Helping a Family Member With A Drug or Alcohol Addiction
Ophelia Austin-Small, M.S.
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Addiction isn’t simply an individual problem; it’s a family problem. Addiction destroys the body, jobs, and finances. Addiction can have catastrophic legal consequences- losing licenses, jail time, and even lawsuits and bankruptcy. Almost more devastating, however, is addiction’s impact on relationships. The betrayal of the addicts failed promises, the stress of having to replace physical or financial losses, and the out of control behavior on the part of the addict can leave an emotional legacy that can last years. Though you may feel the situation is dire, and perhaps even hopeless, it’s important to recognize that there are steps you can take today to help yourself and your family member escape addiction and return to sobriety.
It is imperative that you get help and support for yourself before you try to help your family member. Without a solid support network and a realistic view of addiction, you will likely continue to be stuck in the dynamics of an addicted family. Educate yourself about addiction, including its physical, social, and psychological causes. Understand the family dynamics, including codependency, as your continued efforts to rescue your loved one or cover up their issue can be as harmful as the addiction itself. Most communities and hospitals have free support groups. Al-Anon is a tremendous free resource, with meetings virtually everywhere, throughout the day and evening. Individual or family therapy can also help you and your family understanding the role addiction plays in your family’s dynamics, and learn new ways to cope.
When speaking to your addicted family member about their drug or alcohol issue, try and focus on two things- an objective list of problems the addiction has caused, and what your boundaries are. For instance, instead of saying, “You and your drinking are ruining this family,” you may try a more objective and factual approach- “In the last three weeks, I had to pick up the kids six times because you were too drunk to drive. I also had to call in sick for you at work twice because you were so hung over. The drinking is really affecting how we parent the kids and our finances, I think it has become a problem.” If you want to hold an “intervention” or strongly confront the addict, be sure to seek professional help in that process.
Stating your boundaries clearly and calmly is important as well. Boundaries are your personal limits about what you will and will not do and tolerate in regards to addictive behavior. For example, common boundaries are refusing to call in sick for the addict when they are hung over, not giving them money to buy their substances or gamble with, not covering their debts, and not allowing them to come home unless they are sober. Once you have stated your boundaries, stick to them! Every “last chance” tells the addict they still are not accountable for their actions.
If your intention is to have your family member enter a drug or alcohol rehabilitational facility, seek out professional guidance and assistance with this conversation. Interventions by their nature are powerful and life-changing events for all involved, and it’s important to have an experienced and objective mediator. An alternative to an intervention is for your loved one to voluntarily go for an addiction intake and assessment appointment at a rehabilitational center. During the intake, their addiction will be assessed, and inpatient and outpatient options will be explored. To find a qualified rehabilitational facility or interventionist, try asking your insurance company for centers in their network. When you call the center, ask to speak with an intake or family counselor about your situation.
In helping a family member with addiction, it’s important to become educated and get as much personal and professional support as possible. Addiction is a serious issue, with potentially fatal consequences, but neither you nor your addicted loved one need to be condemned to that fate. The references below are excellent sources of information. Begin taking your life back today.
References
Al-Anon (2006). What Is Al-Anon? Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Retrieved online on 9/1/2007 from http://www.al-anon.org.
Genetic Science Learning Center (2007). The New Science of Addiction: Genetics and the Brain. University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah. Retrieved online on 9/1/2007 from http://learn.genetics.utah.edu/units/addiction/.
Mental Health America (2006). Co-dependency. Mental Health America, Alexandria, Virginia. Retrieved online on 9/1/2007 from http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency.
Psychology Today (1991-2007). “Addiction Center”. Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, LLC , New York, New York. Retrieved online on 9/1/2007 at http://psychologytoday.com/topics/addic tion.html.
Zamora, Dulce. (May 2007). Addiction, Life in a Bottle. WebMD. Retrieved online on 9/1/2007 from http://men.webmd.com/guide/addiction.