If Only For A Moment

Jocelyn Cook, 2005

Awake again I sit, mind flooded with thoughts, and if only for a moment I could begin to put into words what I feel I'd be satisfied.

If only for a moment I could try to purge up all that is stuffed in this body of mine.

But I can’t. I feel like a broken record, a played out song, a pity party, a point far missed, and if for one moment it felt like anyone I know could actually understand what I felt or for that matter actually seemed like they cared, or better yet wanted to know, really wanted to know...like for a moment imagined the sheer agony it would be if they were in my place...if even for a moment realized that a multitude of future hopes have been shattered, everything you once considered here is now gone and the ever consistent person torn from you forever - would your heart break the same as mine if only for a moment.

Picture this, the night sky is black, a few stars twinkle the air is cool. You slowly pull up, get out of your car and walk across the manicured lawn. It’s your first time there, you can’t find it…where is it…alas your flashlight shines upon a stone. Your heart drops as you fall to your knees.

It’s the first time you’ve been to her grave and you thought it was a dream, and it wasn't real, but that was only for a moment. So you laid down, laid on your side, curled up, and ever so gently stroked your fingers through your hair just as she would have when you were upset, and you thought you could smell her, but that was only for a moment. Then tears began to fall harder and harder as you remembered the last hug she had given you and how warm and soft she was. So soft, so soft was she, with a smile for all to see. And it was only for a moment that you began to caress the grass. Those fine blades of grass were so soft, but not as soft as she. And as your mind began to think you recalled the last time you touched her, how cold was she, so cold and hard. So you reached your hand up so as to feel her head stone, and that, even that was warmer than she.

And for a moment you felt sick and began to ask why, but then the rain began to fall from the late night sky. So, into your car and down the road you went, wishing, just wishing that someone knew how you felt – even if only for a moment.