Tempestuous
story written by Will Shakespeare
twisted by the Champagne Players.

Characters

Prospero - a magician
Miranda - daughter of Prospero
Jack Sparrow - Captain of the ship
Ariel - a spirit
Caliban - son of a French witch (treated like an idiot because of his accent)
Alonso - duke of Naples and father of Prospero
Antonio - wicked brother of Prospero

Plot

Scene 1
Prospero and Miranda are watching a ship in a storm, heading toward their small isle.  Miranda expresses concern for the ship, and Prospero "calms" her by saying he created the storm.  The ship contains his old enemy from Naples, his brother, who set up Prospero causing him to be banished, and give up his rightful heir to the dukedom.  He promises none of them will come to harm, then "charms" his daughter to sleep (knocks her on the head with his staff).  He then summons Ariel, his genie from a bottle (ala I Dream of Jeanie).  He tells Ariel to wreck the ship and set fire to the mast, but bring the travellers safely to the isle in different places.

   Miranda:  Oh, father!  Those poor travellers in that ship!  Such a storm!

   Prospero: There, there, Miranda.  It's quite all right.  You see, I caused the storm.  Those travellers on that ship are from my old home of Naples.  They ousted me from my rightful place as duke.  I brought them here to confront them.  But no harm shall come of them, daughter.

   Miranda:  Really?  You promise?

   Prospero: Of course, dear.  Now it's time to go to sleep.

   Miranda: but I'm not tired...

   Prospero: Sleeeeeep... (knocks her softly over the head with his staff).  There.  Now then... Ariel!  ARIEL!!!

   Ariel: (enters as if flying) Yeah, whatta ya want???

   Prospero: Aww, Ariel.  You now how I like to be greeted...  

   Ariel: Oh, Come ON!!!  (sighs)  All right...  (folds arms) Hello, Master!  What is thy will?
 
   Prospero: Ahh, that's better.  We don't want to go back in the wittle bottle, now do we?  That's what the naughty witch did when she lived here, before I evicted her ass.  But if you really like being crammed in that old cough medicine bottle better...

   Ariel: No no!  I like it out here, master!  ...with you!

   Prospero: That's a good genie.  Now then.  Those people out there.  On that "boat".  I need 'em here.  Sink the rat trap and set fire to the sails.  Umm... not necessarily in that order.  Then make sure they wash up on shore safe and sound.  Got that?

   Ariel: Your ass is really grand!

   Prospero:  WHAT??

   Ariel:  Your wish is my command!   ... what?

   Prospero:  (scowls) Go. 

Scene 2
Prospero awakens Miranda, and they go see Caliban, the very French son of the "witch" that lived here before Prospero.  Out of kindness, Prospero let Caliban stay (alive) and lets him do chores for Prospero and Miranda.  Caliban is currently in the doghouse for trying to rape Miranda. (Note: it will be inferred here and other places that no rape was taking place - Miranda just got tired of being a virgin and has been having awful, drunken sex with Caliban for at least the past year, hiding it from daddy, who still believes his precious is a virgin. Caliban takes Prospero's abuse and doesn't explain it to Prospero because Miranda would cut him off.)  Prospero and Caliban trade insults a bit, then Prospero orders Caliban to collect firewood.

   Prospero: Awaken, child.... (Miranda wakes up.) Rise, my child.  We have work to do before our guests arrive.  Come.

   Miranda: Yes father.

(they cross the stage.  Enter Caliban, hunched over, wearing cloak, and wheezing unpleasantly.  Prosper and Miranda flinch at his smell a little.)

   Prospero: Caliban!  ... I told you, you keep rubbing it like that, it's bound to fall off.

   Caliban: (straightening up, in think French accent.)  Oh, yes, of course.  (smiles big seeing Miranda; Miranda just sighs and ignores him.) Whatever can I do for you, your ugliness?

   Prospero: You know... I get rid of your mother, and let you stay here rent free... and ALIVE... and this is the thanks I get.  Serves me right for taking in an idiot that can't even speak right.

   Caliban:  I keep telling you I'm French, you effeminate English prude!

   Prospero:  Yes... you keep talking but I can't understand a word you say... Nevermind.   We have guests arriving.  Go fetch a large...

   Caliban:  Feche la vache??

   Prospero: Go and GET a LARGE PILE of WOOOOD.  Understand, you miscreant?

   Caliban: Get any oxygen to your braiiin, asshoooole?

   Prospero: Go and get some firewood, puke.  Or I will never let you even see Miranda again.  I should just put you out of your misery after catching you sleeping in her bed alone, you pervert.

   Caliban:  Yes... Alone... (winks at Miranda.  Miranda curtly smiles and looks away.)

   Prospero: Really, just the thought of your dirty thoughts anywhere near my innocent and pure daughter makes my skin quiver.  And don't you ever take a bath, you pig?

   Caliban: Well, he got the big part right, anyways.

   Prospero: What?

   Caliban: What?

   Prospero: Hmmm... Go get some wood, you fool.  (Prospero exits.  Caliban smiles and winks at Miranda.  Miranda grunts and exits.  Caliban leaves.)
  
Scene 3
Ariel leads in the captain of the ship (Jack).  Miranda is immediately love-stricken, as this is the first man she's seen besides her father and Caliban.  Prospero decides that Jack should marry Miranda, but then thinks the relationship should not go too quickly... so he taunts them together, them draws them apart several times, etc.  Prospero curses Caliban's whereabouts and sends Jack to collect firewood (to get him away from Miranda before they totally do it).

(Prospero enters with Miranda.  Ariel comes in other side.)

   Ariel: Bleatings, Bastard!

   Prospero: What?

   Ariel: Greetings, Master!  I have done as you asked, and wrecked the ship.  I have even led the captain of this ship to you without any molestation!  None at all!  Not even a...

   Prospero: Well where is he, bimbo??!!

   Ariel:  He's right... Oh, for crying out loud... OVER HERE, STOOPID!

   Jack: (enters, yanking up pants)  Sorry, luv.  Had my eyes closed.  Didn't know you were finished.  (sees Miranda)  Oh, hello...

   Miranda: (gasps at sight of Jack) What is't? a spirit? Lord how it looks about! Believe me, sir, It carries a brave form. But 'tis must be a spirit.  I might call him a thing divine, for nothing natural I ever saw so doable.  Noble.  I meant noble.  I' faith, thou givest me the screaming thigh sweats!

   Jack: Ohh, tell me you're not with the old guy...

   Prospero:  Old?  Guy?  I'll have you know I'm an impotent magician! 

   Ariel: Omnipotent.

   Propsero:  An OMNIPOTENT magician!  (scowls quickly at Ariel.) But you happen to be the first able-bodied man with half a brain to arrive on this island, and my daughter deserves to know love.  Are you... and honorable man?

   Jack: Why, an honorable man would cut yer throat for even asking that question!

   Prospero: Quite right, quite right... well, this is my daughter, Miranda.

   Jack: Miranda.  What a musical name.  So it's your anus I'll be circling then?

   Miranda:  WHAT??

   Jack: Nothing.  Just a little Astronomy humor for those paying attention.  Savvy?

   Miranda: No...  but you're preetttyyy....and such tight thighs...

   Prospero: WHAT?

   Miranda: Such nice eyes...  Daddy?  Can I keep him?

   Prospero: Dear girl, he hasn't even introduced himself yet.  What may we call you, stranger?

   Jack: Why I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!  Scourge of the seven seas!  Captain of the Black Pearl!  Such a master of fate am I the neither the Kracken nor death itself can stop me!  Surely you've heard of me....

   Miranda: Well of course I can hear you, you're standing right here... And my name's Miranda, not Shirley.  You're the one who must be hard of hearing.  ... and other things.

   Prospero: (breaking them apart) Yes, yes, you'll have plenty of time to get to know one another properly of course... don't want to rush things, do we?  That's how mishapen twins are born aren't they...  Oh, curse that Caliban, where is that fool?  Captain Sparrow, would you be so kind as to fetch some firewood?  Then we can set upon a nice meal, and learn all about you, and what it is you do for a living.

   Jack: Wood.  Yes, that'll give me some time.  Umm, take some time.  I'll go straight away.

   Prospero: Excellent.  Shall we go, my child?

   Miranda: Yes, father.  Goodbye, Jack!  Hope to get to blow you soon!

   Prospero: What??

   Miranda: Hope to get know you soon! (exits with Prospero)

   Jack: Firewood.  Right.  (pulls out compass; goes in the direction it points)

Scene 4
Alonso and Antonio arrive on shore.  Antonio awakens first and looks around.  Sees his father still unconscious, and muses about killing his father and becoming Duke on his return.  Draws his weapon and advances on daddy, who awakens.  Antonio chickens out, and gives the some excuse that there was a bear, or lion, or muskrat in the bushes.  Alonso seems to accept that, and comments on the beauty of the place, and wishes he hadn't taken that opportunity for a free vacation in exchange for listening to a time-share seminar.  They wonder about the fate of the poor captain, and assume he has perished in the crash (who could possibly survive that??).  They go off in search of some trace of him or civilization.

   Jack: (carries a few twigs, but following the compass) You ridiculous piece of crap... c'mon... show me where the nearest brothel is! 

 

   Caliban: (enters dragging firewood - sees Jack and gasps, dropping wood).  Ahh!

 

   Jack: Ahh!  Yourself! 

 

   Caliban: Ohhh nooo.. You must be a spirit sent here to punish me for taking too long bringing my wood.  You look stranger than any spirit I've ever seen....

 

   Jack:  Umm... thanks?  That's quite sizable wood you have there.

 

   Caliban:  Yes, I've been jerking it this way for some time.  I may be mistaken, but it seems to have gotten longer.  As if stroking it against the dirt encouraged it.

 

   Jack:  ...Well, you look bone tired after jerking your wood so long. 

   Caliban: It was quite hard on me.  I'm feeing quite crotchity.

   Jack: Here, try a sip of rum, mate.  No backwash though.  You look like you may have some disease...es...

 

   Caliban: Oh, thank you spirit.  What is this drink you call rum?  (drinks)  Ohhh... Ohh, mon dieu... this is waaaaaay better than water... (drinks more) Oh, kind spirit, thank you!

 

   Jack: (looking back, and thinks a moment) You know... I think this wood has a little rot in it.  I don't like the smell of it.  I think perhaps you had better fetch another large bundle.

 

   Caliban: Another?  Oh I don't know if I have another load in me...

 

   Jack: ... are we done with the euphemisms now?  Good.  Now, go get more wood.  To encourage you... you can take the rest of that bottle.  It's.. kind of spoiled for me now anyway...

 

   Caliban: Oh, thank you spirit!   Caliban will not go limp on you!  Limp?  You really wrote that... geeez... (exits mumbling something like I played Richard the Third, dammit...)

 

Jack hears noises behind him.  It's Miranda!  Enter Miranda. 

 

   Miranda: Ohh!  Here you.. OHHHhh... what wood you have...

 

   Jack: Yes, yes yes.... I have serious wood for you.  Now, have a seat luv... and give us a kiss.

 

   Miranda:  Oh, Jack..

 

   Jack: Captain...

 

   Miranda: Captain.  Jack.  You're so resourceful... and strong... and.. handsome, I think... it's difficult to say with so little comparison...  But my father may have a point.  He may be a bit bossy... and over protective... and suffering from genital war...

 

   Jack: (interrupting) Your point, love... get to the point...

 

   Miranda: Oh, well, I was thinking, that maybe... if you were willing... you'd like to marry me after all?  I don't have a lot to offer... not much of a dowry... but I do have huge... tracts of land!

 

   Jack: (ponders) Land.  Hmmm.  Not much use fer that, being a pi... pie maker...

 

   Miranda: (brightens)  Oooh!  I love pie!  what kinds?

 

   Jack: Mincemeat, mainly... look, love, I don't mean to be rude, but I have to get off this island sometime and get back to my real ship.  The Black Pearl.  My crew will TOTALLY rip me off if I don't get back soon.

 

   Miranda: Ohhh... I was soo hoping we could have a little fun at least... what with your wood and all...

 

   Jack: Well... Sacrifices must be made sometimes, love. (leans her back, then hears a noise in the bushes)  What's that?

 

   Miranda: Father!  Oh no, if he even suspects we've been intimate, he'll roast your nuts on a grill made from your ribcage...

 

   Jack: Gah! A bit much with the visuals, love... okay, you scamper off then.  Geez... 

Scene 7
Caliban comes back on drunk, carrying "floppy" wood.  They start talking again, and Caliban mentions how he hates Prospero, but only does what he says 'cuz he's a powerful magician.  Caliban then plots that Jack can kill Prospero, take his power AND Miranda, and rule the island for his own.  Jack, being an opportunist, agrees, not knowing Ariel is listening invisibly behind them.

   Caliban: Ahhh, hello again, spirit!  I got better wood this time!  Fresher!  Although it does seem to be a bit floppy...

   Jack: No matter.  It, uh, smells a lot better. 

Ariel enters quietly unseen, and watches the exchange

   Caliban: Oh good!  Even though I hate Prospero, I do try to please him.  He has a wicked habit of singeing my nosehairs.  I'd wring his prissy little neck myself, but he never lets me get close enough.  (gets idea) Ohhh.. but I bet YOU could!

   Jack: Me?

   Caliban:  Oh, yes!  A powerful spirit like you could kill that pompous ass like that!  And then you could have his power... this whole island to control... And you could have his daughter, Miranda.  Ooohhh... such a sweet piece of ass she is.  Muuuch better than the goat.

   Jack: Well, that would get me out of actually marrying the broad... And I've always wanted a private island of my own to retire upon...  But how to do it?

   Caliban: Oh, I know when he naps, sir spirit!  You could simply run him through as he sleeps, and he'll feel nothing.  Then take his books, and become master of this place!

   Jack: Wonderful!  Now, is there any great big mechanical device or giant wheel that I could use to seem more dashing and acrobatic?

   Caliban: Ummm... nooo...

   Jack: I'll have to wing it then.  Well don't just stand there, get this wood back to the palace.  Or Cave.  Or... whatever.  (they exit; Ariel stands, reacts... and runs off stage)

Scene 8
Antonio and Alonso are walking through the forest.  Alonso is talking incessantly about something er other (maybe how Antonio was conceived?), and Antonio plans to murder Alonso just to shut him up.  Before his gets a chance, we see that Prospero is watching magically from just offstage.  Ariel arrives and tries to tell Prospero of Jack's plans, but Prospero just cuts her of with a new chore.  Prospero summons pretty, shiny things to distract Antonio.  Prospero tells Ariel to change into a fearsome creature and tell Antonio and Alonso that they have been shipwrecked on this island as punishment from the gods that they wrongly punished Prospero.  (note: Ariel goes backstage and puts on Broken Harp tabard to become harpy.  After she explains about punishment they ask her.. umm, what are you supposed to be again?  A Harpy.  That doesn't seem very scary, now does it.  Ariel leaves dejected.)  Alonso asks Antonio if the plot is true, and Antonio admits to setting up his brother, and gets thwacked in the head.

Prospero enters, gazing into a ball.  Ariel runs on.

   Ariel: Master, Master!

   Prospero: Not now, creature.  I have a task for you...

   Ariel: But Master, I have something VERY important to tell you!

   Prospero: LATER, annoying thing.  I have seen my old enemies.  And now it's time for their repent.  I shall lull them with their own greed.  Then you shall appear to them, changed into some foul thing, and instruct them on their sins.

   Ariel:  Fine, I'll do it, but I really need to tell you...

   Prospero: Now, you stubborn wisp of nothing!  I'll not be robbed of my satisfaction one instant longer!

   Ariel.  OOookay..... (exits)

   Prospero: I think I shall enjoy watching this...with a little mango juice... (exits watching ball)

enter Alonso and Antonio

   Alonso: ... and that's how we discovered mango juice really doesn't work as a lubrication.  But as you can see, it all turned out in the end, as you arrived nine months later.

   Antonio: (aside) Gor!  I can't take any more of this conversation.  I may have chickened out before, but I'll murder my entire line before I listen to any more of his stories! (draws dagger then notices cin o the ground)  Ooooh!  Shiney!  (picks it up and pockets it; advances on Alonso again, notices a piece of jewelry)  Oooooh! pretty!

Ariel enters unnoticed, and plants two nice coats onstage, exits

   Alonso: (sees coats)  Faith!  Do my old eyes deceive?   What finery!

   Antonio: What.. Where did those come from?  Oh, who cares.  They're stinking of wealth.  (they put on coats.  meanwhile, Ariel sets down a blanket with a little feast)

   Alonso: Ah!  And now suddenly a feast!  What good grace has brought us this, I know not, but I'll bite the finger off anyone who gets in my way!

   Antonio: I as well!  I'm starving!

(they pounce on the food, but before they can take a bite, Ariel enters again, this time wearing a Broken Harp tabard)

   Ariel:  AAwwwwwkkkk!  Yes, eat you pukes!  Eat your own sin!  See how the food is as rotten as your souls!

   Alonso: (whiffs the food) Ah!  It IS rotten!  oh, foul creature!  Why have you tempted us so!

   Antonio: And... exactly what kind of creature are you again?

   Ariel:  Awwwwkkk!!!!  I'm a Harpy!  You know... from the broken harp?  THE Broken Harp??  You really have no class.  At any rate, AWWWK!  You have been punished with your own greed!  You are responsible for the exile of an innocent man!  You have wrongly set up Prospero and taken away his rightful place as Duke of Naples!  But still Prospero lives, and now confronts your very wickedness with his might!

   Alonso:  What?  My son lives?  How is this possible?  Antonio, is this true?  You made up the story about him and the farm animals??!!

   Antonio: Well what else was I supposed to do?  You were always doting on him.  I got nothing.  Little fancypants got to be next in line for Duke while I, what?  Finished off the wine in the cellar?  No, by the Gods!  I deserve better!  So I slandered his name and removed him!

   Alonso:  You miserable creature!  Ah!  And that's why you had your sword drawn at the beach!  You were preparing to kill me!  But you chickened out, you half-wit.  (smacks Antonio upside the head) You couldn't kill either of us and so now we're trapped on this island only because you're also too cheap to take a proper cruise??  You imbecile!  Your mother was right!  I should have smothered you on your bed while you were teething.

   Antonio:  Mother what??

   Ariel:  AAwwwwwkkk... ward....   I'll leave you two alone.  Looks like you need some family time...  (exits)

   Alonso:  You can't do ANYTHING right!  (kicks Antonio's ass off stage)

Scene 9
Music plays for the wedding of the century.  Prospero stands center stage, as Jack and Miranda close in to get married.  Prospero is exchanging the vows while Ariel sneaks in and whispers in his ear what Jack is planning to do, just before jack can say "I do".  Prospero gets angry and summons invisible dogs to chase Jack off, preferably through the audience.  He comes back on and runs into Antonio and Alonso.  They exchange surprised greetings while Jack looks for signs of the dogs.  Caliban falls onstage with a hangover.  Prospero, Ariel, and Miranda catch up, and Prospero confronts his father and brother, then forgives them.  Prospero yells at Caliban and then magically transports him to be dunked in a lake.  Prospero then prepares to smite Jack, but Miranda realizes that there is another world she could have gone to, but her father sunk the ship that could then carry them all off the island.  Miranda starts beating on daddy, who relinquishes and brings back the ship and forgives Jack.  They all then leave the island.  End scene sees Caliban carrying his luggage on stage, but see they've left him.  Ariel enters, seeing Caliban after a bath and without the French stink, and beckons him off stage seductively.


Prospero enters hand in hand with Miranda, with Jack following behind, looking over his shoulder.  They arrive center stage, and Prospero take the Priests' place in the center and has the two stand before him.

   Prospero: Dearly beloved, we are all gathered here... (looks around) Right.  Well, anyway we are gathered here before the Gods and the spirits of the land, to see these two joined, in holy bliss for the rest of their days. Ehh... Hold on,  We really need a witness for this...  Ariel!!!!  Ariel!!!  where are you, you infernal spirit??!!

   Ariel: (enters, gasping) I'm here.. I'm here... lemme.. just catch.. my breath... before you... go any ... further...

   Prospero:  Nonsense.  We just need a witness for the ceremony.  You'll do.  Now then...  (Ariel continues to catch her breath during this first part of the ceremony)  Do you, Miranda, daughter of Prospero and Millicent, take this man to be your husband?  Do have and to hold, to please and support, and bear lots and lots of children for until the day the earth reclaims you?

   Miranda: I do I do I do I do I do I do...

   Prospero: (cutting her off) And... do you, Captain Jack Sparrow... (Ariel has rested now, and starts whispering in Prospero's ear, about what Jack had planned.  Prospero makes varied reactions, then gets ANGRY) You planned to do WHAT????

   Jack: Oh.. um....   Parlay?

   Prospero: (flourishes) RELEASE THE INVISIBLE HOUNDS!!!

   Jack: Invisible what now?  OOooh!  Oww!!  Watch it!!!  (all exits as Jack dashes offstage into the audience, being chased by invisible dogs.  Enters back onstage after "evading" them and runs into Alonso and Antonio).  Oh.  Hello.

   Jack, Antonio, and Alonso: Aren't you dead?

   Alonso:  Oh!  Captain Jack!  It's so wonderful to see you alive!  We've been looking all over this island...

   Jack: yeah yeah yeah... You haven't seen any invisible dogs here here have you?

   Antonio:  Invisible dogs??  Umm..  noooo... they're invisible, right?

   Alonso: You shut up, you ingracious whelp.

   Jack:  Lovely to have this moment, but I really ought to be going...  (enter Caliban)

   Caliban: Ohh!  There you are spirit!  You never told me your rum would give me such a pain in my head...

   Jack: That's just the rum's part of the conversation, mate.  You'll be fine after some rest...

   Caliban: Oh... then did it also tell my man-sword not to work?  Because it's been soo floppy...

   Jack: That's a conversation for another time, mate... when I'm not here... now if you'll excuse me, I have to run now.

enter Prospero and Miranda

   Prospero: There you are!  Ahhh, and joined by fellow deceivers I see!
  
   Jack: Oh, bugga.

   Miranda:  No, father! Don't eviscerate him!  I Loooove him!

   Jack: EVISCERATE??!!

   Prospero: Down, child! 

   Alonso: Son!  It really is you!  I'm so sorry about what happened!  You're idiot brother duped me!  You're... NOT.. really into animals... are you?

   Prospero: Of course not!  Unless you count cousin Berthe... but that's another story.  Antonio!  So this is all your doing!

   Antonio:  No! No! No!... Yes!... Ohh, I'm so sorry... I had no idea you were to become such a powerful magician as to actually cause retribution!  I just wanted to be loved!  By, you know, prositutes at my whim!  And, you know, rule the country.  And, you know, put the thumbscrews to all my enemies.  Does that make me a bad person?

   Prospero!  Of course it does, you incompetant buffoon!  And now I can erase this mistake by erasing you from history!

   Alonso: No, son!  This was a tragic mistake, but if you kill him, he won't learn anything from it!  Come home to us, son, and take your proper place as Duke of Naples.  Then you can assign him to work the new sewage system I've devised!

   Prospero: Hmmm... what a proper place for a rat!  I have soo longed to come home....  very well, I forgive you, father.  And will return home with my daughter.  (to Jack) And you...

   Jack: Wait a minute, gov.. For you to return home, you'll have to have a ship.  To take said ship back, you'll also need a captain.  Let me sail you across the sea to the land of your upcoming regency.  Then I'll be out of your hair, gone to somewhere where your daughter will, never, ever find me.  Savvy?

   Miranda: Pleeeease father?

   Prospero: We have an accord, Sparrow.  See us safely back to our home, and you can live the rest of your pathetic, boring life as you wilt.  Ariel!

   Ariel: (enters out of breath again).  Yes, yer royal heiny?

   Prospero: Did you fish the ship out of the ocean and make it seaworth as I asked?

   Ariel: Of course, Master.  It's ready to go.  (under breath) with good riddance, ass...

   Prospero: Good!  Now lets all go get ready to leave!

   Miranda: But father, what about Caliban?

   Prospero: Oh.. about that... I should probably tell you now...  When I first arrived on this island in exile, I was quite lonely... and the witch who lived here was... quite accommodating.  We had quite the fling until she became pregnant...

   Miranda: Oh, father, you mean my mother was..

   Prospero: with twins...

   Miranda and Caliban: EWWWWW!!!

   Prospero: Now you know why I REALLY didn't want Caliban to touch you like that... I'm so glad nothing happened.

awkward pause.

   Caliban: Right.  Well, since I did plan on hiving this guy kill you... I guess we're even.  I'm going to go brush my brain clean now.  (exits)

All leave except for Ariel.

   Ariel:  Heyyy... you're leaving Frenchie with me??!!  Of all the rotten... (exits)

Edit this page (if you have permission) |

Google Docs -- Web word processing, presentations and spreadsheets.