Diary of a Superhero
Tuesday, August 16th
My mom thought the diary thing was a good thing, she bought me a new diary. I’m glad about this though. Last time I was caught with this thing, the cheerleaders came and fed me, but one of them was a girlfriend to a football player. This time my head went past the small hole in the back of the toilet and I ended up in the sewer system! Anyways, I realized I haven't told you about my habit, I mean just because somebody has a really bad habit doesn’t mean they have to be made fun of… right? My habit is farting, yes, I said farting. Does it matter? I just realized in my first diary, I didn’t introduce my family. So here it goes, I live with my parents and 17 year old brother, Revy. You see, my family is not what you would call a normal family. We all have this one unique weird thing that we do. My dad, yes Tushu likes to hoard Jenga blocks. He doesn’t make anything out of them. He just likes to store them and doesn’t allow anyone to touch them. Our attic and basement are full of Jenga blocks and no one is allowed to go there. Apparently, he’s not the only one in the family to do something like that. When my great uncle, Tony, died, my dad inherited enough building blocks to fill a room. It was the happiest day of his life. Revy thinks he’s storing them so that one day he can secretly buy a piece of land somewhere far away and build his own giant block house there. So, I guess if I ever start hoarding something when I’m grown up, I can simply put the blame on the genes. You must have heard about crazy moms before. Obsessive moms, ‘you can’t do this, you can’t do that’ moms, detective moms, moms who like to dress up their kids, moms who watch you twenty-four seven and well, you get the idea. My mother is all of these moms and more. She likes to know what I am doing every minute of the day and likes to poke her nose in everything. Since Revy is now seventeen and he can’t be bossed around so much anymore, I am my mom’s new play thing. She even counts the number of sugar crystals in my spoon before putting them in my cereal! As for my brother, well, he is just nasty and likes to make everyone cry. I mean he can literally make anyone cry. It’s like a talent or something. This one time, Jack, who lives in the neighborhood, dropped a mustard packet on the road. Revy screamed at him so loud and so much that he ran back to his house crying. Now, he never comes outside his house when Revy is around. Now for the smartest person in the family, me, obviously. My weird thing is that I fart too much, I have been Farting for as long as I can remember. Maybe even longer because my mom once told me that the first thing I did when the nurse took me out of her was Fart so loud that the nurse almost dropped me. But I figure she was joking. I might tell you about my Fart adventures some day. After visiting countless doctors, trying out scores of diets, exercises and having hundreds of medicines that don’t work, I have accepted the fact that I am going to Fart all my life. Also, my brother was wrong. I DO have friends or… friend rather. His name is Adam and he likes to play in the mud at the corner of the pond. He is used to bad smells and really doesn’t mind my Farting. Anyways, that is all for today.
Wednesday, August 17th
When I was in first grade, I used to like this girl, Bonnie Rodricks. She was my friend and we used to play ‘House’ and ‘Tea party’. She played the wife, Jimmy Piller played the husband, and I played their Farting dog. Not a very nice role, I know. But as long as I got to play with her, I was fine. The game went something like this, Bonnie would make food for the husband when he was out for work, when he came back she would serve him food and he would love it so much that he would kiss her on the cheek. Meanwhile, I, the Farting dog, would just look at them and Fart from time to time. Then one day Jimmy fell ill and didn’t come to school. I felt it was the perfect opportunity to grab the role of the husband and show it to her that I could be a better husband than Jimmy. She agreed to let me be the husband for the day provided I don’t Fart. I knew that I had to make a good impression so I resolved to keep the Fart in, no matter what. Before the game began, I went to the bathroom sink and Farted for as long as I could. I was ready. The game began. I dressed smartly and went out for work while Bonnie stayed at home cooking. Sometime later, I came back home. No Farts till now, great! As I sat on the table and she started to serve the food, I could feel a Fart coming on. It would be a disaster if I let it out. I struggled to keep it in. I wolfed the food down and exclaimed, “Wow that was the most wonderful dish I have ever tasted.” And leaned in to kiss her cheek. This was it. This was the moment where I would finally kiss Bonnie Rodricks and my Fart was threatening to escape. The struggle to keep it in was real. Just as I was about to reach her cheeks and kiss her, I accidentally let go. What followed must have been the loudest and the stinkiest Fart of the century. I still remember the way she screamed and ran away crying. Needless to say, I never saw her again or came close to kissing another girl, for that matter.
Thursday, August 18th
So, today my mom suddenly decided that I should try to learn how to swim. I had tried that once when I was 8. My mom had made me join this community swimming pool and it had been a complete disaster. I had Farted so loud and so many times in the pool that I used to get all these bubbles around me and this one five year old kid noticed it and pointed it out to the swimming instructor. “Oh look! That guy has his own personal bubble bath around him! I want one too.” He told the instructor, pointing towards me. I wasn’t allowed to swim in the community pool after that. They even put it on the board outside. It read “Dogs, cats, Joe Steve and Vihaan Jain not allowed.” Joe Steve is a senior in my school, in case you were wondering. He secretly peed in the pool once and would NOT have been banned from the pool if he had kept quiet and not gone around telling everyone about it. Since I was banned from the community swimming pool, my mom took me to this new club she had newly joined. They had their own private pool that the club members and their family could use. I had been instructed at least eight hundred and twenty six times by my mom on how I should not mess up this opportunity by Farting in the pool. She could not keep joining more clubs for me. I just made a face at her. I don’t like going near water more than what is necessary. I don’t get the point of swimming lessons anyway. It’s not like I’m going to go off on a ship, cruise, or beach that I would need these lessons. But when it comes to it, my mom can be very persuasive. So finally, though grudgingly, I had given in and agreed to take the lessons. But it happened and I hadn’t even reached the swimming pool this time. I was taking my shower before going into the pool when I thought this is a good opportunity to release all the air that I had stored in me. The water from the shower would cover the noise perfectly. I took a deep breath and started to Fart. I Farted a lot of times. They were long and slow Farts. I took my own leisurely time, Farting in peace and seclusion. I was in there for almost fifteen minutes before I was convinced that I didn’t have any more Farts left in me. I turned off the shower and stepped out. I got the surprise of my life. At least twenty people were standing in the shower room and they were all looking at me! I couldn’t for the life of me think how they knew. It turned out that sound of my Farts could not be covered even with the shower on full force, the club authorities were called and yet another place was added to the list of places I wasn’t allowed.
Friday, August 19th
So, Adam and I decided to go and visit the arcade today. Since everyone seems to have a problem with smelly people these days, on great persuasion from my side, Adam agreed to have a bath. We would have walked to the arcade but Adam has this habit of sticking his tongue out at any one he lays eyes on. The last time we went out together, he stuck his tongue out at a few high school students on motorcycles and they chased us across about 50 streets before we could finally escape by jumping in a lake and swimming to the other side. So, for today, I decided that we would go biking to the place. My dad had two spare bikes in the shed from when he was little. We decided to borrow those. After reminding Adam for about the hundredth time that he is not to stick his tongue out at people, then we went to the arcade. Thankfully, we reached the arcade without anyone almost killing us. But all this cycling had started to build pressure in my stomach and I could feel a Fart coming on. We went in to play the games. I could hardly control my Fart now. I was suddenly struck with an idea. I walked to the loudest game there was. A few high school students were playing near us. Some of them looked like they would vaporize us with just one glare. I decided to ignore them and started playing. Every time the game made a loud noise, I would let out a little Fart. No one noticed for a while. Adam was playing nearby. Suddenly, one of the high school students said, “Hey, Shawn? Do you smell that?” He said, wrinkling his nose. “Yeah, yeah I do!” said Shawn, looking around. “Uh oh,” I thought. Their eyes fell on Adam. “Hey! I know this kid. He is the guy who likes to play in the mud. I bet he is the one stinking the place up.” said a big dude with a large beard. “Oh, yeah? Let’s teach the punk a lesson,” said another big dude, pulling his sleeve up. They started walking towards Adam. I had to do something quick. He was my friend and it was my fault, after all. I tried to muster a huge Fart in me that I could and went and stood in between the space separating Adam from the students, facing the students. “Step away from my friend.” I said. I could see the rage that was slowly starting to show on their faces. I knew I had just enraged them more. I spun around and released all the Fart I had in me, on their faces. “RUN, ADAM!” I shouted and ran out of the arcade as fast as I could. Adam followed. My plan worked. The Fart was so bad and smelly that it made them pass out for a few seconds. It gave us enough time to reach our bikes and get a head start. But it wasn’t long before they got on their motorcycles and started following us. We pedaled as fast as we could. But what could a pair of bicycles do in front of those large motorbikes? Long story short, we had to leave the bikes in the park and jump into the lake again to save ourselves. We waited on the other side till we were convinced they were gone. We walked all the way back to the other side to retrieve our bikes, only to find that they had been stolen. Dripping and wet, we reached our street, too tired to speak. By the expression on his face, I could see that Adam was annoyed with me. But, according to me, we were now even.
Saturday, August 20th
Dad was pretty mad at me for losing the bikes. I have been grounded for 2 months and I’m supposed to help him around in the house. A job which I hate, might I add. It’s all just so sticky and dirty, (Mainly from Revy). For reasons beyond my understanding, my mom was mad at me, too. All that time in the lake and walking back home all wet gave me a high fever. I stayed in bed all day, Farting from time to time. When mom sent Revy upstairs to give me lunch, the smell in the room was so bad that he dropped the tray and ran away, he also threw up in the toilet. It turns out Adam went down with a fever too. My mom felt sorry for him and gave him a place in our shed to stay till he got better. I tried to convince her to let him stay on for longer because he didn’t have a place to go. She agreed on the condition that he would have to help around in the house. That’s certainly going to make my part in chores easier. It was like killing two birds with one arrow. My friend gets to stay with me AND I can get away from doing chores.
Sunday, August 21st
Today, my dad was quite taken by Adam and how much he knows about cars (another thing that my dad is crazy about). Sitting in the mud all day gives you a lot of opportunities to notice cars that move around town. In fact my dad has been so happy about Adam that Revy has bet mom five dollars that dad is soon going to consider adopting him. Sadly, today is the last day of my holiday. People in middle school are absolute jerks. It was so much better in elementary school. I remember the first day of middle school. I had reached school early that day so that I could sit next to one of the prettiest girl in class. I reached the class and learned that a couple of other guys had had the same idea as me. Most of the seats next to the girls were already full. Rejected, I was about to take up a random seat when someone walked in. It was Kyla Pearson. She used to be in elementary school with me but her parents had moved away from the town. I’m guessing she is back now. She put her bag down on one of the front row seats and sat there. Quicker than the speed of sound, I put my bag in the seat next to her and smiled at her. She smiled back. The looks of jealousy that I got from the other guys were priceless. It felt like god had decided to be kind to me. If only I had known what a mistake this was. The class started. Mr. Rogers was teaching us about American history when I felt a Fart coming. I had to hold it in. I had to make a good impression on Kyla. She was wiping her nose so I figured that she must have a cold. That was a good thing. She wouldn’t be able to smell my Farts. I tried to Fart as slowly and as noiselessly as I could, letting out very little by little. It seemed to be working. She didn’t notice the smell. But Mr. Rogers sure did. In the middle of his speaking, Mr. Rogers suddenly stopped and scrunched up his nose. “What the heck is that smell?” he shouted, “Who is doing that?” The whole class went quiet. I started sweating. I tried to hold my Fart in. “Who dares to play a prank in my class? Who dares to release that horrible odor in my class?” he screamed. He screamed on and on for five minutes then finally calmed down enough to start teaching. I guess my main mistake was holding the Fart in for too long. I just couldn’t take it anymore. As my wonderful luck would have it, my body decided to let go just when the class was the quietest. With a huge FAAAAARRRTTT I let the Fart out. Every single face was turned towards me as I sat there with my face completely red. I was sent to the principal’s office for misbehaving and trying to prank Mr. Rogers. As for Kyla Pearson, she hasn’t even looked at me properly in the eye from that day forward. Also, Mr. Rogers started putting on a clothespin on his nose from that day and the whole class decided to follow him. In just one day I had been laughed at and been nicknamed “Farty Panty”. I couldn’t figure out where the ‘panty’ part came from but I guess everyone is just stupid in middle school anyway. Everyone still calls me by that nickname, by the way.
Monday, August 22nd
So, today was the first day of seventh grade. We had a new person in our class. His name was Brady Hayes. He was tall, so tall that he could have easily passed for a high school student that is about to graduate. His family had just moved here. He told us that he was throwing a party tonight, so that he could get to know everyone better. His father is very rich and his brother is in high school and he knows how to party. So of course, no one said no to the invitation. The girls were swarming all around him. But that didn’t matter. I couldn’t believe it! I had finally been invited to a cool party and I was not going to let anything stop me from going. If I made a good impression on Brady, I could end up being his best friend! Being the best friend of one of the richest people in town, can you imagine what benefits that would give me? I could go to the elite pool parties and meet all the other rich people around town and roam in the best cars with him, maybe even impress a few high school and college girls. I really had to make a great impression on him. To tip the scales in my favor, I decided that I would take a gift for him. My dad was going to drive me to the party. I dressed up in the best clothes I had and did my hair in a way that I thought looked cool, which, I came to know later, was not the case at all. I stopped at the bakery on the way and bought a few cupcakes as a gift for Brady. I loved these cupcakes and was sure they would certainly tip the scales in my favor by a fairly large number. Dad dropped me off at his house and sped away before I even had a chance to say goodbye. The house seemed pretty quiet. I expected music blaring at full volume. Now that I noticed, the house was pretty dark too. This did not seem like the place for a party. It looked like no one was here. I heard the sound of wheels scraping against the gravel as a car skidded to a stop. I spun around me and saw someone get out of the car. It was a girl from my school, Betty Jenner. She walked towards me and looked at the silent house. “Where’s the party, Farty panty?” she giggled. “Ha ha. Very funny.” I said, making a face at her. “I think we got the address wrong. The Hayes have at least three houses in the city. We must be at the wrong house.” she said, looking around. “I thought they just moved here. They already have three houses?” I wondered aloud. “Well, duh. One for Brady, one for his brother and one for their parents,” She said. “Man, I need to get rich.” I said. She smiled. “Do you have a cellphone?” she asked. I shook my head no. “I guess we’ll have to walk then. My dad left too. I know where their other house is. It’s close by. Come.” She said, starting to walk towards the street. I followed. “But don’t Fart too much.” She said, laughing. Ah, she was taking this lightly. Thank heavens for that. I couldn’t believe my luck. I might actually end up being friends with her. “What are those?” she asked, pointing toward the cupcake basket. “Oh, these? Just a little housewarming gift for Brady. They’re from my favorite bakery and they’re delicious.” I said, looking down at the basket. “That’s… actually very sweet of you.” she said and smiled. Little did she know that these were my ticket to a comfortable and rich life with my new to be best friend. As we were walking toward the house, we could hear the loud music a block away. Thankfully, I hadn’t Farted yet. We reached the house. It was completely crazy inside. Popcorn was flying everywhere, people were screaming and dancing on chairs. It seemed like Brady’s brother’s high school friends were there too. There were speakers throughout the house in every room, all blaring loud music. The couch was completely wrecked and torn and someone was still sitting on it. I saw Brady standing with a couple of high school girls and made my way to him. Betty was with me. “Hey, Brady that’s a very… nice party you have going on here. Here, I brought you a housewarming gift.” I said, offering him the basket. One of the high school girls snatched it with a smirk on her face. “Oh look what we have here. A basket of cupcakes! That is so cute.” she said, pulling my cheek so hard it hurt. Suddenly the music changed and everyone screamed and headed towards the dance floor. I could feel a Fart coming on. I had to get away from Betty or I would spoil all the reputation that I had just managed to gain with her. I went toward the speakers. They were so loud that they would definitely cover my Fart noise. I found a place near the table where the music equipment was kept. It was secluded and the speakers were loud. It was the perfect place to Fart. Everything would have gone perfectly if it had not been for the microphone. Did you know that sometimes people keep their microphones on and leave them lying around? I knew the song that was playing and I knew the part that was going to come next was one of the loudest sections of the song. It was the perfect time to Fart it all out. With my face facing the equipment table, I got ready to Fart. Just as I knew the section was about to start, I released my Fart. It seemed like the heavens were not ready to be kind to me after all because at that very moment, one of the high school students decided to turn off the music and the equipment table behind me had a microphone on that was connected to the speakers. The sound of my Fart blared across all the speakers throughout the house. I think everyone in the party and also everyone living two streets away must have heard my Fart. I was red with embarrassment. Everyone went quiet. They were all looking at me. The people standing near me were scrunching their noses up in disgust. I could see Brady was furious and looking at me. I could feel my rich best friend dreams come crashing to the ground. Suddenly someone shouted “PUNK” and there was a roar of laughter and all the high school boys started screaming and clapping. Everyone else followed. “Is this who you have hired for our entertainment huh, Brady?” said one of the guys, bellowing in laughter, “I am amused, I must say.” My face was still flushed with embarrassment. I had to get out of here or these people would make my life real bad. I turned around and ran. Everyone looked at me as I went past them. One of the guys tried to reach out and grab me but I ducked and ran past him. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Thankfully, no one followed me outside the party. I ran for a few blocks then slowed down a little. I was upset and about to cry when I heard someone call my name. I turned around and saw that it was Betty. She was running towards me. “Vihaan! Hey, Vihaan! Wait up!” she huffed. I stopped. She came towards me, panting. She had something in her hand. It was my basket of cupcakes. “You forgot something,” she said and handed them to me, “They don’t deserve to have these cupcakes.” I took them from her quietly, mumbled thanks and started to walk away. “They are horrible and nasty people. They had no right to be so horrid to you. I don’t want to party with such people.” she said and started walking next to me. I felt grateful and relieved. I smiled a little. “You know, you are actually a very nice person. I just didn’t see it before. I don’t mind the Farts so much. I’d like to be your friend. Will you be my friend?” she said, extending her hand out for me to shake. “Yes, of course I will”, I said, my face lit up and I shook her hand. “Come on, we’ll walk home together”, she said, taking my hand. I dropped her at her house and ran all the way home in excitement. “I guess I’m not going to end up alone after all, but I have a new enemy to destroy.” I said evilly.
Read Diary of a Superhero #3 Camp Blues