A Challenge to Rethink How We...

A Challenge to Rethink How We Dress Our Daughters

Flowers are beginning to bloom, our trees are beginning to bud. Our Oregon rain is beginning to dissipate. Summertime is fast approaching. It’s also time for spring cleaning. The kids’ closets are in great need (almost overwhelming!) of being cleaned out—things that are too small need to be sorted and either put away for a younger sibling or thrown out and it’s time to assess what they need for summer clothes. Obviously, the clothes companies are aware of this too, because my mailbox is becoming inundated with catalogs. But this time of year also brings up another great burden of my heart—modesty.

Dear sisters, I intend to write boldly on this issue. When it comes to modesty, because women have become so bold in what they will expose on their bodies and allow their daughters to expose, I feel before God that it is my Christian duty to respond in a bold way to this rising trend. But I do pray that my boldness will be a godly boldness and will be true to scripture and an accurate reflection of what God desires for us in this area. I understand that there are people who will disagree with how I apply this, but my prayer is that this article will be used to edify and strengthen the women and girls in our churches. I intend to focus mainly on how we are to dress our daughters—and not just our pre-teen/ teenage daughters, but our infants, toddlers and little girls. First I want to look at what God’s word says and then why he would say it. Then I will end up with the practical.

What does God’s word say?

There are a couple passages that come to mind. The first one is 1 Timothy 2:9-10: “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.”

This verse seems pretty straightforward--God wants modest dress and this is the standard of true Biblical beauty. The first question I had, when I read it, is what is the implication of “braided hair, gold, pearls, expensive clothes”? We obviously braid our hair, so is this a way of showing that this passage is cultural and therefore non-applicatory for today? According to Philip Ryken in his Reformed Expository Commentary on I Timothy, these were marks of vanity in the Hellenistic society—a sign of luxury. Women would spend hours weaving intricate braids with gems and gold woven in. This would have been a temptation to some of the women in the Ephesian church, as some of them were quite wealthy. This was also the standard dress for Harlots. Wealthy harlots were common because Ephesus was the center for worship for the goddess, Artemis—goddess of fertility. Prostitution was part of worship. For modern day readers, I think the application lies in the gist of what Paul is saying—that vanity is a part of immodest dress and don’t dress like a prostitute. I don’t think the braided hair, etc. it is an easy way out of the realities of this passage. The passage is not particular to the Bible time culture; it is still a command for today. Also important to this passage is that it first says what we are to not do—dress immodestly, but also what we are to do—be clothed with good deeds, esp. since we are women who profess to worship God.

Another verse to consider is Romans 12:1-2 “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

We are to present our bodies (and the bodies of our daughters) as a living sacrifice to God, not to every man in Wal-Mart. Part of giving our bodies to God is to give our bodies to our own husbands (and only to our husbands) in a God-glorifying sexual way and to teach our daughters to save their bodies for their own husbands in a God-glorifying sexual way. This is reasonable service. We are not to be like the world in this way. Again, we also see in this passage what we are not to do—be conformed to the world and what we are to do—prove what is the amazing will of God. (I mention the ‘positives’ of these verses in passing, but I will not be dwelling on them in this article)

Why in the world would God care about modesty? Why does He give us commands like these? God usually gives us his law for two reasons—to protect us and to provide for us. And one of the greatest things women need to be protected from is sexual exploitation.

How Modesty protects…

My friends, sexual abuse is real. Did you know that one in every three girls is abused sexually? This is an astounding statistic! And while I firmly believe that any man who mistreats a girl in this way will be fully accountable on judgment day receiving a just punishment in hell if Christ does not take that punishment for him, we as parents can and must do all that we can to protect our daughters!! And do not fool yourself into believing that most sexual mistreatment and abuse happens to teen girls. Studies show that this is not true. In fact, the most common time for a girl to be abused is just before puberty, when curves are beginning to form, but she still has child-like innocence in her body.

And I would go further to assert that not only do we want to protect our daughters from actually being abused, but even from men looking lustfully upon them. Lust—that word gets thrown around a lot when discussing modesty. And we women do not experience sexual lust the way men do, so we really have little idea what it means. What does it mean for a man to “lust” and why would you want to protect your daughter from it? Encarta dictionary defines lust as “the strong physical desire to have sex with somebody, usually without associated feelings of love or affection.” Lust does not have to be with someone you love or even know. And given the nature of the statistics for child sexual abuse, I believe there are many men “lusting” after young girls. And here is where I will get bold…can you honestly say that you are okay with that? Are you okay with the man on the towel down the beach desiring to have sex with your two year old daughter dressed in a cute little bikini? Are you okay with him going home that night with her in mind? NO!! The very thought churns our stomachs and makes us sick. And yet let us not be so blind as to say that given the nature of men and the nature of the statistics that it does not happen or that it would never happen to your daughter! May we dress our daughters—our infants, toddlers, girls and teenagers in such a way that men are not blatantly tempted to be so vile with them in mind!!

Is modest dress a guarantee that this won’t happen? No, of course not, but if there are 20 little girls running around in the vicinity of a man who tempted in this way: if 18 of them are in bikinis and your two girls are dressed in modest one pieces, possibly even covered with rash guards and shorts, then does not reason tell you that the man would look to the other 18 girls before your he does your daughters?

Oh, sisters, our daughters are precious—their bodies are precious. Is not God so gracious to give us a way to be proactive in protecting them?? Why, oh, why do we see how close we can get to transgressing his law? Why do we dress our infant daughters in bikinis—thinking it’s cute and okay since they don’t have breasts and hips? Why do we dress our eight year olds in mini-skirts thinking it’s okay because they still have a child-like innocence? It’s not okay. Child hood is a time when kids need our protection because they have no idea what is going on in the heads of men, it is not a time to see how close we can get without technically ‘breaking’ His law.

What Modesty Provides…

The second reason God gives us His law is for provision. What does God provide through modesty? When girls are dressed in a modest way from a young age they learn that their body is special—it’s worth protecting. They have seen you, as a mother, go through great lengths and hardships, probably at times even spending more money…why? Because their body is special. They see that you have protected them and are providing an atmosphere for sexual purity. They grow up feeling clean and lovely, taken care of, cherished.

Through modestly dressing your daughters, your sons will also learn that the body of a girl is to be cherished and protected. A home clothed in modesty will begin to train your boys to think of girls not as objects, but rather as cherished creatures. A home where the words “modesty” “purity” and “lovely” are commonly heard will be one in which these traits are cherished by all members, not just the women. Sons will observe when they see their sister model a new dress for daddy and daddy proclaims that the dress is modest and she is beautiful. Sons will learn that real men—Godly men—cherish purity and modesty.

These are not lessons to be passed by lightly—they have a profound effect for years to come as these same children grow, enter courtship/dating and marriage. One of the greatest indicators of a girl’s purity through adolescents and beyond is her relationship with her father—did he cherish her purity? Did he commend her modesty? Did he tell her that she was beautiful with her skin covered? Did he develop a loving and pure relationship with her? If so—she is more likely to remain pure. Did her father disregard or take no interest in her modesty and purity—worse yet did he abuse her himself? Statistically, it will be very difficult for her to remain pure until marriage.

What about in marriage? If purity is not cherished growing up, no one ever telling a girl she is lovely because she is pure, what reason does she have to believe that her husband will cherish her? Worse yet, if she is abused as a child, her sexual life with her husband will be one filled with doubt, suspicion and mistrust—hard barriers to cross those early years of marriage. But what if she has been cherished and protected all her life by proactive parents? She will feel confident in the arms of her man—he cherishes her as well and will protect her. Sex will be beautiful.

Never underestimate the power of cultivating a culture of modesty and purity in the home. And never underestimate the power of Satan to deceive you into thinking that because everyone else dresses their children this way, men must be desensitized to it and no longer tempted by it. I do not believe this is true.

I also feel it necessary to add a qualification here, and that is that I have been using the word “men” broadly here. I understand that there are very Godly men, who seek to be virtuous regardless of what women and girls wear. I do not mean to sound as though I am grouping all men into one “lustful, sexual predator” category. At the same time, I want to convey the idea, that men struggle with lust more than we women realize and that men struggle with lust towards girls more than we realize. And I would add, that the church is not immune to this. The temptations of Satan are real and powerful and good Christian men are not somehow automatically immune to them.

I would like to spend the rest of this article talking practical. First, I would like to discuss some general principles in choosing clothes. Second I want to apply these principles and look at some current popular styles. I don’t typically like to get this specific, but because I see so many church girls (not just my church here, but everywhere) wearing these styles, I feel it is necessary. Third, I’ll give a few practical tips that I have found to help in a world that could care less about modesty.

Basic Principles of Modesty…

Here are some principles that I recommend keeping in mind as you choose clothes for yourself and your daughters…

Principle #1— clothes should draw attention away from the body and towards the face.

Principle #2—cover skin. Don’t consider it enough if she is “technically covered”—i.e. nipples aren’t showing. Revealing too much skin is enticing.

Principle #3—clothes should match your desire for her—to be a Godly and pure little girl. If when people see her, they might think the opposite, you probably want to reconsider the outfit.

Examples of common, but widely accepted immodesty…

The following pictures are clippings from CWD kids catalog. I will use them to show how I apply these principles.

The first thing I noticed about this picture was the sharp contrast between the two girls. When a person sees the girl on the left (in the bikini), the eyes are immediately drawn to her chest and stomach. Not only does it accentuate breasts that she does not have, but it screams “look at my body, I’m almost ready” Compare her to the girl on the right—this bathing suit follows the principles more closely—her skin is covered and your eyes are drawn away from her body and towards her face. It would not be as difficult to witness to a stranger on the beach with your daughter standing next to you in this bathing suit.

(as a side note—I am not against girls wearing modest one-pieces. But I am so excited that right now Rash guards and surf shorts are stylish and widely available. So while I wouldn’t speak against one-pieces, our family has chosen the Rash guard alternative—and very successfully, I might add. Not only are they more modest, but they also offer great protection from the sun and our bikini clad neighbor kids were jealous of our girls and were actually over-heard begging their moms for some. J)

Here is another example of a popular style that accentuates the breasts and shoulders. This style entices men to visually, if not physically, caress the shoulders and neck. It does not draw the eyes to her cute smile.

This final example will probably be the most debated, as it is very popular right now. But it’s criss-cross pattern across the chest accentuates the breasts. Though possibly more subtle than the other examples, it draws attention away from the face and towards the chest. Do not be surprised to hear that some men would wish for the material to separate and expose what is underneath. (Just like men watch and wait to see if a mini-skirt will come up enough to expose the buttocks or if pants will come down enough to expose the panties.) Although this is an extremely popular style, I do not feel that it is conducive to the principles listed above.

I would add here, that there are many strong Christians who wear styles like this and it would never be appropriate to shun or look down upon someone who dresses this way. My intention here is not to condemn, but rather challenge women to re-think what they are putting on their daughters (or allowing their daughters to wear) and to consider the idea that there are other styles that would glorify God more and allow you to be more pro-active in protecting your daughters.

Here are some suggestions of things that have helped me on my quest for modest clothes…

--before shopping, pray. Pray that God would lead you to the modest clothes and give you wisdom and discernment.

--make modest clothing something you are always on the lookout for. When ever I am in a dept. store, I always scan the dresses section “just incase” I see one I like.

--do not be afraid to spend a little extra money for something modest. Don’t lower your standards to save a few bucks. If the more modest dress truly glorifies God and you are buying it to honor Him, He will provide the cash.

--get your husband on board. Ask him to examine your daughter’s clothing like an unsanctified man would and give his honest opinion. Have him set the standard.

--For little girls who have not learned to sit “lady like” bloomers are a marvelous thing. You can buy a pattern for them and they are very easy to make.

--Consider making a dress or hiring somebody to do it. I have no time for sewing these days, but I do have a dear friend, a young adult, in our church who lives at home and is very gifted in this way. She has made several things for our girls (including the afore mentioned bloomers)

--Sometimes dressing modestly requires suffering. Do not be afraid to suffer for Christ’s sake. Count your trials as joy.

--Does your daughter need to look like Laura Ingles Wilder in order to be modest? Of course not! There are many ways to dress modest and still be stylish.

--teach your daughter the word “modest” from an early age (i.e. my daughters learned the word at the age of 2 ½). If your daughter points to a dress that isn’t modest and says she likes it don’t respond by diverting her attention or just mumbling, “no dear” rather say, “That dress is not modest—see it draws attention away from your face and towards your nipples…but that’s not where we want people looking. It doesn’t glorify God for you to wear that”

If you feel challenged by this article, I encourage you to further study and meditate on these passages…

I Corinthians 6:18-20—“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

What does it mean to flee? (notice that most sins mentioned in the Bible we are taught to fight—but sexual sins we are told to flee) Do you see immodesty as a sexual sin? Do you honor God with your body? Do you honor God with your daughter’s body?

Ephesians 5:3 “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper of God’s holy people.”

Do immodest styles fall within a “hint” of sexual immorality? Are you fleeing them?

Colossians 3:12 “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience”

What are we supposed to clothe ourselves with? This could be a whole blog entry in itself!

I Thessalonians 4:3-5 “each of your should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable.”

James 1:27 “Pure and undefiled religion is this…to keep oneself unspotted from the world.”

The part I skipped about widows and orphans seems to grab all our attention in this verse but it is only part of the verse! When it comes to modesty—how do we keep ourselves “unspotted” from the world’s way of dressing?

May God grant to you grace and strength as you struggle through this issue. I know that it is not easy to raise sexually pure children in this day and age. But at the same time, God has blessed us with means to help. Lets take Him at his word and do the hard thing!