For todays sermon and Hash Trash I will be reading from The Book of Hash, Chapter One, Verses 1 thru 33.......Behold, there was life........and there was beer..........

Now in the Ancient City of Columbia located at the Head Waters (Who said Head?) of the Broad and Saluda Rivers (well before the Tigris and Euphrates trickled down into Mesopotamia) there lived a simple man with very few talents and no wisdom to speak of......and that man was Mr Blowjangles.  And this man lived in a time when three Biblical and historical changes occurred in close proximity to one another....and the first.......the Cock had Crowed and the Chicken Curse had been lifted from the Ancient City of Columbia (USC Baseball Team as National Chamption)......and two, King James (a man) of a nothern land known as Cleveland rose up and left town to go live amongst the Jews of South Beach and display his magical talents (Lebron James goes to the Miami Heat NBA Basketball Team).........and the third.........Mr Blowjangles is visited by an Angel who tells him that he will be rewarded if he lays a Trail of cornmeal for those less fortunate and which will bring those downtrodden followers to a place to taste the sweet beverage from the grains of the earth....and it will be known as the Trail to Beer........

Now the word spread of Mr Blowjangles divine gift to lead followers (also called Hounds at this time) and that Mr Blowjangles would take the form of a Giant Rabbitt and be known as The Hare.  So from far away lands and from every direction came others to join in Mr Blowjangles journey..........there was Moses's smarter Brother...Melvin (Grand Master).....there was a man who arrived from the Dark Continent where men have sun baked skin........and the man was Nantucket Sleighride........who had just banished his Queen....Drama Queen Bitch, who just so happen to be a sister of Cleo Patra.........the original Drama Queen Bitch.........and from the east came a yellow man who had built the Great Wall of China....and then when he had built the Great Wall he realized he could not get out and and so he invented a ladder to get him up on the Great Wall....and he set the ladder a blaze, then he realized he could not climb down the other side so he had his army build him another ladder that he could use to climb down the other side of the Great Wall so he could be on his way......and becuase it took him so long to do all these things his time became known as a Dynasty.......and in other Dynastys his people had time to invent gunpowder, macaroni, and Chinese Checkers...........and his name was Cumfusion Say.

And from the Europen forests of what would become eastern Europe came a man they called The Man Who Brings Things....and he was known locally as Delivery Boy....and Delivery Boy arrived in a nice white unisex cotton shirt and was envied by everyone.  And from the west (but not to far west because that would be China again) came modern women of their times....such as Mama, Alice, Toots, and Veggie Tail, among others........and they had removed the yoke of servitude and refused to choose one of the original five female occupations......hunter, gatherer, prostitute, mistress, or dental hygenist........and they came to the Ancient City of Columbia looking for bargains and to join the quest for beer.

And there were others that arrived, including thieves, pillagers, murderers, adulterers, money changers (Hash Cash), moneyless vendors (Haberdashers) and who were looking for a miracle or a better way of life......such as the deaf, dumb and blind.......KB.F......the Retard (I mean special needs guy).......Peter Short Fellow........the wife abuser who knows how to spank a woman's ass and make it look like an accident......Twatanic........and there was a Hash God who appeared as a skinny, old man, because the last time he appeared as a Burning Bush the original Ancient City of Columbia was burned to the ground......and his name was Traveling Richard, but the locals called him Wandering Dick

Now the Hare told his followers to wait for a few minutes while he went and Checked out things but the Wanker never came back......so the Hounds (I mean Followersw) struck out on their own and since Mr Blowjangles had a hole in his grain bag they were able to follow his Trail............only Melvin (Moses' smarter brother)  got lost, but not for 40 years like Moses.....but for about 20 minutes........and the group became worried so they sent an expendable follower (one without a proper name......Jenni) to find Melvin (The GM) and when she did not return they sent P.P.......the warrior who could run with the antelope and often slept with them.........and he found No Name Jenni and the GM also found his way back to the Flock.....and the Ancient City of Columbia's Religious Advisor who was on this journey to cover it for the International Herald Tribune....the RA....known as LUFHSAB (which is Bashful spelled backwards) suggested the group make like a Sheperd and Get the Flock Out of Here......which they did.........but not before savoring the suds of frosty malt left by Mr Blowjangles.

And so the Hounds wandered the streets of the Ancient City of Columbia even entering the sacred grounds of those who had previously perished from drinking the skanky waters of the Congaree, from a flesh wound that got infected or who were killed because their neighbor coveted their wife.......and while in this sacred ground a follower known as Chips A Ho....a illiterate weaver of cloth and other such things boasted that the followers were on a Trail, but they were doing the Trail backwards and must follow it back until they intersected with with what Mr Blowjangles had intended....and since no one had a better idea they did...and at the end they were greeted by a gypsy riding a beautiful black horse which was pulling a cart of beer and who wanted to charge the followers a fair price for each beverage until the Hounds threatened to have their way with her horse and she relented.  So now the the thirst of the followers had been quenched a second time and many were ready to go back to their mud dried huts in the Ancient City of Columbia because there was a game of Kick Head (kinda like kick ball) in the neighborhood and the home team was favored and the heads of a gang called the Christians were to be used.........regardless......heads were going to roll.

And so some followers convinced the others to continue the journey and to not foresake their destiny to find a stream of beer at the end which had been promised by Mr Blowjangles........who had made a shady deal with a local vendor of fermented grain and had promised delivery before nightfall.  And so the Hounds did find True Trail, they did make it back from their long journey and they were parched from the travel and required massive amounts of sweet, fermented grains of liquid........and the followers hailed Mr Blowjangles for his success and as their savior who had brought them back home with no loss of blood, no road rash, no poison of the ivy, and no bites from beasts that inhabit the areas around the Ancient City of Columbia.

And so a huge celebration was held....with singing, dancing, special recognition for Virgins......one named Goldie and another one with a man's name called Bobby......and we honored those fortunate and those less fortunate.....and we went out of our way to make The Retard..........PSF feel special...............and we forgave Wankers for their sins....No Name Jaime for wearing a Classified Call Girl Billboard on her back........and we stopped those less accepting, such as Park It In The Rear who called for a good old fashioned stoning and then wanted to run her over in his new chariots that he uses to transport the elite of the Ancient City of Columbia and one has leather seats and two cup holders......

and we forgave P.P. for losing his sacred drinking vessel..........forgave Chips A Ho for advertising his business at a religious festival........foregave some poor and illiterate Wankers with Cranium Adornments..........and we also managed to name No Name Jenni.......who had done an extra Trail in searching for our GM (Melvin.....Moses smarter brother).....and although she did not find him.....she spread the word of beer far and wide amongst the locals by shouting that ancient phrase of "I come in piece...let's be friends".............which in the local dialect of that section of the Ancient Cith of Columbia is tranlated as "Fin Ger Us Me Us"............and so for her efforts at trying to find the Grand Master and for all her "hand on" experience in helping the Ancient City of Columbia's ongoing fight with plagues of Social Tramsitted Diseases.......she is now known as STD......She Tests Dicks.......Congrats.......On On!

And........what became of the Hare......the Trail Layer.......the Savior.........well........the Angel was right.......he was rewarded............you know that guy that wandered around handing out fish and bread and then told everyone to get off their lazy ass and go fishing and make their own bread.........Jesus.......I think was his name.......well Mr Blowjangles........got a leg up on him when the Angel gave him the skill and intellect to market fish, bread, and all sorts of foodstuffs and lay it out in a specific formation so when the city dwellers walk by they immediately see the most expensive items and all the stuff they don't really need but have to have.......subliminal marketing and social control/doctrination.........soon Mr Blow (he got rid of the Jangles part) opened up several Mr Blow's Food Storage and Beer and Wine Emporiums all over the Ancient City of Columbia.......he then retired and ended up living under the witness protection program........seems Jesus hired a hit man because Mr Blow stole his original idea.

So let it be said.......so let it be written.......On On and Amen.

LUFHSAB