Dwayne’s Word

By Nick Fragale, Jesse Swanson and Sean McGrath

Scene: The stage is set in an talk show type setting with two chairs stage right for our hosts, Dwayne and Barth and 3 chairs are set stage left for their various guests. The chairs are about half way up stage to allow for plenty of action downstage of the set.

Electric guitar is heard to rev up the crowd as our hosts enter followed by an army of hair and make up people. Various things happen here that make Dwayne and Barth more “rockin” (ex. Barth’s Hair gets messed up, they tear the sleeves off of Dwayne’s shirt etc.) The STAGE MANAGER comes out and begins a count down as an announcement plays:

Announcer: You’re watching Tomato Access Television, which is made possible by our sponsors, which just so happen to be viewers like you. The views and opinions of Dwayne’s Word do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Tomato Access Television, Tomato Patch, or Sean McGrath. Thank You.

(Hair and make up rush off stage as the stage manager completes the countdown and cues the talent. A recording plays as lights move around the stage.)

Recording/Dwayne: It’s Dwyane’s Word, Dwayne’s Word, Healin’ Time, Excellent…

Barth: Okay, Alright! Welcome to ‘Dwayne’s Word’ where all the totally excellent healing can begin. Here’s your host, Dwayne Cambell!

Dwayne: ALRIGHT! It’s 9 o’clock, Wednesday night, I’m your excellent host and guide to personal healing, Dwayne. And with me as always is Barth.

Barth: Party on Dwayne!

Dwayne: Party on Barth! Now before we bring out our first guest, let me explain this totally rad change of scenery. You see last weekend Barth had this totally awful sinus infection. There was mucus everywhere man, it was terrible. So I told him to listen to listen to Stairway to Heaven on repeat.

Barth: Three days later I was totally cured.

Dwayne: And that’s how we realized the totally awesome healing power of rock and roll! So we want to bring this new discovery to you our faithful audience.

Barth: Party on Dwayne!

Dwayne: Party on. So let’s bring out our first guest, a young girl named Cindy and her family who say she has a totally uncool problem. Let’s bring them out.

Dwayne & Barth: It’s Dwayne’s Word, Dwayne’s Word, Healin’ Time, Excellent…

(CINDY, MOM and DAD enter and sit in the three chairs SL)

Dwayne: Now Cindy, why don’t you explain the problem.

Cindy: Well guys, to be honest I have no idea. My parents just dragged me on to this stupid show.

Mom: Cindy!

Dad: Now young lady! We came here to discuss something we found in your room.

Cindy: What were you guys doing in my room?!

Mom: We have to talk to you.

Cindy: You guys, what’s going on?

Dad: You know darn well what’s going on

Mom: George, that won’t help

Dad: I’m so steamed!

Mom: Non-confrontational, George. That’s what the counselor said.

Cindy: Counselor! Oh my God, you guys! What is this?

Mom: (reading) Cindy, we love you. You’re important to us.

(Pause)

Mom: George?

Dad: What we do is out of love for you and it’s not to punish you… Oh for pete’s sake Marion! I can’t read this babble!

Cindy: Ok. I’m now officially freaked out.

Mom: I was in your room putting some clothes away and, you know tidying up a bit… (holds a box to her) and I found these!

Cindy: I can explain…

Dad: Sure you can. This I gotta here!

Mom: When did you start this?

Cindy: I don’t know.

Dad: How many of your friends do this?

Cindy: I don’t know, Dad. A couple.

Dad: It’s that Betty, isn’t it?

Mom: George, that isn’t important. Remember, no blame.

Cindy: Honest, Dad, I’ve only done it a couple times. I can stop whenever I want.

Dad: This is a nightmare. A nightmare I tell you.

Mom: We called school.

Cindy: Oh my god, I’m ruined.

Dad: How, in the name of all that is holy, did this start?

Cindy: I was at a party…

Dad: Betty’s I bet.

Mom: George please. Go ahead dear.

Cindy: A lot of people we dancing. I don’t know. It seems so long ago. I was loud. We were dancing. It got late. We all started to, you know, get into it.

Dad: Is that why you started listening to THIS

(He pulls a Britney Spears album out of the box)

Barth: Britney Spears?! If she were a president, she’d be Babe-erham Lincoln.

Dwayne: Oh yea, party on.

Cindy: Oh Dad, I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen.

Dad: (Pulling out CDs) Britney Spears! Ashlee Simpson! Hilary Duff! High School Musical 1 and 2! I’m not even sure who Jesse McCartney is, but I know who he isn’t!

Mom: Tell us why dear. Help us understand. Your father and I don’t listen to crappy music.

Cindy: Ever?

Mom: There was your fathers Kenny G. incident.

Dad: And the Celine Dion scare of 1997. And the polka experiment.

Mom: And you can’t help it if you’re with your friends and somebody slips on a Micheal Bolton…

Dad: But no one brings that crap home!

Mom: George, judgmental…

Dad: Gosh darn it Marion! No child of mine is going to listen to this! Not under my roof!

Cindy: I’m so sorry, Daddy. What can I do?

Mom: Now honey, I know that you want to change. Your father and I have decided that you can listen to our CD’s as long as you put them back when you’re done.

Cindy: I love you guys! I promise. I’m done with lousy music!

(Mom and Cindy hug and cry. Dad holds back, but gives in. It’s very emotional)

Cindy: Honest, Mom and Dad, it’s over.

Dad: You can listen to my Elvis Costello and U2 records any time you want.

Cindy: Thank you, Daddy!

Mom: We’re so proud of you. We’ll take this box with us. Once in a while, it will be okay to listen, but for right now, we’ll hold on to it.

Dad: Thank you Dwayne for letting us come on your show and put a stop to these terrible lies.

Mom: Yes, you boys are amazing and what you do is truly inspirational. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

(MOM runs over and hugs DWAYNE and BARTH bawling)

Dwayne: Don’t thank us lady. Thank the healing power of ROCK and ROLL!

(The STAGE MANAGER appears and gives the “wrap it up” sign)

Dwayne: Alright well that’s all the time we have for Cindy and Cindy’s parentals. We’ll be right back after this commercial break.

Stage Manager: …and we’re out.

(The lights change and the first commercial announcer enters with a set of actors who act out each senerio)

Commercial Announcer #1: Do you have no friends?

(Suzy looks around sadly as a group of girls see her and walk right past)

Commercial Announcer #2: Are you sick of lying to your friends and to yourself?

(Suzy sadly looks around at the empty stage and nods again)

Commercial Announcer #3: Does your leg really hurt?

(Suzy collapses onto the floor and sadly nods again)

Commercial Announcer #1: Then we have the product for you. Introducing the Pre-signed Cast.

(One of the Actors presents the cast to Suzy)

Commercial Announcer #2: This cast comes with anywhere from twenty to fifty signatures from some of your closest make believe friends.

(Suzy happily puts on the new cast)

Commercial Announcer #3: With only five easy payments of 19.99, This could be you…

(The girls pass Suzy again, this time they double back)

Girl #1: Hey, what did you do to your leg? Wow… look at all those signatures…

Girl #2: We didn’t realize you had all these friends, Gary… Coleman… wow…

Girl #3: Do you want to be OUR friend?

Suzy: Sure!

(They all skip off stage arm and arm but Suzy trips before she gets off, turns smiles to the audience and then follows)

Commercial Announcer #1: And if you call now we’ll throw in an absolutely free, Presignd Yearbook.

Commercial Announcer #2: Don’t let other people know you’re friendless.

Commercial Announcer #3: Order today!

(The STAGE MANAGER reenters and begins the countdown behind the commercial. The intro music plays again.)

Dwayne & Barth: It’s Dwayne’s Word, Dwayne’s Word, Healin’ time, Excellent…

Dwayne: Well next to the show we have a most excellent family that seems to be disappointed in their son. Bummer.

Barth: I been there man.

Dwayne: Alright party on. Please welcome the Supermin’s!

Enter Steve, Jane, and Harvey Supermin.

Dwayne: So what seems to be so bogus?

Steve: Well sir, we have been ridding the world of crime for years and when we decided to start a family we were hoping to be able to continue as a family but…our boy here…he’s different.

Harvey: I’m not different dad!

Steve: I know, that’s the problem. You don’t have any powers!

Jane: Steve!

Harvey: Yes I do!

Steve: You’re tearing this family apart!

Dwayne:…wow Awkward.

Barth: Yea, I feel like it’s Thanksgiving.

Dwayne: So Harvey, you say you have a power. Why don’t you tell us about it?

Harvey: I DO have a power…I’m visible.

Audience: OOOOOH

Barth: Wow man, I can totally see you.

Harvey: Exactly.

Dwayne: Most impressive. How did you discover this power?

Harvey: I knew my whole family had powers so I looked deep inside myself, then I looked outside myself and realized that I’m visible.

Barth: We call that a most excellent self-discovery.

Dwayne: Yea party on. (They high five)

Steve: What are you idiots talking about? That’s not a power! I can fly, my daughter can turn invisible. (Gesture to the empty chair) INvisible. That’s a power—

Harvey: Stop comparing me to her!

Jane: Steve calm down. You put too much pressure on him.

Harvey: I’m way more visible then you’ll ever be!

Steve: What does that even mean? Everyone is visible! Even Barth over here!

Barth: I am? Wow I always wanted to be a super hero!

Dwayne: Wow Barth…I had no idea. Party on (they high five).

Steve: You’re both visible!

Dwayne & Barth: (Looking at eachother) Whoah!

Steve: You two don’t know what you’re talking about! Why are we on this show?

Jane: Dear, I’m warning you, if you don’t settle down this instant—

Steve: These guys are supposed to help us! I can’t believe I flew us all this way and...!(Face goes blank and falls to the floor)

Dwayne & Barth: Whoa!

Dwayne: Did we do that with our super visibility?

Barth: He must have slipped.

Jane: I warned him.

Dwayne: That was so wicked.

Jane: I have advanced telepathic abilities. I can control people minds.

Dwayne: What did you do?

Jane: I turned off the conscious parts of his brain that control his motor functions. He’ll be fine.

Barth: Is it painful?

Jane: VERY. How do you think I was able to stay married to a man like that for so long? Besides, HE CAN FLY! You have any idea how expensive it is for superhero transportation these days at 4 dollars a gallon?

Dwayne: Well I hear that the gas prices will be reduced very shortly…CHA! Or monkeys might fly outta my but!

Barth: (Laughs) Good one.

Jane: So, I think we’re done here.

Dwayne: Well I have a few more questions. (Jane looks in his eyes.) And now, a word from our sponsor.

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Dwayne: Welcome back to Dwayne’s Word. Party on Barth.

Barth: Party on Dwayne.

Dwayne: Next we have a girl who went hard of hearing from rocking out too much. Alright, party on. Please welcome Jennie Latoya and her mother Maud. (Enter Maud and Jennie and her Hard of Hearing translator, Flora.

Dwayne: Now Maud how does it feel to have a daughter who knows how to rock?

Maud: It’s Horrible! She went to one of you stupid rock concerts and stood too close to the speaker and now she’s hard of hearing.

Dwayne: Alright, party on. (High fives Barth)

Maud: What do you mean? Partying got her in this situation.

Dwayne: (Confused) Oh…uh…I don’t understand.

Maud: She can’t hear.

Dwayne & Barth: Bummer

Maud: It happened to her when she went to see that stupid Aerosmith concert!

Dwayne and Barth: Alright party on (High five)

Maud: No, party off. (Dwayne and Barth are confused and frightened) You should be ashamed of yourselves for the message you are sending out to you viewers. That’s why I filed a lawsuit against you on behalf of my daughter.

Dwayne: I’d like to know what she has to say.

Maud: Go ahead and ask her. Or ask Flora. That’s her translator for the hearing impaired.

Dwayne: Hey Flora.

Flora: Hey Dwayne. Party on.

Dwayne: Party on.

Maud gives them a stern look, which slightly startles them.

Flora: Party on Barth.

Barth: (Still put off by Maud) I guess.

Dwayne: Flora, could you ask Jennie if she enjoyed herself at such and awesome concert?

Flora: Sure. (To Jennie, in her ear) DID YOU ENJOY THE AEROSMITH CONCERT?!

Jennie puts her thumbs up and nods her head.

She did.

Dwayne: Excellent! Do you like Dwayne’s Word?

Flora: (To Jennie) DO YOU LIKE DWAYNE’S WORD?

Jennie nods her head enthusiastically and does a bit of air guitar.

Yea, she likes it.

Dwayne: Then why would you sue us?

Flora: THEN WHY WOULD YOU SUE THEM?

Jennie does the does sign with both hands

Dwayne: What if we get you MORE Aerosmith tickets?

Flora turns to translate when Maud cuts her off.

Maud: That doesn’t solve anything! It’s that music that did this to her.

Dwayne: Oh…how about tickets to…uh…(uneasily)Jessica Simpson?

Maud: She’s HARD OF HEARING!

Dwayne: Oh right…so Ashlee Simpson.

Maud: I have had enough of this.

Dwayne: No, we can fix this.

Maud: No you can’t.

Barth: Anything is possible. One time, my brother fixed the dishwasher with a butter knife.

Maud: Expect to hear from my lawyer.(She, Jennie, and Flora exit)

Dwayne: Wow… bummer… Well while we contact our attorney, we should take another commercial break. Coming up next we have a totally awesome surprise musical guest.

(The STAGE MANAGER enters and does the “wrap it up” sign)

Dwayne & Barth: It’s Dwayne’s Word, Dwayne’s Word, Healin’ Time, Excellent…

Stage Manager: …and we’re out. Good Show boys.

(A Commercial Announcer Enters)

Announcer: (overly dramatic) This week on Lifetime. A story of hope, courage, and a search to find the answer to one of life’s most pressing questions. Who will take… The Last Tissue.

(2 WOMEN enter)

Alice: Joanne, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but… we’re down to our last tissue.

Joanne: (begins to well up) WHAT…?

Alice: Joanne STOP! You’re only going to make it worse!

Joanne: I’m sorry I can’t help it.

Alice: Well pull yourself together. (she slaps Joanne)

Joanne: You’re right. I’m sorry. Now lets get ready for girls night tonight.

(The 2 WOMEN exit and another COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER eneters)

Announcer: The Last Tissue is a tale that forces all of us to ask ourselves. Who are we… really?

(A BOY and WOMAN enter, she’s looking for something)

Jill: Now Timmy, did you finish all your homework?

Timmy: Yes mom…

Jill: That’s good dear. Now you know mommy’s having some friends over tonight so why don’t you take the car and go play with your friend Freddy.

Timmy: Mom I’m only 12.

Jill: You know how important this is to your Mom, so (with a sudden outburst of anger) PLEASE! Timmy, have you seen my tissue box?

Timmy: Oh yeah. I had a booger, but it was the last one so I threw out the empty box. It was actually like REALLY gross and-

Jill: YOU DID WHAT?!

Timmy: I’m sorry mom, I didn’t know-

(She slaps TIMMY, and turns and looks horrified at the audience. BEAT. They exit and another ANNOUNCER enters)

Announcer: Friendships will be brought into question.

(All the WOMEN enter and they get ready to watch a movie)

Jill: Come on ladies. It’s about to start.

Alice: I’ve got the popcorn!

Joanne: I’ve got the remote!

Jill: Did you bring the tissues?

Alice: I’m sorry Jill. We were all out.

Jill: I don’t have any either! How are we supposed to watch Bridges of Madison County without tissues?!

Joanne: Well SOMEONE used our last one this morning for her stupid face cleanser!

Alice: I don’t use face cleanser!

Joanne: Come on Alice we all know you don’t have a perfect complexion. How long did you expect the charade to last?

Alice: I can’t believe you would tell everybody that!!

(Alice slaps Joanne she looks shocked)

Announcer: But just when times are at their worst…

(They’re watching TV and we hear “Clint Eastwood”)

Clint Eastwood: When I think of why I make pictures, the reason that I can come up with just seems that I've been making my way here. It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you.

(All 3 WOMEN reach for the empty tissue box, realize there’s none, panic and all 3 prepare to slap. We hear a doorbell)

Announcer: The power of friendship comes through in the clinch.

(Another Women enters)

Betty: Hey guys, sorry I’m late. I brought an extra box just in case.

(They all rejoice and tearfully embrace)

Alice: I’m so sorry you guys. I treasure your friendship.

Announcer: The Last Tissue. A Lifetime Original Movie. This Sunday at 8.

Dwayne: Welcome back to Dwayne’s Word. Party on Barth.

Barth: Party on Dwayne.

Dwayne: (Reads off cards in his hands.) “Next on the show we have some of the countries most popular musical artists.” Excellent. “They have finally come together to form a super band.” Alright.

Barth: I have been dreaming of this day my whole life!

Dwayne: (realizing he is missing a card) Uh Barth, Where’s the other card?

Barth: I don’t know.

Dwayne: Did your mom forget to pack it with you juice box or something? CHA…how am I supposed to introduce the guess if I don’t know who they are? Are you mental?

Barth: I can’t handle all of this pressure. One time I had to save seats at the movies and I got so stressed that I hurled all over the people in front of me. And then they screamed, and I screamed!

Dwayne: Alright, settle down Barth. Take your ridilin. Well we have to bring them out. It’s gonna be all right. We’ve handled awesome guests before, but we cant look like amateurs. Ok, so whoever they are Lets welcome them to the show.

Dwayne & Barth: (On their knees) We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!

Enter Hannah Montana, The Jonas Brothers, Hilary Duff, Ashlee Simpson.

Dwayne: Wait, who are you guys?

Jo Bros: We’re the Jonas Brothers.

Hannah: I’m Hannah Montana.

Hilary: I’m Hilary Duff

Ashlee: I’m Ashlee Simpson.

Dwayne and Barth look at each other and then return to their seats disappointed.

Dwayne: Ok…Excellent? Uh so what brings you all to the show.

Ashlee: Well, since everybody loves us we thought it was only fair to our fans to come together and form a super band.

Dwayne: Uh, what is it that makes you so popular?

Hilary: I played Lizzie McGuire in the popular TV show.

Hannah: My dad is a famous rock Star

Dwayne: (Excited) Really? Who?

Hannah: Billy Ray Cyrus

Dwayne: (Disappointed) Oh (awkward silence)…What about you Ashlee?

Ashlee: My sister is talented, so her managers thought I would be too.

Dwayne: That’s alright, I’m sure you got the brains in the family. (laughs) Who are these guys

Jo Bros: (All Speak at the same time and constantly posing in an attempt to look seem interesting.) We’re the Jonas Brothers. We’re popular, because we are sooo good looking.

Dwayne: Alright, so nobody’s answer was actually “music”. Barth is it just me, or is this the least un-excellent segment we have ever done?

Barth: I don’t know. I’m just trying not to hurl.

Dwayne: Easy Barth, just breath. Don’t make me get the hose.

Barth: (uneasy) ‘Kay

Dwayne: Ummm…So…uh…

Dwayne’s Mom: Dwayne! Dinner’s ready!

Dwayne: …That’s all the time we have on Wayne’s Word. Thanks for stopping by.

Lizzie: But aren’t you gonna ask us more questions?

Jo Bros: (continuing to pose) Yea!

Dwayne: No I think we know all we need to know. It’s time for Dwayne Final Word.

Dwayne and Barth: It’s the Dwaynes Word, Last Word, profound statement, Excellent…

Dwayne: Look dudes, there were a lot of pretty messed up people on the show today and what I want everyone to realize is the totally awesome importance of family. Whether you have superpowers, or you listen to totally bogus music, or even if you’re deaf the people you share your life with are the most important people there is. After all the family is the most basic building block of every society dating from the ancient Chinese to the Ethiopians all the way up to Barth and his mom. So dudes, take care of yourselves and each other.

Barth: Party on Dwayne.

Dwayne: Party on Barth.

Dwayne and Barth: It’s Dwaynes Word, Dwayne’s Word, Party Time, Excellent…

(Rock music builds while we fade to black)