CHRIS
Aww...hells yeah.
CHRIS closes his eyes and leans his head back.
A loud noise occurs outside of the vehicle.
BECKY
What was that?
CHRIS
Aw hell, girl. It ain’t nuttin’. Don’t stop now, baby lova. You the bomb diggity bomb bomb.
A loud CRASH is heard as the mullet comes smashing through the driver’s side window. The mullet secures itself to CHRIS’S head.
BECKY
What was that?
CHRIS’S eyes roll back into his head as the mullet takes control. He now sports dark sunglasses and a sleeveless t-shirt. CHRIS reaches toward the radio dial and turns it until the hard rockin’ sounds of Foreigner’s ‘Hot Blooded’ fills the car.
BECKY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BECKY raises her head to see CHRIS, mulletized, and screams again.
MULLET CHRIS
Bitchin’.
MULLET CHRIS wraps his hands around BECKY’S throat, cutting her off mid-scream. The two struggle. BECKY pulls CHRIS’S hair. He lets her go. She uses the opportunity to twist the radio dial and the music changes to Peter Cetera’s ‘Glory of Love’.
MULLET CHRIS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MULLET CHRIS lets go of BECKY in order to mess with the radio. She grabs her purse and bolts from the car into the dark of the night. The sounds of Rick Derringer’s ‘Rock and Roll Hoochie Coo’ follow her out from the car’s open door.
EXT – FARMER JONES’ FRONT PORCH – NIGHT
MUSIC: Garth Brooks’ ‘The Thunder Rolls’
FARMER JONES and his wife, OPAL, sit out on their front porch in a swing. A transistor radio sits on the railing.
JONES
What a day, what a day.
OPAL
Yes, dear. Them hogs shore was a handful.
JONES
I tell you what, Opal. I shore could use a –
OPAL
Yes, dear.
OPAL goes down on FARMER JONES.
JONES
Aw, galdurnnit, Opal. You’re a peach.
FARMER JONES closes his eyes and leans his head back.
They hear a car coming in the distance. They see its headlights come around the bend. The car flies by their house at 100 mph and then screeches to a halt. The car backs up and pulls into FARMER JONES’S driveway. OPAL raises her head. FARMER JONES grabs the shotgun at his side and points it at the parked car. MULLET CHRIS gets out. Golden Earring’s ‘Radar Love’ screams from the car stereo.
JONES
Who the hell are you, boy? This ere’s private property.
MULLET CHRIS
{Moans}
MULLET CHRIS walks toward the couple, arms outstretched.
JONES
Goddamn druggie longhairs.
FARMER JONES fires his double barrel into MULLET CHRIS’S chest.
MULLET CHRIS is unfazed and pauses only to light a cigarette. He draws ever closer. OPAL screams. FARMER JONES scrambles to reload. MULLET CHRIS steps onto the porch and the mullet atop his head begins to reproduce by dividing itself. One mullet jumps from his head and onto OPAL’S. Another jumps onto FARMER JONES’S. The change in the couple is instantaneous.
JONES AND OPAL
Bitchin’.
MULLET CHRIS plays with the radio dial until he stumbles upon Kansas’s ‘Carry on Wayward Son.’ He then turns around. FARMER JONES and OPAL rise and follow him to the car. They back out of the driveway and roar off into the night.
EXT – BACK ALLEY OF THE BROWN EYE, A GAY BAR – NIGHT
Music: Erasure’s ‘Chorus’
ALEX and ROB hug and kiss in the alley behind The Brown Eye.
ALEX
Mmmm...I love this song.
ROB
Me too.
ROB goes down on ALEX.
ALEX
Oh Rob, what will our wives say?
A ruckus sounds from inside the bar. The music comes to an abrupt halt. Erasure is replaced with Foghat’s ‘Slow Ride’.
ALEX AND ROB
Oh my goodness!
The Brown Eye’s back door flies open. A mullet army streams out from inside. MULLET CHRIS is there within its ranks as are Mullet FARMER JONES and MULLET OPAL. ALEX and ROB huddle down behind a dumpster.
ALEX
What are they? And what’s wrong with their hair?
ROB
They’re some kind of mullet-headed zombies! Look!
ROB points to a pair of mulletheads walking through the door.
ROB
There’s Cisco and Davíd. And look! It’s Julio. Good lord. Are those cut-off camouflage shorts he’s wearing? What happened to those nice, form-fitting, ostrich-skin pants?
ALEX
Oh, Rob! This is unbelievable!
The mullet zombies continue to march out from inside the bar. ALEX and ROB wait in hiding. When the last mullet zombie leaves the alley, the two men rise from their hiding spot, holding hands. They are frantic.
ROB
What are we going to do? The whole city is in danger.
ALEX
Those mullets are a virus. And one way or another, Rob, it’s up to us to avert this disaster.
The two men hug, kiss, look around, then ROB goes down on ALEX again.
EXT – OVERHEAD OF CITY – LATE NIGHT
Music: Deep Purple’s ‘Smoke on the Water’
The city is in flaming chaos. Mullet zombies, in their aviator sunglasses and sleeveless shirts stalk the streets in search of fresh prey and music that doesn’t rock.
The mullet zombies begin to congregate in the city square. They arrive on foot, by Chevy Camaro, and in the beds of pickup trucks.
EXT – OVERHEAD OF CAR DRIVING DOWN CITY STREET – LATE NIGHT
Music: Pet Shop Boys’ ‘Suburbia’
ALEX and ROB, together, driving down a street of an affluent suburb. The street ahead becomes clogged with stalled cars.
INT – ALEX AND ROB’S CAR – LATE NIGHT
Music (faded): Pet Shop Boys’ ‘Suburbia’
ALEX
What the hell’s going on here? It’s three in the morning. Why is there a traffic jam?
ROB
I smell axle grease! It’s got to be those mullets, Alex! Let’s check it out.
They agree, look into each other’s eyes, nod once, smooch, and open their doors. Wailing guitars can be heard up towards the intersection.
EXT – SUBURBAN STREET – LATE NIGHT
Music (faded, growing louder): Bachman Turner Overdrive’s ‘You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet’
The street is clogged with cars as ALEX and ROB make their way to the intersection in hopes of finding out why they’ve encountered a traffic jam.
In the middle of the intersection the two men spot the problem. Stalled smack dab in the cross section is a Chevy El Camino. On its roof stands GARY BLACK, a tall, tanned man, dressed all in leather, pitch-black hair tied back in a ponytail, and wielding two katanas. Piles of slashed and sliced mullet zombies lie about his car. Three more mullet zombies draw near him from behind.
ROB
Look out behind you! Mullets at your rear!
With no hesitation, GARY BLACK spins around to scalp two of the mullet zombies. Then, with a dandy double poke, he removes the eyes from the still-standing mullet zombie. The zombie wanders away in blind confusion. GARY BLACK spins and points his eyeball-tipped katanas at ROB.
GARY BLACK
You, in the silk shirt, turn off that goddamn radio!
ROB locates the source of the music and rushes over to the open car door to shut off the radio.
GARY BLACK
Jesus, thank you. I was about to go ballistic.
ALEX
What happened here?
GARY BLACK
Hold the questions, hot pants. I got the swords. I’ll do the inquisitin’. Where are you guys headed?
ALEX
A mullet swarm almost got us at the club so we decided to follow them. They seemed to be headed towards the square.
ROB
And they looked absolutely dreadful!
GARY BLACK
That’s unavoidable in this situation.
ALEX
What do you mean? You’ve seen this before?
GARY BLACK
Unfortunately, yes. Twenty years ago in Akron. Goddamn mullet zombies killed my family.
ROB
How do we stop them? If I hear one more late 70’s rock anthem, I’m going to have a hissy.
GARY BLACK
(jumping down from the El Camino)
You and me both, Susie. Look, we have to remove their hair. It’s the only thing that stops them. You said the mob you saw was headed toward the city square? You two have to get there fast. Here, take my katanas.
ROB
(handing his katana to ALEX)
No thanks. These hair care nightmares are going to have to face me like the newly enrolled cosmetology student I am. I’ve got an emergency hair kit in the trunk that’ll make short work of any short-longs.
ALEX
(to GARY BLACK)
You’re not coming with us?
GARY BLACK
No. I have to get to my garage. I’ve been working on something just in case I ever again ran into a problem like the one I faced back in Akron. I haven’t tested it yet, but I think it just might work.
ROB
Oh! This is just too much. Good luck, uh, what was your name again?
GARY BLACK
Gary. Gary Black.
ROB
(reaching out to shake GARY BLACK’S hand, leaning in, obviously interested)
Pleased to meet you, Gary. I’m Rob. This is Alex. So, are you from Akron orig-
ALEX
(grabbing ROB by the arm)
Let’s go, sailor boy. Good luck, Mr. Black. I hope we see you soon.
GARY BLACK
Shit yeah.
EXT – CITY SQUARE – PRE-MORNING
Music: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s ‘That Smell’
The mullet zombies crowd the city square. All the cars, trucks, and motorcycles blare the same radio station. The mullet zombies chug cans of beer, shout, “Show us yer tits!” and inspect the engines of the various hot rods in the area. Any hapless wanderer into this scene is quickly overtaken by the mullet zombies, turning the unsuspecting chump into a mullet zombie, complete with Hockey Hair, dark shades, and a sleeveless Blue Oyster Cult T-shirt.
Into this mob of malicious mullets stumble ALEX, with GARY BLACK’S two katanas, and ROB, himself holding a cordless trimmer in one hand, scissors in the other, and a mannequin head/supply case under one arm. The mullet zombies smell the pair’s good, albeit slightly flamboyant, taste. ALEX and ROB welcome the mullet zombies’ advance. The two men are a dynamic duo.
ALEX
You ready for this, sweetie?
ROB
You betchyer sweet ass I am.
ALEX and ROB snip, slice, bang, butcher, poke, and prune the mullet zombie onslaught. And though they fight as if they are possessed by the spirited offspring of Bruce Lee and Liberace, the sheer masses of mullets soon outnumber them. Backed into a corner and at their wit’s end the two franticly look for respite from the hairy throng bearing down upon them.
ALEX
Rob, there’re too many of them! I can only swing these blades so fast!
ROB
Bitch, quit complaining! My blades dulled about twenty neck warmers ago. Would you look at these haircuts I’m handing out? Professor Hector would be livid!
The mullet zombies continue to press in. The duo seems doomed when, in the distance, a faint humming can be heard.
INT – GARY BLACK’S SECRET WEAPON – PRE-MORNING
Music: Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’
From the cockpit of a flying, giant Flow-bee, a bird’s eye view of the mullet zombies closing in on ALEX and ROB.
GARY BLACK
SHIT YEAH!
EXT – ALEX AND ROB’S CLOSE QUARTERS – PRE-MORNING
ALEX
Look, Rob! It’s Gary Black!
ROB
Look, Alex! It’s a flying Flow-bee!
GARY BLACK swoops down low upon the masses of mullet zombies. His flying Flow-bee sucks up and mows down mullets by the tens and twenties. Like the crop duster for a squad of fashion police, GARY BLACK takes dive after dive, dropping mullet zombie after mullet zombie.
ALEX
C’mon, Rob! We’ve got to help!
ROB
(in a raging Rebel Yell)
Ayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay!
The fighting is so fast, furious, and full of flayed follicles that ALEX and ROB don’t notice that during GARY BLACK’S last dive several mullet zombies grasped onto the flying Flow-bee’s landing gear and breached the cockpit.
GARY is able to land the Flow-bee, but shortly thereafter the mullet zombies infect him and turn him to the dark side.
ROB
What happened to Gary, Alex?
(into the mullet throng)
Yoo-hoo, Gary? Gary, are you OK?
MULLET GARY BLACK rises his now mulleted head behind ROB’S unsuspecting shoulders.
MULLET GARY BLACK
Bitchin’.
ALEX
ROB! Mullet!
ALEX wastes no time. He pushes ROB down.
ROB
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauh!
ALEX uses both katanas to reverse V-scalp MULLET GARY BLACK. MULLET GARY BLACK falls to a lifeless heap at ALEX’S feet.
ALEX
No one can rock a mullet with class, Gary Black. Not even you.
ALEX pulls ROB to his feet.
ROB
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauh!
ALEX
C’mon, Rob. We’ve got to get to the Flow-bee. It’s our only chance now!
ROB
(running after ALEX, arms flailing)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauh!
EXT – CITY SQUARE – SUNRISE
Music: Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’
ALEX and ROB successfully make it to GARY BLACK’S flying Flow-bee. ALEX pilots and ROB leans out the side, snipping stray mullets. He takes down a few as the Flow-bee rises.
ALEX
We’re up, Rob. Let’s fix this city.
ROB
God, yes.
(looking into the rear-view)
Do I have something in my teeth?
The new pilots swoop, sweep, suck, and save. After a few passes and much destruction, the machine begins to sputter.
ALEX
Damn it. We’re running low on fuel.
ROB
Great. And not a Kum-N-Go in sight.
ALEX
There’s only a small patch of those mullet bastards left, Rob. We’ve got to pilot the Flow-bee into them. The heat from the crash will sear their hair to the roots, killing them all, and saving the city!
ROB
But what about you and me, Alex? You’ll kill us both!
ALEX
I know, Rob. I know.
(ALEX pauses)
Rob, I was going to wait until after my divorce went through, but fuck it...
(turning to ROB)
Rob, will you marry me?
ROB
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauh!
ALEX
Is that a yes?
ALEX’s face grows grim and determined. He steers the Flow-bee into the last group of mullets alive in the city square. He closes his eyes and –
ALEX
Whu?
EXT – ABOVE CITY SQUARE – Sunrise
Music: George Michael’s ‘Faith’
ALEX and ROB float above the city square in a hot-air balloon ROB haphazardly crafted from rainbow-colored, vinyl neck-rest liners, a butane torch, and a basket built from plastic curlers. The city square is aflame below them and completely devoid of mullet zombies.
ALEX
Rob, you...you saved my life.
ROB
You got that right, honey. I’ve got a wedding to plan.
The two men hug each other tightly and float out over the outskirts of the city square’s flaming mess. They are all smiles.
ALEX
Rob...
ROB
Alex...
The camera pans out to silhouette the two men inside their plastic curler basket against the backdrop of a rising sun. The end credits begin to roll and we see ALEX’S silhouette go down on ROB’S.
ROB
Alex...
ALEX
WRUOB...
END CREDITS
Music: Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’
EXT – CITY SQUARE – DAY
Close up of a 70’s car stereo face. It lights up. A death-colored hand reaches out to push one of the tuning switches. Then the hand turns up the volume. It’s the rockin’ jam section of Lynyrd Skynard’s ‘Free Bird’.
THE END