My assignment last week from my students was to take a sentence from class warm up and write an another entry from it.  This sentence is one that stands out from the others, that begs the author to go deeper, that seems to have a subtext to it. This technique is called the Jump Off Sentence.

 

 

"I am not that smart but smart."


What did I mean?

Not the context

But what was I trying to say about whatever subject I was talking about

I am not that smart but smart

I am not that good of a writer but good

I am not that good of a mother but good

I am just under being great?

 

Why is that so intriguing?  Why not pick another sentence or phrase from the piece?  What is interesting about that statement?  The subtext of it is I am not good enough.

 

Well

I’m not.

Not good enough for a book contract.

Not good enough for my father.

Good, smart– but not enough?

 

What is enough?

I don’t know the answer to that, at least not a brief one.

Who makes up the criteria of “good enough”?

The media? Society?

 

Who cares about that actually? The point is, what does that mean to me or what does it make me think of?

 

Makes me think of the areas of my life that I have failed at.  1.)  Getting a book deal. 2.) My relationship with my father.

 

I finally get this. I have been successful at self-publishing, and it has brought amazing things to my life.  But I did fail at something else and it’s

 

OKAY.

 

I feel acceptance of that and wow no struggle

 

I have been a failure at a relationship with my father.

 

Wait

 

It’s not what you think.

 

I failed and I am okay with that and I think it was by a choice.

 

I fail to have a relationship with him because I can’t get what I want and I am unwilling to settle for what I can get.

It is what it is.

 

I do HATE that saying because EVERYONE uses it.  But EVERYONE uses it FOR A REASON.

 

It’s true.

 

There’s things I don’t have control over. One, a publisher signing me and two, my father calling me and showing interest in my life and, most importantly, me wanting him in my life–which, I guess, I don’t. If I did, I would make more of an effort.

 

But I do have control over whether or not my books ARE published– I can do it. And I do have control over if I pursue a relationship with my father, regardless of what he does.

 

These things I have made choices and decisions abou,t and I actually feel at peace with those decisions. Sure I get little pangs here and there­– pangs of rejection and self consciousness, but even that is okay because it’s just part of it all part of the humanness of life.

 

I wonder though, am I okay with it?  The failures? What does that even mean to be okay with it? Like smiling and gee whiz it’s great to fail or is it just the acceptance that you are not okay with it and in that acceptance, you accept it?

 

I have to say, though, when I say I accept the failure about the book deal, beneath it, I keep thinking it’s not over, and despite that I don’t want to admit it, I still am trying.  Why else go back to school and work even harder on my craft? Why else hope that a publisher or agent sees my books online somewhere and then wants to sign me? Of course I haven’t given up, but I accept that for now,  I have failed.

 

With regards to my father…I accept the failure and with it is a sense of relief.  I don’t have to keep struggling and pushing and trying.  But is this a failure then?  Well, I think what I fail at is accepting him as he is.  Accepting that it’s okay for him to forget birthdays, to not call for months at a time, for his proposition that I have the responsibility to call him too, to remind him of all these things. That I need/should do more, even if he doesn't reciprocate. I fail at accepting him for how he is because I have the image of what I want from a father, and he doesn’t fit any part of it.  Well, no, I do accept how he is that’s why I don’t bother sending pictures of the kids any more beasue he doesn’t care (he’s forgotten any pictures I have given him at my house or lost them). I accept that he doesn’t call to check up on me and my kids. I accept that he doesn’t offer to help us in any way. I accep it, and so maybe its not a failure.

 

Look where this jump off took me?  To deep deep places and I invite you all to try this technique and email me yours.