls.”[74] 

The plan was to to give a total of twenty five speeches, the words divided evenly among the three men. In the end they hosted eighty-five events in the span of two weeks.

Chris Christie got sick after giving five.

John Kasich gave twenty-nine.

Jeb gave the other fifty one!

Trump: How do you think that you have a chance to win?

Speaking and talking like you’ve got a chance to win?

Every day you cry and you have no chance to win,

Not a single chance to win,

Trump’s the only one who wins!

Ensemble: Why do you run when you’re 30 points behind?

How do you go when you’re 4th place back in line?

How do you go without a single win this time?

Every primary goes by, not a single win or tie?

GW: They are asking Cruz to lead.

You can’t possibly be doing the best you can,

To get the people that you need,

You have to step it up, my right wing man!

Jeb: Keep running or let it go?

GW: I know it’s a lot to ask

Jeb: Keep running or let it go?

GW: To stand up to all these foes…

Jeb: Bro, do you want me to keep running or let it go?

GW: Keep running.

Jeb: Oh no.

Voters: Jeb!

Jeb: I have to leave.

Voters: Jeb!

Jeb: Look around, look around,

An election year is happening in our nation right now.

Voters: Voting...

Jeb: They are asking me to run!

Voters: Look around!

At least Florida is something, right?

Interests: He will always be on our side

He will always be on our side

On our side

On our side

GW: Fox News has its eyes on you!

All Overlapping:

        Trump: Why do you assume that America wants you?

Why do you assume that America wants you?

Why do you assume that America wants you?

Soon that attitude may be your doom!

Why do you cry like a weak pathetic man?

Ensemble: Full stop!

Interests: He will always be on our side

On our side

On our side

Voters: At least that’s something, right?

GW: Fox News has its eyes on you!

All: Why do you assume that America, wants, you?

Jeb: I am not throwing away mah point!

Not throwin’ away mah exclamation - point!

I am Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point (Exclamation Point)

Just please clap!

I am not throwing away mah point!


ACT II



24. My Poll Numbers Jump

Ensemble:  Twenty...Twe-Twe-Twenty-twe-twe-Twenty

Trump: Twenty-Sixteen
How does the sad, broken down, disempowered

Way-too-funded loser

Get all the GOP’s endorsements.

Fight the other candidates til he must for sure quit

Have it all, lose it all,

Ready for some more shit?

Republican Candidate.

Obama’s still the president

Every single televised debate sets a precedent

Not so fast. Someone came along from the bottom

Senator from Texas whom our Party had forgotten

He won in Iowa, we thought he had no chance

But he’s denyin’ science, got that whole Tea Party stance

It’s rather telling that no one has ever said[75]

You simply must meet Ted.

Ensemble: Ted Cruz is getting vooootes

Ted Cruz is getting vooootes

Ted Cruz is getting vooootes

Ted Cruz is getting vooootes[76]

Ted Cruz is getting votes

Lord, he’s been off in Iowa

For so long

Cruz: Obama destroyed this country’s very values

There is no more liberty

If you want that back

I’m your nominee

I came in first place at the Iowa Caucus

Then I said, ‘I Gotta go’

Gotta get out to New Hampshire

Get out and get the vote....

Ensemble: Aaaa-oooo

Cruz: My poll numbers jump

My poll numbers jump

Texas my home sweet home, gonna give me a bump

I’ve been in Iowa, meeting all the farmers

The polls are saying that I’m quite the charmer

But even with my success I still lose to Trump

Ensemble: Aaaaa-oooo

Cruz: There’s a post on my wall from some FOX news guy

Haven’t even checked the new polls yet

Heidi[77] be a lamb, darlin’ wontcha hit reply

It says the Media’s assembling a meeting

And that there’s to be another freakin debate, great!

And that I’m almost standing in center stage

I just got home and now I’m headed to New Hampshire

Ensemble: Headed to NH!
Headed to NH!

Cruz: Lookin’ at the Granite State I can’t believe Trump’s beating me!

Ready to face him in that next D-E-B-A-T-E

But who’s standin’ there when I go up on stage?

Both Ben and John Kasich standing quite far away.

John grabs my arm and I respond “What’s Going on?”

Ensemble: Aaaa-oooo!

Kasich: Ted, we are so confused as how to walk out onto this very stage

Can you get us out of the mess we’re in?

Ensemble: Aaa-oooo!

Kasich: Ben Carson’s inability to hear has left half of us right offstage[78]

I just want to hear my name and go

Where are you going?

Cruz: Uhhh...my podium

Kasich: Don’t leave me here!

Cruz: My poll numbers jump!

Ensemble: His - his - his poll numbers jump!

Cruz: My poll numbers jump!

Ensemble: His - his - his poll numbers jump!

Cruz: Headfirst to debate a bunch of chumps!

Ensemble: Headfirst - to debate some chumps

Cruz: I have my opening statement today

I guess I better think of something to say

They already called my name

Time to defeat Mr. Trump

Ensemble: His polls, they jump! Aaa-oooo!

GW: Mr. Cruz, welcome to FOX News!

Jeb: Senator Ted Cruz? Jeb Bush, exclamation point!

GW and Ensemble: Mr. Cruz, welcome to FOX News!

Ensemble: Mr. Cruz, welcome to FOX News

Senator you’ve been off in Iowa for so long!

Cruz: But my poll numbers jump!



25. Debate #1

GW: Ladies and gentlemen, you could have been watching anything in the world tonight but you’re here with us on the FOX Business Channel. Are you ready for a GOP debate?

The issue for the candidates: Donald Trump’s plan to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. Governor Bush, you have one minute sir.

Jeb: “Give me your tired, huddled masses yearning to be free,”

That’s what it says on the Statue of Liberty.

That’s the US creed, great words to live by.

Maybe we should let them in? Come on, why don’t we try.

Now, but Ted Cruz is a jerk.

He really thinks building a wall could actually work.

But try and guess why this plan is so whack.

The only explanation is that he’s the Zodiac.[79]

Ted: Not true!

Jeb: Oh, but the police sketch matches.

You want to build walls

While our middle class crashes? Uh, your priorities are wrong

It’s the economy, stupid, and you’re gonna get schlonged.

In Florida, we let immigrants in

We’re humane, you just wanna keep creating a din.

Your immigration plan is a ridiculous joke

It ain’t gonna make us safer, it’ll make us broke.

Stand with me in the land of the free

And let’s embrace our multicultural history

Look, my wife is from Mexico so don’t try me

When the people hear your proposals I’m gonna kick your hiney

GW: Thank you, Governor Bush

Jeb (solemnly interjects): You’re welcome.

GW: Senator Cruz, your response?

Ted: Jebby, that’s a nice poem you recited.

Your campaign stinks that’s why you were barely invited

To the big boy debate[80], wanna stay here?

Then you’re gonna have to stand back and listen to what I say here.

If we build up the wall, our crime rate falls

Our economy soars high, we create jobs for poor guys.

I do not like them, Uncle Sam-I-am

I do not like those Immigrants, their beliefs, their green eggs and ham.[81]

You think Columba’s birthplace matters, hey batter!

You must not know I’m Canadian[82], that’s sadder.

“My wife’s an immigrant, just trust us”

Yeah, stop talking.

Your bullshit is Hillary-ous.

And another thing, Mr. I’m-Such-a-Moderate!

Don’t tell me what to do or say, I’m not the odder fit.

Look at the Party’s ideals,

We’re moving far to the right

While you’re a centrist, way off out of sight!

Little Jebby Bush always coppin’ out with the populace

Pompousness--that’s how you keep your self-confidence

John Kasich, you think you’re relevant here? Please don’t kid yourself

Your new poll numbers are lower than a fucking elf!

You two, just keep dicking around.

Jeb, wanna kick my heiney?

That sucks, your feet are tiny.

GW: EXCUSE ME. Ted Cruz, John Kasich, take a walk. Brother, come with me. We’ll be right back to the Republican debate after this brief commercial break. Jeb!

Jeb: What?

GW: Dude…

Cruz/Kasich: Your plan is the worst--your plan is THE WORST

*hahahahaHA*

You have no pizzazz on stage and your plan is THE WORST.

Cruz: Such a moron who is also such a bore on stage just really makes me snore on

Kasich: You just really make him snore on

GW: Jeb, your bad debates are starting to wear me.

Jeb: I’m sorry but the other candidates up there scare me.

GW: Little brother, I’m on stage too, let my presence soothe you.

Jeb: Oh, while the other candidates pooh-pooh you?

GW: You need thicker skin.

Jeb: No, I just need to win. I have to save this Party

GW: If that’s your platform, it’s pretty damn thin.

Jeb (pointing at Trump/Cruz): Those two are horrible, their policies are non-starters

GW: Saying that’s easy, little brother, winning is harder.

Jeb (still pointing): They don’t have any experience.

GW: You don’t need to convince me bro!

Jeb: I hate those two so much sometimes...

GW: Then attack them more, yo.

Jeb: But what happens if I can’t carve out ideological space?

GW: Well, you’ll lose and have to drop out of the race.

Jeb: That sucks

GW: Get it together, brother. Your campaign is disappointing our mother.



26. Take a Break

Voters: Uno Dos Tres Cuatro Cinco Seis Siete Ocho Nueve

Marco: Uno Dos Tres Cuatro Cinco Seis Siete Ocho Nueve

Voters: Muy Bien.

Voters: Siete Ocho Nueve

Marco: Siete Ocho Nueve

Marco and Voters: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine!

Jeb: My dearest interests,

According to all known laws of aviation,

there is no way that a bee should be able to fly.

I trust you’ll understand the reference to

Another Seinfeld tragedy without my having to name the film

They think me the bee, ambition is my folly[83]

I’m another Bush, a pain in a tush, a massive pain,

Kasich is that other bee, Cruz is also a bee

And Hillary is a buzzin on her way to take the reigns

Interests: And there you are, a few states away.

Do you have to be a few states away?
Thoughts of you subside, then I get another email.

I cannot put the notion away!

Voters: Take a break

Jeb: I am on the campaign

Voters: There’s a little (Marco) surprise senator, and he cannot wait

Jeb: I’ll be south in just a minute, save my place

Voters: Jebidiah!

Jeb: Okay, Okay

Voters: Your son is forty-four years old today

He has something he’d like to say

He’s been practicing all day

Marco take it away

Marco: Daddy, Daddy, look

My name is Marco

I am a poet

And I wrote this speech just to show it

Let’s dispel this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing

He knows exactly what he’s doing[84]

Jeb: What!

Marco: Dispel the fiction Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing

Jeb: Uh-huh!

Marco: Because, again, he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing!

Jeb: Ok!

Marco: We must dispel the notion our President does not know what he’s doing - he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing!

Jeb: Bravo!!

Voters: Take a break!

Jeb: Hey, Little Marco’s pretty great.

Voters: Come down south with us for the summer, in your home state.

Jeb: Voters, I’ve got so much on my plate.

Voters: We can all go stay in Orlando.

Shopping at Publix[85]

Jeb: I know!

Voters: Buy some Disney tix

Jeb: I’d love to go!

Voters: You and I, at Epcot, when the night gets dark…

Jeb: I will try to get away…

Interests: My dearest Johnny Ellis,

You must get through to Ted Cruz

Debate with him and hold your ground

Don’t stop till victory,

Your favorite wealthy interests,

Back in the south remind you

There are rich men in your corner

All the way down in Dixie.

The email I received from you a week ago I

Noticed you used my first name in the subject line

I felt so honored, like we were buddies

I’ve never seen a candidate work so hard to be mine

It says,
Hi Helen, Jeb needs your help

With a comma after Helen

You’ve written

Hi Helen, Jeb needs your help

Anyway all this to say…

I’m coming home this summer, at the voters’ invitation

I’ll be there in Orlando, back in our home state.

I know you’re very busy

I know your work’s important

But I’m crossing through Cocoa

And I just can’t wait.

You won’t be a few states away…

You’ll only be a moment away.

Voters: Jeb, come back to Florida, the interests are arriving today!

Interests!

Interests: Voters!

Jeb: … The Florida machine.

Interests: Jeb...It’s good to see your face.

Voters: Interests, tell this candidate

Mitt Romney spends the summer with his family.

Jeb: Interests, tell these voters

Mitt Romney probably has like ten wives[86], anyway.

Interests: You’re not joining us, wait?

Jeb: I’m afraid I cannot be in my home state.

Interests: Jeb, I came all this way!

Voters: They came all this way!

Interests: All this way!

Interests/Voters: Take a break!

Jeb: You know I have to win the nomination.