INQUIRER REUNION SHOW
Director: Don Drake
Producer: Mary Walton
Musical director: Harry Gould
Audio coordinator: John Duchneskie
“Investigations” - a song, to the tune of “Anticipation.” Words by Mary Walton and Charles Layton
“A Brief History of the Roberts Years”: A skit by Mary Walton and Charles Layton
“Inquirer Updates”: by Mary Walton, Charles Layton, Don Drake and Art Carey
“The Nine-Year-Old Sandwich”: a skit by Howie Shapiro
“The Dead Tree Media Blues”: a song to the tune of “Folsom Prison Blues.” Words by Mary Walton, Charles Layton, Don Drake, Art Carey.
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(Cast in order of appearance)
“INVESTIGATIONS” SUNG BY Clark DeLeon, Karl Stark & Butch Ward
NEWSCASTER: Jane Von Bergen
CAST FOR “A Brief History of the Roberts Years”
NARRATOR: Howie Shapiro
SINGER ONE [Clark DeLeon]
SINGER TWO [Beth Gillin]
SINGER THREE [Charles Layton]
SINGER FOUR [Liz Williams]
CAMEL: Bill Eddins, Patsy McGlaughlin
MARK BOWDEN: Mark Bowden
CAROL HORNER: Carol Horner
[ROLES]
FRANK RIZZO…………………………….. Singer One
EDITOR……………………………………. Singer Two
FIRST REPORTER…………………………Singer One
COPY EDITOR……………………………..Singer Four
COPY EDITOR………………………….….Singer Two
EDITOR…………………………………….Singer Three
SECOND REPORTER……………………...Singer Two
EX-BULLETIN REPORTER……………….Singer Four
THIRD REPORTER……………………...…Singer Three
FOURTH REPORTER………………………Singer Four
CAST FOR NINE-YEAR-OLD SANDWICH
DELIVERY MAN ……………………………Mark Bowden
CAROL DAMIANO………………………….Beth Gillin
GENE ROBERTS…………………………….Gene Roberts
“DEAD TREE MEDIA BLUES,” Sung by Charles Layton
Harry Gould is the ACCOMPANIST throughout.
PROPS FOR WHOLE SHOW
Biker helmet for delivery man
Table and chair for TV anchor
Dozen three-hole loose leaf binders for Steele and Barlett
Bag and sandwich
Stool for Gould
Play money for Bowden to throw in the air
Nightstick for Rizzo
Tiny Hershey bar
Camel suit
Wigs for Barlett & Steele; goatee for Drake and Lovelady.
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At Rise:
DOUG ROBINSON is downstage center at one of three microphones across downstage. There is also a standing mike upstage left and one on the table of the TV anchor, upstage right. GOULD is sitting on a stool with guitar upstage center. The NEWSCASTER is sitting behind table. Newscaster will remain at desk throughout the play. On the table are a few blank pages and the microphone. She is reading the Inquirer as Robinson delivers his remarks, ending with the following line.
ROBINSON:
And now, we begin our program by taking you back in time to The Inquirer newsroom.
[ROBINSON exits stage right as BARLETT and STEELE hurry onto the stage (downstage left), chased by an exasperated LOVELADY. The two reporters each carry a bunch of three-hole binder notebooks for the immense data they have collected.]
LOVELADY
So when do you think you’ll have the story done?
BARLETT
All in good time, Steve, all in good time.
STEELE
You can’t rush these things.
LOVELADY
Well, can you at least tell me what the story is about?
BARLETT
I’d say it’s about six or seven parts…
LOVELADY
No, no! I mean, what’s the lead?
STEELE
OK, Steve. Since you’re putting it that way. We’ll tell you all about it.
Guitar intro begins
INVESTIGATIONS, A SONG
[Guitar plays intro (tonic chord alternating with tonic-sus chord). BARLETT & STEELE sing, alternating lines.]
STEELE:
All the tax breaks are going to corporations
And the people are really getting screwed …
BARLETT:
But to tell the story in all of its sleazy detail
It’s gonna take us at least another year or two
BARLETT, STEELE AND LOVELADY, SINGING TOGETHER BACK-UP:
Another year or two.
LOVELADY:
Investigations. Investigations
are making me late.
They’re keeping me waiting, waiting, waiting
MARIMOW & NEUMAN (played by same two actors, alternating lines)
The Philly cops are beating up innocent people
Until they confess to things they didn’t do…
It’s a Pulitzer Prize if we can write the story
But it’s going to take another year or two
BACK-UP:
Another year or two.
ALL THREE TOGETHER THIS TIME:
Investigations. Investigations
are making us late.
They’re keeping us waiting, waiting, waiting
DRAKE (played by Stark):
Oh the AIDS disease is such a medical mystery
And the doctors say they haven’t got a clue.
I’d like to write it all in a nine- or a ten-part series
But I’m sure it’ll take another year or two.
BACK-UP:
Another year or two.
Investigations. Investigations
are making us late.
They’re keeping us waiting, waiting, waiting
SINGERS ALTERNATING LINES:
Tony Ridder; he hated to spend the money
But Gene Roberts; he spent it anyway (“hey hey hey”)
And so today we’ll celebrate together
‘Cause, like they say, those were the good old days
ALL THREE:
Those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. Those were…the good old days.
[A few seconds before they finish the song, the NEWSCASTER folds the paper neatly, puts it away, picks up the blank pieces of paper and looks forward as though she is waiting to be cued by the TV cameraman. When reading, she doesn’t look at the pages but peers straight ahead as though reading a teleprompter.]
NEWSCASTER
Global warming has killed another 150,000 people, ghetto gang members are stopping Philadelphia police officers and frisking them, and publisher Brian Tierney announced that he will give the Newspaper Guild the historic Inquirer building in exchange for its pension fund. But the big story tonight is an update on how Inquirer staffers are surviving the digital age. This reporter has exclusively learned that:
Gene Foreman is resting at home after suffering a nervous breakdown. Doctors said Foreman became obsessed with logging onto Wikipedia to correct errors in grammar, usage and style.
Don Barlett and James Steele finally made it official. They tied the knot in a civil ceremony in Provincetown, Mass., where they run a bed and breakfast.
Akira Suwa now lives in Henry Miller’s beachfront house in Malibu after making a fortune on eBay selling coffee mugs with handles shaped like…penises.
After 10 busy years as social director for Carnival Cruise Lines, planning as many as 10 parties a week, Carol Horner is now executive director of the Gene Roberts Mausoleum and Wax Museum in Goldsboro, North Carolina.
This has been an Inquirer update. Now back to our regular program.
###
A Brief History of the Roberts Years at The Inquirer, a skit
NARRATOR enters and takes place downstage as CHORUS SINGER 1 and CHORUS SINGER 2 enter from stage right and CHORUS SINGER 3 and CHORUS SINGER 4 enter from stage left.
They form a line mid-stage, hands held before them in prayer
NARRATOR
The year was 1972. Philadelphia was a dead city. There were only two nice restaurants, one for steak and one for fish. The Phillies and the Eagles were losers. Philadelphians felt so bad about themselves that an ad agency wrote a slogan to cheer them up: “Philadelphia isn’t as bad as Philadelphians say it is.”
But maybe it was.
Frank Rizzo was mayor.
RIZZO
I’m gonna make Attila the Hun look like a faggot.
NARRATOR
But then suddenly things changed. Eugene Roberts Jr. came to town.
CHORUS
(“Amazing Gene” sung to Amazing Grace – hands held in prayer)
Amazing Gene, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
NARRATOR
And with him came the good ole boys from places like Arkansas and… well, mostly they came from Arkansas.
“Dueling Banjos” is played by guitar
NARRATOR
One of them, Gene Foreman, brought new discipline to the copy desk.
SINGER FOUR
Here’s the latest Foreman memo. It says: “In this morning’s paper a sentence in Italic type was followed by a period in Roman type.”
CHORUS
(in unison)
Omigod! Omigod!
SINGER FOUR
(continues reading memo)
“In the future please make sure all periods appear in the same type face as the sentence that precedes them.”
NARRATOR
Inquirer reporters learned new skills. They discovered stories that oozed, trickled and seeped. Some stories zigged instead of zagged.
CHORUS
(swaying and chanting rhythmically)
Zigging…zagging…zigging…zagging….
SINGER THREE
(to singer 1)
Sorry, this story doesn’t zig. It zags. Know what I mean?
CHORUS AND REPORTER give a shrug of incomprehension.
NARRATOR
They also discovered trend stories.
SINGER TWO
(holding up a tiny Hershey bar, the kind that comes in Halloween bags. ]
SINGER TWO
I found a trend! The Hershey bar is shrinking! Candy bars are getting smaller.
CHORUS [to opening notes of Beethoven’s 5th symphony]
She found a trend! She found a trend!
SINGER THREE
Put it on page one!
NARRATOR
Anecdotal ledes sprang up like mushrooms out of fresh manure. The anecdotal lede was always followed by the nut graf or hoo-hah! graf, which grossly overstated the situation.
SINGER TWO
(holds up copy, reads]
“All across America candy bars are getting smaller.”
NARRATOR
This was followed by the To Be Sure graf, which qualified the gross overstatement.
SINGER TWO
(reads)
“To be sure, not all candy bars are getting smaller.”
NARRATOR
This was followed in turn by a Nonetheless graf, which repeated the gross overstatement and continued on from there.
SINGER TWO
(reading)
“Nonetheless, they’re getting smaller.”
NARRATOR
In 1974 Barlett and Steele audited the IRS. And the Inquirer won its first Pulitzer Prize.
CHORUS
(swinging noisemakers, dancing, singing a line from “Birthday” by the Beatles. Guitar accompanies.]
Yes we’re going to a party, party!
Yes we’re going to a party, party!
NARRATOR
Soon after that, the IRS audited Barlett and Steele.
SINGER ONE
(singing)
“The party’s over….”
NARRATOR
But the party wasn’t over. For each of the next five years the Inquirer won a Pulitzer. Tony Auth….
CHORUS
Yes, we’re going to a party, party!
NARRATOR
Acel Moore
CHORUS
(softer, less enthusiasm)
Yes we’re going to a party, party.
NARRATOR
Wendell Rawls
CHORUS
(still softer, as if tired of all the partying.]
Yes, we’re going to a party, party.
NARRATOR
Richard Ben Cramer
CHORUS
(stifling yawns, a tape running down.)
Party…Party….Party]
NARRATOR
Then came Three Mile Island. The public was terrified. The nuclear industry crashed. But at the Inquirer, we were all happy. EVERYBODY got a Pulitzer Prize!
CHORUS
(places hands on hearts, guitar plays introductory chord, chorus sings]
“O beautiful for spacious skies,
Of radioactivity….”
NARRATOR
But on the other side of town a tragedy was unfolding. We had won many prizes and gained readers, but we had killed a major newspaper. Afterward, the Inquirer generously opened its doors to an influx of Bulletin boat people.
CHORUS
(miming rowing action, singing)
“Yo, heave ho.
NARRATOR
All that was required of the newcomers was that they take the Inquirer loyalty oath.
CHORUS
(all put hands on hearts.)
SINGER TWO
(Stepping forward)
“I pledge allegiance to the Philadelphia Inquirer
And to the journalism for which it stands,
One newspaper, under Gene, inscrutable,
With neighbors sections for all.”
NARRATOR
It took the boat people a while to get with the program.
SINGER FOUR
I forget. Do stories zig or do they zag?
CHORUS
Zigging…zagging. Zigging…zagging.
NARRATOR
After the Bulletin folded, Roberts pledged to give the people of Philadelphia what they had always wanted. Foreign news! The Inquirer opened bureaus in exotic locales.
SINGER ONE
Send me to Moscow. I speak Russian. Da…nyet. Da…nyet..
SINGER TWO
Send me to the Middle East. I speak Arabic. Alli Akbar. Alli alli akbar.
SINGER THREE
Send me to London. I speak English….with a British accent.
NARRATOR
But then a pall settled over the Inquirer. For five years there were no Pulitzers and no parties. Spirits sagged.
SINGER FOUR
The Inquirer—What Went Wrong?
NARRATOR
Suddenly, though, the floodgates lifted. Eleven Pulitzers in six years.
Police dogs run amuck.
CHORUS (chants)
Party!
NARRATOR
An innocent man is sprung from jail.
CHORUS (chants)
Party!
NARRATOR
“An illuminating profile of life aboard an aircraft carrier….
CHORUS
Party!
NARRATOR
It went on like this for eighteen incredible years. Camels in the newsroom.
CAMEL enters from
downstage right, dances
across stage, exits DSL
NARRATOR
Rhinos on page one.
BOWDEN enters DSR
happily crosses stage tossing
money in the air. Exits DSL
NARRATOR
And forty-six frogs in the bathroom!
CHORUS
Forty six frogs in the bathroom,
Forty six frogs in the john,
Roberts steps on one of the frogs,
Forty five frogs in the bathroom!
NARRATOR
It was wonderful. But like all good things, it ended.
As mysteriously as he had come, Gene Roberts left. And so -- We had another big party!
HORNER enters DSR
HORNER
Hi, y’all. Bye y’all.
HORNER exits DSL
CHORUS and NARRATOR
(hands in prayer. Sings “Amazing Gene” sung to Amazing Grace)
Amazing Gene, how weird thou art,
You walk through life alone,
Your feet on Earth, your lunch forgot,
Your head in the far ozone
Amazing Gene, we’ve learned a lot,
You’ve taught us each so well
Write long, spend bucks, talk plain, kick butt,
And raise a little hell
Just before the song ends, NEWSCASTER folds up her newspaper, puts it away, picks of the blank pages, as CHORUS departs stage, As she reads final item, Damiano enters upstage left.
NEWSCASTER
And now for more Inquirer updates.
Rod Nordland returned from Europe after a career as a foreign correspondent. He bought a dilapidated mansion in Delaware County that he named The Castle. He now runs a Harley-Davidson dealership on MacDade Boulevard in Folsom.
Murray Dubin has moved back to South Philadelphia and opened Murray’s Steaks. The Specialty of the House: Beef on a Bagel with a Schmear.
Steve Seplow has not been seen since his 17th bicycle accident some years ago. However, Seplow’s bicycle continues to go back and forth on its own to the Inquirer building every day.
###
THE NINE-YEAR-OLD SANDWICH, a skit
[DELIVERY MAN, wearing a bike helmet, rushes in, downstage right, going to Damiano, who is standing upstage left. He carries a dirty-looking bag.]
DELIVERY MAN
Gene Roberts! Gene Roberts! Does anybody know a Gene Roberts here? Oh, I sure hope so...
DAMIANO
Come up here, sir, I'm Carol Damiano and I know Gene Roberts very well. I may be able to help you.
DELIVERY MAN
Oh, I sure hope so. I've been looking all over for him.
DAMIANO
Do you have business with him? Do you have an appointment?
DELIVERY MAN
No. I have his lunch.
(Holds up bag.)
DAMIANO
His lunch? Oh my God, that reeks. Where's it from?
DELIVERY MAN
The Bonanza.
[He pulls out green and moldy sandwich and Carol immediately steps back and holds her nose.]
DELIVERY MAN
It's his hard-boiled egg sandwich with mayo on the side.
DAMIANO
The Bonanza? The Bonanza's been closed since 1999!
DELIVERY MAN
I took a wrong turn.
DAMIANO
I'll say. OK, give it to me, give it to me.
[He stuffs the sandwich back into the bag, hands it over, and sticks out a hand for money. DAMIANO does a double take. ]
DAMIANO
Wait a minute. Pay you? You want me to pay you?
DELIVERY MAN
Well, I have been looking for him all this time!
DAMIANO
Hey! I have an idea. You can get your money. Mail a note to 400 North Broad Street, Philadelphia PA 19130. Write that you're owed money for the sandwich. Include nine years' interest in the total -- you can be generous to yourself. Address the bill to Brian Tierney. That's T-I-E-R-N-E-Y.
DELIVERY MAN
Thank you ma'am, thanks very much.
(Yelling back as he exits downstage s.)
You'll see that he gets the sandwich?
ROBERTS
(Entering from Upstage Left)
Carol!
DAMIANO
Yes, Gene.
ROBERTS
Carol, have ahh had maa lunch yet?
[DAMIANO looks down at bag, then into audience, thinking for a second. ]
DAMIANO
No, Gene.
(Hands him the bag.)
You haven't. (Both exit.)
ROBERTS and DAMIANO exit upstage left. As the skit is coming to an end, NEWSCASTER packs up the newspaper, picks up the pieces of paper and continues reading as if from the teleprompter.
NEWSCASTER
And now, more Inquirer updates:
Former Editorial Assistant Nick Vanocur returned to the Inquirer Building yesterday to drop off a company car he had signed out …in 1986. Vanocur said he had been meaning to return the car but…quote… I never seemed to find the time..
David Boldt learned Spanish, moved permanently to Bolivia, became a teacher of world history at a prep-school and then became a rider of steeplechase horses. Boldt competes decked out in high leather boots, riding pants and one of those fruity little equestrian helmets. (Pause.) And we’re not making this up.
Photographer Sharon Wohlmuth – author of the best-selling book Sisters—is out with the latest of her many sequels. Her new book is titled: Third Half-Cousins Once Removed.
Carol Damiano has published her long-awaited tell-all memoir, Gene and Me. Her most shocking revelation: All those years, Carol was spiking Gene’s iced tea with hallucinogenic drugs. Gene never knew the difference. . . and neither did anyone else.
Jan Schaffer has launched a new media boondoggle funded by her long-time benefactors at the Knight Foundation. It’s called “personal journalism.” Every single newspaper reader will be assigned his or her own reporter. This is made possible, says Schaffer, because there are now more reporters than there are readers.
And finally, if you’ve wondered whatever became of Harry Gould and Charles Layton, well, they went into the music business and made a fortune playing country-and-western songs. And they’re here today – all the way from Nashville – to perform their latest hit song.
[Guitar music begins as LAYTON enters from downstage right and takes microphone center stage. GOULD joins him and Layton begins singing.]
THE DEAD TREE MEDIA BLUES, a song
LAYTON
I seen that Internet comin',
a-comin' down the track
Yahoo and Google
and all that ornery pack.
"Your newspaper's a-dyin'."
That is what they said.
"It's much more satisfyin'
a-surfin' on the Web."
When I was just a baby
my Mama told me, "Son,
a newspaper's a good career,
it always will be one.
So learn to use a paste pot
or run a linotype
and the newspaper business
will always treat you right."
But now I see my Mama,
she's got her own Web page.
She's readin' Arianna
and Matt Drudge every day.
She's loggin' onto Myspace
where she's got friends galore.
She gets all her news from dot-coms.
Don't read the papers no more.
There's lotsa Internet rich guys
with fancy swimmin' pools
who prob'ly think the rest of us
are dead-tree media fools.
They're killin' my newspaper.
They say it has to go.
There'll be nothin' left but bloggers
and streamin' video.
Yes I see that Internet comin',
a-comin' down the track,
Yahoo and Google
and all that ornery pack.
"Your newspaper's a-dyin' "
That is what they said.
"It's much more satisfyin'
a-surfin' on the Web."
Yes it's much more satisfyin'
a-surfin' on the Web.
As song ends, guitar vamp continues as entire cast comes on stage and takes a bow.
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