(Started 1/8/09 and some added on 1/29/09)  

  

My greatest fear today is admitting the truth to myself and others about my current weight. I hate the thought of being judged or worse that those I care about won't respect, accept and/or love me the same.  I am also afraid that others will talk about me behind my back; possibly make mean comments, jokes, etc. (Not always being the fat girl, I've heard plenty of fat jokes, and have even chuckled along!  Now I know differently - lesson learned!)  I need to face my fears, it's the only way to REALLY move past it and not look back, and that's what I going to do! 

True beauty: 

I need to stop worrying about what others think of my physical appearance and care more about what's going on inside;  Like, what I put into my body, how I treat and respect my body, because that's what counts the most! My 'current' physical condition is only a reflection of what was going on inside! So, now it's time to let it go and move on! I am starting to become more honest with myself and others so I can begin to heal myself, make changes, and then slowly my outside appearance will begin to change too!  It's all about facing your fears, that's the only way to move past anything, and make a real change, and never look back! 

Emotional causes: 
In the past I've lost weight and have become physically confident (artificially), while ignoring my underlining VERY subconscious emotions like sadness, hoping that it would all just eventually go away and it always did, temporarily! Unfortunately, this pain never REALLY disappeared, but instead caused a sort of dis-ease (not at ease). I believe this is how most diseases are caused (mine being hypothyroidism and endometriosis).  These diseases begin when you don't deal with life's curve balls straight on and instead hide your feelings.  Luckily, I began to recognize the unhealthiness of these feelings.  And so, with a conscious decision, a journal, and a lot of hard work, I began to allow myself to feel the pain I had been holding in for so long. The flip side to doing this was the flood of emotions. When I cried, it poured, the dams overflowed, the rivers flooded - You name it! As a result of all this raw emotion, I believe I sought solace with food - 99% of the time subconsciously, as I consider myself to be a healthy eater consciously!  Some choose cigarettes, others alcohol, drugs, etc.  Mine was the mostly readily available, food!  

  

There has been lots of hype that being fat isn't just about eating too much, that it often goes much deeper - there's an emotional component! I wasn't so sure this was true, but I now believe it's true for me.  This applies if you're over 40/60 pounds overweight! This hasn't been always easy for me to accept.  In my mind, I am easy going, forgiving, understanding, etc. Yes, I've had pain, haven't we all and I am fine I'd tell myself! Well, my problem was I moved from pain to forgiveness a little too fast!  No one ever talks about this!  Yes, forgiveness heals, but not when skip your over the healthy stages of emotions.  Whenever something hurtful would happen to me, rather than allowing myself to move through each emotions anger, sadness, disappointment, depression, and eventually forgiveness, etc., I'd instead bottle it up! Then, once alone I'd allow myself to feel some of the pain, bottle it backup, forgive (NOT to be confused with forgetting), and go on with life - Not healthy!  The message is feel your feelings, and don't be afraid of them, they are normal!  (note, it's also not healthy to get stuck in one emotion, especially anger, this is most dangerous, paticularly on your health!) For me, I had to ask myself why I am afraid of my feelings.  For me, it was because I didn't want to seem weak - fearful that someone would know what buttons to press or try to manipulate me, or say something hurtful, that can't be taken back, another scar to bare!  But this is where writing a Family Mission Statement, or even a Self Mission Statement is SO important!  Mine is listed on my blog, under **Important Documents**.  If you know who you are, what your values are, and what you stand for, no one can ever REALLY hurt you!  Perhaps momentarily, but nothing you can't get past once you're able to separate yourself from someone else's issues: lack of values, truthfulness, etc., which you now have and it's in writing! 

 

Lost art of nutrition, a balanced diet, and exercise: 

Of course my over-weightness (my made up word) didn't begin with my not dealing with my feelings, it began with several other factors.  Such as with genetics, lack of exercise, and mostly environmental issues.   Take for instance the America diet, which is usually one that is high in animal fat (meat, dairy products, and eggs), refined foods (white sugar, white flour), sweets, (rich desserts, candy), convenience foods (frozen or instant meals, canned veggies, soup, etc.), and fast foods.   Our typical diet lacks fresh veggies, fruits, and whole grain (all which if it doesn't make you fat, will clog your arteries and cause high blood pressure).  Then there's the habits handed down by our good willed/intended family members and friends. (No offense mom, your diet ideas where merely a sign of the times and not your fault, we all know better now, so PLEASE, if you're reading this, don't take it personally!)  My mom's way of dieting was a boiled egg and a diet coke!  Dieting was about not eating anything white, or nothing at all, and many other types of fades passed on, and rarely included exercise!  Do these diets work?  As a temporary fix yes!  The result though, muscle loss, a slower metabolism, and nutrition deficiency, which quickly leads you back to eating more, as your body thirst for what it needs!  NUTRITION and exercise!  So, you go back to eating... Eating what?  Well... the typical American diet!  As you consume more, the more you want.  You hope to consume just enough to shut that darn demanding voice up, that keeps saying "I gotta have more, it looks so good, it smells so good, etc.".  While at the same time your body craves the calmness you feel once you finally given into your craving.   Then you feel guilty.   This addiction is like any other addiction: cigarettes, alcohol, drugs - When you stop consuming it, your body demands it and your mind obsesses about it and won't 'shut up' until you give into it and then you feel good, only temporarily!  Then the cycle starts all over! 

  

Back to dealing with emotions:
I am getting better at expressing my feelings, but for some reason it doesn't come naturally! I have to force myself to do it! Of course, I still know that it's not wise to react purely on emotion, that it's STILL better to think things out, put yourself in another's shoes, size up my moral compass and then react. Moral compass is my family mission statement (again, see my **Important Documents** on my blog, listed on the lower right). However, I've come to realize that if I am sad it’s okay to feel sad and if I am angry, it's okay to be angry and so forth! Just so long as I don't get stuck in one emotion, or worse, bottle them up!  It sounds so simple, but it’s not for me! This journey is clearly not just about weight loss! 

  

I had to ask myself this question: Do you want to become your own creation, or merely a creation of your circumstances?  You get to choose?  Has anyone ever told you that?