GO TO HELL, JETHRO!
OR
THE ABDUCTION OF PERSEPHONE
Helios enters, stands st. right, observing. Persephone enters mimes picking wild flowers. Hades in long cloak enters behind her, sneaking up on her in vaudeville bad guy fashion.
Helios:
This is a tale not for the faint of heart. The Rape of Persephone!
Persephone:
WHAT!!
Hades:
Whoa
whoa whoa!! I was misrepresented! There was no rape!
Helios:
What was it
then?
Hades:
A liberation.
Helios:
Kidnapping
Hades:
Youthful rebellion!
Helios:
Abduction.
Hades:
(starts to object) Well…there might have been a little abduction.
Helios:
Agreed. The ABDUCTION OF PERSEPHONE!
Cast:
BA BAAAAAAAAA!!
Helios:
Persephone, daughter of Demeter the goddess of Harvest and of Zeus, King of the Gods was idly picking wildflowers …
Cast chirps like birds
Helios:
when Hades sprung from the ground in front of her
And carried her back to his Kingdom of the Dead, there to be his wife.
Hades grabs Persephone up in his cloak and runs off stage with her.
Persephone:
Weeeeeee!
Helios:
Demeter realized immediately that something was awry. She sought far and wide for her daughter to no avail.
Demeter enters, dressed as a dominatrix and seeing Helios, partially hides behind curtain, obviously listening.
No mortal nor animal had seen Hades abduct her fair daughter and so….
Demeter:
Hades!!!
Helios:
What the….! Demeter!!
Demeter:
Helios! What do
you know about my daughter’s disappearance??
Helios:
I’m not
telling. I’m the narrator. I just tell the story, I’m not
a part of it.
Demeter:
So, as Narrator,
you know everything that has and is going to happen, correct?
Helios:
yes………
Demeter:
(cracking cat
of 9)
Mistress D is going to ride you like a virgin on Midsummers Night!
Helios:
Oh. No. AND the
narrator exited quickly
(Helios runs off st. left)
Demeter:
Get your fuzzy ass
back here!!
Helios:
(off stage)
I shaved yesterday!!
Demeter:
Mistress D is going to make you scream like a sacrifice at Delphi!! Damn Sun God!!
ZEUS!!!
Enter Zeus wearing collar.
Zeus:
Yes dear?
Demeter:
Hades took our daughter!
I
want her back right now, do you hear me!!
Zeus:
Now, cupcake..
Demeter:
Don’t
cupcake me, you overgrown ferret! I want my daughter and I want her
now!
Zeus:
But, honeycakes…
Demeter:
Remember that sex
we were planning on having…ever?
Zeus:
Fine! I’ll find
Hermes and get him to go talk to Hades. Happy?
Demeter:
HARDLY!!
Until my daughter is back home with me, I’m going to freeze the
balls off of all man kind! Starting with you!!!
(kicks Zeus in the groin and flounces off. Zeus reacts in pain. Then mimes Demeter behind her back. mugging her)
Zeus:
Hermes!!
Helios enters, Demeter chasing him. Circles Zeus during his lines
Helios:
But Hermes was busy at the moment
Cast:
OH Hermes!
Helios:
So he sent Hercules
in his place
Helios and Demeter exit
Zeus:
Hercules? Ah Shit.
Hercules:
I am the Mighty
and Pretty Hercules.
Zeus:
Right!
I need you to go find Hermes. Demeter is pitching a fit and I need him to go convince Hades to give Persephone back. Got that?.
Hercules:
I am Hercules,
Righter of Wrongs and Doer of Dones!!
Zeus:
Yes. Good for you.
But I need you to find Hermes.
Hercules:
I am
Hercules, slayer of Slayable Things!
Zeus:
This is what public
education gets you.
Hercules, listen to me. GO FIND HERMES!
Hercules:
I am Hercules..
Zeus bonks him on back of head
Zeus:
Look, you muscle
bound half wit. Go find Hermes and deliver my message or I’ll
turn you into a little girl! NOW GO!!
Zeus storms out. Hercules mugs Zeus behind his back.
Hercules:
Hermes! Now if I
were the Winged Freak of the Gods where would I be?
searches for a moment, then gets caught up in looking in a mirror.
Jethro enters bounding. Stops by curtain.
Jethro and Hercules:
(Jethro unzips, pauses, both admiring themselves)
Ahhh... I'm sooo pretty!
Hercules:
Ah, here is a traveler. Might he know where Hermes is? Small and modestly endowed traveler, I am on a mission to aid in freeing the creamy skinned, impossibly curvaceous, sexually adventurous Persephone and return her to her limber mother, Demeter. Now I just need the help of….of…oh wait, I had it just a second ago..
Jethro:
Ugh. So did I... damn stage fright... Oh well.
Jethro zips up, then turns.
Jethro:
I accept this
mission. Beautiful maidens fear not! I will rescue Persephone of the
round bottom and bring her back safely.
Hercules:
Just a minute, my exuberant friend. I am going!
Jethro:
You? But you are
not nearly as pretty as I!
Hercules:
Ha ha! My
over-confident friend. I am MUCH prettier than you! I will go save
Persephone of the filmy underpants.
Jethro:
Nonsense! No one is
as pretty as I. Surely the maiden would prefer the charms of one such
as myself to yours.
Hercules:
Ha ha! Is that a
challenge, my foolish friend?
Jethro:
Ha ha! It is, my
unwashed friend!
Hercules:
I accept! If I
win, then I will rescue the well toned and soft skinned Persephone.
Jethro:
And if I win, I
will rescue the large eyed, wet lipped Persephone.
Hercules:
Agreed. Nymphs!
Nymphs come out
Hercules:
Our first
challenge: A test of strength!
Flexes.
Jethro:
Ha Ha, my chicken
winged friend. Let me show you how it’s done.
Jethro flexes. Nymphs ooo and ahhh. Audience participation to find winner. They go through more flexes. Nymphs shriek and fawn over Hercules.
Jethro:
Very well! The next
challenge: How PRETTY we both are!!
Both strike best Pretty pose. Nymphs shriek and fawn over Jethro.
Hercules:
Very well, my
acne ridden friend. The last challenge. How Charming we both are.
For this I think we need a very special prop.
Hercules and Jethro coax woman out of audience.
Hercules:
Hello, prop.
This is a contest of pickup lines. For the purposes of this
contest, we only ask that you react completely naturally.
Unaffected by anyone or anything who could be watching. And
expecting you to be funny. Are you ready? Good. Me
first. Ahem. Hello, prop. I am Hercules. Perhaps
you’ve heard of me? Why don’t you pretend you’re
Aphrodite and I’ll take you to the Top of my Mt. Olympus.
Jethro:
Ha ha! My less than
eloquent friend. I once pleased a pair of twins and gained mythical
treasures. I should warn you, I’ve caused blindness with my
charms.
To volunteer:
Ahhh, prop. I must be lost. I thought paradise was further South.
Hercules:
Why, hello,
prop! I’ve just moved here from Olympus and I’m new
in town. Could you give me directions to your bedroom?
Jethro:
Oh my sweet darling
prop... for a moment I thought I had died and been brought to heaven.
Now I see I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Gives her a rose.
Nymphs swoon over Jethro. Audience members sit back down
Jethro:
My condolences, my
muscle bound friend. Now, where is the silken thighed Persephone
being held at?
Hercules:
Hell!
Jethro:
No reason for
language, my sulky friend!
Hercules:
No, she’s
being kept in Hell. By Hades.
Jethro:
WHAT!! You never
said anything about hell or Hades!
Hercules:
Woops. My bad.
Jethro:
Why you little…
Hercules:
You won, fair and
square, my foolish friend. The quest is yours!
Hercules puts his arms around nymphs.
Catch ya later. Hero.
Jethro:
Wait, how do I get
to Hades?
Hercules:
You fall
down..and keep going.
Jethro:
How am I supposed
to fall down?
Hercules punches him.
Jethro:
...didn't hurt.
Jethro falls down.
Helios:
(running across stage being chased by Demeter)
And he kept going
Hercules and nymphs exit.
Cerberus enters.
Cerberus:
A MAN!!!
Jethro:
Beautiful dulcet
voice! Herpeles! Persephone!
Cerberus:
Hardly. I’m
Cerberus.
Jethro:
The three headed
bitch?
Cerberus:
That’s a lie spread by my ex-husband. He’s jealous of any self-possessed, independent woman with a bigger dick than his. In the divorce settlement I asked for the keys to the gates of hell and now I’m stuck watching the damn things. Just wait till he dies!
Jethro:
Then, beautiful
maiden, I’m looking for Persephone of the quivering bodice.
Cerberus:
Oh, her. Hades
ordered up room service an hour ago. Guess they’re still at it.
Jethro:
Sweet gossamer
robes! Quick, tell me where she is.
Cerberus:
Why do you want
her when you can have..me.
Jethro:
You got a good
point…two of them actually. Ah..to be torn between duty and
desire. No, No. I must protest.
Spins Cerberus into his arms and kisses her.
Jethro:
No, really. I must
be going.
Kisses her again. She’s getting more and more dazed in his arms.
Jethro:
You’re a hard
lady to say no to.
Kisses Cerberus a long hollywood moment. He releases her. She stumbles about for a moment looking dazed and confused.
Jethro:
But I must go rescue the readily available Persephone. Thanks Babe.
Cerubus gives a thumbs up and points to where Hades is standing with back to audience in middle curtain.
Jethro:
AH! Excuse me,
madam!
Hades:
I beg your pardon!
I’m Hades.
Jethro:
Oh, sorry about
that. From the back, you REALLY look... ah well.
I’m here to bring that bright and beauteous maiden, Persephone back to her grieving mother. So she will let spring flourish over the land again.
Hades:
Good for you. Go
away.
Jethro:
I’m afraid I
can't leave without the double jointed maiden.
Hades voice suddenly starts raising and lowering in octaves.
Hades:
Umm…HAHAHAHAVen’t
seen her. Double jointed???
Jethro:
Really. That’s….awkward.
Hades:
Um..YES YES YES.! No
fair MAIAMAAMAIDENS here I’m afRAID. Thanks for STOPPING BY
though. What was your name again?
Jethro:
I am Jethro. A
mighty adventurer. I’m so…
Hades:
Oh yes. Quiet right.
I’m sure you’re VEEREREREEEERy buSY SOI shan’t KEEP
you…
Jethro:
That’s a
nasty speech impediment you have there, Hades.
Hades:
AHAHAHAHHHHHHH….yes.
Something CAUGHT in my THROAT!
Jethro:
Here, let me just
pat you on the back.
Starts beating him on the back.
Persephone:
(hidden in front of him)
OW!! My nose!
Jethro shoves Hades aside. Persephone is revealed on her knees, coughing.
I swallowed some!!!
Jethro:
HA!! Beauteous
maiden! You must come with me.
Persephone:
You’re swingers?
Jethro:
WHAT? Uh..no. I
mean, go before me.
Persephone:
Ohhh…kinky.
Jethro:
No..um I mean…let
us return to your mother who is most desperate to be reunited with
her fair daughter. Kinky you say? You ever tried...
puts arm around Persephone and starts whispering in her ear.
Helios:
enters with collar.
That’s it! Everyone stop! What the hell is wrong with you people? I’m gone for 10…15 minutes! Stop touching her!! You over there. You over there. And stop grinning!! Persephone, get over here. Wipe your mouth. Now..what did you eat.
Persephone:
Pomegranate.
Hades:
I named it.
Helios:
oh my gods. How
many times?
Persephone:
Six.
Helios:
Right. Rewriting
that. She ate 6 Pomegranate seeds, you dirty bastard. Have a
cigarette. Good job. And you (looking at Jethro) …um…Who
the hell is this?
Jethro:
I am Jethro, a mighty and pretty adventurer here to rescue the plump lipped Persephone and return her to her mother so spring can rule over the land again.
Persephone:
Spring? What do
you mean?
Jethro:
Your mother is
cloaking the land in winter till her daughter…that’s
you…is returned to her.
Hades:
Ex-Nay on the
Winter-ay.
Persephone:
But, Hades. You
said you talked to my mother and she was fine with me staying here.
Halios:
HADES!!!! SHAME ON
YOU!!
Jethro:
That’s right.
Your mother said she wanted you to stay with me, Persephone of the
nimble fingers.
Hades:
She Did not!!
Persephone:
Wait a
minute!!! My mother wants me to stay with both of you!!
Helios:
Certainly not!! She
wants you to come and stay with me.
Hades and Jethro:
HEY!!
Helios:
I’m writing
the story here!! And I’ll just write you both out of it!! Hades
and Jethro look into each others eyes and fall madly in love!!!
Hades and Jethro:
NOOOOOOO!!
Helios:
Hahahahaahaa!!
Jethro and Hades look at each other then burst out into I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU song from Moulin Rouge, approaching each other as if to kiss. GETS INTERRUPTED BEFORE THAT HAPPENS.
Persephone:
WAIT A
MINUTE!!! Give me that book!!
(wrestles book from Helios)
Helios:
Give it back, Devil
Woman!!
Persephone:
FREEZE!!
All players freeze.
Mother goes to hell.
Enter Demeter:
Demeter:
Peerrrseeeppppphhhh….HADES??
What the?
PERSEPHONE!!!!
Mother and daughter rush into each others arms.
My darling girl!! You must be starving!!
Persephone:
Nope. I’m
actually pretty full.
Demeter:
Pretty
full….Persephone, what have you eaten!!!!
Persephone:
Um….Nothing….
Demeter:
Give me that book!
Takes book from Persephone and flips quickly through it. Gets to part about swallowing.
You didn’t!! How many times do I have to tell you!!! SPIT!!!
Hellios…wait a minute.
Looks at book. Puts 2 and 2 together. Gives audience a huge smile.
Persephone….um….mommy will be right back.
Writes in book. Then slinks behind curtain. The three men look at each other thoroughly terrified.
Helios:
Not again.
Demeter’s finger comes out and crooks to them.
Hades and Helios start to cry and walk towards curtain.
Jethro:
Sweet Artemis’s
Arrows!!
All three disappear behind curtain. Screams are heard. Clothes thrown about. Terrified shrieking.
Jethro comes tearing out wearing a woman’s sheer night robe, lipstick smeared across his face. Hades, Demeter and Helios running after him. Hades and Helios are in equally ridiculous costumes.
Jethro:
I got the book!!
Hahahaaaaa!!
FREEZE!!
They all freeze in midstep.
Jethro, King of the Underworld, takes the curvaceous Persephone as his wife.
Hades:
WHAT THE…..!!!!
Cerebus walks across stage, gives Jethro a come hither glance and exits.
Jethro:
Every 6 months though, Persephone must go and spend half of the year at her mothers place, leaving the mighty and pretty God of the Dead to his own…desires.
Hades, a mighty adventurer, returns to the land of the living and pays off all of Jethro’s debts. Helios goes and gets raging drunk with Dionysus. And Demeter returns spring to the land again. Everyone lives happily ever after.
Jethro is So PRETTY!!!!
Closes book.
Helios:
I have the
strongest craving for rum….DIONYSUS!!!
Helios exits
Hades:
YOU LITTLE SNEAK!!
Jethro:
Ah ah! God of the
Dead to you, Mister. Don’t forget to tip the waitress an extra
fifty at Delphi. I’m SO PRETTY!!
Hades:
I’ll
get you, Jethro!! IF it’s the last thing I do!!!
Hades storms off.
Demeter:
Good bye,
Daughter. We will see each other soon. And then, spring will flourish
upon the land. Until then….treat your new husband with the
love and devotion that your father and I have shared for so many
years.
Demeter exits. Jethro moves to take Persephone in his arms.
Jethro:
Alone at last,
sweet tempered Persephone.
Persephone:
That’s right, dear husband. Completely alone.
Turns and drops toga to reveal leather bustier, black long skirt, boots and a whip.
Who’s been a naughty boy!!
Jethro:
OH..MY…GOD….
Persephone:
Dance, MONKEY
BOY!!!!
(cracks whip)
Jethro:
HEEEEELLLP!!!
Runs off stage
Persephone:
I will use your tears as lubrication!!
Exits after Jethro.
Enter Helios.
Helios:
And they lived
happily ever after
Jethro:
AH!! MY ASS!!!