Hey. I'm Kit. I'm 16, live in Witchita Kansas, have a boyfriend named Joel, two retarded but mostly loving parents, an old cat named Vicar and a somewhat irrational fear of tomatoes. Yes, tomatoes. I go to Witchita High school Northwest, I hate it; it’s stupid, I have 500 classmates and know only maybe 5 of them. But I know I know, its just high school, I get it. Things will change once I get out of this fucking town (pardon my language; I'm trying to start swearing more). I have a few friends, Amanda and her twin sister Claire and my very best of all besties, Reese. Reese moved here our Freshman year in high school and she's originally from New York City, but her dad got some kind of big job here in Witchita, don't ask, I don't understand it either, but they moved here Freshman year and luckily I managed to get to Reese before the real popular girls did. She's cool; she knows stuff the rest of us don't really understand, like Chinese food, or finances.

I don't really have too many extracurricular activities, every once in awhile I'll audition for one of our plays, Amanda and Claire are totally in to the theater department and its pretty okay for me too, I don't fit in that many places, so its nice to have an outlet, although our theater teacher is a total loon. Mrs. Adams. She's also my homeroom teacher, which makes life for me suck a nut, a fucking nut.

I'm glad I have the friends I have at school, but I don't really quite know where we stand. I mean, I know the popular girls (we call them the "yotches" short for Biyotch or Bitch if you're over 25), Candy Martin, Brandy Breslin, Alexandra (or Alex, one of those lucky girls who have a boys name as their nickname, I tried to get my mom to name me Samantha so I could be Sam but she insists Kit is a really cool name, I don't think so at all, I think it sounds like half a candy bar) Harper and the worst, scariest, most popular girl of all, Victoria Latham. The yotches almost go to a different school entirely, it’s definitely not the same high school I go to, I can tell you that right now. We aren't the lowest of the low either, that would be the kids like Lyle Brown, Martin Winscramp and the opposite of Victoria Latham in every way, Marny Butts. It’s really such an unfortunate name for such an unfortunate girl. I honestly do my best to not think about the Lyles and the Marnys of our school, it’s just easier that way. It's easier to just lock it all out for me honestly, I try to keep to myself and keep myself and Joel sane as best I can, that's enough for me to think about right now, I can't worry about anyone else.

Ugh, first day of Junior year, I feel like...I feel like I'm supposed to be older, smarter, but when I look around all I see is a bunch of immature 15 year olds trying to seem older than they are. Mrs. Adams is standing up at the front of the class, she's working on trying to welcome us back, but it all sounds fake, like...bullshit.

"Hello girls, it’s so nice to have you back, you all look wonderful and rested and have great tans. But remember, a nice brown tan now will make you look like an old lady later, so remember, no tanning and no smoking?"

Why does she have to say stuff like that to us? Like we're all smoking and laying out in the sun all summer...oh wait...that is what we did.

"I want to welcome you to your Junior year; it can be a rough time for some of us..."

I love how she looks right at Marny Butts when she says that, its not like I'm in love with Marny Butts or anything, but geez, you don't have to make it harder on the girl than it already is.

"but I know that we're all going to have a successful and beautiful year, and I'm looking forward to watching you all grow this year and turn into really beautiful strong women"

Thank goodness for me that Reese is in my homeroom too, because just at this point she leans over to tell me what a beautiful strong woman I am. Heh.

"There is much to learn this year and much to see and if there is ever anything I can do to help you, you know you can come to me at any time."

Out of the corner of my eye I can see some of the girls pointing and laughing at Marny’s adult Garanimal clothes, it’s so mean really, but who am I to say anything? I can see Mrs. Adams staring right at Marny, I know she can see what’s going on, but she doesn't seem interested in stopping it, all she seems interested in is making sure that she comes across as the sensitive one in this scenario.

"You can come ON me anytime," whispers Reese right behind me. Thank goodness for my friends.

On our way to our first class Reese and I run into the boys. Joel comes right up to me and plants a big ole kiss on my nose. I have no idea why Joel likes me, just none. He's definitely more popular than I am, but he also didn't really notice me until I became good friends with Reese. It helps being friends with Reese, she's pretty but she's also really smart, and shit, she just threw an M&M directly into Joel's mouth!

"I cannot believe you just made that into Joel's mouth!" I cried, slamming my books down in English Lit, our first class.

"That's what she said" said Joel, trying once again to make a crude joke. Joel is always making crude jokes, he thinks they are so funny, but in reality all they really do is make me uncomfortable. See, Joel and I have never really "done anything". I'm just too nervous still and I'm not ready and I know that there are lots of chicks who would be willing to do all kinds of things with Joel. And I worry about that sometimes too, if there are girls who will do with him what I won't do with him, will he stay?

"Gross" said Reese; she's always pretty good at sticking up for me that way.

And just as Reese is getting ready to try to throw something bigger into Joel's mouth (an apple) poor Marny comes running into the classroom, bangs the door wide open and then bangs the damn thing shut again, keeping it closed with her hands, like a zombie is coming in to bite her head off. She turns around and seems to notice then that she's in a classroom, staring at us like she's wondering where in the hell we all came from. I can see that she's crying and of course my first instinct is to try and help her, but then everyone would see and I'd get razzed about it for weeks. So I sit there, much like everyone else and stare at her. She tries unsuccessfully to wipe her eye which really just manages to smear the makeup she attempted to put on for the first day of school. Poor girl looks like a hot mess...

"Marny, please sit down, and nice of you to come to class" says Mr. Proctor, what a jag, he's supposed to be an adult, he's supposed to be the one helping her.

"What a retard" I hear one of the yotches say in the background and I turn around to say something and I see Candy Martin and Brandy Breslin staring right at me, daring me to say something to one of them, so of course I don't.

Marny manages to make it to her seat but not before knocking pencils and pens off of about five people's desks. I sit back and close my eyes, praying with every part of my soul that I will never be that girl, no matter what happens, I will never be that girl.

I think the two worst times of day for anyone who is not Victoria Latham or one of the yotches, is lunch and gym class. Lunch is the inevitable walk to find a table with your friends and gym class is the inevitable search to remain as anonymous as possible. The first day of lunch is like the ultimate in a shitstorm, unless of course you're Victoria Latham. I watch her walk into the lunchroom and it’s as if she's walking into her own wedding. The yotches come first, bursting open the doors as if the President of the United States is coming in and she walks, in a perfect outfit. You can tell she worked hard on what she was going to wear today, but you can't really tell how exactly she put together such a perfect casual looking outfit. Her hair, its not blond exactly, Victoria would never let herself be a blond all the way, but its a soft honey color with perfect highlights. Her face is childlike almost, but it’s smooth and tanned, the kind of tan that will never make you look older than you are. Her sweater is the color of chardonnay with a deep v-neck that perfectly highlights her young cleavage without making her seem like a hussy and her dark jeans and Ann Taylor boots make her seem more sophisticated than the rest of us yaps. She wears only silver jewelry as it highlights her bright blue eyes, and then of course, she has the ultimate accessory, Billy Baton. Billy Baton has been the most popular boy in school since any of us had any idea that soon there was going to be some kind of class system. He's tall and handsome, dark hair but the same bright blue eyes Victoria has. The thing is - and pardon my French - but Victoria is a huge bitch, she really is unkind to almost everyone, but Billy, Billy was always a really good guy, nice and kind to everyone. Oh shit, here he comes

"Hey Kit"

"Hey Billy, hi um...hi Victoria"

Girl doesn't even deign to look at me really, but keeps staring into Billy's eyes and I watch her and her fluffy hair take a seat. I hate her.

"She is so fucking hot"

"Shut up Joel" says Reese as she shoves the apple into her mouth.

We watch then a completely different entrance. Marny walks in to the cafeteria, carrying a brown paper sack that obviously something has started leaking in. Marny however is oblivious to the leak and seems overly concerned about finding a place to sit.

"Maybe we should just ask her to sit with us" says Reese, always a little higher on the human spectrum than the rest of us.

I’m just about to agree when Joel puts his arm around me and says "No way, she smells like boogers and I don't want her rubbing any of that stuff on my lady friend here" as if somehow Joel is truly concerned that whatever Marny has, I have it too.

Marny's eyes seem to glaze over, glassy and far away as she walks by Victoria and Billy's table. Pretty much everyone in the cafeteria is looking at this and I can feel the tingle that starts in my groin and goes all over my body, the tingle that I feel right when I'm about to hurt myself by falling, I feel it right as Victoria sticks out her leg in Marny's path and Marny goes crashing to the ground, whatever creamed whatever it is in her bag splashes all over her clothes as she hits the ground particularly hard. Her face as she stands up is horrified, poor girl, everyone seems poised to jump and go help her but no one actually makes the move. The room is silent as Marny stays on the ground, not moving.

"Oh my god" says Reese, "is she okay?"

I whisper "I don't know...should I...?"

And just then Marny starts to stand up, the look in her eye is pain mixed with humiliation mixed with total and complete astonishment. As she stands up she does her best to wipe up whatever muck was in her bag, she's basically slathering the floor with the wet bag, I can see tears in her eyes yet I am completely frozen in my seat. The cafeteria is still silent and then CRACK out of nowhere, Victoria starts to laugh. And it’s not just any old laugh but a mean hearty laugh, and when she's had enough of that, well...she starts to point her finger at Marny. The rest of the cafeteria starts laughing finally, I think grateful for something to do besides stare at this poor girl, even the three of us start laughing out of relief, something. Hell, even Marny looks almost relieved that not everyone is staring at her in silence. Then Victoria abruptly stops laughing and turns around to give Billy one huge giant kiss, although I have to admit, looks to me like Billy is pretty uncomfortable with the attention from Victoria.

Everyone quickly forgets about poor Marny, now that they have a reason to look somewhere else and do something else, but my eyes remain on her as she manages to stand up, her clothes have food from her own bag, some food from the floor and some food that people had thrown on her all over her pants and shirt. Her hair is sticking out of the immature pig tails she had in and she hangs her head, obviously way too afraid to look at anyone, and slithers out of the room like a dog who just ate the birthday cake. I just can't help thank the sweet lord that it isn't me, and I turn back to my Frito's and tuna fish...no tomatoes.

After school Amanda, Claire and Reese and I are all watching Joel play lacrosse, it’s a favorite pastime of us ladies, as all the really cute boys play lacrosse and its way more fun to watch than the big thugs on the football team. Amanda and Claire are quizzing us on what happened in the cafeteria, Reese is trying to play it as cool as she can, and I respect her respect for Marny.

"So she's standing there with food all over her?" I can't help but notice a gleam in Amanda's eye as she asks about Marny. I continue to be fascinated by people's ability to laugh at the more unfortunate.

"Yeah, she's standing there and that yotch Victoria is laughing and pointing at her, it was horrible" Reese pulls out a cigarette, she says she started in NYC and now she's got us all trying it, I mean, if they do it in NYC it must be cooler than what we do in Kansas.

"Oh I'm so glad I'm not her" pipes in Claire. Really all Claire says is the obvious statements we're all thinking.

"I swear one of these days Victoria is really going to get hers, karma is a biyotch" we all start laughing at this, we don't really understand karma, but we understand a good pun when we hear one.

"I wonder if Marny's going to move" I say out loud, "I would never be able to go here after all this crap, why don't her parents send her to private school?" I wonder.

"Yeah, or fat camp"

"That was mean Amanda"

"Still"

"I wouldn't move" says Claire "Everything I have is here, I would totally stay and try to fight her, Victoria doesn't run the damn school, Marny just needs to make some friends or something, put herself out there"

"Victoria totally runs the school" I say, "its pretty hard to fight back against someone like that" I say with a finality marked by putting out a cigarette.

"Maybe we should give her a makeover" says Claire, "I’ve seen that work on TV before, it'd be like Clueless kinda, except we're not much better than Marny in terms of popularity"

"Meh" says Reese "she'll be fine I bet, once she gets older and gets out of high school, she'll see the whole world isn't totally against her"

I hope so I think, I'm not sure I'd be able to stay sane if I was Marny, not sure at all.

Chapter 2

How can 3 weeks have gone by in the first year of Junior year and I'm already behind on most of my homework? I don't know either, but it’s annoying and I can't figure out what it is about me that is so completely lame. I decided at the end of Freshman year that I was never going to be a beauty like Victoria, so I was going to have to learn how to be a good student. I honestly don't give a damn...shit...about high school. I really don't, but my mother keeps promising that there is a life outside of it, Reese keeps promising there is so much more to the world but high school and I have to believe them, or else I'll freaking crack. So I keep trying to be a better student even though I don't give a shit. Some people have looks, some people have brains and I'm afraid that I don't have either. I study my face in the mirror sometimes when I have the balls to look that closely and honestly, sometimes I get really scared. My face is ugly. I know I know, no it isn't, its not like I'm Marny, or have some disfigurement or something, but most of the time I can't find one thing that I think is beautiful. My thighs are too thin and my chin is too weak and my skin is filled with tiny little zits and blech. Plus, I have to go to theater class today and unfortunately, it's the moment of truth class. I've been hearing about this day from some of the upper class, they don't tell us exactly what’s going to happen, but from what I have heard, it’s pretty nasty.

I walk into class and Reese is talking to Billy. For some reason no one can quite figure out, Billy loves the theater department. He's like the only straight guy who does musical theater and he gets into every show as the handsome man every show needs. I go to sit in my regular seat, after my hate fest I had in the bathroom mirror, talking to Billy is the last thing I need to do. Seriously.

Mrs. Adams comes in, she really is something. She wears not one stitch of makeup. She must be the closest to a hippy we've ever had in this school, hell in Kansas at all. She wears flowery clothes and honestly, since it’s just me saying this stuff here, she's almost pretty. But when she starts getting up there to teach us about theater, her face contorts with emotion and she becomes an ugly old teacher to me. Everyone seems nervous in class today, seems like everyone knows something is going to happen but no one knows what. Mrs. Adams gets up on the stage.

"Okay everyone" she says with her big fake "just for us" smile, "welcome everyone to moment of truth"

This is it, this is definitely it. Ugh.

"As an actor you have to learn how to tap into your deepest emotions" Mrs. Adams face is showing us how deep her emotions are by squinting her eyes and curling her mouth, please "whether that be happiness or fear or love or depression, being an actor is being able to tap into these emotions whenever you need them, by bringing up things that might be painful to you"

Sounds like fun, can't wait to see where this goes.

"To be able to bring up these emotions, you have to be able to feel them whenever you need to. Today is about bringing these emotions to the forefront whenever you need them, so you can tap into them to bring true emotion to the part you're playing."

"Silly me" I whisper to Reese, "I thought acting was all about pretending that you felt a certain way" Reese nods and giggles.

"So what I want you to do class, is think of a time in your life when you were truly sad, or happy, but really sad is the emotion I'm looking for, or desperation, a time in your life when you really thought the walls were closing in around you"

I can't think of any time like that, hell those five minutes in the bathroom just now just about killed me, maybe I should do that? I look around the room and see everyone looking slightly confused, slightly foolish and totally and completely on edge.

"Billy, why don't you go first?"

Thank goodness Billy gets up to go first, I mean really, he has the least to lose here. Whatever he does it will be perfect, Mrs. Adams always thinks so, and hell, we do too.

Billy gets up on stage alone; we're all sitting in the audience looking at him expectantly. He still looks so certain up there, I don't know if he's acting now, but he looks totally at ease and not the least bit afraid, I wish I could be like that too.

"Okay Billy, now, preface what you're doing by telling us what it is that you're going to do, what moment of truth you're going to give us, then step back, take a moment and begin your scene"

Billy stands on stage, looks right at us, and tells us he's going to the moment when he found out his dad died in a car accident. It really is tragic what happened to Billy's dad, he was driving Billy's mom to have Billy's baby brother and on the way they got in an accident, they were just going too fast. Billy's mom lived and had Billy's brother that night, but Billy's dad died on impact, never even got to see his son. It may sound weird, but sometimes I wonder if that's why Billy is just so popular, there's an air of fate around him and people want to touch that.

Billy begins his scene and he's sitting down, he ends up having a one way conversation with his mother and as he gets deeper and deeper into it, he starts to cry. It's really touching and the whole class, even Marny, is crying with Billy. When he finishes, he stands up and with tears of sorrow running down his face, smiles at Mrs. Adams and says "like that?"

"Just like that Billy, exactly like that" tears are streaming down Mrs. Adams face too, my god I think she loves Billy more than the rest of us do.

"Kit, why don't you go?" Mrs. Adams casts her deathly gaze on me.

I might as well get it out of the way, I haven't even thought of anything yet...on the way up I decide to do when I broke my arm last year, ice skating. I vow to just go up there and get 'er done. I make to do some lame kind of ice skating stage skating and fall down and start holding my arm crying "ow! ow! ow my arm!" I'm pretending to cry and kind of peeking out of my eyes to see if anyone is falling for it, they aren't.

"Okay Kit, we'll let this one go for now, but I really want people to pick something that is meaningful and emotional for them. Kit, step down. Marny? Marny Butts? You're turn Mrs. Adams says with an unworried grin.

Marny stands up, bumps her thigh on the chair, steps on Lyle Brown's foot and makes it up to the stage. She's staring out at us like she's being condemned to death, there is so much fear and anger in her eyes, I almost thought this moment was her moment of truth.

"Okay Marny and what moment are you doing?"

"I will be doing the time in 8th grade when I was really badly teased"

"Okay" Mrs. Adams says not even looking up for her notebook, "go"

Marny sits on one of the chairs on stage and just kind of sits there, it seems like she's reacting to something but she doesn't say anything or do anything, I can feel Reese's arm nudge and when I look over to laugh at Marny, I can see that Reese looks horrified for her.

"No, Marny, Please I really need you to feel this, lets try something else, come up to the front of the stage. Good. Okay, now class, I want you to yell at Marny and tease her, say some nasty things to her so Marny can really find the emotion she needs to do this exercise"

My stomach lurches, this doesn't seem right. I think Marny has a hard enough time without the entire theater class yelling at her. I'm tempted to stand up and walk out of class and not take this kind of crap, but that's the kind of thing you can do when you're an adult, not when you have to pass theater to keep up your grade average.

Marny is standing at the edge of the stage, she's wearing a long skirt that is just too small for her, a sweater with little sweater zits on it, it's an old sweater, brown, the same wheat bread color as her hair. Her hair is a mess, a pale imitation of the way Victoria has been wearing her hair lately. But Veronica's hair has all these intricate little braids and swishes; Marny's hair has one messy braid hid under a crazy birds nest of straw. Her face is red with emotion; it looks like she's going to explode like that guy's head did in Scanners, like she's just going to spontaneously combust. She looks plenty scared to me right now; I really can't believe Mrs. Adams is going to do this.

"Okay, now Marny, remember this is all in a safe place" Yeah right Mrs. Adams "and just really feel what it was like" Mrs. Adams looks around expectantly at us and I at least muster up enough courage to stare her in the face and rebelliously say nothing. One kid in the front, a real favorite of Mrs. Adams, one of those fake kids, like Eddie Haskell, starts telling Marny "No one likes you Marny, no one" He turns around to look at Mrs. Adams with an expectant look and she smiles back at him sympathetically, as if it were him being tortured and not this poor girl. One other theatery girl says "Man, that is one ugly sweater you got on, who got that for you, Bill Cosby?" Everyone started laughing at that one, the laughter again being used as some sort of salve to cool adolescent angst. I see Marny starting to shake, I'm not sure anyone else can see her, I lean over to Reese, "Marny's shaking" I whisper. Reese looks over at me with a look of horror and empathy on her face "I know, I see her". The class is really starting to get into it now, as if they somehow can't see that this poor girl is suffering.

"Marny, remember a few weeks ago when Victoria tripped you in the lunchroom?"

"Hey Marny, you're mom is so fat..."

"Marny, nice shoes dude!"

I really want to get up and leave, to just run out of here, this can't be right. I can't bear to look at Marny, I can't bear to.

Marny's starting to cry now, just one angry fucking tear running down her face, I turn around to look for Mrs. Adams, this girl is 16 years old for godsakes, we don't need to go this deep in front of each other...Mrs. Adams is sitting two rows behind me, and as she watches Marny's face, angry and red, Mrs. Adams is actually crying too, but they're as if she's watching something beautiful, something cathartic that Marny is going through and Mrs. Adams has the pleasure of sitting in the audience crying. "This is unbelievable" I say to Reese.

Finally Mrs. Adams stands up and claps for Marny, "nice job Marny, very nice work, I can tell you really felt that." She went to Marny on stage and hugged her, hugged her like some kind of hippy art teacher, while Marny stands there, her fingers clenched, looking almost clawlike, her arms at her side, there is no part of her that is hugging Mrs. Adams back, I can see that for sure.

Afterwards Reese and I write about the experience in our "theater journal" where we're supposed to keep track of our emotions and crap so that we can use it later. Mrs. Adams reads our journals so I figured it was a place I could be honest. She gives me my journal back and the only thing that was written there was "I'm so sorry you felt that way". What a bitch.

Joel's sitting next to me on the grass one day after school, his lacrosse team had to cancel practice because the coach also coaches the girls lacrosse team and um, well the rumor is he was touching one of the young ladies. Gross. Joel is adorable. I'm never really sure what it is exactly I'm doing with him. We hooked up one night at a party, he was talking to Reese and she introduced us and we all three got to laughing and I got a little drunk and Joel got a lot drunk and well...we just ended up talking on the phone and then sometimes the three of us would meet for lunch. Ever since Joel and I first started dating, it’s really been him and me and Reese. There had really only been a handful of times in the 3 months we'd been "dating" that Joel and I had ever even really been alone you know? At the end of nights, sure, we'd be in the car together after having dropped Reese off and we'd sit in the car and smooch and stuff, and talk about school or our stupid parents or whatever. But sitting here with him now I realize I've never really, really talked to Joel.

"So, how crazy was that stuff that happened to Marny huh?" I start, I hate to say it, but gossip is a fine way to get a conversation rolling.

"Yeah" he says, twirling a piece of grass between his fingers. I don't know much about men yet, but I do know I like looking at their fingers. "That girl is crazy though"

"She's not crazy"

"Yes she is."

"No she's not" I say, grabbing my own piece of grass to twirl, hell, I dunno, maybe he likes to look at girls fingers "she's totally not crazy. She's just really different and really sad and I've heard her parents basically ignore her"

"Yeah, I've heard that too, see? Crazy."

"That's mean, I actually kind of feel sorry for her"

"I'm just glad it's not me dude" and he leans over for a kiss.

I hate it when he calls me dude.

When I walk in the door the first thing my mother does is look around the corner, always with a bowl of something in her hands and says "Kit?", like she's honestly expecting someone else to come walking through the door.

"Hi mom"

"Hi baby, how was school?" still mixing whatever it is she's mixing tonight.

"Good, it was good"

"Hey did anything ever happen after that poor girl had to stand on stage in acting class?" My mother is looking very concerned for Marny, my mother is a very sympathetic and empathetic woman, especially for others peoples kids. She's always sure she has the right answer for them; however when it comes to me my mom seems to get very confused about what to do next.

"No, not really" I don't feel like talking about this right now, not with my mom. She's just trying to make me spill something about myself.

"Mkay" she looks at me...well...sympathetically.

"How is Joel?" One eyebrow raised, hand mixing

"He's fine, he's okay" I can't tell if mom approves of Joel or not. I think what my mother is going for with me these days is to just let me be me. She's trusting that she instilled the skills in me that I will need for my formidable future. I appreciate this from her, but every time I think I want her to pay more attention to me or give me more then she'll try and I'll hate it and do my best to make sure she doesn't try to do it again.

See, I'm an only child. I hate being an only child. I really do. I wish to heaven and earth that I had an older brother, or a younger sister, something to take some of the pressure off. I hate being the center of attention, always have. And when you're an only child you are always the center of attention. Reese has an older brother (a hot older brother, but he's already in college) and sometimes when I'm at their house, and he's home for Christmas, I can see that Reese can sit quietly in the kitchen while her mother (who is way more awesome than my mom, but who isn't?) grills Beck. And then I've even witnessed the switch, when Beck says something so pointedly about Reese so that their mom turns around and starts grilling Reese and now Beck can sit back and watch Reese get it. I've always been really jealous of that.

I have no one to hide behind in my family. I guess sometimes I can hide behind my dad, but he's really never home. I know lots of kids say this about their dads and that my life is pretty standard, but my dad does something at some bank, he's a big muckety muck and doesn't get home till after dinner on weeknights and then on the weekends he's working in his garage or hanging out with the men in the neighborhood. My dad is really classic, he drinks beer and listens to Led Zeppelin and pretends he's working with tools he doesn't know how to use and then he goes over to a neighbor's house to see their tools and drink more beer. I like my dad fine, he ultimately says pretty much nothing to me and that's fine. When I need 20$ to go to the movies or whatever, he's usually right there to give it to me. I think I'm lucky though, when it comes to my mom and dad. My mother always cares and my dad cares just enough. Our house is nice enough too, we're a bit on the poorer side of Witchita, which in any other town would probably be the projects, but it’s nice enough. I have my own room (duh, like I live with my mom in my room or something) down in the basement which I really like, it’s dark and dank and captures my mood most of the time. Our house isn't huge, but my mom has done her best to really help make it cozy, lots of little knick knacks all around. I think what my mom is really making sure of, is that everything around me looks okay. If she and dad look okay, then it must be okay. If the house is clean and looks okay, then it must be okay. If I'm not outside tearing up squirrels, we must be okay. And I think generally she's right.

Down in my room finally. Thank the lord. Although as I said I like my mom fine, there are just some days where I can barely answer her without a snarl. I know I'm supposed to be feeling like this and acting like this, but it actually makes me really uncomfortable. Like, I don't want to talk about that day with Marny and I especially don't want to talk about it with my mom and I can just feel the adolescence boil up in me like one of those mercury thermometers. What mom doesn't understand is that I'm doing her a damn favor by going back down to my room and that I'm not trying to hurt her feelings.

Anyway, I turn on my ipod pretty loud. Another advantage of living down in the basement is that I can listen to my music pretty loud without it disturbing anyone. I start to wonder if the music I listen to is actually cool. So many times at school when kids are sharing music and saying what they like, I pretty much just shut up. I have no idea what I like anymore. I have no idea if what I like is cool even. And if it’s not cool, then I definitely don't want to say anything.

I can feel a pimple. I can feel it. Damn. I head to the mirror and know on sight that this was the wrong thing to do. My face is a mess, there are little red bumps all over it everywhere, my eyebrows are way too bushy, like a mans, and the last time I tried to trim them (is that what you're' supposed to do? Trim them? I can't bear to ask my mother) I ended up with one eyebrow being much thicker than the other one and then I tried to shave them. I have not much wisdom to impart as a 16 old, but I can tell you to never shave your eyebrows. Done.

My mouth is thin, no big pretty lips like Reese or Victoria or Angelina Jolie. I heard Joel describe those kind of lips to someone as "blow job lips" and I immediately knew that no one was going to want to get a blow job from my thin lips. Not that I give blow jobs, or even want to, but now I know for sure boys want someone with big lips, which I don't have.  My hair is really curly. Really curly. My mom has insisted my whole life that short hair looks cute on me and up until now I've believed her. She says my curls are awesome and that women pay a lot of money to have curls like this, but I think women pay a lot of money to get extensions and hair irons. So now I’m trying to grow out my hair, I don't want to say it out loud that I want it to look like Victoria's, but I do, that's exactly how I want it to look. Now it’s caught midway between my scalp and my ears and instead of growing down my hair decides to grow out. I look like Bheetoven. Yes. I.do.

My body is nothing. It really is nothing. It's flat all the way down in the back and the front. Nothing sticks out anywhere, I know this to be both good and bad. I know I'm not fat and I'm thankful for that. I think that we all have problems we have to face and that being fat is one that's just really public. I'm so unsure of so many things, hate so many things about me and my body, but most of the time I can keep that hate inside and no one really needs to know about it. When you're fat, everyone can see your self-hatred. But, fat girls have boobs and butts and curves and all that great stuff. I don't have any of that. I have A cup boobs. A cup. That's barely even a boob. Mom says they're coming but I don't believe her. My butt...ass ....is flat too. Really though, when it comes down to it, I don't mind my skinny flat body. I notice with girls like Victoria or someone more filled out like Reese, that they really do get a lot of attention from the opposite sex. And I know that is the ultimate goal right? Isn't that what we all want? Boys to like us? The truth is, I don't really want anyone to notice me right now. I mean Joel...yes, I like that Joel likes me. But every time we get to something more than kissing I get really really nervous. I know some of the girls have already done it, Reese said she did it with her old boyfriend from New York before she moved, and now she said she wants to do it even more. But to me it seems really, almost unattractive. Sometimes when I'm kissing Joel I feel things, I guess sexual things, but it kind of scares me and kind of sickens me and I always make him stop before he goes further. He expects this by now, but lately has started hinting that he's not always going to be fine with it in the future. I bet Rihanna doesn't have problems like this.

Chapter 3

Amanda and Claire are having a sleepover tonight. It's the annual weekend before Halloween sleepover and I'm looking forward to it. The only weird thing is, Andrea is friends with some of the yotches, she and Victoria have been friends forever, they live really close to each other in what is the "rich" part of Witchita (Bet you didn't know there was such a thing did you?) and that means that the yotches are going to be hanging out. We've done this every year for the past five years or so and what ends up happening is that me and Reese and Claire end up in front of the TV, eating pizza and watching scary movies and the yotches and Amanda end up down in the basement stealing liquor from Claire's parents and talking more about blow job lips and stuff. I've had enough blow job lips for a long, long time.

When I arrive at the house I'm the first one there, I'm such a retard, seriously what was I thinking? Now I look like a total asshole. Claire and Amanda's parents go up to their bedroom on the third floor when we have these sleepovers. They don't even come downstairs, Amanda said they have everything they need up there, big TV, even a little fridge and kitchen if they get hungry. Must be nice to be that rich. So Amanda and Claire take me to see their rooms, I've seen them a thousand times before, but they each have new stuff on their walls to show off and new clothes in their closet to be tried on, they try their own clothes on each other to make sure they look good, they're so lucky.

"So, before anyone gets here, how are you and Joel?" asks Amanda, she always wants to know what’s going on, its like she's been waiting for me all day so she can ask me what’s going on.

"Good, we're totally good" I answer, trying to just keep things steady, this is my new thing lately, steady.

"He looked so cute at the lacrosse game the other night" said Amanda, I've always wondered if she still has a thing for Joel, she dated him in the 8th grade and he broke up with her, she doesn't talk about it much, so I don't talk about it much.

"Yeah, he's so hot." I say, of course, to try and keep things steady.

"You're so lucky" says Claire, she's always fallen on the other side of her sister and often comments on how lucky other people are all the time. Although if she really saw her house and her looks, she would realize she's pretty lucky herself. "Joel is so nice and he really seems to love you, not like some of the other crappy boys at our school"

"Has he told you he loves you?" asks Amanda, one eyebrow raised (god I wish I could do that)

"No"

"Have you told him you love him?"

"No"

"Are you going to? Or um, do you?" asks Claire, wide eyed, as she looks in her mirror to look back at me.

"You know, I don't know..." luckily then the doorbell rings and Reese comes in with a huge bag of Doritos and Fritos and sour cream and onion Ruffles, those are for me, she knows I love those. I am extremely happy not to have to answer that question about Joel, and I know for sure they won't ask me about it again because way more interesting people are arriving soon and my ditsy little relationship with Joel is going to be on the back burner. Thankfully.

After Reese, Victoria and three of the yotches show up, I'm sitting at the kitchen table munching on Ruffles when they come in. Victoria has a pearly pink sleeping bag, pearly pink backpack, she's got her ipod with video (she said she has dirty movies on there, I find that hard to believe) and a pearly pink make up box. Guess she can't go anywhere without it. The other yotches have bags similar to Victoria's, but somehow they just can't get the same easy effect that Victoria has. This makes me feel better. Victoria walks in and says hi to me without mentioning my name and says hi to Reese, and mentions her name, but that's normal. Most everyone likes Reese really, it’s like she's one of those people that can really transcend popularity or whatever. The nerds like Reese, the yotches like Reese, everyone likes Reese, including my boyfriend.

Victoria takes a seat on the couch in the living room, pulls out a half drunk bottle of vodka and turns around to all of us asking when the party gets started?

"Right now" says Amanda, as she takes a huge gulp from the vodka. Here we go.

About an hour later we're all sitting around, Amanda's face is pink from the vodka and we're just settling down to my most unfavorite game ever, truth or dare. My theory on how to win this game is to say "truth" every time and then lie like the dickens. It's worked for me before.

"Okay, Amanda" Victoria is pointing at her with the vodka bottle in her hand, "truth or dare"

"Truth"

"Pussy, okay" Victoria is scrunching up her pretty little nose trying to think of a question, then she looks at me, which almost never happens, so I am on high alert. "Do you ever still have feelings for Joel even though Kat is dating him?"

"It's um...Kit"

"Right, Kit. So Amanda, do you still have any feelings for Joel at all? Any whatsoever?"

"Um, like, I did right before Kit starting dating him, but as soon as she started dating him, I didn't anymore" she looks at me like she's wondering if this was an okay answer, I just look at her, steady. I don't really care what answer she gives either way.

"Soooo unjuicy Amanda" snarls Victoria.

"Okay, well right back at you then" smiles Amanda, "truth or dare?"

"DARE"

"Okay, um...she's looking around, okay um, you have to make a phony phone call to um...okay okay! You have to phony phone call Marny Butts"

Victoria smiles while Reese and Claire try to interject that maybe that wouldn't be such a funny idea...

"Yeah" continues Amanda, "you have to call Marny Butts and pretend like you're really mad at her because she stole Billy. That Billy really likes her and is probably going to ask her out"

"You guys, that's mean, Marny has a hard enough time as it is, maybe we should prank someone else, or maybe go outside and have cigarettes?" Reese is looking expectantly at everyone and they're just looking back at her like she is no fun at all.

“We just started playing Reese” said Victoria snarling. The two stare each other down. They are two sides of the same coin really, its like Reese is for good and Victoria is for evil. I swear I Reese’s eyes flash.

 

“Okay, so here’s the question you smart asses, who’s got Marny the Butt’s number?” Victoria is almost daring us now to give her the number.

 

“I have it” says Claire reluctantly, she goes rummaging in her purse for her phone and doesn’t realize that everyone is staring at her with questioning looks on their faces, all of us, even me, wondering why Claire has Marny’s number. When she finally finds her phone and looks up she realizes the error of her non-explaining ways and confesses that she had a study group with Marny once, and had put her number into her cell phone.

 

“What were you studying…loser?” asks Victoria swiping the phone out of Claire’s hand. She starts dialing and I can see the fear on Claire’s face.

 

“Um, Victoria, do you think we could call from your phone? I really don’t want Marny to see this is from me”

 

Victoria looks at her like she’s some kind of asshole, “fine” she says “I’ll use my phone you scaredy cat”

 

And with that, Victoria starts to dial. I have the instinct to stand up and walk out of the room, and probably  would have if anyone else had done it, but like me, everyone is stuck to their spot, unable to move even if we wanted to.

 

“Yes, Marny please?” Victoria looks up with a really fucking crazy look in her eye, she looks positively manic, excited and fired up, I can see the blush in her cheek . “Yes, Marny? It’s Victoria” I can see Victoria has put on a whole other persona for this call, this woman is one fantastic actor. “Yes, Victoria Latham, from high school. Um Marny if you could just let me get this out, that would be great. Look I wanted to call and tell you that you really have hurt my feelings. ”

I can just imagine the fear on the other side of the phone, I can hear Marny’s thoughts as if they were my own, I can see her standing there in her dirty kitchen, I don’t know if its dirty, but I imagine it to be so, and she’s standing there with her messy hair and crusted up mouth, probably shaking as she holds the phone in her hand.

 

“Yes, that Billy. Well Marny, it’s like this” she sounds like such an adult, its creepy. “The story is that Billy told me today that he really, really likes you and wants to ask you out on a date . Um no Marny, I’m not kidding actually, I’m totally and completely serious and I’m actually really pissed about it and am doing my best to not freak out on you right now okay?”

 

It’s weird because now Victoria’s mouth is getting all twisted up and mean looking, she’s really feeling this little acting exercise and the mood in the room is changing from some kind of mischief to honest fear. I can see that the other biyotches are starting to look down, actually looking a little fearful really, and I start to get even more scared. When you see the other lions are really scared of the one big lion, well you know things are starting to get nasty.

 

“Whatever Marny, look, I don’t want to hear your excuses or listen to you try and explain that you’re trying to take Billy away from me” her mean smile was huge “I really think you should call Billy and just tell him how you feel, I don’t want to be the messenger between you two, but I will do you guys this one favor of just…just call him” and with that Victoria hangs up the phone and starts laughing, really viciously laughing.

 

The biyotches take this as the release they need and start laughing too. Reese isn’t laughing at all and has her back to all of us pretending to eat Doritos, I take my cues from her and choose not to say anything at all.

 

“Okay, who’s next” asks Victoria, as if something that evil had not just happened.

 

“I think we’re finished Victoria” says  Reese, she sounds bored and like what happened was completely beneath her, I wish I could give a look like that. Every look I give looks like I have to go to the bathroom really badly.

 

Amanda breaks the icy exchange with an offer of more of her parent’s vodka. We all happily oblige

.

An hour later Victoria announces the boys are coming over. My heart leaps a little bit, what will happen? Will everyone have to play dumb games, is Joel coming over too? He and Billy went out sometimes and he knows I’m here. Will everyone just get drunk? Will they make us kiss and stuff? I hate it when the boys came over, why couldn’t it just be the girls?

When Billy walks in with Joel and a couple of other dudes, Joel comes right over  and sits down beside me, but both of us seem too awkward to give each other a kiss. Billy walks right over to Victoria and he looks pissed. He grabs her hand and takes her upstairs. Reese looks at me with wide expectant eyes and I tell Joel I have to go to the bathroom with Reese. He looks annoyed, probably because I’m leaving him here with strange girls, but some things are more important than whether Joel is uncomfortable or not. Reese grabs my hand and we creep slowly up Amanda’s stairs we know where all the hiding places are in this house are and can hear Victoria and Billy in Amanda’s room. I happen to know that Claire can hear most everything that goes on in Amanda’s room because of an ill-placed air vent. Once in Claire’s room we can hear pretty clearly

“What the hell were you thinking?” Billy definitely was pissed.

 

“God Billy, we were just playing a game, it was no big deal.”

“That was so mean Victoria who’s idea was it to do that?”

“Amanda’s! She made me do it, I had to do it”

“That is such bullshit” Somehow Billy sounds like my father does when he’s arguing with my mother, he sounds so grown up really.

 

“It is not bullshit, it was part of the game Billy. God, what do you care anyway, she’s a total whackjob, I can’t believe she really called you, what a douche.”

 

“Victoria, that was honestly one of the meanest things I’ve ever known you to do and I've known you to do some pretty nasty things”

 

“Oh Billy, come on. You’re sounding like you actually do like Marny Butts.” I can see Victoria's pouting face through the drywall, like I said, this girl is a fantastic actress.

 

“I don’t like her Victoria, but she’s a human being for godsakes. Look” I can hear him softening. Damn. “Just don’t get me involved in your little reindeer games again”
Then I don’t hear anything for awhile, but I also know they didn’t come out of that room for awhile. Life must be easy for Victoria Latham.

 

Once we’re all back downstairs things progress pretty standardly. Joel gets drunk and tries to feel me up, Billy gets drunk and feels up Victoria and the other girls and dudes I have no idea what happens to them. By the time midnight rolls around everyone’s exhausted and Amanda kicks the boys out claiming her parents are going to be coming down soon, which they never do, and right before we all fall asleep, I can still hear Victoria laughing with the other biyotches about what they did to Marny.

 

The next week at school I’m actually on the lookout for Marny. Some part of me wants to see if I can read any of what happened this weekend on her face. I didn’t see her though until Thursday.  I see her walking down the hallway, coming right towards me, I try and catch her eye and smile at her, but as soon as I see her pale face and her bulky sweater on, on what is a hot Indian summer day, I decide to do the only thing I can think of that won’t hurt her feelings. I leave her alone.  There have been rumors all week about where Marny has been and what she’s been doing. Some people have said that she was stuck in a mental hospital for a few days due to a panic attack she got in the A&P, some were saying that her parents had stuck her in private school for a few days until she hit on a teacher and they had to send her home, and some were saying that she went for plastic surgery but that they said they couldn’t help her. I know all of these were lies and that the deeper truth was something else, something a little more sinister and serious, I know why Marny doesn’t want to come back to school, I don’t want to come back either.

 

The next time I see Marny, some guy high kicks the books out of her hand.

 

And the time I see her after that some tiny freshman calls her a fatty in the bathroom.

 

And the next time I see her after that, I don't see her again until after Christmas.

 

Chapter 4

 

The time between Halloween and Christmas is probably my favorite couple of months. I enjoy the coming of fall and the coziness of winter. I find falling leaves romantic and I've been trying to get Joel to see how romantic it is too, but he's not really falling for it.  Things have really stalled between us and I'm not really sure what to do about it. Every time we talk about going out together or doing something he always asks if Reese is going to come, and then if he can bring his friends and I'm starting to wonder if he even really likes me at all. We're supposed to have a date tonight and I'm nervous. This is the first time we're supposed to be going out together alone in a long time. I am starting to wonder if I even really like him. Really, I barely know the guy. He's supposed to be here in a half hour and we're going to go down to the man made river by Reese's house. It’s unseasonably warm outside and there are  a lot of trees there and stuff and its so pretty out, I even made him a picnic.

 

I figure if I can try and pretend to be the person I want to be, someone who goes by lakes and has picnics with her boyfriend, that maybe that's the way its going to work out. I pick out my outfit very carefully, I'm wearing dark corduroy, brown, jeans and a really warm autumnal sweater, everything I'm wearing I try to make into deep brown and fall colors. Seems to me like the women on TV do this really well, I think right now I kind of look like a big ole piece of shit, but we'll see what happens.

 

"Kit?" My mom is peeking through the door crack. Just come in I think, instead of pretending like you're giving me my  privacy by only poking your head through part of the door.

"Hey honey, I just wanted to let you know I put some extra goodies in your basket for you and Joel" she's scanning my room, looking for some evidence of me doing something wrong, how dumb does she think I am? I wouldn't leave anything out that she could see. I know mom doesn't want to, but I know she comes in here when I'm not home and does some snooping. I've laid traps for her, hairs around things and noticed after some days at school that things are all switched around when I get home. I don't mind so much though, I think to some degree parents have a right to snoop around their kids stuff. It's up to the kids to find a good place to hide things.

 

"Thanks mom" I look at her expectantly, I want to put on just a little more makeup before Joel gets here...something brown. Ugh.

 

"Is anyone meeting you guys there? Reese or something?"

For some reason this question drives me nuts, why does Reese always have to be with me and Joel? And why does mom care? And why does she know this anyway? "Nope, just me and Joel"

"I don't know Kit, just the two of you down there? All by yourself? Couldn't you take someone with you?"

"Mom, it’s not like that okay, don't worry"

"It's not like what honey?"

"It's not like something is going to happen." I can see her still looking at me like I'm crazy, like she doesn't understand what she's asking and doesn't understand what I'm answering. "Fine okay, its not like we're going to have sex or something." My mother's face is shocked. We've never really had "the talk," we don't have to. I told her a long time ago that I knew what was going on, that we had sex-ed in high school and that I really don't need to embarrass her or me by talking about this kind of stuff.

 

"Oh, well...that's not what I was thinking Kit, but I'm glad to hear it" she starts cleaning up my socks and things on my floor, I do my best not to yell at her to leave my stuff alone. "You know, you've been going out with Joel for awhile now, if there was every anything you wanted to ask me or wanted to know, now might be a good time?"

"Mom, there is nothing I need to know, how many times do I have to tell you that?" I'm starting to get mad now and I know that I shouldn't really and she's just trying to help me, but sometimes I just can't keep the adolescent hulk down. "I'm not having sex with Joel, I don't want to have sex with Joel, okay? We're just going to the river to hang out and talk and eat whatever goodies you put in the basket. Okay? Is that okay?" I'm really exasperated now.

 

"Okay, okay, just know that if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here for you"

"I know mom, I know"

"Okay honey" she comes to give me a kiss on the forehead and just then, the doorbell rings. Oh shit. He's here.

 

Joel has come up to the door which I don't think he's ever done before, I run down to open it before my dad gets there, because there is just no reason to scare Joel by my dad who pretends to care there is a boy at his daughter's door, but doesn't really. I open the door and Joel is standing there and he looks really uncomfortable.

"Hi" I say with a smile, looking out the door to make sure his car is there with no one it, just me tonight.

 

"Hi" that's it. That's all I get right now? Fine.

 

"Joel! Hi, I'm Kit's mom, I don't think we've ever really been properly introduced" my mom sticks out her hand to shake Joel’s hand and he fumbles around switching the jacket he's holding to the other arm, he's so flustered, its almost sweet.

"Hi ma'am, nice to meet you" Heh. Ma'am, I have never heard anyone call my mother ma'am. I don't think she has either, I think she's both stunned and impressed.

 

"Well would you two like to come in and have some hot chocolate before you go out on your picnic?" I cannot believe my mother has just offered Joel a hot chocolate. Please oh god let something happen tonight so this is not the thing he goes to tell his friends.

 

Joel looks at me with pleading eyes, letting me know for sure he does not want to come in for hot chocolate. I understand his plight of course, but then get that weird thing where I can say something bad about my parents but I'm a little upset Joel wasn't up for it, not that I was but...ack.

 

"I think we're just going to go ahead and get out of here mom, can you get the basket?"

"Oh sure" she looks at me then Joel then me again and swishes around to get the basket. I'm standing there looking at Joel in the hallway and we're smiling at each other, we still just have nothing to say.

 

"Okay, here you go. Now you two have fun. And Joel, take care of my daughter please?"

"Yes ma'am"

 

"I want my daughter to come back exactly the way she walked out of this house!" I hear my father scream from the living room. He doesn't come up to the door, just yells from the living room, lovely.

 

"Yessir" says Joel from the doorway, looking exceptionally twitchy now, and with that, I say goodbye to my mother, head down, showing Joel that yes indeed I am embarrassed by my parents like any good teen should be. Once we leave the house Joel goes back to his swagger, lowers his shoulders and gets his regular deep voice back.

 

"That was something" he says, luring me into the trap of insulting my parents before we're even off my lawn.

 

"Yeah, they're not so bad" I say, fighting him.

 

"All parents suck" he says as he gets in the car, yeah, he definitely did not open the door for me.

 

"Not all parents, some are okay."

"Reese's parents are cool. Sometimes they let me just hang out there"

 

"You hang out at Reese's house?" This was the first time I've ever heard this, and believe you me, I am pretty surprised.

 

"Well it was only one day after they gave me a ride, my parents weren't home yet and I didn't have keys, so..."

 

Okay then, I feel better about that, I move the lacrosse stick out of the way so I can sit down. Joel actually has his own car which is awesome but we don't really take too much advantage of it, at least I don't, we never really go anywhere. But it’s a totally different car than say mom mom's car. Joel's car smells like cigarettes and boy and its totally messy, I have to actually dig my feet in to a bunch of stuff to get them settled on the floor of the car.

 

"So, what do you want to do?" Joel puts a smoke in his mouth and pushes in the lighter.

 

I'm annoyed "Well I thought we were going to the lake, I made a picnic" I say smiling, I don't want Joel to think I'm dramatic or mean, men think women are mean nags so I'm doing my best to be smiley and game, but its not like we didn't make these plans...

"Oh right, okay, sure. Maybe after that we can meet up with some people? I know there's a house party at Sue Shipmans'"

 

"Sure, I guess"

 

He doesn't notice my annoyance but that's fine. I just want to get to the lake.

 

After we drive for about fifteen minutes we end up Lake Gator, the sun is going down, the trees are really pretty and it’s unseasonably warm outside. I pull out the blanket and the basket from the car and Joel pulls out a bottle of vodka.

 

"Uh, what is that?"

"Vodka"

 

"You brought vodka? Where did you get that?" the bottle was full, that doesn't happen much in our world. Mostly any alcohol we get is in half bottles because we stole it from someone's parents. The first time I went drinking with Amanda and Claire, we had a bottle full of different kinds of liquor, vodka, gin, whiskey and we just drank this concoction right out of the bottle, no mixers, no chasers, no nothing. We all got really drunk that night and Claire threw up. It was gross.

 

"I got it from Mark Samuelson, his brother works in the Family Pantry on Lake? He got me the whole bottle, but..he owed me"

 

"For what?"

"I saved his ass from a fight once" Joel is battling opening the bottle, something about the label on the screw top seems to confuse him "a couple of guys were banging on him because he's a pussy and I stopped the fight"

"You're very manly" I say, compliment compliment compliment

 

"Yes, I am" and he opens the bottle and takes a huge swig, and makes the most god-awful face I ever saw. He hands it to me and I have to admit, maybe a little liquor right now is not the worst thing. I've only really drank a handful of times, but I do remember that I had a lot to say when I was drinking and I have not a lot to say right now, so I take the bottle from his hand and take a big ole swig myself and it takes everything in my power to not spit it all over his shirt. I can feel it going down my chest and its warm and hot and cold and awful and I'm turning away so Joel can't see how awful I look while drinking.

 

"That's something right?" he says, smiling at me. Joel doesn't often look right at me and smile and I can see now why I think he's adorable. I like it when Joel smiles at me, I just decided that right now, I may have to drink some more of that liquid courage if it means Joel is going to smile at me like that.

"Oh, it’s something alright" I say laughing, I can already feel my insides loosening up a bit. I go rifling through the basket hoping maybe mom put some 7-UP in there or something, but no luck, mom's not the kind of mom to put 7-Up in someone's picnic basket, no, all mom has put in there is bottles of water. Great. Our only chaser for our vodka is bottles of water, I swear it makes the vodka taste worse.

 

Joel takes another swig and holds the bottle over his knees. We're sitting down on the blanket now and he's looking out at the lake, and him sitting there like that, with the vodka hanging over his knees and my insides feeling warm and swoony, well, I'd do just about anything for him right now.

"So..." he's looking at me again and I grab the bottle of vodka and take another huge swig, "what did your mom put in our basket?"

I start rifling through again and start pulling out things I swear are for a couple of kids much younger than us "well, it looks like we have here two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut into quarters, two apples, a bag of bagel chips and oh hey, my mom gave us a drink box!" We start laughing then and we we're laughing so hard our faces are contorted and red. I know we're both feeling the vodka now and it feels pretty good, I take another swig.

"I think my mom thinks we're five"

"Or hopes that we are"

He pulls out his pack of smokes and gives one to me, I'm kind of embarrassed because I'm not really good at smoking yet, but am thankful that at least I have in the past. We're sitting there smoking, looking out at the lake, smiles still plastered on our faces from laughing so much and Joel says" I really like you Kit"

"I really like you too" I dare to say.

"You're not like the other girls at school. I actually care about what you say"

I could kiss him for that, and I do.

"I know, me too."

"I hope that we can get even closer."

"I know, me too."

And then Joel leans over to kiss me and its probably the first real kiss we've ever had. I can feel his tongue in my mouth and its not like that hasn't happened before but he was always lolling it around in there every time, but this time it was soft and slow and I think I finally see what everyone's always talking about. I kiss him back, concentrating hard on my tongue. I'm still really not sure what to do with it but I do like the taste of the cigarettes and the vodka and I just keep trying to be gentle above all things, I don't want to do to him what other guys have done to me in the past, so I kind of flick his teeth and respond in whatever way he puts out.

He pulls away from me then and smiles that same great smile at me, where has this smile been this past few months? This is new, and I like it.

"I just think we're a really good couple and I know we've never really talked about it, but I really want you to be my...steady, for lack of a better word, my steady girlfriend"

"Okay" I say, taking another swig, flashing another smile.

"So, no going out with anyone but me okay?" And he leans in for another kiss. He gently lays me down on the blanket and keeps kissing me. I can feel him over me and I like it. I like having a man lying with me on a blanket, I like it a lot, a lot more than I thought I would.

"God" he says, his breath getting faster, "I want you so bad"

"I want you too" I say and I mean it, even though I don't know exactly what it is that I want, what I do know is that I don't want this to end, not ever. I can feel his hands start to caress my face and my shoulders and my arms. That feels good. His kissing gets a little more intense, a little more probing and I mimic it back, that's all I can do at this point is just do what he's doing. I try to move my hands and touch him too, but I find it hard to do that when I'm concentrating so hard on the kissing, I've never been one of those girls that can do two things at once.

Then I feel the inevitable, his hands on my breasts. Again, not much there but Joel's fingers are pretty adept at finding what is there. I tense up, I can't help it, I know what’s going on and even though I don't want this to stop, I'm not sure I want this to start. I move his hands and he smiles down at me again, ah...man that smile and he says "You are so sexy and you don't even know it" I kiss him even deeper then, he moves his hands again, I move them again, but then he puts them there again and I wonder to myself why exactly I'm stopping him. It's not like he's not allowed to touch my breasts, I know lots of girls that have gone a lot farther than this, its not like I can get pregnant from a man putting his hands on my boobs, plus, I'm curious.

Joel starts in with the little moans, I've seen this on TV. But I have never had a man moan for me before and it feels so good. Like I specifically have something that he wants and it’s amazing to finally feel wanted. I'm in pure reactionary mode now, letting Joel drive the bus and I'm just a passenger. My body is feeling really heavy and I'm starting to get a little dizzy. Vodka or boob touching? You make the call. Plus I can't deny that it feels pretty good, not like I imagined it to be.

Joel sits up then "damn kit"

"what?"

"It’s just, I want you so badly right now. I really think I'm going to explode if we go much further, maybe we better hold off" and he has this sad puppy dog look in his eyes and I can tell he's all wound up and in all honesty, I'm a little wound up myself. I don't want him to stop. He takes a swig of vodka, he looks so tortured. I take another swig of vodka and Joel looks me right in the eyes "I think I love you Kit" he says, he looks so upset. I don't want this moment to make him unhappy, I want this to be exactly right "I love you too" I say and lay back down.

"Are you sure?"

I'm not sure which question it is he's asking me to answer, but my answer is yes.

I don't want to go into all the nasty details of what happened. I know, that may be a cop out, but there really isn't much to say. Once I told Joel I loved him and we laid back down, he pulled down my zipper, pulled down his and put himself inside me for a total of about five seconds. I didn't feel hardly anything except a little pressure, like the doctor says when he gives you a shot, and then it was over. And it was messy, and we had to use my mom's nice napkins to clean it up. We're lying here now looking up at the stars, for a few minutes I felt really close to Joel and now, now I'm not really sure what I feel. I'm confused certainly, I feel kind of dirty (literally, like I want to take a shower).

Joel stands up, like he's gotten some kind of second wind and says "so you wanna go to that party?"

"Um, I don't know, couldn't we just hang out?"

"Oh come on Kit! Let's go and see our friends and hang out, I think Reese will be there..."

I could use some Reese right now actually, so I tell him that I'll go. He gets up, starts cleaning everything up and almost puts the nice napkins back in the basket until I remind him that we're going to conveniently leave those here. I'm disappointed to see the Joel smile gone, now he seems kind of far away and like he doesn't even want to look at me really. Once we're in the car, I take his hand to stop him for a second and say "I love you" just to hear myself say it again, I'm not really sure I feel it, but I want to see what he does. He gives me the smile one more time.

We drive in silence, there is really nothing to say and once we get to the party Joel seems like his old self again. We get inside and we're holding hands and he breaks away saying he's going to get me a drink. Fine, just go I think, trying really hard not to get annoyed. I don't want to be one of those girls that gets really possessive of her boyfriend, but we did just...blech. Anyway.

I search the party for anyone I know. These aren't my usual haunts. Joel is definitely more popular than I am and I'm not really friends with these people. There's probably 100 people here, ruining this lady's house, whoever the lady is. I think I need a drink. So I head off in the direction of where I think the drinks might be, usually you can just follow the line of red cups that emerge from the house. I'm following the red cups and run into Joel and Reese talking in a corner. My first instinct of course is that he's telling her all about what happened. How could he not? And no, I don't want to get mad and be one of those girls but if he is telling her what just happened then I'm going to be pissed. One because I don't want him talking about it and two I don't want him talking about it to Reese. This is my story. I come up and put my hand on Joel's back and he whips around like I've just caught him stealing cookies from the cookie jar. Reese is just looking on, she looks half toasted. Unfortunately, I am no longer half toasted but wish that I was, I think I don't want to be here.

"Hey you guys"

"Hey" says Joel, almost like I'm a stranger.

"Hey girl" says Reese, she doesn't look bothered at all, just drunk, maybe they weren't talking about me.

"What are you guys talking about?"

They look back and forth at each other and Reese says "Billy's really drunk and passed out upstairs in the master bedroom, I was telling Joel he should get up there and make sure he's okay" Reese is looking all around, checking out who's at the party, just then a very drunk Victoria stumbles into pretty much all three of us. Reese is pissed.

"Gawd I hate that girl, I really do. Joel? Is she really that pretty?"

Joel looks from me to Reese, poor guy, even I know he's trapped in a pretty horrible place right now, there is no right answer to that question, and unsurprisingly, Joel doesn't stay long enough to answer it. He just turns around and leaves and my eyes follow him upstairs.

"So, what's going on?" says Reese, I can't detect any previous knowledge in her voice. I wish it was just us back at my house or something, I really need to talk to her and I can tell she's not focusing at all.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Did you and Joel have a good date?"

"Didn't Joel tell you all about it?"

"No, he said you guys had a good time and that was it. Is something wrong?"

"No. It's fine."

"I think he really likes you Kit"

"Oh yeah? What gave you that idea if you guys didn't even talk about it?” She's looking at me like I'm crazy now, which I hate. My mother does that sometimes to me and Reese definitely does it sometimes to me. She is definitely older and more mature than I am but she doesn't have to look at me like I'm some crazy girl that doesn't know about the grownup world.

"I just. I don't know. Sorry, I was just trying to help"

"Well you know what? I don't need your help." I can feel the inner hulk rising again now, the adolescence is coming back on Reese and I can't stop it. I’m starting to feel nauseous and sick from the liquor and the crowded house, from the stupid sex I just had to the fact that my boyfriend can barely stand next to me after we just did it. "I'm not really feeling very well and I'm really not enjoying this conversation" I say trying to sound more mature than I am "And you know what? I don't need to stay places where I don't want to stay, so I'm just going to find Joel and go home"

"Fine. Go. See if I care. You know Kit, sometimes people just want to watch out for you or whatever, there's no reason you need to attack me if you and Joel are having problems" She pulls out a cigarette now and I know she's just trying to seem cooler than me, she's so blasé about it all and I'm really starting to get mad at her.

"Well thanks for your worry Reese, but the next time you want to know what's going on with me and Joel, maybe you should ask me instead of him"

"You know, Joel is my friend too Kit, its not like you’re the only person that can talk to him." She's lazily smoking her cigarette, she knows she's getting me all wound up and she's just pretending to be a cool customer. Sometimes I hate my friends.

"Oh I didn't know you were such good friends with him. He told me tonight he's been spending time at your house hanging out? You guys must really like each other a lot. I'm so sorry I'm the one breaking up your little lovefest." I'm getting really sour now and totally self-deprecating. I can sense I'm losing this argument and I’m going to come out looking like an asshole from this, but I can't stop.

"It's not a lovefest Kit, he's come over a couple of times to hang out, that's it"

"A couple of times? Really? He told me it was one time Reese."

"Oh, now you're going to be one of those jealous girls that gets all mad when her boyfriend talks to someone else? That is totally uncool Kit."

Now she's got me where she wants me, but I can't help being jealous and afraid, and there's no way its going to go away now.

"I'm not jealous Reese, look, if you want to be with Joel I totally don't care okay? Just take him, I'm sure you two will be very happy together" and although I know I have a lot more to say on the subject I turn around to walk away. I honestly think I'm going to be sick.

"Oh okay thanks Kit" Reese is waving at me while I'm walking away, "thanks! Joel and I are going to go do it tonight! Two girls in one night!"

I whip around to see her face, she is absolutely laughing at me and I can see some people are starting to gather around her. I feel so fucking betrayed. I didn't think anything like this could happen between us, but it has and I'm pissed. I get out of her voice shot as quickly as I can, I don't want to look at her face anymore and I start looking around for Joel. I go upstairs and head to the master bedroom where I thought Billy was, I throw open the door and see Billy on top of Victoria who looks like she's passed out. There's one other guy in the room laughing and the whole show makes me feel really sick to my stomach. I yell "you guys are disgusting" and I slam the door, I'm wandering around upstairs yelling Joel's name getting more and more desperate and sick by the minute. I head back downstairs, trying not to see Reese at the same time I'm trying to find Joel and I finally find him outside talking to a bunch of his buddies. For a quick second I feel some relief, knowing that he'll probably just take me home now, maybe I could even talk to him a little about that conversation I just had with Reese. I walk up to him and ask him if he'll take me home.

"Home? You're ready to go?" He's trying to look all haughty in front of his friends

"Yes. I'm really not feeling well."

"Well, sorry Kit, I'm just not ready to go" from one of his friends I hear "yeah kit" and I start to get angry again.

"Well, you brought me here Joel, I really don't have another way to get home." I hear more snickers from the boy peanut gallery, sometimes I hate boys. They can seem so strong and they can smell good and they can be nice and smile at you and then they turn around and become immature assholes.

"Kit, there's like a million people here" he's turned away from the group so he can "take care" of his hyper girlfriend, "Why don't you just get a ride home with someone else?"

"Because you brought me here!" I see the boys are looking at me now, I'm trying so hard to keep my voice normal "Joel please, it’s been a long night and I just really want to go home with you okay?"

"Sorry Kit, I'm going to stay and hang out. Just because we came together doesn't mean we leave together. I'm not your fucking father or something. Just go, I'll call you later" and with that he turns around and dismisses me basically. I'm too tired and sick to argue so I just turn around too, I can feel the tears coming, or its either tears or vomit and I'm just not sure, so I head outside to get some fresh air and try and think. Outside there are couples fooling around on the lawn, people are doing beer bongs and shots, I think I might smell pot but I'm not sure, I've never done it before, and I'm so sick and tired and sad. I turn around to look at the house, wondering one final time if I should go back in and get my best friend and my boyfriend back and decide that is the worst idea of all. And then I make the most desperate move of all, I call my mom.

My mother picks me up and asks the usual questions, was I drunk? Yes. Am I sick? Yes. Is everyone at the party drunk? Yes. Should she call the cops? No. Please, just take me home. We're pretty silent in the car on the way home. Part of me would really like to talk to her and tell her everything that happened and get some really good mom sympathy, but I just can't do it, not tonight. When we get home I go to the bathroom and come back out to go to bed. Mom has put a flower and a piece of chocolate on my pillow. At least someone loves me, and I lie down and cry myself to sleep.

I don't hear from Reese or Joel on Sunday and I refuse to call either one of them. I have all kinds of images conjured up in my head about the two of them and how they're probably at each other's houses laughing about me and how stupid and immature I am. The next Monday at school is the Monday before Thanksgiving. People are having a hard time concentrating and I am just too pathetic to keep the act going. I see Reese and ask her if we can talk. We sit before school starts and I tell her I'm sorry and that I was drunk and having a hard time with Joel, she tells me it’s okay and that maybe next time I'm mad at my boyfriend I should talk to my best friend instead of yelling at her. I take the knowledge that she is not apologizing and weight it with what high school would be like without Reese and decide to just let it go.

"Yes" I say, "You're right."

I see Joel at lunch and gather the strength to walk right up to him "Hey" I say, trying really hard not to sound too angry.

"Hey"

"Did you have a good time at the rest of the party?"

"I did actually, yeah."

"Oh good."

I'm waiting for him to ask me how I got home, nothing.

"I called my mom and she came to pick me up, it was pretty embarrassing."

"Yeah, I bet. Look I gotta go, talk to you later?" Joel is packing up his things to get out of here and I feel frantic that I have gotten no reaction from him at all. We just had sex for godsakes, he took my virginity and he has nothing to say to me?

"Is everything okay Joel?"

"Yeah of course, why do you ask?"

"I mean, with us? Is everything okay?" I feel awful, like I'm bothering him, like I don't have a right to ask these questions.

"Yeah, everything's fine, I'll call you later" and he turns around and walks away.

I'm thankful its Thanksgiving and it may sound queer but I’m perfectly happy to spend the weekend with my parents. Reese goes back to NYC for her thanksgiving and Amanda and Claire go to Deluth. I have no idea where Joel is and its taking everything in my power not to call him, he said he was going to call me. So I'm trying really hard not to call and be that girl.

On Saturday I can't stand it anymore, he hasn't called me and I've been in the house all weekend. If Joel is my boyfriend then we should be able to go out and do something this weekend and I shouldn't be afraid to call him. I call and leave a message on his cell phone, nothing. I call again a couple of hours later and nothing. I call one more time and leave a message, I try really hard to be breezy, but I can hear the strain in my own voice, which goes to make me even more nervous.

"Hey Joel, its Kit. Yeah, like you don't know its Kit. Anyway, I know you're home for Thanksgiving so I was just calling to see if you're doing anything tonight. I um...I have some things to do but wanted to see you too, so if you call back and I don't answer, I probably went out" (stupid) "So anyway, just making sure everything is alright and everything (stupid). Anyway, I'll talk to you later, or...not (Really stupid) Bye."

And that was that.

I don't talk to Joel again until a few days later and once again once he sees me coming he starts packing up his bags, not this time. "JOEL, JOEL!" There is no way he can't hear me and he knows it, he turns around.

"Hey, I've been trying to find you" I say with a forced smile on my face, not that girl.

"I know, um...sorry. I've just been really busy."

"Oookay, well look, um I don't' want to bother you but I was just wondering if we're still even together."

"Why, yeah, sure, why would you wonder that?"

"Well you've been really distant and not calling me back and so I was just making sure I guess."

"Yeah, totally, I mean, I've just been really busy that's all." And he stops for one minute and really looks at me and he says "Don't worry Kit, just because I don't call once or twice doesn't mean we're broken up, don't get all dramatic on me."

"I'm not" I say, feeling dramatic "Its just well you know what happened the other night and that was my first time" I'm really trying to express myself you know? Like people tell you how to when you really want to talk to someone "and I just, I'm feeling a little vulnerable maybe" I got that from Dr. Phil. Vulnerable.

"Yeah okay, but still just don't worry about it okay?" He gives me a quick kiss then picks up his bags, I can feel him wanting to get out of there and I decide to test it.

"I love you Joel."

"Yeah, me too, see you later." Not quite the reaction I was expecting.

Things continue on in the same vein for a couple of weeks, its time for the Christmas holiday and everyone's excited for the two weeks we get off from school. I'm happy that Reese is staying in town this year and Amanda and Claire are going to be here, its going to be fun. I brought a present for Joel but I haven't seen him all day and we get let out pretty soon. Fine, I won't give him my present.

At lunch Amanda and Claire and Reese and I are all sitting in the corner of the lunchroom giggling about other people when Amanda asks where the hell Marny Butts is. None of us know but there have been a lot or rumors flying around. One rumor is that her dad got transferred to Germany and they all moved and are becoming white supremacists, one of them is that she went totally loony and is in the hospital, one is that her mom died and her dad sent her and her brother to the orphanage and one is that a Russian came over to find a mail order bride and fell in love with Marny the second he saw her, that one is my favorite.

And honestly, with everything that's been going on with me and how I've been feeling, I actually feel a little sorry for Marny Butts, because even I have some good friends that love me.

Christmas vacation goes by pretty quickly. I see Joel once on a night when Reese and I went bowling with him, he seemed really disconnected and I caught him and Reese talking privately about stuff but worked really hard on just assuming it wasn't about me. He gave me a quick kiss but that was it. Maybe this is how relationships are? Maybe you don't stand around telling each other you love each other 24/7 maybe you just see each other a few times and kiss once in awhile and have the awful sex once in awhile and that's it. I don't know, I try not to worry about what’s happened with Joel.

I finally told Reese about it, I really needed someone to talk to and Claire and Amanda are just too, naive. Reese told me how happy she is for me and still holds true that Joel loves me and I shouldn't worry about things so much.

Once we're back from break, New Year’s has passed. Unfortunately my mother is scared to death of New Years so I didn't even get to go out with my friends. I don't really want to talk about it, because everyone else went over to Amanda and Claire's and I heard it was pretty fun, but I really don't want to know the details, so I didn't ask.

The real surprise is seeing Marny back. At lunch everyone was talking about it. Everyone was saying that she looked different. Some were wondering if she got plastic surgery. When I saw her in the hall she was basically hiding in her locker so I couldn't see, but Joel and Reese both said it looked like she had her nose done. I finally see her walking down the theater hallway, it’s really quiet here so it can be a nice place to come and hide. She's sitting against the wall of the hallway with her head between her knees, I see her shoulders lurching up and down, I know she's crying. She looks up when she hears someone walk by and I look right at her, something I've never really done before and she's absolutely crying and not the pretty kind that Victoria does, but the ugly kind like we all do. I look around to make sure no one is looking and I walk up to her and ask her if she's okay.

"Yes, I’m fine, please don't talk to me again"

Okay I think.

"Okay, I just wanted to see if you were okay"

"Yes. I'm fine. Please don't talk to me again." Who is this girl Bartleby the Scribner? I'm just trying to help for petes sakes.

"I'm fine okay?" She looks up at me one more time and I see now that she has some sort of cut on her lip, it’s fresh too, still bleeding. I can see blood on her hands from where she's tried to wipe it off. I'm so curious, I'll admit, I feel badly for the girl but I want to know what happened. I realize with great glee that I have tissues in my bag, at least she doesn't have to get blood all over herself and prolong her agony.

"Hey, I don't know what happened to you or anything, but um...here are some tissues to wipe that off." I bend over to give her the tissues and she just smells. I'm sorry. But she smells. She smells like old cheese and old clothes and my heart just goes out to her. I realize that some people just don't have parents that are loving like I have, or help their daughter wash her clothes...I can also see she has some bruising on her nose and it does kind of look different, I wonder if she really did get work done?

"Thank you." I can see more tears starting in her eyes, geez, one person is nice to her and she starts to break down, poor girl. I'm about to ask her what happened but I see a couple of people I know coming down the hallway. I know its lame, but I don't want to be seen talking to Bloody Marny, so I say "good luck" and walk away. When I turn around right before I go through the doors, I see Marny put her head back in between her knees.

"So what happened to her?" I ask Claire as we sit down at the lunch table. Amanda and Claire were just telling the story of how Marny got her bloody lip.

"Okay" Amanda loves a good gossip story, she starts getting herself all organized to tell the story "I was walking down the hall between 3rd and 4th period and I was heading to my locker. I see some of the biyotches out of the corner of my eye, they always congregate near my locker, bugs the shit out of me. Last thing I need to see before gym class is stupid Victoria preening herself in someone else's mirror."

We're sitting expectantly waiting, I see Reese walk into the lunchroom with Joel, but he breaks off before he gets to the table, but I swear, I'm not going to let it bother me.

"Wait, wait till Reese gets here" Claire stops talking and just waits patiently for Reese.

"We're talking about what happened to Marny" I say, giving her an anxious smile and I'm also waiting patiently for my turn to tell the after effects when I saw Marny in the hallway. But I want to let Amanda tell her story first so everyone can concentrate on mine, I very seldom have actual stories I can tell. I wish Joel hadn't walked away. I look over to where he went and see him sitting with his buddies shooting spit balls at the Freshman, lovely.

"Okay, so" Amanda moves forward on her seat to show she is ready to begin, "So, I'm standing at my locker and the biyotches are all standing around and Marny comes walking down the hallway. She's reading a book, some Judy Blume book that we all ready 7 years ago, seriously, it was like Are You There God Its Me Margaret or some shit" I love it when Amanda swears, it cracks me up. "So she's reading her book and she is either pretending not to notice the biyotches standing there or she really doesn't notice. And then they start saying her name, but they're just saying Butts, Butts, Butts and she still doesn't look up. Then right when she's getting to where the biyotches are standing Victoria steps out from the pack and stands right in front of Marny"

"Oh geez." I say, knowing that there is some finale to this story I have already seen, it almost makes it worse that I saw Marny before. I hate the biyotches.

"Right, so Victoria stands right in front of Marny and says 'Hey Butts, I was talking to you', Marny looks up like she's really startled, I don't think she knew they were all standing around."

I figure Marny probably has a great talent for shutting out the outside world, the outside world has been abusing her whole life.

"So Marny is totally startled but manages to say 'My name is Marny'. And Victoria is all like 'yeah, but its Marny Butts isn't it? Your name is butts isn't it?' And Marny sputters that yes it is Marny Butts and as soon as she says Butts, spit flies out of her mouth and lands on Victoria's face!"

"No it does not"

"Yes it does, I swear to god I was standing right there! The whole hallway got silent and everyone turns around to look at the two of them standing there. I can't move, I know everyone around me can't move. My first instinct was to laugh and I let out a little one but no one else was laughing."

"Oh my god, what did Victoria do?" Even Reese who usually is too cool to hear these stories looks like she's about to fall of her chair.

"So Victoria looks totally stricken, like someone pooped on her"

"They practically did, shit if Marny Butts spit on me I'd go get vaccinations" says Amanda, definitely the colder of the twins.

"I know me too" Amanda says as an aside. "So anyway, Victoria is looking at Marny like Marny just killed her dog or something and she says ‘You stupid cunt."

"No."

"Yes, she says you stupid cunt, you fucking just spit on me you stupid fucking fuck"

"No"

"Yes! I mean, I don't know if I have the exact language, but there were a lot of swear words, I know this for sure. And Marny is just standing there and she sputters out that she's sorry and Victoria is screaming at her now 'Sorry? You're sorry for spitting on me you stupid bitch? You are fucking horrible Marny, you probably have some awful disease in that dirty mouth of yours, don't you? DON"T YOU?’ and Marny is just standing there staring at her, she honestly looked so scared I felt almost sorry for her and then, and then, Victoria spits back in Marny's face."

"No!"

"Yes she does, and she doesn't lady spit either, she gurgles up a big one and spits right in Marny's face!"

"No!" I look around to see what my friend's faces look like so I can gauge my reaction. Reese looks positively horrified and Amanda has one of those awful smiles on her face, she's covering her mouth with her hand but I can tell she wants Amanda to go on with the story more than anything.

"Yes! Well she has all those older brothers you know, they must have taught her how to spit! So Marny is standing there and the spit drops off her face and onto her sweater, she looks like she wants to fight back you know? Like she's going to say something and instead she starts to shake a little and then she drops her books"

"Oh poor girl" says Reese.

"Seriously, so she bends down to pick up her books and Victoria brings her knee up into Marny's face!"

"No!"

"Yes she does, she pretended like she did it by mistake but you know, knees don't just fly up for no reason. So Marny looks up and she's still got Victoria's spit on her face and now her lip is bleeding." Now that we're at the part of the story I know about, I take a quick glance just to see if Joel might be looking at me or anything, he isn't, they've switched now to shooting spitballs at each others faces.

"So Victoria says 'you got something coming out of your mouth you fat fuck' and she turns around and walks away."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"Oh my Christ" says Reese "that is just the meanest thing I have ever heard."

"Oh my god, I wish I had seen it" says Claire "that's like the biggest thing ever, everyone's going to be talking about it and you were there!"

"Yeah, I know, I got really lucky"

I then relate my part of the story to them, no one seems to be that impressed and in the middle of telling it I realize its not that great of a story anyway, once you know about the bloody lip, me knowing about the bloody lip is not that fascinating.

"Well, I feel sorry for her. I really do. That girl must hate coming in here every morning" says Reese, sounding similar to my mother.

"Hey, we all hate coming in here every morning" says Claire, thoroughly unimpressed now and starting to dab a bit of lipstick on.

"Yeah, but its totally not the same thing Claire" Reese is moving to stand up like she doesn't really want to hang out with the kids anymore kind of thing "I mean, can you imagine coming into school every day to be taunted and beat up and yelled at?"

"I am!" says Claire "the teachers do that to me anyway, much less the students!"

Reese is exasperated, "it’s not the same thing Claire, not the same thing at all"

"Well what are we supposed to do then Ms. Smarty Pants? Was Amanda supposed to go in and break it up with Victoria? I don't think so" she huffs then, like she's really just made an excellent point.

"No, we're not supposed to do anything, I'm just saying, her life is probably pretty hard."

"It’s no harder than anyone else's" says Claire, "she just has to get herself in order to fit in"

"I think its more than that Claire, there is life after high school"

"That's not what I heard" says Claire, and she shuts her compact case, stands up, and walks out.

Chapter 5

Later that night I call Joel to see if he wants to come over. It's Friday, so he could if he wanted to. He actually says that he'll stop by for a minute but that he has a party to go to later so he can't stay very long. I don't bother to ask him if he has a party to go to why he's not taking his girlfriend, but that sounds jealous, and I don't want to be jealous. When he gets there I can see his car from the window but he calls and tells me he's here instead of coming up to the door. Actually, I don't blame him but I do think it’s kind of gentlemanly to come get me. I step outside and he walks up and we just sit on the porch swing at my house.

"So..." looking for a good conversation starter, gossip always helps here "Did you hear about Marny Butts today?"

"Yeah, I did. What a stupid fuck that girl is"

"Geez Joel!" I can't help being surprised at his reaction, sometimes I swear boys are so mean. I mean, I realize that's not that far from what my friends were saying this afternoon, but still, they were just trying to act like they thought what everyone else thought, Joel has no one to prove anything to here.

"What? She is! She spit on Victoria Kit, that is disgusting, what if Marny spit all over you? Victoria said she was going to be tested for rabies"

"You can't get rabies from someone's spit"

"Well, she better get tested for something, because god only knows what was in that"

"I feel kind of sorry for her" I'm ready to take this leap with Joel because I'm starting not to care what Joel thinks but at the same time I'm trying to get a reaction out of him, something, anything to show that he's actually listening to me.

"You feel sorry for her? Why? For spitting on Victoria? That is lame Kit"

"She didn't spit on her on purpose!"

"Were you there?" Joel asks me accusingly.

"No, I wasn't there, but Amanda told us what happened and it sounded like it was a mistake" I think I might leave out the part of me seeing Marny later and helping her. I'm actually surprised at the level of animosity Joel has for Marny, he seems almost like he hates her.

"Then you don't know what happened then."

"Were you there?" I ask accusingly back, now I’m starting to get into the thick of things, I'm half enjoying standing up to Joel, its almost...fun.

"No, but I talked with Victoria right after it happened"

"Oh okay, well I guess you know better then"

"Yeah, I guess I do. Look Kit" He gets out his cell phone and looks at it, I can see there's no call or anything..."I have to go, I'm going to this party and a lot of people are expecting me to be there, so yeah...I'll see you later."

And the second I know he's leaving I don't want him to go. "Are you sure you have to go? You could hang out for awhile, or..." I'm feeling bold now "Maybe I could come with you?"

"Yeah, sorry, it’s just not that kind of party. I'll talk to you later though"

"Joel?" He's standing up to walk away now, there's not much I can and I know it "Um, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you"

"Yeah, me too."

I'm starting to get really tired of that answer.

It's fucking freezing today and I am not even exaggerating. It is fucking cold. Sometimes I love winter and sometimes I fucking hate winter. Today, I fucking hate it. It must be like 100 below and you can't even go outside without your spit freezing in your mouth. Sorry I'm so offensive this morning, but that's how it is. I do have to say that one of my favorite things is coming into school in the morning and seeing all the girls with their hat head. It is almost impossible to do your hair or do anything to make yourself look nice. I put on makeup yesterday and it was all teared out and halfway down my face when I got to school. Hell, even Victoria looks awful on these cold days, and that's really saying something. When it’s not cold though I really enjoy winter. Like Autumn, I find it romantic to be outside in the snow, to watch it fall so softly. Somehow, I think winter makes me feel like I'm someone else. When I go outside in my neighborhood on a cold snowy night, and I look into all the windows around me and see that warm orange light coming from within, I start to feel older. And like one of these houses is mine. I can picture myself inside with a handsome husband and a cute little kid, and we all eat a warm cozy dinner and watch TV and laugh. I feel then like there is some hope, that for these people they can barely even remember high school. They're so old and so much has happened. Sometimes I'm jealous of them that high school is so far behind them. I very much long for the day when school is behind me, I can't even imagine what it must be like to not care what so and so think. To have a husband who loves me without me pretending to be someone else. I think that's it over everything, I want a day to come when I'm just me, when I'm not trying to impress anyone or don't have to worry about pissing off my boyfriend, or my mom. I long for the day when I don't have to worry about pissing off anyone, when I can just be who I am and be comfortable with that. Does that even really happen anymore?

Tonight mom is taking me and Reese shopping. I actually think this is going to be fun. Me and Mom and Reese are in the car and we're singing old tunes from the radio. There are times with my mom when I am completely fine with her and then other days I can barely stand to look at her. What bothers me most about this is that I never can control which way this is going to go. Some days when I come home from school I'll have something specific I want to talk to mom about and I'll walk in the door and immediately not want to talk to her. I hate that, but I can't seem to stop it. Sometimes when I look in her face I see all the things I'm afraid of and all the things I want too. I see her sometimes as trapped. She's trapped in this marriage and trapped being a mom and trapped in fucking Kansas and she's just trapped in all kinds of ways. And I gotta tell you, once I get out of high-school I am never going to be trapped. I'm going to go to college and then maybe travel, or go live in NYC with Reese (she says she's not even going to college, she says she's going straight to NYC to become famous, oddly enough she never says what she's going to be doing that's going to make her so very famous) or, I don't know, but I won't be trapped like my mom. And then some days I think she's the luckiest woman ever, she married a man who loves her, has a good kid who doesn't do hardly anything rebellious or get in any trouble, she has a nice house and she doesn't work, that sounds pretty okay to me too.

I look over at her now, driving, and try to imagine what she looked like when she was younger or when she was my age. I try very hard to be objective. She's very pretty really, in some ways I think she could really make herself even more attractive, but she has all the basics. She has a very finely shaped face, with a strong jaw and a weaker nose. She doesn't really look like me I think, I look more like dad, but I can see traces of myself in her face. Probably before she had me she had a good body, my mom is not necessarily thin, but she's all proportionate and I know it’s gross to say, but she definitely has a bigger rack than I do. She and my dad met in college at a bar. I always have a really hard time picturing this. My mother barely drinks but my dad tells stories of how she used to be this party girl on campus. And how he walked in one night to this bar he'd been going to for years and there was mom, sitting there with her obnoxious friends (Dad always manages to insert how utterly ridiculous mom and her friends were, nice) and out of all the yapping heads he could see one truly beautiful one. He bought them rounds of shots (they drank shots!) and he and my mom started talking. They were married right out of college and dad went to work. Mom went to work part time at the cooking store in town but when dad got his promotion she quit, plus she had just learned she was pregnant with me. So mom moves from Connecticut where they used to live and moved to fucking Kansas, with a baby on the way.

Sometimes they'll tell me stories from when they were young and usually I'll just block them out, I really honestly have no interest in hearing my mom and dads old war stories, but looking at her now in the car I get a vague idea of the whole life she lived before me, of the individual woman that she is and was.

"Mom, were you ever with anyone else but dad?" I ask through the wailing sounds of Marvin Gaye coming from the car radio, my mom is so queer.

 She looks at me with a happy expression, finally glad she got a question that she can answer, and that I want answered.

"Yeah Mrs. Brimley, was there ever anyone else before Kit's dad?" I know Reese asks the question this way because she has no idea what my father's name is, or moms for that matter, we laugh about it sometimes and I've promised never to tell her.

"Well..." she smiles "there were a few boys I dated in high school, but never anyone serious until I met your father."

"What about the boys from high school, what happened to them?" I ask.

"Well,  I don't really know. I know Bart, he was kind of my first boyfriend, so not really that important in the long run, anyway, I know he moved away (mom grew up in Connecticut too, that's how she was there meeting my dad) right after high school and no one ever heard from him. My first love though, he actually died."

"Oh no" says Reese, "that's so sad"

"Yes, it was actually" I can see on her face the lines of sadness reserved for someone so long ago and I start to realize that maybe I'll never be free from high school, not if mom still has so much emotion from her first love. "He was truly handsome, really handsome. He was the long time boyfriend of a good friend of mine, but I loved him the whole time he was dating her."
I hear a cough from Reese in the backseat

"We were all three wonderful friends and we hung out a lot together. I didn't really realize then that I loved him, I just knew that I liked being around him and found him quite handsome."

"What was his name?"

"Matthew Wilson, Matt. He was an athlete but he was also very creative and talented. Sometimes when it was just he and I hanging out we would write little poems and stories together, I wish I had kept some of those."

"So what happened" say me and Reese together.

"Well one night, and this was after my friend and Matthew had broken up, he came over to my house to hang out. For some reason my mother let him come downstairs to watch TV with me. She never would have let that happen with me and a boy, but she knew Matt and liked him. It was right before Christmas, I can remember it so clearly" I see my mom’s eyes close for just a minute, transporting herself back to that day. Reese and I sit entranced.

"So it was right before Christmas and we started watching Its' a Wonderful Life, all I had was the little black and white TV but the movie was in black and white so it didn't matter then."

"Gawd, no color TV, that must have been horrible" says Reese from the backseat.

"Not so horrible" Says mom. "So we watched the movie and we weren't necessarily cuddling but he was close to me and I was close to him and it was cold and we just enjoyed watching the movie together. He lived fairly close by so I decided to walk him halfway home after the movie. The night was beautiful, one of those crisp and clear winter nights, where you can almost smell the purity of the snow in the air. The snow was coming down in big huge flakes, like you see in the movies but it wasn't very cold, a hat and a coat would do you just fine. And we got to the halfway point and I went to say good bye and Matthew gave me a hug. A big hug, and when we came out of the hug he bent over and kissed me."

"Boohoo!" Says Reese.

"Oh my god mom!" I say, not used to hearing anything about how anyone used to kiss mom or how she kissed anyone else. Even in our own house my mother is not very affectionate or physically loving with my dad, she tends to give him a quick peck on the lips and that's about it.

"Yes he did Kit, I know its upsetting" she smiles and looks at me in such a way that lets me know just how much she enjoys my company, which is to say, a lot.

"And boy did he kiss me. That was really my first one you know."

"How old were you?" I ask

"I was your age, 16. It was a really wonderful kiss, its hard now, with the fine memory of hindsight if the kiss was really as wonderful as I had thought, but the way I remember it, it was still one of the best kisses I've ever gotten."

"Then what happened?"

"Well, the next day he told me how he enjoyed that kiss, but that probably nothing was going to come from it and asked me if I would just keep it our secret, I don't think he wanted my friend to know what happened. But that was fine with me, I never thought that I would actually date him or be with him, but it was enough just to have kissed him the one time, to have been close to him."

"Oh that is so sad" says Reese, kind of missing the point that I understood perfectly.

"Wait, so he died?" I remind her.

"Yes actually. It was quite devastating. He was shot and murdered the year he graduated high school."

"Who shot him? Was it someone he knew?" I asked, that is always one of my biggest fears, random violence.

"No, it wasn't. He was walking in a nasty part of town at the time and there was some kind of gun fight going, he got mixed up in all of it and he was caught in the crossfire. He was shot and died instantly, no pain."

"Oh my god."

"But you know what's weird?" And I get the feeling now that mom is talking to an actual peer of hers, not two 16 year old girls in a car, but that she's talking to someone who can really understand what she's about to say, I hope that I can.

"What's weird is that I almost prefer it that way you know? He will be forever young in my eyes, forever handsome. He will never grow old or make mistakes. He won't ever cheat on his wife or embezzle money, he won't ever do anything to tarnish just how beautiful he was."

"Wow. wow wow wow." says Reese from the backseat "What happened to the friend? The one he was dating? Do you see her still or anything?"

"Nope, shortly after Mathew was killed we stopped being friends. I don't think it had anything to do with him really, I think to some degree it was just, almost that he was what was holding us together and after he was gone there was no real reason to keep up appearances"

"Thanks mom" I say, looking out my window

"For what?"

"For telling me that story" I look at her and smile and can definitely see the beautiful face of the 16 year old girl she once was.

I turn back to the window and cannot believe my fucking eyes.

"Oh my god! That's Marny Butts!"

Looking out my window I see Marny walking down the street. She's got her raggedy old sweater and her skirt on, but she has no tights, some crappy old shoes, no coat, no hat, no gloves, and its fucking cold outside like I already mentioned.

"Who is that?" asks mom, already I can see her face has changed from lonely high school girl back to worried mom grown up, I'm glad right now that my face doesn't have to make those changes.

"That is Marny Butts" says Reese "What is wrong with her?"

"I don't know dude but it is cold outside, she must be freezing." Mom has slowed down and I look at Marny walking away from us. She's got that familiar gait where she kind of pounds the ground with every step she takes, no one could ever say that Marny Butts has grace, she has her head down and the wind is pressing right on her, you can see her crazy hair flying all around her head and she has her hands on the inside of her skirt, that is as warm as she can be. She looks determined, as anyone would be walking around without a coat on a day like today, but she doesn't look worried or scared or anything, just cold.

"I'm going to pull over and offer her a ride" says my mom turning the wheel.

"Oh my god mom no!" I know she wants to do the right thing and so do I, but it was my first instinct to say no.

"Kit, come on now, obviously this girl is freezing, what's the problem?"

"No problem, nothing" I turn around and look at Reese in the backseat, in less than 10 seconds Marny Butts will be sitting next to Reese in my mom's car on the way to shopping. My lord, you just never know what each day will bring.

"Kit, call her over"

"NO"

"Kit"

"Okay, Marny!"

And Marny didn't turn around, I call her name a few more times and still she doesn't turn around, I don't know if she just doesn't see me or if she doesn't even want to hear her name mentioned because any time it is usually someone beats her up.

"MARNY" I really yell it now and she whips around like she's holding a knife, like she's ready for a fight. I can see the fight in her eyes, they're crazy and red rimmed and angry and tearing from the cold.

"WHAT" she yells back and keeps walking.

"Marny, hey, my mom wants to give you a ride, why don't you get in the car?"

Marny turns around again with that crazy look in her eye and she says "Oh your mom huh? Your mom wants to give me a ride?" And then I see her lean over and see my mom in the driver’s seat. It was like she didn't even believe my mom was in the car. This girl is definitely weird, what is wrong with her?

"OH...hi" she says and gives what maybe should have been a wave but comes out as a more heil Hitler kind of thing.

"Hi, Kit says she's in your class, why don't you get in the car and I'll give you a ride home?"

Marny tries to get the hair out of her eyes but the wind keeps blowing it back to her face "Um, that's okay, no thank you, I'm just going to keep walking" it sounds like it took forever for her to just even get those few sentences out, like she has trouble forming the words even, probably because its so fucking cold.

"C'mon honey get in, its no bother and I just cannot accept you walking around like that, your parents would never forgive me if I let you walk out here like that"

"Yes they would" says Marny looking off into the distance like she's checking to see if anyone else might stop.

"C'mon, get in"

Marny sighs a very heavy sigh and I can smell her breath. It smells awful and I'm not sure what it reminds me of, but something dark, that's for sure. I always wonder about people like Marny, like, doesn't she know her breath smells awful? Does she brush her teeth? She could chew gum, lots of people chew gum.

Marny gets in the back seat with Reese and crosses her arms in front of her, mumbles thanks and then stares out the window. She never says hi too Reese or me, just gets in and shuts the door. Stealing glances in the backseat I get a better look at her. I realize now that I've never really gotten a good look at her, every time I've seen her I've looked away, I don't know if that's because I'm embarrassed or I'll think she'll be embarrassed but either way I realize I've never really *seen* her. I keep stealing glances and notice that of course, she's just not that bad. She's chunky and has some acne and that kind of thing, but she's not deformed or anything. She has a perfectly nice face and even her hair isn't hat bad. It's partly the way she wears it that makes it weird, and the clothes, oh my god the clothes make her look fatter and like she just doesn't care. She doesn't have a lick of makeup on and it looks like there is food or something on her face. This is what I don't get, girls like this. When I look in the mirror I study every little thing. I make sure there's no spit at the corner of my mouth, I make sure my lipstick and eye shadow are perfect. I check magazines and have learned how to do this myself. I study every little zit and put on concealer when one is just too big. I play with my hair, trying out different things in front of the mirror.  I look so closely and really ask myself if there is anything I can do to improve what I already have? And then I look at Marny and I see that she's tried to do something with her hair, but when she walks out of the house does she really think about what she looks like? When she stares in the mirror and decides she wants to look like everyone else, doesn't she see that a little bit of make up and concealer and foundation would really help her out?

"So" my mom warns us she's about to break the silence "where do you live and what are you doing outside with a coat on?"

"You can just drop me at the mall...um, my mom works there so I will just go home with her."

"And what about your coat and hat and things?"
"My coat and hat and things were stolen out of my locker this morning" Marny seems to have no reaction to this, she's not bitter or angry or upset or gleeful or anything.

"Who stole it?"

"Mom" I warn, I hope she gets it, she looks at me and I plead with my eyes as best I can.

"Some people from school, things like this happen to me all the time. So I will meet my mother at the mall and go home with her."

This is the most I’ve ever heard Marny Butts say, she never speaks up in class and the teachers seem fine with letting her be silent, she never speaks around school or anything, I'm wondering if this is the most she's spoken all day.

"Okay, we'll take you to the mall, in fact" my mother is trying to be cheery, "that's where we were going anyway."

Marny sits back again and relaxes in a stiff way, she seems happy to be not answering any more questions.

"So Kit" My mom is just not getting the hint "Do you and Marny have any classes together?"

I sigh, so mom knows this is not the right line to head down "one or two."

I'm so jealous of Reese right now, she doesn't have to say anything. I'm curious about that though, she's always the one sticking up for Marny, yet today Marny gets in the car and needs her help to get through the stormy waters of talking to my mother, and Reese seems to have nothing to say.

Mom turns up the radio again, I think she wants all to start signing again the way we were before the first love story, but all that is passed now, that seems like forever ago that mom told us that story, and all of that good feeling is washed out by Marny and her breath getting in the car. At least the loud radio prevents mom from saying anything more and we arrive at the mall in just a few minutes.

"Okay thank you for the ride, I am going in to find my mother, goodbye" and Marny hops out the door and shuts the door hard.

"Well, that's certainly a sad girl" says mom, fumbling with her keys and her purse and everything.

"I suppose she is sad, I just think she's really weird."

"She's totally sad" says Reese, "I feel sorry for her."

And I think, if you feel so sorry for her, why didn't you speak any words to her while she was in the car?

What turned out to be a fun ride in the car has now been soured and I can't help but think it's kind of Marny's fault. We were having such a nice time and then Marny gets in the car and now the whole thing is ruined. I can't help but wonder if that's her thing, she just sours every thing she goes to. We're still farting around and looking in some of the stores, but mom keeps asking about Marny and what's wrong with her and keeps wondering about Marny's parents and where they are and all the good talking we did in the car just zooms away as mom has turned from a real person back into a mom. Reese is having a fine old time shopping with her hot body and her big boobs and I just can't bear to look at either one of them, my mom or Reese. Mom's trying to keep me happy, but really I just want to go home.

Oh thank god I'm home. I seriously could not take either one of them anymore. Sitting in my fancy basement room I go over to my computer to check my sites. I get on Facebook and see that suddenly Marny has a facebook page....she's never been on here before what's she doing on here now? I look at her picture and someone had snapped a shot of her that day that Victoria spit on her. So it's a picture of Marny looking horrified with spit on her face. I want to stop looking at this but I can't bear to, I need to click on. Looking at her profile, she's already got over 200 friends which means that half of the school has already seen this and I can say for sure this was not here before we left to go shopping. It says that she's in a relationship with Lyle Brown which I half wonder might be true, and all of her interests are horrible, like raping babies and cutting herself and all kinds of terrible things I can't even really write here. People are writing on her wall about what a loser she is, about how she and Lyle Brown are going to make the worst babies ever, some of the guys are getting on and saying that they loved having sex with her and all this awful stuff.

I stop looking I can't bear to anymore after what I saw tonight, I'm really starting to wonder about the people I go to high school with, this is all just getting really out of control and really mean, I turn off the computer for the night.

The next day Reese and I are walking to gym class and we see Joel in the hallway, I've barely spoken to Joel at all in the past couple of weeks and haven't seen him outside of school since he stopped by on Christmas break. Amanda asked me if we were still dating and I honestly didn't know what to say, so I said that yes we were, because that's just easier than saying no we're not. Joel comes up to us and smiles at Reese and barely even looks in my direction. Like I said, I don't want to be jealous but geez, you'd think he could smile at the girl he had sex with. And you know what else? I've really been cool about all this and haven't said anything to anyone about it, but I won't deny that there have been a couple of nights in my room when I think about what happened with Joel and I just cry. I mean, I know lots of girls have sex all the time and it doesn't mean anything to them, or at least it doesn't seem to, but I'm not really one of those girls. I mean, that was my first time ever! And Joel hasn't called to check up on me or even been that nice to me at all. I wonder if he's just embarrassed or maybe I was really horrible? What if he finished with me and just couldn't believe how awful I was and he just decided that he didn't ever want to do that again? What if he's going around telling all his friends how awful I really was? That would kill me, that would just kill me. I can't imagine what I would do in that situation, I think I would leave school altogether. Marny flashes into my head for a minute because I'm complaining about what little thing that might have happened and I can't get out of my head all the really horrible things that have happened to her. It's like mine times a million, I start to wonder if maybe isn't smarter and braver than we all think, just for the plain fact that she shows up here every day still, she's either brave, or incredibly stupid.

"Hey Reese" says Joel "Hey Kit" he says looking at me and then looking right back at Reese.

"Hey Joel my man, how are you?" Reese leans over to give him a hug (a hug?) and then looks back at me like she’s ashamed of what she just did. I'm staying stoic, not saying a word.

"Hey so, my mom and dad are going out of town this weekend and I'm having people over. Just a few, no big house party or anything but do you wanna come?" He's still looking right at Reese and I'm honestly not sure if I'm even invited to this party or not.

"Yeah totally, that sounds like fun." I still remain silent, I'm curious to see if either one of them even notice I'm still standing here.

"cool, yeah, it'll be a good time. Kit? You in?" he smiles at me the same way he was smiling at Reese, but I don't care, the fact is, he's smiling at me.

"Sure, I'll be there"

"Cool, well, I'll see you ladies later."

"Bye Joel." Reese waves over her shoulder and turns back to me and gives me the same smile she's just been giving Joel, and I go stoic once again.

We head into gym class and I can feel the tension in the air, this is one of the worst days in any high-schooler’s history. Today my friends, is swimming. Now don’t get me wrong, I like swimming, I like swimming a lot, I even thought for awhile that I might be a swimmer but I found it was just too much work. But swimming at school? It's awful, it’s a total nightmare. What 16 old, male or female wants to be seen in their bathing suit? I almost feel worse for the guys, they have to wear these tiny little Speedos and I know now about the cold and men’s...things, they shrink when they get cold and I always hear the boys laughing and joking about it. But you know, its no easy task to wear one of the one pieces either, they all bunch at the crotch and they're tight on the top and I don't even have any boobs. I hate swimming days. It' better once you get in the pool, but with all the cold ladies and the cold dudes. It's just really uncomfortable.

And the even worst part of swimming day is not even getting to and from the pool, but changing in the locker room. I can't think of anything worse than changing in the locker room from clothes to swimsuits and back again. It's actually a very fine art. There are a few private changing rooms in the locker room, but people really don't go in there, because if you go in there then that means you have something to be embarrassed about, but every single one of us has something to be embarrassed about but no one uses the rooms. It's quite a cycle. So what most of the girls do is go in to the locker room and you open your locker, there's a row on top and a row on the bottom, if you use one of the lockers on the top then you can sometimes hide your boobs with the open locker door, if you use the bottom locker you can sometimes hide your...bottom on the bottom row. So it's interesting to see which thing girls pick to hide. Reese and I always pick the bottom, because it’s easier to hide your boobs, plus I don't have any anyway. So once you get your locker door adequately angled to hide as much as possible, you have to be really quick. Towels are also very handy but sometimes you don't get these till the end. So what you have to do is hopefully you remember to wear a long shirt that day, something a lot like a nightshirt that covers your whole bottom, then you can slip off your pants and underwear and slip on the bottom half of the bathing suit, all under the big t-shirt, it can be a bit of a struggle but its the easiest way. If you have don't have your long t-shirt, then you have to take off your pants (and socks and shoes of course, some girls forget and its fun to watch them struggle with getting their pants off with the shoes still on. Hee. What I do is backup against the lockers as much as possible, because the worst part is bending over to get the initial bottom half of the bathing suit on, then your naked butt is sitting in the air, so I back up against the lockers and lean over so my shirt covers as much as possible then you slip the bottom half of the bathing suit on and pull it up, it is a remarkable accomplishment to do this quickly, sometimes I think there should be bathing suit Olympics. So then comes the tricky top, but again, if you have a top locker you can shield yourself from like, half the class. So you leave your t-shirt on as long as possible and pull the bathing suit up all the way to your rib cage, or the top of your torso. Once you do that you take off your shirt and most likely have a bra on. Still a lot of girls in my class don't wear bras, I don't know if they're trying to be sexy or what, but they don't. I do, and I definitely don't need to, but I still like having on another layer of clothing, when I'm not wearing a bra I feel like I’m hanging out all over the place. So you take off your t-shirt, pull up the suit and then when the suit is right over your boobs, you undo your bra, you pull up the suit a little more and very, very carefully take the bra off your shoulders. This is the very tricky part because very often the suit will fall down at this point and you end up showing everybody everything. Then boom! You're in your bathing suit and really no one has seen anything. It's a little trickier on the way out because you're still kinda wet, but you have the standard issue way too small towel, but it still helps when you want to drape it around something.

One of the worst things about this though is the girls that just don't give a damn, I don't know where they made girls like that. They walk into the locker room and they just whip open a locker, any locker and they just whip off their clothes with no real concern about where the bathing suit is or how they're going to get it on. They show their bottom half while they're talking to their friends, they show their boobs while they're talking to their friends, just no concern at all. And I've noticed with girls like this that they're not showing off, besides Victoria of course, she shows everything and sticks it out and wants people to look. But most of the girls who aren't embarrassed they're literally not thinking about it. I just don't get it, how do you not think about getting naked in front of 40 other girls? How do you have enough self confidence to not be worried about what people are going to think about you in your nakedness? Oh my lord I just don't understand, I will never be like that. Even women in front of their husbands sometimes, how do they not think about their flabby boobs and hanging tummies? I will never be able to just be naked in front of a guy, when I did it with Joel I had most of my clothes on his hands were just underneath them all.

So Reese and I are in the locker room and we're preparing ourselves to get ready for the big game of changing our clothes, it takes so much energy and stamina we shouldn't even have to go swimming afterwards, we've had enough of a workout just getting our damn suits on. The ladies in there are all laughing and talking and chatting and having a good time, I just do my business as fast as I can and Reese and I are ready to head out. Oh, and did I mention the bathing caps we have to wear? Uh yeah, all the ladies and the guys have to wear bathing caps. It really is a way to make us all feel more equal to each other, I swear to god. I see Victoria and the other girls all getting ready and even thought I know I shouldn't' and I'm not a lesbian (although I might be? Who knows anymore? My mom asked me if I was once , it was awful), I can't help but look at the other girls bodies. They all seem so perfect, so pristine where mine seems like a big mess. I certainly see some of the girls faults, its not like they all seem perfect to me, but it just seems like their faults aren't nearly damning as mine. I see Sally Mayer and she as huge hips, but we all know Sally has huge hips, so its no surprise to see them in her suit, or we know some girls have big boobs and some girls have smaller ones and on everyone else's body it seems kind of charming, ion my own body it feels like I'm the ugliest person in the universe.

So Reese and I make our way out to the pool and a lot of the girls and boys are there already, the girls and boys don't have to sit separately on swimming day, but they do, because this is one the only times when we don't really care about mingling, at least until everyone gets in the pool and that's when the boys and the girls start throwing themselves all around and playing.

Everyone seems to be looking at something and we see the PE teacher talking to Marny. She' still fully dressed in all her clothes, actually the exact same thing she was wearing the night we picked her up on the side of the road, and they seem to be a little animated. I can't hear what anyone's saying but I do see Marny look really pissed off and she stormed away. The PE teacher seemed pretty mad himself and mumbled something under his breath when Marny walked away.

While we're all getting lined up to get in the pool, everyone is there and the room is silent and we hear a loud BANG and everyone turns their head to see Marny coming out of the girls locker room. My guess is she went to ask Mr. Lebedau if she could skip swimming and he said no. It's not easy to get out of gym class anymore, the old cramps excuse doesn't work anymore, they are way too keen to fall for that.

So Marny comes out of the locker room and it amazes me that she looks just as much a mess as she does when she's wearing her own clothes. Now I think I know why she doesn't really want to try and improve herself, but the truth is, maybe she just can't be improved. She has her bathing cap on but it’s all crooked. Her unruly hair is coming out of it and hanging in her face, which is bent over and looking at the ground. I bet she's terrified of tripping, that would be the worst. Her shoulders are hunched so she doesn't have to show her face and because of that her tummy is bulging out like and hanging over her lower half. Her arms are kind of huge, huge arms, like she's a woodcutter’s wife or something, but they don't seem strong like that, but gummy and pocky and like two big sausages. The tightness of the bathing suit does not help her here as it seems to be pushing her fat either out the top or out the bottom of her suit.

Now, I hate to say this because it’s very unladylike and its not very nice, but I do want to be honest. The worst part is that some of her pubic hair is coming out of the bathing suit, at the sides. I wonder if no one every taught her to shave there? I remember one day I was headed to the beach with my friends when I was about 13 and my mom told me all about it, I guess I should be very thankful for that. And parts of Marny's pubic hair are coming through the actual bathing suit itself, sticking out like leaves. Her legs are bigger than her arms but the same kind of pocky wimpy look, its almost like she has no muscle at all, just these huge arms and legs and skin and fat. She's got bruises and scabs all over, there is no real smooth skin all over her body as far as I can tell. Her feet are also huge, I can really see now why she walks like she does, its because she's got these huge feet and she's like a puppy, tripping all over them and having them get in the way.  Her boobs are hanging low, surprisingly so, the girl is only 16 and already her boobs are hanging low, and they're round and bulbous too, I realize now that I'd be plenty happy to keep the boobs I have, even if they are little. I'm surprised by what a mess she is standing there almost naked, I figured somewhere in there was just a perfectly pretty girl wanting to break free, but now that I see her, kind of a fat little naked bird, I understand what this girl has been fighting this whole time. She looks like she wishes she could just crawl into a hole and of course, she is in the exact wrong place to do that. She has to walk an entire length of the pool all by herself and we're all here sitting on the other side watching her come over. The whole room is silent which is kind of hard to do in a huge pool room like that, every little noise is amplified in there and there is not even the rustling of a bathing suit happening. We see Marny coming across and she is doing her best to not slip and slide on the watery walkway, but she's obviously having a hard time walking and is definitely trying really hard to keep it together. I see out of the corner of my eye that Martin Winthrop has gotten up. The coach of course doesn't notice anything, that asshole is watching Marny walk down the walkway with an evil little smile on his face, I can see him smirking at her and it makes me so mad. He easily could have left her out of this, sometimes the rudeness and the uncaring of the teachers in this school amazes me. I've thought from a very young age that most teachers don't want what is good for us, but what they really want is to see how long they can make us suffer. Like they go into their damn teachers lounge and sit in there and compare how they fucked each one of us over that day. There is nothing about the coach’s demeanor that makes me think that he feels any kind of pity for this girl, I think all he feels is some smug satisfaction at making her do his bidding...men and teachers, fucking assholes.

Martin Winthrop is walking the opposite way Marny is and no one is really sure what he's doing, there start to be little murmurs in the group, little whispers and giggles that start from the boys section and makes its way over to the girls, little twitters and everyone starts shuffling around. Marny continues to walk closer to us but her eyes are directly on the floor, she's not paying attention to anything except getting closer to where she can sit down and finally hide herself in the pool. Martin is coming around the corner of the pool and he's definitely not heading back in to the boys locker room because he passes right by it. My heart is starting to ache, part of me was hoping he was going in that locker room but now I know that something is up and its very much like a car crash, I want to look away so badly but I can't stop. I think that I should stand up and warn Marny but that would make me look like a freak and that's not something I'm really risking to look like when I'm standing here in an unattractive bathing suit with no where to hide myself. The noises from the kids is starting to get louder and I can hear some of the boys saying "do it, do it!" some of the girls have stood up so they can get an extra special view of what's going to happen. I look over at Reese and she's got a horrified look on her face but she's obviously rooted to her seat as well. I reach over and grab her hand just so in some weird way I don't have to go through this alone. Martin is pretty close to Marny now and he's got a really horrible grin on his face and right before he reaches her I swear he has one look of regret a look that says "am I really about to do this" then he looks over to the boys and they're all laughing now and looking at him and giving him thumbs up and I see his face lock into determination and he comes up right behind Marny who still has no clue that he's there and he expertly and quickly takes the shoulder straps off her suit and slides them over her shoulders and pulls her suit down, all the way down, so the suit is hanging at her feet like shed skin.

The room that had started to get louder is now stone silent. It's like time stops for a moment and nothing happens. It's like we're all too overwhelmed with whatever emotion that it is we're feeling, too stunned to move, to talk, to laugh. Marny too is stunned and standing there, stock still...like a statue. All of a sudden the room erupts and there's screams and laughing and the boys are all catcalling and asking Marny where her clothes are, the girls are mostly sitting there shocked, not too many of us are laughing, I think somehow we all feel her pain more than we wish to laugh at it, but I see a lot of the girls turn to the guys, see them laughing and start laughing themselves. I look over at the coach and that goddamn fucker is laughing, I've never been so angry, how can he be laughing at this poor girl. I don't know what to do or what to look at and I can't look at Marny anymore, I can't see her standing there naked, I can't. But I have to, Martin has snuck back around to his seat so we're all still here looking at poor Marny and she does  the worst thing possible by trying to pull up her bathing suit while she stand there naked. That is the worst thing, the worst thing. She has to bend over with her big white butt sticking in the air, she can't get the suit up its hard enough to do when 30 of your peers aren't staring at you naked. I continue to look around the room because I just don't know what to do and then finally, finally, I see Reese stand up, go over to the towels, grab a couple and then go to Marny. Reese takes the towels, shakes them out, she's standing there proud of her body her big boobs and her soft skin, she has nothing to be ashamed about and she wraps Marny in the two towels, one on the top and one on the bottom.

I look over at the coach again and it looks like he's finally about to realize what's going on like he's just about to act on Marny's behalf and I hear Reese's voice loud and clear, "you guys are a bunch of FUCKING ASSHOLES, you ASSHOLES." Coach yells across the way for Reese to watch her mouth and she yells back that he's the biggest asshole of all and I see Reese wrap her arms around Marny and start walking back to the girl’s locker room. I'm still sitting there stunned, watching the coach, then Marny, then the coach, then Marny, and I can see Marny walking back to the locker room with the bathing suit still hanging at the bottom of her legs, she's tripping and stumbling but Reese is making sure she's fine. I wish I had the balls that Reese has, I can't imagine standing up to the boys and the coach like that but I'm so glad she did.

The coach comes out to the front and tells us that the show is over and we've seen all we're gonna see today and he’s still kind of smirking I swear to god. Reese doesn't come back from the locker room and I don't see her until lunch, by then the whole story is all over the school and frighteningly enough there's even pictures, some shithead brought his camera into the pool room for some reason and took a picture of Marny totally naked with the bathing suit at her feet and has posted it on flickr and facebook and suddenly Marny's naked picture is all over school. I practically run to lunch and am completely out of breath by the time I get there. Reese is already there talking to Joel, it looks like she's crying and I feel such a weird couple of feelings of jealousy and tenderness and envy and jealousy and impressed and all these weird things, but none of these feelings matter, all that matters right now is hearing what happened with Marny after Reese took her back to the locker room.

"Reese, oh my god"

She looks up at me and she's definitely been crying, it looks like Joel is doing his best to console her, but since he is my boyfriend and can barely console me, I wonder why in the hell it’s him Reese turns to and why he seems to have an actual look of caring on his face when he can barely muster a smile for me.

"Hey Kit." She looks really upset and I'm a little annoyed that she's not just spilling the beans on what happened, its not like Martin pulled her bathing suit down.

"Look I gotta go" says Joel "Reese, I'll see you later okay?" He reaches out a hand and touches her shoulder and I can see her look up at him with her teary eyes, "Okay, thanks Joel, I needed that." and I’m surprised that Joel could give Reese anything she needs at all "See you later Kit." Joel says to me and smiles a little smile "See you later Joel." and I want to stop him so bad and ask him why he finds it so easy to comfort Reese and not me and I know this is just not the right time for that anyway.

"So what happened?" Reese looks like she's about to tell and Amanda and Claire come running up too, breathless, "Thank god we found you guys, Reese I was scared you were going to be expelled."

"I might be."

"You are kidding me!" I say and its all just too much, the drama of the situation and suddenly how Reese has become some martyr for our high school class, I'm getting a funny feeling that she's going to be more popular than ever from this, and I was scared to take action because I thought everyone was going to laugh at me, figures.

"Yeah, since I called Coach an asshole."

"He is an asshole Reese, they could never expel you for what you did today, seriously."

"Well they might."

"So wait, what happened?"

Reese tells the story of taking Marny back into the locker room and how Marny seemed like she was in shock, she wasn't speaking and couldn't really move without Reese helping her do it. Reese sat her down and asked if she was okay and Marny would just give one word answers, yes or no. Reese helped her put her clothes back on but Marny couldn't really do it herself and Reese literally had to do everything from hooking her bra to putting on her underpants.

"It was really awful, the whole thing, I mean its so sad what happened to her and I could tell she was in shock form it all, but then also she smells really strange and her clothes are extremely dirty, I didn't even want to put her back into what she was wearing honestly."

So Reese got her all dressed and then Reese decided there was no way she could just leave Marny in the locker room to fend for herself, so she decided to put her regular clothes on too and she said while she was changing Marny was just standing there staring at her. Reese asked her if she was okay and Marny said "you're so lucky, some of you are just so fucking lucky" and Reese said she has this really weird look on her face when she said it, like she was almost really mad at Reese, "maybe one day you guys aren't gonna be so lucky" Marny said.

And then Reese told her that of course they won't, that all these people that make fun of her and tease her and beat on her and say horrible things are all going to get theirs in the end and that Marny just needs to get through high school and all this horrible stuff will be over. And then I guess Marny said "high school is going to be over a lot sooner than anyone thinks" and then didn't say one word after that but just kind of stayed in this catatonic state. Reese took her to the nurse and privately told the nurse what was going on, seems the nurse was the only person who cared about what was happening with Marny and Reese could hear her talking to her and trying to be nice to her, at least someone was. I guess they sent Marny home for the rest of the day and Reese said she didn't think Marny was going to get in trouble for anything.

"Because she really didn't do anything" I said, amazed that anyone would even think that Marny should be in trouble for what happened. "What about Martin? Does anyone know if something is going to happen to him?"

"I don't think so" Reese is looking down at her plate and hasn't even touched her food "I actually don't think he's going to get in much trouble at all, I heard he was called down to the principal but I just saw him walking around and he looked plenty pleased with himself if you ask me."

"And you think you might be in trouble" says Claire, very quietly, I actually don't think Claire likes it when things start to fall apart, I think it makes her nervous.

"Yeah actually, I saw Coach after I was coming back from taking Marny to the nurse and he told me that people can't just get away from that kind of insubordination."

"I hate that word so much," I say, thinking how astoundingly pretty Reese looks right now, something about being a good person looks nice on her.

Just then Victoria comes striding up to our table, she looks at each one of us, great thorough looks that I cannot even begin to shoot back at her, I don't have that kind of courage. Victoria's eyes rest on Reese and she says "I hope you're happy with yourself."

Reese looks totally bored and calm, I am amazed time and time again today how excellent it is that Reese can keep her composure, and also how insanely jealous of her I am and how proud I am that she's my friend, it must mean I'm doing something right if someone as brave as Reese wants to be friends with me.

"What do you want Victoria? It's been a long day."

"I can't believe you actually helped her, don't you know this is all part of the plan?"

"What plan Victoria?" I love how Reese keeps saying her name, that's what my mom does to me when she doesn't want to hear what I have to say, there's something very degrading about it and I love it.

"We have to get rid of Marny at our school Reese, no one wants her here and if no one helps her, eventually she'll have to go."

"Why do you hate her so much?" I ask, for once in my life finally stepping up to the plate.

"What do you care Kit? Your best friend is stealing your boyfriend right from under your nose, maybe you should concentrate on your own problems instead of sticking your nose into other peoples hmmm?"

I have nothing to say to this but I know I have a completely shocked look on my face. I look at Reese and she hasn't moved but I can see her eyes narrow in on Victoria like she's going to bust her damn ass.

"You don't even know what you're talking about Victoria" says Reese, somehow acquiring that bored look again, I'm still staring at Reese, I can't look at Victoria and I want to see how Reese reacts to this whole thing "Why don't you just go back to your happy little table where everyone is pretty and perfect and no one is different and everyone is the same and everyone can just sit and adore you for the total asshole that you are"

"Well thank you Reese for really showing me the way, and the next time you feel like stepping in and saving the world, maybe you should think about other people." Victoria casts a mean look to me, although I'm still staring at Reese, "and just let the decision come from the top, not from the bottom" and she sticks up her little chin and turns around and walk s away.

"Wow" says Claire, watching Victoria go back to her own table, "that was something else."

"Yeah" I say, trying to be cavalier and breezy but wanting to know what the hell about Joel. Victoria is a mean person, but a lot of times the way Victoria uses her meanness is to tell the truth about things, things that you know for sure are the truth, but you just don't want to hear them.

"What a cunt" says Reese under her breath. She looks really tired, and she looks like she wants to look like she's really tired. I start to wonder if she looks so put upon because she doesn't want to answer any questions about what Victoria said.

"So...what did she mean by that stuff about Joel and Kit?" Oh Amanda, I love your need for gossip so much, thank you for asking so I don't have to.

"I don't know Amanda" Reese looks at me "she was just trying to be mean, okay? She's trying to weaken us and hurt our feelings because that's the only way she can make herself feel good."

"Oh I know" I try to smile, I try really hard to smile "I know she's full of shit right?" I look over at Reese because I'm very aware that no part of Reese has said that this thing Victoria said is untrue.

Reese starts packing up her stuff, again looking very tired as if the whole world is on her shoulders and she says "You better believe it, Victoria Latham is totally full of shit" and with that, Reese stands up and tells us she'll see us later and she walks right past Joel who stares at her, and makes her way out of the lunchroom.

I don't see Reese the rest of the day and that's actually fine with me, I left the lunchroom right after she did and really didn't want to talk to Claire or Amanda about any of this. I just want to get home and get to my room and have a chance to really think about everything that went down today. Once I get inside I can hear my mom on the phone in the kitchen and she's sounding both sympathetic and incredulous. I come in and Mom waves to me and points to the plate of chocolate chip cookies, she knows something went wrong at school today, she never just makes chocolate chip cookies.

Once she's off the phone she sits across from me, time to talk.

"So, that was Reese's mom on the phone, it sounds like she's been suspended for the rest of the week." Mom nibbles on a cookie to make me feel like its okay to eat it, but I know her too well, she will l be halfway through one cookie before this long conversation is over.

"I can't believe she got suspended, that is such bullshit." I look up at mom, "Sorry, but it is."

"Yes it is dear, it is bullshit." I love it when my mom swears, it sounds so crazy coming from her mouth and I know now with that one gesture that mom is on my side here, and I appreciate that.

"Does anyone know what happened to Marny?" I ask, sometimes parents learn things that kids don't learn.

"I'm not sure, I'm not sure. You know, no one really knows Marny's parents. They're um...not very involved as far as we can tell, so no one knows who exactly to call"

"What about Martin?"

"Martin did not get into any trouble with the school, but it sounds like he's in big trouble with his parents, so at least that's something."

"So you know the whole story then? Do all the parents just find out what happened and we don't get to know anything?" I can feel myself tearing up, it’s been a long day.

"I'm on your side Kit, I'll tell you everything I know and you tell me everything you know okay?"

"Kay."

"Well, I don't want to make you talk about it now, why don't you go downstairs and I'll make you some dinner, you can come back up by 6 and we'll eat and talk okay? Your dad wont be home tonight, so its just us girls. We can watch TV and laugh at people?"

"Okay mom"

And mom comes around the table and gives me a real hug, not a mom hug, but like a friend would give a friend, a real smush your body together hug. "You know Kit, I just want you to know that I think you are a truly beautiful girl."

"Oh mom" I start to pull back but she won't let me

"Each day I see you growing more beautiful inside and out, you are a kind and gentle soul and I am so impressed with the woman you are turning into. You are just more beautiful and wonderful every single day I see you and I'm am astounded that a woman like me could create such a beautiful thing, I never thought in my life I could create such a beautiful thing. I am proud of you, I love you." And she gives me one more squeeze. I'm close to sobbing now but don't want mom to see, I say thank you and run down the stairs. I know I rushed away from her during that moment, but I should probably tell my mom that that was probably one of the greatest things anyone has ever said to me. I hope there is someone in Marny's life who will say the same thing for her when she needs it, like today.

Once I'm in my room I head over to the mirror. I don't want to look but I have to. I try to see what my mother sees, something beautiful. Some days I can see it some days I think I'm fooling myself, but for one second, right after this talk with mom I look and I do see something beautiful, or something that at least has the potential to be beautiful. I hold my head up and look at my chin and my eyes, I look at my hair and my lips and maybe they don't all go together perfectly, I at least know that I am normal and that for right now is enough. I turn away and think about Reese. Reese and Joel, I wonder if it’s true. I go to lie down and once I'm on my bed I do the worst thing possible, I imagine all the possibilities of what it is like for them, being together, lying to me, lying to everyone else, I bet it’s passionate. I bet they meet up late at night, maybe he comes to meet her at her window, or throws rocks so she'll notice he's there. She climbs down and they probably go to the lake together, I bet that's why he didn't really want to go there with me. They lie there and he gives her that smile that I really thought was for me. I bet they have sex. I bet Reese totally gives it up for Joel and I bet its way better than anything I have done with Joel. I cringe now at the thought of our night together, how clumsy I must have been, how bored he must have been trying to get it up for me. I bet Reese gives blow jobs, I bet she gives tons of blow jobs and then once they're done, I bet they sit and talk about me. Talk about silly I am and how naive I am and how much fun it is for them to go around my back. I bet they make bets on how long they can keep it up before I find out. I bet Reese makes jokes about how inexperienced I am and what a loser I am. I try to find a way around this, to not let this kind of stuff bother me, but I can't help it. I feel like I've known this before and all Victoria did was point out the obvious. I can't believe Victoria knows something about my love life that even I don't know. Now I’m totally embarrassed and start crying again. I go to get a tissue and look in the mirror and whatever I saw a few minutes ago is completely gone. The only thing that stands before me in this mirror is a truly ugly girl. I look again at my chin and my lips at my hair and my body and everything that I see is so completely unlovable I'm surprised my mother said anything like that to me at all.

I think about how I feel right now and then I think how Marny must feel. Her parents must be completely out of her life. I bet there is no one to tell that they are proud of her, that they love her and think she's beautiful no matter what. What must she be thinking now? Sitting like me in her room, looking in the mirror, wondering what’s going to happen to her. Is she sitting on her bed crying? Is she watching TV? What does she do to make herself feel better? I can't imagine. I really try to think about how lucky I truly am, to have a family that loves me and friends that at least pretend to love me, that I have a nice safe warm place to live and a warm bed to sleep in. I think about how lucky I am that the only problem I have at school is with a worthless boyfriend and a too pretty best friend. How lucky I am that I am not broken, or alone. I decide I want to talk more to mom, so I head upstairs for dinner.
Back down in my room. I had a nice talk with mom  and even nicer is that we didn't talk about Marny, or Joel, or Reese or anyone, we talked about totally banal stuff, we even talked so much about boring things that I actually got bored and decided to come back down here. Happy to be in my cave now. I'm so tired, so, so tired. I didn't know a day like this could totally take it out of me, I feel like I've been through a war and PTSD or whatever the hell it’s called. I'm not sure which side I'm on, but for right now, I know I'm safe.

Back at school and the Marny stuff seems to have passed as everyone now is extremely excited about prom. I guess I am too, at my school everyone gets to go to prom, its stupid I know, its supposed to be for seniors, but we don't have that much money so there is only one big dance, no homecoming, no nothing...just prom. Joel asked me about a week ago and a very romantic way, he turned to me after school and said "so are we going?" and I guess I said "yes". Some boys do a big surprise to ask their girlfriends to prom, not Joel, he just asks, lucky me. I do have a dress though and have had it all year. I've been testing it, every month or so I take it out and try it on again, I've been known to change my mind about such things before. But I still love it. I love it more than just about anything. So, tonight's the night. My mom let me go tanning the past few weeks, so I have nice tan skin, mom also took me to one of the makeup counters at the mall and had one of the ladies put makeup on my face, she told me beforehand to watch closely how they do it so I could practice for tonight. I've been practicing all week and I'm not as good as they are, but I'm still pretty good at it. I'm getting my hair done in an hour by a friend of my moms, so it’s cheap. I've already done my own manicure and pedicure and everything is looking sparkly and pretty. I know Joel and I have had some hard times lately and that's okay, I guess that's what happens in some relationships, but tonight, I'm planning on being the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he's not going to be able to take his eyes off me and he's going to fall in love with me again, I know it. I just know it.

I'm sitting in my room ready to go. I ask mom if I can just have a minute alone and I take one final look in the mirror. I almost look pretty. Hell, fuck it, I do look pretty and I'm proud to be going with Joel to prom. I flash quickly to Marny and wonder what she's doing tonight, but generally find it too painful to think about her tonight, and I really want things to go well, so I'm not going to think about her anymore, or bring her up. Shit, that's the doorbell! There's the doorbell, okay. I have to get up very slowly so I don't fuck up my dress or rip a stocking or god knows what else can go wrong.

When I walk upstairs I see Reese standing in the hallway with Joel. I can't believe it, I knew Reese was going stag, but I did think she was going to meet us there so I would get the whole set up. Mom would take pictures and Joel will put on the corsage and then my parents will wave to us from the doorway and Joel will open the door for me and we'll maybe take a sip of some illicit drinks on the way and talk and laugh and it'll be just like old times, or not like old times because we never really had time like that anyway, but at  least we'd have a time. Reese looks completely beautiful of course. I don't know how she does everything so effortlessly. She's wearing a pink sheathe type dress, very simple, strapless so her athletic shoulders look perfect, everything is smooth and lovely, her skin and her hair. Her makeup looks professional but I know she's done it herself which makes it even more annoying. She looks really happy, again, annoying.

"Hey you guys, Reese, I didn't know you were coming over now..."

"Yeah, well Joel knew I was coming alone so he thought it'd just be easier if we all went together, like he has two beautiful dates, right Joel?"

Joel looks at me then at Reese with no hint of apology in his eyes, he doesn't seem to notice that this bums me out.

"Well there's only one thing" Joel says, pulling a corsage out of his jacket, "I only have one of these"

"Well obviously give it to Kit, she's your date" says Reese, "but it does look pretty"

"You know what Reese, why don't you just wear it okay? It matches your dress better anyway, and with these dopey sleeves, well it'll just get in the way on my dress, so just wear it." I can hear the scorn in my own voice but apparently no one else does (except my mother who seems to have taken in this entire situation quite quickly without me ever having said a word about it.)

"Okay, thanks Kit!" Reese turns to look at Joel and I can see him smile at her, Victoria was right, something is definitely going on here. I can feel a sour pit in my stomach, disappointment and great expectations and jealousy and anger that this all had to happen right now, I didn't even get the car ride there for godsakes.

I can feel my mom's hand on my back as she tells everyone its time for pictures. She whispers in my ear how much she loves me and how beautiful I look, its a sad consolation prize for a sixteen year old girl, but it'll have to do. Mom starts taking pictures and Reese and Joel are posing for the camera, finally Reese yells for me to get in the picture and we start doing all these crazy pictures and we're laughing and yelling and mom is laughing and even Joel is laughing and I feel better.  When we get in the car I go automatically to the front seat, at least I'm going to fight for whatever it is I might be losing.

When we get to prom, the gym looks totally different. I guess the dance committee did this and they put up all these Christmas lights and tables and chairs and it looks really lovely. There are so many people here and it’s such a riot to see what everyone else is wearing and what dresses they have on, and of course, we're all checking to make sure we're not all wearing the same thing. I see Amanda and Claire and they both look so pretty but so totally different, amazing what twins can do to identify themselves, Amanda looks like a slut, but a pretty one, and Claire looks like she's Martha Stewart or something. Both of their dates are pretty nice guys from the next town over, so the seven of us sit down to have our magical evening.

Joel brought a little bit of liquor with him so we all spike our punches under the table and then we start getting a little rowdier. Everyone is talking and laughing and dancing. Joel asks me if I want to dance and he takes me out on the dance floor for a slow song. I've never really danced with a guy before (besides my dad) so I'm a little anxious, but I see everyone else is just basically swaying and I can basically sway, and I'm doing my damnedest to be confident and breezy. When Joel puts his arms around me it feels so good. SO good. I can't believe I ever even thought there was a problem with us. He whispers in my ear how much he loves me and how he wants to be with me. He looks down at me with that smile and I smile back and all the bad feelings melt away. Joel likes me again. As he turns me around the room I look at my fellow classmates and feel a great amount of love towards them. They all look so pretty and people are smiling and couples are dancing. There are some couples I never would have expected to be here together and some that have been around school forever. The lights are twinkling and people are laughing and Joel's warm hands are around my waist and I decide that all of the horrible things I've been thinking have been in my own head, my own shit to deal with, and I resolve then and there to stop making everything such a big fucking deal, and to relax and enjoy because life is short and before you know it everything could be different. I've heard you're supposed to live in the moment, so that's what I'm doing, living in the moment.

After the song is over we head back to our table and Reese is sitting there alone trying to look happy but very obviously wondering what in the hell she's doing here, I whiff away the thought that maybe its about time for her to see what its like being on the losing end of the stick, but remember my former thoughts and tell her she should go dance with Joel. She looks at up him with that Reese smile and he says "okay, thanks a lot Kit!" with a smile on his face too and they walk out onto the dance floor together. I take that opportunity to drink a little more of the forbidden alcohol and I'm all buzzed and happy. I start walking around the prom, looking closely at everyone, there's Victoria and Billy of course. Again, I think of Marny and wish we could have done one of those makeovers so she could walk in the door and everyone would stare, in a good way. I have this vision so clearly in my head and its making me smile and I'm working my way back to our table, I see no one's there so I scan the dance floor...there's Amanda and her date, Amanda looks to be having the time of her life, there's Claire and her date, Claire looks nervous about dancing, there's Reese and ....shit. Shit Goddamnit.

Okay, I'm outside. Okay. I'm outside. I don't know what to do. When I walked back to the dance floor I saw Reese and Joel. I saw them together. I saw them kissing. Could I have been wrong? Could I have mistaken what was really going on there and the answer in my head is a resounding no. They were totally tonguing each other and I totally saw it with my own two eyes. Victoria was right. I can't believe it. I can't believe Victoria knew something about me that I didn't even know. I can't believe Joel told me tonight that he loved me. I can't believe that Reese would do that to me. I can't believe any of it. My heart actually hurts, it is actual heartache, or a panic attack, but I think its heart ache. I'm so embarrassed and I'm just out here standing by myself. Shoot, now people are coming out and looking at me, shit! A girl just asked me what’s wrong, I gotta get some place quiet, where I can think. I run behind the school to the playground and sit down on the swing. It’s muddy out here, spring and all and I know I'm getting my dress wet but it doesn't fucking matter because this dress was for Joel anyway, Joel who has been in love with Reese all along. Who was I kidding? Did I really think he loved me? Did I really think that he would be able to look past Reese's coolness and love my own nerdiness? Did I really think Reese was my friend? But she was, she was my friend. Was. She's not anymore, I'm not speaking to any one of those guys every again, not ever again. I can't believe they hurt me like this. What am I going to do tonight? Where am I going to go? There's no way I can go back in there and pretend I didn't see what just happened. But there's also no way I can go in there and say something, what am I going to say? Oh my god. Oh my god I am truly the dumbest fuck in the bunch. I really thought he loved me.

I head back into the gym and whatever looked beautiful before looks horrible now. The Christmas lights look dingy and like we're dancing in a shack. My buzz from the alcohol has made me sick, my dress looks like ass water in this light and I’m sure my makeup is all halfway down my face. Oh man, who did I think I was? All the students look to young to be  in all these fancy clothes, they look like kids playing dress up instead of beautiful teenagers. I look over at the table and everyone is back and it does look like they're looking for me. I'd love to have the strength to just walk out the door and go home, but I don't think I can. I have to ruin their night like they ruined mine. They have to know the depth of my pain and I want to cause it in them. They have to know what they did to me is not okay and I'm not just going to stand around and be played the fool. I head toward the table and then turn around, I can't do it. I have to do it. I start heading back towards the table and now they all see me coming so there's no turning around now. I can't imagine what I look like with my muddy dress and my peacock tear eye makeup but I don't care, I don't give one goddamn shit about what I look like. Honestly.

"Hey" says Reese "We were just looking for you! Where'd you go off to?" She looks me up and down.

"Yeah, where did you go?" says Joel, putting his hand on the small of my back. I wish I could just keep it up for a bit so I could watch them hide it some more, but I just don't have the heart to prolong my own pain.

"I was outside, deciding whether I should come back in or not."

"Why? Is this getting boring for you? We could leave and go back to my place for an after party." says Joel and then unbelievably he pinches my ass.

"Fuck you Joel."
"What?"
"Fuck you Joel and fuck you Reese and fuck any of you guys who knew what’s been going on."

Reese's eyes start to dim, she knows exactly what I'm talking about and she should, she's the one who's kissing my boyfriend at my prom on my dance floor. Goddamnit.
"I'm sorry Kit" she says

"What is your problem Kit?" asks Joel, he looks really mad and I look right at him without saying a word, this guy is dense.

"She knows Joel, she knows."

"Oh, oh"

"Yes you fucking assholes, I came back from walking around, thinking what a pretty night it was, how lucky I am to have the friends I have, amazed at how beautiful everything was tonight and thinking for one fucking second that I actually might have a really beautiful evening.”

"I am in love with Reese, I've loved her a long time. Neither one of us wanted to hurt you Kit" I can’t believe he just said that to me.

"That is such a load of bullshit, if you didn't want to hurt me you wouldn't have made out with her. God Joel, at least don't do it tonight!"

"Kit, I'm so sorry, let’s all just go and get out of here, we can all talk about it." Reese makes like she's about to go, that we're all about to get out of here together and then Reese will work her parent magic on me and I'll feel like I'm five years old and throwing a tantrum over nothing. She'll make me feel like I'm the one who was wrong, like I did something mean to her, and then I won't have anything to say or any anger left. I'm not going anywhere with anyone. Fuck that.

"You guys go, you can talk to each other all you want, or kiss or fuck or whatever it is you two do with each other that you never want to do with me. That's cool. I'm going home."

"No Kit, wait, don't go we'll go with you" Amanda and Clair are pulling their stuff together, and although it would be fine with me to have them to talk to, I know they have their dates and I don't want things to be anymore awkward then they are right now, so I tell them I'm just going alone and I whisper that I'll call them tomorrow and I thank them for their kindness.

I can see Reese trying to come after me and Joel is holding her back, I thought that I would want them to chase after me but the truth is, I really don't. I don't want to talk about it or think about it. As I walk out of the gym in my muddy dress I do my best to hold my head up high. Close to the door I see Victoria. Shit, she is the last person I want to see right now. As I get closer she sees me and she's looking right at me, I know she's waiting for me to walk by so she can say something and there's no other exit and nowhere for me to go, so I keep walking like I don't see her, hoping that just this one time she'll take a fucking hint and leave me be, but as I go by she says "Lose something Kit?" She's smiling and I can see Billy standing behind her trying to get her to turn around and I say "shut up Victoria, shut the fuck up, no one cares about what you have to say, you are a mean person, with a mean heart, and I feel sorry for you and your cute boyfriend who has to put up with all your shit" I feel pretty good about that and she says "well at least I have a boyfriend you cunt" and as I'm walking out the door I hear Billy say, "not anymore Victoria."

Once I'm outside I take a deep breath in, I'm not even sure what I feel but it doesn’t feel like this is my life, it feels like someone else's life, it really does. I start to walk home, thankfully home is not too far from the school, and I'm feeling properly pitiful walking home alone on the quiet streets in my dead dress. I want to see this for what it is, that Joel was never really my boyfriend anyway and I know this. I know that he liked Reese all along and really, it’s not their fault that I held on too long, all they were doing was trying to delay my disappointment by keeping me out of the loop. But I wonder if Victoria knows, who else knows? Who else knew this whole time? Amanda? Claire? Everyone else in the universe? I'm so mad and upset and angry and I wish I never had to go back to school ever. And the worst part is, this just feels like the beginning of all the crap, not the end. It feels like everything bad is just starting and this was the catalyst.

I've never really known about betrayal before. I always tried to make other girls feel silly for being so upset at losing their boyfriends or learning that they cheated. I would see all those wives on TV and think that I would never feel that way about a man, that if it ever happened to me I would shake my head, laugh and wonder about all those silly people. But now I think about true betrayal. Not only my boyfriend who said he loved me, who had sex with me, who let me have sex with him, but my best friend. Fucking Reese, so high and mighty, so pretty, so down to earth, so grown up, so grown up she's decided she can do grown up stuff and steal someone else's boyfriend. Well I hope they'll be very happy together, I hope they live a long and happy life together with her turning down her nose at him and him making stupid girly faces at her. I'll just go back to school on Monday and I'll just renounce everyone. I'll be a total loner until I get out of this hellhole, I'll go to New York on my own, I'll go to lunch on my own, I'll go to gym on my own and I'll go home on my own. I think to myself that maybe Marny has the right idea, that really we are the only ones we can count on. That now its time to close my heart to all things but me, I'm going to be cold and intense and they can bite me. I try to think of things I can do for revenge but I realize that I am the powerless one here, that's what sucks so bad, they do something horrible to me and I'm the one that loses all the power. I think of what my mom used to say about no one taking your power unless you let them and I'm not going to let anyone take my power. I don't care, I don't care. I realize now that I have tears streaming down my face, I must look a mess, and unfortunately, I guess I do care.

I see my house down the block and mom has some lights on. The house looks so cozy and safe and warm, I'm looking forward to going on there. I know mom saw what happened earlier with the fucking corsage, as soon as that happened I should have just gone home. For once in my life I’m so glad my mom is home. I walk in and there's music playing, soft classical music and mom is sitting at the kitchen table with all the family pictures spread out, I guess her little girl going to prom made her want to sit down and look at baby pictures. I walk in the door way and mom looks up and sees me, I can see her face instantly change and I see the love on her face and the sympathy already, we humans should know who loves us just by the way they look at us. I can see the love in her eyes and I'm thankful for it. "Oh baby, what happened?" I go to her then and she stands and gives me a hug, no worries about mud in the house or on her pants, no worry about my makeup getting all over her blouse, no worries about stupid Reese or Joel, this is the one person in my life who exists to love me, there is no distrust, no worry and I wonder again about Marny, who probably walked home from her hard day and had no one to tell her they loved her anyway. I stay with mom like that for awhile and without even saying anything she gets up to get me some soda and cookies.

"So, do you want to talk about it?" She says gently and I now this is one time where she honestly wants to know if I need to talk, she's not asking because she needs to know.

"Reese and Joel are in love with each other, or doing it, or whatever. I saw them on the dance floor mom, I saw them kissing on the dance floor. I'm the one who told them to go dance. I'm the one who made him give her the corsage." I start crying again, I don't want to but I can't help it, the tears just keep coming.

"It was nothing you did or didn't do Kit, sometimes shit like this just happens." I look up at her because it is not often my mother says swear words and she's looking at me with a little guilty smile on her face and I know she's going down in the depths with me.

"Fuckers" I say, to help the game along, because really, calling Joel and Reese fuckers is kind of a fun game.

"I'm so sorry Kit, I’m just so sorry," she says setting the food and drink down in front of me. "But whatever they were going to do they were going to do and don't you are dare knock yourself for it. That Joel is just not very attentive."

"I know, but he was the only boyfriend I've ever had and now I'm scared I’m never going to find one. Who is ever going to like me when Reese is around? She's so pretty and fun and grown up and I'm immature and silly and ugly and boring."

"Kit, I hope you really don't believe that." She sits down across from me and looks right at me "you know, when I learned I was going to have a daughter, I was honestly worried."

"Worried? Why?"

"Well because women have a hard time in this world, this world is still made for men and they tend to get what they want. It can be hard to be female, it can be hard to work and get jobs, and your constantly worrying if you're pretty enough or smart enough or if you're too smart or too pretty or too thin or too fat, or too anything. I've seen a lot of women fall apart in this world, get run over and get pushed around, or even worse, be with men who hurt them, or don't respect them. So I was scared for you as a baby, I was scared that your life was going to be one big fight after another and I worried that maybe you weren't going to be strong enough to take it. Lots of women aren't strong enough. But as I watched you grow up I watched how you handled the hard things in your life," mom is moving around now, cleaning and meandering about the kitchen "granted a lot of those things at first were child like things, how you handled losing toys, or making friends. I saw in you even as a little girl something really special. And as I watched you grow up I became less and less afraid for you, I saw a strength in you I don't see in a lot of girls. Then when you started high school, I started to worry again, no one gets away unscathed in high school, no one, not even Reese will make it out of high school the same woman she went in as, it affects everyone. But you Kit," She sits down across from me and she's holding my hand "you Kit are special. You are stronger than most of those girls in that school, you want to know why?"

"Why?" I can feel the tears coming on again, I don't want to hear about how strong I am, but its exactly what I want to hear right now too.

"You know yourself Kit, you're a very bright star in this universe, you shine just a little extra than most. Your curiosity about the world, about what goes on around you, the way you care for your friends and for me and your dad, you feel deeply and you think deeply. You are a very intense young woman with great pride and great self actualization. And truth be known my little girl, you are becoming more and more beautiful every day. And its not just that you're losing your little girl each time I see you, you look more like a woman, but each time I see you I see more of who you are coming out. I am no longer afraid for you, there is no fear at all in regards to you. You may have rough times and ...shitty (little grin) nights like tonight, but these are not the nights that are going to break you, these are the nights that are going to make you stronger and more beautiful on the inside and the out. You are everything I could have hoped that you would be, and more. You are the thing I am most proud of in my life even though I know I had absolutely nothing to do with the woman that you are becoming, you do Kit. You are the one who made yourself into this amazing person, and I hope most of all that you remain my friend until the end of my days, because I know with absolute certainty that are the most fun and amazing person I have ever known, and that includes every grown up I have ever known"

I'm sobbing now, truly sobbing, I want so badly to believe everything my mother said, and I do believe it, just not tonight, not now. But I'm so glad she said those things. I go around to hug her again and she takes some tissue and wipes off my face. "There is life after high school baby, this is all going to change for you, and you are going to meet a wonderful man who is going to have to run to keep up with you, who thinks that Reese is droll and boring, who laughs at little boys like Joel, who whisks you around the world so you can satiate that urge for learning that you have. I can't wait to meet him."

"Me either, when is he getting here?" I ask, pulling away, smiling through my tears.

"Sooner than you think most likely, so for now, do your best to enjoy what you have, to make the most of your time at high school and beyond, because these are the years you're going to look back on and realize these are the years that made you who you are. I love you so much" and she hugs me again.

"I love you too mom." Just then my dad walks in, so classic for him to come in after the whole discussion has ended. But he seems to understand what's going on and comes in and wraps us both in a big hug and says "I love you guys too", we all start laughing and I tell them then I'm headed downstairs for the night, now I just want to be alone. With the feel of the hug still on me I head downstairs to my dark lair. I feel so much better, I really do. Mom really helped put into perspective how little this one day means in the huge picture that is my life. I try to hang to this feeling as I go to shed my dress. I think about Pip in Great Expectations and all my feelings about what this night was going to be and how it was supposed to turn out. I take the dress carefully and put it on the hanger gingerly, it’s not the dress' fault what happened tonight, it was mine, to let my thoughts get so out of control on how I wanted the world to be I never paid attention to the way it actually was, or is. Once we decide the way life is supposed to go it starts to move in the opposite direction. That's what Pip learned, that's what I'm learning, the only way to know is admit you don't know.

I stand in the mirror and look at myself completely naked and do my best to see a strong beautiful woman. At least I don't see somebody horrible either, but somebody definitely in between, somebody ready to make a choice, somebody in transition, somebody breaking out ready to become something else. And with that, I go to bed and fall into a dreamful sleep, full of muddy prom dresses and punch.

Monday finally comes. All morning in my head I've been calling it black Monday. I made it through the weekend okay, never left the house but spent Saturday and Sunday inside with mom and dad, making cookies and laughing at movie stars. It may be immature to spend the weekend with your parents when you're 16, but I've decided from here on in that I'm going to do what feels good. I got lots of calls from Reese (none from Joel, go figure) and I didn’t answer any of them. Once when I was downstairs taking a nap I heard her come to the door and I heard my mom tell Reese I was too busy to come see her (which I loved, way to cover for me mom). I just don't want to talk to her yet but know that I will have to today at some point. I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it or what I'm going to say, but its going to be somewhere along the lines of "you betrayed me, and that's fine. I am past it and you I do honestly hope that you and Joel can be really happy together can be friends again, but not right now"

I don't know, that sounds kind of silly, I really don't know what I'm going to say but it is going to something mature and breezy, I know it.

I get dressed carefully this morning, I want to look good but not like I’m trying. If I went to school all doodied up this morning everyone would know I had something to prove, which I don't. I'm going to look normal with a little extra, I'm going to walk into that school with my head held high, I'm not going to shy away or be ashamed because I didn't do anything wrong. I carefully put on my makeup, taking gentle care to tell my eyes I think they're pretty, my nose, my mouth, my body. I tell myself I'm brave and hilarious, I tell myself I don't need anyone from that school and its not long till I'm out of there, I tell myself its time to go.

Usually Reese picks me up in the morning and I don't really expect her to be there, but I do wait around just to make sure, and sure enough, she doesn't come. She's probably too busy picking up Joel. I prepare to walk to school, on this beautiful spring morning, I have my ipod

I get closer to the school and I start singing out loud, I don't care if the neighbors heard me but I don't want everyone to hear me. I see all the kids start filing into the school and I think about all their problems. I start to wonder what happened to all of them at prom, some must have had a great night, some must have had a terrible night. I'm sure I'm not the only girl that cried, or got dumped by her boyfriend or lost her best friend. I look around at all of them and I realize that some others must have had a great night, in love with their significant others, while some cried in their punch. I know I’m not the only one that has awful things happen to them and I know I'm not the only one hiding it. It amazes me as I look around at these kids I go to high school with that they are just as mixed up as I am, just as confused and I wonder where does all this emotional energy go? All this teen angst, how does it manifest itself in the world? How do we all feel so much all the time and isn't the world just ready to blow up with all the emotion and sadness and happiness? I have a very loving feeling towards my peers today, knowing that essentially they're feeling what I am, even Victoria must have her bad days. I want to hug them all like my mom hugged me, give them all the same speech mom gave me, I hope they all have someone to do that for them.

Everything feels different, the whole school feels different, I know everyone is not looking at me, but it feels like they are. But I don't think it’s because I'm ugly or stupid, or dumped, I think maybe I've changed this weekend, that I'm different than I used to be, that the school is different than it used to be. The halls seem lighter, like the sun is coming through the concrete roof. The lockers seem smaller, or maybe I got bigger. Everyone's face seems to show their true emotion, not the tight lipped faces of people trying to hide their feelings. I still want to give everyone a hug, well...almost everyone.
I walk slowly to my locker, purposefully holding my head up, looking everyone in the eye to prove that I have nothing to be ashamed of, but they don't' seem to care either, no one is staring at me or laughing at me, they're all caught up in their own thoughts about what happened this weekend to worry about me or what I think. I'm happy to drown in their emotions instead of my own all the time. It's all about seeing the world around you. I get to my locker and think about Marny in the hallway that day that Victoria spit on her. I told myself today that if I saw her (she's been missing since that day at the pool, no one knows where she is or what happened to her) I would say something to her, just try to say hello, or something. I truly wonder now if she'll ever even come back to this school. I open the locker and see a note sticking out of the little slats at the top. I sigh and take it out, knowing that this is how it starts now, I can no longer hide behind the emotions of my peers but I'm going to have to face what this day is going to bring me. The note says:

Hey Kit, please come find me when you get this. I tried calling you this weekend. I really want to talk to you, please

It's in Reese's perfect handwriting of course and I wonder how long she had to practice as a girl to get this writing style. I put the note back into my locker and don't bother to look around, I'm doing what I do today, with no thought or wonder about anyone else. I get the books I need for first period and hear the warning bell ring. I've dallied long enough, its time to go face Reese in homeroom, Reese and Mrs. Adams, my mother is right, I am fucking strong.

I walk into homeroom and Reese isn't there yet, the warning bell has rung, Reese is hardly ever this late. I go sit down in my normal seat and say hi to a few of the girls around me, I can hear whispers but I promise myself I'm not going to assume those whispers are for me, reminding myself that all kinds of things happened this weekend, not just what happened to me, and even though its important to me, everyone is going through their same old stuff, it really makes me feel more compassionate for the people around me. I'm sitting staring idly in to space, maybe purposefully idly, and Reese comes in. She stops in the door way and looks around the room, checking to make sure I’m in here. She puts her head down, takes a huge breath and lets out a huge sigh and comes over to our seats. She sits in her regular seat, stares forward and then turns around to stare at me. For awhile I don't give her the pleasure of looking back, but eventually I turn to her and see that sheepish smile on her face.

"Hi" She says, looking down again, submission, I love it.

"Hi"

"So, Kit, I've been really worried about our friendship all weekend, I tried to call you a couple of times, I don't blame you for not answering." She stops there and looks expectantly at me, but I'm still not ready to speak to her, so I don't.

"So, I'm hoping that we can get out of this, you know, still as friends. I'm not really even sure how to explain myself, or if I have any kind of excuse or anything like that  I mean, I don't have an excuse for what happened, it just happened. You know, if you have any questions or anything you want to know, please ....I want you to be able to say anything to me.”

"I really don't have much to say Reese, and I'm not trying to be melodramatic or passive or anything, I honestly just don't have much to say to you right now."

Suddenly I feel like the positions have switched, like now I'm the mature one and Reese is the one flailing and feeling like she can't say what she means to say. I'm kind of enjoying it, I know I'm not supposed to enjoy the power struggle, but I kind of do.

"Well, okay, I mean, I don't want to push you or anything, I know you'll come talk to me when you're ready and you know...ugh I don't know, will you just say something Kit?"

Mrs. Adams walks in then, all smiles, somehow she smiles at our class like we're all some kind of African kids she just opened a school for, like she's doing us some kind of favor by coming in all smiley like that when she knows our lives are secretly really difficult. She asks us nicely to all be quiet which of course doesn't happen so she actually resorts to turning out the lights and turning them back on.

"Hello ladies. I hope everyone had a nice prom weekend and that you all got through it okay." Reese turns to me but I don't look at her or say anything. "There was something I wanted to talk to you women about today, something that I think needs to be said and a lot of people in this school aren't talking about it with you, but I think that's precisely who we should be talking to about it.” I Love how she tries to make us feel like she's our friend or something, that she's really on our side and doing us a favor. I find so much hypocrisy with Mrs. Adams, she is such a load. "But we've had some instances in the past few weeks of bullying, and I just really wanted to get your side of things, you know, really get to the source. We had that unfortunate incident in the bathroom with Marny Butts." Perfection how she brings up that whole thing again, she wants to get past it but the way Mrs. Adams gets past it is to bring it up again, bring up Marny's name again and remind everyone just how horrible that really is. I'm really starting to see the truth of it all now. I’m starting to see the truth of hypocrisy, or how horrible high school really is. You can't really trust your friends and you can't really trust your teachers and I believe they all think its some kind of cruel joke when grown ups pretend they’re on our side. "Now, I hope that none of you were involved in that horrible incident (what about the incident you made Marny stand on stage and had all of us yell at her? What about that incident Mrs. Adams?). I know you girls weren't, I think you all have too much heart to betray another woman like that."

I feel Reese look at me again, and once again I remain like a rock and don't look back at her.

 "But some girls were in on it and laughing and I know probably the boys thought it was funny, but I just want to make sure that in this classroom that kind of thing doesn't happen," she looks around at all of us, trying to catch our eye so we'll know that what she's saying is the truth. I know she feels like she's boring into our souls with this talk, but really she's just boring. Hee. "There is no reason that women need to go after other women, we all think we're competing for the same men and the same jobs and the same everything, but there's room enough for everyone in this school and it takes all types to make this world go round. I want us to remember that each member of our family is an important member and that we all need to stick up for each and protect each other. You may all have your clicks and the way things work and you don't think it will ever change and you'll be this popular or not popular. But the truth is there is a lot more out there than you what you see in this school."

I can feel Reese looking at me again and I know I can't ignore her anymore, I look back at her and I smile, a true smile, maybe the truest smile in days. Mrs. Adams maybe a huge fucking hypocrite but she is right about boys not being more important than your friends. Reese smiles maybe the biggest smile I've ever seen and I feel confident that she and I can get out of this with our friendship in tact. I'm not sure that Joel and I will ever speak, and I'm not saying it will be easy to watch them together, But if that’s what they want then I'm not going to be the one to stand in their way, I try to communicate this to Reese through my eyes and I think in some way she might actually understand.

"So as we go through spring and start finishing up the year, I want you to take a look around, look at the girl next to you and realize that she is a person too, a person with real feelings and real heart and remember that you never really know what's going on with someone, what’s going on in their head and that we have to learn to be sympathetic to each other, and that we are here to protect each other," and just as Mrs. Adams says that last word there is some huge bang, a loud noise that almost seems like a car crash or something, in a split second every girl in the room is turning around, looking at each other wondering what that noise is. I look at Reese and she shrugs her shoulders and gives a wan little smile and I hear a scream.

Beverly Wiggins is standing at the front of the room right where Mrs. Adams had been standing two seconds ago. She's screaming and looking down and Reese is the only one with enough wits about her to stand up and go over there. I'm following her because I don't have any idea where to look, all I know is that I need to keep looking at Reese or I'm afraid what I might see if stop. Reese walks slowly over to where Beverly is and looks at her, Reese is saying "What what is it Beverly, what is it, what is wrong with you?" Beverly is still screaming and she stares at Reese like Reese is someone unknowable, this girl she has gone to school with for years and Beverly is looking at Reese like a stranger. Once Reese gets over there Beverly sticks out her finger, like one of the ghosts of Christmas in Scrooge, she sticks out her finger and points down at the floor. Reese looks down where Beverly's finger is pointing and she sees Mrs. Adams. She doesn't make a noise or any kind of face, she is so frozen that I can't even tell what is happening by looking at her. She stares at Beverly and then looks down again, for what seems like a final time, and she looks at me, her face is twisted in pain, there are still no words coming from her mouth, she's opening and closing it but nothing is coming out. I stand up, the noise of the room around me fading into nothing, I can only see Reese, I can only see her twisted face, I can only see the one bony finger that Beverly is pointing. I walk slowly, foot after foot, step after step and walk through what feels like masses of girls moving and it seems like Reese is miles away, like she's in one of those horror movies where the door out keeps moving further and further, I get to where Reese is and she hugs me, she tries unsuccessfully to run me around but I didn't walk like what fees like five miles to be turned around now, I have to see what is going on and I have to see now.

I look down to where the finger is pointing me and there is Mrs. Adams, right where she was standing, yet, there is some kind of liquid coming from her head. She's face down with her legs splayed out wide, I know that its blood, I know it is but it just doesn't make any sense, its like when you're out shopping at the mall and you see a teacher or someone from high school and it doesn't make any sense that they're there, teachers don't stop at the mall and you try to figure out where you know that person from and somehow the two things just don't fit together at all. That's how I feel now, I know that's Mrs. Adams, I know that that is blood coming from her head, but I can't put the two things together in anyway. Again, the only touchstone I have right now is Reese, she's still half holding me in a hug, I'm twisted around to look at Mrs. Adams but Reese is still holding me and now she's started crying. As quick as a bullet, every sensation comes back to me in full force. I realize I'm standing in the middle of my home room, the wails and screams from the girls in the class are so loud, the light seems extra right, I can feel Reese holding me, I can still see Beverly’s finger pointing at Mrs. Adams and then we hear it, the loud noise again and I know with every bone in my body what it is. It's a shot. It's a gun shot. Someone is shooting in the school. My brain again tries to wrap around what is happening here. My god, someone has come into the school and just started shooting. I don't know what to do now and someone in our class yells RUN. I turn around back to Reese:
"Oh my god Reese, oh my god" I can't cry, I wonder why it is I'm not crying when every other girl is and I'm amazed that I'm even thinking this thought right now, still in the midst of all this I'm still trying to compare myself to every other girl in the school.

"Kit, someone shot her Kit, she's been shot."

"I know Reese I know, oh my god, what do we do?"

Reese seems to finally come back to the land of reality and she takes a look around the room like she's seeing it all for the first time, now there's a crowd of girls at the door, looks like some people are trying to get in and all these girls are trying to get out. I try to keep my head somewhat and take a good look at the room, did someone shoot from in here? From outside, why is someone trying to shoot Mrs. Adams and where the fuck is it coming from? I look at the floor and the ceiling and then the windows and I see where the glass is cracked, where it shattered on the ground, and a bullet shaped hole in the middle. Holy Christ, someone is outside and shooting into the school. I turn back around to Reese and tell her we have to get out of there.

"Where are we going Kit? Where are we supposed to go?"

"I don't know, we just have to get out of this room, its not safe."

"Let’s get out of there, let’s just go Kit, can we just go?" And Reese looks up at me like I’m her mother or something, like I have some kind of power here that Reese doesn't have. I know I'm in a different place than she is, that somehow my brain is working a little better than hers and I tell her that "yes, of course, lets leave lets get out of here" and Reese is no longer holding me now I am holding Reese. We grab each others hands and make our way to the door out of the homeroom. Pretty much all the other girls are gone at this point and anyone who was trying to get in isn't trying anymore, they were looking for a safe place, this room is not a safe place.

Right when we're at the door I turn around and take one last look at Mrs. Adams, I can barely take in what happened to her and in some weird way feel like I should be feeling more, that seeing your homeroom and drama teacher lying on the ground with blood gurgling from her head would make me crazy enough to turn into what Reese has turned into, a blithering girl. Yet when I see her lying there, I feel almost nothing. All I know is I have to get me and Reese out of here and it doesn't matter to me that Mrs. Adams is lying here dead, in fact, it doesn't matter to me at all.

Reese and I get out of the classroom and into the theater hall, the two are connected since Mrs. Adams is also the theater teacher, we've always had our homeroom in the theater building. From our quiet room of death we go to the complete chaos that is outside this room. I consider for a second that maybe we should go back in there, that it might just the safest place to be at this point, but I know we have to keep moving. We make our way down the theater hallway and we hear everyone screaming that someone has been shot, that someone is shooting, the girls are weeping and the boys have never looked so scared. I’ve never seen boys look that way really and that starts to really shake me then, all these cocky boys and they all look now they're like two years old. When we get into the main hallway there are a ton of students at the main doorway, it looks like it might be locked because there are probably a hundred students trying to open it, they try and then run away and cry and then try again and turn away and cry again. I hear screams of "the doors locked, we're stuck here" and then more people realizing what's going on and the screams start to get louder, boys are hugging boys, and girls and I realize that in one feel swoop, everyone in this school is equal. We're all equally scared, equally endangered, who is popular and who is not doesn't matter anymore. I also notice the lack of teachers, there don't seem to be any anywhere and I wonder horrifically if they've all been shot and just as I think that another shot rings out, CRACK and everyone in the hallway screams, it looks like we're okay but the noise is so fucking loud and I can't tell if the shooter is now in the school or out or what. A lot of the students have their cell phones and are trying to call out I guess, looking for their parents, the one thing that has been able to protect them up those point are peoples parents and now they are completely useless. We're going to have to figure this one out on our own. I get a text message from my phone and its Claire, she says she's stuck in the chemistry room and can't get out. I can't imagine what it must be like for her, poor sweet quiet Claire, the one that would never hurt a flea and now she's running from a fucking shooter. Amanda comes running up to us at that point and whips us both around, Reese is so scared she cries out and then sees its Amanda.

"Oh my god you guys, oh my god" Amanda's face is blank, I can't believe in all this chaos the most reaction I've seen is blank faces, confused faces, people who are so completely freaked out they don't know how to react anymore.

"Amanda, I'm so glad you're okay" and I give her a hug, still feeling remarkably in control of my emotions, I start to wonder a little it if I'm some sort of freak because I'm not crying and freaking out.

"I'm okay, are you guys okay?"

"We're okay. I jut got a text from Claire, she says she's stuck in the chemistry room."

"Stuck there? What do you mean stuck there?”

"I don't know, I don't know Amanda, but we have to find a way to get out of here, someone is fucking shooting in here."

"I know, Oh god I know, But I can't leave, I can't leave without Claire."

"We have to Amanda, we can't stay here." I'm almost screaming now, I'm so frustrated by her and think maybe I should go off on my own, I might be safer, I can't take care of all this.

"I CANT LEAVE WITHOUT CLAIRE" and she turns around and starts ruining upstream through all of the students, and I know she’s making her way to the chemistry room, which is all the way on the third floor in the back of the building.

"We have to with her Reese."

"No, no Kit we can't, please, I have to get out of here." Reese is really falling apart, her eyes are crazy, I've never seen anyone like this.

"I can't let Amanda go up there alone Reese, if you want to go then go, but I'm heading upstairs to go get Amanda" And I give her a hug, and say good luck and start to walk away, pushing my way through the screaming students.

"NO, please Kit" Reese is running up to me "Please, I'll go with you, I can't be alone right now, I’d rather go where you go."

"Okay, good, lets stay together, if you lose me just find your own way out okay? We're going to be okay Reese, I promise. She nods her head through teary eyes and we hear another CRACK. If everyone would just be quiet for a second, maybe we could find out where it was coming from.

Reese and I run up the stair way and on the second floor we notice another body. A girl I don't know is on her knees leaning over the body, her blonde hair and designer shirt billowing out in front of her. She has her hands covering her eyes and I see her shoulders hunching up and down with sobs.  The body under her is another blonde girl, another girl I don't think I know. The body is flat on her back, her palms turned upward like she's about to receive something, the only thing totally abnormal is the red pool around her head. I think of Mrs. Adams again, lying spread eagled on her back and a gunshot to her head, the same pool of blood, the same color, the same dazed look, I think we really are the same on the inside, or at least we all die the same way...

Reese is sobbing next to me, "oh no, oh no, Kit please oh god" and I whip her around, her face is completely wet now, there aren't even makeup streaks on her face like there were earlier, she's cried it all off, there is nothing here now but bare naked Reese, scared out of her mind, none of that motherly condescension she love so much, none of the New York coolness that never seems to leave her body, none of that know it all who will correct you at any moment, the only thing here is Reese and me, this is the heart of it I think, this is where our true hearts come to pass.

"Reese, we have to keep moving, we have to find Claire and Amanda, we can't just leave them there, c'mon, we're so close."

Reese breaks away from me and goes over the crying girl and kneels next to her. The girl doesn't move but something in her body lets us both know that she knows that we're here. Reese reaches out her hand and touches the body and pulls her finger back as if the body were hot. Somehow I think she needed to touch death. Seeing Mrs. Adams lying there, its almost no closure. You want to see her face, close her eyes, touch her skin, that's the only real way to know that someone is really gone.  I go over to the girl too, I kneel down on the opposite side of the body and grab the girl’s hand and ask in the calmest voice that I have "did you see anything?"

The girl keeps crying not saying a word, and her sobs are silent sobs, silent little girl sobs, she looks like she's about 10 right now, this 17 year old girl looks like a crying child. "did you see anything?" I whisper again, I need to know what's going on. 

Keeping her head down still the girl says "I saw her. I saw her."

"Saw who?” I ask
"I saw her get shot, I was standing here talk to her and she just crumpled down, just crumpled down like a house of cards."

"Did you see anything else, did you see who shot her?”

"It was Marny."

"What?" Reese and I both say it at the same time.

"It was Marny, she has some kind of rifle I think. I saw her standing in the hall, right at the end there, holding a gun like she was hunting fucking moose for godsakes."

"Are you sure?” I ask. Amazed that anyone could do this much less a girl. You hear about school shooting sometimes, but its always some boy who plays too many video games and wears makeup, this doesn't make any sense.

"I'm sure, I saw her, I looked into her eyes for fucks sake, she killed Courtney and then she looked right at me, the gun was still smoking and she pointed it right at me, held it up to her fucking face and then pointed the gun right at me. I was shaking and crying and asking her please, and there's Courtney like fucking bleeding out here Oh Courtney,’ at this point the girl looks down at her friend and pushes the bloody hair that is covering her eye "then she mimics like the gun went off, like she really did shoot me, but she didn't. Then she smiled at me. Probably the only smile I've ever seen from that girl ever, and she smiles at me and then she says "happy hunting" and turns around and leaves. I don't know why she left me here. I don't know why she didn't kill me too. I don't know why I'm here and she had to shoot Courtney." she looks up at Reese finally, the first time I've even seen her face and she says "Why did she kill Courtney and not me?"

Reese put her arms around the girl’s shoulders "I don't know, I just don't know"

"you should try and get out of here."

"But what about Courtney?"

"you're going to have to leave her here, you have to get out of here, Marny could be anywhere I guess."

"But I can't just leave her here, someone has to take care of her."

"we'll find someone, seriously you just have to go downstairs and try and find a way out."

"Reese come on, we have to find Amanda and Claire and get out of here"
I grab Reese's hand and I know she doesn't want to go with me, she's scared shitless right now and I don't blame her, some girl form our high school is walking around with a fucking rifle shooting our friends and peers. I just can't believe it.
Again, I see various students running through the halls but figure most of them  have to be downstairs by now, or hiding out in specific classrooms which might be the best right now, hiding in a utility closet or something, but we can't stop now. Reese and I make it up to the third floor when we hear another loud CRACK and I know Marny's not far. This one definitely sounded close. It's quiet up here, there's hardly any sound. Creeping around the hallway I'm amazed that this place that is supposed to be a safe place to be has suddenly become like some kind of horror story high school. The lights now seem dimmer, that's not as much sunlight as I had thought, everything seems closed in and like a trap, I feel like we're in some kind of terrible horror movie and we're trying to find our way out. But this place isn't a place of safety, it never was, for hardly any of us. What it feels like now to me must be what it felt like to Marny all these years. She never knew what was around the corner, she never knew when the next blow was going to come, but she always knew it was going to. There wasn't anyone she could really trust here at this school, the teachers didn't like her, the students hated her. Here there was no safe place either, I'm starting to get the intensity of what she must be feeling right now.

We get close the chemistry room and I hear more voices, they sound hushed and whispered, like they're trying to hide.  Reese and I get up the o the chemistry class room and I peek my face up to the window and look in. I see about 7 or 8 people In there, Claire being one of them, although I can't seem to see Amanda anywhere. The hallway is basically deserted, and I can't imagine why these people are hiding in here alone and haven't made a run for it. Right back and forth like a guard at a prison, she's holding up the rifle to her eye and quickly pointing it at each person in the room. I stand up taller and can see the ground, there's a body there...its one of the biyotches and she also has a shot in her head. I can't believe poor Claire has to sit in there with a dead body, while Marny walks around the room pointing a gun at people's heads. I can just see Claire in there, and a few other people. Claire looks so scared, so, so scared and I start to think that this must be the people that Marny is after. Now it’s her standing at the front of a classroom inspiring fear. Now it’s her turn to make us think about what we've done to her.

Reese has slid down the door and is sitting on the floor. She's rocking back and forth, she's close to really losing it and any noise or any sound is going to alert Marny to our presence which I'm pretty sure will get us shot.

"Reese, why don't you back downstairs and try and get out of here, I'll see if I can get Claire okay?

"No please, please Kit I want to stay with you."

"Fine, but you have to be quiet you can't say a word or make any kind of sound no matter what you see. Okay?" Now its my turn to talk down to her, I can't help but get some slim satisfaction that she is the one breaking down in this situation and that somehow I am the one rising up to this situation. I don't know where this strength or clear headedness comes from in here. I'm not sure what about this particular crisis is making me step up to the plate, to think clearly, to help, to be a hero even maybe. I really don't know except it feels like some kind of weird mixture of caring about my fellow students, but also not caring about them. I have some kind of detachment here, something has changed in me that I feel like I have a harder heart, or that I know how the world works now and there are no more scary secrets.

I also remember thinking when I heard about Columbine that if that ever happened in my school, I would do my best to stay alert and to not freak out, I always remember thinking freaking out was the worst way to handle this situation.

As I'm thinking about a way to get Claire out of the room I hear another CRACK and I see the bullet enter a boys head, I see the line of red seep form a hole, I see him slouch down in his chair, I see him drop a pencil from his hand. I see his body shake as death takes over, and then I see the back of Marnys head, bent back in laughter. I can hear her laughing because of the boy she just shot. She's really fucking lost it, I'm not sure any of us are going to make it out of here. There's only one way I can think of to get Marny out of that room and that is to create a diversion. I'm going to have to make some kind of noise to get Marny out of there and heading down a different direction.  I'm about to ask Reese to help with this very intricate and dangerous plan, running out of the other hallway, spinning around the corner and almost smashing into the wall comes Joel.

"JOEL" Reese stands up (I thought she was too weak to do this as quickly as she did) she runs to him and he hugs her, tightly I notices and then really figure maybe its time to let that drop.

"Joel are you okay?" I ask, he seems really wound up, more than he should.

"Have you seen her? Where is she?"

I point to the chemistry room and put my finger up to my mouth. "Shhhh, she's actually in the chemistry room, she just shot another boy, I saw the whole thing."

"She's after me"

"What? what are you talking about?" I ask, thinking maybe this is the biggest version of egoism I have ever seen.

"She's after me, she has a list."

"What kind of list, Joel, what are you talking about?"

"She has a list, of all the students she wants to get rid of. As soon as she finds someone she shoots them then crosses them off the list."

"No, that's can't be true, that is crazy!"

"That's what Billy told me, I guess Victoria is at he top. he said he saw it while she had it out, he walked up behind her and looked at a bunch of the names."

"Am I on there?" asks Reese, like she's checking the roll call in the theater department, see if she got the part she wanted.

"I don't know Reese, he only told me I was on there."

I felt some sick perversion in wondering if I was on the list. I always figure I would never make it onto someone else's death list like that, most people don't think of me one way or another especially a death list  I wonder if Joel is right. ˆI can see Marny in her room, that day after the pool thing, with a pencil and a piece of paper, deciding just who it is from our school is going to get the proverbial axe. It's like some weird kind of fucked up Santa thing. We hear rumblings in the classroom and I grab Reese and Joel and move them into the ladies bathroom across the hall. Marny comes out of the classroom wearing a huge skirt and her frumpy sweater and her fat white thighs are showing through between her socks and her skirt. She lopes down the hallway , one huge step after another, she doesn't turn around to look like anyone is following her, she doesn't look shaky at all, there is nothing in her countenance that would suggest she is nervous, or scared, or guilty. The last thing I notice before she turns the corner is a piece of long yellow legal paper in her hand, with a list of what looks o be names and a few, just  a few of those names scratched off.

"Did you see that shit?" asks Joel, “that's a list dude, that is a fucking list she's carrying. Shit.”

"Oh god, Joel, you have to get out of here, you have to leave here."

"I know Reese I know, we all have to get out of here."

"Let’s get Claire."

I walk into the classroom where Claire is and no one that was in there has moved. Not one of them. They're all too terrified to move even though Many left a few minutes ago now.

I can see at least two boys, one of the boy I saw get shot and there's another girl , no one in that classroom is looking at either body, like they need to pretend they're not even here.

"Claire!" she doesn't move, she doesn't even seem to register that her name has been called "Claire!"

 I say louder, still nothing, in fact no one in the classroom and even looks up, I think they might be in shock or something.

“CLAIRE” yells Joel and her head finally turns to our general direction but there is nothing that shows that she actually sees us standing here. "Claire we have to go" I enter into the room and definitely notice the smell of death ad blood. How amazing that it is has its own kind of aura almost, death, it has its own smell its own sense of feeling about it. I still somehow remain detached, like somehow that blood and shooting and dead students don't bother me, I keep rolling with it knowing that sooner or later I'm going to come back to earth being as scared as Reese, so I might as well use all the strength I have. I step over the boy’s body, again, he just looks so young, he really looks like a boy here, not some half man that can make a girl so crazy she has to shoot her fellow students to feel better. I step over him and take Claire's hand. She looks at me again, not seeing. But I know something in her knows that I' m here because I can see her shoulders fall ever so slightly, like she's been holding her breath this whole time and she didn't really think she could let go until just now. She follows me when I ask her to stand and come with me. I look around at the other students and they all look like Claire, scared and worried. I tell them I think Marny's gone, that she's done to a different part of the school if they want to  try and go, I tell them there's no reason to  stay in here any more. And in some weird way I think some of them stay because this is the worst hell they know. If  they get up and leave this room, something even more horrible might happen than what they saw. If they stay here in this room than they know the evil they're dealing with, they already saw it. But again I know I can't stay and help each one so I just take Claire and lead her out to the hallway. As soon as I do Amanda comes running down he hall and runs into her Claire hugging her. Twins, such a strange thing I think to myself, to have a duplicate of yourself, just in case anything ever went wrong...

I look around at our group stranded here in the hallway, as we're talking some of the kids start filing out of the room, staring at us, not sure which way to go.

"Okay, how are we going to get out of here?" I ask.

"I think we should split up" says Amanda, "I'll take Claire and we'll try and go down the back way, you Joel and Reese should try going down the front way , that way if one of us gets out we can text the other one and tell them which way to go."

Amanda seems of have her head on straight too, I wonder if the focus of trying to find her sister has set her on some other path.

"It's not a bad idea Amanda. Reese" Reese looks up at me, still with tears streaming down her face. I see Joel holding her hand and I feel the tinge of rejection once again. Amazing to me that even in this situation I can still feel the dramatic and selfish me. I wonder in some way if this is what Marny is battling against. If maybe just for one day we  could all stop thinking about our own small trivial things, and think of her. Think of her and her power with a gun.

"Reese, what do you want to do, do you want to try and go down the back with Amanda and Claire or do you want to stay with me and Joel?”

"I want to stay with you guys, please."

"Fine, me and Joel and Reese will try and go through the front way, you and Claire go down the back, if you get out text us and we'll do the same."

"She has a list" this is the first thing Claire says

"She has a list?" says Amanda

"Yes, she has a list, she's going to shoot everyone on the list, that's what she said."

"She told you that?" I asked, I can't believe Marny said anything to anyone.

"Yes, she said she has a list and she was going to kill everyone on that list first, and afterwards she was going to kill everyone else."

"Did she really say that?"

"Yes, right before she shot Justin." I can't decipher he look in Claire's eyes, some of her focus has come back but she still looks like she's seeing through a dark crystal or something.

"Okay yeah, we need to get out of there, now" I grab Reese's hand one more time “we’ll see you guys outside okay? I look at Amanda, then Claire "Okay?"
"Okay, good luck" says Amanda and I feel some stronger connection to her now, it’s like what happened to me and my ability to keep my head has also happened to Amanda. I never would have thought this was the thing we would have in common, the ability to keep our head while someone is shooting students in a school.

We separate and me and Joel and Reese headed to the front of the school.
We make it back down to the first floor, unfortunately running by the body the blonde girl had been bent over, she's still lying there, her palms till open to some kind of god she never finished praying to, and we notice there's still a large group of students by the front door. They still can't get out. I happen to know the windows and doors are extra strong and bullet proof, This was mainly to help keep people out of the school, no one ever thought it was would be a weapon to hold kids in the school.

"There has to be another way out of this school, something Marny hasn't thought of yet." I turn to Joel "You must know something, you sneak out of school all the time."

"There is something through the gym, you know? You can get out on to the field through the locker rooms."

"That is it, we have to head to the gym."

There are still students running about, but a lot of them have huddled together by the front door. As if there is some kind of safety in numbers. yes, they're all out in the open, with no covering or protection against Marny Butts, but at least they're all standing together, warm and cozy, feeling a human being next to them for maybe the last time in their lives.

How long has it been since we heard the first shot? Since Mrs. Adams crumpled into a heap? It feels like it was hours ago, where are the cops? Shouldn't they be here now? Where are all the teachers? I have an image of all of them hiding out in the teachers lounge, still smoking cigarettes and laughing about poor old silly Marny Butts.  The only thing we can do is to get the hell out of here. There is no adult that is going to come and save us, none of the taxpayer’s money or parent’s wealth is going to help us now, we are finally growing up, the only thing we have to rely on is us.

Reese and Joel and I head to the gym which is now on the opposite sides of the school, we run past people here and there with only one question on their lips "where is she?" we don't know where she is and someone else "have you seen her?" no, we have not seen her.
Almost to the gym we almost run smack into Victoria and Billy. Victoria is a mess, I thought I would never see her in any kind of state but perfection, but right now she looks terrible. Wet faced like Reese, she's cried off every amount of perfectly applied makeup.

"You did this" says Reese, looking right at Victoria.

“What did I do?" Victoria still has the tenacity to spit back Reese "you think I have something to do with this?"

"You drove her to this Victoria, you were meaner to her than anyone."

"That doesn't give her the right to go around shooting people Reese."

"No, I didn't say it did, but I bet if you had left her alone, this never would have gone this far, this is all your fault Victoria."

It looks like for one second that Victoria is going punch Reese, punch her for what she said, but Billy grabs her arm and says "this isn't about anyone in particular right now, what we all have to do is get out of here alive."

CRACK

Damn, it had been too long since one had gone by, it almost felt like the immediate threat was over, but I was silly to think the threat was over, it hadn't even begun.
"Where are you guys headed to?" I ask, making sure this little party keeps moving forward, I don't want to get stuck in an open hallway, with nothing to protect me.

"We were headed to the gym, maybe the locker room can get us out on to the field, every other door we've tried is locked" Billy found my face, knowing I was the one doing the deciding round here.

"Lets all go to the locker rooms then you guys can try the girls and we'll try the boy’s side" says Joel.

Now that a decision has been made Joel steps in to act like he had something to do with it, still trying to boss women around in the middle of a crisis.

Once we get to the locker rooms Reese and I head into the ladies one and Joel and Billy and Victoria head into the men's room. I'm almost relieved, as if I’ve left some baggage I don't have to worry about that I can move faster when it’s just me and Reese.

The locker room is silent, I'm surprised no one is hiding in here, or maybe they are, and I remind myself that this place is here with all its great hiding places. We make it out to the back door of the locker room and lo and behold, the door is open. I open the door and take a deep breath of the fresh spring air. Normally today, right about now I’d be on this field, doing something stupid, like pushups or sit ups or something so completely asinine that I can't believe our days ever went like that before, and wonder if they'll ever really be like that again. There seems to be a lot lost now, I'm not sure we'll even have gym class again, it all just seems so silly now.

Out on the field I see Victoria and Billy and Joel. They've made it out too. We go to meet them in the middle of the field and CRACK. Oh god. How did I think that putting us out into the open like this could really have been safer?

"You're the one I've been waiting for"

Up in the stand is Marny. She's about halfway up the bleachers, the bleachers where I've watched Joel play lacrosse a thousand times, the bleachers where me and Reese and Amanda and Claire sit and talk about boys, and Marny. Those plain old bleachers have now become an agent for damage and destruction. Marny is pointing the gun at Victoria, there is no doubt about it.

"I've been looking for you everywhere Victoria."

"No, please Marny, don't"

"Sometimes you have to learn the lesson that your actions do have consequences Victoria. You can't get away with everything you know."

"Please Marny, I'm so sorry. I've been such an awful person. I know it. I know I did mean things to you and I'm sorry. I really see now how hurtful those things can be. I don't ever want to hurt anyone again. I mean it, please. Please Marny don't shoot me."

"Get down on your knees."

"What?"

"Get down on your knees Victoria."

"Please oh god" Victoria is barely making words anymore, she has spit and snivel running down her face, every ounce of beauty and composure is gone, Marny must be feeling some kind of championship right now.

"Just do it for godsakes"
Victoria puts her head down, I'm not sure if its in supplication or if she just doesn't want to see what's going to happen next.

I take this time for me and Reese to move back, I don't think Marny saw either one of us and it just might be better that way, I can't believe either one of us would be on her list, but that’s not something you want to find out before its too late. Plus, I don't think Marny would have a hard time killing anyone at this point, on the list or not.

Victoria is on her knees, she's just saying please over and over and I wonder how Marny could ever shoot her. She's obviously broken and powerless, it would seem to me that this is all Marny wants really, is just to have all the power over Victoria.
And as my thought finishes its train I hear another loud CRACK, in that weird way that slow motion happens I see Billy yell NO and leap in front of Victoria, I see the bullet hit him in the chest and I see Victoria fly backwards, as if someone just punched her in the stomach. Billy is draped over Victoria's lap and blood is oozing from his chest. Victoria is bent backwards at an odd angle, and the now familiar rush of blood is coming from her head.

Joel is out there. Joel is out there alone.

"You too, get down on your knees"

There is a squeal from Reese, and I shove her back in side quickly, I know Marny looked over here to see where the yelp came from, but she's too concentrated on Joel now.

"I never did anything to you Marny, I really didn't, I hated how the kids treated you."

Marny laughs a really evil laugh. The kind of laugh you hear on TV, by maniacal gunmen who are planning wasting whole town, and here it is in the flesh.

"You never cared how the kids treated me, you never cared when I was being beat up right in front of your eyes, you watched countless times while they messed with me, and you never did anything."

"I don't even know what to say Marny, but you don't have to do this, you can stop this all right now, I mean, the cops must be on their way...there, there they are now, they're here Marny, we can stop this right now, you don't have to kill anymore people."

I must say I've never really heard Joel be quite so prolific, those are probably the most words I've ever heard him speak in one sentence. I can hear the sirens, they're getting really loud. I feel better knowing that they're here but I also know it can take the cops forever to do anything. I know Reese and I aren't out of the woods yet, and I'm not sure Joel is ever going to get out of the woods. Marny doesn't seem phased by the cop sirens at all. She continues to look at Joel, with her head cocked to one side, like she's a dog earnestly listening to what Joel has to say.

"Please Marny" Joel looks over to where we're standing, he can see me but he can't see Reese. He gives me a look like he's asking for my help, like he wants me to come out there, like a I'm a parent breaking up a fight, like I can actually do something. I don't know what else to do so all I can manage is a shrug, there's no way I'm risking my life, or Reese's to go out there and unsuccessfully try to save Joel's. I don't know what else to do, so I push Reese in front of me so he can at least see her. All that time I thought my pain was the worst, I thought no one else had it worse than I did, that the fact that my best friend kissed my boyfriend was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. Who would have thought that a few days later I would be protecting her life by letting him die, that I have to push her out onto the football field so her boyfriend can see her for the very last time.

"Please never helped me, and its not going to help you."

Marny raises the gun, puts it down for one second and I think that maybe she's going to let Joel go, but then she just rearranges herself and puts the gun back up. I hear Joel yell "NO PLEASE" and Reese makes like she's going to run out on the field, I know Marny will shoot her if she runs out there, so I hold her back and whisper "no, Reese, you can't go, you have to let it happen" She turns to look at me with a look I will never forget for the rest of my life. It is absolute and total pain. "Please don't let her do it Kit, please oh god" "Don't look" I say, but she turns around anyway, there is just no way we can let this moment pass by without seeing the whole thing. To experience the full reality of evil, you have to look it in the eye. CRACK. And just like that, Joel falls in a heap with Victoria and Billy, the blood pools around his head, and Joel is gone.

Reese and I can hear the sirens, she's sobbing, silently. I always used to hear those loud wails on TV, when someone would die, the griever would sob loud wails, wails that come from deep inside and sound almost inhuman. Reese is the complete opposite, she is not making one noise, not even the sound of crying, her face looks like she's crying, but not one sounds comes out, not one tear. I feel so detached, my boyfriend, or my ex, or my fist love, or my first fuck or whatever he was to me is lying on the ground in a heap, shot by a fellow schoolmate and I cannot find anything in me to cry or scream or yell. The only thought I have at all is how the hell I'm going to get me and Reese out of there without getting shot. Yes, Marny has her list, but my guess is she wouldn't mind shooting all of us.

We run back inside pretty quickly, I bet Marny's going to be coming this way too, she can't run around to the front now, the cops will be waiting for her now. The quickest way for her to get in is to come through the locker room too. I think it might be best if Reese and I try to hide in there, we won't beat Marny to the front of the school, she'll see us and I fear if she sees us, she'll kill us. We'll let her go first and then follow her out of here, once she gets up front there will be a policemen waiting for her, I know it.

I grab Reese who is not even paying any attention and we run back to the row of lockers way in the back against he wall, the farthest away from the doors in and out of the field. She's sitting, still making no noise which is good, I don't say anything to her, I don't want her to change her reaction at all. I need her silent.

I hear Marny come in the door, it bangs open so loud that Reese hiccups and starts to cry "were going to die now, we're going to do die now." "Sshh” I whisper in her ear "We're gonna make it out of this Reese, please, just be quiet" and then I hear her.

"I know you guys are in here. I know you saw what just happened, the whole thing. I did it for you guys. I know he hurt you and then went out with you and then hurt you guys again." Marny is yelling. She's not talking quietly like she's warning us, she's yelling, too loud, there is no doubt that she knows we can hear her. "You guys were friends, you shouldn't let a guy split you up, so I took care of it for you."

We don't say anything, I'm not sure what she expects that we're going to do at this point.

"Don't you guys want to come out and say thank you to me, for what I did for you?"

We still say nothing.

"Don't you guys want to come out and say thank you to me for what I did for you?"

We still say nothing. This is the first real fear I've felt in my heart all day. Of course I've been scared and seen things I will never quite get over and I know this, but this is the first moment of the day where I thought that it might just be me. That right now, I'm the one that's going to die.

"DON'T YOU GUYS WANT TO COME OUT AND SAY THANK YOU TO ME FOR WHAT I DID FOR YOU?" She's really mad now yelling at the top of her lungs. I can feel that this energy is wearing out, she's getting tired, you can't keep this kind of adrenaline up all day.  At some point you're going to have to crash and burn. What I was hoping for was that we were going to miss the crash and burn altogether, no such luck.

"GODAMNIT COME OUT HERE."

And Reese does, some part of her is finished. Some part of her is done with it. Some part of her doesn't care anymore whether she lives or dies. And Reese stands up. I see her stand, I'm holding on to her hand and once she stands she drops it, she just lets go of the hand she's been holding on to all day. She has a dazed look in her eye, like a zombie almost, like she's going to do someone's bidding and she can't be released. She starts walking around the lockers, she's going out there, good Christ Reese is going out there.

I know I should stand up, go with her, try to stop her, cry out for her, reach out for her, call her back, try and find a weapon, try to distract Marny, anything to save my friend from what she's about to do, but I also have nothing left. I've been protecting Reese all day, and now its time to let her go, now its my time to be the mother, if Reese needs to go face her demons with Marny, there is nothing I can do to stop her.

"Marny" I hear Reese say, I can't see anything, I don't want to see anything, I stay right where I am, as quiet as a mouse.

"Ah, there you are. How did it feel to watch your boyfriend die?"

"It scared me Marny, it really scared me. It scared me as much as you have been scared"

"That's the point"

"I know, I know, and I really think you've proven to us just how scared you really are. I think I know now how scared you were and now I see how horrible it was for you."

"Thank you."

"I think you've scared us all enough though," I can hear Reese moving closer to Marny, I can hear shuffles and I can tell Reese has lowered her voice because she's closer now, trying to soothe something in Marny's dark soul.

"I don't think I'm even close."

"But the cops are here Marny, they're going to catch you and you're going to jail no matter what, so why not just stop now."

"I can't stop now, I have 20 more names on my list."

"Remember that time we were in here together? Taking care of each other, remember that?"

"You weren't taking care of me, you were trying to seem holier than thou, you never cared about me either."

I'm starting to get scared now, I know Reese thought she could really talk Marny out of this, or that somehow she was free because she helped her that day.

Marny stops, I hear nothing for a full minute. I wonder what's happening, are they hugging? Are they crying? is Marny actually considering putting the gun now? Did the I want to be your friend line work?

"DON'T TRY TO FUCK WITH ME GODDAMNIT." Reese is crying now.

"YOU GET ON YOUR KNEES TOO," then quieter "you don't want to be my friend, what did you think I was actually going to fall for that? You think I think that you want to be my friend? After I just shot your boyfriend in the head? You don't want to be my friend, you never wanted to be my friend." CRACK

I hear the slump and can almost see the blood coming out of Reese's head. That's it, its all over for me, every ounce of strength I had, every brave thought or deed I tried today failed, everything is done now and I'm completely broken. She broke me, finally she broke all of us and we'll never be the same. I don't even try to hide it anymore. She knows I'm here, she's coming to kill me and she just killed my best friend. So I start bawling. I've never cried so hard in my life and now it isn't the quiet silent bawl that Reese did, but mine is that load moaning cry, I don't even care anymore, I want her to come back here and shoot me. I just want it all to be over and if this is the way that it can all be over for me, then I hope it happens right now.

I hear Marny walking closer to me, her heavy footsteps clonking around, even in her controlled and deathly focus, she still stomps around the room. I'm still crying, my moaning wail when I see Marny come around the corner. She looks completely insane but totally quiet still. But her physical appearance gives away what is going on underneath. I get a good look at her before she says anything to me, it must be a full minute that we stand staring at each other. Her hair is matted, she's been trying to run her fingers through it to no avail. But its only matted on one side, making the one side seem shorter than the other, like a Cyndi Lauper haircut. There's blood in her hair, little matted clumps of brown scattered throughout her scalp. Her clothes are torn and dirty, like somehow on her shooting spree she went rolling in the mud a little bit, and I wonder how it is she got so dirty, even in my present state. She has no shoes on, I'm not sure she ever did, her legs and arms also have blood spatter on them, and something a little more solid too, something I don't want to think about now. And then my eyes move up to her face, I'm scared to look but now I have to face my executioner, I want to see. I want to see what’s in her eyes. And there is nothing there. Her eyes are black, I see no pupils or iris or anything, I just see darkness. There is blood all over her face, all over her mouth even, and as she stands to look at me, she actually licks her lips, acquiring some of the blood that was in the corner of her mouth. She smiles then and I can see blood in her mouth, covering her teeth like  a little girl playing with her mother's lipstick. Her grin is evil and slow, starting at the bloody center and moving outwards. I know this is the end.

I think about my mother, frantic at home I'm sure, in this day of cell phones and such, I'm sure the parents must know, mom is probably standing outside the school right now waiting for me to come out, hoping beyond all hope. Maybe they know about Joel and Reese and Victoria and Billy, maybe they know it’s many. Maybe they know she has someone trapped in the locker room. Maybe. I think about my room, I think about Joel and the dance I think about the first day I met Reese, I think about Amanda and Claire and hope they got out. I think about my life up until now, how for some reason it feels like my whole life has led me up to this point. I think about the reason I could  never get past high school was because I was never to make it out of high school. I'm never going to see the family in the house I dreamt of walking on snowy days. I feel sad for my husband and child I never got to meet. I feel sorry for everyone, all the students, all the pain. How much we need each other to remain normal and how much pain people go through. I think about how lucky I've been to have the life I've had, to have had parents who love me, who will never fully get over what happened to me in this locker room. I am about to die.

Marny's smile fades and she does the cocked head thing with me again, like she's studying me, weighing perhaps if I'm worth it or not.

"Remember the day your mother picked me up in the car and drove me to the mall?"

I'm shaking, I can't answer, please just let this be over. I can't believe I'm wishing to die.

"Do you remember?" she’s asking more forcefully now, I don't want to see her yelling again.

"Yes, I remember"

"Your mother was very kind to me, you are lucky to have a mother who loves you."

"Yes I am." I feel like she's almost trying to communicate with me, but I know it’s not me, it feels almost like last rites, I'm just not sure if the last rights are for me.

"At least you know you are lucky. At least you know what you have and what you have lost today"

"yes I do" Marny is looking around now, at the lockers, at the floor, at the ceiling, she's taking it all in.

"I don't wish for your mother to be in any pain"

"No, no me either." Please god am I maybe going to get out of this.

I hear voices, something, some kind of to do outside. If I can just hold on, keep her talking, I don't know, something, maybe its the cops.

Marny obviously hears the voices too, her head cocks to the  hallway and darts back to me, her face is ticking now.

She raises the gun, just like she did with Joel, points it right at me, I'm staring at her, I can't cry or beg and plead anymore, its over. Then she puts the gun down, holds her hand like a gun and fake pulls the trigger. She says" bang" laughs, and walks out of the locker room.

I'm safe oh Christ I'm safe, I'm okay, I'm still alive. I can hardly believe it. She let me go. She let me live.

Something in me can't stay here, I know Reese is right around the corner and I can't smell her blood or the gunpowder anymore. I walk around the corner and see Reese slumped over the bench. There is blood in her beautiful hair, and it drips to the floor in the most quiet of the day, this is the strongest silence I have ever known. I reach down to touch a clean part of her face, she does look peaceful. I tell her I love her and that I have to go, and that I'm sorry that I couldn't protect her.

I get out of the locker room door and I can see the back of Marny lumbering down the hallway. In one hand she has her rifle, in the other hand she has her yellow legal pad list. It’s wet and runny and tattered. I wonder how many people she actually got from her list. I see the cops come around the corner and although my heart leaps at seeing them, I also know now that the end of this story is no better than the beginning. There are about ten cops and they stop at the far end of the hallway. Marny sees them to but it doesn't seem to sop her at all. She keeps lumbering forward, gun and list at her side. The cops yell freeze and have their guns held up. And I wonder for a moment if the guns are going to be enough to stop her, in my mind she's become some sort of non human killer, a terminator who can't be stopped with guns. And I see the irony of what I think, that she is too powerful to be stopped by a policeman's bullet, but not strong enough to take high school bullying.

Marny doesn't stop but keeps on walking. The cops yell STOP, FREEZE again and yet she keeps on walking. I hear the sound of about five guns being loaded, they're ready to shoot her, they are going to shoot her right here in this hallway. FREEZE OR WE WILL SHOOT.

Marny stops then. She looks back at where she knows I'm standing and pulls out her fake gun again and shoots. Then, she turns around to face the cops, drops the paper, and turns the gun on herself. CRACK. The last shot.

For one moment there are no sounds, not anything, just the smoke from the gun wafting through the hallway, and then the blood. And then there is screaming. The cops are yelling, I'm not sure what they're yelling but they're yelling. They've gotten to where Marny lies. They bend over here, spin her over, pump on her chest, try to stop the bleeding from her head, and I can't figure out why they're trying so hard to save her, maybe because there are going to be a lot of people who wished a different form of justice for her.

As they're working I come out of my hiding spot. Walking the same walk down the  hallway Marny just did. Yet my life has been spared while hers was doomed, doomed from the beginning maybe, from the second she came out of the womb. The cops see me and I think they have a mix of fear and confusion at first, until I can't take one more step and I fall to the ground not ten feet away from where Marny did.

I don't remember a lot after this. I know some paramedics came in, people asking me questions, what happened in there, who else is in there and I know I manage to say something about the football field and Reese and Joel. I remember my mother sitting over me, crying at some points laughing with at others. I wake up in the hospital, numb, wondering if I got shot somehow anyway. But I' okay. I'm alive.

Marny Butts ended up killing 20 students that day. No injuries, just kills. She shot twenty students in the head, and each one of them was an ace hit. They found her list and managed to put together some of the names, but some of the names were just scrawled and illegible. Later, when the cops were asking me about everything that happened that day, how it all went down, they told me my name was not on the list, and in some way, that made me feel better. Like I did right by Marny, the best I could anyway. I had constant nightmares for the first few months, waking up and screaming, sure someone was in my room, coming after me. I mourned the loss of Joel and Billy and even Victoria, but it was Reese who I missed most of all. And never really got over the guilt that I couldn't save her, that I could barely save myself.

News came out about Marny after this of course, the fact that her parents were never home, that they abused her, not physically, but by ignoring her. That sometimes they would leave her home for days on end, and never once taught her how to take care of herself. They found that she had weird drawings and sketches, plans for different kinds of death. They found plans for this day as well, maps of the school, ways she was going to come after us, multiple lists with names scratched off depending what might have happened that day.

But of course no one ever came up with a real answer, there was talk of violence on TV, in video games in music. But many of these arguments didn't fly, because Marny just wasn't one of those kinds of people. She didn't even own a TV, didn't play games, wasn't in to devil music. What happened that day just happened. What happened that day was a lifetime in the making, and there were never to be any definite answers.

The only answer I could learn was that my life was a lifetime in the making. That how I handle issues and problems stems from me, not the outside world. I can't go into all the lessons I learned from that day, I'm too tired still. But I know that my life after high school is all that is, life after high school.